Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 15 - Company Picnic - full transcript

I'm sure you all remember

the disaster at
last year's picnic

when our wieners
turned out to be defective.

I almost lost an eye.

But the buns were excellent.

Yes, they were.

But, this year, we
can't rest on our buns,

no matter how plump and
delicious they might be.

You will not make this

a hostile work environment.

Good Lord, man,



why don't you just rub
steak sauce on my body

and drag me from the
back of a fishing boat?

Does anyone know what
Wally's talking about?

Well, I'm no expert
on psychopaths,

but I'd say he's
afraid of the annual

marketing-versus-engineering
softball game.

It's that time of year

when we sporty
people in marketing

give you engineers your
annual lesson in humility.

Are you actually
proud of the fact

that you spent your youth
guzzling beer and playing sports

just so you could excel
at the picnicking arts?

I don't think I'm telling
tales out of school...

And by "school" I mean our
fine local community colleges...



When I say abso-positively.

That means "yes."

While you were learning

to crush beer cans
on your foreheads,

we future engineers
were developing our minds.

Uh, I'm not following you.

Me neither.

Something about beer.

Forget it.

I think it's safe to say

that the Marketgurus

will clean the field
with you losers

for the 10th year in a row.

Not this year, my friend.

The Crapulets rule.

Can we get a new
name for our team?

I hate being a Crapulet.

You got any better ideas?

No.

That's settled. Now, let's make
some wiener-related decisions.

Do we want chicken or beef?

Both very expensive and
allowing no budget for beer.

Or a new, low-cost
alternative that I own stock in

called "Zoo-No-More."

I like that last one.

Good choice.

Now, how do we want them cooked?

I apologize for my tardiness,

but there was a fire in
one of the research labs.

Would someone
please extinguish me?

What is it with
you young interns?

It's always "me, me, me."

How about being a team
player just once in your life?

Sit down, Asok, we
have important work here.

May I roll around
on the carpet first?

Yes, but it counts
as vacation time.

I am only an intern.

I have so few vacation days.

I guess it doesn't
hurt that much.

Can we get this over with?

That aroma of burning
flesh is making me hungry.

Me too.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Hold on.

Am I the only one

who isn't crazy about hot dogs

made from old zebra meat?

Don't forget about
that silky, shiny,

mouthwatering zebra coat.

Guess so.

[EXPLOSION]

[♪♪♪]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Vern Wegman.

He was captain of the
only engineering team

that ever beat
marketing at softball.

How is that even possible?

It was the year they used

an electronic scoreboard.

Vern rigged it.

They won by the
score of 162 to 159,

despite the fact

no engineer ever got on base.

Hey, you're letting the cold in.

You're alive.

I retired.

I didn't die, you nitwit.

Read the little sign.

"Vern Wegman.

"Left the company in 1982

"and is now employed
as his own bust

several inches from this sign."

Why would you agree to do this?

Apparently,

you haven't looked at your
pension plan too closely.

I made the same
mistake at your age.

Now I'm getting
paid $2.00 an hour

and I'm glad to have it.

Tell us about the day
you beat marketing.

Press this button.

Never mind. I got it.

NARRATOR: It started as
just another softball game

between marketing
and engineering.

In the later innings,
as was their custom,

the marketing team was
ricocheting their home runs

off the heads of
the opposing team.

In times like these,
sometimes heroes are born.

Vern Wegman...

was just such a hero.

I get goose bumps
during this part.

Vern rigged the
electronic scoreboard

so he could control it remotely.

He was an unscrupulous,
uncoordinated, cheating weasel.

In a word, he was a hero.

Didn't you feel guilty cheating?

You know how you still
have a shred of self-respect?

Yes. You'll get over it.

I don't think I will.

You'd better.

I know you're all afraid

of being humiliated

by the marketing-department
softball team.

But, remember, you
have a secret weapon.

What is it?

You have me as
your player-coach.

We'll start with
some infield practice.

Ball one!

What's he doing?

I think he's going for the walk.

Way to go!

[COUGHING]

I think we need a
new player-coach,

preferably someone
who isn't a total Wally.

What exactly do
you mean by that?

We use your name
as a pejorative now.

You do? Yeah, you know, as in:

"He's a total Wally,"

or, "I've got to take a Wally."

That sort of thing.

Hmm... It's catchy.

I think I know the perfect
player-coach for us.

So, what do you think, coach?

I think I have my
work cut out for me.

Listen up. We'll
start with the basics.

Hitting a baseball

is the most difficult
thing in all of sports.

But, getting hit by a
pitch is the easiest.

In this drill, you'll learn how
to stand directly on the plate.

Ooh!

Good.

Next time, try running
toward the pitcher in anger.

It's much more convincing.

This is slow-pitch softball.

I'm pretty sure you
don't get on base

if you get hit by a pitch.

Let's hope the other team
doesn't know that rule.

Ooh!

Ice.

You've got to stay hydrated,
and by "you," I mean "me."

I've assessed your abilities

and assigned positions.

Wally, you're second base.

I don't know how
to play second base.

It's easy.

Just wear white canvas clothing

and lie on the ground
for nine innings.

I can do that.

Asok, there's some confusion

over whether you're
right-handed or left-handed.

Uhh...

Throw me the ball
with your right hand.

[GRUNTS]

Now the left hand.

[GRUNTS]

None of the above.

I'm putting you on first base.

My catching talent

isn't anything to e-mail
home about either.

Well, just stand there

with your arms slightly
away from your side.

We might just get lucky
and wedge one in there.

Very good.

Alice, we're a
little shorthanded,

so you're playing
catcher and center fielder

at the same time.

It's always the woman who
has to work twice as hard.

Pointy-haired boss,
you're on the hot corner.

[YELLS]

Dilbert, you'll be pitching.

Okay, good pitching
always beats good hitting.

Although I realize
it's meaningless

unless the term "good"
is defined in both cases.

And, even then, it's
only a matter of likelihood

not a sure thing.

In fact, I don't even
know why I said it.

Can crappy pitching
beat good hitting too?

I don't think so.

Oh.

Ah, Dilbert, our star pitcher.

Did I mention that your career

depends on us winning

the softball game
against marketing?

Why are you putting
all the pressure on me?

I'm just one player.

You're the pitcher.

Good pitching always...
always beats good hitting.

You said so yourself.

But it's not accurate.

It's just something people say.

Well, they couldn't
say it if it wasn't true.

Yes, they could.

You lie to us every day.

Oh, that's not lying,
that's managing.

Studies have shown
there's a big difference.

What studies?

You know, studies.

Various ones.

You're managing me
right now, aren't you?

See? Wally understands.

Ooh.

This is disgusting.

Can't you at least
pretend not to look?

That's like holding in a sneeze.

You could crack a rib.

She must be new in engineering.

That's impossible.

There are no attractive
women in engineering.

What are you talking
about? Look at me.

I can no longer see your
physical beauty, Alice.

It's overwhelmed by... uh...

your professional competence.

Oh... I guess that's all right.

Hi. I'm from marketing.

I hope you don't mind
me drinking the coffee

in the engineering break room.

You mind us looking at
you? No. Help yourself.

Walk's as good as a hit.

I mind.

That gets charged
against your cost center.

My name is Juliet.

What's yours?

My what?

Your name.

I'm... I'm Dilbert,
and this is...

I forget.

And this is...

It doesn't matter.

I'm just fine.

And you?

I'm mortified.

Well, that's an unusual name...

for an unusual woman.

It's not my name, but thank you.

Now I'm all confused.

I guess I'll see you
at the company picnic.

[♪♪♪]

I guess you will.

It was very nice to
meet you, Dilbert.

Forget her, Dilbert.

It'll never work.

What do you mean, "Dilbert"?

She was flirting with me.

You think it can't work

because she's in marketing.

That's only the half of it.

She's going to see
you play softball.

You're right.

Not only will she see how
uncoordinated you are,

but she will also
see you in shorts.

This isn't good.

I'd love to chat,

but I have to go down

to the wiener district

to buy some meat for the picnic.

There's a wiener district?

Too rich for my blood.

No... too expensive.

This one looks about right.

MAN: Psst!

Hey, buddy...

only suckers pay retail.

I don't want to be a sucker.

Best prices, best selection
in all of wiener town.

How do I know they're good?

Can I borrow your pen?

If they weren't
good, would I do this?

[SLURPING]

[GROANING]

Ooh...

[CHUCKLES]

DILBERT: Are you sure this is
what athletes are wearing now?

You said you didn't
want your legs to show.

I'm just trying to help.

It's important, because
Juliet will be seeing me

outside the office
for the first time.

Sounds like you have a
zone-of-competence problem.

A what?

Women are only impressed

by men who excel at
whatever they're doing.

It's an evolution thing.

In your case, that
means engineering.

If she sees you
outside of engineering,

you'll look like a
wounded gazelle

who needs to be
thinned from the herd.

Man, I wish we were
debugging source code instead.

At least you look
great... Thanks to me.

You're positive this is what
everyone is wearing for workouts?

The stores are full of them.

[♪♪♪]

This might actually be fun.

I know I'm planning to enjoy it.

Hey.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

Is it my imagination

or are people staring at me?

You're wearing
new sneakers, right?

Yes.

Yeah, that's probably why.

Yes!

I get to break the news.

Hey, guys. Ready
for the big game?

Wally has something to tell you.

Wait.

I must capture this moment.

It is my duty...
Nay, my privilege...

Nay, just a guilty
pleasure... To inform you

that you are wearing
women's clothing.

What?

The outfit, the getup...

It's a woman's exercise outfit.

[LAUGHING]

Looks like a girl!

We should call him "Girlbert."

Can I take one more, for safety?

I thought you said everyone
was wearing these clothes.

I meant... everyone
who's a woman.

I might have left that part out.

Gosh!

Now what am I going to do?

I can't take the
field looking like this.

Calm down.

I have a spare set of
shorts in my picnic basket.

You can wear those
over your thong.

I'll never be able
to run in these.

Just tighten the belt
and tie the legs tight.

You'll be fine.

[HUMMING]

Hi, Juliet.

Remember me?

We shared a coffee stirrer.

I brought it with me in
case you need it again.

Um...

Thank you.

That was, um... sweet.

It was weird, is what it was.

She's not your
type, Shakespeare.

Just move along.

There's no law that says

engineers can't date
women from marketing.

It's more complicated
than that, Dilbert.

I'm a Marketguru.

You're a Crapulet.

Our work groups
would never understand.

But we can get past that.

Juliet, I have you playing 2B.

"2B"?

That means "second base."

Stay away from her.

You've been warned.

I'll be playing 2B.

If you make it that
far, we can talk there.

Second base?

No engineer has
ever gotten that far.

Softball is outside my
zone of competence.

You have to... for us.

"For us."

I'll make it.

MAN: Juliet!

I have to go.

2B or not 2B...

That is the question.

I didn't have time to buy buns,

but I think you'll
find this just as good.

Throw me one of those.
Hey, give me a hot dog.

Bring on the organ meats, Pops.

Settle down.

We've got enough for
everyone. MEN: Me! Me!

I'll see you on second base.

I'll count the minutes.

That is it, you
stinking Crapulet!

En garde!

Dilbert!

That would've
looked so impressive.

Nice try, though.

Dilbert!

Let that be a lesson
to you, Crapulet.

Never try to date a Marketguru.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

The key to this game is

to demoralize
them from the start.

Center field!

I got it!

[CHEERING]

They're not as
demoralized as I had hoped.

Dilbert, you're leadoff.

According to my research,
the leadoff batter should be

the player most
likely to get on base.

Exactly.

Huh?

Uh-oh.

You hit the batter.
He gets first base.

I hit his pants, not him.

Pants are part of the player.

Oh, man.

Yay!

I will be with you
soon, my love.

Give Dilbert the
signal to steal second.

Dilbert!

Steal second!

I meant the hand signal.

Oh!

[WHISPERING LOUDLY]:
You... run... second base!

I hope they don't
steal our signals.

Soon, we will be together.

[GROANING]

What's wrong with...?

[GROANING]

Dilbert,

this is your chance.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

That's our Dilbert!

I wonder if it was
something they ate.

[RETCHING]

Probably the...

potato salad.

Juliet...

You're okay.

It must've been the hot dogs.

I think they were bad.

I'm so glad.

You're the only
person in marketing

who didn't eat them.

Oh, I wish that were true.

[GROANING]

No!

We'll take her to the
hospital with the others

and pump her stomach.

But when she gets
reunited with the others,

they'll keep us apart.

I can't let that happen.

I won't.

There's nothing you
can do about it, Romeo.

We'll see about that.

Hey! Oh, no.

Look, I've got
food poisoning too.

You have to take me to the
hospital and pump my stomach.

We'd like to share an ambulance.

Well, I guess that
would be okay.

I can't believe you
fell for that joke.

I didn't eat the hot dogs.

I was just kidding
around with you.

[GROANS]

You even have a sense of humor.

I love you more than ever.

[GROANS]

Wow... You really
ate a poisoned hot dog

just to be with me.

That is so sweet.

Incredibly stupid, but sweet.

[GROANS]

Really stupid.

The stupidity far
outweighs the sweetness.

[GROANS]

But the craziest part about this

is that it was still the
best date I ever had.

[GROANS]

[SIREN WAILING]

[GRUNTS]

That only took 15 minutes.

They're very good.

The whole thing was only 19.95.

You didn't take any
of the extras, did you?

That's how they get you.

I was very thirsty.

Uh-oh.

You know, they don't have
water fountains in that place.

They sold me a glass
of ginger ale for $3,000,

but it was worth it.

I really miss Juliet.

I think she really liked me.

"Like" is a strong word.

It's possible.

You like me.

You fill a special
place in my life.

In your heart?

DOGBERT: On the couch.

Your head blocks
the light from the lamp

so it doesn't get in my eyes.

[♪♪♪]