Documentary Now! (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
♪♪
♪♪
Good evening.
I'm Helen Mirren,
and you're watching
"Documentary Now!", Season 52.
In 1970, Broadway legends
Simon Sawyer and Howard Pine
allowed filmmaker
R.C. Baumgartner
to document the cast recording
of their brand-new musical.
We give you the joy, the pain,
and the music of "Co-Op".
[Horn honks]
[Band playing]
Hey, Dave.
Barbara, Alby and I
accidentally grabbed
each other's cases again.
Look, I need my trumpet.
How many channels
are we recording on?
Seven.
So we're definitely
gonna need more than that.
Pbbbth.
♪ At the co-op
♪ Beaux arts under scaffolding
♪ The co-op
Well, we had had such
an enormous hit with...
Huge.
..."Has Anyone
Ever Told You
That You'd Look Better
As A Brunette?",
which at the time was the
longest title ever on Broadway,
though of course
now everyone's copied it.
So what next?
And then it hit us.
We were walking along 82nd
and Third Avenue, which --
God and everyone else
on Earth knows
how beautiful that block is --
large, white,
practical apartment buildings,
and one of us said...
You said it.
I did not say it.
"There must be 200 units
of apartments in that co-op,
and that is 200
different stories,"
and we both thought
there's a show in that.
I actually said, "That's
not a good idea for a show".
Alright,
this is it, people.
Settle.
"Co-Op" -- take one.
♪♪
♪ At the co-op
♪ It's Beaux-Arts
under scaffolding ♪
♪ Co-op
♪ The staff can't do anything
♪ Co-op
♪ But they might still
strike this spring ♪
♪ That's the gossip
at the mail drop ♪
♪ Here in our co-op
Whose package is this?!
Something from Overnight Insulin
Emergency Providers?
Going once, twice?
Nope?
Okay, garbage time.
Bye, bye, box!
♪ Co-op
♪ Why's the water
shut off today? ♪
♪ Co-op
♪ The super just walked away
♪ Co-op
♪ I'd rather squat in a loft
than stay in this ♪
♪ One-stop flop
♪ Called a co-op
♪ 22 floors and a roof deck
that's off-limits ♪
♪ 160 units managed by
a staff of dimwits ♪
♪ We pay a king's ransom
for a one-bedroom tomb ♪
♪ But you can sort of see
the Chrysler from the window ♪
♪ In your room
♪ The window in your room
♪ And you don't own any land,
just a box in the sky ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ The neighbor's cooking kasha
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ And your other neighbor died
♪ Moving here felt lucky,
but that time is forgot ♪
♪ But you'll never give up
your spot ♪
♪ At the co-op
♪ Our blessed co-op
Wow. Well, that was a hell
of a good first take.
Let's move on.
Okay.
Please let everybody know
it's closed.
You want me to do that?
Please.
Uh, okay.
Uh, before we move on,
uh, Howard and Simon
have a note.
Oh, you can...
Or, um...
a factoid, I guess.
This show, "CO-OP: The Musical",
has been closed.
And I can tell by the look
on all of your faces
that you didn't read the reviews
that came out today,
and therefore were not able to,
uh, anticipate this news,
but -- but it -- it is closed.
It's -- it's, uh,
it's over.
It's -- it's not --
it's -- it's all done.
[All whispering]
Okay, we're back from the break.
I said "take 20",
it's now half past,
so Larry, I want to go
right into your number.
Larry?
Put the coffee down.
Let's focus!
Alright. Come on.
Come on!
Let's do this thing.
Orchestra?
Always accelerando, okay?
But never beyond allegro.
That's no comment
on all of you, obviously.
Hey, I speak Italian,
capiche?
Oh, you read the Times.
So you think I can't sing fast,
huh? [Bleep] critics.
This is why I don't read
this shit because --
because it's
beneath my vision.
L-Like this one, like this one.
"In his show-stopping solo
'Christmas Tips',
Mr. Lonson provided the night's
only dramatic moment --
that is, with this actor
so clearly out of breath
by the first stanza be able
to finish the fast-paced song
or would he suffer
cardiac arrest on-stage?"
Okay? Allegro?
Presto. Fasto.
Huh? Huh?
I'll -- I'll show you
breath control.
Benedict: "Christmas Tips".
Orchestra!
Man and Woman: Hello Robbie.
Hello.
♪ Welcome home Mister and Mrs,
what is this? ♪
♪ I'll tell you, this is just
a package I've been holding ♪
♪ It's addressed
to Mrs. Goldstein ♪
♪ What a co-op, what a lobby
♪ Every slob is acting snobby
♪ But you take a tip
from Robbie ♪
♪ You should tip your doorman
♪ The holidays are merry
♪ All the secrets that I carry
♪ One slip of the lip is scary
♪ 'Cause tomorrow
you're not married ♪
♪ I open the door
♪ Give kids high fives
♪ One, two, three
♪ I open the door
♪ And I watch your lives
♪ And the things you do
♪ So you better tip me
♪ 'Cause I watch your lives
♪ Mr. Adams, Mrs. Eve
♪ This is your gift
I do believe? ♪
♪ A tree planted in
Tel Aviv? ♪
♪ For your marriage,
I now grieve ♪
♪ You see only him,
and me know ♪
♪ Back when you
were getting chemo ♪
♪ That nurse who was Filipino
♪ Got knocked up
with a bambino ♪
♪ And he sent them off to Reno
♪ You should have tipped me
better ♪
♪ At least $100 and a sweater
♪ Make it cashmere,
there's a letter
♪ From the nurse
that would upset her ♪
- And breath.
- Full breath.
♪ I open the door
♪ Give kids high-fives
♪ One, two, three
♪ I open the door
♪ And I watch your lives
♪ Your private lives
♪ Co-op,
cooperate with me-eeee ♪
[Panting]
Alright?!
That's how you do allegro.
♪ It's a New York soap opera
♪ One I've seen before
♪ It's a New York soap opera
♪ Open, close the door
Hi, Judy. Hi, Dee Dee.
Uh, you've been
doing something wrong
for about three weeks,
and it's been annoying me.
I want to talk to you
about it right now.
Uh, let's see here.
Okay?
Uh, bah, bah, bah, bah.
"It's a New York soap opera,
and for love stay tuned".
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and for love stay tuned ♪
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and my heart is ruined ♪
No.
"Rooned".
And my heart is --
what?
"Rooned".
The word is "Rooned".
"Ruined".
"Rooned".
I'm --
R-U-I-N-E-D.
There's only one way
to say it. "Rooned".
Ru-in-ed.
Okay, supposing I asked you,
in the past tense,
how did you kill a whale?
Is this a riddle?
No.
It's a simple question.
How do you kill a whale?
I'm really intimidated
by you right now.
You harpoon it, right?
Now say that
in the past tense.
"Harpoon-ed".
Right.
Now take off the "H"
and the "A" and "R".
"Pooned".
Now switch that "P"
with an "R".
"Rooned".
Yeah.
You've got it now.
It's a New York...
♪ Soap opera
and for love stay tuned ♪
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and my love is -- is rooned ♪
Perfect. Now she's gonna say
"harpooned" on this take,
but that's not my fault.
Okay.
This was a good exercise.
Hi, Judy.
Hi.
Hope to see you at
our holiday party tonight, Joe.
Holiday party?
God, no.
♪♪
♪ Hark the herald
angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn king
♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
♪ God and sinners reconciled
[Music tempo increases]
♪ If I'm being honest,
it was all very harrowing ♪
♪ When the invite came
for an evening of caroling ♪
♪ I don't like singing,
I'm not much for conversation ♪
♪ And the combo of the two
gave me such hesitation ♪
♪ I took a little something
just to dull all the edges ♪
♪ Either that or I was certain
to be jumping off the ledges ♪
♪ I'm really quite sorry,
but I'm going to admit it ♪
♪ I'm really so sorry,
if I could I would quit it ♪
♪ But the fact of the matter is
I did a little cocaine tonight ♪
♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen
♪ Let nothing you dismay
♪ Remember Christ our savior
was born on Christmas Day ♪
♪ I'm trying to relax
but instead I keep finding ♪
♪ That I'm sweating
from my brow ♪
♪ And my teeth won't
stop grinding ♪
♪ And my mouth is as dry
as the sand of the Sahara-y ♪
♪ So I miscalculated
and I chugged down a sherry ♪
♪ The whole room is spinning
and I want to take a knee ♪
♪ But instead I'll sneak a bump
as I hide behind the tree ♪
♪ I'm really very sorry
that I can't stop talking ♪
♪ I'm so very sorry for my
chirping and my squawking ♪
♪ But the fact of the matter is
I did a little cocaine tonight ♪
♪ Oh, man, here comes Ann
♪ She's the athlete from 12G
♪ She's the knees of the bees
♪ Always making eyes at me
♪ It would seem such a dream
♪ If I asked her for a dance
♪ But I just blew a rail
and I'm gonna shit my pants ♪
♪ Hey, Ann, I'm Joe
but of course you know ♪
♪ Hey there, Joe,
yes, Joe, I know ♪
♪ I don't know why
I'm telling you so ♪
♪ I was just about to go
♪ I just got here
and grabbed a beer ♪
♪ I'm partied out
without a doubt ♪
♪ Are people singing
or is it clear ♪
♪ When it comes to singing
I can do without ♪
♪ You look stunning,
is your nose running ♪
♪ Truth be told
I have a cold ♪
♪ I can get a tissue
if it's an issue ♪
♪ Oh, hell, I'm lying
there's no denying ♪
♪ If I come clean
don't start a scene ♪
♪ But in this moonlight,
you're such a sight ♪
♪ That it just feels right
to admit I did ♪
♪ A little bit of cocaine
toniiiiiight! ♪
Do you have more?
I can get some.
This will be take one
of "My Home Court".
And we're gonna
get the dialogue
before the orchestra
comes in, please?
Yes, right. So in this part of
the show, Dee Dee's character
is trying to get an apartment
in the building.
Right, so she's before
the co-op board,
but to her, she's just one
of the tenant's tennis coaches.
- Hmm.
- So it's a -- it's a wish song.
It's also a co-op
board meeting.
It's a fantasy
fulfillment song like
"My Boy Bill" in "Carousel",
which is a flawed show,
but it's still
an "I want that" number.
Yes. It's also an "application
for an apartment" number.
It's a
"bureaucratic apartment
co-op board fantasy
fulfillment" song.
Okay, let's roll!
Dee Dee, darling,
when you're ready.
Norman: Thanks for the lesson
today, Ann.
Be sure to ice
that tennis elbow.
Say, do you know where
the co-op board meets?
In the multi-purpose room.
Why? Are you lost?
No. I have a meeting...
to be approved!
♪ I'm a pro down at the bubble
♪ I teach tennis for my pay
♪ I don't mean
your board much trouble ♪
♪ But may I join
this game of doubles? ♪
♪ Can I play if I can pay?
♪ You'll have questions
with some top spin ♪
♪ And my answers
may be lobs ♪
♪ But if you serve then
I will volley ♪
♪ And we'll rally
tilt its folly ♪
♪ And I'll earn 8K's key fob
♪ The world out there is made
of only grass and clay ♪
♪ Gimme concrete, be a sport
I can conquer on that court ♪
♪ That apartment my home court
♪♪
♪ I can picture
that studio fitted out ♪
♪ With my style
♪ A brown and beige
kinda mood, you know ♪
♪ And metro-hex
Green tile ♪
♪ A framed Navratilova
hangin' just above the sofa ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ There's a nude by Avedon
just above the toilet ♪
♪ A naked guy with pubic hair
and he's sort of -- ♪
♪ I won't spoil it
♪ The right erotic art
♪ Says I'm sexual but smart
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ I'm gonna make a life
up there ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ With floor to ceiling teak
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ It's a palace of 500-square
♪ But it's Polynesian chic
♪ Don't think
it's an insane wish ♪
♪ That my chairs
be winged and Danish ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ I'm laying my dreams on you
♪ I already bought a fondue
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the beige and the brown
♪ With the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the Brown!
♪ Brown!
What a night, huh?
It's you guys I feel sorry for.
I mean, you know, you got to sit
here and memorize
these songs, these notes.
Jesus, look at all that.
You know, but I think we got it.
How am I?
I'm good.
You know, I mean these things --
they come and go,
but you guys --
you're the artists.
I can pull the wool
over the audience's eyes,
but you're there every night.
It's your --
your opinion that I trust.
Am I bad at singing and acting?
Benedict: This is "I Gotta Go",
take one.
♪ Look at me, Cinderella
♪ Stroke of midnight
♪ Footmen? Gone.
♪ My glass slippers?
♪ Now they're Merrells
♪ And Prince Charming?
♪ He's just Ron
♪ Spell is broken
♪ Unenchanted
♪ Sheets are soiled
♪ Linens she picked up
at Bloomies ♪
♪ For a marriage
that I spoiled ♪
♪ I got to go,
I got to go ♪
God damn it.
Benedict: Okay, okay,
hold a moment.
- I got to go!
- I said "hold a moment", please.
Patty: Benedict, I've been
here for 12 hours.
Let me just remind you.
I was supposed to sing
at the beginning.
I was denied that opportunity
again and again.
Now I have to go,
so let's just do this,
and I'll try to do my best.
It -- it --
the whole thing is flaccid.
It likes a buoyancy,
you know?
I agree.
[Sighs]
Uh, Patty, once more
from the top, please.
♪ I got to go, I got to go
God damn it.
♪ I got to hail
a pumpkin coach ♪
Aah!
"I Got to Go", take 11.
Patty: Benedict, just so
we're clear,
earlier, many times,
I mentioned
I had an eye-doctor appointment
to get my eye scraped.
I have already taken
the medication,
and it's ripping
through my system,
so we need
to be brisk with this.
Let's just do it.
♪ And I got to go
♪ I should do better
or different than this ♪
No [bleep] kidding.
"I Got to Go",
take 15.
I got to go, take 20.
♪ I've got to go
Aah!
♪ I got to
hail a pumpkin coach ♪
[Bleep] sake.
Take 22.
♪ I want to go
♪ I want to go
to the eye doctor now ♪
♪ As previously stated,
you pompous beta males ♪
I got to go take 27.
You know what?
I'm just gonna go.
I hope you all have
terrible lives.
Thank you.
Wonderful job, orchestra.
And I worry
we pushed her too far.
Actors have a point
where over-noting
can almost hurt
the performance.
Listen, she'll be back,
and she'll be great.
If there's two things I know,
it's women and exactly what's
going to happen in the future.
[Instruments tuning]
♪ So I got to go
♪ If I don't go, I'm gone
♪ My life's past midnight
♪ I got to go
♪ Where there's breakfasts
and crosswords ♪
♪ And "see ya tomorrow" s
after the night ♪
♪ I got to go, I got to,
I got to go ♪
♪ The world is a question
♪ This room is an answer
♪ And the answer is no
♪ I got to go,
I got to be free ♪
♪ Me!
♪ Donna Bloom!
Oh!
Simon: Patty, honey, it's Simon.
You took that right off
the page, and you made it soar.
Patty, Patty, come in here.
We want you to listen to this.
C-Come listen inside.
Oh, the poor girl,
she's blind as a bat.
[Instruments clattering]
Alright. The moment we've all
been waiting for.
The last song.
This is the last song of "Coop".
- "Co-Op".
- "Co-Op"!
- "Co-Op".
- "Co-Op". Excuse me.
It has been a long 24-hour
recording session,
and you all got
terrible reviews,
and the show is closed,
but you know what?
Let it go.
That's my gift to you.
Simon: And we need
to clear the space.
That's right. Poco's coming in
to record an album,
so we got to move fast.
Simon,
was there anything
you wanted to say?
When you lean into a rhyme,
you shatter the emotional
tone of the lyric.
It's like nails
on a blackboard to me,
and I love you all.
Beautiful. Alright.
Let's roll tape.
Five, six, seven, eight...
Excuse me! Wait!
Damn it, kid!
You pushed my buttons.
You literally pushed
every elevator button.
♪ Awful lot of spunk,
what a little punk ♪
♪ Hits every goddamn floor,
runs out the door ♪
♪ I knew that that kid stunk
♪ From one look at birth
♪ I knew this day would come
♪ Now he's a hoodlum
Going down?
♪ We are going up
Are you certain?
♪ Yep
♪ Adam Klein, that prick
pulled a little trick ♪
♪ Ugh, when will
he grow up? ♪
♪ Kids like that
don't grow up, no ♪
♪ They shoot up and die!
♪ Man, you're an angry guy
♪ I know
♪ All I ever wanted
was to not be a doorman ♪
♪ Maybe play
for the Yankees ♪
♪ Or be wealthy
in general ♪
♪ But we don't get
what we want ♪
♪ So we must love
what we get ♪
♪ Would you like
to go out socially? ♪
Uh, down?
♪ No, we're going up
♪ Some [bleep] kid
pushed every floor ♪
♪ But come and ride because
it's merrier with more ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
♪ Up to the penthouse
in the sky ♪
♪ All 'cause little
Adam Klein's a shitty guy ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
Moving?
♪ Moving so to speak
♪ Not to be oblique
♪ But the truth
is I live somewhere else ♪
♪ It's unique
♪ Til today I was lately
a home-wrecking sneak ♪
♪ It was pretty bleak
Going down?
Ha!
Here's the bastard now.
- Jesus Christ!
- ♪ Have you any shame?
- ♪ Oh, my God
- ♪ This the guy that cheats?
♪ And I've the receipts
♪ And his tipping is lame
♪ Does the whole co-op
suddenly know my affairs? ♪
♪ Care to take the stairs?
Ha, the stairs.
Yeah, right,
I hate the stairs.
I mean, going down them isn't
the worst, but going up...
Stairs in either direction
is a nightmare.
God, I love elevators.
God, I love this co-op.
All: Me, too!
Me, three!
♪ Yes, we're going up!
♪ Co-ops crudely cooperate
♪ It's a hassle, but still
somehow kind of great ♪
♪ So we're going up
♪ In this rising purgatory
♪ Checking in on everyone
and every story ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
- ♪ And the brown
- ♪ Yes, we're going up!
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ Co-op, I love you!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Good evening.
I'm Helen Mirren,
and you're watching
"Documentary Now!", Season 52.
In 1970, Broadway legends
Simon Sawyer and Howard Pine
allowed filmmaker
R.C. Baumgartner
to document the cast recording
of their brand-new musical.
We give you the joy, the pain,
and the music of "Co-Op".
[Horn honks]
[Band playing]
Hey, Dave.
Barbara, Alby and I
accidentally grabbed
each other's cases again.
Look, I need my trumpet.
How many channels
are we recording on?
Seven.
So we're definitely
gonna need more than that.
Pbbbth.
♪ At the co-op
♪ Beaux arts under scaffolding
♪ The co-op
Well, we had had such
an enormous hit with...
Huge.
..."Has Anyone
Ever Told You
That You'd Look Better
As A Brunette?",
which at the time was the
longest title ever on Broadway,
though of course
now everyone's copied it.
So what next?
And then it hit us.
We were walking along 82nd
and Third Avenue, which --
God and everyone else
on Earth knows
how beautiful that block is --
large, white,
practical apartment buildings,
and one of us said...
You said it.
I did not say it.
"There must be 200 units
of apartments in that co-op,
and that is 200
different stories,"
and we both thought
there's a show in that.
I actually said, "That's
not a good idea for a show".
Alright,
this is it, people.
Settle.
"Co-Op" -- take one.
♪♪
♪ At the co-op
♪ It's Beaux-Arts
under scaffolding ♪
♪ Co-op
♪ The staff can't do anything
♪ Co-op
♪ But they might still
strike this spring ♪
♪ That's the gossip
at the mail drop ♪
♪ Here in our co-op
Whose package is this?!
Something from Overnight Insulin
Emergency Providers?
Going once, twice?
Nope?
Okay, garbage time.
Bye, bye, box!
♪ Co-op
♪ Why's the water
shut off today? ♪
♪ Co-op
♪ The super just walked away
♪ Co-op
♪ I'd rather squat in a loft
than stay in this ♪
♪ One-stop flop
♪ Called a co-op
♪ 22 floors and a roof deck
that's off-limits ♪
♪ 160 units managed by
a staff of dimwits ♪
♪ We pay a king's ransom
for a one-bedroom tomb ♪
♪ But you can sort of see
the Chrysler from the window ♪
♪ In your room
♪ The window in your room
♪ And you don't own any land,
just a box in the sky ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ The neighbor's cooking kasha
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ And your other neighbor died
♪ Moving here felt lucky,
but that time is forgot ♪
♪ But you'll never give up
your spot ♪
♪ At the co-op
♪ Our blessed co-op
Wow. Well, that was a hell
of a good first take.
Let's move on.
Okay.
Please let everybody know
it's closed.
You want me to do that?
Please.
Uh, okay.
Uh, before we move on,
uh, Howard and Simon
have a note.
Oh, you can...
Or, um...
a factoid, I guess.
This show, "CO-OP: The Musical",
has been closed.
And I can tell by the look
on all of your faces
that you didn't read the reviews
that came out today,
and therefore were not able to,
uh, anticipate this news,
but -- but it -- it is closed.
It's -- it's, uh,
it's over.
It's -- it's not --
it's -- it's all done.
[All whispering]
Okay, we're back from the break.
I said "take 20",
it's now half past,
so Larry, I want to go
right into your number.
Larry?
Put the coffee down.
Let's focus!
Alright. Come on.
Come on!
Let's do this thing.
Orchestra?
Always accelerando, okay?
But never beyond allegro.
That's no comment
on all of you, obviously.
Hey, I speak Italian,
capiche?
Oh, you read the Times.
So you think I can't sing fast,
huh? [Bleep] critics.
This is why I don't read
this shit because --
because it's
beneath my vision.
L-Like this one, like this one.
"In his show-stopping solo
'Christmas Tips',
Mr. Lonson provided the night's
only dramatic moment --
that is, with this actor
so clearly out of breath
by the first stanza be able
to finish the fast-paced song
or would he suffer
cardiac arrest on-stage?"
Okay? Allegro?
Presto. Fasto.
Huh? Huh?
I'll -- I'll show you
breath control.
Benedict: "Christmas Tips".
Orchestra!
Man and Woman: Hello Robbie.
Hello.
♪ Welcome home Mister and Mrs,
what is this? ♪
♪ I'll tell you, this is just
a package I've been holding ♪
♪ It's addressed
to Mrs. Goldstein ♪
♪ What a co-op, what a lobby
♪ Every slob is acting snobby
♪ But you take a tip
from Robbie ♪
♪ You should tip your doorman
♪ The holidays are merry
♪ All the secrets that I carry
♪ One slip of the lip is scary
♪ 'Cause tomorrow
you're not married ♪
♪ I open the door
♪ Give kids high fives
♪ One, two, three
♪ I open the door
♪ And I watch your lives
♪ And the things you do
♪ So you better tip me
♪ 'Cause I watch your lives
♪ Mr. Adams, Mrs. Eve
♪ This is your gift
I do believe? ♪
♪ A tree planted in
Tel Aviv? ♪
♪ For your marriage,
I now grieve ♪
♪ You see only him,
and me know ♪
♪ Back when you
were getting chemo ♪
♪ That nurse who was Filipino
♪ Got knocked up
with a bambino ♪
♪ And he sent them off to Reno
♪ You should have tipped me
better ♪
♪ At least $100 and a sweater
♪ Make it cashmere,
there's a letter
♪ From the nurse
that would upset her ♪
- And breath.
- Full breath.
♪ I open the door
♪ Give kids high-fives
♪ One, two, three
♪ I open the door
♪ And I watch your lives
♪ Your private lives
♪ Co-op,
cooperate with me-eeee ♪
[Panting]
Alright?!
That's how you do allegro.
♪ It's a New York soap opera
♪ One I've seen before
♪ It's a New York soap opera
♪ Open, close the door
Hi, Judy. Hi, Dee Dee.
Uh, you've been
doing something wrong
for about three weeks,
and it's been annoying me.
I want to talk to you
about it right now.
Uh, let's see here.
Okay?
Uh, bah, bah, bah, bah.
"It's a New York soap opera,
and for love stay tuned".
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and for love stay tuned ♪
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and my heart is ruined ♪
No.
"Rooned".
And my heart is --
what?
"Rooned".
The word is "Rooned".
"Ruined".
"Rooned".
I'm --
R-U-I-N-E-D.
There's only one way
to say it. "Rooned".
Ru-in-ed.
Okay, supposing I asked you,
in the past tense,
how did you kill a whale?
Is this a riddle?
No.
It's a simple question.
How do you kill a whale?
I'm really intimidated
by you right now.
You harpoon it, right?
Now say that
in the past tense.
"Harpoon-ed".
Right.
Now take off the "H"
and the "A" and "R".
"Pooned".
Now switch that "P"
with an "R".
"Rooned".
Yeah.
You've got it now.
It's a New York...
♪ Soap opera
and for love stay tuned ♪
♪ It's a New York soap opera,
and my love is -- is rooned ♪
Perfect. Now she's gonna say
"harpooned" on this take,
but that's not my fault.
Okay.
This was a good exercise.
Hi, Judy.
Hi.
Hope to see you at
our holiday party tonight, Joe.
Holiday party?
God, no.
♪♪
♪ Hark the herald
angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn king
♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
♪ God and sinners reconciled
[Music tempo increases]
♪ If I'm being honest,
it was all very harrowing ♪
♪ When the invite came
for an evening of caroling ♪
♪ I don't like singing,
I'm not much for conversation ♪
♪ And the combo of the two
gave me such hesitation ♪
♪ I took a little something
just to dull all the edges ♪
♪ Either that or I was certain
to be jumping off the ledges ♪
♪ I'm really quite sorry,
but I'm going to admit it ♪
♪ I'm really so sorry,
if I could I would quit it ♪
♪ But the fact of the matter is
I did a little cocaine tonight ♪
♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen
♪ Let nothing you dismay
♪ Remember Christ our savior
was born on Christmas Day ♪
♪ I'm trying to relax
but instead I keep finding ♪
♪ That I'm sweating
from my brow ♪
♪ And my teeth won't
stop grinding ♪
♪ And my mouth is as dry
as the sand of the Sahara-y ♪
♪ So I miscalculated
and I chugged down a sherry ♪
♪ The whole room is spinning
and I want to take a knee ♪
♪ But instead I'll sneak a bump
as I hide behind the tree ♪
♪ I'm really very sorry
that I can't stop talking ♪
♪ I'm so very sorry for my
chirping and my squawking ♪
♪ But the fact of the matter is
I did a little cocaine tonight ♪
♪ Oh, man, here comes Ann
♪ She's the athlete from 12G
♪ She's the knees of the bees
♪ Always making eyes at me
♪ It would seem such a dream
♪ If I asked her for a dance
♪ But I just blew a rail
and I'm gonna shit my pants ♪
♪ Hey, Ann, I'm Joe
but of course you know ♪
♪ Hey there, Joe,
yes, Joe, I know ♪
♪ I don't know why
I'm telling you so ♪
♪ I was just about to go
♪ I just got here
and grabbed a beer ♪
♪ I'm partied out
without a doubt ♪
♪ Are people singing
or is it clear ♪
♪ When it comes to singing
I can do without ♪
♪ You look stunning,
is your nose running ♪
♪ Truth be told
I have a cold ♪
♪ I can get a tissue
if it's an issue ♪
♪ Oh, hell, I'm lying
there's no denying ♪
♪ If I come clean
don't start a scene ♪
♪ But in this moonlight,
you're such a sight ♪
♪ That it just feels right
to admit I did ♪
♪ A little bit of cocaine
toniiiiiight! ♪
Do you have more?
I can get some.
This will be take one
of "My Home Court".
And we're gonna
get the dialogue
before the orchestra
comes in, please?
Yes, right. So in this part of
the show, Dee Dee's character
is trying to get an apartment
in the building.
Right, so she's before
the co-op board,
but to her, she's just one
of the tenant's tennis coaches.
- Hmm.
- So it's a -- it's a wish song.
It's also a co-op
board meeting.
It's a fantasy
fulfillment song like
"My Boy Bill" in "Carousel",
which is a flawed show,
but it's still
an "I want that" number.
Yes. It's also an "application
for an apartment" number.
It's a
"bureaucratic apartment
co-op board fantasy
fulfillment" song.
Okay, let's roll!
Dee Dee, darling,
when you're ready.
Norman: Thanks for the lesson
today, Ann.
Be sure to ice
that tennis elbow.
Say, do you know where
the co-op board meets?
In the multi-purpose room.
Why? Are you lost?
No. I have a meeting...
to be approved!
♪ I'm a pro down at the bubble
♪ I teach tennis for my pay
♪ I don't mean
your board much trouble ♪
♪ But may I join
this game of doubles? ♪
♪ Can I play if I can pay?
♪ You'll have questions
with some top spin ♪
♪ And my answers
may be lobs ♪
♪ But if you serve then
I will volley ♪
♪ And we'll rally
tilt its folly ♪
♪ And I'll earn 8K's key fob
♪ The world out there is made
of only grass and clay ♪
♪ Gimme concrete, be a sport
I can conquer on that court ♪
♪ That apartment my home court
♪♪
♪ I can picture
that studio fitted out ♪
♪ With my style
♪ A brown and beige
kinda mood, you know ♪
♪ And metro-hex
Green tile ♪
♪ A framed Navratilova
hangin' just above the sofa ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ There's a nude by Avedon
just above the toilet ♪
♪ A naked guy with pubic hair
and he's sort of -- ♪
♪ I won't spoil it
♪ The right erotic art
♪ Says I'm sexual but smart
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ I'm gonna make a life
up there ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ With floor to ceiling teak
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ It's a palace of 500-square
♪ But it's Polynesian chic
♪ Don't think
it's an insane wish ♪
♪ That my chairs
be winged and Danish ♪
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown
♪ I'm laying my dreams on you
♪ I already bought a fondue
♪ And the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the beige and the brown
♪ With the brown and the beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the Brown!
♪ Brown!
What a night, huh?
It's you guys I feel sorry for.
I mean, you know, you got to sit
here and memorize
these songs, these notes.
Jesus, look at all that.
You know, but I think we got it.
How am I?
I'm good.
You know, I mean these things --
they come and go,
but you guys --
you're the artists.
I can pull the wool
over the audience's eyes,
but you're there every night.
It's your --
your opinion that I trust.
Am I bad at singing and acting?
Benedict: This is "I Gotta Go",
take one.
♪ Look at me, Cinderella
♪ Stroke of midnight
♪ Footmen? Gone.
♪ My glass slippers?
♪ Now they're Merrells
♪ And Prince Charming?
♪ He's just Ron
♪ Spell is broken
♪ Unenchanted
♪ Sheets are soiled
♪ Linens she picked up
at Bloomies ♪
♪ For a marriage
that I spoiled ♪
♪ I got to go,
I got to go ♪
God damn it.
Benedict: Okay, okay,
hold a moment.
- I got to go!
- I said "hold a moment", please.
Patty: Benedict, I've been
here for 12 hours.
Let me just remind you.
I was supposed to sing
at the beginning.
I was denied that opportunity
again and again.
Now I have to go,
so let's just do this,
and I'll try to do my best.
It -- it --
the whole thing is flaccid.
It likes a buoyancy,
you know?
I agree.
[Sighs]
Uh, Patty, once more
from the top, please.
♪ I got to go, I got to go
God damn it.
♪ I got to hail
a pumpkin coach ♪
Aah!
"I Got to Go", take 11.
Patty: Benedict, just so
we're clear,
earlier, many times,
I mentioned
I had an eye-doctor appointment
to get my eye scraped.
I have already taken
the medication,
and it's ripping
through my system,
so we need
to be brisk with this.
Let's just do it.
♪ And I got to go
♪ I should do better
or different than this ♪
No [bleep] kidding.
"I Got to Go",
take 15.
I got to go, take 20.
♪ I've got to go
Aah!
♪ I got to
hail a pumpkin coach ♪
[Bleep] sake.
Take 22.
♪ I want to go
♪ I want to go
to the eye doctor now ♪
♪ As previously stated,
you pompous beta males ♪
I got to go take 27.
You know what?
I'm just gonna go.
I hope you all have
terrible lives.
Thank you.
Wonderful job, orchestra.
And I worry
we pushed her too far.
Actors have a point
where over-noting
can almost hurt
the performance.
Listen, she'll be back,
and she'll be great.
If there's two things I know,
it's women and exactly what's
going to happen in the future.
[Instruments tuning]
♪ So I got to go
♪ If I don't go, I'm gone
♪ My life's past midnight
♪ I got to go
♪ Where there's breakfasts
and crosswords ♪
♪ And "see ya tomorrow" s
after the night ♪
♪ I got to go, I got to,
I got to go ♪
♪ The world is a question
♪ This room is an answer
♪ And the answer is no
♪ I got to go,
I got to be free ♪
♪ Me!
♪ Donna Bloom!
Oh!
Simon: Patty, honey, it's Simon.
You took that right off
the page, and you made it soar.
Patty, Patty, come in here.
We want you to listen to this.
C-Come listen inside.
Oh, the poor girl,
she's blind as a bat.
[Instruments clattering]
Alright. The moment we've all
been waiting for.
The last song.
This is the last song of "Coop".
- "Co-Op".
- "Co-Op"!
- "Co-Op".
- "Co-Op". Excuse me.
It has been a long 24-hour
recording session,
and you all got
terrible reviews,
and the show is closed,
but you know what?
Let it go.
That's my gift to you.
Simon: And we need
to clear the space.
That's right. Poco's coming in
to record an album,
so we got to move fast.
Simon,
was there anything
you wanted to say?
When you lean into a rhyme,
you shatter the emotional
tone of the lyric.
It's like nails
on a blackboard to me,
and I love you all.
Beautiful. Alright.
Let's roll tape.
Five, six, seven, eight...
Excuse me! Wait!
Damn it, kid!
You pushed my buttons.
You literally pushed
every elevator button.
♪ Awful lot of spunk,
what a little punk ♪
♪ Hits every goddamn floor,
runs out the door ♪
♪ I knew that that kid stunk
♪ From one look at birth
♪ I knew this day would come
♪ Now he's a hoodlum
Going down?
♪ We are going up
Are you certain?
♪ Yep
♪ Adam Klein, that prick
pulled a little trick ♪
♪ Ugh, when will
he grow up? ♪
♪ Kids like that
don't grow up, no ♪
♪ They shoot up and die!
♪ Man, you're an angry guy
♪ I know
♪ All I ever wanted
was to not be a doorman ♪
♪ Maybe play
for the Yankees ♪
♪ Or be wealthy
in general ♪
♪ But we don't get
what we want ♪
♪ So we must love
what we get ♪
♪ Would you like
to go out socially? ♪
Uh, down?
♪ No, we're going up
♪ Some [bleep] kid
pushed every floor ♪
♪ But come and ride because
it's merrier with more ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
♪ Up to the penthouse
in the sky ♪
♪ All 'cause little
Adam Klein's a shitty guy ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
Moving?
♪ Moving so to speak
♪ Not to be oblique
♪ But the truth
is I live somewhere else ♪
♪ It's unique
♪ Til today I was lately
a home-wrecking sneak ♪
♪ It was pretty bleak
Going down?
Ha!
Here's the bastard now.
- Jesus Christ!
- ♪ Have you any shame?
- ♪ Oh, my God
- ♪ This the guy that cheats?
♪ And I've the receipts
♪ And his tipping is lame
♪ Does the whole co-op
suddenly know my affairs? ♪
♪ Care to take the stairs?
Ha, the stairs.
Yeah, right,
I hate the stairs.
I mean, going down them isn't
the worst, but going up...
Stairs in either direction
is a nightmare.
God, I love elevators.
God, I love this co-op.
All: Me, too!
Me, three!
♪ Yes, we're going up!
♪ Co-ops crudely cooperate
♪ It's a hassle, but still
somehow kind of great ♪
♪ So we're going up
♪ In this rising purgatory
♪ Checking in on everyone
and every story ♪
♪ Yes, we're going up
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
- ♪ And the brown
- ♪ Yes, we're going up!
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ And the brown and beige
and the brown and the beige ♪
♪ Co-op, I love you!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪