Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 17 - Friendly Mate - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪



♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪

Hmm. Well, did I
cook your eggs okay?

Well, I wanted them
scrambled, not strangled.

I'll cook breakfast tomorrow.
What do you want, Arnold?

I want pancakes and
a doctor standing by.

I gotta get down to the office.
Has anybody seen the papers...

that I left on top of my briefcase?
No, haven't seen 'em, Dad.

The housekeeper's
out for one day,

and this whole
place is upside down.

Boy, Dad sure is ticked off.

You think so? Just 'cause he
had steam coming out of his ears?

You know, he certainly
has been grumpy lately.



Yeah. Yesterday he yelled at
my goldfish for swimmin' too loud.

Hey, gang.

I found 'em, right
where I left 'em.

- I'm sorry, kids. I don't mean
to take it out on you.
- Take what out on us?

I wish I knew. I've been
turning into a grouch lately.

I'm short with everybody.

I've got the same problem.

Well, I gotta get down to
the office. But it's Saturday.

I know. I didn't have
anything else planned.

You know, Daddy's been
working too hard lately.

He needs to get out
and have a little fun.

- Yeah. Why doesn't he?
- He's in a rut.

Maybe we can "unrut" him.

Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we can
get Dad a new hobby, uh, like fishin'.

Fishing? You have
to use bait. So?

Well, Daddy would never
murder an innocent worm.

I got an idea!

How about getting
him an electric train set?

With... With tunnels and
switches and everything!

Arnold, that's good for you,
but how would it help Dad?

Well, it might cheer him
up to see me so happy.

Hey. Why don't we invite Dad to
go see a movie with us tonight?

Good idea. What
movie should we see?

A horror movie that's
rated S.P. What's S.P.?

Scare your pants off.

Come on. Let's go ask
him. [Together] Okay.

Hey, Dad, can we
talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Come and sit down on the
couch and take a load off your grouch.

Oh.

What's up, gang? Well, Dad,

we'd like to invite you to go
see a movie with us tonight.

Hey. That's a nice invitation.
What movie did you have in mind?

Arnold wants to see a horror film.
How 'bout that new one that's out?

Death Takes a Shower.

And Dracula and Frankenstein
shampoo a werewolf.

That sounds like a lot of good,
clean terror. Count me in, gang.

Aw, that's great. All right.
You feel better now, Dad?

I'll tell you somethin'. I got an
idea of what's been bothering me.

I think maybe I'm
just a little bit lonely.

Now how could you be
lonely with us around?

Yeah. We're always with you,
except when you go in the bathroom.

If you want, we'll
come in there too.

No, I don't think that's
necessary, Arnold.

No. That isn't the kind of
loneliness I'm talking about.

You see, I haven't been
married for a long time,

and I guess I miss
that close relationship,

that special something that a
man and a woman can share.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

You need a little action.

Something like that.

I'll see you at 6:00, kids.
[Together] Okay. Bye.

Oh, Daddy, will you drop me off at the
library? I'm gonna meet my friend there.

Sure, honey. Okay.
I'll be right down.

[Sighs] You know, guys,

I bet Daddy could get over his
blues if he found himself a girlfriend.

Yeah, but where we gonna
find a lady who's available?

I seen some ladies hanging around
doorways that look pretty available.

No, Arnold.

Daddy needs a more
refined type of lady.

Oh, you mean someone
in a long evening gown...

- with a cigarette holder
and a fancy hairdo?
- That's right.

Well, that's what these
ladies in the doorway look like.

There must be some place
that we can find a date for Dad.

I know! We can ring all the
doorbells in the building...

until a foxy lady comes out.

And then what, say,
"Hi. Our dad is lonely.

Can you come up to
the penthouse and play"?

No, we need to do
something romantic.

Like once I saw in a movie...

where Charles Boyer was hiding
from the police in the sewers of France,

and he fell in love
with this beautiful girl.

And he left his hiding place to meet
her, and the police shot him dead.

Kimberly,

we're trying to get Dad
a date, not rubbed out.

I'll see ya later.

Arnold, there must be a place
we can find a lady friend for Dad.

Now how are we gonna do that?

If I walked up to a lady and
said, "Do you want a date?"

she'd think I was
tryin' to make out.

I got an idea.

You know, there's ads in the
papers for people who are lonely.

You know, you can order a
date, kind of like ordering a pizza.

What do you say, "I'll have a large
lady to go, and hold the anchovies"?

Hey, listen to this one.

"Not scoring well? Call
Candy and improve your swing."

[Laughs] Too bad
Dad's not into golf.

Ah, here's one that sounds good.

"Lonely? Call Friendly Mate,

Manhattan's most refined
computer dating service."

Hey, "refined"... That's
what Kimberly said.

And there's a phone number.

Hey, let's show it to
Dad! Are you kiddin'?

He'd be too embarrassed to get
fixed up with a date from a newspaper.

You're right. Let's tell him we found the
number written on the wall in the subway.

We're gonna call
Friendly Mate for Dad.

We must have been crazy
when we opened this business.

If things don't
pick up pretty soon,

we're gonna be
dating each other.

I'd like to put out a contract on
the guy that invented singles bars.

[Rings] If that's
your mother again,

I'm gonna sell
her a date. Do it.

Friendly Mate Computer
Dating. Lucille speaking.

Hello. My name is Willis,

and I'd like to order a very
special Friendly Mate, please.

Oh, you would, huh? You
sound kind of young, honey.

We only do business with adults.
By the way, how old are you?

Tell her you're 45 and
your voice never changed.

Arnold, I'll handle it.

I'm 14, ma'am, but this
isn't for me. It's for my father.

Oh? And how does your
father feel about that?

Oh, he'll feel okay about it.

You see, he hasn't been married for a long
time, so he's kind of lonely right now.

Tell her he's so lonely, he's
startin' to kiss his briefcase.

I tell you, Willis, we don't
do business over the phone.

Why don't you send your daddy
down here, and we'll have a nice chat?

Oh, he wouldn't do
that. He's too proud.

See, we want it to
be like a big surprise...

Kind of like a lady jumping
out of a birthday cake.

But only we don't want the cake.

I don't know about
that, young man.

Look, me and my brother'll
come down there, okay?

We'll have our
chauffeur bring us. Bye.

Chauffeur?

Chauffeur?

This is no joke, ma'am. Our
chauffeur brought us down here.

And you live in a
penthouse on Park Avenue?

Right. Our dad's
rich and handsome,

and he always brushes his teeth.

- What is your daddy's name?
- Philip Drummond.

Mm-hmm. What kind of
work does your daddy do?

All kinds of businesses.

He's a... conglomeration.

Is that Drummond with two M's?

Two M's, like in
multimillionaire.

Here it is, right here. Philip
Drummond, Park Avenue.

Please, ma'am.
This is an emergency.

Our dad is really lonely.

He's a terrific guy, and he'd like
to meet a nice, refined woman.

But not so refined that she
won't get down and boogie.

That's right. Dad's 50, but he's
still got a lot of life left in him.

Well,

this is pretty
unusual, you know.

But you leave it to me. Our computer
will find a lovely lady for your daddy.

Oh, that's terrific. All set,
Arnold? Hold it, Willis. Hold it.

What is the going price
for a, uh, date these days?

If you charge by the pound,
we want one that's skinny.

Don't you worry about it.

We're gonna give your daddy
our special introductory offer.

Now when would you
like to surprise him?

How 'bout tonight?
He'll be home about 6:00.

Yeah, but he needs some time to grease
his hair and put on some smelly stuff.

Well, that's a little short
notice, but I think it'll be okay.

We'll have your dad's
date there at 7:00.

All right. But, please, ma'am,

don't make a mistake
with your computer.

We don't want our dad to be
fixed up with a hockey player.

I'll be careful.
[Together] All right.

Thank you. It was very nice to
meet you. Nice meeting you too. Bye.

Well, Arnold, this is the
best present we can give Dad.

Sure beats what we gave
him for his birthday. That tie?

No, the flu.

So cute.

Who was that? The
boys that called earlier.

Would you believe their dad lives
on Park Avenue and has a chauffeur?

You're kidding? Hey, that's
the kind of date I'd like to have.

A rich, black gentleman
who lives on Park Avenue?

That is a great idea.

Why don't we give the computer
the day off, and you date him?

I just might do that.

And if the father's as
cute as the two kids,

I may pay the fee myself.

Lucille, their daddy doesn't
know how lucky he is.

When he sees gorgeous you walk
in, his mouth is gonna drop open.

We better not tell Kimberly,

'cause if she doesn't dig computer
dating, she might blow the whistle on us.

- Why wouldn't she dig it?
- Well, you know
how romantic she is.

She thinks the only way that a
man and woman should meet...

is over candlelight and Cupid
shootin' an arrow in their butts.

Well, she'll just have to learn
that if it's a lady you desire,

a computer can light your fire.

Hey, where's Dad?

He's supposed to be home
at 6:00, and it's almost 7:00.

Yeah. His date's
gonna be here soon!

Well, he better get here before she
does so we can tell him we fixed him up.

Well, I thought we
were gonna surprise him.

We better not do that.

How would you like it if a strange
lady showed up at your door...

and said, "I'm your
date for the evening"?

If I was old as Dad,
I'd be real grateful.

Hey, guys, my girlfriend's going
to the movies with us tonight. Okay.

Yeah. That's one more box
of popcorn I can mooch from.

- Hi, gang.
- Hi, Daddy.

I hope all of you had
as good a day as I did.

Ah, it's good to see you in
such a happy mood, Dad.

Come on. You gotta get
changed for the movie, Daddy.

- He can't go! Oh.
- Why can't he go?

Uh, well... What Arnold means is that,
um, maybe the movie's too scary for Dad.

Ye... Yeah, that's it.
Uh, it might make his

hair fall out and make
his bald spot bigger.

Well, I appreciate
your concern, fellas.

I can't go anyway. A guy down at the
office fixed me up with a date tonight.

What you talkin' about, Dad?

You know my associate, Roger?

Well, he saw me moping
around just as you did,

and so... he fixed me up.

He fixed us up too.

Daddy, I think it's terrific you got a
date tonight. Who's the lucky lady?

You know, I don't
even know her name.

She's a friend of Roger's
girlfriend. I've never even met her.

Well, why don't
you keep it that way?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, well, you know
blind dates.

She could show you a good time, get
you drunk, roll you for all your dough,

and you end up
lying in the gutter...

A wino with a broken heart.

I'll be very careful, Arnold.

I'll pin my wallet to my shorts.

Hey, look what time it
is. I gotta grab a shower.

She's gonna be here at 7:30.

Dad? Wait a minute. Yeah?

Uh, is she the kind
of lady that might get

lost and miss the building
and never show up?

What kind of a
question is that, Arnold?

I don't know. Just trying to keep
up my end of the conversation.

Sorry about the movie, kids. We'll have
our fear festival some other night. Okay?

Okay. Bye.

You know, I knew a girlfriend
was the answer for Daddy.

Well, let's get going, guys. My
girlfriend's meeting us downstairs.

Kimberly, me and Arnold decided that we
don't want to go to the movies after all.

Why not? You suggested it.

Well, we're tired
of movies. What?

You mean you're tired of horror
movies and the hot buttered popcorn...

and the soda pop and the
candy and the pizza afterwards?

Willis, maybe we ought to
reconsider how tired we are.

Arnold, we are too tired to go.

Dig?

Like the man said,
we are pooped!

You know, you two
are really very strange.

Catch you later. Bye.

Bye-bye.

[Door Closes] Willis,
what're we gonna do?

Dad's gonna have two
dates here in a few minutes.

No sweat, little brother.

Well, then why am I sweatin'?

Look, Arnold, I
got it all figured out.

The lady from Friendly
Mate is due here first, right?

Yeah, right. So we'll
just send her home.

Well, what do we say to her?

"Hi, but you better go away
'cause we all got athlete's foot"?

[Laughs] Don't worry, Arnold.

Hey, I got an idea. I'll
head her off at the elevator.

Oh! Well, hello.

Oh, hi. But you better go
away because we all got ath...

- I mean...
- You all got what?

Oh, nothing. Are you
Mr. Drummond's Friendly Mate?

Well, that's a
nice way to put it.

But why do I have to go away?
Is it because I'm a little early?

Ah, no, because Mr. Drummond's
gonna be a little late. Um...

Oh, really? Well, when
do you expect him?

Next Easter.

Easter? What are
you talking about?

Well, you see, uh, an
unexpected thing has happened.

Um, Mr. Drummond suddenly
had to go to... Chicago.

Chicago? But I've got
a date with him tonight.

Well, what's he
doing in Chicago?

- Checkin' out the White Sox.
- [Laughing]

Checkin' out the White Sox!

That's what he's
doin' all right.

Well, this sounds
pretty strange to me.

Well, we're pretty
strange guys. [Laughs]

It was nice of you to stop by,
and it was very nice to meet you,

and when Dad gets back,
I'll make sure he calls you.

Oh, you do that, because there's a couple
of things that I'd like to call him too.

Bye.

Well, I thought we handled
that pretty cool, Willis.

And thinking of money, Dad
won't have to pay Friendly Mate.

Yeah. Instead he can donate to
the Willis and Arnold Foundation...

for Get Down Funky Records.

Whoo! Bum. Ow! [Together] Whoo!

Hey, you want to catch up
with Kimberly at the movies?

Okay, but let's hurry. I don't
mind missing part of the movie,

but I want to get there before
the refreshment stand closes.

[Doorbell Chimes]
That must be Dad's date.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

- I'm your daddy's date.
- You are?

Yes.

- Something wrong?
- No. Well, all right!

Come on in!

Dad's friend Roger
must be one cool dude.

- Which one of you is Willis?
- I am.

And I'm Arnold. Hey, hey, hey.

You know, Willis, you're
much taller than your voice.

Thank you.

How'd you know my name? You
forget. I spoke to you on the phone.

Say what?

And I saw you this
afternoon at the office.

I'm Lucille from Friendly
Mate Computer Date.

Uh-oh.

- Is something wrong?
- No, not a thing.

Uh, just a nervous
twitch he has.

He uh-oh's whenever he
gets near a woman over 10.

Don't be nervous,
honey. I won't bite.

My, this is a
gorgeous penthouse.

And I love the
way it's furnished.

Early rich.

Would... Would you
excuse us a minute, please?

Yeah, why don't you have a seat on
this very expensive sofa? Thank you.

Willis... Willis,
we've got trouble.

We sent away the wrong lady.

Yeah, I know. What
are we gonna do?

I... [Stammers] Let's blame it
on Kimberly and move to a hotel.

Hey, maybe we can get the
other lady back before Dad is ready.

Listen, I'll try to catch her while you
get rid of Lucille before Dad sees her.

Oh, well, wait. Hold it, Willis.
Wait a minute. Get rid of her?

What am I supposed to do? Give
her a drink and toss her off the terrace?

I don't know.

Get her in the kitchen
and out the back door.

Bye. Bye! But...

He sure was in a hurry.
He was burnin' rubber.

Oh, well, he was born a month
late, and he's tryin' to catch up.

You're a cute kid.

I'm even cuter in the
kitchen. Let me show it to you.

Uh... The last room in the
house I want to see is a kitchen.

The kitchen is the last
room you're gonna see.

Whoa, whoa. Shouldn't
you tell your Daddy I'm here?

- Oh, don't worry. He'll be right down.
- Okay. Take me to your kitchen.

Now then, that's the sink,
refrigerator, stove and a table.

Yep. This is the
kitchen all right.

And wait till you
see what's out here.

What's out there?
It's a surprise.

Surprise!

[Mr. Drummond] Hello!
Where is everybody? Hello.

[Lucille Pounding On
Door] Hey! What is this?

Hey, Arnold. What
is all that banging?

What banging?
[Pounding Continues]

Oh! That banging.

[Pounding Continues]
Hey, come on. Let me in.

- Who is that?
- Ooh, uh... Maybe it's a burglar.

- Knocking on the door?
- Maybe it's a dumb burglar?

Hello. Can I help you?

[Laughs] Now that's a
switch. A white butler.

I beg your pardon?

[Huffs] Arnold, why
did you lock me out?

Lock you out? Hey,
what's goin' on here?

It was an accident. The
door slipped out of my hand.

[Scoffs] Would you please
go tell Mr. Drummond...

that Lucille, his date, is here?

You're my date?

You're Philip Drummond? I
didn't know you were white.

I didn't know you were black.

Well, now that we know
what everybody's color is,

I'll go water the
plant in the elevator.

Oh! Not so fast.
I broke my heel.

I'm sorry. And I'm real
sorry about the mistake.

Boy, is our dad gonna
be glad to see you.

No, he won't. [Doorbell Chimes]

Arnold, are you crazy?
What'd you do that for?

I couldn't get rid of the other
lady, Willis. Dad's with her now.

Oh, no.

[Doorbell Chimes]
Arnold, I want to talk to you.

- Willis, get the door.
- [Phone Rings]

Excuse me. Hello? Yes, Roger.

What are you talking
about? My date's right here.

- [Doorbell Chimes]
- Willis, I told you
to get the door.

Roger, I told you,
she's right here.

Would you mind telling Roger that I
am not in Chicago and you're right here?

Hello, Roger? He's not in
Chicago, and I'm right here.

Roger, whatever you're drinking,
you've had enough. Good-bye.

[Doorbell Chimes] Willis, what
have you got against opening doors?

We three are gonna have
a very big talk right away.

- Are you Philip Drummond?
- Not if you're gonna hit me.

Well, you certainly got
back from Chicago in a hurry.

Why does everybody
think I went to Chicago?

To check out the White Sox.

Maybe it was the Cubs.

I got it. She probably
knows Roger.

Oh, I sure do. Hey, listen, I am tired of
these games. I mean, I don't need this.

I've had a hard day, and
on top of it, I break my shoe.

Oh, that is the last time that I
let Roger fix me up with a date.

- Roger? Are you
my date for tonight?
- Yes.

Uh, Willis, maybe there's
still time to catch that movie.

Why? We got a
horror show right here.

Now listen, boys. I want to
know what is going on here.

Mr. Drummond, I think
I know what happened.

Your boys phoned me today to see if I could
find you a companion for this evening.

I'm from Friendly
Mate, a dating service.

Dating service?

Dad, we thought
that you were lonely,

so we wanted to find you a date.

And then your friend
Roger got you a date.

So we had to get
rid of one of 'em,

because at your age, you
can't handle two women.

That's very considerate
of you, Arnold.

I'm sorry I locked you out back.

And I'm sorry I slammed
the door on your front.

And I apologize
to both of you too.

Well, you were just trying
to be nice to your father.

I forgive you. So do I.

Well, you're both very kind.

Now, boys, I know that you did
what you did out of love for me,

but from now on, I'll find
my own dates, okay? Okay.

And speaking of dates, I'd
like to apologize to both of you.

Would you two lovely ladies
please have dinner with me tonight?

I'd love to, if I could just find
a restaurant that serves heels.

We'll find it. Lucille?

Count me in. Two's company,
but with three, you get egg roll.

Let's go, ladies.
Good night, boys.

[Arnold] Good night. Bye!

[Together] Whew.

Well, Arnold, we lucked out.

Dad's got two dates, and
one's black and one's white.

Now that's what
I call integration.

Yeah. I wonder if Dad's
gonna bus 'em to dinner.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Mmm ♪♪

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