Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band perform their version of "Monster Mash".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I'm the fantastic Eric Idle.
And I'm the short David Jason.
I'm the violent Michael Palin.
I'm the round and cuddly Terry Jones.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm the tall, elegant, statuesque
Denise Coffey.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Today is, need I tell you, Boxing Day.
And it's called... "the day
after Christmas" because it is b...
the day after Christmas.
And that comes from a very old tradition
originally celebrated on...
the day after Christmas,
which we, of course, now call...
Boxing Day.
Oh, so...
Ooh!
So, we present the Codd-Ewing
Formation Boxing team.
(MUSIC: "THE CLOG DANCE")
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Well, hello there. It's recipe time.
Have you got a paper and pencil?
Good. First, chop the pencil finely.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And pop the bits into
a rolled-up newspaper.
Then soak for three hours
or longer, if you're very dirty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Then back to the saucepan,
add a soupçon of Royal Blue Permanent...
Aah...
If you want more than one helping,
I do recommend carbon paper.
But if not, simply roll the blotting paper
out to an even thickness
and serve into a hot waste-paper basket.
Eugh!
Ugh. There's a bit of food in it!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Good evening and welcome to the very first
edition of "What Do You (WHISTLE)?"
A new television quiz game
loosely based on all the old
television quiz games.
Now, the rules are very simple.
Each week, we shall ask a team of two
fairly interesting personalities
- Lord Elpus...
- Hello.
- And the Deaconess of Detroit...
- Hullo.
...a series of questions
in either (BUZZ) category
(RING) category,
or special category, (GUNSHOT).
- If they get it right, they'll get a...
- (FANFARE)
- And if they get it wrong,
they'll get a... - (FART NOISE)
At the end of the contest,
they will hear this.
- (GONG RINGS)
- And they must stop immediately.
At any point in the proceedings,
they may be given a (WHOOP)
and they can ask for another question,
or if they hear a...
(BELL RINGS)
...it's the fire alarm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
If they want to interrupt a (BUZZ)
question, or a (RING) question
but not a (GUNSHOT),
they must press their special buttons.
Lord Elpus, will you press yours?
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
And Deaconess, yours?
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
if they get it right,
they get 15 points on the scoreboard
four letters on the blackboard
for each correct part
and a shot from the crossbow
from our mystery gunner.
Like so.
In the event of a tie,
I shall start the clock.
(CLOCK TICKS)
- And there will be a choice of either a...
- (FANFARE)
- Or a...
- (FART NOISE)
...for the first of either the...
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestants, or the...
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
...who can make the golden word
"Birmingham" from his four letters.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- And he will be awarded a...
- (CROWD CHEERS)
Which will mean that
he's this week's winner.
Well, those, very simply, are the rules.
And now, we're ready to play the very first
edition of What Do You (WHISTLE)?
And the first question is a (BUZZ) for you,
Lord Elpus.
What are...
(GONG RINGS)
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's all
we've got time for this week.
But the scores are still level,
so until next week, it's goodbye from me
- Lord Elpus...
- Goodbye.
- The Deaconess of Detroit.
- Goodbye.
- And not forgetting the mystery gunner.
- (ARROW WHISTLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(PIANO PLAYS)
Hello.
A few days ago,
I got right away from this smoke and smog
and beastliness of the city,
and slipped out into the country.
It was a wonderful day,
but of course I got lost.
Normally, I wouldn't, but... l found
myself that day down on Jollity Farm.
(MUSIC: "JOLLITY FARM"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# There's a farm called Misery
but of that we'll have none #
# Because we know of one #
- # That's always lots of fun #
- # Ha ha! #
# This one's name is Jollity #
# Believe me, folks, it's great #
# For everything sings out to us
as we go through the gate #
# All the little pigs,
they grunt and howl #
# The cats meow
The dogs bow-wow #
# Everybody makes a row
Down on Jollity Farm #
# All the little pigs,
they grunt and howl #
# Grunt, howl, grunt, howl #
# The cats meow #
# Meow, meow #
# The dogs bow-wow #
# Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff #
# Everybody makes a row
Down on Jollity Farm #
# All the little birds
go tweet, tweet, tweet #
# The Iambs all bleat #
- Baaah!
- # And shake their feet #
# Everything's a perfect treat #
# Down on Jollity Farm #
# Regular as habit
The cocks begin to crow #
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
# And the old buck rabbit sings #
- # Stuff it up your jumper! #
- # Vo-do-dee-oh #
# All the little ducks go
quack, quack, quack #
(DUCK QUACKS)
# The cows all moo #
(COW MOOS)
- # The bull does too #
- (SAXOPHONE BLOWS)
# Everyone says "How do you do?" #
# Down on Jollity Farm #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Silence in cake!
Silence in cake!
Charles Henry Meredith,
you stand before this cake
accused of causing grievous bodily
marmalade to one Ida Spriggs
if not two Ida Spriggs.
How do you feed?
No gravy, Milunch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Very well.
Processed peas.
Would you read what is on the menu?
I swear to tell the loaf, the whole loaf,
and nothing but the loaf.
Are you Charles Henry Meredith
of no fixed watercress?
Where were you on the bite of the 21st?
I was out at the peaches, sir.
I suppose you mean the peaches
near your scone?
Yes, sir. Yes, I do, sir.
I believe you had just been to attend
a friend's pudding?
Yes, that's right, sir.
Was it a rice pudding?
Oh, yes, thank you, sir.
And where, may I ask,
was this pudding being held?
It was in a small fishing risotto
on the South Toast.
I see. Mr Meredith, how did you get from
the pudding to the peaches
on the day in restaurant?
Uh...
I-I used a can opener, sir.
- And where is your scone?
- It's in Wembley Pork, sir.
Ah!
And you ask us to believe that you were
able to get from a small fishing risotto
on the South Toast to a scone in
Wembley Pork in one afternoon
by can opener?
- Belch, Milunch.
- Yes?
That was a greedy question.
It seems very well cooked to me.
Belch behind your hand.
Curry on, cheese.
Thank you, Milunch.
Charles Henry Meredith,
to the best of your saucepan
have you ever caused
grievous bodily marmalade to this woman?
No, certainly hot!
Well, that's plenty for me, Milunch.
- You sure you've had enough?
- Yes, I'm quite full, thank you.
The biscuit may get down.
Gentlemen of the jury,
how do you find the cucumber?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- JURY: Rare, Milunch!
Charles Henry Meredith.
You've been found guilty of one of the most
cereal and digestive crimes
that it is possible to meringue.
I have no hesitation in sentencing you
to the severest penalty
that it is in my power to command.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Bzzzz...
Bzzzz...
Bzzz...
- Bzzz...
- (SCREECH)
- Bzzz...
- (DISTANT CRASH)
Bzzzzz...
Bzzz...
Bzzzz...
(BOING)
Bzzzz...
(HE YAWNS)
(HE SNORES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Have you had a busy Christmas?
Yes, well, I know someone
who's had an even busier one.
I mean Mother.
She's done all the shopping and the
cooking, she's washed up for you all.
No wonder she looks tired.
And now she's just got her feet up
and there's all the tea things to wash up.
So come on, fellas. Give her a rest.
Let's give her a hand.
Don't let her wash the tea things up.
(PLATES CRASH)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello again, everybody.
(PIANO PLAYS)
This is the part of the show you all know
where I sing you one of my very own...
(PIANO PLAYS)
...compositions.
And tonight, it's called "Till Love
Breaks My Heart In A Million Tiny Pieces".
Right-o, Neil. Take it away.
(PIANO PLAYS)
- (PIANO PLAYS QUICKLY)
- # Till love... #
Hang on, hang on. Hang on, Neil, hang on.
Bit fast.
Wouldn't think me and Neil have been
together for 30 years, would you?
- (FAINT LAUGHTER)
- Oh. Oh, well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Try, try, try again,
like Robert the Bruce used to say.
Great singer, he was.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Till Love Breaks My Heart
In A Million Tiny Pieces."
- (PIANO PLAYS)
- # Till love breaks my heart #
# In a million tiny pieces #
# I'll still be in love with you #
# Until that day, you'll hear me say #
# I'll still be in love with you #
Hang on. Hang on a bit, Neil. Hang on.
D'you mind if we just have a look
what this is?
Looks like a present for someone.
Just have a read of label -
might be urgent.
"To Jimmy."
That's me.
"A small token of our esteem."
"Loving you in the past
as we will in the future."
"it's not much, it's just to say thank you,
Jimmy."
"Yours..."
"All the viewers."
Oh...
Thank you. Thank you, every people.
I'm most deeply overcome.
For 30 years, I've been singing my songs
to people all over the world
to try and bring into their dark lives
a glimmer of happy sunshine.
And in all those 30 years,
I've never had such a wonderful present.
You know, I was beginning to think
my act had gone off a bit recently.
Began to think I wasn't a good singer,
that I ought to pack it in.
But what else could I do?
I'm an entertainer, my place is with you.
And you know, people...
there's nothing so wonderful
as feeling like I do now
that you're really appreciated
by the people you love.
It's a wonderful present.
The only way I know to show you my thanks
is to ask you all to join with me
in one of me real old favourites.
- (PIANO PLAYS)
- "if I Find The Girl Of Me Long Lost..."
"...Happy Dreams,
I'll Love Her Till The Day She Dies."
# If I find the girl
of my long lost happy dreams #
# I'll love her till the day she dies #
All together, now!
# I'll kiss her ruby lips #
- # And press her tender.. #
- (EXPLOSION)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Once in every lifetime,
one finds that very rare book
which will make great television.
It's called "How To Make Great Television".
And I wrote it.
But tonight,
I'm here to tell you about another book
"The Life and Adventures
of Captain Fantastic."
From next week, we bring this
astounding story to the television screen
in serial form.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, it's Captain Fantastic!
MAN 1:
it's a bird!
MAN 2:
it's a plane!
MAN 3:
it's, um... market gardener.
ANNOUNCER: See him hurtle through space
in his time machine!
See him stamp out the curse of the ants!
(EXPLOSION)
See him live squalidly in one minute flat.
Er, sorry er.. one minute flat
See him face the menace of the militaristic
Blitmen.
(SQUEAKY VOICES SING "O, CHRISTMAS TREE")
See him tackle the fantastic tumble-dryers!
(DRAMATIC STOCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
See him contact his control.
Hello, Control.
- WOMAN'S VOICE: Who did you want?
- Can I have base, please?
Certainly. Would you put
sixpence in, please?
ANNOUNCER: Yes, see Captain Fantastic
take off for adventure!
(UMBRELLA ROARS)
Oh, well, you can see all this and more
in our new weekly serial.
Er...
(HE GAGS AND COUGHS)
(HE SPLUTTERS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
("THE FIRST NOEL" PLAYS)
You know, Christmas isn't all new toys,
giving and receiving presents
and going out to the pantomime,
trying out your new bicycle
going out to the pictures
and putting up the Christmas tree lights
having a Boxing Day party with some
of your friends and playing new games
writing a "thank you" letter
with your new pen
getting a pound from your godfather
and putting up your lovely new train set
helping Father to put up the holly,
counting your Christmas cards
staying up late to watch television
and reading your wonderful new book
watching your elder sister
put on a new necklace
winding up your watch,
dressing your new doll
and playing with your new
cowboys-and-Indians set
and then trying out your new conjuring set.
It's also a time for eating yourself sick.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "BOXING DAY SONG"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# B is for a Boxing Day Surprise #
# O is for the puddings and the pies #
# X is for Xmas greeting #
# I have been overeating #
# N is for the nausea you feel #
# G, I just can't face another meal #
# D is for disillusion #
# A is for rediffusion #
- # Y #
- # I really couldn't say #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y.. #
(THEY MUTTER)
# On a boring Boxing Day #
# Mummy tries to get us #
# Writing thank you letters #
# I want a larger tummy #
# I want to count my money #
# I want to watch TV #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y, this is all you get #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
And if your dentures get stuck
in a piece of Christmas pud...
# Adjust your set #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y, this is all you get #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I'm the fantastic Eric Idle.
And I'm the short David Jason.
I'm the violent Michael Palin.
I'm the round and cuddly Terry Jones.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm the tall, elegant, statuesque
Denise Coffey.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Today is, need I tell you, Boxing Day.
And it's called... "the day
after Christmas" because it is b...
the day after Christmas.
And that comes from a very old tradition
originally celebrated on...
the day after Christmas,
which we, of course, now call...
Boxing Day.
Oh, so...
Ooh!
So, we present the Codd-Ewing
Formation Boxing team.
(MUSIC: "THE CLOG DANCE")
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Well, hello there. It's recipe time.
Have you got a paper and pencil?
Good. First, chop the pencil finely.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And pop the bits into
a rolled-up newspaper.
Then soak for three hours
or longer, if you're very dirty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Then back to the saucepan,
add a soupçon of Royal Blue Permanent...
Aah...
If you want more than one helping,
I do recommend carbon paper.
But if not, simply roll the blotting paper
out to an even thickness
and serve into a hot waste-paper basket.
Eugh!
Ugh. There's a bit of food in it!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Good evening and welcome to the very first
edition of "What Do You (WHISTLE)?"
A new television quiz game
loosely based on all the old
television quiz games.
Now, the rules are very simple.
Each week, we shall ask a team of two
fairly interesting personalities
- Lord Elpus...
- Hello.
- And the Deaconess of Detroit...
- Hullo.
...a series of questions
in either (BUZZ) category
(RING) category,
or special category, (GUNSHOT).
- If they get it right, they'll get a...
- (FANFARE)
- And if they get it wrong,
they'll get a... - (FART NOISE)
At the end of the contest,
they will hear this.
- (GONG RINGS)
- And they must stop immediately.
At any point in the proceedings,
they may be given a (WHOOP)
and they can ask for another question,
or if they hear a...
(BELL RINGS)
...it's the fire alarm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
If they want to interrupt a (BUZZ)
question, or a (RING) question
but not a (GUNSHOT),
they must press their special buttons.
Lord Elpus, will you press yours?
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
And Deaconess, yours?
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
if they get it right,
they get 15 points on the scoreboard
four letters on the blackboard
for each correct part
and a shot from the crossbow
from our mystery gunner.
Like so.
In the event of a tie,
I shall start the clock.
(CLOCK TICKS)
- And there will be a choice of either a...
- (FANFARE)
- Or a...
- (FART NOISE)
...for the first of either the...
(HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
...contestants, or the...
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
...who can make the golden word
"Birmingham" from his four letters.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- And he will be awarded a...
- (CROWD CHEERS)
Which will mean that
he's this week's winner.
Well, those, very simply, are the rules.
And now, we're ready to play the very first
edition of What Do You (WHISTLE)?
And the first question is a (BUZZ) for you,
Lord Elpus.
What are...
(GONG RINGS)
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's all
we've got time for this week.
But the scores are still level,
so until next week, it's goodbye from me
- Lord Elpus...
- Goodbye.
- The Deaconess of Detroit.
- Goodbye.
- And not forgetting the mystery gunner.
- (ARROW WHISTLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(PIANO PLAYS)
Hello.
A few days ago,
I got right away from this smoke and smog
and beastliness of the city,
and slipped out into the country.
It was a wonderful day,
but of course I got lost.
Normally, I wouldn't, but... l found
myself that day down on Jollity Farm.
(MUSIC: "JOLLITY FARM"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# There's a farm called Misery
but of that we'll have none #
# Because we know of one #
- # That's always lots of fun #
- # Ha ha! #
# This one's name is Jollity #
# Believe me, folks, it's great #
# For everything sings out to us
as we go through the gate #
# All the little pigs,
they grunt and howl #
# The cats meow
The dogs bow-wow #
# Everybody makes a row
Down on Jollity Farm #
# All the little pigs,
they grunt and howl #
# Grunt, howl, grunt, howl #
# The cats meow #
# Meow, meow #
# The dogs bow-wow #
# Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff #
# Everybody makes a row
Down on Jollity Farm #
# All the little birds
go tweet, tweet, tweet #
# The Iambs all bleat #
- Baaah!
- # And shake their feet #
# Everything's a perfect treat #
# Down on Jollity Farm #
# Regular as habit
The cocks begin to crow #
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
# And the old buck rabbit sings #
- # Stuff it up your jumper! #
- # Vo-do-dee-oh #
# All the little ducks go
quack, quack, quack #
(DUCK QUACKS)
# The cows all moo #
(COW MOOS)
- # The bull does too #
- (SAXOPHONE BLOWS)
# Everyone says "How do you do?" #
# Down on Jollity Farm #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Silence in cake!
Silence in cake!
Charles Henry Meredith,
you stand before this cake
accused of causing grievous bodily
marmalade to one Ida Spriggs
if not two Ida Spriggs.
How do you feed?
No gravy, Milunch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Very well.
Processed peas.
Would you read what is on the menu?
I swear to tell the loaf, the whole loaf,
and nothing but the loaf.
Are you Charles Henry Meredith
of no fixed watercress?
Where were you on the bite of the 21st?
I was out at the peaches, sir.
I suppose you mean the peaches
near your scone?
Yes, sir. Yes, I do, sir.
I believe you had just been to attend
a friend's pudding?
Yes, that's right, sir.
Was it a rice pudding?
Oh, yes, thank you, sir.
And where, may I ask,
was this pudding being held?
It was in a small fishing risotto
on the South Toast.
I see. Mr Meredith, how did you get from
the pudding to the peaches
on the day in restaurant?
Uh...
I-I used a can opener, sir.
- And where is your scone?
- It's in Wembley Pork, sir.
Ah!
And you ask us to believe that you were
able to get from a small fishing risotto
on the South Toast to a scone in
Wembley Pork in one afternoon
by can opener?
- Belch, Milunch.
- Yes?
That was a greedy question.
It seems very well cooked to me.
Belch behind your hand.
Curry on, cheese.
Thank you, Milunch.
Charles Henry Meredith,
to the best of your saucepan
have you ever caused
grievous bodily marmalade to this woman?
No, certainly hot!
Well, that's plenty for me, Milunch.
- You sure you've had enough?
- Yes, I'm quite full, thank you.
The biscuit may get down.
Gentlemen of the jury,
how do you find the cucumber?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- JURY: Rare, Milunch!
Charles Henry Meredith.
You've been found guilty of one of the most
cereal and digestive crimes
that it is possible to meringue.
I have no hesitation in sentencing you
to the severest penalty
that it is in my power to command.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Bzzzz...
Bzzzz...
Bzzz...
- Bzzz...
- (SCREECH)
- Bzzz...
- (DISTANT CRASH)
Bzzzzz...
Bzzz...
Bzzzz...
(BOING)
Bzzzz...
(HE YAWNS)
(HE SNORES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Have you had a busy Christmas?
Yes, well, I know someone
who's had an even busier one.
I mean Mother.
She's done all the shopping and the
cooking, she's washed up for you all.
No wonder she looks tired.
And now she's just got her feet up
and there's all the tea things to wash up.
So come on, fellas. Give her a rest.
Let's give her a hand.
Don't let her wash the tea things up.
(PLATES CRASH)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello again, everybody.
(PIANO PLAYS)
This is the part of the show you all know
where I sing you one of my very own...
(PIANO PLAYS)
...compositions.
And tonight, it's called "Till Love
Breaks My Heart In A Million Tiny Pieces".
Right-o, Neil. Take it away.
(PIANO PLAYS)
- (PIANO PLAYS QUICKLY)
- # Till love... #
Hang on, hang on. Hang on, Neil, hang on.
Bit fast.
Wouldn't think me and Neil have been
together for 30 years, would you?
- (FAINT LAUGHTER)
- Oh. Oh, well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Try, try, try again,
like Robert the Bruce used to say.
Great singer, he was.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Till Love Breaks My Heart
In A Million Tiny Pieces."
- (PIANO PLAYS)
- # Till love breaks my heart #
# In a million tiny pieces #
# I'll still be in love with you #
# Until that day, you'll hear me say #
# I'll still be in love with you #
Hang on. Hang on a bit, Neil. Hang on.
D'you mind if we just have a look
what this is?
Looks like a present for someone.
Just have a read of label -
might be urgent.
"To Jimmy."
That's me.
"A small token of our esteem."
"Loving you in the past
as we will in the future."
"it's not much, it's just to say thank you,
Jimmy."
"Yours..."
"All the viewers."
Oh...
Thank you. Thank you, every people.
I'm most deeply overcome.
For 30 years, I've been singing my songs
to people all over the world
to try and bring into their dark lives
a glimmer of happy sunshine.
And in all those 30 years,
I've never had such a wonderful present.
You know, I was beginning to think
my act had gone off a bit recently.
Began to think I wasn't a good singer,
that I ought to pack it in.
But what else could I do?
I'm an entertainer, my place is with you.
And you know, people...
there's nothing so wonderful
as feeling like I do now
that you're really appreciated
by the people you love.
It's a wonderful present.
The only way I know to show you my thanks
is to ask you all to join with me
in one of me real old favourites.
- (PIANO PLAYS)
- "if I Find The Girl Of Me Long Lost..."
"...Happy Dreams,
I'll Love Her Till The Day She Dies."
# If I find the girl
of my long lost happy dreams #
# I'll love her till the day she dies #
All together, now!
# I'll kiss her ruby lips #
- # And press her tender.. #
- (EXPLOSION)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Once in every lifetime,
one finds that very rare book
which will make great television.
It's called "How To Make Great Television".
And I wrote it.
But tonight,
I'm here to tell you about another book
"The Life and Adventures
of Captain Fantastic."
From next week, we bring this
astounding story to the television screen
in serial form.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, it's Captain Fantastic!
MAN 1:
it's a bird!
MAN 2:
it's a plane!
MAN 3:
it's, um... market gardener.
ANNOUNCER: See him hurtle through space
in his time machine!
See him stamp out the curse of the ants!
(EXPLOSION)
See him live squalidly in one minute flat.
Er, sorry er.. one minute flat
See him face the menace of the militaristic
Blitmen.
(SQUEAKY VOICES SING "O, CHRISTMAS TREE")
See him tackle the fantastic tumble-dryers!
(DRAMATIC STOCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
See him contact his control.
Hello, Control.
- WOMAN'S VOICE: Who did you want?
- Can I have base, please?
Certainly. Would you put
sixpence in, please?
ANNOUNCER: Yes, see Captain Fantastic
take off for adventure!
(UMBRELLA ROARS)
Oh, well, you can see all this and more
in our new weekly serial.
Er...
(HE GAGS AND COUGHS)
(HE SPLUTTERS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
("THE FIRST NOEL" PLAYS)
You know, Christmas isn't all new toys,
giving and receiving presents
and going out to the pantomime,
trying out your new bicycle
going out to the pictures
and putting up the Christmas tree lights
having a Boxing Day party with some
of your friends and playing new games
writing a "thank you" letter
with your new pen
getting a pound from your godfather
and putting up your lovely new train set
helping Father to put up the holly,
counting your Christmas cards
staying up late to watch television
and reading your wonderful new book
watching your elder sister
put on a new necklace
winding up your watch,
dressing your new doll
and playing with your new
cowboys-and-Indians set
and then trying out your new conjuring set.
It's also a time for eating yourself sick.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "BOXING DAY SONG"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# B is for a Boxing Day Surprise #
# O is for the puddings and the pies #
# X is for Xmas greeting #
# I have been overeating #
# N is for the nausea you feel #
# G, I just can't face another meal #
# D is for disillusion #
# A is for rediffusion #
- # Y #
- # I really couldn't say #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y.. #
(THEY MUTTER)
# On a boring Boxing Day #
# Mummy tries to get us #
# Writing thank you letters #
# I want a larger tummy #
# I want to count my money #
# I want to watch TV #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y, this is all you get #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
And if your dentures get stuck
in a piece of Christmas pud...
# Adjust your set #
# B-O-X, it's Boxing Day #
# I-N-G, it's fun all the way #
# D-A-Y, this is all you get #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
# Do not adjust your set #
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)