Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 0, Episode 0 - Special - full transcript
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, we present...
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Featuring Eric Idle...
Terry Jones...
David...
David...
David Jason...
Michael Palin...
And the incredible, sensational
explosive Denise Coffey
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Goodnight and welcome to "Turnaround",
where we'll be taking a long, hard, tough
thorough, strong, abrasive look
at the world of current affairs.
And tonight, our eager, probing cameras...
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Now, look, darling,
I told you not to ring me here.
Yes, of course, I love you.
Look, um, can I ring you back?
Yes, I will. Bye-bye.
Bye-de-bye.
...look at Britain today!
In an ever-changing world, what are
the problems facing English men now?
I still haven't got O-level maths.
I'm in the wrong seat.
I'm also in the wrong seat
but I do know quite a bit about pimples.
I haven't been paid since the last time
I appeared on this programme.
- Neither have I.
- Neither have I.
I have.
But I still haven't got O-level maths.
Well, there you are, just a random
selection of opinions and ideas
and we'll be bringing you more fearless,
forthright, up-to-the-minute ideas
that'll really get this country going
and on its feet again.
But first, the cricket results.
Yorkshire, 1,682 for one declared.
Nottinghamshire eight all out,
and three for nine.
Match drawn.
Middlesex 194, all out.
Wilson six for 23,
oranges four for one and six
- lettuce a shilling.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And finally, the match between Essex
and Derbyshire was abandoned.
Police are anxious to trace the wicket
keeper and two nude umpires.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, "Turnaround" looks at the arts.
- And first...
- (PHONE RINGS)
Oh, hello, darling.
Yes, of course I still love you.
Look, um, shall I ring you back?
Yes, I will. OK, sweetie pie.
Bye-bye, my little birdie.
Tweedy-man will soon be home.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye!
And first, the sensational discovery
of the '60s, the kitchen sink drama!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, another "Turnaround" scoop,
Eric Idle talks to Vic Bergen
one of Britain's number one stuntmen.
(LOUD CRASH)
Uh, Mr Bergen here...
there...
has just dropped in to talk to us
about some of the problems
of being a stuntman.
Uh, Mr Bergen,
in your long career as being a stuntman
haven't you ever hurt yourself at all?
BERGEN (MUFFLED):
Of course I have!
ERIC: Oh. I understand you're going to do
a stunt for us now, Mr Bergen.
BERGEN (MUFFLED):
I've just done it!
ERIC:
You've just done it.
Oh, dear. He's just done it.
Well, that's all from Mr Bergen and I until
next week when I shall be interviewing
a well-known doctor.
Can you wait until then, Mr Bergen?
I wasn't late, darling, you were late.
Look, we've gone through all this before.
It was you... I was... Oh.
And now, science.
For some of the latest developments,
over to Aberystwyth.
Now, look, darling,
I don't know how many times...
(IN WELSH ACCENT):
Oh, and...
down here in the science
establishment, in...
Wales, er, we...
we, erm... er...
scientists have been working now for, um...
erm...
well, for a long time, anyway,
doing research into, um...
doing research into, er...
memory!
That... That's what we're doing
research into, memory!
I've remembered, everybody!
Wake up, we're doing research into memory!
And finally, a piece of late news.
The government has just come up
with a new weapon in the war
to stop British scientists
leaving the country.
It's a Thompson submachine gun.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello, darling.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir!
I thought you were darling.
Yes, sir, of course you're "sir,"
you're not "darling" at all. I know, sir.
Yes. I see, sir.
Fine. I'm fired. Right, sir. Fine.
Goodbye, darling. Sir!
Ah, well, that's all from me and
"Turnabout" this week, and, um...
next week, I'll be taking a long, tough,
hard, thorough
strong, abrasive look at labour exchanges.
It's awfully sad because...
l was so happy about a job here.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello, good evening and welcome to
- "What Do You...?"
- (CUCKOO CALL PLAYS)
A new television quiz game
loosely based on all the old
television quiz games.
Well, the rules are very simple.
Each week, we shall ask a team of two
fairly interesting personalities
- The Deaconess of Detroit...
- Hullo.
- EDRICH: And Lord Elpus...
- Hello.
...a series of questions
in either (RING) category
(BUZZ) category,
or special category, (GUNSHOT).
- If they get it right, they get a...
- (FANFARE)
- And if they get it wrong, they get a...
- (FART NOISE)
At the end of the show,
they will hear this.
- (GONG RINGS)
- And they must stop immediately.
At any point in the proceedings,
they may be given a (HORN BLARES)
which means they can ask for
a new question, or if they hear a...
(BELL RINGS)
...it's the fire alarm.
If they wish to interrupt a (RING)
or a (BUZZ)
but not a (GUNSHOT),
they must press their special buttons.
Lord Elpus, will you press yours?
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
EDRICH:
And Deaconess, yours?
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS)
if they get it right,
they get 15 points on the scoreboard here
four letters on the blackboard
for each correct part
and a shot from the crossbow
from our mystery gunner.
Like so.
In the event of a tie,
I shall start the clock.
- And there will be a choice of either a...
- (FANFARE)
- Or a...
- (FART NOISE)
...for the first of either the...
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestant, or the...
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestant who can make the golden word
"Birmingham" from his four letters.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- And he will be given a...
- (HIP HIP HOORAY)
Which will mean that
he's this week's winner.
Well, that, quite simply, are the rules.
And now, we're ready to play
the very first edition of
- "What Do You...?"
- (CUCKOO CALL PLAYS)
And the first question is a (RING) for you,
Lord Elpus.
What are the...
(GONG RINGS)
Oh, dear. I'm afraid that's all
we've got time for this week.
The scores are still level,
so until next week, it's goodbye from me
- Lord Elpus...
- Goodbye.
- The Deaconess of Detroit...
- Goodbye.
- And not forgetting our mystery gunner.
- (ARROW WHISTLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Halt! Who goes there? Friend or foe?
MAN:
Foe!
Oh, blimey.
(GUNSHOT)
(MAN GROANS)
Well done, Foster. Just testing.
Urgh!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello, beauty fans.
Welcome to "Beauty Corner".
My name is Valerie Fairweather
and today, I want to tell you about
a wonderful new beauty product.
It's called simply FB87
and you simply dab a little on each cheek
and rub it in.
It comes in a jug and it looks
very much like ordinary custard.
In fact, it has the same texture
as custard, and...
but don't worry,
because you can also use it with prunes.
Now it's time for viewers' letters.
Viewer's letter.
It's from a Mr G. Garden of Hampstead
who tells us that his hands get rough
and greasy after a day's work at the sink.
Well, Mr Garden, we've found one sure way
to avoid that.
Wash up with your feet.
I'll be back next week
with the secret of eternal youth.
Goodnight.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# I'm the urban spaceman, baby #
# I've got speed #
# I've got everything I need #
# I'm the urban spaceman, baby #
# I can fly #
# I'm a supersonic guy #
# I don't need pleasure #
# I don't feel pain #
# If you were to knock me down
I'd just get up again #
# I'm the urban spaceman
I've got hairs on my chest #
# I never get depressed #
# I wake up every morning with a smile
upon my face #
# My natural exuberance spills out
all over the place #
# I'm the urban spaceman, babe #
# I'm making out #
# I'm all about #
(RECORDER SOLO)
# I'm the urban spaceman
I'm intelligent and clean #
# Know what I mean? #
# I'm the urban spaceman
As a lover, second to none #
# It's a lot of fun #
# I never let my friends down #
# I've never made a boob #
# I'm a glossy magazine
An advert in the tube #
# I'm the urban spaceman, babe #
# And here comes the twist #
# I don't exist #
ANNOUNCER:
Five... four..
Three... two...
one...
blast-off!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Next, please.
Ah, come in, Mr Whittles. How are you?
- (WHITTLES NEIGHS)
- Yes, sit down.
Now, let's have a look at your hand,
alright?
- (WHITTLES NEIGHS)
- Yes, that's nasty.
- Does it still hurt?
- (HE CRIES)
- How about this one?
- (HE WHINES)
Yes, well, I think it's just a bruise.
Don't think there's anything broken.
Teach you to play rugby
three times a week, eh?
- (HE LAUGHS)
- Anyway...
I'm going to give you some ointment
and I want you to rub it on
every night before you go to bed, alright?
Now then, what was the other thing?
(HE NEIGHS FRANTICALLY)
- Oh, yes, the cough.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Cough.
- (HE COUGHS HORRIFICALLY)
Yes, well, that's clearing up nicely.
Nothing to worry about there.
Just keep taking the cough mixture
and don't shout too much.
Well, that was all, wasn't it?
Just the finger and the cough?
- (HE GRUNTS)
- Thank you, Mr Whittles, be seeing you.
By the way, how's your wife?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Great Discoveries Of Our Time.
James Watt discovers the steam engine
from the simple kettle.
James?
What?
- Uh-huh.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
James?
What?
Do you not notice anything strange
about the way the kettle's boiling?
Mm. How do you mean, Janet?
Well, do you not see all that steam
pouring out of the spout?
Do you not think, James,
that could be harnessed
to provide a means of transport?
You mean a travelling kettle?
Aye, James.
A kettle that could travel from London
to Glasgow in five hours flat.
Aye, you could have express kettles.
And stopping kettles,
and even cattle kettles.
Aye, and kettle spotters
and electric kettles!
I can see it now,
on hoardings all over their land...
"It's quicker by kettle."
"Kettle fares up."
- "Kettle fares down."
- Aye.
Aye, aye. "Kettles go slow,
Prime Minister steps in."
- Aye.
- Aye.
Ah, it's you, is it, my boy?
And about time too, look at the hour.
I'm sorry, Father, the train was late.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Well, I applied for the job and I got it.
Sunday Times, wanted, personal column.
"Wanted, Olympic torch bearer.
No previous experience necessary."
I went to see the man,
he said it's a good job going free.
"You get the good job, you go free."
I took it, I've got to hump this
flaming torch from Mount Olympus
that's in Greece,
to the next Olympic Stadium.
That's in Mexico or "Me-hi-co"
as they call it in Mexico.
I've got to get it there by 1968
so I've started early.
Mind you, what attracted me to the job
in the first place
was all them Greek virgins
on Mount Olympus.
I've always had a soft spot
for Greek virgins.
Mind you, I'll let you into a secret
about them Greek virgins.
They're not, you know.
Not all of them.
Some of them are Italians,
not Greeks at all.
Not real Greeks, not the sort of Greeks
you see in the street
not the sort of person you see and say,
"He's a Greek."
Like Melina Mercouri.
It's those white frocks I go for,
they don't wear a thing
under them except sandals.
I don't have much trouble with the flame,
they're very modern now.
This one works on petrol.
You do feel a bit of a fool though,
lumbering into a garage and asking them
to fill you up.
Course, they ask you to put the light out.
I say, "Do you mind? It's a sacred flame."
They say, "Yes, and my name's Aphrodite."
I reckon to do about
15 miles to the gallon,
and the AA do you
a nice little map.
Course, I'm going the pretty route.
It's worth it in the long run.
I'm going via Africa, across the Sahara,
or "desert" as the local people call it.
I don't mind the heat, I'm used to it,
I'm from the South of England.
Oh, well, you'll have to excuse me
'cause I must go.
And that's another place it's tricky taking
an Olympic torch into.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DRUMROLL PLAYS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
In the unceasing war against crime
Scotland Yard uses many devices
and one of these is known as
the stoolpigeon.
He is a man on his own.
The stoolpigeon must live by his wits.
Yeah, well, I think we better take another
look at the map, yeah?
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Is this Sparker Niftin's gaff?
Yeah, I'm Sparker Niftin. What do you want?
I'm the new gang member, PC Waters.
- PC Waters?
- Er...
Peter Charles Waters.
Blimey, I thought for a minute
he was a copper.
Oh, no, sir.
Well, you better come and sit down,
we're just going over the plans.
Right-o.
Now then...
(WATERS WHISTLES)
Hello.
Now look, the timing of the raid
will go like this...
Tea, Mugsy?
Oh, right, ta, Maisie.
Now, listen carefully
'cause this could be
one of the most brilliant
raids ever planned...
Now, we leave the garage in Duke Street
at exactly ten o'clock
- in the brown car, right?
- In the brown car.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry, sir, I just want the facts.
You don't write...
You don't write nothing down, see?
You keep it all up 'ere in your head!
In your E-double-D, your head. Get it?
Well, it wasn't the mode of procedure
I was taught at, erm...
gang college.
Gang college...
Now, look. We gotta be outside the bank
by 20 past one.
And you, Vince, right,
you take the van, see?
And you'll take it and you'll park it
right down there on that little...
- Can't do that.
- Right...
- Why not?
- Double yellow lines.
No parking, even front-loading,
between the hours of 8:30am
and 6:30pm.
Listen here, wise-guy.
Whose side are you on?
I am on the side of the criminal.
Now, look. I've timed it
right down to the last second.
At 10:22, the security van comes up
to the back door of the bank, right?
At 10:24 exactly, the safe is blown.
Now, that will give us exactly 30 seconds
to get from the safe...
- That's enough!
- Get away... before...
(SET CLATTERS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Gentlemen, I have a nasty surprise for you.
I am not a criminal.
I am, in fact, a stool pigeon.
- What?
- What do you mean?
I am a plainclothes police officer
in disguise.
- Eh?
- Blimey!
So am I.
Superintendent Jackson, CID.
Sergeant Pepper, Criminal Records.
So am I. Police Constable
Raymond Francis, Q Division.
Policewoman Valerie Foster, C Division!
We're all coppers!
Well, what are we gonna do, Super?
Can you blow a safe, Sergeant?
Well, actually, I could...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ERIC: I want to tell you something about
the film which you are about to see.
Tonight, we're going to show you
one of the most extraordinary sights
ever seen on television screens.
Good heavens above, um...
Switch it off! Switch it off!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, tonight we take a look
at one of the great heroes of our time
and examine the man behind the myth.
This is Captain Fantastic!
He is fast!
He is strong!
He is fierce!
He is alert!
(CAR SCREECHES)
He is ugly!
See him stamp out the curse of the ants!
(EXPLOSION SOUND)
He knows where the action is!
Yes, just watch him move!
See him deal with the powers of evil!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
See him contact his control!
Hello, Control.
- WOMAN: Who did you want?
- Can I have Base, please?
WOMAN: Certainly Would you
put sixpence in, please?
ANNOUNCER:
See his socks!
See him conform to the essential dictates
of authority!
Pull!
Push!
Lift!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
See him face up to trouble!
See him do things by halves!
(DEVICE BEEPS)
See him battle against insurmountable odds!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SHIP HORN BLOWS)
(GUNS FIRE)
See him take off for adventure!
See him take off for adventure!
See him take off for adventure!
See him at your local cinema now!
I'm sorry, er...
Hs local cinema. Now.
He's Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
Knights of the Round Table.
Episode 27.
"The Court Gathers. "
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Pot of tea for ten, and who wants biscuits?
(THEY CLAMOUR)
Three biscuits over there...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Ladies and gentlemen, we present...
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Featuring Eric Idle...
Terry Jones...
David...
David...
David Jason...
Michael Palin...
And the incredible, sensational
explosive Denise Coffey
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Goodnight and welcome to "Turnaround",
where we'll be taking a long, hard, tough
thorough, strong, abrasive look
at the world of current affairs.
And tonight, our eager, probing cameras...
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Now, look, darling,
I told you not to ring me here.
Yes, of course, I love you.
Look, um, can I ring you back?
Yes, I will. Bye-bye.
Bye-de-bye.
...look at Britain today!
In an ever-changing world, what are
the problems facing English men now?
I still haven't got O-level maths.
I'm in the wrong seat.
I'm also in the wrong seat
but I do know quite a bit about pimples.
I haven't been paid since the last time
I appeared on this programme.
- Neither have I.
- Neither have I.
I have.
But I still haven't got O-level maths.
Well, there you are, just a random
selection of opinions and ideas
and we'll be bringing you more fearless,
forthright, up-to-the-minute ideas
that'll really get this country going
and on its feet again.
But first, the cricket results.
Yorkshire, 1,682 for one declared.
Nottinghamshire eight all out,
and three for nine.
Match drawn.
Middlesex 194, all out.
Wilson six for 23,
oranges four for one and six
- lettuce a shilling.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And finally, the match between Essex
and Derbyshire was abandoned.
Police are anxious to trace the wicket
keeper and two nude umpires.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, "Turnaround" looks at the arts.
- And first...
- (PHONE RINGS)
Oh, hello, darling.
Yes, of course I still love you.
Look, um, shall I ring you back?
Yes, I will. OK, sweetie pie.
Bye-bye, my little birdie.
Tweedy-man will soon be home.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye!
And first, the sensational discovery
of the '60s, the kitchen sink drama!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, another "Turnaround" scoop,
Eric Idle talks to Vic Bergen
one of Britain's number one stuntmen.
(LOUD CRASH)
Uh, Mr Bergen here...
there...
has just dropped in to talk to us
about some of the problems
of being a stuntman.
Uh, Mr Bergen,
in your long career as being a stuntman
haven't you ever hurt yourself at all?
BERGEN (MUFFLED):
Of course I have!
ERIC: Oh. I understand you're going to do
a stunt for us now, Mr Bergen.
BERGEN (MUFFLED):
I've just done it!
ERIC:
You've just done it.
Oh, dear. He's just done it.
Well, that's all from Mr Bergen and I until
next week when I shall be interviewing
a well-known doctor.
Can you wait until then, Mr Bergen?
I wasn't late, darling, you were late.
Look, we've gone through all this before.
It was you... I was... Oh.
And now, science.
For some of the latest developments,
over to Aberystwyth.
Now, look, darling,
I don't know how many times...
(IN WELSH ACCENT):
Oh, and...
down here in the science
establishment, in...
Wales, er, we...
we, erm... er...
scientists have been working now for, um...
erm...
well, for a long time, anyway,
doing research into, um...
doing research into, er...
memory!
That... That's what we're doing
research into, memory!
I've remembered, everybody!
Wake up, we're doing research into memory!
And finally, a piece of late news.
The government has just come up
with a new weapon in the war
to stop British scientists
leaving the country.
It's a Thompson submachine gun.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello, darling.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir!
I thought you were darling.
Yes, sir, of course you're "sir,"
you're not "darling" at all. I know, sir.
Yes. I see, sir.
Fine. I'm fired. Right, sir. Fine.
Goodbye, darling. Sir!
Ah, well, that's all from me and
"Turnabout" this week, and, um...
next week, I'll be taking a long, tough,
hard, thorough
strong, abrasive look at labour exchanges.
It's awfully sad because...
l was so happy about a job here.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello, good evening and welcome to
- "What Do You...?"
- (CUCKOO CALL PLAYS)
A new television quiz game
loosely based on all the old
television quiz games.
Well, the rules are very simple.
Each week, we shall ask a team of two
fairly interesting personalities
- The Deaconess of Detroit...
- Hullo.
- EDRICH: And Lord Elpus...
- Hello.
...a series of questions
in either (RING) category
(BUZZ) category,
or special category, (GUNSHOT).
- If they get it right, they get a...
- (FANFARE)
- And if they get it wrong, they get a...
- (FART NOISE)
At the end of the show,
they will hear this.
- (GONG RINGS)
- And they must stop immediately.
At any point in the proceedings,
they may be given a (HORN BLARES)
which means they can ask for
a new question, or if they hear a...
(BELL RINGS)
...it's the fire alarm.
If they wish to interrupt a (RING)
or a (BUZZ)
but not a (GUNSHOT),
they must press their special buttons.
Lord Elpus, will you press yours?
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
EDRICH:
And Deaconess, yours?
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS)
if they get it right,
they get 15 points on the scoreboard here
four letters on the blackboard
for each correct part
and a shot from the crossbow
from our mystery gunner.
Like so.
In the event of a tie,
I shall start the clock.
- And there will be a choice of either a...
- (FANFARE)
- Or a...
- (FART NOISE)
...for the first of either the...
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestant, or the...
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestant who can make the golden word
"Birmingham" from his four letters.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- And he will be given a...
- (HIP HIP HOORAY)
Which will mean that
he's this week's winner.
Well, that, quite simply, are the rules.
And now, we're ready to play
the very first edition of
- "What Do You...?"
- (CUCKOO CALL PLAYS)
And the first question is a (RING) for you,
Lord Elpus.
What are the...
(GONG RINGS)
Oh, dear. I'm afraid that's all
we've got time for this week.
The scores are still level,
so until next week, it's goodbye from me
- Lord Elpus...
- Goodbye.
- The Deaconess of Detroit...
- Goodbye.
- And not forgetting our mystery gunner.
- (ARROW WHISTLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Halt! Who goes there? Friend or foe?
MAN:
Foe!
Oh, blimey.
(GUNSHOT)
(MAN GROANS)
Well done, Foster. Just testing.
Urgh!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello, beauty fans.
Welcome to "Beauty Corner".
My name is Valerie Fairweather
and today, I want to tell you about
a wonderful new beauty product.
It's called simply FB87
and you simply dab a little on each cheek
and rub it in.
It comes in a jug and it looks
very much like ordinary custard.
In fact, it has the same texture
as custard, and...
but don't worry,
because you can also use it with prunes.
Now it's time for viewers' letters.
Viewer's letter.
It's from a Mr G. Garden of Hampstead
who tells us that his hands get rough
and greasy after a day's work at the sink.
Well, Mr Garden, we've found one sure way
to avoid that.
Wash up with your feet.
I'll be back next week
with the secret of eternal youth.
Goodnight.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# I'm the urban spaceman, baby #
# I've got speed #
# I've got everything I need #
# I'm the urban spaceman, baby #
# I can fly #
# I'm a supersonic guy #
# I don't need pleasure #
# I don't feel pain #
# If you were to knock me down
I'd just get up again #
# I'm the urban spaceman
I've got hairs on my chest #
# I never get depressed #
# I wake up every morning with a smile
upon my face #
# My natural exuberance spills out
all over the place #
# I'm the urban spaceman, babe #
# I'm making out #
# I'm all about #
(RECORDER SOLO)
# I'm the urban spaceman
I'm intelligent and clean #
# Know what I mean? #
# I'm the urban spaceman
As a lover, second to none #
# It's a lot of fun #
# I never let my friends down #
# I've never made a boob #
# I'm a glossy magazine
An advert in the tube #
# I'm the urban spaceman, babe #
# And here comes the twist #
# I don't exist #
ANNOUNCER:
Five... four..
Three... two...
one...
blast-off!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Next, please.
Ah, come in, Mr Whittles. How are you?
- (WHITTLES NEIGHS)
- Yes, sit down.
Now, let's have a look at your hand,
alright?
- (WHITTLES NEIGHS)
- Yes, that's nasty.
- Does it still hurt?
- (HE CRIES)
- How about this one?
- (HE WHINES)
Yes, well, I think it's just a bruise.
Don't think there's anything broken.
Teach you to play rugby
three times a week, eh?
- (HE LAUGHS)
- Anyway...
I'm going to give you some ointment
and I want you to rub it on
every night before you go to bed, alright?
Now then, what was the other thing?
(HE NEIGHS FRANTICALLY)
- Oh, yes, the cough.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Cough.
- (HE COUGHS HORRIFICALLY)
Yes, well, that's clearing up nicely.
Nothing to worry about there.
Just keep taking the cough mixture
and don't shout too much.
Well, that was all, wasn't it?
Just the finger and the cough?
- (HE GRUNTS)
- Thank you, Mr Whittles, be seeing you.
By the way, how's your wife?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Great Discoveries Of Our Time.
James Watt discovers the steam engine
from the simple kettle.
James?
What?
- Uh-huh.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
James?
What?
Do you not notice anything strange
about the way the kettle's boiling?
Mm. How do you mean, Janet?
Well, do you not see all that steam
pouring out of the spout?
Do you not think, James,
that could be harnessed
to provide a means of transport?
You mean a travelling kettle?
Aye, James.
A kettle that could travel from London
to Glasgow in five hours flat.
Aye, you could have express kettles.
And stopping kettles,
and even cattle kettles.
Aye, and kettle spotters
and electric kettles!
I can see it now,
on hoardings all over their land...
"It's quicker by kettle."
"Kettle fares up."
- "Kettle fares down."
- Aye.
Aye, aye. "Kettles go slow,
Prime Minister steps in."
- Aye.
- Aye.
Ah, it's you, is it, my boy?
And about time too, look at the hour.
I'm sorry, Father, the train was late.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Well, I applied for the job and I got it.
Sunday Times, wanted, personal column.
"Wanted, Olympic torch bearer.
No previous experience necessary."
I went to see the man,
he said it's a good job going free.
"You get the good job, you go free."
I took it, I've got to hump this
flaming torch from Mount Olympus
that's in Greece,
to the next Olympic Stadium.
That's in Mexico or "Me-hi-co"
as they call it in Mexico.
I've got to get it there by 1968
so I've started early.
Mind you, what attracted me to the job
in the first place
was all them Greek virgins
on Mount Olympus.
I've always had a soft spot
for Greek virgins.
Mind you, I'll let you into a secret
about them Greek virgins.
They're not, you know.
Not all of them.
Some of them are Italians,
not Greeks at all.
Not real Greeks, not the sort of Greeks
you see in the street
not the sort of person you see and say,
"He's a Greek."
Like Melina Mercouri.
It's those white frocks I go for,
they don't wear a thing
under them except sandals.
I don't have much trouble with the flame,
they're very modern now.
This one works on petrol.
You do feel a bit of a fool though,
lumbering into a garage and asking them
to fill you up.
Course, they ask you to put the light out.
I say, "Do you mind? It's a sacred flame."
They say, "Yes, and my name's Aphrodite."
I reckon to do about
15 miles to the gallon,
and the AA do you
a nice little map.
Course, I'm going the pretty route.
It's worth it in the long run.
I'm going via Africa, across the Sahara,
or "desert" as the local people call it.
I don't mind the heat, I'm used to it,
I'm from the South of England.
Oh, well, you'll have to excuse me
'cause I must go.
And that's another place it's tricky taking
an Olympic torch into.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DRUMROLL PLAYS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(DAGGER SMACKS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
In the unceasing war against crime
Scotland Yard uses many devices
and one of these is known as
the stoolpigeon.
He is a man on his own.
The stoolpigeon must live by his wits.
Yeah, well, I think we better take another
look at the map, yeah?
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Is this Sparker Niftin's gaff?
Yeah, I'm Sparker Niftin. What do you want?
I'm the new gang member, PC Waters.
- PC Waters?
- Er...
Peter Charles Waters.
Blimey, I thought for a minute
he was a copper.
Oh, no, sir.
Well, you better come and sit down,
we're just going over the plans.
Right-o.
Now then...
(WATERS WHISTLES)
Hello.
Now look, the timing of the raid
will go like this...
Tea, Mugsy?
Oh, right, ta, Maisie.
Now, listen carefully
'cause this could be
one of the most brilliant
raids ever planned...
Now, we leave the garage in Duke Street
at exactly ten o'clock
- in the brown car, right?
- In the brown car.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry, sir, I just want the facts.
You don't write...
You don't write nothing down, see?
You keep it all up 'ere in your head!
In your E-double-D, your head. Get it?
Well, it wasn't the mode of procedure
I was taught at, erm...
gang college.
Gang college...
Now, look. We gotta be outside the bank
by 20 past one.
And you, Vince, right,
you take the van, see?
And you'll take it and you'll park it
right down there on that little...
- Can't do that.
- Right...
- Why not?
- Double yellow lines.
No parking, even front-loading,
between the hours of 8:30am
and 6:30pm.
Listen here, wise-guy.
Whose side are you on?
I am on the side of the criminal.
Now, look. I've timed it
right down to the last second.
At 10:22, the security van comes up
to the back door of the bank, right?
At 10:24 exactly, the safe is blown.
Now, that will give us exactly 30 seconds
to get from the safe...
- That's enough!
- Get away... before...
(SET CLATTERS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Gentlemen, I have a nasty surprise for you.
I am not a criminal.
I am, in fact, a stool pigeon.
- What?
- What do you mean?
I am a plainclothes police officer
in disguise.
- Eh?
- Blimey!
So am I.
Superintendent Jackson, CID.
Sergeant Pepper, Criminal Records.
So am I. Police Constable
Raymond Francis, Q Division.
Policewoman Valerie Foster, C Division!
We're all coppers!
Well, what are we gonna do, Super?
Can you blow a safe, Sergeant?
Well, actually, I could...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ERIC: I want to tell you something about
the film which you are about to see.
Tonight, we're going to show you
one of the most extraordinary sights
ever seen on television screens.
Good heavens above, um...
Switch it off! Switch it off!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, tonight we take a look
at one of the great heroes of our time
and examine the man behind the myth.
This is Captain Fantastic!
He is fast!
He is strong!
He is fierce!
He is alert!
(CAR SCREECHES)
He is ugly!
See him stamp out the curse of the ants!
(EXPLOSION SOUND)
He knows where the action is!
Yes, just watch him move!
See him deal with the powers of evil!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
See him contact his control!
Hello, Control.
- WOMAN: Who did you want?
- Can I have Base, please?
WOMAN: Certainly Would you
put sixpence in, please?
ANNOUNCER:
See his socks!
See him conform to the essential dictates
of authority!
Pull!
Push!
Lift!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
See him face up to trouble!
See him do things by halves!
(DEVICE BEEPS)
See him battle against insurmountable odds!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SHIP HORN BLOWS)
(GUNS FIRE)
See him take off for adventure!
See him take off for adventure!
See him take off for adventure!
See him at your local cinema now!
I'm sorry, er...
Hs local cinema. Now.
He's Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
Knights of the Round Table.
Episode 27.
"The Court Gathers. "
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Pot of tea for ten, and who wants biscuits?
(THEY CLAMOUR)
Three biscuits over there...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)