Detectorists (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript

Excuse me.

- Yeah? - Would you mind taking a
photo? - Sure. - I'll just wind it back.

It's an old... old camera.

- There we are. Just press
that button there. - OK.

- Try and get me with
the... jewel. - Yeah.

Just a sec.

Yeah?

It's important that I get the... the...

♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me,

♪ Climb through the briar and bramble?

♪ I'll be your treasure



♪ I'm waiting for you

♪ I'm waiting for you. ♪

Oh!

Stripy bas... bastard! Ohhh!

Why are you even awake
at this time of year?

Mate!

Bloody hell!

- Hello, mate!
- Ah!

- Oh, I won't... I... spilled a bit
of coffee down my front! - Sure.

So what are you doing here, then?

I thought you were
supposed to be in Botswana.

Yeah, just came back for a
week, pick up some stuff.

- Looks like we're going to be
staying a bit longer. - Yeah?

- So it's all going well, then?
- Mate, it's amazing.



- I've so much to tell you. - And
Becky and Stan? - Yep, they're well.

- They're at home.
- I'll have to come round and say hello.

Oh, no, I meant home, Botswana home.

Bloody hell! Listen to that! Even got
a bit of an accent going on there.

- Shut up! I haven't.
- Yeah!

- But they're both well?
- Yeah, yeah, brilliant. Thriving.

- How are you doing? - Yeah, all right.
Not bad. - Sure? - Yeah, yeah. All good.

Apart from this bloody wasp!

What's a wasp even doing
awake at this time of year?

Strange, isn't it?

Sent here to hound me.

Oh, tell you what...

I went to see the jewel this week.

- It's on temporary display at the
British Museum. - No way! Already?

How does it look?

Well, I'll tell you what it looks like...

It looks like a wild animal
that's been trapped in a cage.

What, you'd prefer it was
still under the ground?

Oh, I don't know, mate.
I can't explain it.

They haven't even given it a name.

It's called R5010ST78.

Catchy(!)

It's been prodded and
poked and catalogued...

Can't even remember what
it felt like in my own hand.

I'm giving a talk about it on
Tuesday at the club. With slides.

Nice one. I'll be there.

There's a journalist coming down
to write about it for the local rag.

- You've become quite the celebrity!
- Oh, yeah.

Thinking of bringing out a perfume range.

- Your reward money?
- Oh, it hasn't come through yet, but...

it's all signed off. Cheque should
be with me in the next few days.

How much?

NNNNGGHHH!

OHHHH!

GAAAAHHHH! UUURGH!

NNNNGHHH!

Here, you can see an artist's
impression of what it would

have looked like with the shaft in place.

It was probably cherry or rosewood.

There may have been a
leather strap attached,

again, long since returned to the earth.

There is talk of replacing
the shaft at some point,

but this is of course ongoing discussion.

And finally...

here she is.

Proudly in her place.

Thank you. Thank you.

A-Any questions?

Who's that?

What do you mean? It's...

It's me!

No, behind you.

Dunno!

Lights, please, Sheila!

Keep away from it!

- No! Russ!
- Jesus!

- For God's sake, Russell, I'm soaked!
- Good work, you fucking idiot!

Oh, that's all the thanks I get, is it?

- You'd be happier in flames, would
you? Honestly! - You all right? - Yeah.

- I don't know why I bother sometimes.
- Look at my jumper!

- I... I didn't see it. - What did
you see, Sheila? - Oh, here he is.

You saw it, didn't you, Lance?

- Saw what? - The hooded figure
in the back of the picture.

No, didn't see anything like that.

- Well, then why did you go deathly white?
- It was looking at you, Lance.

Don't say that, Sheila!

Well, I was at the wrong angle, but
if Sheila says she saw something...

Sheila tends to... see things.

- What sort of things?
- Things that are... not of this world.

Oh, brilliant! That's the
last thing I need right now --

a ghostly hooded monk following me around.

Are you all right, Lance?

I've noticed you've not had anything
on the finds table for months.

I haven't found anything
since that aestel.

Yeah, but, mate, that jewel
is a once-in-a-lifetime.

Nothing is ever going to compare
to that, the usual buttons and...

No, no. You don't understand. I
have found NOTHING since then.

Not a buckle, not a
ring-pull, not even scrap!

I get phantom signals,
really good, strong signals,

and they just disappear
as soon as I start to dig.

- It's the curse of the gold.
- Shut up! No such thing.

Don't be so sure.

Remember what happened to Lenny Drinkwater

when he found that Viking bracelet?

He didn't fill in his hole.

Beryl Cambridge stepped in
the hole, breaks an ankle.

- Break goes gangrene. - Leg comes
off below the knee. Curse of the gold.

Well, it's not only that.

I got hayfever for the first
time in my life this summer.

And I've started stumbling over rocks
and tripping into nettles and...

I can't remember birdsong any more.

And then there's this! A wasp.

In December?!

You know the exact point it stung me?

In the face?

When you mentioned the reward money.

- I thought it was him for a moment!
- So did I! I nearly shat meself.

- I think you need to reconnect
to the land, mate. - How?

I think you need to go
back to basics for a while.

- Ditch the CTX, go for something
simpler. Swap with Hugh. - VK30?!

You said it yourself,
it's a good solid detector.

I don't mind trying the VK30, but...

.. I'm not sure about Hugh using the CTX.

Now, come on, if this is about
karma, you've got to do YOUR bit.

- Fine. - Lance Slater? - Stater.
- I've been sent down to interview you.

Oh, yeah, we were... expecting
you earlier on in the Scout Hut.

- Oh. What's it about?
- What's what about?

- The article -- what have you done?
- Well, don't you know?

Well, it'll be in my notes...

- I've unearthed a gold aestel.
- Hm?

It's been acquired by the...

Oh, that's it, the pirate treasure,
got it. I'm at the bar, yeah?

- Don't mention the curse.
- There is no curse.

Yeah, otherwise they'll latch
onto it and make that the story.

- "Local man haunted by
sinister presence." - Yeah.

There is no curse.

So...

- Remind me... what was it you found?
- A late-Saxon jewelled aestel...

It has to be in language a
ten-year-old could understand.

- Pardon? - Can't have too many
big words. - Er... - Like Saxon.

Oh, er... Well, it's a type of... jewel...

- Gold?
- Yeah.

- Diamonds?
- Garnets and glass.

- I'll put diamonds. How much is it worth?
- Um... it's, er...

- Well, the final valuation hasn't
come through yet. - Roughly.

- They reckon about 50,000.
- You get to keep all that?

Half. It's split with the landowner.

What are you going to buy?

- To buy?! - With the money.
Are you going to splash out?

- I haven't thought about it yet.
- Could we say holiday? - Um...

Holiday of a lifetime.

- Oh, OK.
- Where?

- Er... Dorset. - I'll put
Australia. OK, that's great, cheers.

Hm.

Aaagh! Ohhh!

D'oh!

Agh!

Ohhh!

All right, Wayne? Jim about?

I need him to look at my car.

Jim's dead.

Dead?!

Yeah.

- When?
- Couple of weeks back.

- Wh-Why didn't anyone tell me?!
- Dunno.

- What did he die of?
- Dunno.

There's a new mechanic -- Toni.

- Is he in?
- Out there.

Right.

Hello? Tony?

Yep, hello!

With an I.

- Pardon?
- It's Toni with an I.

- You were saying it with a Y.
- I wasn't! - Yes, you were.

- I'm Lance.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh...

- Yes, er, it's about my car.
TR7? - Is that yours? - Yeah.

I love that car.

Thanks. Thank you. Yeah, er...

- I normally do all the work on it myself.
- What's the problem?

- She keeps misfiring. It's got me stumped.
- I can have a look now.

- There's no hurry for this.
- Cheers!

- Haven't seen you around here before.
- I usually do nights.

- I'm at college during the day.
- Oh! What are you studying?

Agricultural college -- farming.

- You want to be a farmer?
- That's the idea.

I spend quite a lot of
time on farmland myself.

That sounds a bit creepy.

- I'm a metal detectorist.
- Oh, that's weird! - What?

- I have no idea what
one of those is. - Oh...

- I thought you were going to
say you were one too! - I know!

That's what I wanted you
to think I was going to say.

It... It only happens now and then

and then it mysteriously clears itself up.

I was going to talk to
Jim about it, but...

I just discovered he's checked out
on us, which is bloody inconvenient.

He has ceased to be.

He's expired and gone
to meet his maker. He...

is an ex-mechanic.

He was your dad, wasn't he?

Yes.

Yes...

I can see that now.

You've got the same...

.. hands...

- Sorry about that. - It's probably one
of your carburettors. - You reckon?

Probably. I'll have a look.

- Want a cup of tea?
- No, thanks.

Yeah, I'll...

I almost wish I'd never found that jewel.

I wish I could go back to the
days before I found gold.

Come on, you don't really believe
there is a curse, do you?

Well, something's going on.

I just want to find SOMETHING.

Small, the usual.

Buttons and buckles, the occasional coin.

Here's Hugh.

- So you're really going to do this?
Hand over the CTX? - I'm up for it.

Anything that gets me out
from under this cloud.

Probably do me good to
downgrade for a bit.

Prove it's not all about the equipment.

Says Captain Equipment
from the 25th century!

Here he is, with his VK30.

- All right? - Ready to
try this baby? - Yeah.

All right, you've got to make sure
you get a good grip on it, all right?

Have you got it?

- Yeah. - Don't pull it,
don't pull it, don't pull it.

And always use the bungee for
support. All right? Have you got it?

- Yeah. - Yeah, cos it's heavier
than what you're used to, you see?

- So, have you got it?
- Yeah.

All right, I'm going to
hand it over to you...

now.

Right, just... just use the
factory default settings.

Don't touch any of the buttons,

cos I've got all my specialist
settings stored in there.

All right, mates, he knows
how to use a detector.

- Let him get on with it.
- Yeah, all right.

- Lunch at 12? - OK, then. - See ya.

Hugh?

Take care of her, mate.

OK.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, mate! Come and see what he's found!

- Come and have a look, mate. You
won't believe it. - What have you got?

It's my first hammered!

Eddie II.

Long Cross.

Congratulations.

- Sorry, Lance. Seems a bit rude.
- No, it's not your fault, mate.

It's the curse of the gold.

Come on, you're not really
swallowing that crud, are you?

How else do you explain it?
Proves it's me, not the detector.

- Like the curse of Tutankhamen.
- Exactly! That's well documented.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

The Egyptian gods were
angry that they were making

money from the treasures.

The curse only ended when they
returned his mummy to the tomb.

Right, well, we don't have a mummy
or a tomb to return it to, so...

Have to get it back.

What's that?

Nothing.

- Right, pub? - Yeah. - Good.

First hammered deserves a pint.

Are you planning on springing
it from its glass case?

What? No!

- I'm joking!
- Oh!

Wait, you were, weren't you?

No!

I'm joking. Twice!

- I'm Alan Chub. I was supposed to
meet you last week. - Oh, right, yes!

Forgot all about it. You came
quite a long way, didn't you?

- Quite a long way, yeah.
- Yeah, good.

Well, there it bloody well is, then!

- Yes. - After 1,000 years,
Mother Earth's secret unearthed.

- Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
- Not really.

It just feels like she's
got one less secret.

I don't think I was supposed to find it.

All those years under the earth,

end up in a hermetically sealed glass box.

Well, who's to say this is the end?

This could be just another
chapter in its story.

It's got a fair few
millennia left to go yet.

Oh, I spoke to the landowner this morning.

He said he's received
his half of the reward.

- I'm assuming you've
got the same. - What?

No. I don't... I don't know.

- I left before the post arrived. - Ah.

- Well, Mr Roach got a cheque through
the post for... - Don't... Don't say!

- Oh! Why not?
- Because something bad will happen.

I'll get an electric shock
or something will fall on us.

What do you mean?

Every time anyone mentions the
money, something bad happens.

Ah! You mean the curse of the gold.

You believe in that?

Look, if you're feeling bad
about taking the money,

we're always open to
charitable donations here.

I mean, we're far too
busy to worry about curses.

Probably half the things
in here are cursed anyway.

That's why we keep them
hermetically sealed in glass cases --

to keep the curses in and
stop you from stealing things.

- Oh, I wasn't going to...
- I'm joking!

- Three times!
- Oh!

Seriously, though, if you did
want to give something back...

You mean...

- like... like a gift?
- A gift, exactly.

Yes!

Yes! Thank you!

- Call my office any time.
- Thank you.

Blackbird.

Hello?

Hey!

- All right?
- Yeah, it's all done.

- It was your head gasket.
- Ah, brilliant!

Thanks a lot.

Listen, er...

- About the other day... Sorry, I
wasn't thinking. - Why? What happened?

About your dad.

What about him?

I called him an ex-mechanic.

Oh... Yeah.

He wasn't really my dad.

- What? - The old mechanic who
died -- Jim, was it? - Yeah.

He wasn't really my dad. I
never met him. I was joking.

Joking?!

But I've been kicking
myself all week about that!

I actually, literally,
kicked myself at one point.

Not hard enough to leave
a bruise but quite hard!

It was you who said it was
my dad, I just didn't deny it.

You confirmed it! I asked if he
was your dad and you said yes.

Did I?

Yes.

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

It's unbelievable!

I fixed your car.

- Thanks a lot. How-How much
do I owe you? - It's fine.

You can have that one.
Because of the joke.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Go on, then.

- Sugar?
- One, please.

- So, flying out tomorrow? - Yep,
in the evening. - When are you back?

Probably not till next Christmas
if the dig gets more funding.

But I tell you what, mate,
you should come out.

- Yeah, I could do, couldn't I?
- Absolutely!

You should definitely come out. Stan
would like to see you. And Becky.

- I might just do that.
- Use some of your reward money, splash out.

Fly first class.

Er... No, I... That's all gone.

- Already? What did you
spend it on? - Well...

Not spent so much as invested.

Long-term investment.

Ah! Here we go!

Oh, there! There!

- Bloody hell! - What have you got?
- Hammered! - No! - A big 'un! Half groat.

- There you go, then, mate, the curse is lifted!
- It's one of the Henrys!

- Which one?
- Stand by. Henry VI, 1453.

Long Cross.

No marks on obverse.

Two extra pellets on reverse! Boom!

Check your hole.

- All clear! - Replace
plug. - Check! - Pub?

Go on, then.

So... There's this bloke at work...
wants to ask this girl out.

- He's been asking me for advice.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, he's...

he's worried in case she
says no and he feels stupid.

What did you advise him?

Well... I told him he should just
go for it. What's he got to lose?

Absolutely. Just go for it.

- You think that was good
advice I gave him? - Yeah.

If she says no, no big deal.
At least he asked her.

So then he was asking...

If she said yes... where
he should take her.

Oh, right. What did you say?

Well... I said...

probably just down the pub, first
date. Less formal than dinner.

- Sounds like good advice you
gave him. - Yeah? - Yeah, I reckon.

I told him, he should just
try and be himself. Relax.

Yeah, spot-on.

When is he going to ask her out?

- This Wednesday, I reckon.
- Yeah, well, tell him good luck from me.

You don't know him.