Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Relative - full transcript
A relative of the boys comes to visit from Detroit. She plans to stay only a night, but then fakes an injury and quickly overstays her welcome.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot, so what?
♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ 'Cause it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪
Here's your Electric
Company, and change.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Boy, this is my kind of game!
I own the railroads, the
Park Place, the Boardwalk,
the Electric Company, two
hotels and the Water Works.
I think you cornered the market.
Roll 'em, Big D. Mmm-hmm.
Four.
Uh-oh. I landed on
Arnold's Boardwalk.
That'll be 2,000 clams, please.
All right, 500,
1,000, 1,500, 2,000.
Hey, gang, excuse me for
interrupting big business,
but I've got some big news.
There's a lady on her
way up to see you boys.
She told the doorman
she's a relative.
A relative?
I knew the minute I got
rich, they'd start showing up.
Boys, I thought you
didn't have any relatives.
We don't.
Hey, remember that lady we
used to call Cousin Fat Stuff,
and she weighed, oh, 700 pounds?
You mean the blimp? Mmm.
She wasn't really
a relative, Arnold.
That's good. She used to
give us slobbery kisses and say,
"My, oh, my, what a
cute little dickens you are."
That was truly a
terrifying experience.
Getting kissed by her was like
taking a shower with your clothes on.
Oh, God.
Well, I think it's terrific that
you boys might have a relative.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I mean, it's a long time since you've
seen someone of your own flesh and blood.
That would be nice.
Yeah, I can't wait to meet
her and see what she looks like
running around in our flesh
and blood. WILLIS: Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Well, all right, why don't
you answer the door?
Okay. You go ahead.
Willis? Arnold?
I'm Willis, he's Arnold.
I'm Arnold, he's Willis.
It's me!
How you doing? I'm so happy
to see you. Oh, yeah, come on in.
Oh, just fine. Sit over here.
Tell me all about yourself.
Where you've been?
How was your day?
Just beautiful, just beautiful.
Can I ask you a
question? Ask away, honey.
Who are you?
I'm your cousin Myrtle
Waters from Detroit.
Hi, Cousin Myrtle
Waters from Detroit.
What's buzzing, cousin?
Willis, you're such a
handsome young man.
And, Arnold, you're
just a sweetie pie.
Easy on the cheeks.
I'm gonna need a
cheek transplant.
How do you do, Mrs.
Waters? I'm Philip Drummond.
Oh! You're the nice young man
who took my little cousins
in in their time of need.
Watch your cheeks, Mr. D.
Mrs. Waters, I'd like you
to meet our housekeeper.
This is Mrs. Garrett.
How do you do, Mrs. Waters?
My, what a beautiful smile.
Oh, well, if you wanted to get
on my good side, you just did it.
Would you like a cup
of coffee or something?
Oh, no, thank you.
Don't care for a thing.
Please take off your
coat and sit down.
Thank you. Mmm-hmm.
Willis, you've grown
into quite a young man.
Thank you.
And, Arnold, you're
just a cute little gumdrop.
Honey, I was right there with
your mama when you were born.
You know, you came early.
You were a seven-month baby.
No wonder he's so little.
He was never finished.
You ever been belted
by a 40-pound gumdrop?
Will you be in town
for long, Mrs. Waters?
That's Miss Waters. Oh.
No, I'm just passing through.
I just got in town yesterday,
and I heard about their
mother going to her glory.
Her glory!
So I decided to come by to
see if you were doing okay
by my cousin Lucy
May's sweet little babies.
Well, I certainly am trying.
Mr. D treats us great, Cousin
Myrtle, like our real papa.
We're living great, dressing
great and feeling great.
Hey, Willis, you left out
one "great." What's that?
Eating great.
That's fine, just fine, boys.
But what about school?
You like going to school?
Oh, yeah, we like going to school
and coming back from school.
We just don't like
what's in between.
No offense, Mr. Drummond,
but sometimes you have to
encourage the boys to go to school.
Oh, I do, I do, all the time.
And what about church?
I can assure you, the
boys pray every Sunday.
Yeah, but Mrs. Garrett
makes us go to church anyway.
Bless her and praise the lord.
Did you know their
mother, Lucy May, very well?
If we were any closer, we
could wear the same girdle.
Oh, by the way, I have some
pictures of me and your mama.
Can I see one? Can I see one?
(EXCLAIMS) Let me see one.
Now, this is a picture of me
and your mama in Central Park.
Wasn't mama pretty?
Look, Arnold.
(SIGHS)
I'll bet mama's the
prettiest lady in heaven.
Your mother was a
very special lady, boys.
And here's one of me and
your mama on Coney Island.
Look, Arnold, mama's wearing a
Coney Island T-shirt and a funny hat.
Look.
Cousin Myrtle, did mama win that
dumb-looking doll she's holding?
That's no doll,
Arnold, that's you.
Cute little devil, wasn't I?
You boys can keep
the pictures, if you like.
Can we? Thanks. That's
good. All right. Oh, thank you.
That's very thoughtful
of you, Miss Waters.
I'm so glad to see you
boys living in such high style.
This is one beautiful penthouse.
Why, thank you.
You know, when I was a
kid, I lived in a penthouse, too.
You did?
It was an orange
crate on top of a roof.
I still remember when it rained,
I had the first
waterbed in Harlem.
Miss Waters, tell me, how are
you related to Willis and Arnold?
Well, it was like this. Their
mother and me was cousins,
cousins of cousins, so if we were
cousins of each other's cousins,
that makes us
cousins to each other,
which makes me and the
boys cousins once removed.
Till you came along, we thought
all our relatives was removed.
Willis sure has a fine sense
of humor, doesn't he, Arnold?
Yeah, and that's about it.
As you can see, both the
boys have a funny bone.
Well, I've imposed on your
hospitality long enough, Mr. Drummond.
Oh, not at all.
Well, like I said, I just came by
to see if the boys were doing okay,
and they certainly
are. Yes, indeed.
They're living high on the hog.
You hear that, Willis?
We're living high on the hog!
Well, I gotta be going, boys.
Please don't go.
You just got here.
Don't go. Stay, please.
But it's around your dinnertime.
That's okay. Yeah.
By the way, Mr. Drummond,
do you know a nice little
restaurant where I could get
a soup, salad, sandwich,
a cup of coffee and dessert
for about a buck and a half?
No, I've got a much better idea.
Why don't you stay
and have dinner with us?
Well, that's awful nice of
you, but I wouldn't think of it.
Really, we'd enjoy having you.
BOTH: Yeah, come on,
stay, please? I couldn't.
Please stay. I shouldn't.
I want you to. I can't.
All right, then.
Well, if you insist.
Wonderful. Mrs. Garrett!
You're so nice,
Mr. Drummond. So nice.
Not at all. Yes?
Miss Waters is
joining us for dinner.
Good.
Do you think you'll have
enough, Mrs. Garrett?
Sure, there's always enough
for one more at our table.
If not, I'll use smaller plates.
Mr. Drummond,
you're so persuasive,
but I insist on helping
Mrs. Garrett with the dinner.
Oh, no, now, there's no need...
Now, don't try to talk me out of it
'cause I can talk faster than a preacher.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this is beautiful.
Sure hope she's cooking some
black-eyed peas and pig tails.
'Cause my body's at
ease with black-eyed peas.
Well, boys, your cousin Myrtle
certainly is a nice lady, isn't she?
Oh, yeah, except
for the pinching.
If I was an Indian, they'd
call me Wounded Cheek.
And I'd be Fractured Face.
Now, listen, boys, you know, your cousin
said something that got me to thinking.
What? What's that?
Well, have you got any complaints
about the way I'm bringing you up?
Of course not, Mr. D
Everything's real cool.
Yeah, except for a few little
things could stand improving.
Yeah, such as what?
Oh, such as doubling
our allowance.
Doubling? What have
you done to earn that?
You better drop the subject before
we end up owing him a refund.
Thanks, Mrs. Waters, but
you're a guest here tonight.
Come on, now, you just sit down
and enjoy your visit with the boys.
Thank you, but I just can't wait
to get to that meatloaf of yours.
The aroma is music to my nose.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, I hope it hits the
Top 40 with your stomach.
Oh, by the way,
Mr. Drummond... Yes?
Could you recommend a nice
little hotel for about $8 or $9 a night?
If I skip breakfast and lunch,
I may be able to pay $10.
Well, I'm afraid if you
want a New York hotel room
on that kind of a budget, you'll
have to skip every meal for a year.
Park bench, here I come.
What am I gonna do?
I'll tell you what
you're going to do.
My daughter Kimberly
is away at school.
You're going to use
her room tonight.
Yeah, good idea.
That's a great idea.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
We'd love having you.
I couldn't.
Please stay. I shouldn't.
I want you to. I can't.
All right, then.
Oh, if you insist.
Then it's all settled.
All right. That's great.
BOTH: I'm so
glad you're staying!
Now, where's your luggage?
There it is, over there.
I get all my luggage
at the supermarket.
Gee, this is gonna be wonderful!
Now, I can get a chance to
be with my sweet little cousins.
I may end up with
a face with no sides.
Good morning, Mrs.
Garrett. Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
Good morning, boys.
Where's cousin Myrtle?
She ate already.
She's packing, ready to
leave. She's such a sweet lady.
She can't stand the thought
of imposing on Mr. Drummond.
I'm sure glad she came to visit.
Me, too. But my cheeks
have mixed emotions.
Boys, Mrs. Garrett,
Cousin Myrtle's leaving.
(ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
I'm sorry about that.
BOTH: Can't you stay
for a little while longer?
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Mr. Drummond, last night
was the happiest night of my life.
My bed was so soft, my
backside hates to say goodbye.
It was a pleasure, and
we're gonna miss you.
Yeah, we sure are.
Yeah, we're gonna miss you.
Look at those two precious little
darlings just waiting to say goodbye to me.
Don't forget the precious
big darling in the middle.
I was hoping for the best for the
boys, and the Lord turned it out that way.
Mr. Drummond, thank you for the
fine life you've given Arnold and Willis.
Blessings on this
house. Hallelujah!
It's a pleasure, Miss Waters.
Mrs. Garrett, it's been
a joy knowing you.
Same here, Cousin Myrtle.
Goodbye, and
blessings on this house.
See you all again. I hope soon.
I don't know when,
but I hope soon.
Whiplash!
(ALL CLAMORING)
The pain is excruciating!
I'll call the doctor.
I don't know how long I'll
have to be in this house.
Might be a month or a
year. Might be forever.
(GROANING)
I never saw a woman eat
so much before in my life.
Oh, Lord, how much more is
she gonna want before dinner?
Good afternoon, Mrs. Garrett.
How's Cousin Myrtle doing?
Mr. Drummond, she
may have a bad neck,
but there's nothing
wrong with her mouth.
In the two days she's been here,
there haven't been
any leftovers left over.
Now, now, now, Mrs. Garrett,
please, a little compassion.
She's the only
relative the boys have.
Come on, Mr. Drummond.
Did you see that fall she took?
Yes, I did.
The only other woman who ever
took a fall like that was Uncle Miltie.
Actually, the x-rays showed
that nothing was broken.
But it did seem to me that she hollered
"whiplash" before she hit the floor.
(EXCLAIMING)
Well, I wouldn't want the
boys to know anything about it,
so let's give her the
benefit of the doubt, okay?
She's their only relative and she loves
them, and they love having her here.
And that's the most
important thing.
Easy, boys, easy.
I wonder if they give
Oscars for whiplash.
Oh, easy, boys.
Don't whip up my lash,
now, don't whip up my lash.
(GROANING)
Wait, stop, stop.
What's the matter?
I think my backbone
disconnected from my neck bone.
Well, take another step,
maybe they'll reconnect.
(GROANING)
Don't be afraid to lean
all your weight on me.
Yeah, you can't squash him
anymore than he already is.
Let me give you a
hand, Miss Waters.
Easy, easy does it. All right.
Get me to the hard chair.
Get me to the hard chair.
It'd be better for my neck.
Okay.
Easy, now, easy.
Sure do hurt when I move.
Now, just try and relax. Is there
something we can get for you?
Not a thing, unless
it's another cup of tea.
Mrs. Garrett would love to
get you another cup of tea.
Yes, Mrs. Garrett
would love that.
As long as you're in
the kitchen, honey...
I know. A ham sandwich with
cheese, pickle, tomato, lettuce
and hold the mayo.
I hate to have your maid waiting
on me hand and foot, Mr. Drummond.
But it sure feel good.
Well, the important
thing is for you to get well.
Now, if you'll just excuse me for a minute,
I have some work I have to do in my den.
You boys are sure
lucky. He's so nice.
Can I get you a pillow or
something, Cousin Myrtle?
Now, that's strange. Why
does a pillow remind me of food?
So far, we ain't run
into anything that don't.
Mrs. Garrett! Sure
do hurt when I yell.
Mrs. Garrett!
You called?
Honey, would you be sure to
toast the bread on that sandwich?
But not like the toast this morning.
It was too brown for my taste.
Make it like you did yesterday.
I'll try, and next time, save a
swatch, and I'll see if I can match it.
Would you run upstairs to
my room and get my magazine,
and bring me some writing paper?
Sure, Cousin Myrtle.
Cousin Myrtle, how long you
gonna be wearing that neck brace?
Probably the rest
of my life, son.
It's sure gonna make it rough
on your big Adam's apple.
Myrtle, from now on,
you're gonna be living on the
sunny side of the street. Oh, yes.
Arnold, I want to talk to you.
Big brother to little brother.
Something new going down
with the birds and the bees?
Nothing like that, Arnold.
See, you're just a little kid, so
you wouldn't notice things like me.
Because I'm older.
I would if they made
the keyholes lower.
You don't have the experience
to know what's happening.
Let me tell you something
about Cousin Myrtle.
She fell down on purpose
and she's trying to rip off Mr. D.
Who told you?
Nobody had to tell me.
I got a mind, you know.
Only reason I'm this little is 'cause
my brain is weighing me down.
Arnold, it's so obvious that Cousin
Myrtle's faking about her neck.
And I feel bad because she's a
relative and she's mooching off Mr. D.
Yeah, and Mr. D's too nice
to see what Myrtle is doing.
Right, 'cause he ain't
from the streets, and
he ain't used to
meeting people like that.
He got a bad break not
being born in Harlem.
What we got to do is make her
move her neck in front of Mr. D,
so he'll know that she's faking.
Hey, I got something.
How about slipping some itching
powder into her neck brace?
No, Arnold, what we
gotta do is to scare her.
What you talkin' about, Willis?
Hey, I got it. I know how to
make her jump through the ceiling.
You feeling better, Miss Waters?
It's much better, except
for the excruciating pain.
Here's your magazine,
Cousin Myrtle.
Thank you, baby.
And Arnold's bringing down
the pencil and writing paper.
Thank you.
Dinner will be served
in an hour, Miss Waters.
I hope this will
hold you till then.
What's the matter with
you, woman? You crazy?
Arnold, what are you doing?
Come down here! Yes, sir.
Willis, are you in on this?
Before I tell you, can
I call my attorney?
Oh, why did you boys do that?
You scared me half to death.
It didn't do nothing for
my sandwich, either.
What in the world has
gotten into you two?
That was a terrible thing to do.
Mr. Drummond, we weren't
trying to scare Mrs. Garrett.
We wanted to scare
Cousin Myrtle. Why?
So she'd jump off the
chair and through the ceiling.
We think Cousin Myrtle's
faking about her neck,
and we don't want any
cousin of ours ripping you off.
Well, I am shocked
at your behavior.
You could have
hurt Mrs. Garrett.
Now, I want you to go
apologize to her. Go on, I mean it.
We apologize, Mrs.
Garrett. I'm sorry.
Oh, you don't have to
apologize to me, boys.
Okay, we un-apologize.
Mr. Drummond, can't you see? Your
boys were just trying to protect you.
Well, I can protect myself. I ought
to ground you two for a whole month.
No television, no
stereo, no movies.
Just ground us,
don't end our lives.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Drummond, wait a minute.
Don't punish them. I'm the
one who should apologize.
Please don't take
it out on the boys.
They were only protecting you.
Look at that. She
didn't lash her whip.
I have been faking it.
When I saw how wonderful
you are to the boys,
I said to myself, "Myrtle,
for the first time in your life,
"that's the birds of happiness
flying over your head,
"and not those pigeons."
So I tried to get a
taste of the good life.
But when I seen how much
the boys really loved you,
I was too ashamed
to go on with it.
Well, Miss Waters, I understand,
and there's nothing for
you to be ashamed of.
You're still a cousin
in good standing.
Thank you.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please forgive me, too?
I'm very sorry.
As far as I'm concerned,
Cousin Myrtle,
my refrigerator's
always open to you.
Bless you.
Could you boys forgive me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
Yeah, so do me and my spider.
Mr. Drummond, if I hadn't
lost my job in Detroit,
I would have never
tried to pull this.
So now I'll get
out of your hair.
Just a minute. What
kind of work do you do?
Well, I can't be fussy.
Well, I have this friend in Detroit
who's in the insurance business.
Maybe he could
find a job for you.
I accept.
Doing what?
I don't know, but I think you'd be very
good checking out false accident claims.
Love that man.
One new ham sandwich
coming up for Cousin Myrtle.
Mr. D, is Arnold and me
in trouble over this spider?
Well, in view of the circumstances,
let's just say we can forget it.
All right!
And I'll say what
Cousin Myrtle just said.
Love that man!
Blessed be the ties
that bind, brother!
(EXCLAIMS)
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot, so what?
♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ 'Cause it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪
Here's your Electric
Company, and change.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Boy, this is my kind of game!
I own the railroads, the
Park Place, the Boardwalk,
the Electric Company, two
hotels and the Water Works.
I think you cornered the market.
Roll 'em, Big D. Mmm-hmm.
Four.
Uh-oh. I landed on
Arnold's Boardwalk.
That'll be 2,000 clams, please.
All right, 500,
1,000, 1,500, 2,000.
Hey, gang, excuse me for
interrupting big business,
but I've got some big news.
There's a lady on her
way up to see you boys.
She told the doorman
she's a relative.
A relative?
I knew the minute I got
rich, they'd start showing up.
Boys, I thought you
didn't have any relatives.
We don't.
Hey, remember that lady we
used to call Cousin Fat Stuff,
and she weighed, oh, 700 pounds?
You mean the blimp? Mmm.
She wasn't really
a relative, Arnold.
That's good. She used to
give us slobbery kisses and say,
"My, oh, my, what a
cute little dickens you are."
That was truly a
terrifying experience.
Getting kissed by her was like
taking a shower with your clothes on.
Oh, God.
Well, I think it's terrific that
you boys might have a relative.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I mean, it's a long time since you've
seen someone of your own flesh and blood.
That would be nice.
Yeah, I can't wait to meet
her and see what she looks like
running around in our flesh
and blood. WILLIS: Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Well, all right, why don't
you answer the door?
Okay. You go ahead.
Willis? Arnold?
I'm Willis, he's Arnold.
I'm Arnold, he's Willis.
It's me!
How you doing? I'm so happy
to see you. Oh, yeah, come on in.
Oh, just fine. Sit over here.
Tell me all about yourself.
Where you've been?
How was your day?
Just beautiful, just beautiful.
Can I ask you a
question? Ask away, honey.
Who are you?
I'm your cousin Myrtle
Waters from Detroit.
Hi, Cousin Myrtle
Waters from Detroit.
What's buzzing, cousin?
Willis, you're such a
handsome young man.
And, Arnold, you're
just a sweetie pie.
Easy on the cheeks.
I'm gonna need a
cheek transplant.
How do you do, Mrs.
Waters? I'm Philip Drummond.
Oh! You're the nice young man
who took my little cousins
in in their time of need.
Watch your cheeks, Mr. D.
Mrs. Waters, I'd like you
to meet our housekeeper.
This is Mrs. Garrett.
How do you do, Mrs. Waters?
My, what a beautiful smile.
Oh, well, if you wanted to get
on my good side, you just did it.
Would you like a cup
of coffee or something?
Oh, no, thank you.
Don't care for a thing.
Please take off your
coat and sit down.
Thank you. Mmm-hmm.
Willis, you've grown
into quite a young man.
Thank you.
And, Arnold, you're
just a cute little gumdrop.
Honey, I was right there with
your mama when you were born.
You know, you came early.
You were a seven-month baby.
No wonder he's so little.
He was never finished.
You ever been belted
by a 40-pound gumdrop?
Will you be in town
for long, Mrs. Waters?
That's Miss Waters. Oh.
No, I'm just passing through.
I just got in town yesterday,
and I heard about their
mother going to her glory.
Her glory!
So I decided to come by to
see if you were doing okay
by my cousin Lucy
May's sweet little babies.
Well, I certainly am trying.
Mr. D treats us great, Cousin
Myrtle, like our real papa.
We're living great, dressing
great and feeling great.
Hey, Willis, you left out
one "great." What's that?
Eating great.
That's fine, just fine, boys.
But what about school?
You like going to school?
Oh, yeah, we like going to school
and coming back from school.
We just don't like
what's in between.
No offense, Mr. Drummond,
but sometimes you have to
encourage the boys to go to school.
Oh, I do, I do, all the time.
And what about church?
I can assure you, the
boys pray every Sunday.
Yeah, but Mrs. Garrett
makes us go to church anyway.
Bless her and praise the lord.
Did you know their
mother, Lucy May, very well?
If we were any closer, we
could wear the same girdle.
Oh, by the way, I have some
pictures of me and your mama.
Can I see one? Can I see one?
(EXCLAIMS) Let me see one.
Now, this is a picture of me
and your mama in Central Park.
Wasn't mama pretty?
Look, Arnold.
(SIGHS)
I'll bet mama's the
prettiest lady in heaven.
Your mother was a
very special lady, boys.
And here's one of me and
your mama on Coney Island.
Look, Arnold, mama's wearing a
Coney Island T-shirt and a funny hat.
Look.
Cousin Myrtle, did mama win that
dumb-looking doll she's holding?
That's no doll,
Arnold, that's you.
Cute little devil, wasn't I?
You boys can keep
the pictures, if you like.
Can we? Thanks. That's
good. All right. Oh, thank you.
That's very thoughtful
of you, Miss Waters.
I'm so glad to see you
boys living in such high style.
This is one beautiful penthouse.
Why, thank you.
You know, when I was a
kid, I lived in a penthouse, too.
You did?
It was an orange
crate on top of a roof.
I still remember when it rained,
I had the first
waterbed in Harlem.
Miss Waters, tell me, how are
you related to Willis and Arnold?
Well, it was like this. Their
mother and me was cousins,
cousins of cousins, so if we were
cousins of each other's cousins,
that makes us
cousins to each other,
which makes me and the
boys cousins once removed.
Till you came along, we thought
all our relatives was removed.
Willis sure has a fine sense
of humor, doesn't he, Arnold?
Yeah, and that's about it.
As you can see, both the
boys have a funny bone.
Well, I've imposed on your
hospitality long enough, Mr. Drummond.
Oh, not at all.
Well, like I said, I just came by
to see if the boys were doing okay,
and they certainly
are. Yes, indeed.
They're living high on the hog.
You hear that, Willis?
We're living high on the hog!
Well, I gotta be going, boys.
Please don't go.
You just got here.
Don't go. Stay, please.
But it's around your dinnertime.
That's okay. Yeah.
By the way, Mr. Drummond,
do you know a nice little
restaurant where I could get
a soup, salad, sandwich,
a cup of coffee and dessert
for about a buck and a half?
No, I've got a much better idea.
Why don't you stay
and have dinner with us?
Well, that's awful nice of
you, but I wouldn't think of it.
Really, we'd enjoy having you.
BOTH: Yeah, come on,
stay, please? I couldn't.
Please stay. I shouldn't.
I want you to. I can't.
All right, then.
Well, if you insist.
Wonderful. Mrs. Garrett!
You're so nice,
Mr. Drummond. So nice.
Not at all. Yes?
Miss Waters is
joining us for dinner.
Good.
Do you think you'll have
enough, Mrs. Garrett?
Sure, there's always enough
for one more at our table.
If not, I'll use smaller plates.
Mr. Drummond,
you're so persuasive,
but I insist on helping
Mrs. Garrett with the dinner.
Oh, no, now, there's no need...
Now, don't try to talk me out of it
'cause I can talk faster than a preacher.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this is beautiful.
Sure hope she's cooking some
black-eyed peas and pig tails.
'Cause my body's at
ease with black-eyed peas.
Well, boys, your cousin Myrtle
certainly is a nice lady, isn't she?
Oh, yeah, except
for the pinching.
If I was an Indian, they'd
call me Wounded Cheek.
And I'd be Fractured Face.
Now, listen, boys, you know, your cousin
said something that got me to thinking.
What? What's that?
Well, have you got any complaints
about the way I'm bringing you up?
Of course not, Mr. D
Everything's real cool.
Yeah, except for a few little
things could stand improving.
Yeah, such as what?
Oh, such as doubling
our allowance.
Doubling? What have
you done to earn that?
You better drop the subject before
we end up owing him a refund.
Thanks, Mrs. Waters, but
you're a guest here tonight.
Come on, now, you just sit down
and enjoy your visit with the boys.
Thank you, but I just can't wait
to get to that meatloaf of yours.
The aroma is music to my nose.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, I hope it hits the
Top 40 with your stomach.
Oh, by the way,
Mr. Drummond... Yes?
Could you recommend a nice
little hotel for about $8 or $9 a night?
If I skip breakfast and lunch,
I may be able to pay $10.
Well, I'm afraid if you
want a New York hotel room
on that kind of a budget, you'll
have to skip every meal for a year.
Park bench, here I come.
What am I gonna do?
I'll tell you what
you're going to do.
My daughter Kimberly
is away at school.
You're going to use
her room tonight.
Yeah, good idea.
That's a great idea.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
We'd love having you.
I couldn't.
Please stay. I shouldn't.
I want you to. I can't.
All right, then.
Oh, if you insist.
Then it's all settled.
All right. That's great.
BOTH: I'm so
glad you're staying!
Now, where's your luggage?
There it is, over there.
I get all my luggage
at the supermarket.
Gee, this is gonna be wonderful!
Now, I can get a chance to
be with my sweet little cousins.
I may end up with
a face with no sides.
Good morning, Mrs.
Garrett. Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
Good morning, boys.
Where's cousin Myrtle?
She ate already.
She's packing, ready to
leave. She's such a sweet lady.
She can't stand the thought
of imposing on Mr. Drummond.
I'm sure glad she came to visit.
Me, too. But my cheeks
have mixed emotions.
Boys, Mrs. Garrett,
Cousin Myrtle's leaving.
(ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
I'm sorry about that.
BOTH: Can't you stay
for a little while longer?
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Mr. Drummond, last night
was the happiest night of my life.
My bed was so soft, my
backside hates to say goodbye.
It was a pleasure, and
we're gonna miss you.
Yeah, we sure are.
Yeah, we're gonna miss you.
Look at those two precious little
darlings just waiting to say goodbye to me.
Don't forget the precious
big darling in the middle.
I was hoping for the best for the
boys, and the Lord turned it out that way.
Mr. Drummond, thank you for the
fine life you've given Arnold and Willis.
Blessings on this
house. Hallelujah!
It's a pleasure, Miss Waters.
Mrs. Garrett, it's been
a joy knowing you.
Same here, Cousin Myrtle.
Goodbye, and
blessings on this house.
See you all again. I hope soon.
I don't know when,
but I hope soon.
Whiplash!
(ALL CLAMORING)
The pain is excruciating!
I'll call the doctor.
I don't know how long I'll
have to be in this house.
Might be a month or a
year. Might be forever.
(GROANING)
I never saw a woman eat
so much before in my life.
Oh, Lord, how much more is
she gonna want before dinner?
Good afternoon, Mrs. Garrett.
How's Cousin Myrtle doing?
Mr. Drummond, she
may have a bad neck,
but there's nothing
wrong with her mouth.
In the two days she's been here,
there haven't been
any leftovers left over.
Now, now, now, Mrs. Garrett,
please, a little compassion.
She's the only
relative the boys have.
Come on, Mr. Drummond.
Did you see that fall she took?
Yes, I did.
The only other woman who ever
took a fall like that was Uncle Miltie.
Actually, the x-rays showed
that nothing was broken.
But it did seem to me that she hollered
"whiplash" before she hit the floor.
(EXCLAIMING)
Well, I wouldn't want the
boys to know anything about it,
so let's give her the
benefit of the doubt, okay?
She's their only relative and she loves
them, and they love having her here.
And that's the most
important thing.
Easy, boys, easy.
I wonder if they give
Oscars for whiplash.
Oh, easy, boys.
Don't whip up my lash,
now, don't whip up my lash.
(GROANING)
Wait, stop, stop.
What's the matter?
I think my backbone
disconnected from my neck bone.
Well, take another step,
maybe they'll reconnect.
(GROANING)
Don't be afraid to lean
all your weight on me.
Yeah, you can't squash him
anymore than he already is.
Let me give you a
hand, Miss Waters.
Easy, easy does it. All right.
Get me to the hard chair.
Get me to the hard chair.
It'd be better for my neck.
Okay.
Easy, now, easy.
Sure do hurt when I move.
Now, just try and relax. Is there
something we can get for you?
Not a thing, unless
it's another cup of tea.
Mrs. Garrett would love to
get you another cup of tea.
Yes, Mrs. Garrett
would love that.
As long as you're in
the kitchen, honey...
I know. A ham sandwich with
cheese, pickle, tomato, lettuce
and hold the mayo.
I hate to have your maid waiting
on me hand and foot, Mr. Drummond.
But it sure feel good.
Well, the important
thing is for you to get well.
Now, if you'll just excuse me for a minute,
I have some work I have to do in my den.
You boys are sure
lucky. He's so nice.
Can I get you a pillow or
something, Cousin Myrtle?
Now, that's strange. Why
does a pillow remind me of food?
So far, we ain't run
into anything that don't.
Mrs. Garrett! Sure
do hurt when I yell.
Mrs. Garrett!
You called?
Honey, would you be sure to
toast the bread on that sandwich?
But not like the toast this morning.
It was too brown for my taste.
Make it like you did yesterday.
I'll try, and next time, save a
swatch, and I'll see if I can match it.
Would you run upstairs to
my room and get my magazine,
and bring me some writing paper?
Sure, Cousin Myrtle.
Cousin Myrtle, how long you
gonna be wearing that neck brace?
Probably the rest
of my life, son.
It's sure gonna make it rough
on your big Adam's apple.
Myrtle, from now on,
you're gonna be living on the
sunny side of the street. Oh, yes.
Arnold, I want to talk to you.
Big brother to little brother.
Something new going down
with the birds and the bees?
Nothing like that, Arnold.
See, you're just a little kid, so
you wouldn't notice things like me.
Because I'm older.
I would if they made
the keyholes lower.
You don't have the experience
to know what's happening.
Let me tell you something
about Cousin Myrtle.
She fell down on purpose
and she's trying to rip off Mr. D.
Who told you?
Nobody had to tell me.
I got a mind, you know.
Only reason I'm this little is 'cause
my brain is weighing me down.
Arnold, it's so obvious that Cousin
Myrtle's faking about her neck.
And I feel bad because she's a
relative and she's mooching off Mr. D.
Yeah, and Mr. D's too nice
to see what Myrtle is doing.
Right, 'cause he ain't
from the streets, and
he ain't used to
meeting people like that.
He got a bad break not
being born in Harlem.
What we got to do is make her
move her neck in front of Mr. D,
so he'll know that she's faking.
Hey, I got something.
How about slipping some itching
powder into her neck brace?
No, Arnold, what we
gotta do is to scare her.
What you talkin' about, Willis?
Hey, I got it. I know how to
make her jump through the ceiling.
You feeling better, Miss Waters?
It's much better, except
for the excruciating pain.
Here's your magazine,
Cousin Myrtle.
Thank you, baby.
And Arnold's bringing down
the pencil and writing paper.
Thank you.
Dinner will be served
in an hour, Miss Waters.
I hope this will
hold you till then.
What's the matter with
you, woman? You crazy?
Arnold, what are you doing?
Come down here! Yes, sir.
Willis, are you in on this?
Before I tell you, can
I call my attorney?
Oh, why did you boys do that?
You scared me half to death.
It didn't do nothing for
my sandwich, either.
What in the world has
gotten into you two?
That was a terrible thing to do.
Mr. Drummond, we weren't
trying to scare Mrs. Garrett.
We wanted to scare
Cousin Myrtle. Why?
So she'd jump off the
chair and through the ceiling.
We think Cousin Myrtle's
faking about her neck,
and we don't want any
cousin of ours ripping you off.
Well, I am shocked
at your behavior.
You could have
hurt Mrs. Garrett.
Now, I want you to go
apologize to her. Go on, I mean it.
We apologize, Mrs.
Garrett. I'm sorry.
Oh, you don't have to
apologize to me, boys.
Okay, we un-apologize.
Mr. Drummond, can't you see? Your
boys were just trying to protect you.
Well, I can protect myself. I ought
to ground you two for a whole month.
No television, no
stereo, no movies.
Just ground us,
don't end our lives.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Drummond, wait a minute.
Don't punish them. I'm the
one who should apologize.
Please don't take
it out on the boys.
They were only protecting you.
Look at that. She
didn't lash her whip.
I have been faking it.
When I saw how wonderful
you are to the boys,
I said to myself, "Myrtle,
for the first time in your life,
"that's the birds of happiness
flying over your head,
"and not those pigeons."
So I tried to get a
taste of the good life.
But when I seen how much
the boys really loved you,
I was too ashamed
to go on with it.
Well, Miss Waters, I understand,
and there's nothing for
you to be ashamed of.
You're still a cousin
in good standing.
Thank you.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please forgive me, too?
I'm very sorry.
As far as I'm concerned,
Cousin Myrtle,
my refrigerator's
always open to you.
Bless you.
Could you boys forgive me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
Yeah, so do me and my spider.
Mr. Drummond, if I hadn't
lost my job in Detroit,
I would have never
tried to pull this.
So now I'll get
out of your hair.
Just a minute. What
kind of work do you do?
Well, I can't be fussy.
Well, I have this friend in Detroit
who's in the insurance business.
Maybe he could
find a job for you.
I accept.
Doing what?
I don't know, but I think you'd be very
good checking out false accident claims.
Love that man.
One new ham sandwich
coming up for Cousin Myrtle.
Mr. D, is Arnold and me
in trouble over this spider?
Well, in view of the circumstances,
let's just say we can forget it.
All right!
And I'll say what
Cousin Myrtle just said.
Love that man!
Blessed be the ties
that bind, brother!
(EXCLAIMS)
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪