Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 3 - Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else - full transcript

Desperate Housewives S05E03 Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (Les tyrans) (VO&VF+STFR&EN)

Susan's new boyfriend met the family.

- Who are you? -Hi

I'm Mike, the ex-husband.

Gaby's life was no longer glamorous.

It's official. I've lost everything!

First, our money, then my figure, now
the last threads of our social standing.

We have a home,
and we have two beautiful little girls.

Danielle's decision was devastating...

Please, just don't take him!
Benjamin is all I have.

You're gonna have
to find something else.



And Edie's new husband
showed a dark side.

I would consider it a personal
favor if you'd apologize to Edie.

- No.
It seems to me that

a woman like you would like to
keep the few friends that she has left.

I think you'd better go.

- Why would you bring me flowers?
- 'Cause you got a computer,

and I need to find out
some stuff about Edie's husband.

Benjamin Katz was 6 years old,

and there were a lot of
things he didn't understand.

He wasn't sure why
the woman you call "mommy",

isn't always your mother.

Or how the man who
was always there for him,

could suddenly be taken away.

Or why you could go for a ride,



and never come back home.

Yes, there were a lot of things
Benjamin Katz couldn't understand.

And no one seemed in
a hurry to explain them.

Here they come, finally.

Things will be a
little strange at first,

so please, be on your best behavior.

I do not require lectures on tact.

I know. It's just that
we've missed Benjy so much,

and it's taken so many olive
branches to get them to come back.

- I'm aware of what's at stake.
- Good. So if you feel an impulse

to criticize something,
you'll keep the thought to yourself.

I've already started.

What a delightfully ethnic ensemble!

- Hey, Mom, Orson.
- Hi, Danielle.

I want to meet my husband, Leo.

It's nice to meet you in person.

Lovely to meet you.

Who's this little linebacker?
Hi, Benjy. Remember me?

I'm not sure.

That's okay.

That's what this visit is for.
Getting to know each other.

We have you for the
whole weekend, right?

Yep, whole three days.

Good. 'Cause we've made lots of plans.

We're gonna take you to the
circus if it's okay with your folks.

Can I go, Danielle?

"Danielle"?
Did he just call you "Danielle"?

Well, it is my name.

Yes, I'm aware of that. I picked it.

I'm just concerned people
might view it as a sign of...

disrespect.

By "people," you mean you?

Leo, look at all the luggage
you have here. I'll give you a hand.

Oh, thanks.

Let me be clear.
I do not want him calling me "Bree."

Don't worry.
I told him to call you "granny."

Yes, Benjamin Katz was only 6 years old,

but even he could understand,

this was going to be...

a long weekend.

Any child will tell you
that where you find a playground,

you will also find...

bullies.

Young tyrants who bring pain,

intimidation...

and violence.

What can children
do in the face of such torment?

Well, there is one obvious option,

but not every child is
eager to go running home to mother,

to mother.

Hey, honey. How was the park?

Wait. Hold on.

Mommy just found her first gray hair.

I need you to grab it,
yank it and never speak of it again.

Look at your face. It's scratched.

What happened?

Nothing.

And your shirt is ripped.

That's the second time this week.
Is someone picking on you?

Who is it?

Is it Jeffrey Hixon,
that weird kid who eats paper?

Is it Timmy Crowley?

His mom slept in her car last night.

Who knows what's going on there?

Is it that boy from your
birthday, the one who slugged the pony?

Sweetie.

I know you're upset, but
you'll feel better if you talk about it.

And there's nothing you can't tell me.

I'm your mommy.

I wanna talk to daddy.

We'll give him a call.

You're not gonna find another one
in this condition. The car is a classic.

What do you think, Nabila?

I like it. I don't love it.

Tell you what. Gaby and I
want to find our car a nice home.

So I'm prepared to knock a grand off.
What do you say?

I say knock off 5 grand, and we'll talk.

Come on. It's already priced way below
blue book, not to mention it's mint.

This is not mint.

Can you not
see this ding in the bumper here?

This car goes zero to 60 in 5 seconds.

By the time someone says, "Wow,
a ding!" you're in the next county.

4 grand, you got yourself a deal.

Deal.

What? No! No, no deal!

The nondriving
blind guy does not speak for me.

would you excuse us?

We've been trying to move this
car for a month. We need the cash.

Isn't there any way we can keep it?

This car's the last thing
I have that tells the world,

"I'm better than you."

Sorry, babe.
We have to pay the mortgage.

We can't afford to
be better than anyone.

Here.

Take good care of her.

Actually,
it's not for us. It's for our nanny.

That one hurt.

What'd you dig up on Mr. X.?

You mean Dave?

Nothing yet.

- It's been two days. What gives?
- For starters,

when I search for "Dave williams,"
I get a million and a half hits.

To narrow it down,
I'm gonna need more information like,

where he was born, went to school,
did he serve time in the military.

If he served time,
it was in the state pen.

Morning, ladies.

- Sick bastard...
- How are you?

Your sprinkler system working okay now?

Like a charm. And thanks again.

I've never
been able to get that to work.

I hear ya. To program those things,
you need an engineering degree.

You got one of those?

Anyway...

really appreciate it.

Take care.

I just can't go through with this.

He just strikes me as so nice.

That's supposed to comfort me,
given your track record with men?

Katherine, please.

The guy is bad news. I can't prove it,
but I feel it in my bones.

I can't sit
around doing nothing when I know that

Edie's waking
up every morning next to him.

If anyone finds out we're doing this...

No one will know.

And when they do,
they'll probably thank us.

Because I'm telling ya,

this guy is up to something.

Cleaning out
the old garage - my deepest sympathy.

You settling in okay?

They finally delivered my flat screen.

I was dying without it. It is 65 inches.

Sweet!

The play-offs are on.

You should come check it out.
It's like being right on the field.

Lynette's really busting my hump
about clearing this place out, so...

Maybe later. The game doesn't
start for a couple hours.

- We could order giant sandwiches.
- Sorry but,

check back with me,
make sure I survive this whole thing.

Why are there two piles?

That's the pile that I'm throwing away,

and this is the stuff I still need.

You need unopened mountain
climbing equipment from 1986?

You don't climb mountains.

Not yet, but someday.
You know... who knows?

I know. You get winded
just climbing out of the tub.

You're never gonna climb a mountain.

You know what else
you're never gonna do?

Learn german, make your own beer or...

have 8 minute abs.

Not the ab-tastic!

Toss it, and keep tossing until this
2-car garage can hold at least one car.

Tell me you're not
getting rid of your bass.

No point in hanging on to it.
Being in a band...

just one more thing I'll never do.

Before he moved, Mike and I, we used
to get together on saturdays and just...

jam. Man, that was fun.

You know, I play the drums.

Maybe you and I should jam sometime.

- I guess we could.
- Maybe even later today?

You know what? Just give me a couple
hours. I gotta stash these old Playboys.

I'll see you later.

Remember, you can't just start
grilling Edie, or she'll get suspicious.

We have to be subtle.

I'll just follow your lead.

Sorry I'm late. What a great idea!

I haven't done this in ages
- a fun lunch with the girls.

Yeah, it's fun.

Where was Dave born?

What?

We were just wondering
where he got his great...

manners.

He's got that gentle bearing of a...

southern gentleman.

No, he's from somewhere in the midwest.

"Somewhere"?

You don't know where
your husband grew up?

He showed me a picture
of his childhood home once.

It had a cow in it. I lost interest.

Honestly, how can you be married
to a guy and not know these things?

You know what?

I think it's time to order.
Where's our waitress?

I'll be right with you, Mrs. Mayfair.

No problem, Debbie. You take your time.

She's such a sweet girl.

She's saving money for college.

Speaking of which...

- where did Dave go to college?
- Come on, Debbie!

While we're young!

- I don't know.
- All right.

- What about high school?
- Why are you asking me these questions?

It's just odd that
you're married to some guy

- you don't know anything about him.
- Other than the fact,

that he's a lovely man.

He... fixed my sprinkler.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I'm going to the ladies' room.

Your subtle approach got us nowhere.

I've been through a lot with this baby.

I hate to sell her but,

with my new sports car coming,
I don't really need it.

Here she is.

How's it look?

- Be glad you're blind.
- We have to be practical.

We just need something to
get us from point "A" to point "B."

- Let's buy the thing.
- Just let me handle this.

So... do we have a sale?

I don't know...

We like it. We don't love.

No one buys a car
like this and loves it.

It's all about the price.
And you're not gonna do better.

About that price,

you're gonna have to drop it.
Look at all these dents.

It's also missing three hubcaps,
and it's got a hanger for an antenna.

Full disclosure - it's a piece of crap.
You want it or not?

I'll tell you what.

Since your mom and I are dear friends,

I'll take it off your
hands if you knock off $300.

And since my mom and
you are dear friends,

I'll resist the urge
to flip you the bird.

Unless you lower this price,
we're walking... right now.

See ya.

I mean it. This is it.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Fine. Knock off $200
and we'll give you cash.

100.

Will you at least have it washed?

I'll empty the ashtray. Final offer.

Damn you.

You beat me again!

Curse you and your
diabolical checkers prowess.

All right, Orson.
Don't overexcite him on the upholstery.

So, Danielle, what would
you like me to make as a side dish

for your welcome home party?

I can do anything so long
as it complements beef tenderloin.

Actually, we don't eat meat.
We're vegetarians.

Excuse me?

So is Benjamin.

Since when?

Since I realized that
meat was a byproduct of murder.

Would it be more acceptable
if I shopped for a suicidal pork loin?

It's no big deal.

I'll just make a nice Risotto.

This isn't about dinner.
This is about her nutty liberal politics

getting in the way of
our grandson's nutrition.

He gets all the protein he
needs from cheese and beans d tofu.

This isn't just about nutrition.

Do you want him to be teased
at school every time he pulls

tofu out of his lunchbox?

Actually, that won't be an issue.

Danielle is homeschooling him.

Excuse me? You're teaching him?

Yes. I take it you have an opinion?

So instead of sending
him to a proper school,

you're gonna give him the
benefit of your straight C average?

He's only 6, and he's already
reading at a third grade level.

What happens next year
when he overtakes you?

Best behavior, remember?

I am sorry, but am I supposed to sit by

while she degrades
his body and his mind?

Fine.

Cricize my parenting all you want.

I don't care, because you

don't get to decide
how he's raised anymore.

I'm his mother.

And by the way, mark your calendars,
'cause seven years from next saturday -

Benjamin's Bar Mitzvah.

Isn't this cool? Dave brought
his drums over so we could jam.

- Your boy is pretty good.
- And we figured out. We got bass,

we got drums. Mike plays guitar.

I think Orson plays keyboards.
You see where I am going with this?

I do, but I'm hoping I'm wrong.

- We're gonna start a garage band!
- And I wasn't!

If we get good enough,
we can even get a couple of gigs.

How fun would that be?

"Gigs"? Did you just say "gigs"?

All's we need is a
little time to practice,

a few nights a week, some weekends.

What?

Just until we get the
rhythm section all dialed in.

I need to... dial you in
to some gigs you already have,

which are running a restaurant,
being a husband and a father.

And I thought you said you wanted
to spend more time with your family.

But we could play clubs.

He's just having a little fun.

Guys need to blow off steam.

Could you just... for a sec?

You know I'm right.
You're far too busy for this.

You can't just decide for me like that.

If I wanna play bass,

I will play bass.

I'm not hurting anybody.

Those of us with hearing beg to differ.

You know what?

Please leave our rehearsal space.

Come on, Tom. This is not your...

It's mine! No!

Give it! Give it!

- Give it to me!
- It's mine!

Guys! Knock it off back there.

God. What now?

What's up?

You sold me a lemon. That's what's up.

- What are you talking about?
- Your car!

I took it to a mechanic,
who told me the radiator's shot.

That. Yeah.
It's been giving me trouble for years.

Just use the jug.

- What jug?
- It's in the trunk.

You keep it full of water, and when
the radiator overheats, you fill it up.

And try not going up hills and
stay in the shade as much as possible.

I can't drive around
avoiding gravity and the sun.

Sorry. If you want a car with no flaws,

buy a new one.

Or I could get the radiator fixed,

which is gonna cost $300,
which you are paying for.

Remember full disclosure?

Crap?

This is your car. It's your problem.

That's it. I wanna talk to your mother!

She's in a meeting right now.
Can I take a message?

Damn it, Andrew.

You tell Bree to call
me by the end of the day.

May I ask what it's regarding?

We'll talk about it more later, buddy.

Why don't you go play for a while?

- What did he say?
- He won't tell me who's picking on him,

but he did ask me to
teach him how to fight.

He's only 5. I don't want him fighting.

I'm sorry, but every boy has to
learn how to throw a punch eventually.

If you wanna give him a leg up,
you could teach him a little Capoeira.

Capo-what?

It's a brazilian martial
art that incorporates dance.

'Cause there's nothing scarier
than a guy coming at ya with jazz hands.

That's funny, but actually,

the dance part's to catch
your opponent off guard.

- Like that?
- No.

There's a little more nuance to it.
Like that.

Where's the "dance" part?

There it is, Ginger!

You know what, boys? Not in the house.

Oh, my God!

- Give it back! It's my ball!
- It's my ball now.

You leave him alone.

Is that who's been picking on you?
Juanita Solis?

She is going to get a big surprise,

because your daddy is about
to turn you into a killing machine.

M.J., can I talk to
your mom for a second?

What?

I can't teach him to hit a girl.

That's not just any girl. You saw her.

She could take down a small deer.

It doesn't matter.
If it wears a skirt, it's off-limits.

That is sexist.

If feminism means anything,
it's that it's okay

for a big,
mean girl to get her butt kicked.

You, teach him one of those
brazilian kung fu cha-cha things.

I'm with Mike.

You can't hit girls.

Couple of wusses. I'll handle it myself.

Oops! Didn't see that coming.

Just for that, I'm breaking
my rule about not hitting girls.

We have a problem.
I just saw Juanita push M.J. down.

Really?

It's not the first time.
Juanita's been bullying him.

I'm sorry. I'll talk to her.

Thank you.

And don't worry.
No one will hear about this from me.

Hear what?

That M.J.'s getting
beat up by a little girl.

A girl...

Are you suggesting that
Juanita is fat for her age?

Juanita's fat for your age.

Let's face it.
M.J. could get beaten up by a kitten.

You know what?

Maybe you could teach your daughter
how to use her words and not her fists.

Or maybe you could teach
your son to grow a pair!

What you looking at?

Just some old pictures.

Can you guess who that little girl is?

That's your mom way
back when she was your age.

What's she eating?

A hot dog.

No way.

Yes. Your mother loved hot dogs.

Every day at lunchtime, she'd say to me,
"Mommy, I want hot dog."

How come she doesn't eat them now?

Because she's all grown-up.

Hot dogs and hamburgers are
what make little boys and girls

grow up to be big and strong.

And now that she's grown-up,
she doesn't need them anymore.

Doesn't mommy want
me to be big and strong?

I've been asking myself that all day.

Maybe she's afraid if you get big,

you'll leave home and
go play for the Red Sox.

But I want to get big.
I want to play baseball.

In that case...

Can I?

You have to promise
not to tell your mommy.

What do you think?

It's like tofu, only better.

Yes.

It is.

When Tom Scavo threw
himself into his new hobby,

his wife told herself it was a phase,

and it would pass quickly.

But three hours later, she realized,

it could not pass quickly enough.

So Lynette began to plot against

her husband's instrument of torture.

- Careful, honey.
- Sorry.

You could break your dad's guitar and...

It was at that moment,

her daughter provided
her an idea for a...

simple accident...

and...

a clean alibi.

Damn it!

Is everything all right?

It was lying in the middle of the floor!

How in the worid did that happen?

Has Penny been playing in here again?
I've told her a million times!

I'm sure it was an accident.

- Please don't yell at her.
- This was a $1, 600 bass.

I can't afford to replace it.

Penny Lynn Scavo!

Where is she?

She's up in her room.

I'm gonna go play outside.

Wait. You forgot your whistle.

This is just to be on the safe side.

If Juanita comes around,
you just blow it.

I'll be right there.

Good boy.

Give me back my whistle!

Juanita Solis, don't you move!

You are in big trouble!

What's on your head?

Nevermind.

What did you do to M.J.?

He wouldn't let me blow his whistle.

So your solution was to push him down?

Do you think that's nice?

How would you feel
if someone did that to you?

I wouldn't care.

Really...

- You don't think it would hurt?
- Even if it did...

I'm not a crybaby like M.J.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to see how it felt.

Are you okay?

I saw that! Kids, get inside!

First off,
it wasn't as bad as it looked.

Really? 'Cause it looked
like you body-slammed my daughter.

I barely tapped her. She was milking it.

That's your defense?
You were only assaulting her "a little"?

I was trying to teach
her not to be a bully-

something she should
have learned from her mother.

I'm sorry.
I was too busy trying to explain to her

why M.J. doesn't wear a dress
like all the other little giris.

This conversation is over.

Tell Bob and Lee that I'll
pay for the dent in their lawn.

You did not!

I did.

You know what?

We've both been
incredibly childish here,

and it is time one of us
took the high road, so I am now

going to walk away.

Please take note of
this conflict resolution,

and try to pass the
lesson on to your daughter.

You can dye that hair all you want,
but the gray's just gonna keep coming.

And they call me white trash.

You got a minute?

Sure. Come on in.

I heard there was a little accident.

So...

I got this for Tom.

You bought Tom a new bass?

It's not as smooth as his old one,
but it's good.

We can't accept this.

It's mostly selfish on my part.
I was having too much fun.

Sorry, but,

maybe you could go
skateboarding with Orson.

All right. Forget about me.

Tom was having fun.

And from what I've seen, he needs it.

And what makes you think
you know what my husband needs?

Just something that I saw the other day,
when you were,

making him get rid of all his things.

You mean his junk?

It may be junk to you, but to Tom...

that was stuff he
was gonna get around to.

You know what a midlife crisis is?

I'm married to a 45-year-old
man who has a red convertible.

I think I know.

But you know how it happens?

A man gets to a certain age,

and he realizes...

he's gonna die someday.

Really die.

And what's worse is that
he's everything he's ever gonna be.

He's never gonna be rich.

He's never gonna climb a mountain.

Some guys do,

bad things when they get
those thoughts in their heads.

By comparison, playing in a garage band,

it seems pretty harmless.

So...

my marriage is in trouble, and you're
gonna save it by giving Tom a bass?

I'm not.

You are.

Most of the guys in my class
went into corporate law but,

I wanted to do something that
would influence environmental policy.

That's how he ended up at the E.P.A.

Where did you study law?

Cornell.

I'm jealous. I always wished that
I'd gone to a school like Cornell but,

it just wasn't in the cards for me.

How about you, Dave?

Me? No. Wasn't in my cards, either.

So where did you go?

After listening to Leo,
I'd be embarrassed to tell you.

So... E.P.A.

What's your opinion on
global warming - fact or fiction?

Hold on, darling.

Mrs. McCluskey asked you a question.

Tell her where you went to school.

I think she was just
making conversation.

Then why don't you
tell me where you went?

After all, I am your wife.

Shouldn't I know?

Actually, I didn't go to college.

I took a job out of high school because
my family was having a hard time.

Not having a degree is something
that has always been embarrassing to me,

especially when I'm
with people... who do.

So, my darling, is there anything else
you'd like to quiz me about in public?

My... childhood stuttering?

My dad's drinking problems?

No. I'm... good.

I came to say I'm sorry.

You attacked my child and then me.
Why should I even listen to you?

I brought booze.

Come on in.

I have this rule,

no toy guns.

Except everything that M.J. picks up,

whether it's a hairbrush,
a hanger, everything,

he pretends it's a gun.

What do you expect? He's a boy.

That's my point!

I know nothing about raising boys.

And I think M.J. has figured this out,

so he goes straight to
Mike whenever there's a problem.

But that's okay.
Mike's a great Dad.

Sure, on alternate weekends.

That's fine...

until... M.J. needs his daddy,
and his daddy's not there.

It's not your fault.

We split up, so it's at least
half my fault any way you slice it.

If it's any consolation,
Carlos is a hands-on, full-time dad,

and I still feel like I'm
not getting the job done, like...

I'm not preparing them enough.

Preparing them for what?

For how hard life is.

I have to admit, when you
told me Juanita was bullying M.J.,

my first thought was, thank God!

Let her do the pushing,
just as long as she's not a victim.

I don't see any kid
of yours being a victim.

You're the strongest person I know.

I used to be.

Look at my life.

I've been beaten down.

I thought I had you beaten today,

and the next thing I knew,
I was eating grass.

Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.

Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Maybe you're right.

This is nice.

We should rumble all the time.

To Susan Mayer,

good mom.

To Gabrielle Solis,

another good Mom.

Mommy, we're hungry!

So?

There's waffles in the freezer!

And get mommy some ice!

Isn't this nice?

For the first time in years, my
family is all here under the same roof.

Here's to many more meals together.

Welcome home.

Cheers.

I don't feel good, Danielle.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Let's get you to the powder room.

Here we are - mushroom risotto.

There's an unfortunate coincidence.

I'm so sorry. I'll clean it up.

You take Benjy upstairs. I'll get it.

Orson, could you get the mop, please?

Oh, my God.

Is that meat?

Of course not.
Does this look like meat to you?

It's... hard to tell.

Just so we're clear, what I'm
about to throw up is a western omelet.

That is not meat.

That piece right there,
that's definitely meat!

Still waiting on that mop.

- What did grandma give you to eat?
- She said not to tell.

You gave him meat
and then told him to lie?

I gave him a hot dog, all right?

He liked it so much,
he asked for another.

Two hot dogs?

I can see the second
one was clearly a mistake.

Come on, Leo. We're leaving.

Danielle, please.

I'm sorry, She's made it impossible
for us to stay in this house.

Danielle, wait.

We can still drink, right?

I've apologized till
I'm blue in the face,

but they're still
leaving in the morning.

You're not speaking to me, either?

They're just mad.

Things will be better next time.

You honestly think
there'll be a next time?

It took us three years
to talk them into this visit.

It took you one day... to ruin it.

I'm truly sorry.

It's just, seeing...

all these mistakes that she's making
with Benjamin, it's just so hard for me.

You know what hard for me?

When I left for prison,

Benjamin was in my house,
he was in my life.

He called me "daddy."

And when I came home, he was gone.

And you think that's my fault?

Yes, I do.

You weren't here.

She came back.

She was married to a lawyer.

And don't forget, she is his mother!

I tried to fight, but...

You should've fought harder!

I was on my knees.

I was sobbing. She said "no"
and then ripped him out of my arms.

You have no right to say that to me.

You kind of blindsided me tonight.

I know. I am so sorry.

I was clearly uncomfortable.

I don't understand
why you kept pressing me.

Honestly,
it was all Karen McCluskey's fault.

Really? How so?

She kept asking me all
this stuff about your background,

why I don't know more about you and...

I should've just
never let her get to me.

It's okay, sweetie.

Now I understand.

Kind of sad when you think about it.

What do you mean?

Maybe you guys don't notice
because you're so used to her.

But her behavior reminds
me of my grandmother,

when we first started to notice...

the dementia, that is.

You think Karen's going senile?

I remember my poor grandmother...

started getting so paranoid.

She thought people were
breaking into her house and...

stealing her things.

We finally had to put her in a home.

I just hope that
doesn't happen to Karen.

I want my 300 bucks.

I told you.

It's your car. You deal with it.

That's it? No compassion?

No, "hey, let's split
the bill and call it even"?

Look at it this way.

You're not losing 300 bucks.

You're gaining a valuable
lesson - buyer beware.

True.

Here's a valuable lesson for you.

What's wrong with you?

Give me my money,
or next time we're trading paint!

- You're bluffing.
- I am tired of being a victim.

And trust me, that is no bluff.

You touch my car,
and you're paying for it.

Luckily, I'm insured.

Wait. Our policy lapsed.

Hope you'got good coverage.

Wait!

I'll get my checkbook.

I prefer cash.

Bullies...

any adult will tell you,

the playground is not
the only place to find them.

Everywhere you look, you can
find people unconcerned or unaware

of the pain they inflict.

It might be a neighbor,

preying on the suspicions
of her friend...

Or a daughter punishing
the choices of her mother.

Or a housewife seeking justice

from the man who sold her a car.

Yes...

There are bullies everywhere.

And the worst are the
ones who take advantage of you

without you ever knowing...

what they've done.