Doll & Em (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - One - full transcript

I'd just... I'd sort of had
enough, actually. It got to a point

where he wasn't only really
depressed,

and just keeping to himself being
really depressed,

but he was following me round,
criticising everything I was doing.

I was putting too much toothpaste on
my brush,

I wasn't turning the tap off between
brushing and spitting the water out.

Every time I was cooking, he was
sort of smelling the food

and when I was making salad, he was
going through every individual leaf.

Oh, my God. Doll, this isn't right.
It's not right that you should
feel this way about yourself.

You're an amazing girl.

You're a lovely, bright, funny,



clever, kind, wonderful person.

And he knows that, really.
He does not!

He knows that and he's threatened
by it and he's jealous of it.

Sweetheart...

Oh, God.

Hey. Hi, Emily. Sorry.

We need you in hair and make-up
right away. Right now?

We need you right now. Are you sure?
OK. Doll, sorry.

No, it's fine.

I'll be right back. I'll be really
quick, OK?

There's a remote here. Thank you.

Thank you. Just press that one. See
you later. Good luck. Love you. Love you.

Hello. Is this Emily's house?

I'm Dolly. I'm working with Emily.
I'm her best friend,



but I'm working for her and I'm
going to be staying here.

Like you're working for Emily,
I'll be working for Emily.

So what does an assistant do?
Do I make you breakfast?

No, you definitely don't have to
make me breakfast. Are you sure?

We have it there on the set
every day.

Shall I make coffee? Get you coffee
or tea or something?

You'd have to get up too early.
That's fine. I don't mind that.

Really, I don't need coffee.
Are you sure? Yes.

I mean, I can tell you what sort of
coffee I like,

just in case there's a time in the
day. It's just a latte. Latte.

Latte, yes. Just in case.
Yeah, that's perfect.

Really easy.

So, what else? Tell them to make it
really frothy.

Really frothy. Love frothy latte.

Just ask for loads of frothy milk.
Good.

Latte frothy. Frothy latte.
Yeah, that's it.

And then... Three shots.

OK. I'll go latte, frothy latte,
three shots.

OK, what else?

In a medium-sized cup.

Otherwise it gets too weak if it's
in a big cup.

Frothy latte, three shots,
in a medium cup.

Yeah. OK, cool.

And then do I wash your clothes, or
wash your... No! No?

Oh, that would be so mean!

No, I've got a cleaning lady that
does that.

OK. And then I come with you in the
car to work?

Great if you could drive me.

Er... Sorry, Doll, you look
terrified! No, I'll be fine.

What, so, how... Anyway, it's not
the point.

The point of you being here is just
you being here.

I don't care about any of this
stupid stuff.

I want to get it right. I know.
You will. You're amazing.

You're so sweet. I'm gonna get you a
frothy latte...

Put down your pad and your pen and
just chillax!

Doll, come on.

Just enjoy being here, enjoy being
free of all that nonsense at home.

Oh, God, it's no nice being here.

Isn't it nice. Hmm.

I think there's some ice cream in
the fridge.

Yum.

Do you want some? Yes, please.

I can get it. Oh, don't be daft.
I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

All part of the job.

Don't be stupid! I'm joking!

Is it part of the job?

OK. I think I'm getting closer.

'Great. I'll be round the corner.'

'Destination 200 yards.'
Oh, shit!

'What's going on?' No-one's letting
me move over.

'Doll, I can see you!'

'Can you see me?' Yes, I can see you
but I can't stop.

Doll!

Doll!

You drove right past me! What are
you doing?

I don't know what I'm doing!

'Calculating... ' Shut up!

What? No, it's the GPS.

I knew I shouldn't be driving round
here.

Calm down. Calm down, girl.

Excuse me.

Why, it's you! It's her!

Oh, my God, it's you! You have such
a wonderful presence. Aww.

Such a kind spirit.

Honestly, you and Jennifer Garner
are the only women

I'm OK with my husband calling hot.

Oh, right!

Can I have a hug?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Oh, my goodness. Thanks. Thanks so
much. You've made my day.

Get a picture of us hugging!

OK. Great. I'm just here, ready and
waiting.

Sorry, it's my driver. Oh.

Thank you. Hey, you go.

Em! I can't... Aghh!

For fuck's sake! What are you doing
now? You just drove right past me again!

It's fine. It's my best friend.

Oh! You hugging.

Imagine if I talked to you like
that!

Wow!

Um, picture? Yes!

Oh, my God. For fuck's sake.

It's cute when you say it, though.

That was good, I thought.

Really? Really good.
I thought you were amazing.

I thought that the flowers, is that
off-putting?

Such a big bunch of flowers.

Yeah. No, I know. Did I look really
awkward?

No, not at all. You looked amazing.

I just didn't understand. You're
doing your job really well,

why is she giving you sort of 40
flowers?

How can anyone... Oh.

Cos they'd just got them out of a
bucket. They were dripping wet.

I know. I know exactly what you
mean. Shit!

No, it wasn't. Honestly, I wouldn't even
have brought it up. You did brilliantly.

Oo-uh.

No... Just move on. I shouldn't
think about it.

I'll just try and get on with the
next one now.

So what's the... Is that, um... I've done it.
I can't worry about what's gone so far.

I'm going to really concentrate on this.
Is it the crying scene next? Yes.

How do you feel?

Terrible. I'm going to be terrible.
No, you're not.

I am. No. I can't fake crying.
You know I can't.

It's so stupid. I cry every day in
real life,

but then I come onto a set
and I can't squeeze tears out!

I think you can. If you think of the
right thing.

What I always do is I think about
John. I think about my dad.

I have a picture in my head of when
he died.

He was lying on his bed and he was
just so still.

And sort of peaceful.

And then for a massive trigger,

I think about him in his coffin.

And I try and imagine what the best
pyjamas or whatever

and I picture these, um, white pyjamas
and they've got a piping round the sleeve.

And a velvet collar. Yeah, like,
Doll,

I think about my dad. I think about him
dying, think about him in his wheelchair,

all frail and whatever.

I sometimes imagine him, I've tried
imagining him

going up to heaven, going through
the clouds

and waving goodbye to me

and I put music over it in my head.

Nothing works. You know. It's so
weird.

I feel very, very, very sad.

I feel like I'm on the verge of
crying. I feel emotional.

But I can't actually force the tears
out. It's the weirdest thing.

Oh, my God. Doll?

Amazing! You're so brilliant!

It's not. It just works. It's like a
trick.

But it's not. Shit, I wish I could
do that trick!

You can. You've just got to really
focus on it.

God! I'm jealous now!

You should be doing it! I can test
your lines, if you want.

Anyway, I should go through this.

Focus. Yes, just block out
everything for a second.

Get on with it. Yeah.

Um...

You know, I think you should just
trust yourself. Yeah.

Yeah, let me just get it in there.

I'll go and see if Luke is out there

cos he'll know what time we're
getting on with it.

"Why didn't you call me?

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't think it was my place."

"I didn't think it was my place."

"I didn't think it was my place
to..."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"What?"

"What?"

You know, this is very easy to work.

Yes, beautiful skin.

I've got a great big spot on my
chin!

That's not very beautiful.

You look fine.

Really? It's the in thing.

Do you think it's the rest of the
chocolate and everything?

Probably. I don't know.
I think it's stress.

I'll put some gel on there. Back to
the fun stuff.

Em... Yeah? How are you? Do you need
me to do anything before you go?

Nothing. Get your dress ready or...
Nothing.

Just go and lie out by the pool and
indulge!

I was going to finish off that little bit
of chocolate cake in the fridge. Course!

Thank you.

And I've got masses of... Any of
those creams.

Have a very indulgent day, Doll.

I really wish you were coming.
I'm so sorry. Don't be silly!
I couldn't get you a ticket.

I totally understand. I'm going to
have such a nice time.

See you later. I think it will be
nice. I hope it is.

It will definitely be nice. Bye!

Call me later.

I will.

Em!

Em!

Brrr!

Horrible!

Emmie!

Em!

Cuckoo!

Doll?
Dolly?

Dolly!

Doll!

Doll?

Dolly?

Dolly, what are you doing?

Doll.

It was the shittest evening I have
ever had to endure.

He sat me next to the Carrons.

Dolly, can you believe it?

The insensitivity of these
arseholes.

These agents who pretend...

Spend their whole life pretending
they're so sort of into you.

So care about you, and then do that.

You know, it's just outrageous!

Jesus Christ, that was just
grotesque.

It was so miserable, I can't tell
you.

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me? Are you saying
that really? What's the matter with me?

I've been sitting outside there, Em,
since you had your fucking hair done!

You locked me out. I've been on that
chair for about 12 hours!

What do you mean I locked you out?
I couldn't get in!

I did not lock you out! What the
fuck are you talking about?

I couldn't get in! Every single... I
don't know how you couldn't get in.

Maybe the door locked behind itself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God!

I'm sorry. Shit, I'm so, so sorry.

I had no idea. How was I meant to
know? I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I'm sorry. God, we've both had
terrible days.

Fucking hell.

Oh, my God.

My day might have been a tiny bit
worse.

I haven't eaten. I didn't have any
breakfast.

What time was it when you left?

I didn't have anything to eat.
I've been sitting out there.

I'm so, so... I'm so sorry.

I was shouting, calling over all the
walls. The neighbours weren't in.

Oh, that sounds horrible. It sounds
like a complete nightmare.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, I hardly ate anything. It was
disgusting.

The food was just awful.

There was tepid, grey beef,
and I don't know what else.

Freezing air conditioning blasting
at me all night long.

And that girl just jabbering on
and on and on and on and on.

Jabber, jabber, jabber, all night
long.

I want to go home! Don't say that.

Don't say that!

Oh, sweetheart, don't say that.
You make me feel terrible.

I can't do anything right.
I felt like such a moron.

I'm like a stupid person and a
stupid assistant.

You're not a stupid person. You're
the most brilliant person.

And you're an amazing assistant.

The best assistant in the whole wide
world.

Best assistant that ever lived.

Ever.

Really? Yes!

Budge over.

You're the best friend that anyone
could ever have.

That's what a good assistant would
say!

Thank me.

Good morning! Hey. Hey.

How are you?

I'm alright. How are you? Good.

Here. Let me know if that's frothy
enough!

Wow. Three-shot foamy latte!

Mmm! Perfect! Good!

Delicious. Great. Where did you get
it?

Cafe De Lexis. My favourite!

Great!

What time did you have to get up to
get it?

I got up at 6:15. God!

So you've got that dinner tonight.
Thank you. My pleasure.

You've got that dinner tonight
at eight.

What dinner? With Ian and Nancy.

Oh, shit, yes. Fuck.

Your dress is at the dry cleaner's,
so I'll get it at lunch time.

Shoes are in there, so you can take
them now or I'll bring them later.

Where are the shoes? Just in here.

There?

Wow!

Thank you! Not at all.

Oh, you're so impressive!

No, not at all.

Look at us!

This is really working out.

Come on, I feel really good about this.
Yeah, I feel really good about this.

To Emily, our modern-day
Joan of Arc. Go, Emily!

I promise I would never let anything
happen to you, Brian.

Don't patronise him!

Susan Sarandon just shouted at me,
Em!

Who cares, really? Can I just say,
you are my total inspiration for this role.

I can't believe... Oh, no, no.

That was such a lovely party. What?
It's still so early. Hot tub's hot.

So if I did want to be on my own
with him, what would I say?

"Em, are you cold?" Then I'll just
top out.

I'm never gonna say that!

It's a long way from Worthing,
right?