Detectorists (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Andy now has a child and is a stay at home father, to the disdain of mother-in-law Veronica whilst Lance's wife Maggie has left the area and he reluctantly agrees to Andy's idea of online dating - which yields a result. The group meeting is interrupted by Peter, a young German anxious to locate the wreckage of his Luftwaffe pilot grandfather's aircraft, and Sophie is keen to help him find it.
HORSE NEIGHS
DISTANT CHURCH BELL RINGS
THUNDER CRASHES
HORSE NEIGHS
HEAVY BREATHING
RIDER URGES HORSE ON
BIRDS SING
Nah... it's not happening.
Want to try further up there?
Go on, then.
MUSIC: Detectorists by Johnny Flynn
♪ Will you search the lonely earth for me?
♪ Climb through the briar and bramble
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I felt the touch of the kings
and the breath of the wind
♪ I knew the call of all the song birds
♪ They sang all the wrong words
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ Mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm... ♪
You see University Challenge? Yeah.
You see that way that idiot celebrated
when he got his starter for ten?
I know. Idiot.
What a helmet. Have some dignity.
Waving your arms around...
I hate the ones that have a sip of water
and frown like it was no big deal.
- LANCE LAUGHS
- Yeah.
They're knobs as well.
What you want is a... humble smile
and a nod to your team mates,
as if to say, "I know you
guys knew that one too."
That's it. Spot on.
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS
What have you got?
A bit off a trestle table.
You? Tufty Club badge.
You know why, don't you? Why?
Car-boot sales.
Used to have them here every
weekend, a few years back.
I found? 13.76 in loose change.
ANDY SCOFFS
This isn't metal detecting,
this is scavenging on landfill.
BABY CRIES
Lunch time.
What did you do last night?
Ah... stayed in and had a French.
French?
Yeah. What's that?
A French takeaway.
That new restaurant in the
high street does takeaway.
BABY CRIES
What did you have?
Ah... onion soup, escargot,
boeuf bourguignon.
Why don't you cook any more?
Can't be bothered.
I used to enjoy your curries.
You were the only one who did.
What do you think about internet dating?
I think you're already
married, mate, to Becky.
Not for me, for you.
Shut up. [LAUGHS]
What? What's so ridiculous about that?
Loads of people do it these days. Shut up!
What is this, an intervention?
Ah. I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.
Here...
Who's that down by that camper van?
Dunno.
Not from round here, though.
Come on, then! [GRUNTS]
There.
Can I feed him?
You want to? Yeah, go on, then.
There we go... Hello, Stanley!
Support his head. Yeah, I know.
Support his head. I am. I am.
Hello, Stanley.
Check it's not too hot by
putting a bit on your...
It's good.
Here we go.
What?
That's...
That milk you...
What?
Nothing.
RACHAEL LAUGHS
God! [LAUGHS]
Why didn't you say anything?!
I decided to spare him.
RACHAEL LAUGHS
I'll never be able to
look him in the eye again!
Bless Lance.
Is he all right? I worry about him.
It's hard to tell, but
he hasn't invited me round
to his flat for a curry in months
and I spotted some rust on his car.
Is that significant? Hugely.
Does he ever talk about Maggie?
Occasionally. I don't think they've
been in touch since she left.
Aw... did you have a nice day?
Did you go metal detecting
with Daddy and Uncle Lance?
Aw...
Did you find anything good? Nah.
- Nah...
- STANLEY LAUGHS
They never find anything!
I heard that.
[RACHAEL LAUGHS] Oops!
Mum wants to take Stan
for the day tomorrow.
Oh, great(!)
You could... Call the agency
and see if they've got any work.
Yep... I'll do that first thing.
Do you think your mum will stick to the routines
with the feeding times and naps and all that?
Oh... doubt it!
It doesn't matter for one day, does it?
Will she have a go at
me for not having a job?
Mmm... probably.
She hates the fact that
you had to go back to work
and I'm at home with Stan.
She thinks it's degrading for a man.
Oh, who cares what she thinks?
We didn't have a choice.
I know.
SHE GROANS
It won't be long now.
You'll get a job soon. Yep.
I thought I'd pass my exams and
magically become an archaeologist.
It didn't occur to me that
no-one would give me a job.
Poor Daddy.
You know we love you, don't you?
Yep. Although...
What?
Smells like at least one of you has
done a poo in your pants. Really?
Bad luck. [LAUGHS]
That's not fair, you knew!
[SHE LAUGHS] I didn't smell anything.
Bullshit. It's making my eyes water.
Lovely to see the finds table
with such a... nice scattering
of quality finds here.
Good range of buttons and buckles,
and... half a dozen Civil
War era musket balls.
Now, I know I've said this before,
but although they are common,
I find musket balls to be
irresistible nuggets of history...
.. albeit toxic history and all lead
items in your collection should be
stored safely and responsibly,
and out of the reach of children.
Whose is the Roman phallus?
Oh, that's mine.
GERARD LAUGHS
Something funny about that? No.
Right.
Andy, Lance?
Anything from you on the
finds table this week?
Ah... not this week, Terry, no.
Tufty Club badge.
Now... the annual club
rally is fast approaching
and we still do not have
a site to hold it on.
Does nobody have a
permission that we can use?
Well, if the worst comes to the worst,
we've been given permission to detect
on an old Edwardian rubbish
dump... out by Morden.
An Edwardian rubbish dump?
That's still rubbish, mate.
It's disgusting.
How long does something have to be in the
ground before it becomes archaeology then,
Mrs Ancient History?
Well, at least 100 years, surely.
I'm with Sophie. The clue's
in the name -- rubbish dump.
Nonsense. The Edwardians threw
some fascinating stuff away.
They didn't throw away
gold, though, did they?
It's not all about gold, Sophie.
Nobody's going to want to come
to a rally where you're absolutely
guaranteed not to find any gold.
She's right, Terry. It's just going
to be broken glass and china. Well...
Until somebody comes up with something
else, it's the best we've got.
Now, Russell, Hugh,
how is your lost wedding
ring recovery service doing?
Yeah, not bad, Terry.
One call out this week.
Old biddy, lost engagement ring.
But I'm not going to waste
my time telling you... Oh...
.. when you can read all about
it in the Essex Chronicle!
Two copies. One for the scrap
book, one for the notice board.
- APPLAUSE
- Well done! Woo!
And we were... Sit down!
And we were wondering whether
we can get a vehicle.
Pardon, a vehicle? That's right.
What's wrong with the bus?
Well, we just think if we
had a DMDC vehicle, it would
present a more, you
know, professional image.
What kind of a vehicle?
Like the Ghostbusters.
We weren't going to say that.
No, not like the Ghostbusters, but
something with a logo on the side.
The Ghostbusters logo.
No, the DMDC logo.
Look...
I'm not denying that this club is
in a far healthier state than it
was this time last year, Russell,
but I do not think the DMDC coffers
are going to stretch to a Cadillac.
Speaking of which,
Sheila's come up with a...
novel fund raising idea that I
said she could run up the flagpole,
see if anyone salutes it.
Sheila? Love? Yes.
I thought we could do...
a naked calendar.
Absolutely not. No. No way.
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
Terry could take photos of
you all out metal-detecting
with your finds pouches
covering your privates.
Sheila, shut the fuck up!
You're not hearing me.
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
Certainly not doing it...
Gerry... keep them covered!
THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE
Now, come on, come on.
Don't just dismiss it.
I mean... we've got nearly enough
members for each month of the year.
Well, perhaps some of you
could double up. Lance, Andy...
Well...
Russell, Hugh, you could
do one together perhaps.
Jesus Christ.
Well, you know, it could
be a good money-spinner.
Really, Terry?
Who on earth is going to want
to buy a naked DMDC calendar?
I would.
Well, you know, these
things go viral, don't they?
I mean, you go on the local news,
then suddenly you're sending
them all over the world.
Oh, that's how it works is it?
Then they write a musical about you.
I don't want a musical written about me.
Let's have a show of hands.
Who thinks it's a good idea
to do a naked calendar?
It's not enough, darling. Never mind.
So, it's agreed then, we
won't be making a calendar.
I'd like to go further.
I'd like us to vow never to take our
clothes off in front of each other.
- Yeah, I'm with him.
- ALL TALKING TOGETHER
Hello. Are you the metal detectors?
Detectorists. Yes.
Welcome to the Dainbury
Metal Detecting Club.
What can we do you for?
I'm looking for the wreckage
or crash site of a plane,
a German plane that came down
somewhere around here in 1941.
I like it already.
What type of plane?
My grandfather was one of the crew members
and my grandmother was pregnant
with my dad at the time,
and she got a telegram with just the
words, "Missing, believed killed."
Oh, dear. That's very sad.
What type of plane?
Junkers JU88. It crashed
on the way back to France.
The only clue I could turn up
mentioned the village of... Henburystone.
Oh, that's where Andy and
Lance detect, isn't it?
Henburystone? The round tower church?
Over that way, yeah.
Are you chaps no longer on Bishops Farm?
No, we searched out all the fields there.
Nothing there after all.
This new place never
turned up anything that
looked like plane wreckage, though. No.
You need to go through newspapers
from the time at the library,
see if you can find some
photos of the crash site.
- I can help, it sounds interesting.
- LANCE LAUGHS
What?
Well, isn't this the girl who was
saying that Edwardian is still rubbish?
And your point is?
Well, by your reckoning, a World
War II bomber is merely litter.
Shut up, Lance.
There are aerial photographs
online that show bomb craters.
Well, it might show up in one of those.
I can meet you at the library if you like.
See what we can find out. Excellent.
There you are then.
Crack team on the case.
I think you'll find we're a pretty
trustworthy bunch on the whole,
despite our quirks and foibles.
Quirks and...?
Foibles.
I don't know either of these.
Peculiar behavioural habits.
Oh.
Nothing serious, nothing sinister.
- You've not joined a cult.
- THEY LAUGH
LAUGHTER PETERS OUT NERVOUSLY
So, hands up who thinks Lance should
join an internet dating agency.
Here we go. I'm not joining
an internet dating agency.
It's not a subject for
public conversation.
I think it's a lovely idea, Lance.
You could meet somebody really nice.
Yeah. That's what I've been telling him.
There's all different
niche websites these days
catering for all different tastes.
Are you insinuating I've
got strange tastes, Russell?
Not you, other people.
Look, I don't want a relationship.
I'm actually going through a
period of voluntary chastity.
ANDY COUGHS
Sorry.
♪ You're the sun, you're the moon
♪ You're the light
♪ In the room
♪ You are my new age girl. ♪
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Oh...
If it's about the fish tank,
I sold it this morning.
It's who?
Kate?
Yeah, it's... This is Lance. It's Lance...
Yeah.
Yes, I did, yeah.
I hadn't got round to replying yet.
I'm not very good with
the e-mail. [LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Me too.
Well, yeah, we should meet.
I'm not very good on the phone.
Er...
no.
How about for a coffee?
Tuesday sounds good.
Yeah.
OK, well, I'll look forward to...
.. it.
OK.
Bye.
As long as he doesn't have
too long a nap in the morning,
that's all I'm asking.
She needs to wake him up after an hour,
otherwise everything goes out of
sync and we're back to square one.
All right, Gina Ford, chill out.
It's not Gina Ford actually. It's
my own unique blend of teachings
and I'm thinking of publishing it.
That will be a gripping read.
Do you think she sterilises
everything properly bec...? Hello?
Really, nothing at all?
Not even catering work?
It's been three weeks now.
OK, thanks.
Nothing? Really?
I haven't got any skills apparently.
I'll do some job searching while
Stan's at your mum's today.
Do you mind if I go out after
work with gay Martin? Sure.
He did some volunteer teaching
last year with the VSO. Oh, yeah?
He did six months in Colombia
-- it sounded amazing. Cool.
Well, it sounds like what we used to
talk about, about going to Africa.
What, you're not thinking we can do it?
Well, it'd be better than waiting
around for dead-end catering jobs,
wouldn't it?
Yeah, but not now. Why not?
Well, because we've got
Stan now, he's just a baby.
Well, I'd still like to hear about it.
Well, yes, you should.
It'd be interesting.
So, you don't mind if I'm a bit late?
Not if you're only with gay Martin.
Oh, he's not gay.
Isn't he? No! It's an ironic nickname
because he's the least homosexual
man you can possibly imagine.
He's gorgeous and Spanish.
All the women fancy him.
Is he? Do they?
I don't.
No, of course.
But, yeah...
That's who I'm going out with.
Right. Good.
HE RINGS DOORBELL
Stanley!
It's Nana!
Yeah!
Hello, Veronica. Andy.
How are you? Well, thank you.
Working?
Er... Not really. Still
looking for a proper job.
Proper job, yeah. That's
probably a good idea.
And... what are you up to
today whilst my daughter works
and I look after Stanley?
Metal-detecting. [CLEARS THROAT]
I beg your pardon? Metal-detecting.
Very useful.
Who's that?
That's my friend, Lance.
What a silly car.
You ready to rumble? Hmm.
I've written a list with
feeding times on it and...
I don't need a list, I've
raised three of my own.
I know, but I'm trying
to stick to a routine.
We can work out our own routine,
thank you. We're quite capable.
It's just that quite a lot of work has gone
into this... Run along now and go and...
[SHE SIGHS].. find some metal.
Do you want to keep hold of this,
just in case? No, thank you.
All right, well, I'll just leave
it there. And I've got my mobile,
Becky's got hers and I've put my
friend Lance's number down. Bye-bye.
His next feed is at 9:30...
Silly? What way silly?
A clown car is silly.
A Triumph TR7 is a classic.
It's just if he gets out of
sync, then all of that work's
out of the window. He'll
be up all night again.
Relax, mate. It'll be fine.
Stupid old trout.
Ah! Damn it, we've got to go back.
Why? What is it?
It's Clothy, he needs it.
Becky's mum will have
a piece of old flannel.
This isn't a piece of old
flannel, this is Clothy.
He can do without Clothy for
one day. He's three months old.
Got to start toughening up.
Turns out he's not even gay.
It's an ironic nickname
because he's so heterosexual.
Shit.
Yeah. Gorgeous... Spanish. Yeah?
I'm not worried.
Doesn't sound like it.
But, yeah, I've got to get a
job soon. It's ridiculous.
43 years old and I can't
even provide for my family.
Are there any jobs going at the depot?
Only if you can drive a fork lift.
I can't even drive a car.
No, then.
What have you got?
It's a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.
Really?
With the pen?
Oh, no, actually... It's just
the cheque book. Oh, well.
You see? Car-boot sales.
What's the name on it?
Les Dawson.
Pity. They're the most common. Eh?
Dawson did 123 episodes
including Christmas specials.
Wogan did 95.
Surprisingly, the scarce ones
are the Lily Savage ones --
she only did 59 eps.
All right, Rain Man. How
do you know this stuff?
Lecture at this year's
TV Nostalgia convention.
You still go to those?
Nah, not after the last one. Shambles.
Yeah. Nostalgia conventions
aren't what they used to be.
Lee Majors is going to be at the next one.
The Six Million Dollar Man?
Apparently, he's only worth 100 grand now.
- That's why he...
- BOTH: .. does the conventions.
You've been together eight months.
I wanted to spend the
rest of my life with him.
I love you.
DISTANT CHURCH BELL RINGS
THUNDER CRASHES
HORSE NEIGHS
HEAVY BREATHING
RIDER URGES HORSE ON
BIRDS SING
Nah... it's not happening.
Want to try further up there?
Go on, then.
MUSIC: Detectorists by Johnny Flynn
♪ Will you search the lonely earth for me?
♪ Climb through the briar and bramble
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I felt the touch of the kings
and the breath of the wind
♪ I knew the call of all the song birds
♪ They sang all the wrong words
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ Mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm... ♪
You see University Challenge? Yeah.
You see that way that idiot celebrated
when he got his starter for ten?
I know. Idiot.
What a helmet. Have some dignity.
Waving your arms around...
I hate the ones that have a sip of water
and frown like it was no big deal.
- LANCE LAUGHS
- Yeah.
They're knobs as well.
What you want is a... humble smile
and a nod to your team mates,
as if to say, "I know you
guys knew that one too."
That's it. Spot on.
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS
What have you got?
A bit off a trestle table.
You? Tufty Club badge.
You know why, don't you? Why?
Car-boot sales.
Used to have them here every
weekend, a few years back.
I found? 13.76 in loose change.
ANDY SCOFFS
This isn't metal detecting,
this is scavenging on landfill.
BABY CRIES
Lunch time.
What did you do last night?
Ah... stayed in and had a French.
French?
Yeah. What's that?
A French takeaway.
That new restaurant in the
high street does takeaway.
BABY CRIES
What did you have?
Ah... onion soup, escargot,
boeuf bourguignon.
Why don't you cook any more?
Can't be bothered.
I used to enjoy your curries.
You were the only one who did.
What do you think about internet dating?
I think you're already
married, mate, to Becky.
Not for me, for you.
Shut up. [LAUGHS]
What? What's so ridiculous about that?
Loads of people do it these days. Shut up!
What is this, an intervention?
Ah. I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.
Here...
Who's that down by that camper van?
Dunno.
Not from round here, though.
Come on, then! [GRUNTS]
There.
Can I feed him?
You want to? Yeah, go on, then.
There we go... Hello, Stanley!
Support his head. Yeah, I know.
Support his head. I am. I am.
Hello, Stanley.
Check it's not too hot by
putting a bit on your...
It's good.
Here we go.
What?
That's...
That milk you...
What?
Nothing.
RACHAEL LAUGHS
God! [LAUGHS]
Why didn't you say anything?!
I decided to spare him.
RACHAEL LAUGHS
I'll never be able to
look him in the eye again!
Bless Lance.
Is he all right? I worry about him.
It's hard to tell, but
he hasn't invited me round
to his flat for a curry in months
and I spotted some rust on his car.
Is that significant? Hugely.
Does he ever talk about Maggie?
Occasionally. I don't think they've
been in touch since she left.
Aw... did you have a nice day?
Did you go metal detecting
with Daddy and Uncle Lance?
Aw...
Did you find anything good? Nah.
- Nah...
- STANLEY LAUGHS
They never find anything!
I heard that.
[RACHAEL LAUGHS] Oops!
Mum wants to take Stan
for the day tomorrow.
Oh, great(!)
You could... Call the agency
and see if they've got any work.
Yep... I'll do that first thing.
Do you think your mum will stick to the routines
with the feeding times and naps and all that?
Oh... doubt it!
It doesn't matter for one day, does it?
Will she have a go at
me for not having a job?
Mmm... probably.
She hates the fact that
you had to go back to work
and I'm at home with Stan.
She thinks it's degrading for a man.
Oh, who cares what she thinks?
We didn't have a choice.
I know.
SHE GROANS
It won't be long now.
You'll get a job soon. Yep.
I thought I'd pass my exams and
magically become an archaeologist.
It didn't occur to me that
no-one would give me a job.
Poor Daddy.
You know we love you, don't you?
Yep. Although...
What?
Smells like at least one of you has
done a poo in your pants. Really?
Bad luck. [LAUGHS]
That's not fair, you knew!
[SHE LAUGHS] I didn't smell anything.
Bullshit. It's making my eyes water.
Lovely to see the finds table
with such a... nice scattering
of quality finds here.
Good range of buttons and buckles,
and... half a dozen Civil
War era musket balls.
Now, I know I've said this before,
but although they are common,
I find musket balls to be
irresistible nuggets of history...
.. albeit toxic history and all lead
items in your collection should be
stored safely and responsibly,
and out of the reach of children.
Whose is the Roman phallus?
Oh, that's mine.
GERARD LAUGHS
Something funny about that? No.
Right.
Andy, Lance?
Anything from you on the
finds table this week?
Ah... not this week, Terry, no.
Tufty Club badge.
Now... the annual club
rally is fast approaching
and we still do not have
a site to hold it on.
Does nobody have a
permission that we can use?
Well, if the worst comes to the worst,
we've been given permission to detect
on an old Edwardian rubbish
dump... out by Morden.
An Edwardian rubbish dump?
That's still rubbish, mate.
It's disgusting.
How long does something have to be in the
ground before it becomes archaeology then,
Mrs Ancient History?
Well, at least 100 years, surely.
I'm with Sophie. The clue's
in the name -- rubbish dump.
Nonsense. The Edwardians threw
some fascinating stuff away.
They didn't throw away
gold, though, did they?
It's not all about gold, Sophie.
Nobody's going to want to come
to a rally where you're absolutely
guaranteed not to find any gold.
She's right, Terry. It's just going
to be broken glass and china. Well...
Until somebody comes up with something
else, it's the best we've got.
Now, Russell, Hugh,
how is your lost wedding
ring recovery service doing?
Yeah, not bad, Terry.
One call out this week.
Old biddy, lost engagement ring.
But I'm not going to waste
my time telling you... Oh...
.. when you can read all about
it in the Essex Chronicle!
Two copies. One for the scrap
book, one for the notice board.
- APPLAUSE
- Well done! Woo!
And we were... Sit down!
And we were wondering whether
we can get a vehicle.
Pardon, a vehicle? That's right.
What's wrong with the bus?
Well, we just think if we
had a DMDC vehicle, it would
present a more, you
know, professional image.
What kind of a vehicle?
Like the Ghostbusters.
We weren't going to say that.
No, not like the Ghostbusters, but
something with a logo on the side.
The Ghostbusters logo.
No, the DMDC logo.
Look...
I'm not denying that this club is
in a far healthier state than it
was this time last year, Russell,
but I do not think the DMDC coffers
are going to stretch to a Cadillac.
Speaking of which,
Sheila's come up with a...
novel fund raising idea that I
said she could run up the flagpole,
see if anyone salutes it.
Sheila? Love? Yes.
I thought we could do...
a naked calendar.
Absolutely not. No. No way.
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
Terry could take photos of
you all out metal-detecting
with your finds pouches
covering your privates.
Sheila, shut the fuck up!
You're not hearing me.
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
Certainly not doing it...
Gerry... keep them covered!
THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE
Now, come on, come on.
Don't just dismiss it.
I mean... we've got nearly enough
members for each month of the year.
Well, perhaps some of you
could double up. Lance, Andy...
Well...
Russell, Hugh, you could
do one together perhaps.
Jesus Christ.
Well, you know, it could
be a good money-spinner.
Really, Terry?
Who on earth is going to want
to buy a naked DMDC calendar?
I would.
Well, you know, these
things go viral, don't they?
I mean, you go on the local news,
then suddenly you're sending
them all over the world.
Oh, that's how it works is it?
Then they write a musical about you.
I don't want a musical written about me.
Let's have a show of hands.
Who thinks it's a good idea
to do a naked calendar?
It's not enough, darling. Never mind.
So, it's agreed then, we
won't be making a calendar.
I'd like to go further.
I'd like us to vow never to take our
clothes off in front of each other.
- Yeah, I'm with him.
- ALL TALKING TOGETHER
Hello. Are you the metal detectors?
Detectorists. Yes.
Welcome to the Dainbury
Metal Detecting Club.
What can we do you for?
I'm looking for the wreckage
or crash site of a plane,
a German plane that came down
somewhere around here in 1941.
I like it already.
What type of plane?
My grandfather was one of the crew members
and my grandmother was pregnant
with my dad at the time,
and she got a telegram with just the
words, "Missing, believed killed."
Oh, dear. That's very sad.
What type of plane?
Junkers JU88. It crashed
on the way back to France.
The only clue I could turn up
mentioned the village of... Henburystone.
Oh, that's where Andy and
Lance detect, isn't it?
Henburystone? The round tower church?
Over that way, yeah.
Are you chaps no longer on Bishops Farm?
No, we searched out all the fields there.
Nothing there after all.
This new place never
turned up anything that
looked like plane wreckage, though. No.
You need to go through newspapers
from the time at the library,
see if you can find some
photos of the crash site.
- I can help, it sounds interesting.
- LANCE LAUGHS
What?
Well, isn't this the girl who was
saying that Edwardian is still rubbish?
And your point is?
Well, by your reckoning, a World
War II bomber is merely litter.
Shut up, Lance.
There are aerial photographs
online that show bomb craters.
Well, it might show up in one of those.
I can meet you at the library if you like.
See what we can find out. Excellent.
There you are then.
Crack team on the case.
I think you'll find we're a pretty
trustworthy bunch on the whole,
despite our quirks and foibles.
Quirks and...?
Foibles.
I don't know either of these.
Peculiar behavioural habits.
Oh.
Nothing serious, nothing sinister.
- You've not joined a cult.
- THEY LAUGH
LAUGHTER PETERS OUT NERVOUSLY
So, hands up who thinks Lance should
join an internet dating agency.
Here we go. I'm not joining
an internet dating agency.
It's not a subject for
public conversation.
I think it's a lovely idea, Lance.
You could meet somebody really nice.
Yeah. That's what I've been telling him.
There's all different
niche websites these days
catering for all different tastes.
Are you insinuating I've
got strange tastes, Russell?
Not you, other people.
Look, I don't want a relationship.
I'm actually going through a
period of voluntary chastity.
ANDY COUGHS
Sorry.
♪ You're the sun, you're the moon
♪ You're the light
♪ In the room
♪ You are my new age girl. ♪
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Oh...
If it's about the fish tank,
I sold it this morning.
It's who?
Kate?
Yeah, it's... This is Lance. It's Lance...
Yeah.
Yes, I did, yeah.
I hadn't got round to replying yet.
I'm not very good with
the e-mail. [LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Me too.
Well, yeah, we should meet.
I'm not very good on the phone.
Er...
no.
How about for a coffee?
Tuesday sounds good.
Yeah.
OK, well, I'll look forward to...
.. it.
OK.
Bye.
As long as he doesn't have
too long a nap in the morning,
that's all I'm asking.
She needs to wake him up after an hour,
otherwise everything goes out of
sync and we're back to square one.
All right, Gina Ford, chill out.
It's not Gina Ford actually. It's
my own unique blend of teachings
and I'm thinking of publishing it.
That will be a gripping read.
Do you think she sterilises
everything properly bec...? Hello?
Really, nothing at all?
Not even catering work?
It's been three weeks now.
OK, thanks.
Nothing? Really?
I haven't got any skills apparently.
I'll do some job searching while
Stan's at your mum's today.
Do you mind if I go out after
work with gay Martin? Sure.
He did some volunteer teaching
last year with the VSO. Oh, yeah?
He did six months in Colombia
-- it sounded amazing. Cool.
Well, it sounds like what we used to
talk about, about going to Africa.
What, you're not thinking we can do it?
Well, it'd be better than waiting
around for dead-end catering jobs,
wouldn't it?
Yeah, but not now. Why not?
Well, because we've got
Stan now, he's just a baby.
Well, I'd still like to hear about it.
Well, yes, you should.
It'd be interesting.
So, you don't mind if I'm a bit late?
Not if you're only with gay Martin.
Oh, he's not gay.
Isn't he? No! It's an ironic nickname
because he's the least homosexual
man you can possibly imagine.
He's gorgeous and Spanish.
All the women fancy him.
Is he? Do they?
I don't.
No, of course.
But, yeah...
That's who I'm going out with.
Right. Good.
HE RINGS DOORBELL
Stanley!
It's Nana!
Yeah!
Hello, Veronica. Andy.
How are you? Well, thank you.
Working?
Er... Not really. Still
looking for a proper job.
Proper job, yeah. That's
probably a good idea.
And... what are you up to
today whilst my daughter works
and I look after Stanley?
Metal-detecting. [CLEARS THROAT]
I beg your pardon? Metal-detecting.
Very useful.
Who's that?
That's my friend, Lance.
What a silly car.
You ready to rumble? Hmm.
I've written a list with
feeding times on it and...
I don't need a list, I've
raised three of my own.
I know, but I'm trying
to stick to a routine.
We can work out our own routine,
thank you. We're quite capable.
It's just that quite a lot of work has gone
into this... Run along now and go and...
[SHE SIGHS].. find some metal.
Do you want to keep hold of this,
just in case? No, thank you.
All right, well, I'll just leave
it there. And I've got my mobile,
Becky's got hers and I've put my
friend Lance's number down. Bye-bye.
His next feed is at 9:30...
Silly? What way silly?
A clown car is silly.
A Triumph TR7 is a classic.
It's just if he gets out of
sync, then all of that work's
out of the window. He'll
be up all night again.
Relax, mate. It'll be fine.
Stupid old trout.
Ah! Damn it, we've got to go back.
Why? What is it?
It's Clothy, he needs it.
Becky's mum will have
a piece of old flannel.
This isn't a piece of old
flannel, this is Clothy.
He can do without Clothy for
one day. He's three months old.
Got to start toughening up.
Turns out he's not even gay.
It's an ironic nickname
because he's so heterosexual.
Shit.
Yeah. Gorgeous... Spanish. Yeah?
I'm not worried.
Doesn't sound like it.
But, yeah, I've got to get a
job soon. It's ridiculous.
43 years old and I can't
even provide for my family.
Are there any jobs going at the depot?
Only if you can drive a fork lift.
I can't even drive a car.
No, then.
What have you got?
It's a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.
Really?
With the pen?
Oh, no, actually... It's just
the cheque book. Oh, well.
You see? Car-boot sales.
What's the name on it?
Les Dawson.
Pity. They're the most common. Eh?
Dawson did 123 episodes
including Christmas specials.
Wogan did 95.
Surprisingly, the scarce ones
are the Lily Savage ones --
she only did 59 eps.
All right, Rain Man. How
do you know this stuff?
Lecture at this year's
TV Nostalgia convention.
You still go to those?
Nah, not after the last one. Shambles.
Yeah. Nostalgia conventions
aren't what they used to be.
Lee Majors is going to be at the next one.
The Six Million Dollar Man?
Apparently, he's only worth 100 grand now.
- That's why he...
- BOTH: .. does the conventions.
You've been together eight months.
I wanted to spend the
rest of my life with him.
I love you.