Detectorists (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Lance learns that Maggie has known about his lottery win whilst Andy wins back Becky by selling his detecting equipment and promising to give up his activity. In the pub they meet Larry Bishop, who tells them that his wife is alive and well and the bones dug up belonged to his dead dogs. The club holds an open day but the only person to turn up is Sophie, who informs everybody that Antiquisearchers have been disqualified from the dig for placing nails on the site. Becky's excellent local history knowledge comes in very handy as everybody rallies to find the Saxon hoard and whilst they fail to unearth it there is reconciliation all round.
~ Did you hear about old Jeff Mouzel?
~ What about him? ~ Dead. ~ No. How?
~ Fell off Beachy Head. ~ Fell off?
~ Yeah. ~ Not jumped? ~ No.
~ Jeez, that's unlucky. ~ I know.
~ What was he doing there?
~ Oh, he always used to go down there.
You know how people throw
themselves off Beachy Head?
Well, a lot of people throw
their wedding rings off
when they're getting divorced.
Jeff, he used to detect on
the rocks below the cliff.
Found hundreds of them there.
Anyway, he was on his way down and
he was wearing this massive cagoule.
Acted like a sail, caught the wind,
blew him off the edge.
Pity it didn't act like
a parachute on the way down.
Well, apparently it did to a certain
extent, but not enough to save him.
Certainly gave him enough time to
contemplate his imminent demise.
Hang on. Something's happening.
So Terry was right.
Bishop didn't want us digging
cos he buried his wife down there.
If that's the case, why did he
let us anywhere on his farm?
~ Yeah, they're removing the remains.
~ Body bag?
Tupperware.
~ It's still in there.
~ It's rubbish, mate. Leave it.
It's showing the same reading as the
gold I found. I'm not leaving it.
~ So... you were saying you were
round at Becky's mum's. ~ Yeah.
Becky wasn't in. She'd gone out
with some bloke from work.
~ Becky's mum told you that? ~ Yeah,
told me with glee. She hates me.
~ Well, what bloke? ~ Gay Martin.
Right.
~ He doesn't sound too much of
a threat. ~ Jeez, this is deep.
Whatever this is, it's been
in there a long time.
So, anyway, I phoned,
left a message, nothing.
I think I'm losing her. I think
I might have already lost her.
Look, there, a glint of gold.
There. Look!
~ I saw a glint of gold there. A coin.
~ Where? ~ This side of the hole, look.
~ Fucking pound coin. ~ No.
Fucking pound coin.
~ What's that doing nearly two foot
under the ground? ~ How old is it?
~ This year's. ~ Are you kidding me?
It's brand new.
Right, that's it. I've had it.
What am I even doing?
I found my gold.
~ I don't need to be doing this any
more. ~ What do you mean? ~ I'm done.
~ What, detecting?
~ Yeah. That was the last straw.
~ Come on, mate.
~ No. That's it for me.
Done.
Andy.
Andy!
What about me?
Hello, Lance. You all right?
What's going on?
See the sign?
~ There's no apostrophe in bargains.
~ Pardon?
Doesn't matter. What are you doing?
Closing down.
But I thought, you know, you asked
if I could lend you the rent.
~ I didn't say I wouldn't. ~ Oh, it
was obvious you didn't want to.
It's probably best we move to
where Tony can get a better job
and make a new start.
But I was going to, you know,
look into my finances
and I think I can probably
help you out with some of it.
Well, I need all of it
or nothing, really.
Some of it won't help.
~ Well, maybe if I...
~ Bloody hell, Maggie!
~ Do you have to leave stuff
everywhere? ~ Nearly broke my neck.
All right, Lance?
Come to lend a hand?
I'm sending the stock
back to the warehouse.
I can get a 50% refund
on some things.
And then I'm putting together
gift boxes of assorted stuff.
~ Sort of spiritual survival packs.
~ That was my idea.
It was Tony's idea.
Dream catcher, pack of tarot, joss
sticks, a few other bits of tat.
~ It's not tat! ~ Sorry, not tat, crap.
~ Tony! ~ She loves it.
No, I don't, you bastard.
~ Oi. ~ Ow.
~ Want a cup of tea, Lance?
~ Yeah, go on, then.
~ Protein shake, please.
~ Nothing for you.
It's not a done deal yet, mate.
Could still be a stay of execution.
Nothing's been signed.
You could still save the shop.
Me?
Yeah. Come on, mate.
Help her out. You can afford it.
~ What do you mean? ~ You know.
Your windfall and all that.
Your lottery win.
Maggie told me.
~ How did she know?
~ She told me ages ago.
She opened up a letter by mistake,
didn't she?
We've always known.
I thought you knew we knew.
I didn't know you knew.
Why do you think she's so keen
to keep you hanging around?
Go on.
If you help us out,
we won't have to move.
I'm not that keen to be going,
if I'm honest,
and you get to see her
whenever you want.
Or have you blown all your winnings
on your collections?
Do you take sugar, Lance?
I can't remember.
Hiya, mate.
If you get this, just wondering
if you're coming down the club
for this open day thing.
You're not serious about giving up,
are you?
Give us a call.
Cheers.
What time is it?
Quarter to four.
~ Did you hand out the flyers,
Russell? ~ I told you I did.
~ All of them? ~ Yes, all of them.
~ Louise, do you want to go and
check outside? ~ Not really, Terry.
I doubt if there's a queue of people
wondering how they get in.
~ Maybe we should open the door.
~ That'll help.
~ Does anyone want their face painted?
~ I'm all right, thanks.
Hugh?
No, thank you, Sheila.
Russell?
Go on, Russell. Show willing.
~ What can you do?
~ I could make you into a black man.
~ Black...? ~ Not really appropriate,
love.
A Chinese man?
Perhaps we should all get made up
as clowns.
Come on, Russell.
Let's stay positive.
Is this meant to be a fundraiser
or a recruitment drive?
Well, both, really.
Primarily a fundraiser.
Right.
How much have we raised so far?
~ All right. Don't be facetious. ~ Mm.
Perhaps we should charge
for the tea and coffee.
~ Well, you've got a nerve
showing up here. ~ I know.
~ I need to explain.
~ I'm not sure we're interested.
~ Look, I was used. ~ Yeah, so were we.
I thought the Antique Researchers
were the good guys.
They told me you were the treasure
hunters, stealing their permissions.
They were just taking the
information I was giving them
and moving into your land.
Are you an idiot? You're not able
to spot a wanker when you see one?
Oh, I'm quite capable of spotting
a wanker when I see one, Lance.
~ You calling me a wanker?
~ All right, that's enough.
~ Wanker. ~ You wanker.
~ Are you? ~ No, you are.
That's enough!
Look, be that as it may,
the damage has been done.
Well, maybe I can undo
some of the damage.
~ You've actually sold it? ~ Yep.
Prove it.
There.
I thought we could go away
somewhere crap.
You'll always hold it against me.
Whenever we argue,
you'll bring it up and say
I made you give up metal detecting.
Well, then, let's not argue.
Good idea.
Anyway, I won't.
I'm done with detecting.
Look, I found this.
Wow.
~ What are you going to do with it?
~ It's yours. I want you to have it.
Thanks.
What am I going to do with it?
I thought we could have it
melted down, made into a ring.
~ Really? ~ Yeah.
Are you asking me to...?
You don't need to do that.
OK, thanks.
Well?
Will you marry me?
We've split up.
OK, will you go out with me?
~ Yeah, OK.
~ And then will you marry me?
Yeah, OK.
I don't believe you've really
given up detecting, though.
I have. I promise.
You'll keep going off for secret
detecting trips with Lance.
~ Like Brokeback Mountain. ~ Oh, please!
~ You'd be lost without your hobby.
~ I'll get a new hobby.
~ Like what? ~ Golf.
~ Right. ~ Or fishing. ~ Brilliant.
I've come to take you home, Becks.
Please come home.
When you say you've come
to take me home,
how have you come to take me home?
You haven't got a car.
Yeah... all right
if we take your car?
~ And you can't drive. ~ No.
All right if you drive?
You are so gallant.
Can I have a lift?
My hero.
Cheers.
~ Have you seen Maggie? ~ Yeah.
~ Did you give her the money? ~ No.
She didn't even remember
if I take sugar in my tea.
Do you?
Course I do. It's bloody tea.
All right.
Oh, my God. It's Bishop.
~ I thought he was banged up.
~ Maybe he escaped.
Larry?
Oh, there you are.
Be careful, he might have
a shooter on him.
~ I've been looking for you chaps.
~ Everything all right?
~ Last time I saw you, you had
handcuffs on. ~ Bloody nightmare.
~ Spent the night in the cells,
can you believe it? ~ What happened?
They thought I'd killed someone.
Found some bones,
thought I'd killed my wife.
~ My wife's in Braintree, for God's
sake. ~ Whose bones were they?
Dog bones. I mean, you'd think
you'd check, wouldn't you,
before they started
arresting people?
Which brings me to why I'm looking
for you.
~ My stupid mutts have disappeared
off the face of the planet. ~ Really?
Not a sign, hide nor hair.
I thought I asked you chaps
to keep an eye on them.
Ah, well, they gave us the slip,
Larry.
Yes, well, I'm not surprised.
They're a bit of a handful.
Keep your eyes peeled, will you?
Oh, Larry!
~ Everything all right with the farm?
~ Oh, they've all cleared off.
~ Who? ~ All of them. Deserted.
The CID left when they realised
there wasn't a murder,
forensic boys went with them,
and then the history chaps,
the archaeologists,
followed soon after.
So they didn't find anything?
No, not a sausage.
So we're free to come and detect
on your land, then?
Well, you are. She's not.
~ Why not? ~ I thought you were
with the bad chaps. The rogues.
Oh, no, that's all been
sorted now, Larry.
~ She's made amends,
She's one of us now. ~ Oh, right.
Oh, jolly good.
I didn't like them. Threw them off.
~ Wise move. ~ Mm. Didn't trust them.
They reminded me of...
what do you call them?
Simon and Garfunkel.
Arseholes!
Anyway, come along
and keep your eyes open
for those hounds, will you?
~ Will do. ~ Cheerio.
Bye.
Hello, mate.
Why, where are you?
What is it?
All right. See you in a bit.
~ Can we stop off at the brewers?
~ Who's there? ~ Lance.
~ Here we go! ~ And Sophie.
Super!
Lance has got something to tell me.
~ And you've got something
to tell him. ~ What, about us?
No, that you've given up detecting.
Oh, yeah, we don't need to... Let's
not mention that for the moment.
I have given up detecting
but I think he's going to be upset
~ so I want to break it to him gently.
~ I wish I knew how to quit you.
Shut up.
Sophie has grassed up the Antique
Researchers to the National Council
for scattering copper nails
across our site.
The DMDC have been absorbing
the disillusioned Antique Researchers
and we are now officially affiliated
with both the museum
and the university.
The police have left Bishop's farm,
the MoD have left Bishop's farm
and the archaeologists
have left Bishop's farm.
Bishop has been released
without charge.
The bones they found were dog's bones
and Bishop's invisible dogs
have disappeared.
Sorry? His invisible dogs
have disappeared?
Yep. Vanished.
Well, that is going to make them
doubly hard to find.
~ So... ~ It's all back on.
~ You mean we can...? ~ Yeah.
Bishop's farm is finally ours
and I suggest we start digging here.
I mean, imagine what they've
brought up to the surface.
~ Why were they digging in that field?
~ Site of a previous excavation.
~ Did they find anything? ~ No.
On neither occasion.
Right. And you still think
that's the right place?
Well, it's a good place to start.
On a site that's twice been
searched but yielded nothing.
All right, geography degree,
where should we be searching?
Well...
.. if you're talking about a high
status royal Saxon ship burial,
it would have been on the highest
point of the landscape
with clear views of the sea,
which is this point here.
But you can't see the sea
from Bishop's farm.
You can't now. In Elizabethan times,
pine woodlands were planted
which thrive in this
naturally acidic soil.
But in the 6th and 7th centuries
that soil would have meant
hardly any native trees at all,
giving clear views all the way
to Southy Creek in the east
and the River Crouch in the south.
Look, you can't see it now because
a lot of this land has been built up
or forested, but clear away
all these features
and look at the natural contours.
There's a clear passage.
They would have sailed the ship
up the river to this point here,
taken it out of the water,
brought it up the valley
to this point...
here.
What?
No, I mean...
I see what you're saying.
Mm... it's interesting, certainly.
But I'm just worried that, erm...
Well, it's interesting.
So you think this field here?
Yeah, right there.
~ Is this still Bishop's land?
~ Yeah. Here.
~ Well, we should get right
down there. ~ Soon as.
~ Be there in an hour. ~ Yeah.
~ I'll give you a lift. ~ Cheers.
We'll take the stuff.
This has got to be a first.
Woman reads map.
One more time, Becks,
and then I'll give up.
It's your fault.
You shouldn't have pointed it out.
It's no skin off my nose. You were
adamant you had given up detecting.
It's the last time, I promise.
We're going find something
this time.
~ You're going to find it more
difficult than you think. ~ Why?
~ You've sold your detector. ~ Bollocks.
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, I know.
No, seriously, what the fuck is that?
Does that say Power Rangers?
~ The stickers will peel off.
~ No, leave them. I think they're
cool.
~ I sold my detector.
It's a downgrade. ~ Downgrade?
Better off with a paper plate
on the end of a stick.
What sort of penetration
is that going to give?
It's only going to pick up things
that are on the surface.
You're better off blindfolding
yourself, make it more exciting.
~ Luckily, I've brought a spare.
~ Thank God.
Yeah, not for you, Green Power
Ranger. You've made your own bed.
For you, Becky.
Oh, right. Cheers.
Andy will walk you through
the features.
It's a simple enough machine.
Not as simple as his divining rod!
Here. See if it works.
"It's morphing time!"
~ Got your headphones?
~ Doesn't have a jack.
~ Volume? ~ No. Just on or off.
Right, well, you're going to be
detecting
right at the far end of that field.
Who's this?
Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.
Welly, welly, well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Piss off, Phil.
Hello. What's this? A new detector?
It's all I need.
It's the Fisher Price
My First Metal Detector.
Sweet.
Funny.
Why are you here, Phil?
I just came down to tell you,
this isn't over.
~ Not by a long shot.
~ Shut up, Paul.
This site is too important to be
bungled by a bunch of amateurs.
~ Bungled? ~ Yeah, bungled.
~ Because that's all you're
capable of doing. ~ Bungling.
Yes, you idiot.
And when the NCMD find out what
a slipshod operation you're running,
we will be reinstated.
Oi! Get off my land! I thought
I told you two to stay away!
This pathway is
a public right of way.
I don't want you on it.
We have a civil right to be on this
land. There's nothing you can do.
I'll set the dogs on you.
~ What dogs? ~ Come on, girls!
Come on. Let's be having you!
Come on, after them!
Come on, girlies! Come on, girls!
Come on.
Let's be having you.
Go on, after them! After them!
Go on, that's it. Good girls.
Good girl. Come here.
Good girls. Lovely girl. Well done.
Public right of way, my arse.
I'll say who can come on to my farm
or not.
~ Thanks, Mr Bishop. ~ Larry.
~ So you found the dogs, then?
~ No, these are new ones.
Ex forensic sniffer dogs.
Probably give me no end of trouble.
~ Oh, well, they're lovely, Larry.
~ Aren't they lovely?
Idiot animals.
Well, if you're happy, I'll be off.
~ Let me know if you find any
treasure, won't you? ~ Will do.
Come on, girlies.
Come on, let's be having you.
Jolly good. Good girls.
Come on, keep up.
Come on, stop sniffing over there.
~ See you soon. ~ Bye.
Jolly good.
Well, we'll start off
in that corner over there.
"It's morphing time!"
Good luck!
We could swap if you like. This one
might be simpler to understand.
No, thanks.
I'm all right with this one.
~ Sure? ~ Yep.
I want to hang on to that one,
though.
~ Yeah? ~ Yep.
~ Why is that, then?
~ Someone might need it.
Really?
Yep.
~ You know, don't you? ~ Yeah.
~ How do you know? ~ Lance told me.
No, I figured it out for myself
but Lance confirmed it.
Are you pleased?
Yeah.
I found my gold.
Why do you want to give up?
I don't, but, you know.
No, I don't know.
Becky can't even begin
to comprehend this.
Well, why do you want her to?
Because it's important to me.
I want her to understand it.
Well, she does understand
that it's important to you.
That's enough, isn't it?
You don't need her to get into it.
It's a hobby, that's all.
Men have hobbies and women
don't understand them,
that's the way it's always been.
I mean, how many female
train spotters are there?
How many women commit to an afternoon
reorganising their vinyl
in alphabetical order?
You don't want to spend an evening
with a beautiful woman
just comparing comic book
collections, do you?
What you want is your partner to...
shake her head, roll her eyes
and look at you
and say...
"You and your hobbies!
"I'll never understand men."
I had a friend once.
He had a cactus.
Same cactus sitting on his windowsill
for 15 years.
And then one day,
someone gave him a second cactus.
And within six months...
.. he had to move to a bigger house
with enough space for
his cactus collection.
Now, a woman, she could have...
two, three cacti,
and she'd say...
.."Yes, that's probably
enough cacti for me."
~ What have you got? ~ Ring-pull.
'86...
shandy bass.
Pub?
Go on, then.
There's always tomorrow.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me
♪ Climb through the briar brambles
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I felt the touch of the kings
and the breath of the wind
♪ I need the call
of all the songbirds
♪ They sang all the wrong words
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm... ♪
My mate Paul,
he collected collections.
Wrote a memoir - Recollections
of a Collection Collector.
As far as I know,
it's still unpublished.
♪ Will you swim through the brine
and sea for me
♪ Roll along the ocean's floor
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ And with the ghost of the men
who can never sing again
♪ There's a place, follow me,
where a love lost at sea
♪ Is waiting for you
♪ Is waiting for you. ♪
~ What about him? ~ Dead. ~ No. How?
~ Fell off Beachy Head. ~ Fell off?
~ Yeah. ~ Not jumped? ~ No.
~ Jeez, that's unlucky. ~ I know.
~ What was he doing there?
~ Oh, he always used to go down there.
You know how people throw
themselves off Beachy Head?
Well, a lot of people throw
their wedding rings off
when they're getting divorced.
Jeff, he used to detect on
the rocks below the cliff.
Found hundreds of them there.
Anyway, he was on his way down and
he was wearing this massive cagoule.
Acted like a sail, caught the wind,
blew him off the edge.
Pity it didn't act like
a parachute on the way down.
Well, apparently it did to a certain
extent, but not enough to save him.
Certainly gave him enough time to
contemplate his imminent demise.
Hang on. Something's happening.
So Terry was right.
Bishop didn't want us digging
cos he buried his wife down there.
If that's the case, why did he
let us anywhere on his farm?
~ Yeah, they're removing the remains.
~ Body bag?
Tupperware.
~ It's still in there.
~ It's rubbish, mate. Leave it.
It's showing the same reading as the
gold I found. I'm not leaving it.
~ So... you were saying you were
round at Becky's mum's. ~ Yeah.
Becky wasn't in. She'd gone out
with some bloke from work.
~ Becky's mum told you that? ~ Yeah,
told me with glee. She hates me.
~ Well, what bloke? ~ Gay Martin.
Right.
~ He doesn't sound too much of
a threat. ~ Jeez, this is deep.
Whatever this is, it's been
in there a long time.
So, anyway, I phoned,
left a message, nothing.
I think I'm losing her. I think
I might have already lost her.
Look, there, a glint of gold.
There. Look!
~ I saw a glint of gold there. A coin.
~ Where? ~ This side of the hole, look.
~ Fucking pound coin. ~ No.
Fucking pound coin.
~ What's that doing nearly two foot
under the ground? ~ How old is it?
~ This year's. ~ Are you kidding me?
It's brand new.
Right, that's it. I've had it.
What am I even doing?
I found my gold.
~ I don't need to be doing this any
more. ~ What do you mean? ~ I'm done.
~ What, detecting?
~ Yeah. That was the last straw.
~ Come on, mate.
~ No. That's it for me.
Done.
Andy.
Andy!
What about me?
Hello, Lance. You all right?
What's going on?
See the sign?
~ There's no apostrophe in bargains.
~ Pardon?
Doesn't matter. What are you doing?
Closing down.
But I thought, you know, you asked
if I could lend you the rent.
~ I didn't say I wouldn't. ~ Oh, it
was obvious you didn't want to.
It's probably best we move to
where Tony can get a better job
and make a new start.
But I was going to, you know,
look into my finances
and I think I can probably
help you out with some of it.
Well, I need all of it
or nothing, really.
Some of it won't help.
~ Well, maybe if I...
~ Bloody hell, Maggie!
~ Do you have to leave stuff
everywhere? ~ Nearly broke my neck.
All right, Lance?
Come to lend a hand?
I'm sending the stock
back to the warehouse.
I can get a 50% refund
on some things.
And then I'm putting together
gift boxes of assorted stuff.
~ Sort of spiritual survival packs.
~ That was my idea.
It was Tony's idea.
Dream catcher, pack of tarot, joss
sticks, a few other bits of tat.
~ It's not tat! ~ Sorry, not tat, crap.
~ Tony! ~ She loves it.
No, I don't, you bastard.
~ Oi. ~ Ow.
~ Want a cup of tea, Lance?
~ Yeah, go on, then.
~ Protein shake, please.
~ Nothing for you.
It's not a done deal yet, mate.
Could still be a stay of execution.
Nothing's been signed.
You could still save the shop.
Me?
Yeah. Come on, mate.
Help her out. You can afford it.
~ What do you mean? ~ You know.
Your windfall and all that.
Your lottery win.
Maggie told me.
~ How did she know?
~ She told me ages ago.
She opened up a letter by mistake,
didn't she?
We've always known.
I thought you knew we knew.
I didn't know you knew.
Why do you think she's so keen
to keep you hanging around?
Go on.
If you help us out,
we won't have to move.
I'm not that keen to be going,
if I'm honest,
and you get to see her
whenever you want.
Or have you blown all your winnings
on your collections?
Do you take sugar, Lance?
I can't remember.
Hiya, mate.
If you get this, just wondering
if you're coming down the club
for this open day thing.
You're not serious about giving up,
are you?
Give us a call.
Cheers.
What time is it?
Quarter to four.
~ Did you hand out the flyers,
Russell? ~ I told you I did.
~ All of them? ~ Yes, all of them.
~ Louise, do you want to go and
check outside? ~ Not really, Terry.
I doubt if there's a queue of people
wondering how they get in.
~ Maybe we should open the door.
~ That'll help.
~ Does anyone want their face painted?
~ I'm all right, thanks.
Hugh?
No, thank you, Sheila.
Russell?
Go on, Russell. Show willing.
~ What can you do?
~ I could make you into a black man.
~ Black...? ~ Not really appropriate,
love.
A Chinese man?
Perhaps we should all get made up
as clowns.
Come on, Russell.
Let's stay positive.
Is this meant to be a fundraiser
or a recruitment drive?
Well, both, really.
Primarily a fundraiser.
Right.
How much have we raised so far?
~ All right. Don't be facetious. ~ Mm.
Perhaps we should charge
for the tea and coffee.
~ Well, you've got a nerve
showing up here. ~ I know.
~ I need to explain.
~ I'm not sure we're interested.
~ Look, I was used. ~ Yeah, so were we.
I thought the Antique Researchers
were the good guys.
They told me you were the treasure
hunters, stealing their permissions.
They were just taking the
information I was giving them
and moving into your land.
Are you an idiot? You're not able
to spot a wanker when you see one?
Oh, I'm quite capable of spotting
a wanker when I see one, Lance.
~ You calling me a wanker?
~ All right, that's enough.
~ Wanker. ~ You wanker.
~ Are you? ~ No, you are.
That's enough!
Look, be that as it may,
the damage has been done.
Well, maybe I can undo
some of the damage.
~ You've actually sold it? ~ Yep.
Prove it.
There.
I thought we could go away
somewhere crap.
You'll always hold it against me.
Whenever we argue,
you'll bring it up and say
I made you give up metal detecting.
Well, then, let's not argue.
Good idea.
Anyway, I won't.
I'm done with detecting.
Look, I found this.
Wow.
~ What are you going to do with it?
~ It's yours. I want you to have it.
Thanks.
What am I going to do with it?
I thought we could have it
melted down, made into a ring.
~ Really? ~ Yeah.
Are you asking me to...?
You don't need to do that.
OK, thanks.
Well?
Will you marry me?
We've split up.
OK, will you go out with me?
~ Yeah, OK.
~ And then will you marry me?
Yeah, OK.
I don't believe you've really
given up detecting, though.
I have. I promise.
You'll keep going off for secret
detecting trips with Lance.
~ Like Brokeback Mountain. ~ Oh, please!
~ You'd be lost without your hobby.
~ I'll get a new hobby.
~ Like what? ~ Golf.
~ Right. ~ Or fishing. ~ Brilliant.
I've come to take you home, Becks.
Please come home.
When you say you've come
to take me home,
how have you come to take me home?
You haven't got a car.
Yeah... all right
if we take your car?
~ And you can't drive. ~ No.
All right if you drive?
You are so gallant.
Can I have a lift?
My hero.
Cheers.
~ Have you seen Maggie? ~ Yeah.
~ Did you give her the money? ~ No.
She didn't even remember
if I take sugar in my tea.
Do you?
Course I do. It's bloody tea.
All right.
Oh, my God. It's Bishop.
~ I thought he was banged up.
~ Maybe he escaped.
Larry?
Oh, there you are.
Be careful, he might have
a shooter on him.
~ I've been looking for you chaps.
~ Everything all right?
~ Last time I saw you, you had
handcuffs on. ~ Bloody nightmare.
~ Spent the night in the cells,
can you believe it? ~ What happened?
They thought I'd killed someone.
Found some bones,
thought I'd killed my wife.
~ My wife's in Braintree, for God's
sake. ~ Whose bones were they?
Dog bones. I mean, you'd think
you'd check, wouldn't you,
before they started
arresting people?
Which brings me to why I'm looking
for you.
~ My stupid mutts have disappeared
off the face of the planet. ~ Really?
Not a sign, hide nor hair.
I thought I asked you chaps
to keep an eye on them.
Ah, well, they gave us the slip,
Larry.
Yes, well, I'm not surprised.
They're a bit of a handful.
Keep your eyes peeled, will you?
Oh, Larry!
~ Everything all right with the farm?
~ Oh, they've all cleared off.
~ Who? ~ All of them. Deserted.
The CID left when they realised
there wasn't a murder,
forensic boys went with them,
and then the history chaps,
the archaeologists,
followed soon after.
So they didn't find anything?
No, not a sausage.
So we're free to come and detect
on your land, then?
Well, you are. She's not.
~ Why not? ~ I thought you were
with the bad chaps. The rogues.
Oh, no, that's all been
sorted now, Larry.
~ She's made amends,
She's one of us now. ~ Oh, right.
Oh, jolly good.
I didn't like them. Threw them off.
~ Wise move. ~ Mm. Didn't trust them.
They reminded me of...
what do you call them?
Simon and Garfunkel.
Arseholes!
Anyway, come along
and keep your eyes open
for those hounds, will you?
~ Will do. ~ Cheerio.
Bye.
Hello, mate.
Why, where are you?
What is it?
All right. See you in a bit.
~ Can we stop off at the brewers?
~ Who's there? ~ Lance.
~ Here we go! ~ And Sophie.
Super!
Lance has got something to tell me.
~ And you've got something
to tell him. ~ What, about us?
No, that you've given up detecting.
Oh, yeah, we don't need to... Let's
not mention that for the moment.
I have given up detecting
but I think he's going to be upset
~ so I want to break it to him gently.
~ I wish I knew how to quit you.
Shut up.
Sophie has grassed up the Antique
Researchers to the National Council
for scattering copper nails
across our site.
The DMDC have been absorbing
the disillusioned Antique Researchers
and we are now officially affiliated
with both the museum
and the university.
The police have left Bishop's farm,
the MoD have left Bishop's farm
and the archaeologists
have left Bishop's farm.
Bishop has been released
without charge.
The bones they found were dog's bones
and Bishop's invisible dogs
have disappeared.
Sorry? His invisible dogs
have disappeared?
Yep. Vanished.
Well, that is going to make them
doubly hard to find.
~ So... ~ It's all back on.
~ You mean we can...? ~ Yeah.
Bishop's farm is finally ours
and I suggest we start digging here.
I mean, imagine what they've
brought up to the surface.
~ Why were they digging in that field?
~ Site of a previous excavation.
~ Did they find anything? ~ No.
On neither occasion.
Right. And you still think
that's the right place?
Well, it's a good place to start.
On a site that's twice been
searched but yielded nothing.
All right, geography degree,
where should we be searching?
Well...
.. if you're talking about a high
status royal Saxon ship burial,
it would have been on the highest
point of the landscape
with clear views of the sea,
which is this point here.
But you can't see the sea
from Bishop's farm.
You can't now. In Elizabethan times,
pine woodlands were planted
which thrive in this
naturally acidic soil.
But in the 6th and 7th centuries
that soil would have meant
hardly any native trees at all,
giving clear views all the way
to Southy Creek in the east
and the River Crouch in the south.
Look, you can't see it now because
a lot of this land has been built up
or forested, but clear away
all these features
and look at the natural contours.
There's a clear passage.
They would have sailed the ship
up the river to this point here,
taken it out of the water,
brought it up the valley
to this point...
here.
What?
No, I mean...
I see what you're saying.
Mm... it's interesting, certainly.
But I'm just worried that, erm...
Well, it's interesting.
So you think this field here?
Yeah, right there.
~ Is this still Bishop's land?
~ Yeah. Here.
~ Well, we should get right
down there. ~ Soon as.
~ Be there in an hour. ~ Yeah.
~ I'll give you a lift. ~ Cheers.
We'll take the stuff.
This has got to be a first.
Woman reads map.
One more time, Becks,
and then I'll give up.
It's your fault.
You shouldn't have pointed it out.
It's no skin off my nose. You were
adamant you had given up detecting.
It's the last time, I promise.
We're going find something
this time.
~ You're going to find it more
difficult than you think. ~ Why?
~ You've sold your detector. ~ Bollocks.
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, I know.
No, seriously, what the fuck is that?
Does that say Power Rangers?
~ The stickers will peel off.
~ No, leave them. I think they're
cool.
~ I sold my detector.
It's a downgrade. ~ Downgrade?
Better off with a paper plate
on the end of a stick.
What sort of penetration
is that going to give?
It's only going to pick up things
that are on the surface.
You're better off blindfolding
yourself, make it more exciting.
~ Luckily, I've brought a spare.
~ Thank God.
Yeah, not for you, Green Power
Ranger. You've made your own bed.
For you, Becky.
Oh, right. Cheers.
Andy will walk you through
the features.
It's a simple enough machine.
Not as simple as his divining rod!
Here. See if it works.
"It's morphing time!"
~ Got your headphones?
~ Doesn't have a jack.
~ Volume? ~ No. Just on or off.
Right, well, you're going to be
detecting
right at the far end of that field.
Who's this?
Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.
Welly, welly, well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Piss off, Phil.
Hello. What's this? A new detector?
It's all I need.
It's the Fisher Price
My First Metal Detector.
Sweet.
Funny.
Why are you here, Phil?
I just came down to tell you,
this isn't over.
~ Not by a long shot.
~ Shut up, Paul.
This site is too important to be
bungled by a bunch of amateurs.
~ Bungled? ~ Yeah, bungled.
~ Because that's all you're
capable of doing. ~ Bungling.
Yes, you idiot.
And when the NCMD find out what
a slipshod operation you're running,
we will be reinstated.
Oi! Get off my land! I thought
I told you two to stay away!
This pathway is
a public right of way.
I don't want you on it.
We have a civil right to be on this
land. There's nothing you can do.
I'll set the dogs on you.
~ What dogs? ~ Come on, girls!
Come on. Let's be having you!
Come on, after them!
Come on, girlies! Come on, girls!
Come on.
Let's be having you.
Go on, after them! After them!
Go on, that's it. Good girls.
Good girl. Come here.
Good girls. Lovely girl. Well done.
Public right of way, my arse.
I'll say who can come on to my farm
or not.
~ Thanks, Mr Bishop. ~ Larry.
~ So you found the dogs, then?
~ No, these are new ones.
Ex forensic sniffer dogs.
Probably give me no end of trouble.
~ Oh, well, they're lovely, Larry.
~ Aren't they lovely?
Idiot animals.
Well, if you're happy, I'll be off.
~ Let me know if you find any
treasure, won't you? ~ Will do.
Come on, girlies.
Come on, let's be having you.
Jolly good. Good girls.
Come on, keep up.
Come on, stop sniffing over there.
~ See you soon. ~ Bye.
Jolly good.
Well, we'll start off
in that corner over there.
"It's morphing time!"
Good luck!
We could swap if you like. This one
might be simpler to understand.
No, thanks.
I'm all right with this one.
~ Sure? ~ Yep.
I want to hang on to that one,
though.
~ Yeah? ~ Yep.
~ Why is that, then?
~ Someone might need it.
Really?
Yep.
~ You know, don't you? ~ Yeah.
~ How do you know? ~ Lance told me.
No, I figured it out for myself
but Lance confirmed it.
Are you pleased?
Yeah.
I found my gold.
Why do you want to give up?
I don't, but, you know.
No, I don't know.
Becky can't even begin
to comprehend this.
Well, why do you want her to?
Because it's important to me.
I want her to understand it.
Well, she does understand
that it's important to you.
That's enough, isn't it?
You don't need her to get into it.
It's a hobby, that's all.
Men have hobbies and women
don't understand them,
that's the way it's always been.
I mean, how many female
train spotters are there?
How many women commit to an afternoon
reorganising their vinyl
in alphabetical order?
You don't want to spend an evening
with a beautiful woman
just comparing comic book
collections, do you?
What you want is your partner to...
shake her head, roll her eyes
and look at you
and say...
"You and your hobbies!
"I'll never understand men."
I had a friend once.
He had a cactus.
Same cactus sitting on his windowsill
for 15 years.
And then one day,
someone gave him a second cactus.
And within six months...
.. he had to move to a bigger house
with enough space for
his cactus collection.
Now, a woman, she could have...
two, three cacti,
and she'd say...
.."Yes, that's probably
enough cacti for me."
~ What have you got? ~ Ring-pull.
'86...
shandy bass.
Pub?
Go on, then.
There's always tomorrow.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me
♪ Climb through the briar brambles
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I felt the touch of the kings
and the breath of the wind
♪ I need the call
of all the songbirds
♪ They sang all the wrong words
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm... ♪
My mate Paul,
he collected collections.
Wrote a memoir - Recollections
of a Collection Collector.
As far as I know,
it's still unpublished.
♪ Will you swim through the brine
and sea for me
♪ Roll along the ocean's floor
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ And with the ghost of the men
who can never sing again
♪ There's a place, follow me,
where a love lost at sea
♪ Is waiting for you
♪ Is waiting for you. ♪