Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 8, Episode 3 - Love on the Run - full transcript

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what ♪



♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ and I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

(melodic electronic beeping)

- Rats.

- Forget it, Sam, you'll
never be able to play

Swanee River on a
calculator made in Japan.

- Okay, boys, get
'em while they're hot.

Corn muffins and beurre.

- Muffins and what, Pearl?

- Beurre, Kimberly's
teaching me French.



That's the word
for butter, beurre.

- Great Pearl, that way
when we go to the movies,

we can order a large
popcorn, heavy on the beurre.

- Knock it off, Sam,

it doesn't hurt to know
a second language.

Would you like to know
what this is called in Paris?

- Well, in New York it's
my fork, so hand it over.

- You're hopeless.

I'm off to class, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Oh, good morning,
darling, (smacks lips)

morning, boys.
- Morning.

- Oh, just coffee for me,
Pearl, I'm in a dreadful hurry.

And don't set a place
for Mr. Drummond,

he's already in the office.

- Hi, everybody!

- [Arnold] Hi, Dad!

- Oh, Philip, I thought you
had an early morning meeting.

- I did, Neil Rolnick
and I had a business jog.

I beat him.

- Way to go, Dad.

Does he still weigh 325?

- 340.

But once he gets started,
he can really move.

Now, no breakfast,
just a little orange juice.

- If you two keep
up your schedule,

I'll have to go
the fast food route

and make Pearl McMuffins.

- Hey, good idea.

- I think she's
only kidding, Philip.

- Oh really?
- Uh-huh.

- Well, it's a good idea anyway.

But I have a better one.

How about lunch today?

- Oh, sounds
great, La Marseille?

- No, that's too far
uptown, the Criterion.

- Too far downtown, Cafe Marit?

- Perfect.

(both laugh)

- 12 o'clock.
- Oh, I can't, 1:30?

- Too late.

One o'clock.

- [Both] Tomorrow.

- They're at it again, Arnold.

Boy, I hope I'm never that busy.

- Yeah, kid, life's simpler

when everything you
own fits in your toy chest.

(audience laughs)

- [Maggie] Has
anybody seen my purse?

- On the couch.
- A-ha.

Will I need an umbrella?

- [All] No.

- I better take one.

- I wanna go over these
figures while I'm dressing.

Has anybody seen my calculator?

- Oh, I was usin'
it, Mr. D, sorry.

- Oh, that's okay, Sam,
your homework comes first.

- No, I used it to play music.

- Music?

- It's my fault, I told him
Prince started that way.

- [Maggie] See you guys tonight.

- [All] Bye-bye.

- Oh, oh, we're still on for
the ballet tonight, right dear?

- Right, sure.

Oh, I'm sorry dear,
I have a meeting.

Darn it, and I've
been looking forward

to that ballet for weeks.

- Oh, me too.

Well, maybe we can give
the tickets to the Petersons.

- They're outta town.

- The Johnsons?
- Well, they saw it last week.

- You can give the
tickets to Mr. Rolnick.

He needs two seats.

(audience laughs)

- Ballet is the worst.

- Well, it'll never replace MTV.

- Yeah, well at
least you were lucky.

That tall guy sat
in front of you.

I had to watch the whole thing.

- Is that why you
threw peanuts onstage?

- Yeah, it made a neat sound

when those dancers
stepped on 'em.

- Wow, Kimberly.
- Hey.

- Lookin' good.

- [Kimberly] Thanks.

- Where were you tonight?

- Oh, I had a date with Brad,

and boy, we painted
the town, mm.

- Boy, I'd get killed if I wore

my good clothes for painting.

- Where were you guys tonight?

- The ballet.

(bowl thuds)

- Hey, I think
it's great you two

are learning to
appreciate the arts.

What was your favorite part?

- When Sam fell
in the orchestra pit.

(audience laughs)

- I dropped my marbles
and I wanted to get 'em back.

- I can't believe you
two were at the ballet.

What was it, Helmet Night?

- Dad and Maggie couldn't
use their tickets again.

Last week it was two
plays and an opera.

The next time they
cancel their plans,

I hope it's a Yankee game.

- Yeah, I'd much
rather see Billy Martin

kick dirt on an umpire
than hear a fat lady sing.

- You know, Dad and Maggie
have been goin' like this

ever since I got
home from Paris.

It's almost like they're married

to their jobs instead
of each other.

- You really think so?

- Well,

I know your Mom's real
busy with her aerobic show,

and well, Daddy's planning
a big corporate takeover.

I sure hope when I get
married, my husband and I

have more time to spend
together than they do.

- Ah, don't worry, Kimberly,
you and your husband

will have plenty of
time to spend together.

(Kimberly giggles)
He'll be curled up

in front of the fireplace,

and you'll be sitting
there polishing his leash.

(laughing) Right, Sam?

- Kimberly, are you saying

what Mom and Mr. D
are doing is bad?

- Well, it can't be that good.

It takes a lot of work to
keep a marriage going.

(sighs) I guess they
know what's best for them.

- Right, just like
you and Fido will.

- As they say in France, Arnold,

(speaking foreign language)

(huffing)
- Huh.

I know what that
means, and I'm tellin' Dad.

I think she called
me a chef salad.

- Arnold, I'm worried
about Mom and Mr. D.

Kimberly's right, they're not
acting like married people.

They're not spending
any time together.

- (clicks tongue)
Aw Sam, come on.

It's all right for Kimberly
to feel that way, she's a girl.

But you're bein' ridiculous.

Hey Sam, look,
there's no problem.

I bet your Dad and Maggie
are probably upstairs right now.

- You think so?

- When am I ever wrong?

Freeze that mouth.

- Hey guys.

- Dad, are you just
gettin' home from work?

- Oh boy, am I beat, those
meetings go on and on and on.

Well, how did
you like the ballet?

- It went over the boy's head,

but I thought it was a
provocative statement

on the futility of life.

- You picked that
up at the ballet?

- No, I heard some guy
talking in the men's room.

- What'd you think, Sam?

- Well, on the McKinney
scale of one to 10,

I give it, um.
(blows raspberries)

- All right, next week
I'll take the whole family

to see something
we can all enjoy.

- Mama too, Mr. D.?

- Of course, all we have to
do is coordinate our schedules.

Now I think it's time
you two boys hit the sack.

- He doesn't even
know if Mama could go.

(hand slaps desk)
This isn't good, Arnold.

- (clicks tongue) Come on, Sam,

Dad's just being
considerate of Maggie.

- No, Arnold, this isn't good.

And this time you
can't tell me it is.

- Wait a minute, Sam,
now just calm down.

If it'll make you feel better,

I'll go in and I'll
speak to Dad.

- Do it now, Arnold,
please Arnold, now.

- Okay, Sam, all right,
I'm goin', I'm on my way.

And if there's a
problem, it'll be history,

because Arnold "Dear
Abby" Jackson is on the move.

Hey, Dad.

Um, can I talk to
you for a minute?

- Oh sure, son.

What's on your mind?

- Uh, uh,

I'll uh, have glass of moo.

- Oh.

There you go.
- Thanks, Dad.

- What's up?

- Oh, uh, uh,
about this moo, um,

you know they always
say milk's good for ya,

but you ever see cows drink it?

I mean, makes you wonder
if they know somethin'.

- Okay, Arnold, what
happened in school?

- School's fine, Dad.

- Well then, what's the problem?

- Sam.
- Oh.

What's the problem with Sam?

- You.

Uh, uh, you and Maggie.

Actually, Sam's worried
about your marriage.

You see, you guys never
spend any time together.

You run around like
crazy every morning.

- Arnold, come on.

- (sighing) Look, Dad,
the other morning,

you gave Maggie your laundry
and kissed Pearl goodbye.

Well, almost.

Look, I'm not agreein' with Sam,

but I know what your life was
like before you met Maggie.

You didn't have anyone
to share your day with,

talk to, grow old with.

(audience laughs)

Strike the grow old part.

But, I'm pretty sure
you know what I mean.

- Arnold, you're okay.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Now listen, Maggie
and I are very busy people.

We're a career couple.

But it isn't the
quantity of time

that we spend
together that matters,

it's the quality,

and the quality
is just marvelous.

You understand?

- Oh, absolutely, Dad.

And I'm sure Sam
will feel better now, too.

- I'll feel better when
Sam feels better.

But I guess I
should talk to him.

- Oh, that's all
right, Dad I'll do it.

I mean, after all, he came
to me with the problem.

- Okay, Arnold, but
if he's still worried,

I want you to tell me.

- Okay, Dad, sure.

- Good night, son.
- Good night, Dad.

- And Arnold, don't
waste that milk.

- Sam, you upstairs?

(distant traffic)
Sam, where are you?

Oh.

Hey, Sam.

Dad wants you to have that moo,

and, uh, don't
worry about a thing,

because it's all under control.

- You mean he said they're going

to start spending
some time together?

- No, he didn't
exactly say that.

- What did he exactly say?

- (inhaling) Uh, look, Sam, uh,

you don't understand adults.

See, you have to be able
to read between the lines.

(Sam sighs)

Look Sam, Dad said that they're

just a career couple
of the 80s, that's all.

- Can they still see
more of each other?

- I'm sure, eventually,
like in a few months.

(Sam sighs)

Hey Sam, Dad and
Maggie still love each other.

- My mom and my first
daddy loved each other, too.

They're not together anymore.

- Ah, hey, look.

If they can't see each other,
they can't fight! (chuckles)

Not funny?

- No.

My daddy was so busy, he
and my mama never fought.

They just stopped
spending time together.

Then they just
stopped being married.

(audience expresses pity)

(Arnold sighs)

- Look, Sam, Dad
told me himself.

It's not the quantity of
time they spend together...

- It's the quality.

(audience laughs)

- Well if you knew that, why'd
you put me through all this?

- I know it because that's
what my daddy used to say

before he and my
mama got a divorce.

Well, Arnold, it's been
nice being your brother.

(audience expresses pity)

- (sighing) I give up, Sam.

I can't find one article

on how to get Dad and
Maggie back together.

You find anything interesting?

- Yeah, this article right here.

"Madonna Explains
Her Fear of Shellfish."

(audience laughs)

- You're a big help, Sam.

I just don't know
what people their age

would consider romantic.

- Well, I was pretty little,
but I seem to remember

my mama liked it when Daddy
would go out and shoot a possum,

and then they'd
skin it together.

(audience laughs)

- Hard to believe they split up.

- Hi guys.

- Hi Kimberly.

- Hey Kimberly.
- Hm.

- What's your idea of
a romantic evening?

- Well, it's, you're
too young, Sam.

- I know Kimberly's idea.

She likes sitting
in an Oldsmobile,

parked by the river,
steaming up the windows.

- How do you know that?

- I followed you once.

- You were spying on me?

- Not exactly spying,
more like observing.

- You're just a little
worm, you know...

- Hey, come on.

There'll be plenty
of time for fighting

after we get Mom and
Mr. D. Back together again.

- He's right, Kimberly.

- You're worried about
this too, aren't you, Arnold?

- Well, I'd rather
eat brussels sprouts

than admit that
you two were right.

Listen, Kimberly, do
you have any ideas, um,

something romantic that would
get Maggie and Dad together?

- (clicks tongue) An
around-the-world cruise is nice.

- Oh, great.

On our allowance they
could sail to Jersey City.

- What about a nice
romantic dinner?

We can afford that.

- Great idea.

- You know, candlelight,
wine, soft music.

- Fried possum.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Uh, Pearl can, uh,
handle the menu. (chuckles)

You know, that might work.

- They did promise to be
home for dinner tonight.

Maybe if we all leave
them alone, sparks will fly.

- I bet there'll be
plenty of mushy talk.

- Well, Sam my man, tonight
we're in the mush business.

Come on, let's go
make arrangements.

- Okay, Arnold,
I'll try anything.

- Oh, and don't worry
about those pictures

I took of you in the Oldsmobile.

They hardly came out.

- What?

- Gotcha.

(audience laughs)

(audience coos and catcalls)

- Ah, I do a lot for a tuxedo.

Come on out, Sam.

- [Sam] Coming.

(audience whoops and applauds)

- Don't be alarmed, Sam, but uh,

there's a caterpillar
on your lip.

- It's a mustache.

All the waiters in fancy
restaurants have them.

- (scoffs) Sam, I don't think we

should let Dad and
Maggie see that.

I mean, rolling around
on the floor laughing

isn't exactly all that romantic.

(gasping)

(sniffing)

- Well, I wonder where they are.

They should be here by now.

That chopped liver
swan's startin' to get crusty.

(audience laughs and claps)

- It looks like a duck to me.

- It's a swan, Sam.

Swan, got it?

- A swan, right Arnold.

- Maybe we should
just, (hand slaps leg)

practice being waiters?

- What do we do?

- Well, you have to be
refined, elegant, and snooty.

- You mean like this?

Excuse me, madame,
what would you like

with your baked potato?

Sour cream or beurre?

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, that must be
the musician we hired.

Once Dad and Maggie
hear him, they'll be

kissing and cooing in no time.

- Mush city.

- Kids.

- Are you Jackson?

- [Arnold] Right,
are you the harpist?

- No, I just dragged this
upstairs for my health.

Whoa, is this murder
on the subway, whoa.

(audience laughs)

(grunting)

Okay.
- Keep goin' that way.

- Keep goin' that way, whoa,

what a fancy
layout you got here.

Look at this, all the furniture

matches and everything,
it looks beautiful.

I love that chopped liver duck.

- See?

- Joe, do you have any, uh,

experience with
romantic dinners?

- Oh yeah, I've been
married four times.

- All right, well, they should
be here any minute now,

so you might as
well start playin'...

- Not now, I'm on a break.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

Hi Dad, where are you?

What?

But Dad, you can't
work on Saturday,

it's International Date Night.

Wait, but Dad, we,

yeah, yeah, okay.

(sighing) Yeah, all right.

Don't worry about us,
Dad, yeah, we understand.

Okay, bye.

I can't believe it.

Dad's meeting is still going on.

- So they'll be
just a little late?

- More like a lot late.

He called Maggie and canceled,

and she's gonna work late, too.

(clicks tongue) I
said we understand.

- Do we understand?

- No.

(harp music)

(audience laughs and claps)

(utensils clink)

- What do they call this stuff?

- Pate.

- Maybe it'll be
better with ketchup.

(audience laughs)

- Joe, can't you play
somethin' we know?

- I doubt it.

Come on, forget it, kid.

This is more depressing
than a pet funeral.

I'll make a deal with you.

You let me split early, I give
you half your money back.

- Make it three-quarters.
- Five-eighths.

- Sold.
- Got a deal,

I'll send you a check.

(audience laughs)

- I guess it's all over.

I guess I'm about to
become a two-time loser.

It won't be long before I'm
packing up my side of the room.

- Hey wait, Sam.

- (sighs) Well,
I'll be fair, Arnold.

You get your
share of the goldfish

and the dust ball
collection under the bed,

but I don't know
what we're gonna do

about the autographed
picture of Judge Wapner.

- Sam, look.

You're my little brother,

and you'll always
be my little brother.

Even when you're too
old to give noogies to.

- When will that be?

- When you're 50.

So I'm not gonna
give up that easily.

Besides, I need someone
I can push around.

- Gee, Arnold,
you're really great.

And you're even
better than a big brother.

You're my pal, too.

(audience coos and applauds)

- That's great, that's great.

- Hello, boys.

- Maggie.
- Mama,

what are you doing here?

- Well, I talked to Philip,
and from what he said,

it sounded like you
were lower than dirt,

so I canceled my meeting
and I came right home.

Ah, do you boys always wear
tuxedos when we're not home?

- It's the only
clean thing we had.

- Hi everybody.
- Dad.

- I would've been here sooner,

but there was some guy with
a harp stuck in the elevator.

(audience laughs)

- Mr D., why did you come home?

- Well, because Arnold
sounded so unhappy,

I was worried about
you two guys, hey,

what is all this?

What is going on here?

- Uh, uh, Dad, Maggie, um,

this is a little hard
to explain, um,

we wanted to give you guys
a romantic evening tonight.

(Philip and Maggie gasp)

- That's so nice of
you boys, uh, but why?

- We didn't want you and
Mr. D. To get a divorce, Mama.

- A divorce?
- What?

- You guys are
so busy with work,

you never have any
time for each other.

- And that's the way it
was before you and Daddy

got a divorce, remember, Mama?

- Well, yes, uh, I do remember.

Oh but Sam, honey,
honey, that was different.

- Not to me, Mama.

- I don't know what to say.

- I do.

I think it is time that you
and I just sit right down here

and have dinner, Maggie,
we're a little overdue.

- Wow, that's great.

(phone rings)

- Excuse me, I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, I see.

Well, how soon do you
think you'll need me?

Uh, Frank?

You're gonna have to
handle this one by yourself.

Even better yet, go
home to your family.

We'll take care of this Monday.

(audience cheers and applauds)

- [Arnold] All right!

Sam, let's serve dinner!
- Oh.

- Great idea, we
wouldn't wanna let

that lovely duck go to waste.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Wait a minute,
Arnold ate all the food.

- Yeah, well, you pigged
out on the peche corbeil.

- That's not true, I just
picked out all the peche.

- Okay, guys, I'm sure we
can find something to eat.

- Oh, I'm sure, Dad.

We got a whole freezer
full of frozen chicken parts.

- But if you close
your eyes, Mama,

it'll taste just like possum.

- I can't wait.

What a romantic menu.

- Come on, Sam, let's go.

- Okay, Arnold.

Thank you.

(both laugh)

- You know, I think
the boys have a point.

I miss you.

- Me, too.

- It's funny, I
rush off to work,

and just like a schoolgirl,

I think about you
during the day.

Sorta silly at my age, huh?

- No, the boys are
right, I've been spending

more time with my vice
president than I have with you.

And you have much prettier legs.

- You know, we
made time for the boys

when we thought they needed us.

I think we can make
time for each other.

- How 'bout tonight?

- Perfect.

(audience members
whoop) We've got the wine,

the candlelight,

all that's missing is the music.

(audience members whoop)

(melodic electronic beeps)

(audience laughs and applauds)

("Diff'rent Strokes Theme
Song" by Alan Thicke)

(vibrant tones)

(orchestral music)