Dogs in Space (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

♪ Dig this
We're the last hope for the human race ♪

♪ Embark on a journey ♪

♪ Into outer space ♪

♪ Blast off, there's no going back
We're on our way ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

So, in conclusion,
I would just like to say,

please, please, please, please,
please, please, please! Oh, come on!

Let humans live here.

Now, let me get this straight.

These humans destroy their own planet.

Not on purpose!

And sent a bunch of dogs into space

to find them a new one.

Genetically enhanced dogs!

They experimented on you? Barbaric!

Hey, they were successful. Look! Thumbs.

Hmm. And why would
we want to share with them?

Well, uh, humans
won't want to "share" share.

They're kind of used to being in charge.

But you can be
their best friends, just like dogs.

Sure, you might have to
get neutered, too, but...

I think we'll pass.

Okay. I think I know
how to persuade you. Whoa!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

I just think it would've been

really nice to have one mission...

...not end in
a shoot-out, you know?

I agree, Stella. It's not my fault

these guys don't know
the fine art of negotiating.

What happened this time?

I was gonna give them
my blaster to sweeten the deal.

It's customized with a grappling hook
and a glow in the dark lightning bolt.

Who wouldn't want this? Ow! Hot!

Maybe let someone else
do the negotiating next time?

But I love doing the talking.

Well, that's exactly the problem.

Garbage to Chonies.
Any luck with that door?

Still working on it, Captain.
It's highly encrypted.

Just hurry up, please!

Chonies! Look out!

Ha. Technology one, alien zero... Whoa!

- Whoa!
- I'll save you!

Ugh! Dumb advanced alien tech!

Does anyone else know how to hack this?

Being smart's for idiots!

We're free! Whoa!

Stella to M-Bark. Loaf,

we're gonna need a new escape route.

Go left? Wait, my left.

Stage left. I don't know! Keep going left.

Oh, wait, that's just a circle.

You're running in a circle. I'm sorry!

Just run away from the aliens!

Never mind.

Hey. Where's Ed?

Oh! Gold.

This stuff's worth its weight in gold.

Ed! Now is not the time to loot!

Now is the perfect time to loot,
everyone's distracted...

Okay. Nomi, you flank them
from the left and I'll... Nomi?

- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- You saved my life, kid.

- Here, I want you to have this.
- Aww, you shouldn't...

Hey, this is mine!

And now, it's yours. Forever.

Chonies! Now!


Get to the Pluto.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

- You heard the Captain. To the ship!
- No! Wait.

Wait! I might not be fine!

Worry about me! Worry about me!

Well, he also told us
to worry about him, I...

Trust me, he'll be fine.

My loot!

My loot!

I just want to remind you guys that
I would've happily given you this blaster.


Well, if you'll excuse...

Okay, okay. Before you kill me,

you gotta admit that move
I just did was awesome.

Hup-up-up! What's it worth to you?

- Ed!
- Ed!

Okay, fine. But you owe me one.

Okay. So, how do we feel about the planet?

Suitable for humans, right?


We could at least put it down as a maybe.

Ugh, fine!

Come on, Garbage! Attaboy!

Chelsea, it's me, Garbage.

- Not that you'd forget or anything.
- That's unlikely.

Anyway, um, I'm afraid
the Creepicheep planet didn't work out,

but don't worry. The next planet's
going to be the one. I know it.

Nomi to Captain.

Just seen something through the windshield
we need you to look at.


I'll fetch you and all humanity
an awesome new home,

and you're going to see just how right
you were to put your faith in me.

I hope these messages
are reaching you, but...

Nomi to Captain.

Question. Is it technically
a windshield if we're in space?

There isn't any wind. Over.

But I guess they're not
because you'd have replied.

Nomi to Captain.

We're having an argument
about the windshield thing, and I...

- Of course it's a windshield...
- But it shields us from space.

- Yeah, we really need your input. Over.
- Ed!

- Did I... Did I press the button?
- Oh. Over.

Garbage to crew.

Just hold on a minute for
the love of belly rubs!


Anyway, uh, I love you and I miss you,

and I hope you miss me.

Don't get a new dog!

Okay. Bye.

Okay, I've thought about it
and it's definitely a space shield...


It looks... perfect.

It might be. The scan suggests
a climate similar to Earth,

but it isn't showing up on the
M-Bark's mapping systems, which is...

...kind of spooky.

It's a ghost planet.

- There's no such thing as ghosts.
- That's what they want you to think.

Wait, so this place
hasn't been investigated?

It's just here?

Ed hasn't been investigated
and he's just here.

What? Uh, investigated? Me?

What crimes? I'm a saint!

Similar to Earth.

This is it. This has gotta be it!

Nomi, set a course for this planet...

Darn it! Chonies, please tell me
we have enough fuel to get there!

Yes, Captain.
We have enough fuel to get there.

- Terrific. Nomi, set a course...
- But that's not true.

- Why did you lie to me, Chonies?
- You just told me to!

Argh! Fine! Mark it on the map.

We're coming back for this planet.

Watch it!

My ship!

It's not my fault
we're out of fuel!

How was your mission, Garbage?
Another embarrassing failure?

No, it wasn't an embarrassing failure,
Captain Happy.

- Yeah, it was just a regular failure.
- Exactly.

I wasn't embarrassed at all.

Besides, every mission
you've done is technically a failure, too.

You haven't found a new Earth.

Actually, the indigenous species
gave us some leads

on potentially suitable
planets in the quadrant,

and also gift bags, so,
that feels successful to me.

Captain, you're alive!

Uh, I mean, congratulations on not dying.

The Council wants to see you.

Don't worry.

It won't be a bad meeting, for me.

- Come along, former Captain Gar...
- Oh. Silly me.

Getting ahead of myself.

Random security pat-down!

Gotta check you for alien parasites.

Oh yeah? Why is that, Jerry?

Are you looking for friends
on your intellectual level?

More like I'm trying
to convince you to take a shower.

Garbage by name, garbage by stink.

Well, at least
I don't stink of loneliness.

I'm not lonely! I'm just alone!

And then when they found out
I was a member of the Council,

they gave me gift bags for you as well.

Well, yeah, I mean.

Ah, no, no, please,
just diplomacy, really.

Captain Garbage, mission report,

and gift bags, if you have them.

Swag bags, some folks call them.

Uh. Well, I don't have gift bags...

- Ooh.
- That's disappointing.

But my mission was immensely successful.

I efficiently ruled out
an unsuitable planet in record time.


Was it unsuitable before you arrived?

Look, they didn't understand why
I was reaching for my blaster, and...

Might these aliens seek revenge
and attack the M-Bark?

Well, I'd like to see them try!

Excuse me for a moment.

- Please continue.
- Garbage,

for the past 14 dog years,

your missions have always gone a little...

- disastrously.
- Oh, come on, that's...

fair. But that's the kind of Captain I am.

A risk-taking rogue
who plays by his own rules,

and then breaks those rules.

Captain, the rules are there
to ensure every dog has its day,

as in, literally survives for the day.

Noted. Anyway,

the next planet's
not going to find itself.

So, if you'll excuse m...

Captain, we know you mean well,

but you have to actually do well, too.

Therefore, we're suspending you
and your crew from duty

- until...
- No! You gotta let me back out! I...

This is temporary.

The Council must discuss
whether you're fit to be a Captain.

Until then, you must stay on the M-Bark.

- But...
- Stay.

Stay. Stay.

Lie down.

Earth is counting on you.

And so are your humans.
Your undying loyalty to humanity

is why your species was chosen
for this crucial mission.

Find us a new planet,
and bring its location back,

like a giant cosmic game of fetch.

Your owners miss you,
and we know you miss them.

You are their last hope.

The Planetary Relocation
And Terraforming Syndicate

thanks you for your service.

And remember, you're good dogs!



Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Great news.

The Council was so impressed
with how we handled the mish,

we've been given time off.

- We've been suspended, haven't we?
- Yes,

but I have a plan to un-suspend us.

Is it obeying commands?

If by obeying commands,
you mean defying them, then, yes.

Why would that be what I mean?

We gotta go check out that planet
we saw through the windshield.

It's a space shield.

Whatever! I bet you it's the planet
we've been searching for.

We fly there,
we prove it's good for humans,

we come back heroes!

Garbage, if it wasn't
for your rule-breaking,

we'd all be dead.

We can't thank you enough,
but we're gonna try.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ooh, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

And as punishment
for Happy's refusal to trust you...

Captain, for someone so good
at improvising without a plan,

- this is a brilliant plan.
- Thank you, Chonies.

We are with you 1,000%, Captain!

What's the plan again?

Garbage, it might not be the right planet.
It didn't even show up on the scanners.

What if it's a space mirage?
Or, or, or a bounty hunter trap?

I can't deal with this kind of stress!

I'm not sure you can deal
with any kind of stress.

Garbage. You'll lose your Captain's chair

and any chance to find Earth
a new planet if they notice.

But what if

they don't realize
the Captain's gone? Hmm?

Hmm. You gotta admit, I look
way better in your clothes than you do.

And now, for the finishing touch.

Holo-disguise! Nice work, Chonies!

Loaf, make sure we don't miss our window

to get back to the M-Bark
before it goes out of range,

or we'll be stranded,
floating in space forever until we die.

This is so much pressure.
It's making me sweat.

I don't even have sweat glands.
How am I sweating?

I'm kind of surprised
you're with us on this.

Well, if it's a choice between
feeling guilty about disobeying orders

or feeling guilty about
your certain death without me,


- Uh...
- You're a good friend, Stella.

Let's disobey orders!


Why are you in the hangar?

Oh, just hangar-ing out.

You smell different.
And what's with your voice?

Nothing. Maybe there's
something wrong with your ears.


I know you'll disobey orders, Captain.

You can't help yourself.

And when I catch you,

you're done.

Uh, Captain?

Something in the planet's atmosphere

is disrupting all communications
with the M-Bark.

It's fine.

I mean, it's not like we want them
to know where we are anyway, right?

- Take us down, Nomi.
- Yes, Captain.

Captain, my scanner's
picking up a transmission.

This is exploratory Captain Kira.

Attempt 38 to contact Earth.

I have yet to receive any return messages.

I'm beginning to wonder
if you're looking for me at all.

Is that a dog?

You wouldn't just
leave me out in space, right?

Man's best friend?
Of course you're trying to find me.

Anyone from Earth,
from P.R.A.T.S., please respond.

I crash landed in...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! P.R.A.T.S. Center?

Captain, this transmission,
it's more than a dog-decade old.

Ghost planet. I called it.

Come on. Let's see what this is all about.

Stay close.

It's a P.R.A.T.S. shuttle.

- Follow me.
- Garbage!

- Be careful, this might be a trap.
- I am the trap!

Ugh! Come on!

Yeah, you're the trap all right.

Oh, poop.