Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 1 - You're Gonna Love Tomorrow - full transcript

Five years ago,
Susan Delfino gave birth to a son

in Delivery Room A
of Fairview Memorial Hospital.

Moments later, Lila Dash gave birth
to a daughter in Delivery Room B.

Around 10:00 the next morning,

as the two new mothers
were leaving the hospital,

they nearly ran into each other.

Of course, they never knew this.

In fact, Susan and Lila
would have been surprised

to know how often their paths
would cross over the years.

They almost met
at the local coffee shop,

and another time
at their veterinarian's office,



and again
in the bleachers of the Fairview Flyers.

But despite these close calls,
Susan and Lila never met.

Until one Tuesday,

when Susan decided
to take her husband

to a fancy restaurant
for their anniversary.

At the same time,

Lila decided to take her daughter
to buy some ice cream.

That was the night that Susan Delfino

and Lila Dash
finally ran into each other.

Mike!

It will happen
to all of us eventually.

The moment will come
when we ask ourselves,

"Where did the time go?

"How did the children I once cradled
grow up so very quickly?



"How did the life I dreamt of
turn into a career I never expected?

"And how did that woman
I saw each day in the mirror

"become someone
I don't even recognize?"

Juanita, this dress is awfully tight.
I don't think you can get into it.

No, it's pretty. I can do it.

How's that one fit?

I think we're gonna need
the next size up.

There is no next size up.

They don't make princess dresses
for girls over seven.

She's only four and a half.

Oh.

Wow.

Look, my daughter was invited
to a princess party,

so I can't let her be the only girl
there without a princess dress.

Did you try the costume section?

I bet they'd have a Mrs. Shrek dress
that would fit her.

Juanita, take off the dress!
We're going!

No! I can do it.

Look, I feel for you.
My niece also has a weight problem.

My daughter does not have
a weight problem.

She has a little baby fat. That's all.

In fact, the only problem she has is
this store being completely unprepared

for a perfectly average
four-year-old girl!

Uh-oh.

Just ring it up.

No, no, no!

For God's sakes!
What's wrong now?

Once again, the concept is, sweetie,

you're taking the pie out of the oven,
your face aglow with surprise.

- And why am I surprised?
- Because it turned out so perfectly.

Well, that's no surprise.
My pies are always perfect.

All right, it's your best pie ever.
You've topped yourself!

Mmm-hmm.

And I know this before I've tasted it?

Sweetie, just make
whatever face you want.

I just think you'll sell more cookbooks

if you don't look like
you just made love to an ice cube.

Andrew, dear,
I'm going to take a little break.

Would you please tell this gentleman

that if he calls me "sweetie"
one more time,

I'm going to grab his camera
and take a picture of his colon?

You got that, right?

Katherine, hi.
What are you doing here?

The waiters need to be paid and
you took the key to the cashbox. Again.

Oh. Sorry. Paid for what?

The Armenian wedding?
Lunch for three hundred?

It was right after the breakfast
for the Garden Club,

which you also missed.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know
a photo shoot would take this long.

I mean, who knew it would be this hard
to pose for a book cover?

Oh. You'll be fine.

If there's one thing you're
really good at, it's posing as a chef.

Okay, Katherine, I know this book
has been monopolizing my time

and you feel overworked
and undervalued.

But I do appreciate you.
In fact, I have a gift for you.

It's the galleys of my new book.
Read page two.

"For Katherine Mayfair. A wonderful
cook and an even better friend."

You dedicated it to me?

Well, you make this all possible.
It's the least I could do.

Excuse me.
Time is money. Chop-chop, sweetie.

Andrew, do we have a back-up pie?

Yes. Yes, we do.

Good.

And the big blind
catches a jack on the river!

- Preston?
- Mom!

What the hell's going on here?

Don't freak out.
We're just playing cards.

Yeah? Why didn't you play at home?
Why did you have to sneak in here?

Tequila shots, five bucks!

Ah!

Asked and answered.

Okay, that's it!
Everybody out. Game's over!

Can I have your chair for a second?
Hey! Look up here!

Mom's here, party's over, door's open,
out you go. Go on, shoo!

Wow.

You guys have pulled
a lot of stupid stunts.

But this... This! Risking
our liquor license, our livelihood...

Who's going to find out?

I mean, we've been running this game
a month and nobody...

Unbelievable!
You guys are grounded for two weeks.

- But we have Homecoming.
- Yeah, yeah, keep complaining,

I'd love to make it a year.
Now clean this place up. Now!

Wow. That was fantastic.

Amazing.

- You were incredible.
- So were you.

Oh. And... Time to go.

Susan, it's been what, four months?

Are you ever going
to let me spend the night?

I don't know. Come on, zippy, zippy.

Okay. It's just, you know,
girls usually beg me to spend the night.

Well, good. Then you shouldn't have
any problem finding a place to sleep.

Fine. I know the drill.
I can't spend the night.

I can't meet your friends.
I can't meet your son.

I'm just wondering, is this ever going
to turn into something normal?

You know, you're a guy.

And we just had hot sex
and I didn't force you to cuddle.

So, run, go, brag to your friends!

Look, I like you.
And I know you like me.

So why can't we be a couple?

Because I'm not ready for that.

And what we've got,
that's all I can handle.

Go.

Okay, but that's only going to work like,
500 or 600 more times.

- Good evening.
- Can I help you?

Wrong question.
The question is, can I help you?

Look, if you're trying to sell me
something, I don't have any money.

You do now.

I don't understand.

I'm here to buy you out of your lease.

- What?
- I know it's sudden.

But there's something
about this house that...

Well, just feels like home to me.
So I'd like to move in tonight.

- Tonight? Are you crazy?
- A little bit.

Okay, here, I will more than cover
your moving expenses.

Look, I'm all set up here.

Besides, my landlady
would never allow it.

Why don't you let me worry about her?

No. I don't have anywhere else to go.
I think you should leave.

Look, Raymond.

- How do you know my name?
- I made you a very generous offer.

And I just know you're going to make
the right decision. Five.

Five what?
What are you talking about?

- Four.
- Are you... I don't understand.

- Three.
- Okay, hang on for a second.

Two.

Well, Raymond, thank you very much.
There you go. Take care.

All taken care of, Mrs. Williams.

Thank you, Mr. Williams.

The next morning
Edie Britt decided

to announce her return
to Wisteria Lane

in a way that was guaranteed
to make a big splash.

Okay, you're not going to believe this,
but she's back.

Edie? Is that really you?

You know someone else my age
with a body like this?

So you're back?

What happened to your tenant?

He came into some money
and decided to move.

We thought, what the heck,
let's move back!

"We"?

You don't know?
I have a husband now.

Really? Whose?

So I'm in Vegas,
talking to this real estate convention.

I do a little motivational speaking.

And there, sixth row, center aisle,

is the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen.

So after I finish,
I walk into the audience

and I ask this goddess out.

His seminar was called
"Getting What You Want," and he did.

Three times. Before dinner.

Well, it's certainly nice
to meet you, Dave.

And let us be the first to welcome you
to Wisteria Lane.

You know what?
We should have a dinner or something.

Let's make it a party.
We could do it at my restaurant.

- We'd be honored.
- Thank you.

So, Gabby, I have to ask.

What the hell happened to you?
Look at you, your clothes, your hair.

Carlos might be blind,
but the rest of us aren't.

- I had two children.
- For what? Breakfast?

Edie. On your first day back
in the neighborhood?

You're right. I'm sorry, Gabby.

It was rude and insensitive
and it won't happen again.

Really?

Okay.

Now, shouldn't we offer your friends
something to eat?

I baked some muffins.

Please don't take this the wrong way,
but we love you.

Mijita, lunch is ready.
Go get your sister.

Carlos, what's with all the cheese?

You know how Juanita feels
about brussels sprouts.

I'm just trying
to make vegetables more fun.

Well, next time give her a carrot
and put her on a roller coaster.

Have you tried to lift her lately?

I know she's gotten chubby.
She'll grow out of it.

We can only hope,

with your DNA
running through her veins.

Hey, I do not have fat DNA.

Don't make me pull out
the Solis family photo album.

It's like a bunch of sea lions
posing on a rock.

Well, I'm sorry my relatives
don't measure up

to the group of stick-thin drunks
that you come from.

All I'm saying is that our daughter
has a weight problem,

and the sooner we admit it, the better.

She's only four.

But, you know, you want her to develop
a weight problem, go ahead.

Nag, criticize, make her feel
self-conscious. See what happens.

And obviously,
I'm not getting through to the twins,

because no matter what I say,

they keep pulling this crap
and I am sick of it.

Honey, could you...

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- So you want me to talk to them?
- You have to.

I'm tired of being the bad cop.
You walk the beat for a while.

Fine. You know, boys this age,

they're more likely to listen
to their dads anyway.

- I can handle this.
- I really appreciate it.

Honey, you know what I'd appreciate?
Could you?

Sorry.

So, Kirby has aces
in the hole,

which means that Bobby will have
to wear a dress to school on Monday.

Okay. You've got
to get a picture of that.

Oh, my God.

Tom? Could I talk to you a sec?

Yeah.

Don't you think you were kind of
sending the wrong message in there?

I know we don't approve
of what they did.

But you've got to admit, come on,

starting their own casino
is kind of creative.

Yeah, creative.
Like selling fake IDs was creative.

And hot-wiring McCluskey's car?
That was a work of art.

Honey, honey, this is nothing like that.

I mean, look, the whole school
is talking about their card game.

Do you realize? It was like
the place to be on a Monday night.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- You think they're cool.
- Well, yeah.

No, I mean you think they're cool
in that you want to be them.

- Oh, please.
- You do.

This is Tom, former high school nerd,

living vicariously through
his awesome-ass kids.

Hey, I was plenty cool in high school.

Are we redefining "cool" to include

playing trombone
in the marching band?

Okay, hey...

You're overreacting.

They're a little high-spirited,
but I trust them.

So, I've decided to un-ground them
for the Homecoming dance.

But I told them they couldn't go.

And you told me to handle it.
And I just did.

By the way, it wasn't a trombone.
It was a tuba. Know your brass.

Juanita!

You said I could have cake.

I know, but so much? You could've
gone back for a second piece.

This is my second piece.

And it's not Juanita's fault.

In this kind of situation,
I blame the parents.

Look, my kid would
eat sugar all day long if I let her.

Gabby's obviously one of those moms
who just can't say no.

It's a shame, too.
Juanita has such a pretty face.

Mmm.

I'm back. You want something cold?

Actually, I'm in the mood
for something hot.

You know, this is why it's taken
four months to get my house painted.

Haven't you ever heard
that expression,

"You can have it done fast
or you can have it done right"?

I think I'll have it done right now.

Hey, Susan?

Uh, Lynette, it's not really a good time...

I just need five seconds to bitch
about Tom, and then I'll...

Oh, my God.
Your painter isn't done yet?

Uh...

Yeah, he's hard to keep track of.

Well, anyway,
Tom refuses to acknowledge

that the twins are turning
into juvenile delinquents.

- I mean, just the other day there I was...
- Oh, you poor thing. You need a hug.

Have you been drinking?

I'm sorry to have barged in.

Thanks for letting me
get that off my chest.

Hey, any time that you need to talk,
you just ring my bell. And wait.

Okay, new rule.

From now on,
sex only happens in the bedroom,

door closed, between the hours
of 7:00 and 10:00 p.m.

You know what?

It would be a hell of a lot easier for me
to follow the rules

if I knew why they existed.

I just don't want my friends to know.

- Why? Are you ashamed of me?
- No, of course not. It's just complicated.

I'm just a simple guy.

I can't be your dirty little secret.
I need more from you.

I'm sorry. I can't give that to you.

Honey, I know you want to go home
and watch your cartoons.

But you had a lot of cake.

So, I was thinking
I'd take you to the park.

That way you could run around
and get some nice, fun exercise.

- No.
- You sure?

Running around in the sun and
fresh air would make you feel good.

Um...

No.

Okay. Why don't you go
throw that in the trash.

And I'm gonna get the car started.

Hey, Juanita. Wanna play
a new game on the way home?

- Winner gets a new doll!
- Okay.

Well, come on, then!

Hey!

Mommy, what are you doing?

It's a new game I invented.
And you're winning, one to nothing!

Katherine.
Fantastic news.

What's Cooking, Fairview?

Is sending out a camera crew tomorrow
to do a piece on me and the book.

Oh. Which I just finished this morning.

- You read it already?
- Yes. I couldn't put it down.

But I have to tell you,
at least a dozen recipes

are missing a pretty crucial ingredient.

- Really? What?
- My name.

Excuse me?

Bree, your book is filled with recipes
that we developed together!

- And some of them are flat-out mine!
- Don't be silly.

I may have based
a few on your recipes,

but I always changed something.

Like what? The font?

Name one difference
between this meatloaf recipe and mine.

Well, yours calls
for minced curly leaf parsley.

Mine calls for minced flat leaf.

It's minced!
Who can tell the difference?

Bree, you have recipes in here
you can't even make!

I've never heard anything so absurd!

The croquembouche cake
with the spun sugar netting?

I've never once seen you work
with molten sugar.

I always make that cake!

Really, Katherine.
Just because I let you execute

a few eye-catching garnishes
that gratify your need to show off

doesn't mean that I can't do them
just as well myself.

You "let" me?
I thought we were partners.

We are.

That's why your name's
on the dedication page.

You were right about
the dedication, Bree.

It really was the least you could do.

Wow, 18 to zero.

Two more points
and you'll break the record!

Mommy, I'm tired.

Really? I thought running through that
guy's sprinkler would've refreshed you.

- Now come on.
- No.

Uh-oh.

It looks like Mommy's going
to score her first two points.

Come on, Juanita.
Show Mommy what a winner you are!

Juanita, what are you doing?
Juanita, stop!

Juanita! Juanita!

And while I thought grounding you
was an appropriate punishment,

your dad convinced me I was being
a little too hard on you guys.

- Absolutely.
- And so we have decided

to let you go
to the Homecoming dance tonight...

That's right.

...in your father's convertible.

Hold on. What?

Come on, Tom,
I mean, we trust them, right?

Yes, yes. I would trust them more
if they were driving your car.

No. You don't want
two cool kids pulling up

to Homecoming in a mom car.

Especially with that big dent they put
in it last month. Here you go.

- Dude.
- Thanks! Thank you!

Don't thank me. Thank your father.

- Thanks, Dad.
- You rock.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Some ground rules.
No muddy shoes on my floor mats...

Tom, relax.

You high-spirited kids do
whatever it takes to have fun.

And in three, two, one...

Welcome back to
What's Cooking, Fairview?

We're talking with Bree Van De Kamp,
Fairview's premier caterer,

who's about to publish
her very first cookbook.

Bree, could you show us inside?

This is my kitchen and this is my staff,

the most gifted, hard-working team
a cook could ever have hoped for.

I cannot say enough good things
about them.

So which one of you has worked
with Bree the longest?

That would be me.

So tell me, what's it really like
working with Bree?

It's inspiring.

There's absolutely nothing
she can't do.

Katherine, I'm blushing.

Working with her has been
such an education that I...

Oh, God! Are you all right?

I think I strained my wrist. God, it hurts.

You poor dear!
Could someone please get some ice?

Oh, no.

Oh. And I was just about
to put the spun sugar netting

on our famous croquembouche.

Would you mind doing it?

Katherine,
I'm sure your wrist is just fine.

No, it's really throbbing.

Okay! It looks like Bree to the rescue!

Be sure you get this.
It's really something to see.

The secret to spinning sugar

is a special whisk that makes lovely,
gossamer threads.

Careful, dear. You're clumping.

I can see that.

That stuff's hot!

Sorry!

Oops!

So that's your idea of exercise?
Having her run after a car?

Carlos, our daughter sucked down
half a sheet cake!

And afterwards
no one could find the candles.

Wake up. We have got a problem.

I just don't think the solution
is to humiliate her.

Even if she's heavy, doesn't she have
the right to feel good about herself?

Hey, I'm protecting her.
She doesn't know the truth yet.

Women only have five seconds
to be young and beautiful,

and then it's gone.

And then before you know it,
we're old and fat and married,

and wondering where our beauty went.

Gabby.

No, Carlos. I mean,
sometimes I'm glad you can't see me.

Five years and two kids,
and no time for facials or the gym,

it just takes a toll.

When Edie saw me the other day,

it was like
she didn't even recognize me.

Listen to me.

Nobody knows your face
better than I do.

I see it every time I kiss you.

In five years or 50,
you will always be beautiful.

You hear me?

And now, to finish, you simply transfer

your spun sugar
to the croquembouche,

and gracefully drape it around
in a delicate swirl.

Did I mention that you probably
shouldn't be wearing jewelry

while working with spun sugar?

Well, there's no law that says
it has to be a delicate veil.

I mean, it could really just be
a beautiful little white ribbon.

Turn off the damn camera.

Actually my wrist
is feeling a little better.

Why don't I give it a shot?

What you doing?

Okay, where are they?
It's 30 minutes past curfew.

Actually, it's 32.

If there's a single scratch on that car...

I mean, after all the time
I've spent restoring that thing.

Yeah, remember when you spent
the entire day on the Internet

trying to find a new gearshift knob?

Worst anniversary ever.

I cannot believe that you did this to me.

I know. That car is your baby.

If only there was something
I felt that intensely about.

Wait, there is! My actual babies.

You think I don't care about our boys?

I know you love them.

But sometimes you find them
so cool and entertaining,

you forget to parent them.

- Lynette...
- No, listen. This is important.

When they were little
and they'd act out,

and we'd always say,

"Relax, they're young.
When they're older, they'll get it."

Well, Tom, they're 16 now,
not getting it!

We have a lot of work to do
in a very short time.

And if you and I aren't in sync,
I'm afraid it's not going to happen.

Hey, sorry we're late.

Yeah, but, Dad,
you have to hear this story.

We just pulled up at an intersection,
and there were these two hot girls...

I don't want to hear it.

You ever hear of a thing
called a cell phone?

We're only, like, 35 minutes late.

Yeah, 35 minutes during
which time your mother and I

- have been worried sick.
- But, Dad...

You broke the rules,
there are consequences.

You're both grounded for a month.

This sucks.

You're only doing this
because you were worried

- about your precious car.
- You think? Get out of my way.

Any other opinions you'd like to share?

Thank you. But you didn't have to...

That mirror was scratched.
I already ordered a new one.

You know the day destroys the night

Night divides the day

Try to run

Try to hide

- Mrs. McCluskey! You're still alive.
- It's nice to see you, too, Edie.

This is my husband,
Dave Williams.

So how did you two meet?
You run a free clinic or something?

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Karen McCluskey.

- Edie's best friend on the street.
- Well, it's a real pleasure to meet you.

- What are you doing here?
- I just need to talk to you.

Not here. Go home. I'll call you.

- When?
- I don't know. Later. Just go.

I have to say, ladies,
this is quite a shindig.

Glad you're enjoying yourself.

Yeah, I mean,
there's really not a lot of people

who go to this much trouble
to say they're sorry.

- Excuse me?
- Well, the party.

It's just a beautiful way to apologize.

Edie, this is not a "we're sorry" party.
This is a "we forgive you" party.

You forgive me?

Well, I think what Gabby means is,
you were fairly awful to us

right before you left, and this is our way
of welcoming you back

to hopefully not do it again.

You gotta be kidding.

You froze me out!

You threatened to ruin my business
and you ran me out of town!

You know, it's taken me five years
to stop hating you!

Great party, ladies.
Thank you very much.

Now, mind if I steal my wife?
Sweetheart?

Isn't that your painter?

Is it? I can't tell.

- Excuse me.
- It's okay.

All right. Calm down! I'll take care of it.

You. Come with me.

Why would you humiliate me in front
of my friends? Are you a lunatic?

I'm just trying to get through to you.

And, yeah,
it's making me kind of crazy.

Susan, why can't I meet your friends?
I mean, am I really that horrible?

No, of course not.
My friends would love you.

Then what is the problem?

The problem is if you meet my friends,
then we're in a relationship.

And I can't be
in a relationship right now.

But I promise,
I will make you very happy.

Well, maybe I don't deserve
to be happy.

Um...

A few years ago,
there was this car accident.

A bad one.

Take the high road?

Did you hear
what those smug bitches said to me?

Edie, it's important these people
like us. It's our home now.

I never should've let you talk me
into moving back here.

Why? Why were you so gung-ho
on Wisteria Lane?

Listen to your husband.
We can be happy here.

But we need these people to like us.

Why?

Lt'll just make everything easier.

That was an accident.
Susan, you can't feel guilty about it.

You know what, Jackson,
you're not going to say anything

I haven't already heard a million times.
I only told you because I...

I just want you to understand
why I can't let you in my life.

Uh...

Do you mind if I hang out
for the next few months,

and see if you change your mind?

Yeah, I guess I could handle that.

Well, why don't you go
have fun with your friends?

- Just call me when you're free.
- Okay.

Please, Danielle.
You have no right to take him!

I have every right! He's my kid!

Danielle, we agreed I would raise him.
We agreed it would be best!

You said it would be best!
I've had no say in anything!

But I am married now.
And Leo's a lawyer.

So do yourself a favor
and don't try to fight this.

Please, Danielle...

We can have
any arrangement you'd like.

Please, just don't take him!

For God's sakes, Orson's gone.

You kids are grown.
Benjamin's all I have.

Well, you're just going to have
to find something else.

Honey, come to bed. It's after 2:00.

The cooking show agreed
to redo my segment.

I want to make sure
it's perfect this time.

Well, I won't tell you how to run
your business. It's your baby.

Yes, it is.

- Hey, MJ ready?
- Yeah, he's upstairs waiting for you.

I told you the brakes were squeaking.
I asked you to get them checked.

- And I checked them.
- I meant a mechanic, not you!

It was not the brakes, Susan.

And if it had been,
it wouldn't have mattered.

- They crashed into us!
- And we killed them, Mike!

- We didn't kill them. They died.
- They were a mother and a child.

She was a mother, just like me,
with a child, just like ours.

And if it weren't for us,
they would still be alive.

We have been over and over this,
Susan. It's like you want to suffer.

It's like you don't care at all,
like you feel nothing for those people.

I can't do this again. I just can't.

Hey. Did you pack your dinosaur book
so you can read it with your daddy?

- Sure did.
- Good.

Okay, you have fun, sweetie.

So I thought I'd bring him back Sunday
around 6:00 or so?

Fine.

Well, have a good weekend.
You doing anything special?

Well, I sort of started seeing someone.

So I might do something with him.

Good for you.

Yeah.

It goes by so quickly.

In a flash
the life we knew is gone forever.

And we are left to ask ourselves,
"How could he have left me?

"When did my beauty start to fade?

"Why has my friend changed?

"Was I the best mother
I could've been?"

Of course, there are some people who
understand how quickly time passes.

That's why they're so determined

to get what they want,
before it's too late.

Hello, Dr. Heller.
I've been meaning to call you.

Yeah, I was getting concerned.

You're required to check in
once a month.

It was a condition of your release.

Oh, come on, that was a year ago.

But to be honest,
the meds are working so well,

I kind of forgot about you. No offense.

Dave, once a month. Not optional.

Message received, Doc.

But seriously,
you don't need to worry about me.

I'm great. I'll talk to you in a month.

Just tell me.

What are the magic words
that I've gotta say

so that you'll let me out of here?

Dave,
you've been here six weeks,

and you don't seem any closer

to coming to terms with your rage.

I have come to terms with it.
And I like it just the way it is.

The charges were dropped
because you agreed

to put yourself in a doctor's care.

I'm not going to authorize your release
until I see some real progress.

And what's progress supposed
to look like to you, Doc?

Should I just plaster
some fake smile on my face

and pretend this thing
that's inside me isn't eating me alive?

Because I can do that, if you want.

I need to make sure you're
not a danger to yourself or to others.

Listen, I've never been
a danger to myself.

And as far as the others
are concerned,

there's only one person
who should be worried.