Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Fact - full transcript
Dogbert writes a book entitled "Chronic Cubicle Syndrome". The boss see the best-seller as a chance to come up with a new product.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
What are you doing?
I'm posting false
information on the Web.
Why?
It's fun.
Someone picks up a
strand of false information,
spreads it around,
and before you know
it, a panic is created.
Then you just sit back
and watch the chaos.
And figure out a way
to exploit it, no doubt.
You say that as
if it's a bad thing.
I don't think that is what
the World Wide Web
was created for.
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Do you have any
idea how difficult it was
to spread rumors before?
Mailings, cold calling.
Sometimes, I had
to go door-to-door.
It was a real pain.
Thanks to the new technology,
my productivity has increased.
Just in the last
couple of years,
I've been able to create fear
about cell phones, power
lines, and organ theft rings.
You must be very proud.
It's fulfilling.
Well, the last thing I
want to do right now
is sit in front of a
computer screen.
My neck is all stiff,
and I'm blurry-eyed
from sitting all day
in my cubicle staring at one.
Hmm, you don't say.
What are you doing now?
Do you ever feel
anxious, tired or depressed
in your cubicle?
I've never felt any other way.
Cha-ching.
Symptoms include blurred
vision, muscle joint pain,
anxiety, fatigue, depression.
The conclusion is inescapable.
Symptoms of what?
What conclusion?
An epidemic of chronic
cubicle syndrome.
Did you say "chronic
cubicle syndrome"?
Hearing loss...
You just made that up.
Correction: I have discovered
a heretofore
undiagnosed condition.
There is no such thing as
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Initially, victims
exhibit denial.
But you have no proof.
Oh, I have something
much better than proof.
Anecdotal evidence.
Who do you think
would be dumb enough
to believe anecdotal evidence?
Oh, I've narrowed
my target market to...
people.
I have news for you.
We people are
smarter than we look.
How hard would that be, really?
Personally, I require
scientific evidence
before I believe anything.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you only think you do.
But in fact, you rely
on media reports
that scientific evidence exists.
You don't actually see
the evidence yourself.
I don't have time to read
all the scientific
studies myself.
Oh, so you're not gullible,
you're just busy.
That's right.
So when I tell people
they have chronic
cubicle syndrome,
they won't be gullible,
they'll be busy, just like you.
You're being ridiculous.
Other symptoms
include poor perception...
I do not have poor perception.
Irritability...
Stop that! Stop it right now!
Bouts of irrational shouting...
Are you trying to make me crazy?
Paranoia.
Now what?
Now my ghostwriter will
put the finishing touches
on the book.
You've been writing a book
while we've been talking?
I know how that sounds,
and you'd be right.
Ratbert.
How may I be of service
to you higher life-forms?
You can't publish a book
about an unproven
medical condition.
Apparently, you haven't
been to the book store lately.
Proofread, publish, distribute.
Roger.
We're very fortunate to
live in the time of Dogbert.
This isn't happening.
Add delusions to
the symptoms list.
You got it.
[EXPLOSION]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[♪♪♪]
We're talking with
best-selling author
of Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
Dogbert. Dogbert, welcome.
Could you repeat
the name of the book?
Uh, sure.
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
How about you, honey?
This is an equal
opportunity condition.
Okay...
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
Now, Mr. Dogbert, tell us,
what exactly is chronic
cubicle syndrome?
Oh, I can't divulge
that information.
You'll have to buy the book.
What's it called again?
Nice try.
I can tell you
that millions of people suffer
from chronic cubicle syndrome.
It's a worldwide epidemic.
How would one know if one had
chronic cubicle syndrome?
[SIGHS]
If you think you've
got it, you've got it.
Is there any scientific
evidence to support your claim?
The best kind.
It's called anecdotal.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
This is preposterous.
I'm a scientist,
and I tell you all that
anecdotal evidence is worthless.
Talk to the hand.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You certainly made
him look like a boob.
We get all kinds.
I think we all know
from past experience
that the scientific and
medical community
will try to suppress
this information,
hiding behind red tape
and double-blind studies
until it's too late.
How many people
have to die, sir?
Yeah, how many?
It says in your bio
that you're a doctor,
but our producer checked
with the medical boards
and we find no record of you.
How do you explain that?
Talk to the hand.
[LAUGHING]
There you have it.
Our next market opportunity:
Chronic cubicle syndrome.
I hate to break it to you,
but there's no such thing
as chronic cubicle syndrome.
I've heard of it!
You've heard of it
because it was just on TV.
So?
I think I have chronic
cubicle syndrome.
Does it make your butt wider?
I'm losing muscle tone.
I wondered what
was causing that.
Sometimes, I feel like I am
surrounded by nincompoops.
I believe that is a
symptom of CCS.
Wally, what's it say?
If this is a ventriloquism
act, it's better with a dummy.
I mean the tape measure.
Calm down.
There is no such thing as
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Dilbert, I value your input.
Now, who wants
to develop a product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
First of all, we're not a
pharmaceutical company.
Second, we're
engineers, not biochemists.
Dilbert, I value your input.
Now, who wants to help
Dilbert develop a product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
Hands?
You know, the facts are
completely against us here.
All right, hang on here.
You know, in our
mad rush to cash in
on this horrible condition
before the competition
and before
the class-action
suits get filed,
are we perhaps getting
ahead of ourselves?
What is our "moral"
responsibility?
Yes! That is exactly
what I'm saying.
Perhaps we need
further research.
Yes!
Perhaps further study.
Yes!
Well, who's got time
for that, you prig?
No. We need to create
some favorable facts first.
Now...
Favorable facts?
Yes, favorable facts.
The other kind are worthless.
Now, let's see, let's see...
We could flip a coin.
Too risky.
We could test humans!
That's always fun!
What about monkeys?
Or rabbits? Or puppies?
We've had some success
hurting them in the
past, haven't we?
Dilbert could do
some tests on mice.
Mice are full of
favorable facts.
Very good. Mice it is.
This is ridiculous
But at least that's
vaguely scientific.
I'll need a budget
to get some mice.
Say what?
We're not paying for mice.
Good God, man, the
streets are full of them.
It looks so real.
Wally, did you bring the cheese?
Yes, it's delicious.
And now the mouse.
Technically, I'm
a rat, not a mouse.
I know, but you're all we
could afford on our budget.
That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
No signs of chronic
cubicle syndrome yet.
He looks listless and bored.
That doesn't mean anything.
My co-workers are idiots!
Idiots, I say!
Only I and I alone
know all the answers.
You can't tell me that's not
chronic cubicle syndrome.
We haven't established
causation yet.
I'm wasting my life in here!
There's no career path.
I want stock options.
I think my boss hates me
because of the way he
looks at me in the meetings.
Why do the objectives
keep changing?
I am so customer-focused.
You are not customer-focused.
Let's just say further
study is needed.
We're in!
Start pouring the champagne.
♪ Happy days are here again ♪♪
Wait, wait, with just one rat,
we don't think any
conclusions can be drawn.
Oh, we'll draw
conclusions, all right.
You can be sure of that.
Take this to the boys
in the statistical
distortion department.
They'll fix the data for you.
Tell them Ike sent you.
Your name's not Ike.
I didn't say it was.
I need you
to distort some
statistics from rat tests,
although I don't
agree with doing it.
I've just lost my will
to fight it anymore.
I don't need the life story.
Let's see... one rat, one test.
I can make these
numbers prove that...
immortality is possible...
or that drinking hard liquor
improves your love life.
Any of those ring your bell?
No. My boss wants this
test to prove the existence
of something called
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Chronic cubicle syndrome?
Everyone knows it exists.
Haven't you read the book?
Have you?
You don't have to
actually read it if you buy it.
It's an implied covenant.
The book offers
absolutely no proof.
Well, that's not my only source.
I'm a serious-minded person.
I also heard about it on TV.
That's only because of the book.
All right, let's see...
we've got the TV,
the anecdotal evidence,
the book, and now your study.
Congratulations. Nice work.
DILBERT: Well, I
hope you're happy.
Chronic cubicle syndrome
is now an official condition.
It's sweeping the nation.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome is real.
It's all in the book.
Buy a copy for a friend.
The end.
What are you doing?
Just recording the
audio version of my book.
That was it?
It's abridged.
Abridged? It's three sentences.
All right, very abridged.
I've been very busy
penning the follow-up:
The Dogbert Chronic
Cubicle Syndrome Cure Diet.
And what might that be?
I'll give you a hint.
It involves food.
What's going on here?
I'm shooting my infomercial.
Infomercial? For what?
Dogbert's secret juice formula.
Many experts believe
that the symptoms
of chronic cubicle syndrome
can be significantly reduced
by drinking 14 to 28 glasses
of my special secret
juice formula each day.
[SNIFFING]
That smells like alcohol.
Well, I'm not at liberty
to reveal the ingredients.
It's an info no-no.
But of course, if
people get drunk,
they're not going
to feel the effects
of chronic cubicle syndrome,
whatever it is.
That's not bad.
Would you mind
doing a testimonial?
Yes, I would mind.
Did you get that?
And since I started drinking
Dogbert's secret juice formula,
to combat the effects of
chronic cubicle syndrome,
I'm a changed man.
Hey, what the...?
How did he do that?
It's all computer-generated.
You're very telegenic.
And, by the way, it works.
Get Dogbert's secret
juice formula today.
Since when do you exercise?
It's not exercise.
It's dorkercise.
I've never felt more alive.
I've never heard of dorkercise.
It's all in the Dogbert
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome
30 Days To A Smaller-Butted
You workout video.
Apparently, if you eat less
and exercise two hours a day,
you can lose the weight
caused by chronic
cubicle syndrome.
If you exercise two
hours a day and eat less,
you'll lose weight
without the video.
No. This gets the cellulite too.
It's completely different.
Read the book.
And sometimes,
when I stay up late,
I'm tired the next day.
That could be serious.
What else?
When I don't eat,
I feel an emptiness
in my stomach.
That's because your
spine is out of alignment.
It's chronic cubicle syndrome.
I was afraid of that.
You'll need one treatment a week
until my boat is paid for.
I hope it is not a big boat.
Lie on your stomach.
Now I'm going to straighten
your spine until you cry.
May I request anesthetics?
I don't believe in those.
Besides, you'll pass
out from the pain
in a few minutes anyway.
Ow... Ow... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[BONES CRACKING, SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
Dilbert!
Dilbert!
Oh, there you are.
Now you look for me.
No. Never mind that.
Why were you playing games
when you were supposed
to be coming up
with a boffo product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
I'll tell you why.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome doesn't exist.
That's the holdup.
How am I supposed
to engineer a product
for an imaginary condition?
Poor Dilbert.
You know, Dilbert, I've
been around a long time,
too long to count.
One, two... aw, whatever.
See? I told you.
I've seen many
people... Good people...
Felled by this dreaded disease.
It's up to you, my boy.
Gosh, I don't know.
I'm all confused.
That's the spirit.
Don't do it for me.
Do it for yourself.
And, if you don't
do it for yourself,
at least do it,
because you'll be
fired if you don't.
I call them Shockpants.
They deliver a severe
electric shock to the wearer
any time his posture gets bad.
And that will cure
chronic cubicle syndrome?
Well, if chronic cubicle
syndrome existed,
it would probably
have something to do
with your posture.
We need to test this on someone.
What did I miss?
Can I help with anything?
And this will help
me with my posture?
[SCREAMS]
That straightened him out.
Let's take this
puppy to Marketing
and get it in stores.
We couldn't wait for
Asok to get bad posture,
so I asked Dilbert to
make this remote control
to speed up the demonstration.
[SCREAMS]
I love it!
It's a device for
shocking interns.
We can sell a billion of these.
Actually, it's a cure for
chronic cubicle syndrome,
which doesn't exist,
but we've managed
to get past that.
We don't want to sell
cures for diseases.
That's too much of a downer.
We'll be painted
with the same brush
as that Jonas Salk guy.
Okay by me.
Let's forget the whole thing.
You're not thinking
like marketing people.
Let's use our imaginations.
Our what?
You mean, let's
use our imaginations.
Isn't that what I just said?
Hmm. I guess it is.
You know, those
yellow sticky notes
were invented by accident.
So was the space shuttle.
Exactly!
How can we turn
this huge mistake
by an engineer
into a victory by marketing?
I've got it!
We'll market them as a line
of casual wear for business.
It worked with Dockers.
It can work for "Shockers."
I'd like to go on record...
Uh... ooh... um...
Don't make your
mistake any worse.
We're just lucky
these marketing people were here
to pull our fat out of the fire.
May I see that for a moment?
[♪♪♪]
[BUZZING, SCREAMING]
TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,
even as claims of
chronic cubicle syndrome
continue to rise,
as every drone with the sniffles
is convinced he has it,
the sales of
Shockpants are soaring,
thanks to new
corporate dress codes
that make them mandatory.
You might say workers
are dressed for "shockcess."
[SCREAMS]
I get it, I get it. No
more making up words.
The success of Shockpants
comes despite widespread reports
of seared flesh and
spontaneous human combustion.
If you ask me, it's
all rather "shocking."
[SCREAMS]
And now for an editorial from
our station general manager.
Besieged by
pseudoscience once again,
we now find ourselves
in the grips of yet
another bogus claim
designed to strike fear
in hardworking people
even as it fleeces their
meager savings accounts.
Chronic cubicle...
[SCREAMS]
This is crazy.
People are tired,
weary, bored, and depressed
after a hard day's work
day in, day out,
year after year,
in endless dead-end job
after endless dead-end job
with no future and no hope.
That's natural.
It's completely
appropriate to feel that way.
How else should you feel?
If you felt good after that
soul-crunching experience,
that would be sick.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome is just life!
You should have thought of that
before your rip-off cure
started killing so many people.
It was marketing's idea
to turn up the voltage
on the new models.
I argued against it.
So it's not your fault.
No one could think it was.
BOSS: It's Dilbert's fault!
I tried to stop him.
I thank the man upstairs
that we live in a country
where the corporations
can reap the profits
from a death machine
and, through the use of
loopholes and disclaimers,
not be liable when the
lawsuits start flooding in.
Well, then who is liable?
Well, you are.
Me?
You invented the blasted thing.
Then why haven't I
earned any royalties?
Because you don't
own the patent.
Well, then, how can I be liable?
Well, you see,
Dilbert, technically,
in this instance, you're
an independent contractor.
I am?
Read the fine print.
"In the event that profits
are realized by said invention,
"the independent contractor
is defined as 'the sucker.'
"In the event that anything
goes wrong with said invention,
the independent contractor
is defined as 'the scapegoat.'"
Is there anything
you'd like to say
before we hang you out to dry?
Can I make a phone call?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
I'm so nervous to meet you
in person, Mr. Dogbert.
I'm your biggest fan.
May I have some eye contact?
I've waited two hours.
Please, just one eye.
The only way to
escape from a bad idea
is with an even worse idea.
You're welcome.
Using the same studies and data,
we could announce that
chronic cubicle syndrome
never really existed.
It was a statistical aberration.
Then, if I could come up
with an even better
market for Shockpants,
would you let me off the hook?
Would they still kill people?
Because I got to tell you,
I never laughed so hard.
We can turn the voltage down,
and then we can market them
to a different group.
It's all about marketing.
He's correct.
Isn't everything?
This is beautiful.
You have one at
home just like it.
[SCREAMS]
Who will tell me
who was the first president
of the United States?
Your mother?
[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
I'm happy to report that
sales of the Shockpants
are once again zooming.
I guess we all know
who gets the credit.
Don't tell me.
It's the guys in Marketing.
No, but good guess.
Is it you?
As much as I deserve it, no.
The credit goes to
my boss's boss's boss
who none of us have
ever met and never will.
Credit travels up,
blame travels down.
It's like drinking
beer from a straw,
if you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
Me neither. It's
something I once heard.
Although I have
been completely hosed
on the profits of my invention,
at least we can finally agree
that chronic cubicle syndrome
doesn't exist and never did.
Are you nuts?
Just look at the
size of my butt.
The Dogbert exercise
program really works.
And look at this muscle tone
since I started
drinking that juice.
I'm not loud anymore!
It'll take 24 sessions, minimum.
Can you give me all
24 today? I'm in a hurry.
Well, I do want to put
an addition on my house.
BOSS: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[CRYING]
He's stronger than he looks.
Hi. How are you?
What are you staring at?
What are you doing?
I'm posting false
information on the Web.
Why?
It's fun.
Someone picks up a
strand of false information,
spreads it around,
and before you know
it, a panic is created.
Then you just sit back
and watch the chaos.
And figure out a way
to exploit it, no doubt.
You say that as
if it's a bad thing.
I don't think that is what
the World Wide Web
was created for.
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Do you have any
idea how difficult it was
to spread rumors before?
Mailings, cold calling.
Sometimes, I had
to go door-to-door.
It was a real pain.
Thanks to the new technology,
my productivity has increased.
Just in the last
couple of years,
I've been able to create fear
about cell phones, power
lines, and organ theft rings.
You must be very proud.
It's fulfilling.
Well, the last thing I
want to do right now
is sit in front of a
computer screen.
My neck is all stiff,
and I'm blurry-eyed
from sitting all day
in my cubicle staring at one.
Hmm, you don't say.
What are you doing now?
Do you ever feel
anxious, tired or depressed
in your cubicle?
I've never felt any other way.
Cha-ching.
Symptoms include blurred
vision, muscle joint pain,
anxiety, fatigue, depression.
The conclusion is inescapable.
Symptoms of what?
What conclusion?
An epidemic of chronic
cubicle syndrome.
Did you say "chronic
cubicle syndrome"?
Hearing loss...
You just made that up.
Correction: I have discovered
a heretofore
undiagnosed condition.
There is no such thing as
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Initially, victims
exhibit denial.
But you have no proof.
Oh, I have something
much better than proof.
Anecdotal evidence.
Who do you think
would be dumb enough
to believe anecdotal evidence?
Oh, I've narrowed
my target market to...
people.
I have news for you.
We people are
smarter than we look.
How hard would that be, really?
Personally, I require
scientific evidence
before I believe anything.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you only think you do.
But in fact, you rely
on media reports
that scientific evidence exists.
You don't actually see
the evidence yourself.
I don't have time to read
all the scientific
studies myself.
Oh, so you're not gullible,
you're just busy.
That's right.
So when I tell people
they have chronic
cubicle syndrome,
they won't be gullible,
they'll be busy, just like you.
You're being ridiculous.
Other symptoms
include poor perception...
I do not have poor perception.
Irritability...
Stop that! Stop it right now!
Bouts of irrational shouting...
Are you trying to make me crazy?
Paranoia.
Now what?
Now my ghostwriter will
put the finishing touches
on the book.
You've been writing a book
while we've been talking?
I know how that sounds,
and you'd be right.
Ratbert.
How may I be of service
to you higher life-forms?
You can't publish a book
about an unproven
medical condition.
Apparently, you haven't
been to the book store lately.
Proofread, publish, distribute.
Roger.
We're very fortunate to
live in the time of Dogbert.
This isn't happening.
Add delusions to
the symptoms list.
You got it.
[EXPLOSION]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[♪♪♪]
We're talking with
best-selling author
of Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
Dogbert. Dogbert, welcome.
Could you repeat
the name of the book?
Uh, sure.
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
How about you, honey?
This is an equal
opportunity condition.
Okay...
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
If You Think You've
Got It, You've Got It.
Now, Mr. Dogbert, tell us,
what exactly is chronic
cubicle syndrome?
Oh, I can't divulge
that information.
You'll have to buy the book.
What's it called again?
Nice try.
I can tell you
that millions of people suffer
from chronic cubicle syndrome.
It's a worldwide epidemic.
How would one know if one had
chronic cubicle syndrome?
[SIGHS]
If you think you've
got it, you've got it.
Is there any scientific
evidence to support your claim?
The best kind.
It's called anecdotal.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
This is preposterous.
I'm a scientist,
and I tell you all that
anecdotal evidence is worthless.
Talk to the hand.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You certainly made
him look like a boob.
We get all kinds.
I think we all know
from past experience
that the scientific and
medical community
will try to suppress
this information,
hiding behind red tape
and double-blind studies
until it's too late.
How many people
have to die, sir?
Yeah, how many?
It says in your bio
that you're a doctor,
but our producer checked
with the medical boards
and we find no record of you.
How do you explain that?
Talk to the hand.
[LAUGHING]
There you have it.
Our next market opportunity:
Chronic cubicle syndrome.
I hate to break it to you,
but there's no such thing
as chronic cubicle syndrome.
I've heard of it!
You've heard of it
because it was just on TV.
So?
I think I have chronic
cubicle syndrome.
Does it make your butt wider?
I'm losing muscle tone.
I wondered what
was causing that.
Sometimes, I feel like I am
surrounded by nincompoops.
I believe that is a
symptom of CCS.
Wally, what's it say?
If this is a ventriloquism
act, it's better with a dummy.
I mean the tape measure.
Calm down.
There is no such thing as
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Dilbert, I value your input.
Now, who wants
to develop a product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
First of all, we're not a
pharmaceutical company.
Second, we're
engineers, not biochemists.
Dilbert, I value your input.
Now, who wants to help
Dilbert develop a product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
Hands?
You know, the facts are
completely against us here.
All right, hang on here.
You know, in our
mad rush to cash in
on this horrible condition
before the competition
and before
the class-action
suits get filed,
are we perhaps getting
ahead of ourselves?
What is our "moral"
responsibility?
Yes! That is exactly
what I'm saying.
Perhaps we need
further research.
Yes!
Perhaps further study.
Yes!
Well, who's got time
for that, you prig?
No. We need to create
some favorable facts first.
Now...
Favorable facts?
Yes, favorable facts.
The other kind are worthless.
Now, let's see, let's see...
We could flip a coin.
Too risky.
We could test humans!
That's always fun!
What about monkeys?
Or rabbits? Or puppies?
We've had some success
hurting them in the
past, haven't we?
Dilbert could do
some tests on mice.
Mice are full of
favorable facts.
Very good. Mice it is.
This is ridiculous
But at least that's
vaguely scientific.
I'll need a budget
to get some mice.
Say what?
We're not paying for mice.
Good God, man, the
streets are full of them.
It looks so real.
Wally, did you bring the cheese?
Yes, it's delicious.
And now the mouse.
Technically, I'm
a rat, not a mouse.
I know, but you're all we
could afford on our budget.
That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
No signs of chronic
cubicle syndrome yet.
He looks listless and bored.
That doesn't mean anything.
My co-workers are idiots!
Idiots, I say!
Only I and I alone
know all the answers.
You can't tell me that's not
chronic cubicle syndrome.
We haven't established
causation yet.
I'm wasting my life in here!
There's no career path.
I want stock options.
I think my boss hates me
because of the way he
looks at me in the meetings.
Why do the objectives
keep changing?
I am so customer-focused.
You are not customer-focused.
Let's just say further
study is needed.
We're in!
Start pouring the champagne.
♪ Happy days are here again ♪♪
Wait, wait, with just one rat,
we don't think any
conclusions can be drawn.
Oh, we'll draw
conclusions, all right.
You can be sure of that.
Take this to the boys
in the statistical
distortion department.
They'll fix the data for you.
Tell them Ike sent you.
Your name's not Ike.
I didn't say it was.
I need you
to distort some
statistics from rat tests,
although I don't
agree with doing it.
I've just lost my will
to fight it anymore.
I don't need the life story.
Let's see... one rat, one test.
I can make these
numbers prove that...
immortality is possible...
or that drinking hard liquor
improves your love life.
Any of those ring your bell?
No. My boss wants this
test to prove the existence
of something called
chronic cubicle syndrome.
Chronic cubicle syndrome?
Everyone knows it exists.
Haven't you read the book?
Have you?
You don't have to
actually read it if you buy it.
It's an implied covenant.
The book offers
absolutely no proof.
Well, that's not my only source.
I'm a serious-minded person.
I also heard about it on TV.
That's only because of the book.
All right, let's see...
we've got the TV,
the anecdotal evidence,
the book, and now your study.
Congratulations. Nice work.
DILBERT: Well, I
hope you're happy.
Chronic cubicle syndrome
is now an official condition.
It's sweeping the nation.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome is real.
It's all in the book.
Buy a copy for a friend.
The end.
What are you doing?
Just recording the
audio version of my book.
That was it?
It's abridged.
Abridged? It's three sentences.
All right, very abridged.
I've been very busy
penning the follow-up:
The Dogbert Chronic
Cubicle Syndrome Cure Diet.
And what might that be?
I'll give you a hint.
It involves food.
What's going on here?
I'm shooting my infomercial.
Infomercial? For what?
Dogbert's secret juice formula.
Many experts believe
that the symptoms
of chronic cubicle syndrome
can be significantly reduced
by drinking 14 to 28 glasses
of my special secret
juice formula each day.
[SNIFFING]
That smells like alcohol.
Well, I'm not at liberty
to reveal the ingredients.
It's an info no-no.
But of course, if
people get drunk,
they're not going
to feel the effects
of chronic cubicle syndrome,
whatever it is.
That's not bad.
Would you mind
doing a testimonial?
Yes, I would mind.
Did you get that?
And since I started drinking
Dogbert's secret juice formula,
to combat the effects of
chronic cubicle syndrome,
I'm a changed man.
Hey, what the...?
How did he do that?
It's all computer-generated.
You're very telegenic.
And, by the way, it works.
Get Dogbert's secret
juice formula today.
Since when do you exercise?
It's not exercise.
It's dorkercise.
I've never felt more alive.
I've never heard of dorkercise.
It's all in the Dogbert
Chronic Cubicle Syndrome
30 Days To A Smaller-Butted
You workout video.
Apparently, if you eat less
and exercise two hours a day,
you can lose the weight
caused by chronic
cubicle syndrome.
If you exercise two
hours a day and eat less,
you'll lose weight
without the video.
No. This gets the cellulite too.
It's completely different.
Read the book.
And sometimes,
when I stay up late,
I'm tired the next day.
That could be serious.
What else?
When I don't eat,
I feel an emptiness
in my stomach.
That's because your
spine is out of alignment.
It's chronic cubicle syndrome.
I was afraid of that.
You'll need one treatment a week
until my boat is paid for.
I hope it is not a big boat.
Lie on your stomach.
Now I'm going to straighten
your spine until you cry.
May I request anesthetics?
I don't believe in those.
Besides, you'll pass
out from the pain
in a few minutes anyway.
Ow... Ow... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[BONES CRACKING, SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
Dilbert!
Dilbert!
Oh, there you are.
Now you look for me.
No. Never mind that.
Why were you playing games
when you were supposed
to be coming up
with a boffo product
to combat chronic
cubicle syndrome?
I'll tell you why.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome doesn't exist.
That's the holdup.
How am I supposed
to engineer a product
for an imaginary condition?
Poor Dilbert.
You know, Dilbert, I've
been around a long time,
too long to count.
One, two... aw, whatever.
See? I told you.
I've seen many
people... Good people...
Felled by this dreaded disease.
It's up to you, my boy.
Gosh, I don't know.
I'm all confused.
That's the spirit.
Don't do it for me.
Do it for yourself.
And, if you don't
do it for yourself,
at least do it,
because you'll be
fired if you don't.
I call them Shockpants.
They deliver a severe
electric shock to the wearer
any time his posture gets bad.
And that will cure
chronic cubicle syndrome?
Well, if chronic cubicle
syndrome existed,
it would probably
have something to do
with your posture.
We need to test this on someone.
What did I miss?
Can I help with anything?
And this will help
me with my posture?
[SCREAMS]
That straightened him out.
Let's take this
puppy to Marketing
and get it in stores.
We couldn't wait for
Asok to get bad posture,
so I asked Dilbert to
make this remote control
to speed up the demonstration.
[SCREAMS]
I love it!
It's a device for
shocking interns.
We can sell a billion of these.
Actually, it's a cure for
chronic cubicle syndrome,
which doesn't exist,
but we've managed
to get past that.
We don't want to sell
cures for diseases.
That's too much of a downer.
We'll be painted
with the same brush
as that Jonas Salk guy.
Okay by me.
Let's forget the whole thing.
You're not thinking
like marketing people.
Let's use our imaginations.
Our what?
You mean, let's
use our imaginations.
Isn't that what I just said?
Hmm. I guess it is.
You know, those
yellow sticky notes
were invented by accident.
So was the space shuttle.
Exactly!
How can we turn
this huge mistake
by an engineer
into a victory by marketing?
I've got it!
We'll market them as a line
of casual wear for business.
It worked with Dockers.
It can work for "Shockers."
I'd like to go on record...
Uh... ooh... um...
Don't make your
mistake any worse.
We're just lucky
these marketing people were here
to pull our fat out of the fire.
May I see that for a moment?
[♪♪♪]
[BUZZING, SCREAMING]
TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,
even as claims of
chronic cubicle syndrome
continue to rise,
as every drone with the sniffles
is convinced he has it,
the sales of
Shockpants are soaring,
thanks to new
corporate dress codes
that make them mandatory.
You might say workers
are dressed for "shockcess."
[SCREAMS]
I get it, I get it. No
more making up words.
The success of Shockpants
comes despite widespread reports
of seared flesh and
spontaneous human combustion.
If you ask me, it's
all rather "shocking."
[SCREAMS]
And now for an editorial from
our station general manager.
Besieged by
pseudoscience once again,
we now find ourselves
in the grips of yet
another bogus claim
designed to strike fear
in hardworking people
even as it fleeces their
meager savings accounts.
Chronic cubicle...
[SCREAMS]
This is crazy.
People are tired,
weary, bored, and depressed
after a hard day's work
day in, day out,
year after year,
in endless dead-end job
after endless dead-end job
with no future and no hope.
That's natural.
It's completely
appropriate to feel that way.
How else should you feel?
If you felt good after that
soul-crunching experience,
that would be sick.
Chronic cubicle
syndrome is just life!
You should have thought of that
before your rip-off cure
started killing so many people.
It was marketing's idea
to turn up the voltage
on the new models.
I argued against it.
So it's not your fault.
No one could think it was.
BOSS: It's Dilbert's fault!
I tried to stop him.
I thank the man upstairs
that we live in a country
where the corporations
can reap the profits
from a death machine
and, through the use of
loopholes and disclaimers,
not be liable when the
lawsuits start flooding in.
Well, then who is liable?
Well, you are.
Me?
You invented the blasted thing.
Then why haven't I
earned any royalties?
Because you don't
own the patent.
Well, then, how can I be liable?
Well, you see,
Dilbert, technically,
in this instance, you're
an independent contractor.
I am?
Read the fine print.
"In the event that profits
are realized by said invention,
"the independent contractor
is defined as 'the sucker.'
"In the event that anything
goes wrong with said invention,
the independent contractor
is defined as 'the scapegoat.'"
Is there anything
you'd like to say
before we hang you out to dry?
Can I make a phone call?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
I'm so nervous to meet you
in person, Mr. Dogbert.
I'm your biggest fan.
May I have some eye contact?
I've waited two hours.
Please, just one eye.
The only way to
escape from a bad idea
is with an even worse idea.
You're welcome.
Using the same studies and data,
we could announce that
chronic cubicle syndrome
never really existed.
It was a statistical aberration.
Then, if I could come up
with an even better
market for Shockpants,
would you let me off the hook?
Would they still kill people?
Because I got to tell you,
I never laughed so hard.
We can turn the voltage down,
and then we can market them
to a different group.
It's all about marketing.
He's correct.
Isn't everything?
This is beautiful.
You have one at
home just like it.
[SCREAMS]
Who will tell me
who was the first president
of the United States?
Your mother?
[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
I'm happy to report that
sales of the Shockpants
are once again zooming.
I guess we all know
who gets the credit.
Don't tell me.
It's the guys in Marketing.
No, but good guess.
Is it you?
As much as I deserve it, no.
The credit goes to
my boss's boss's boss
who none of us have
ever met and never will.
Credit travels up,
blame travels down.
It's like drinking
beer from a straw,
if you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
Me neither. It's
something I once heard.
Although I have
been completely hosed
on the profits of my invention,
at least we can finally agree
that chronic cubicle syndrome
doesn't exist and never did.
Are you nuts?
Just look at the
size of my butt.
The Dogbert exercise
program really works.
And look at this muscle tone
since I started
drinking that juice.
I'm not loud anymore!
It'll take 24 sessions, minimum.
Can you give me all
24 today? I'm in a hurry.
Well, I do want to put
an addition on my house.
BOSS: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[CRYING]
He's stronger than he looks.
Hi. How are you?
What are you staring at?