Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 10 - Wilderness Weekend - full transcript
Earl and his friends drag Robbie and the Baby off for a wilderness journey (camping trip) while Fran and her girlfriends stay at home to visit; but the dinosaur gender roles become reversed when the females drink beer and discover what it's like to be a guy, and the men get in touch with their softer side as they cower from a giant monster in the woods.
I don't wanna go.
- You have to go.
- It's just a stupid camping trip.
It's the great hunt.
Nobody hunts anything.
What's the point?
The point is it's a profound
and sacred tradition
where all male dinosaurs
connect with their primitive past
and celebrate
their primal savagery.
Dehydrated beef stroganoff?
Sacred dehydrated beef stroganoff.
[groans] Face it, Dad,
we're civilized now.
We gave up all that primitive
savage stuff a long time ago.
It's all just a lame excuse
for a camping trip.
It's a sacred ritual and it's even
more sacreder this year
because your father has been
selected by his tribal brethren
to play the part of the fierce
and awesome warrior chief.
- [roaring]
- Here's your sweater, chief.
I clipped on your mittens
so you won't lose them this time.
Oh, thanks. Hey, Fran,
you appreciate family traditions.
Would you please explain
to your son here
- the significance of the great hunt?
- Well, as I understand it...
It's a camping trip.
Forget all of you.
It's a sublime and beautiful experience
only a fellow male can appreciate.
Hey, road trip.
Hail, fellow warrior.
- Roar!
- Roar!
- [both] Roar, roar, roar!
- [both chuckling]
Are the other warriors
ready to head out?
Oh, just as soon as Sid gets here
with the de-humidifier.
- Oogety-boogety.
- Boo.
[both chuckle]
La, la, la. He's all yours.
Mindy invited me over for the weekend.
- I am outta here. Ha!
- Oh, Charlene,
are you sure you
wouldn't rather stay here?
Monica and Lena are coming over.
It'll be just us girls.
Gee, Mom, it sounds great,
but it might be actually too much fun
and the rest of my life would be
just a big letdown. Bye.
On my way. Oh, uh, bye, Dad.
Have a fun camping trip.
- Sacred ritual.
- [Charlene] Whatever.
Well, sweetheart, are you all
excited about your trip?
Yeah. Wanna go hunting.
Well, at least one of my sons
isn't afraid of being a male.
Oh, gimme a break.
- Got your duffel bag all packed?
- Yeah. Where's Mama's duffel bag?
- Mama's not going.
- Mama's not going?
Hey, little guy,
we're gonna have a great time.
Don't let him take me! Mama!
Earl, don't be too rough.
He's just a baby.
Now don't worry, Frannie.
He leaves here a sensitive,
carefree, uninhibited soul.
But he'll come back a male. Ahh...
Mama! Don't wanna be a male!
Don't let him take me!
Don't let him take me!
Are they gone?
Yes.
All right. I'm taking off my girdle.
[grunts] Stand back.
- Oh... no...
- [elastic snapping]
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
Yeah. Hey, I think this is
the sacred ritual spot.
Oh, yeah. It doesn't get
any more sacred than this.
- You betcha.
- [Roy] Hey, hey.
[burps] Yep, love it.
Well then, as warrior chief,
I say we begin part one
of the ancient ceremony right now.
Beer break!
- Yes!
- [all laughing]
- Where's the cooler?
- Oh, Robbie!
Uh, which part
of the ceremony is this, Dad?
The ancient rite of making
the son carry all your gear?
No.
This is the ancient rite of making
the son stay far behind the others,
so we don't have to listen
to his whining.
- [laughing]
- That's funny.
You know, guys, it doesn't
get any better than this.
Out here with my best buds in the bosom
of nature, I feel totally at home.
I'm with ya there.
Out here I feel comfortable enough
to express my true aggressive nature.
[Roy stuttering]
[stammering]
- What?
[stutters] Spi... spi... spi...
spi... spi... spi...
[both yell] Spider!
[yells] Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!!
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
- Yo, guys!
- [whimpering]
I think the ferocious
garden spider's gone now.
[chuckles] You warriors can relax.
- Close one there, Earl. Jeez.
- Yeah.
[panting] You know,
it's true what they say.
A brush with one's own
mortality changes a guy.
I feel strangely calm now,
with an... awakened deep
inner longing for life. Hmm...
- I could go for a beer too.
- Whoa!
Tall frosty boy comin'
right at ya. [chuckles]
Whoop. This isn't beer.
This is coffee!
- Huh?
- What?
International coffee.
We can't drink this.
Where's the beer?
How'd all this beer get in here?
Why ask why?
Mother?
The universe acts in mysterious
and wonderful ways, Fran.
And so do l.
Toss me a cold one.
Oh, gosh, I haven't had a beer
in a long time.
What do ya say, Fran?
Let's split one.
- Well, I suppose I could have a sip.
- Yeah.
Just to unwind.
- Lena?
- Oh, uh,
Sid doesn't like it if I drink beer.
He says it's, um, unladylike.
When Sid knows what it's like to lay
an egg twice the size of your head,
then let him tell ya
about what's ladylike.
Beer me, Fran.
- All right. Places, everyone.
- Yeah.
Now, do we have all our warriors?
- Yep.
- Ready.
Do we have our ferocious,
scary beast?
- Yeah. Can somebody zip me up?
- Sure.
And warrior Robbie, are you ready to
read from the great book of the legend?
Yeah, fine. Anything to get through
this ridiculous waste of time.
That's the spirit.
And now let the great hunt begin.
- Yeah.
- Cue.
- [soft music plays]
- [laughs]
Uh, "long ago,
when the earth was young"
and great dinosaurs roamed
the land in savage packs...
[growls and roars]
"...there lived a most fierce
and awesome warrior."
Duh, I am Earl, a most fierce
and awesome warrior.
Uh-huh, OK. Uh...
"One day this mighty warrior and his
slightly less mighty warrior friends
heard the distant pounding of drums."
Hark!
Boom, boom, boom...
Boom, boom, boom...
"This could mean but one thing:"
Headed their way was the most
vicious and merciless creature
"ever to walk the earth, the beast
with eyes of fire and teeth of stone."
Roar. Roar. Fear me
and cower in terror.
- Oh. Sheesh.
- Not yet.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, "The female dinosaurs
heard the drums too"
and as they are wont to do
in this kind of situation,
"completely lost their heads
in flighty hormonal fits of hysteria."
Oh, please.
[mimicking female]
Where is a male to rescue me?
I am helpless without a male.
[groans] "But the males were rocks
of courage and fortitude."
- They took up their pointy sticks...
- Stick for you and for you.
...and headed off into the wilderness
to face the vicious beast
with its horrible roar.”
[burps] Oh, pardon me.
[both laugh]
I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed.
Yeah. With the boys gone,
there's no one to pick up after.
- [all murmuring]
- No laundry, no diapers, no cooking.
- I could get used to this.
- Yeah.
Ah, sitting around like a lump,
doing nothing, thinking only of myself.
- It's just like being a guy.
- [all laughing]
- What else do guys do?
- They scratch themselves.
Well, I'm game.
- [gasps] Oh.
- [rumbling]
[sighs] Ahh...
That wasn't half bad. What else?
Well, they eat salted snacks
and watch TV.
- Well, all right.
- OK.
[man] What an exciting
first quarter of action:
Two teams going horn to horn
in what may be the oldest grudge match
- in professional football.
- Football, nah.
Not so fast!
Look at those uniforms.
Oh, what an appealing color pallet.
Forget the color.
Look how tight those pants are.
- [all] Ooh...
- Mm-hmm...
"After days and days in the deepest,
darkest part of the forest,"
the great hunters
knew they were close.
"They could smell the stench
of the hideous beast thick in the air."
[groaning, coughing]
Sorry, guys. Must have been
the sacred stroganoff.
Roy! Sheesh.
Well...
"Suddenly, from behind a wall of trees,
the giant gruesome beast emerged,
greeting them
with an earth-shattering roar."
Roar! Fear me and cower,
for I am vast and ferocious,
like no beast you have ever seen.
Tremble in my terrible presence.
"But the warriors were not afraid.
They bravely stood their ground."
[growling]
Roar. Hee hee.
[growling]
- [roaring]
- [whimpering, screaming]
- [yells] Whoa!
- Wait a minute!
[chuckles] A little too scary
and ferocious for you, huh?
[chuckles] Roar.
[loud roaring]
Nice costume.
- [roars]
- Ahh...
[snarling, chomping]
[roars]
- What's it doing now?
- Brace yourself, Sid.
- What?
- He's going for your gas grill.
Not the grill!
- Oh, jeez! It was so young. [sobs]
- I'm so sorry.
- [all moaning]
- Well, there it all goes.
The food, the tents, the barbecue grill,
the electric blankets.
Everything we brought
is in his stomach, and we're next.
Hey, I saved the cooler.
- Oh, well I spoke too soon.
- What?
Looks like we won't go hungry after all,
because we've got coffee
from all over the world!
Yeah, great goin', Gus.
Now we'll be wide awake
when he chews our faces off!
Hey, I didn't see you out there
fightin' for the pimento loaf.
What do you want from me?
He's the chief.
Me? Me?!
What are you talking about?
You were ahead of me!
I didn't see you taking the pointy stick
and defending me.
Ha! Huh?
Oh!
- Peek-a-boo, I see you!
- [beast snarling]
- Huh?
- [roars]
- Uh, guys... guys.
- He's trying to get in!
- He's gonna eat us!
- [roaring]
- Feed it Roy! I'll get his hind end.
- Yeah, yeah...
- Huh? No, I don't like that idea.
- Wait a minute! I've got beef jerky.
- We'll feed him this.
- Good idea, son.
Yeah.
[snarling, chomping]
- [cheers]
- He'll be chewing on that for a week.
[laughing] Great idea, son!
Yeah, that's my boy! [chuckles]
"Feed it Roy?"
[nervous murmuring]
- Well... uh...
- Hey...
[cheering]
[man on TV]..takes the kick
on the five, the ten...
- He breaks right! Up the sideline!
- Take him down!
- Go for his knees!
- Kick him where it hurts!
- He's going all the way!
- No... oh...
- Touchdown!
- Oh, no!
- You stink!
- Boo!
- [gunshot]
- Oh, no! They shot him!
And that's the first half. We'll be
back right after these messages.
Hey, there's a tractor pull
on Channel 49.
No, no, no, no, no.
Switch back to wrestling.
I wanna see the guy in the tights.
- [coughs] Yeah. Yeah!
- [cheering]
- [Ethyl] Hey, right, yeah...
- [hooting]
Baby got back! Whoa!
[all cheering]
Fatty roast beef
with lots of melted cheese.
Oh, fresh coconut squares
hot from the oven.
Gobs of cookie dough
straight out of the tube.
- Chocolate brownies.
- Stop!
I can't take it anymore.
It's been 18 hours!
If I don't get something to eat now,
I'm really gonna lose it. I swear!
[panting]
Whatcha lookin' at, Uncle Sid?
Hmm, oh, boy, fresh leg of lamb!
[growls]
- Sid! Sid, please!
- Get away from me!
- Hey!
- [Baby chattering]
We didn't come out here into
the wilderness to fight each other.
We came out here
for the great hunt, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, now's our chance.
There's a real beast out there.
I say we go hunt him down!
- Yeah.
- Together, we can do it!
All right!
Let's show that towering
mass of death who owns this jungle!
- Right!
- Yeah!
- Well...
[guys murmuring]
We were all with you, son, right up
until the "towering mass of death" part.
- Hmm, what he said.
- We really should do something.
Yeah, but we mustn't act in haste.
- Ah.
- Wait. I suggest that we have a meeting
and discuss Robbie's proposal at length.
- Ah.
- [Gus] Someone has to moderate.
Yeah, and who's gonna
take the minutes?
Oh! I will. Does anybody have a pen?
Oh, Robbie's got a pen.
- Hey, Robbie, could I...?
- [Roy] I can't write, so...
Where'd he go?
- Oh...
- Robbie?!
- Robbie?!
- [all gasp]
[roars]
Oh, my gosh!
That brave, brave boy.
Risking his life to look for a pen.
[gasps]
[exhales]
- [groaning]
- Try not to dwell on it, pally boy.
Don't think of that massive
multi-toothed monster
as he clutched your helpless son
and sucked the tender meat
off his bones.
Aw, jeez, I'm gettin' hungry again.
- [sobs] Rob?
- [Robbie] Dad!
- I'm back and I brought food!
- Huh?
Oh, my son!
It was amazing! There I was,
alone in the woods
with nothing
but my two bare hands.
Yeah, fascinating. Uh, perhaps
if we talk about it over dinner?
Wait. N-n-n-no! It was incredible.
I drew on my primitive instincts
and stalked it just like
our ancestors did.
And then,
when there was no escape,
I plunged my pointy stick
savagely into its heart,
and at that moment
I knew I was a hunter!
Do you know what that feels like?
- Duh...
- Well, uh...
I hit something driving to work once.
I think it was a cat.
Well, it was either him or me.
[sighs]
Well, good story. We're all
proud of you, son. Let's eat.
- Yeah, food.
- [all gasp]
[burps]
What's for dessert?
- [all moaning]
- What? What?
N-n-n-no, guys! Guys!
It's OK, really.
Don't you see? Look, I went out there,
I hunted and killed.
That hunter instinct
is alive in all of us.
Together, we can take on that beast!
Um, no, we can't.
Why? What's holding you back?
- Fear.
- Fatigue.
Low self-esteem.
But isn't that why
we came out here?
To rediscover the primitive
dinosaur within each of us?
Gee, I don't know, son.
We are dinosaurs and therefore there's
a primitive, brutal beast in each of us.
And yet we're also civilized
and so we've all turned
into a big bunch of wussies.
The duality of the male experience.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Robbie's just introduced
a heady concept to the group.
- Hmm, yes.
- I feel a need to explore
- this emotional dichotomy.
- Yeah.
We've got some international coffees.
Why don't I brew up a fresh pot?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, I never took a close
look and examined the real...
[snarling]
[Roy] I just feel I don't have
the emotional tools
to really connect
with the "me" I wanna be.
- I'm hearing you.
- [Baby] Yeah.
- We're connecting.
- Guys, I'd like to share.
- Ah...
- Go ahead, Earl.
[clears throat] I so much
want to be the wild beast,
to roam the forest primeval
for months at a time...
- Goon.
- ...and yet I'm torn.
I can only program my VCR
two weeks in advance.
[all] Ahh.
More mocha cream?
No thanks, Sid.
Uh, guys,
there's a monster outside.
Robbie...
Perhaps it's more important
that each of us grapple
with the monster in here.
- Good point, Gus.
- Well said, Gus.
[moaning]
You know, this is beautiful.
We're all exploring our feminine
sides here and that's OK.
Uh-huh.
It's healthy to get in touch
with those qualities
that make females the sensitive,
nurturing types they are.
- Pull my finger.
- Oh, Mother, not again.
Hey, Fran, toss me another cold one.
- Here ya go.
- [chuckles]
- Good catch.
- [gulping]
- You know, I was just thinking of Earl.
- Yeah.
How he has that way of always
saying something absolutely idiotic,
and I listen patiently, and I just
want to wring his chubby neck.
Hmm.
- I think I'm starting to miss the guy.
- [revving up]
- You know, Sid's really stupid too.
- Yeah?
As a matter of fact,
the only reason I married him
- is that he has a nice butt.
- [laughs]
I wonder what those boneheads
are doing right now.
Probably prancing around buck-naked,
slapping each other with towels,
and whooping like jungle beasts.
- [gasping]
- Well...
So what are we doin' here?
Let's go get 'em, girls!
[all] Road trip!
[all singing] & Kumbaya
J Kumbaya ;
- Nice harmony.
- Thanks.
- Oh, this is a special time.
- Yeah.
You know, I think back to when
we first came into this cave,
and I'm almost ashamed
of my behavior.
- Aww.
- Hey, none of that talk here, fella.
[loud roaring]
- [rumbling]
- [gasping]
Oh, no, the monster's back!
I'm afraid!
[all] We validate your fear!
[growling]
Yay! This is fun! [laughs]
Dad, I want you to know,
even though we're about to die,
I'm glad I came along!
I've learned a lot about myself
and what it means to be a male! Ahh!
- Ahh!
- Me too, son!
I've learned it takes a lot of courage
and strength to express your emotions.
- And I'd like to hug you, but...
- [beast roaring]
...I'm paralyzed with fear!
- [Earl whimpering]
- [erash]
[rumbling, roaring stops]
[both trembling, panting]
- [Fran] There they are!
- Huh?
- Found 'em.
- Mama!
- Frannie!
- What happened to the monster?
- Monster?
- Huh?
Oh, you mean the guy
that was in our way. Ahh.
Monica took him down with her tail.
The rest of us finished him off.
- [laughs]
- Yeah?
Mom's out there gutting him right now.
But enough about him, sugar,
you know what I want.
Fran, have you been drinking?
You bet!
I've got my beer goggles on
and you are lookin' mighty fine.
Now... now, now, now,
just hold on!
You can't just turn me on
and off like a light switch.
I'm coming from a very
vulnerable place right now.
- Take off your shirt.
- Well, excuse me,
but we are not going to be
reduced to pieces of meat.
I demand that we be recognized
for the other things we have to offer.
Mm-hmm.
- All right, Earl, I recognize you.
- Thank you.
Now, there's a huge
dead beast out there.
Why don't you take it home, clean it,
cook it, and get it on the table?
And after dinner, how 'bout you make
yourself nice and pretty for Mama?
- Let's go, Lena.
- [Lena] Right.
- [Fran] See you at home, Earl.
- [Lena] I'll wait up for you, Sid.
[clears throat]
Yeah, well, I guess she told you.
Oh, I don't know.
Something tells me
that when I get home tonight,
I might just have a headache.
Huh?
Oh.
[both chuckling]
.
- You have to go.
- It's just a stupid camping trip.
It's the great hunt.
Nobody hunts anything.
What's the point?
The point is it's a profound
and sacred tradition
where all male dinosaurs
connect with their primitive past
and celebrate
their primal savagery.
Dehydrated beef stroganoff?
Sacred dehydrated beef stroganoff.
[groans] Face it, Dad,
we're civilized now.
We gave up all that primitive
savage stuff a long time ago.
It's all just a lame excuse
for a camping trip.
It's a sacred ritual and it's even
more sacreder this year
because your father has been
selected by his tribal brethren
to play the part of the fierce
and awesome warrior chief.
- [roaring]
- Here's your sweater, chief.
I clipped on your mittens
so you won't lose them this time.
Oh, thanks. Hey, Fran,
you appreciate family traditions.
Would you please explain
to your son here
- the significance of the great hunt?
- Well, as I understand it...
It's a camping trip.
Forget all of you.
It's a sublime and beautiful experience
only a fellow male can appreciate.
Hey, road trip.
Hail, fellow warrior.
- Roar!
- Roar!
- [both] Roar, roar, roar!
- [both chuckling]
Are the other warriors
ready to head out?
Oh, just as soon as Sid gets here
with the de-humidifier.
- Oogety-boogety.
- Boo.
[both chuckle]
La, la, la. He's all yours.
Mindy invited me over for the weekend.
- I am outta here. Ha!
- Oh, Charlene,
are you sure you
wouldn't rather stay here?
Monica and Lena are coming over.
It'll be just us girls.
Gee, Mom, it sounds great,
but it might be actually too much fun
and the rest of my life would be
just a big letdown. Bye.
On my way. Oh, uh, bye, Dad.
Have a fun camping trip.
- Sacred ritual.
- [Charlene] Whatever.
Well, sweetheart, are you all
excited about your trip?
Yeah. Wanna go hunting.
Well, at least one of my sons
isn't afraid of being a male.
Oh, gimme a break.
- Got your duffel bag all packed?
- Yeah. Where's Mama's duffel bag?
- Mama's not going.
- Mama's not going?
Hey, little guy,
we're gonna have a great time.
Don't let him take me! Mama!
Earl, don't be too rough.
He's just a baby.
Now don't worry, Frannie.
He leaves here a sensitive,
carefree, uninhibited soul.
But he'll come back a male. Ahh...
Mama! Don't wanna be a male!
Don't let him take me!
Don't let him take me!
Are they gone?
Yes.
All right. I'm taking off my girdle.
[grunts] Stand back.
- Oh... no...
- [elastic snapping]
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
Yeah. Hey, I think this is
the sacred ritual spot.
Oh, yeah. It doesn't get
any more sacred than this.
- You betcha.
- [Roy] Hey, hey.
[burps] Yep, love it.
Well then, as warrior chief,
I say we begin part one
of the ancient ceremony right now.
Beer break!
- Yes!
- [all laughing]
- Where's the cooler?
- Oh, Robbie!
Uh, which part
of the ceremony is this, Dad?
The ancient rite of making
the son carry all your gear?
No.
This is the ancient rite of making
the son stay far behind the others,
so we don't have to listen
to his whining.
- [laughing]
- That's funny.
You know, guys, it doesn't
get any better than this.
Out here with my best buds in the bosom
of nature, I feel totally at home.
I'm with ya there.
Out here I feel comfortable enough
to express my true aggressive nature.
[Roy stuttering]
[stammering]
- What?
[stutters] Spi... spi... spi...
spi... spi... spi...
[both yell] Spider!
[yells] Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!!
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
- Yo, guys!
- [whimpering]
I think the ferocious
garden spider's gone now.
[chuckles] You warriors can relax.
- Close one there, Earl. Jeez.
- Yeah.
[panting] You know,
it's true what they say.
A brush with one's own
mortality changes a guy.
I feel strangely calm now,
with an... awakened deep
inner longing for life. Hmm...
- I could go for a beer too.
- Whoa!
Tall frosty boy comin'
right at ya. [chuckles]
Whoop. This isn't beer.
This is coffee!
- Huh?
- What?
International coffee.
We can't drink this.
Where's the beer?
How'd all this beer get in here?
Why ask why?
Mother?
The universe acts in mysterious
and wonderful ways, Fran.
And so do l.
Toss me a cold one.
Oh, gosh, I haven't had a beer
in a long time.
What do ya say, Fran?
Let's split one.
- Well, I suppose I could have a sip.
- Yeah.
Just to unwind.
- Lena?
- Oh, uh,
Sid doesn't like it if I drink beer.
He says it's, um, unladylike.
When Sid knows what it's like to lay
an egg twice the size of your head,
then let him tell ya
about what's ladylike.
Beer me, Fran.
- All right. Places, everyone.
- Yeah.
Now, do we have all our warriors?
- Yep.
- Ready.
Do we have our ferocious,
scary beast?
- Yeah. Can somebody zip me up?
- Sure.
And warrior Robbie, are you ready to
read from the great book of the legend?
Yeah, fine. Anything to get through
this ridiculous waste of time.
That's the spirit.
And now let the great hunt begin.
- Yeah.
- Cue.
- [soft music plays]
- [laughs]
Uh, "long ago,
when the earth was young"
and great dinosaurs roamed
the land in savage packs...
[growls and roars]
"...there lived a most fierce
and awesome warrior."
Duh, I am Earl, a most fierce
and awesome warrior.
Uh-huh, OK. Uh...
"One day this mighty warrior and his
slightly less mighty warrior friends
heard the distant pounding of drums."
Hark!
Boom, boom, boom...
Boom, boom, boom...
"This could mean but one thing:"
Headed their way was the most
vicious and merciless creature
"ever to walk the earth, the beast
with eyes of fire and teeth of stone."
Roar. Roar. Fear me
and cower in terror.
- Oh. Sheesh.
- Not yet.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, "The female dinosaurs
heard the drums too"
and as they are wont to do
in this kind of situation,
"completely lost their heads
in flighty hormonal fits of hysteria."
Oh, please.
[mimicking female]
Where is a male to rescue me?
I am helpless without a male.
[groans] "But the males were rocks
of courage and fortitude."
- They took up their pointy sticks...
- Stick for you and for you.
...and headed off into the wilderness
to face the vicious beast
with its horrible roar.”
[burps] Oh, pardon me.
[both laugh]
I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed.
Yeah. With the boys gone,
there's no one to pick up after.
- [all murmuring]
- No laundry, no diapers, no cooking.
- I could get used to this.
- Yeah.
Ah, sitting around like a lump,
doing nothing, thinking only of myself.
- It's just like being a guy.
- [all laughing]
- What else do guys do?
- They scratch themselves.
Well, I'm game.
- [gasps] Oh.
- [rumbling]
[sighs] Ahh...
That wasn't half bad. What else?
Well, they eat salted snacks
and watch TV.
- Well, all right.
- OK.
[man] What an exciting
first quarter of action:
Two teams going horn to horn
in what may be the oldest grudge match
- in professional football.
- Football, nah.
Not so fast!
Look at those uniforms.
Oh, what an appealing color pallet.
Forget the color.
Look how tight those pants are.
- [all] Ooh...
- Mm-hmm...
"After days and days in the deepest,
darkest part of the forest,"
the great hunters
knew they were close.
"They could smell the stench
of the hideous beast thick in the air."
[groaning, coughing]
Sorry, guys. Must have been
the sacred stroganoff.
Roy! Sheesh.
Well...
"Suddenly, from behind a wall of trees,
the giant gruesome beast emerged,
greeting them
with an earth-shattering roar."
Roar! Fear me and cower,
for I am vast and ferocious,
like no beast you have ever seen.
Tremble in my terrible presence.
"But the warriors were not afraid.
They bravely stood their ground."
[growling]
Roar. Hee hee.
[growling]
- [roaring]
- [whimpering, screaming]
- [yells] Whoa!
- Wait a minute!
[chuckles] A little too scary
and ferocious for you, huh?
[chuckles] Roar.
[loud roaring]
Nice costume.
- [roars]
- Ahh...
[snarling, chomping]
[roars]
- What's it doing now?
- Brace yourself, Sid.
- What?
- He's going for your gas grill.
Not the grill!
- Oh, jeez! It was so young. [sobs]
- I'm so sorry.
- [all moaning]
- Well, there it all goes.
The food, the tents, the barbecue grill,
the electric blankets.
Everything we brought
is in his stomach, and we're next.
Hey, I saved the cooler.
- Oh, well I spoke too soon.
- What?
Looks like we won't go hungry after all,
because we've got coffee
from all over the world!
Yeah, great goin', Gus.
Now we'll be wide awake
when he chews our faces off!
Hey, I didn't see you out there
fightin' for the pimento loaf.
What do you want from me?
He's the chief.
Me? Me?!
What are you talking about?
You were ahead of me!
I didn't see you taking the pointy stick
and defending me.
Ha! Huh?
Oh!
- Peek-a-boo, I see you!
- [beast snarling]
- Huh?
- [roars]
- Uh, guys... guys.
- He's trying to get in!
- He's gonna eat us!
- [roaring]
- Feed it Roy! I'll get his hind end.
- Yeah, yeah...
- Huh? No, I don't like that idea.
- Wait a minute! I've got beef jerky.
- We'll feed him this.
- Good idea, son.
Yeah.
[snarling, chomping]
- [cheers]
- He'll be chewing on that for a week.
[laughing] Great idea, son!
Yeah, that's my boy! [chuckles]
"Feed it Roy?"
[nervous murmuring]
- Well... uh...
- Hey...
[cheering]
[man on TV]..takes the kick
on the five, the ten...
- He breaks right! Up the sideline!
- Take him down!
- Go for his knees!
- Kick him where it hurts!
- He's going all the way!
- No... oh...
- Touchdown!
- Oh, no!
- You stink!
- Boo!
- [gunshot]
- Oh, no! They shot him!
And that's the first half. We'll be
back right after these messages.
Hey, there's a tractor pull
on Channel 49.
No, no, no, no, no.
Switch back to wrestling.
I wanna see the guy in the tights.
- [coughs] Yeah. Yeah!
- [cheering]
- [Ethyl] Hey, right, yeah...
- [hooting]
Baby got back! Whoa!
[all cheering]
Fatty roast beef
with lots of melted cheese.
Oh, fresh coconut squares
hot from the oven.
Gobs of cookie dough
straight out of the tube.
- Chocolate brownies.
- Stop!
I can't take it anymore.
It's been 18 hours!
If I don't get something to eat now,
I'm really gonna lose it. I swear!
[panting]
Whatcha lookin' at, Uncle Sid?
Hmm, oh, boy, fresh leg of lamb!
[growls]
- Sid! Sid, please!
- Get away from me!
- Hey!
- [Baby chattering]
We didn't come out here into
the wilderness to fight each other.
We came out here
for the great hunt, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, now's our chance.
There's a real beast out there.
I say we go hunt him down!
- Yeah.
- Together, we can do it!
All right!
Let's show that towering
mass of death who owns this jungle!
- Right!
- Yeah!
- Well...
[guys murmuring]
We were all with you, son, right up
until the "towering mass of death" part.
- Hmm, what he said.
- We really should do something.
Yeah, but we mustn't act in haste.
- Ah.
- Wait. I suggest that we have a meeting
and discuss Robbie's proposal at length.
- Ah.
- [Gus] Someone has to moderate.
Yeah, and who's gonna
take the minutes?
Oh! I will. Does anybody have a pen?
Oh, Robbie's got a pen.
- Hey, Robbie, could I...?
- [Roy] I can't write, so...
Where'd he go?
- Oh...
- Robbie?!
- Robbie?!
- [all gasp]
[roars]
Oh, my gosh!
That brave, brave boy.
Risking his life to look for a pen.
[gasps]
[exhales]
- [groaning]
- Try not to dwell on it, pally boy.
Don't think of that massive
multi-toothed monster
as he clutched your helpless son
and sucked the tender meat
off his bones.
Aw, jeez, I'm gettin' hungry again.
- [sobs] Rob?
- [Robbie] Dad!
- I'm back and I brought food!
- Huh?
Oh, my son!
It was amazing! There I was,
alone in the woods
with nothing
but my two bare hands.
Yeah, fascinating. Uh, perhaps
if we talk about it over dinner?
Wait. N-n-n-no! It was incredible.
I drew on my primitive instincts
and stalked it just like
our ancestors did.
And then,
when there was no escape,
I plunged my pointy stick
savagely into its heart,
and at that moment
I knew I was a hunter!
Do you know what that feels like?
- Duh...
- Well, uh...
I hit something driving to work once.
I think it was a cat.
Well, it was either him or me.
[sighs]
Well, good story. We're all
proud of you, son. Let's eat.
- Yeah, food.
- [all gasp]
[burps]
What's for dessert?
- [all moaning]
- What? What?
N-n-n-no, guys! Guys!
It's OK, really.
Don't you see? Look, I went out there,
I hunted and killed.
That hunter instinct
is alive in all of us.
Together, we can take on that beast!
Um, no, we can't.
Why? What's holding you back?
- Fear.
- Fatigue.
Low self-esteem.
But isn't that why
we came out here?
To rediscover the primitive
dinosaur within each of us?
Gee, I don't know, son.
We are dinosaurs and therefore there's
a primitive, brutal beast in each of us.
And yet we're also civilized
and so we've all turned
into a big bunch of wussies.
The duality of the male experience.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Robbie's just introduced
a heady concept to the group.
- Hmm, yes.
- I feel a need to explore
- this emotional dichotomy.
- Yeah.
We've got some international coffees.
Why don't I brew up a fresh pot?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, I never took a close
look and examined the real...
[snarling]
[Roy] I just feel I don't have
the emotional tools
to really connect
with the "me" I wanna be.
- I'm hearing you.
- [Baby] Yeah.
- We're connecting.
- Guys, I'd like to share.
- Ah...
- Go ahead, Earl.
[clears throat] I so much
want to be the wild beast,
to roam the forest primeval
for months at a time...
- Goon.
- ...and yet I'm torn.
I can only program my VCR
two weeks in advance.
[all] Ahh.
More mocha cream?
No thanks, Sid.
Uh, guys,
there's a monster outside.
Robbie...
Perhaps it's more important
that each of us grapple
with the monster in here.
- Good point, Gus.
- Well said, Gus.
[moaning]
You know, this is beautiful.
We're all exploring our feminine
sides here and that's OK.
Uh-huh.
It's healthy to get in touch
with those qualities
that make females the sensitive,
nurturing types they are.
- Pull my finger.
- Oh, Mother, not again.
Hey, Fran, toss me another cold one.
- Here ya go.
- [chuckles]
- Good catch.
- [gulping]
- You know, I was just thinking of Earl.
- Yeah.
How he has that way of always
saying something absolutely idiotic,
and I listen patiently, and I just
want to wring his chubby neck.
Hmm.
- I think I'm starting to miss the guy.
- [revving up]
- You know, Sid's really stupid too.
- Yeah?
As a matter of fact,
the only reason I married him
- is that he has a nice butt.
- [laughs]
I wonder what those boneheads
are doing right now.
Probably prancing around buck-naked,
slapping each other with towels,
and whooping like jungle beasts.
- [gasping]
- Well...
So what are we doin' here?
Let's go get 'em, girls!
[all] Road trip!
[all singing] & Kumbaya
J Kumbaya ;
- Nice harmony.
- Thanks.
- Oh, this is a special time.
- Yeah.
You know, I think back to when
we first came into this cave,
and I'm almost ashamed
of my behavior.
- Aww.
- Hey, none of that talk here, fella.
[loud roaring]
- [rumbling]
- [gasping]
Oh, no, the monster's back!
I'm afraid!
[all] We validate your fear!
[growling]
Yay! This is fun! [laughs]
Dad, I want you to know,
even though we're about to die,
I'm glad I came along!
I've learned a lot about myself
and what it means to be a male! Ahh!
- Ahh!
- Me too, son!
I've learned it takes a lot of courage
and strength to express your emotions.
- And I'd like to hug you, but...
- [beast roaring]
...I'm paralyzed with fear!
- [Earl whimpering]
- [erash]
[rumbling, roaring stops]
[both trembling, panting]
- [Fran] There they are!
- Huh?
- Found 'em.
- Mama!
- Frannie!
- What happened to the monster?
- Monster?
- Huh?
Oh, you mean the guy
that was in our way. Ahh.
Monica took him down with her tail.
The rest of us finished him off.
- [laughs]
- Yeah?
Mom's out there gutting him right now.
But enough about him, sugar,
you know what I want.
Fran, have you been drinking?
You bet!
I've got my beer goggles on
and you are lookin' mighty fine.
Now... now, now, now,
just hold on!
You can't just turn me on
and off like a light switch.
I'm coming from a very
vulnerable place right now.
- Take off your shirt.
- Well, excuse me,
but we are not going to be
reduced to pieces of meat.
I demand that we be recognized
for the other things we have to offer.
Mm-hmm.
- All right, Earl, I recognize you.
- Thank you.
Now, there's a huge
dead beast out there.
Why don't you take it home, clean it,
cook it, and get it on the table?
And after dinner, how 'bout you make
yourself nice and pretty for Mama?
- Let's go, Lena.
- [Lena] Right.
- [Fran] See you at home, Earl.
- [Lena] I'll wait up for you, Sid.
[clears throat]
Yeah, well, I guess she told you.
Oh, I don't know.
Something tells me
that when I get home tonight,
I might just have a headache.
Huh?
Oh.
[both chuckling]
.