Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Ballad of Booth - full transcript

Rather then letting Andrew try to oust Sam, whose job he got, while Orson is useless due to his wheelchair, Bree invites two cop friends to scare Sam into accept severance. Instead, he ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Eddie added his mother
to his list of victims.

How did it go?

Well, it would go a lot faster
if we could get his mother in here.

Nobody's seen her for days.

Bree saw a disturbing side of Sam.

I'm afraid of him.

Susan attacked
Mike's financial problems.

- So, is this everything?
- Yep.

Gabby got the truth.

I got involved with a bad guy.

You're not talking about Nick, are you?

No, Danny's father.
A really bad guy.

Grab whatever you can stuff
into a couple of bags.

Not without you. I'll send Danny.

And Angie faced her worst fear.

- Are you going to kill me?
- Can we discuss it in the morning?

And if you decide to run away,
say goodbye to Nick,

because he won't be around
much longer after you've gone.

Angie Bolen
was having trouble sleeping.

She kept dreaming about her life
and the choices she had made.

After all, it was her decision
to drop out of college.

It was her idea
to join a group of eco-terrorists.

She let herself fall in love

with their charismatic leader.

And she agreed to build him a bomb.

Angie knew her choices
had been bad ones.

How else
could she have ended up here,

with a man she despised?

Good morning.

- How long have you been sitting there?
- For a while.

I've been admiring your scar.
It is so beautiful.

What are you doing?
You should be proud.

It's a symbol of what we accomplished.

We killed a guy. I'm not so proud.

What is one life compared
to the planet? What we did was noble.

Tell that to his wife.

When did you stop loving me?

Was it while we were still together?
Or was it after Nick took you from me?

My wrist hurts. Uncuff me.

Answer the question.

- I never loved you.
- That's a lie.

In fact, I'm thinking
there's a good chance that you still do.

Don't touch me.

Maybe if we made love,
you'd remember.

We could. But you might not like it
when I vomit into your mouth.

You do realize I could kill you.

But you won't
because you need me for something.

That's true.

Well, don't just keep me in suspense.
Tell me.

You're going to make me
another bomb.

You could never make me do that.


Angie Bolen had made
some bad choices in her life.

You're going to be surprised
by what I can make you do.

And she now had no choices left.

Detective John Booth was not happy.

You see, someone had been killing
women in the town of Fairview.

And he hadn't a clue as to who it was.

For months,
he had pored over autopsy photos,

read psychological profiles

and interviewed witnesses.

But Detective Booth was still no closer
to finding the killer.

Until one day...

Booth speaking.

Really? Yeah. Okay.
We'll be right there.

What's up?

Some kids came across
a woman's body buried in the woods.

- Strangled?
- We'll find out.

Forensics is over there right now,
digging her up.

Hey, Eddie, we need to talk.

- Did I do something wrong?
- No.

I went to your house to see your mom.

You did? Why?

I wanted to ask her
to come to therapy with you.

Dr. McCarthy
thought it might be helpful.

What did she say?

Actually, she wasn't there.
I don't want to worry you,

but her neighbor
said no one has seen her for days.

Look, I'm sure that must sound
like a big deal to you,

but this has been going on
my whole life.

She's off on another bender.

And in a week or two, she'll come back,
like nothing ever happened.

So we don't need to call anyone?
You think she's okay?

Yeah. It's only a matter of time
before she turns up.

Okay, my plane's in an hour.

I wish you weren't going to be gone
for your birthday.

The girls
are going to be so disappointed.

The commission on this deal
is worth 40 grand.

I will dry their tears with dollar bills.

And don't worry.
I'll have your favorite dinner waiting.

That's okay, babe. We can
just go out to dinner and celebrate.

But I make you lasagna every year.

I know, I just don't want you to have
to go through all the trouble, that's all.

- I've got to go.
- Hold it.

You do like my lasagna, don't you?

- Sure I do.
- Liar!

Excuse me?

You were doing that thing you do
when you lie!

- What thing?
- Like I'm going to tell you!

I don't believe this! You've been eating
my lasagna for 11 years!

Actually, the ficus in the dining room
has been eating it.

- What?
- But on the bright side, it's thriving.

So, you're saying I make great mulch?

Look, I just never
wanted to hurt your feelings.

Until today.

Well, I've gotten older,
and my stomach's gotten weaker.

Look, I'm sorry, babe. You just don't
make it the way Mama used to.

That's because
your backstabbing mother

didn't have the decency
to give me the recipe before she died!

- She was run over by a car!
- Well, isn't that convenient?

Look, lasagna's a tough dish.
But I love your guacamole.

- I buy that at the store!
- Like only you can.

So, figure out my financial mess yet?

I've been going over these invoices
for three days, and I'm confused.

The payments don't cover
half of what you billed.

That's because not everybody's paid.

- Why not?
- They don't have the money.

Times are tough. A lot of my customers
are struggling just to make ends meet.

I wish I knew what that was like.
Wait. I do.

- They'll pay when they can.
- Honey, I love that I married a guy

who wants to unclog
the world's toilets for free.

But now it's time the people
pay the piper for the pipes.

It's not that easy.

I've known these people for years.
I can't just go shake them down.

You're right. I'll do it.

You? Hey, how are you going to do it?

Look at me.
Big brown eyes, quivering lips.

Once I tell them how our life
is falling apart, trust me, they'll pay.

No, Susan. This will never work.


But I don't know what we're going to do.

We barely have enough money
to pay our bills this month.

The insurance is due
and God forbid MJ get in an accident.

- Susan, sweetie, it's going to be okay.
- Still don't think it'll work?

Wow. You're scary.

- Can I go get our money?
- Be my guest.

Hey, hey, last year,
when I wanted to go fishing,

but you wanted to go skiing,
and you started crying...

I think it's best we don't discuss that
until we're out of this financial crisis.

I'm not scared of Sam.
If you're afraid to fire him, I'll do it.

No. I don't want to provoke him.
The man is clearly troubled.

And there's no telling
how violent he could get.

We're not intimidated. Are we, Orson?

Just how violent are we talking?

Hey, we'll do whatever it takes
to protect Mom.

Okay, but I am in a chair.
I don't know how good I'd be in a fight.

This thing tips over in a stiff wind.

Don't worry, Orson.
We'll think of something else.

What are you doing?

- Did that hurt?
- No.

Well, that's all I got.

You don't need to fight, Orson.
You're more of a strategist.

Okay, fine. We don't want to fight.

Why don't we hire someone
to rough him up?

I know a couple of ex-Marines.

- How do you know any...
- Don't ask.

- Hey, what about money?
- What about it?

Well, if we can't fire Sam or scare
him away, maybe he'll respond to cash.

Yes. He's always talking about
how he never had anything growing up.

I think one little severance package,
and we could be rid of this problem.

Brilliant idea, Orson.

You call writing a check brilliant?



- Mrs. Scavo
- Yeah?

I'm Detective Booth,
this is Detective Furst.

- Can we come in?
- Sure. What's this about?

Do you know an Irina Kosokov?

Unfortunately, yeah. And whatever
you think she did, she did.

I'm sorry?

She's a conniving, manipulative little
grifter who put my son through hell.

She's dead.

What? Are you serious?

- We found her body earlier today.
- She was murdered.

- What's going on?
- Uh...

These are policemen.
It's about Irina.

- Oh, boy. That didn't take long.
- Tom...

That little bitch couldn't even
get out of the country before she...

- She's dead.
...was taken from us too soon.

- Is your son Preston home?
- No, he's camping with his brother,

but thank you so much for coming by.
He's going to be devastated.

Actually, we're going
to need to talk to him.

Wait, you don't think he had anything
to do with this?

We found a letter
that Miss Kosokov had written to him.

Sounds like things ended pretty badly
between them.

Well, yeah,
he broke off the engagement.

But he wouldn't do that
and then kill her. It's an extra step.

Wouldn't you just skip the breakup
and get right to the killing?

- Why won't you stop talking?
- I want to, believe me.

- Just get him in as soon as you can.
- Sure. I'll call him right now.

Thank you.

I'm telling you, there's no way
Preston could have hurt that girl.

You guys should concentrate
on finding the real killer.

Don't worry. We'll find him.

- Brings back memories, huh?
- I'm not doing this.

I don't expect you to start today.
I'm still waiting on one more piece.

It's not going to happen.

Angie, there's this development
in Oregon.

They're planning to clear-cut
4,000 acres of old growth.

We've got to stop them.

And who cares if we kill a few loggers
in the process, right?

Saving the world is messy.
You used to be able to see that.

You know what I see now? A fake.

- What?
- You're a phony.

The only cause
you've ever believed in is you.

- I'm trying to save the planet.
- God, you still have that ego.

I was trying to save you, too.

Well, thanks for caring,
but Nick saved me.

And he showed me
what a coward you really are.

Do you really want to start talking
about Nick right now, huh?

God, how does it feel knowing
you'll never be half the man he is?

Angie, open up. It's Gabby.

- She won't go.
- I'm not going. I see your car.

You've got one minute to get rid of her,

or there's going to be
one less neighbor at the block party.

Come on in!

Hey, I need a lasagna recipe for Carlos.

Hi. I'm Anthony. Angie's brother.

You never told me you had a brother.

I'm sure she hasn't told you
lots of things.

What kind of lasagna does Carlos like?
Meat, vegetarian?

Have you seen Carlos?

What's all this?
Somebody kill a toaster?

Angie's fixing my remote control.
Giving it a little extra power.

Oh. You know how to do that?

Sure, she was an engineering major
in college.

Well, you know, I have an appliance at
home that could use some extra power.

And once I get to know you better,
I'll tell you which one.

- Got that recipe yet?
- Here you go.

- Thanks. What does this say?
- "Ten fresh tomatoes."

- Can't I just use sauce from a jar?
- No, you can't just use sauce from a jar!

You're right. No one will
ever know the difference. See you later.

Nice meeting you.

And a little word of advice, never
compare your wife to your dead mother

if you want to get laid on your birthday.

You know how to make a bomb
and you haven't used one on her yet?

I admire your restraint.

You wanted to see me, Bree?

I did. Please, have a seat.

Did you know that Rex set up
a trust fund for Andrew and Danielle?

No, I didn't.

Well, he wanted to be sure
they had a nest egg to draw from

in case something happened to him,
which it did.

- Why are you telling me all this?
- Well, Rex set up two trust funds.

He seems to have forgotten
he had three children.

And that's not right.

That's a lot of money.

Well, it's my way of apologizing
for my husband's poor memory.

I never expected anything like this.
Thank you.

You're very welcome.
And I hope you know

how much I have appreciated the time
you spent with us

and the work you did.

Truly, I wish you the very best.

That sounds like a goodbye.

Well, now that you have all this money,
you don't need to work here.

A young man with your skills
should feel free to go out into the world

and make his mark.

But I like it here.

Well, unfortunately,
I no longer need you.

You see, Andrew and I have made up,
and I'm giving him your job.


Don't be angry.
This is, after all, a family business.

- But I'm part of the family.
- Not really.

What are you doing?

You can't buy me off. I belong here.
I'm a Van De Kamp.

And if you ever insult me again,
you're going to wish you hadn't.

- Excuse me, are you Jake Walker?
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Susan Delfino,
your plumber's wife.

Hey. Mike's done us a few solids
over here. He's a good man.

Yes. And a proud man,

which is why he hasn't told you
that his business is really hurting.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, we're going to need you
to pay your bill

for the work he completed
four months ago.

Yeah, I wish I could, but it's a bad time.

- Are you okay?
- I'm sorry.

It's just we're having a bad time, too.

We can't cover our bills,
and the health insurance is due.

And God forbid
our son get in an accident.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry.
Kids bounce back.

"Kids bounce back"?
That's your response?

Look, my wife lost her job.
My truck needs a new transmission.

Well, maybe we could set up
a payment...

- Daughter needs braces.
- Even if it's just small...


"Nifit"? That's not an excuse.
That's just a sound.

Look, lady, I don't know how to tell you.
I don't have the money, okay?

So just leave me alone.

No, I'm not going to leave you alone!

You owe me money,
and I'm not going to rest until I get it.

I am going to make sure everyone
in your life

knows what a deadbeat you are.

When you go to work tomorrow,
I'll be there.

When you go bowling
with your buddies, I'll be there.

And when you go to the video store
to get your porn...

Okay, okay! I'll write you a check.


Thank you.


So, with the price of college
tuition being what it is,

and my mother
had that gallbladder operation,

well, we're just a little tapped out
at the moment.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

But Mike did re-pipe
your entire second floor, didn't he?

Yes, and I want to pay,
but we just don't have the money.

That's too bad. These are awfully cute.

Yes, my husband gives me one
every year on our anniversary.

- They're my babies.
- That's so sweet.

Please be careful.
I don't like it when people touch them.

Well, you know what I don't like?

I don't like when people take advantage
of my husband.

It makes me feel all clumsy.

I guess I could maybe pay you half.

Okay! The whole thing!
The whole thing! Let me get my wallet.

We'll be waiting.

I know I'm late in paying for the
water heater, but I'm on a fixed income.

There just isn't any money left
at the end of the month.

I mean, for me to even pay
for my medicines,

I've had to cut down to two meals a day.

So, even though I'd like to help, I can't.
I've got nothing.

You've got a nice watch.


Damn right, wow.
No cereal for dinner tonight, baby!

Mrs. Crowley, paid! Jim Peterson, paid!

And the ones that couldn't pay,
I took it in booty.

A clock, earrings, a menorah?

Sterling silver.

Hey, Mrs. Gottleib has a toilet
that flushes, doesn't she?

What happened to batting your eyes
and shedding a few tears?

Playing the victim got me nowhere.

Everybody had an excuse,
and I bought it.

Then, all of a sudden, I snapped.

Rage just started pouring out of me.

It was like my inner bully
had been released.

And one by one, I brought
those deadbeats to their knees!

For the first time in my life,
I've gotten a taste of power.

And you know what? I like it.

- You do know that's not a twist-off?
- Yes! That hurts!

I can't tell you what a rush it is to have
this adrenaline pouring through me!

Hey, I have an idea. Let's go upstairs
right now and have bully sex.

- Susan.
- I said now!

We can't.

Why not? I want to celebrate.

I brought home all this money today.

We're getting closer and closer
to the finish line.

Yeah, well,

the IRS just moved the finish line.

- Oh, my God.
- I know. We're screwed.

You know what? Old victim Susan
might have agreed with you.

But new bully Susan
is not going to take this lying down.

The way I see it,
the IRS is a government agency.

And the government only exists
because of the taxes that we pay.

So that makes me your boss,

and as your boss, I am telling you
that we need an extension!

Do I make myself clear?

- I'm a terrible bully.
- Yes. Yes, you are.

He didn't have to tack on
all those extra penalties.

- Did you know they could do that?
- Yeah.

- See, I didn't. Or I never would have...
- Yeah, I figured.

- So what do you think we should do?
- I don't know.

Between the taxes and the rest
of the bills, we're still screwed.

We've got nothing to fall back on.

We've got the house.

Sam, good, you're here. Come on in.

I thought you wanted to go over
the quarterly inventory.

Yes, but then some old friends
dropped by.

Sam Allen, I would like you
to meet Detective Turner

and Sergeant Clemente.

- So, you're policemen?
- Used to be.

- Bree catered our retirement parties.
- And did an amazing job.

Boy, do we owe her big.
Sam, have a seat. Have some tea.

- No, thanks, I'm not really a big tea guy.
- Come on. Take a load off.

We've got room here on the couch.

So, the officers were just sharing some
stories from their days on the force.

Tell him the one you just told me.

About the guy who was hassling
the nice lady?

Yes. Sam, listen to this.

This guy was so crafty.

Knew just what to say to scare the lady
without technically breaking the law.

Yeah. Our hands were tied.
Nothing we could do.

That must've been so frustrating.

Thanks. It was very frustrating.

Of course, if we encountered
the same situation today,

we'd handle it very differently.

- Oh? How?
- Well, we'd sit him down for a nice chat.

And if he wouldn't listen to reason,
then there are measures we could take.

Ooh! Sounds like a Mickey Spillane
novel. What kind of measures?

Well, you mind?

You pick up a phone book,
aim for the Adam's apple.

Let your fingers do the walking.

Or, or, or... Here, help me out here.

You dislocate those two fingers,
and smack him on the hand,

pop them back in,
and there's no evidence.

Goodness, it's hard to believe
you'd actually do such a thing.

If I had to.
I mean, if the situation came up,

I would hope
that the threat would be enough.


Sam, you're looking a little pale.
Would you like some more tea?

Or perhaps a macaroon?

No. I think I should be going.

Do you want us
to give you a ride?

I mean, we go right past
474 Ash Street.

I'm good.

I don't know why tea parties
have fallen out of fashion.

They're so much fun.

Okay, Porter, do what you can
to keep your brother's spirits up.

Drive safely. I'll see you soon.

Hey, Mrs. Scavo?

What's with the backpack?

Yeah, I've been thinking
that it might be good

if I moved back home for a little while.


Irina's dead. Your family needs time
to deal with that.

You don't need me hanging around,
getting in the way.

To be honest,
I already think of you as family.

Come on.
I've only been here a couple of weeks.

Your first morning here, you asked
if you could take out the trash.

Believe me, you were in my will
by 3:00 that afternoon.

Seriously. I think you should stay.

I want to.

But my mom's going to be back
from her bender any day now,

and I should be there.

That's so sweet of you. Your mom's
lucky to have a son like you.

You know, once you make sure
she's okay, you can always come back.

I don't think that's going to happen.

Is something wrong?
Did you not like it here?

No, no, it was fantastic.

I should just go. That's all.

Okay. Well, can I give you
a hug goodbye?

I can't help thinking

I would have turned out so different
if you were my mom.

What do you mean
you're moving off the Lane?

- You can't sell your house.
- We're not selling. We're renting.

I don't care. Either way,
you're not going to be living here.

Lynette, say something!
You're very persuasive.

I don't understand
why you have to do this.

Well, we've dug ourselves in
pretty deep financially.

We'll be fine.
It's just going to be for a while.


No, no! I love you for that, but, no.

We got ourselves into this,
we can get ourselves out.

Where will you go?

We found an apartment
near the school.

And there's a park around the corner.

And it's close by,
so we'll still be able to see each other.

I hope so. Because people
always say that, and then...

Well, I mean it.

So do we.


Danny, what are you doing here?

What are you talking about?
You texted me.

You told me to hurry home.

God, that wasn't me, Danny!
Get out of the house, now!

- What's going on?
- Just go! Danny, go!

What's the rush?

Remember that piece
I said was missing? It just arrived.

So, I've been thinking.

What are you doing here?

You know,
about what your cop friends said

about how effective threats can be.
I think they're right.

- Get out.
- I will.

But not before we do a little business.

What kind of business?

I want you to sign over
your company to me.


I'm talking about your catering clients,
your cookbooks, the frozen-food line,

all of it.

Are you insane? Why would I do that?

Remember the dinner you threw
to welcome me to the family?

Well, Danielle had a little too much
to drink. I hear that's genetic.

Anyway, she got pretty chatty,

kept asking me why I wanted to join
a family with so many secrets.

What did she tell you?

The same thing I'm going to tell
some of my cop friends.

And while I'm at it,
I should probably tell Carlos Solis, too.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about Andrew, your son,

getting into a car
and running down Carlos' mother.

So, should we draw up
the papers now or wait till morning?

It's a lot to take in, I know.

I don't believe you.

Look, I'm just trying to let you know
that when you're ready,

I want us to have
a traditional father-son relationship.

Are you serious?

I know. That sounded ridiculous.
And I'm sorry I had to tie you up.

Believe me, this is not
how I wanted this to happen.

But I have something important to do.
Once I'm done, I'll untie you,

and we'll have time
to get to know each other.

If you ever untie me, I'll kill you!

You're mad. I get it.

But eventually
you'll realize who you're mad at.

It's not the guy who spent 20 years
looking for you.

It's the people who spent 20 years
lying to you.

- What did you say to Danny?
- Just a father-son chat.

I swear, if you ever hurt him...

God, everybody makes me sound
like such a villain.

So, how's my bomb coming?

It would go a lot faster
if I could use two hands.

Well, we are on a deadline.

- Hello?
- Not her again.

I come bearing gifts!


You've got 20 seconds
to get her the hell out of here.

Hey, sorry to barge in,
but I did a test run,

- and I really need your opinion.
- Now?

Yeah, this has to be
the best lasagna in the world,

so when I shove it down Carlos' throat,
he'll know I care.

She'll try it later.
Thanks for stopping by.

I'm not going.

She won't go. Let me just cut a piece.

Two seconds. Because don't forget,
Danny's waiting for you.

Be right back, Gabby.

Well, I can tell you this much,
it smells great!

Come on!

This is my first magazine cover.
This is me when I did Vogue.

That's my daughter Juanita.
I don't know how that got in there.

Oh! And now the runway years.

Angie, you're keeping
your friend waiting!

Be right there!

Jeez, you scared the crap out of me.

I'm about to kill your neighbor.
You might want to get her out of here.

Gabby, I got to hand it to you.
You did a great job.

Really? You're not just saying that?

Fantastic. But would you mind
taking the rest back?

I'm just trying to watch my weight.

I get it. You're trying to cut out
all the crappy food.

- Did Mrs. Bolen like the lasagna?
- Well, she said she did.

And then she pretended
she was on a diet.

Well, I guess I can take a hint.

Honey, do you really think this is
the time to be cleaning out your purse?

Our son is being interrogated
for murder.

I have a lot of rage in me. Would you
rather I channel it into this or you?

I'd put the emergency tampon
in the zipper pouch.

Thank you.

Pres, how'd it go?

They just wanted to confirm the
timeline I was in Europe this past year.

That's it?

I guess they think the guy who killed
all those girls while I was gone

is the same one who strangled Irina.

Thank God. So, you're free and clear?

You okay?

I just keep thinking Irina would
still be alive if I hadn't brought her here.

I'll meet you at the car.

- Sweetie, wouldn't...
- Mom, let him go.

I think this whole thing
has really hit him hard.

How about Porter and I take him out,
shoot a few games of pool,

see if he wants to talk...

- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll see you back at home.

Did you hear they found
a second body in the woods?

They think it's some local woman,
Barbara Orlofsky.


Isn't that the woman we throw
in the drunk tank about once a month?

That's her.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

- We were hungry.
- So you picked it out of the trash?

You're worse than raccoons!


Well, since you had some,
what did you think?

Yeah? Well, the French toast
you made me for Mother's Day

wasn't so hot, either.

What the heck is that?

- Eddie?
- Mrs. Scavo.

What are you doing here?

Sweetie, it's about your mom.

Look, I know you're worried

she's passed out drunk
somewhere in an alley,

but you can relax. I just spoke to her.

You just spoke to her?

Yeah, like, a half-hour ago.
She's at my Uncle Pete's in Florida.


In fact, I was just getting ready
to fly down there.

We're going to try to check her
into rehab.

So, if you don't mind.

Thank God. They must have gotten
the name wrong.

What are you talking about?

Oh, um...

Well, I was just at the police station
with Preston.

They found another body
and they said it was your mom's.


But you just talked to her, right?
They made a mistake.

You didn't just talk to her.

And your mom's not in Florida, is she?

I really wish you hadn't come here.

People make choices every day.

And those choices are what define us.

Some of us choose to be loyal,
though we're angry and hurt.

Some of us choose to be brave,

though we're frightened
out of our minds.

Others choose to strike out,
when they could have walked away.

But what about those poor people
who are trapped by circumstance?

What happens to those
who have no choices left?