Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 4, Episode 7 - You Can't Judge a Book by Its Cover - full transcript

Lynette's estranged sisters, Lydia and Lucy, come to visit where they argue over taking in their irresponsible mother, Stella, who continues to be a nuisance to everyone. While having dinner with Susan and Mike, Bree and Orson rea...

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

Danielle had her baby...

...on halloween.

You said my father
didn't care about me.

Katherine revealed a secret.

I want you to imagine the worst thing

That a father can do to his daughter.

Lynette got great news.

I got the test results back.
You're clean.

While Mike tried to ease his pain,

Victor... You know what my dream is?

...reached out to Gaby .

Don't run away, Gaby .
But if you do, take me with you.

And Edie got revenge.

Don't take it all out on Gaby .

Carlos decided to make
a fool out of you.

The thing you need to know
about Victor Lang

Is that he was not above
using deception.

Whether it was an
insincere promise

To a campaign donor,

Or the artful evasion of a
reporter's question,

Or an outright lie to his constituents,

Victor did what he had to to
get what he wanted.

But thanks to some
compromising photos,

He learned that his wife

Knew a little something
about deception as well.

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For the last time,
Carlos , stop calling me.

I told you, i just wanna talk.

And i told you it's over.
So what,

You're just gonna go back to that
chicken-lipped albino? I don't know.

I'm taking it one day at a time.

But what i can say about Victor is

He doesn't lie to me about how
much money he's got. Look,

I said i was sorry.

Oh, that's great.
Yeah, well, i-i gotta go, Bree .

It's Bree .

Okay, so i just informed my staff

That i'm taking the next month off

To give my wife the
honeymoon she always wanted.

That's amazing.
Where should we go? Well,

I left some travel
magazines in the bedroom.

Why don't you go get 'em? Oh!

Oh, my god, Victor .

A month in rio sounds like
heaven, doesn't it?

Oh, it does.
Let's do it. Ooh!

Hey, why don't we kick
off our reconciliation

With a little weekend on the boat?

That's so romantic.
I love that. Huh?

Just you and me, all alone,
out in the middle of the ocean.

The girls are gonna be so jea Lou s.

Oh, no, no, no, let's not tell
anyone we're going.

It'll be our little secret.

Yes, Victor was not above

Using deception to get
what he wanted,

And what he wanted now

Was revenge.

The next day on Wisteria Lane
began with a bit of deceit.

Bree Hodge told her friends

She had given birth in the
middle of the night

To a beautiful baby boy.

And thanks to the healthy lungs
of Benjamin Tyson Hodge ,

It didn't take long for Bree 's friends

To engage in some deceit of their own.

Well, he's just a little piece of heaven.

You're so blessed. Makes me wanna
have another one myself.

Orson, you better take
Benjamin to the other room

Before my friends run out of lies. Ah.


They don't appreciate a healthy
pair of lungs, that's all, huh?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on, Benjamin .

Hey, Lynette , you tell everyone your news?
No. This is about the baby.

Wait. Did you have that final scan?

Did you hear something?
Well, the results are back,

And while you can never
actually say you're cured--

She's cured!

Oh, my god!
Oh, yeah!

I have to get checked every six months,

But, yes, the doctor is very optimistic.

Hey, what the hell is all this racket?

Someone win the lotto?

Oh, i was just telling everybody
the good news about my...


Hey, congrats!

I'm a survivor myself.


Ooh, muffins.

Hey, show some class.
Introduce yourself.

Hi. I'm Stan .

Is th--is that my robe?

Yeah. Sorry, uh...

If i knew when i walked into
that card club last night

That i would be going home
with this lovely lady,

I'd have packed me
a change of clothes.

Okay, i get it.
We'll get out of your hair.

Come on, handsome.
Let's take a shower.

Mike, how long are you gonna be?

We've gotta get this food over to
Bree 's before it gets cold.

You know, Susan , i don't feel like
going over there tonight.

Can't you just drop it off?
No, they just had a baby.

We're gonna "ooh," we're gonna "ahh,"
and then we're gonna eat.

But i'm tired.

I worked all day.
I got a job first thing in the morning.

There's no way out of it, Mike .

Just do what you need and downstairs.

This is what we do in the suburbs.

Ah, yes...

The suburbs.

And how does Danielle
like her baby brother?

Oh, she adores him.

She just felt terrible that she had to
leave for school so soon.

Speaking of which, we have some
extra preschool applications

If the two of you are interested.

Isn't it a little early to
be talking preschool?

She just got pregnant.
Our baby still looks like a sea horse. Oh, honey.

You'd be surprised how
fast the best schools fill up.

And only the best for our kid, right?

I'd start saving your pennies.

Bonny briar's up to $10,000 a year.

10,000 dollars...

For used legos and a potty chair?

And you'd better apply now.

Debbie gottlieb had her baby
the same day i did,

And she could only get wait-listed

At her first three choices.

Oh, by the way, we were invited
to her bris this saturday.

Well, make an excuse for me.
I thought you liked Debbie and Lou .

Oh, i do.

I just don't care to watch them
ritually mutilate their child.

More moo shu, please.

Circumcision's not mutilation.

It's a simple surgery

Meant to promote lifelong
masculine hygiene.

It's a, uh, traumatic procedure

Which reduces the male's
capacity for sexual pleasure

By desensitizing the tip of--

We know what it is.

Gee, i don't think i've ever heard

Such strong opinions on the subject.

I mean, not that it's something i talk about a lot...

Or ever.

I hope i didn't offend you.

I haven't heard a word since "$10,000."

It's just that i remember my own
circumcision so vividly.

Oh, that's ridicu Lou s.

My parents disagreed on this issue, too.

My dad said no.

So mother just bided her time

Until he finally left town on business.

I was 5.

She told me we were
going for ice cream.

That's why the procedure should
be done on babies.

They won't remember.

Now can we please just drop this?


So, Susan ,

You mentioned something
about bringing dessert.

What is it?

Ice cream.


Oh, so you found the chocolate sauce?

Oh, uh, yeah, it's right here.

Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
I was just taking a couple of aspirin.

I hope Orson 's rant didn't
give you a headache.

Oh, no, i've just still got a little
pain from my accident,

That's all. Still?
That was nearly two years ago.

Well, it's just a twinge every now and then.

Aspirin does the trick.

No, no, no, no. I'll get that.

I thought you kept your
boat at the yacht club.

Yeah, i wanted to leave from here.

This way, we avoid the congestion at the marina.
Where's the crew?

There's no crew.
I let 'em go.


Who's gonna bring us umbr Ella drinks

And salute us when we walk by?

Just consider me your one-man navy.

So you're gonna drive this thing by yourself?
Well, you can help.

Didn't that captain give you
lessons last summer?

Oh, that's right--

Those two boring hours
i'll never get back.

Well, the good news is this trip will be
anything but boring.

We need to talk about this Stan thing.

Oh, is that his name? Stan?

Uh, when he left,
i just sort of said, "see ya."

Well, it got me thinking

About how much you've had to
put your life on hold

These past few months.
No big deal.

No, it was a big deal.

You have taken amazing care of me.

But i know you have so many things
you wanna get back to.

Mm, not really.

Come on. It must be driving you crazy

Living with five screaming
kids underfoot.

I don't blame you for wanting a
little peace and quiet.

You need to leave, mom.


Okay, i-i know i shouldn't have brought...

Stan into the house.

And next time, i promise you we
will do it in the car.

It's not just that.

It's the smoking and the swearing

And the teaching the kids how to
make a whiskey sour.

It's a science, Lynette .

It's called mixology.

I just think it would work
better for everyone

If you got your own place.

Okay. With what money?

You have money, right?

I mean, you loaned us that $10,000.

Yes, i did.

Wait a minute.

That was all the money you had?

You guys needed it,
and i needed a place to stay.

It seemed like it turned out
pretty well for everybody.

What do you mean?
I thought you were living with Lucy .

Your sister kicked me out.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Lynette ,

But your cancer couldn't
have come at a better time.

Hey, i need your help with a school thing.

Wow. You never ask for my help.
Must be something easy.

What do you know about Dylan 's dad?

We've got this
genealogy project for school,

And she wants to find out about him.

Maybe Dylan should ask her mom.

She gets really weird talking about him.

Why is that, by the way?

Okay, don't tell anybody i told you this.

Her mom said something at my party

About her dad being
abusive towards Katherine ...

And maybe Dylan , too.

Oh. So i'm thinking that it would be better

If you could get her to research
somebody else in her family.


Maybe you're right.

Listen, i-i was talking to my mom, and--


I heard.

Susan? Hi. It's, uh,
Bree . I'm glad you're home.

Uh, listen, i-i thought i might
stop by for a little visit.

Look, i've only got, uh,
about an hour before my next job.

Uh, is it okay if i grab lunch in front of the tv?

I wanted to watch the game.
Oh, sure. I'll--i'll bring up a tray.

Oh, thanks.

Bree thinks you're doing drugs.

She found this on her kitchen floor,

And it's not aspirin.

Well, you know, my
shoulder's been hurting lately.

She says it's a narcotic,
and it's highly addictive.

Given your history--

Whoa, whoa, Susan ,
these--these were prescribed by a doctor

Right after my accident.

I found a couple in the medicine cabinet,

And i've been carrying 'em around

In case my shoulder acts up. Really?

Yeah. Really. They were the last two.

So you got nothing to worry about.

Oh, thank god!
You have no idea where my mind went.

I had you roaming
back alleys to score your dope,

Pawning our good silver to pay your dealer.

And we don't even have good silver,

So it got worse 'cause you had
to knock over a gas station

To buy the silver to pawn it off.

I was really making myself crazy.

I'm sorry about that.

But i reiterate-- old pill, no problem.

I knew it. I'm so happy.

Mmm. Good.

Mm, now fix me some lunch, woman.

Oh! I w Ann a watch the damn game.

Can i help you?

Yes, um, can you tell me
who i would talk to

About having my baby circumcised?

What do you mean you can't help me?

I received a registered letter from
your husband which reads,

"i do not wish for my son, Benjamin Hodge ,

"to be circumcised.

Should the recipient of this
letter encounter my wife...

"please feel free to show her this letter

"and assure her of its wide distribution

"to hospitals and physicians

Across this and two neighboring states."

Does this seem too warm to you?

That you even felt such a
thing was necessary.

Well, obviously, it was.
Forgive me for knowing my wife.

What's that supposed to mean?
You don't trust me?

I trust you not to break your word.

Since you've pointedly refused to give it,

I trusted you to snip first and
debate the merits later.

I'm only thinking of Benjamin .
Be reasonable.

You're the one who's unreasonable.

What have you got against
untrimmed penises?

They're... Unsightly.

I do not want our son to be teased...

For being different. Do you?

Ah, so in the end,

It all comes down to tradition and conformity.

What is wrong with that?
I thought we liked conformity.

Not at the price of pain and
reduced sexual pleasure.

I can tell you someone
whose sexual pleasure

Is going to be reduced big-time!

Hey, sweetheart.

What's that?

Just something for school.

What was that name you just typed in?

We were assigned a genealogy project.

I have to do research on my father.

I will call your tea Cher .

She'll assign you a different project.

What do you think you're doing?

I am learning about my father.

Dylan! For years, you have told me

That my father is too evil to talk about.

Now i find out you've discussed him

At a neighborhood game night?!

Regardless, i am still your mother,

And while you're under my roof,

You will obey my rules.

And what if i don't?

Are you gonna slap me again,
kick me out of the house?

Go ahead. Try it. See what happens.

I'm sorry, mom.

You can't stop me this time.

I am officially no longer afraid of you.

And he needed something for the pain,
so he happened to find

The last two pills in the medicine cabinet,

And he took 'em.

It's no big deal.

Let me show you something.

You see this breadmaker?

This is where i hid a bottle of chardonnay

After i told everyone i'd stopped drinking.

Oh, but this isn't the same thing.

Mike wouldn't lie to me about this.

And this rotating spice rack?

Those little airplane bottles of vodka

Fit perfectly in the back.

He said there were no more pills.

I was looking him in the eye.

Susan, addicts are experts at deception.

My advice to you--


But verify.

So... This is nice--

Little family get-together.

Why didn't you call Lucy ?

Oh, you know her, always busy.

So, mom... You look good.

Thanks. You seeing anybody?

Not that i wanna tell you about.

Mm, still alone.

Ooh, look. The special is chicken.

Doesn't that sound good?
Ooh, order me one.

I-i'm going to the bar and--
and check the score on the game. Have fun.

I know what this is, and i'm not doing it.

What? What? We're having lunch.
She's not moving back in.

I resist your attempts to manipulate me.

Nobody is manipulating you.

My boundaries are strong.

I know what i want, and i deserve to be happy.

What have you got there?
Are you reading from something?


As soon as you invited me to lunch,

I called my therapist.

And he told me

You'd try to guilt me into
taking mom back, but...

"i will not be emotionally blackmailed."

Give me that.

I already had her, Lynette .

She stayed with me for two years--

Two years in which my weight ballooned.

She put me through four
different hairstyles.

Once, she even brought home
this guy she met at a bar.

She's so not like that now.

I don't care.

The day she moved out,
i got my life back.

So if you w Ann a have lunch, fine.

But that's it.

Okay. Okay.


Good for you.

I'm sorry.

Where's the chicken?

Oh, yeah. Where is that waiter?
I'm gonna go find him.

Just hear me out.

If you trim the sides in a little,

I think you'll lose that wingy
effect you have going now.


Well, i'm just saying that with
the shape of your face,

You're not doing yourself any favors.
Do you think

You could go for one minute
without being critical?

What are you talking about?

I have not said one word about
your eye shadow yet.

"i reject your negativity.

I am as beautiful as i feel inside."

Oh, it's you.

Thank you for calling about my painting.

I can't believe i forgot that.

Yeah, i know it meant a lot to you.

There's a hole in it.

Yeah, i don't get modern art either.

Okay, Edie ...

I know that you're angry right now, but--

You think i'm angry?

You should've seen Victor .


Yeah, we had a little chat.

Actually, he didn't believe that you
were screwing his wife...

Until i showed him some photos,

And then he was just enraged.

It was a little scary.

For god sakes, Carlos ,

Am i gonna have to change this number?

Victor knows.

Knows what? Everything.

Edie told him we're having an affair.

No, that's impossible.
He hasn't said a word.

In fact, i've never seen him so s
weet and attentive.

It's an act!

Edie said he was enraged.

Well, if he's so mad at me,

Why would he take me on a boat trip?
He took you on a boat?

Oh, crap. I think you need to get out of there.


I-i was just talking to... Bree.

Oh. Oh, no, no.

We agreed--total privacy.

When we head home,
you can have it back.

And you can talk to...
Bree as much as you like.

Can i get you something?

No, i'm good.

You okay?

Uh, actually, i'm really cold.

Maybe we should bail and
do this another day.

You know, when it's warmer.
It'll warm up.

Oh, okay, well, just in case,
we should run back to shore

So i can grab a jacket.


You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

I know about everything--you,
Carlos , the affair, everything.

Okay. I am so sorry.

But in my defense,

You were always gone,

And you knew how needy i
was when you married me.

That's it?
That's all you have to say to me?

Well, it'd be easier to talk if we
were back on shore.

What are you doing?

It's bad enough you've betrayed me.

Now i have to listen to your whining?

I brought something for you.




What's that?

Everything i know about your father--

Date of birth, his mother's name,

Last known address.

It's everything you need to find him.

Thank you.

Before you take this...

You have to promise me something.


You c Ann ot bring him here...

Or even tell him where i am.


The last time that i saw your father,

It was to tell him that i was leaving him,

And i was taking you with me.

He, uh, he always liked to s
lap me around a little bit.

But that night was...


I don't remember everything.

I-i was in pretty bad
shape by the end of it.

But once he was done

Slamming my face into the wall,

He started choking me,

And he kept screaming

That he was gonna kill me.

And the last thought

That i had...

Was what would happen to you if i died.

So you can't tell him where i am.

You just can't.

Maybe you can talk to my
tea Cher Tom orrow...

And have her give me another assignment.

Thank you.

I told you, if you're
gonna have a tree house...

You've gotta keep it clean.

Here. Take these and
dump them by the front door.

Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

Mom, hurry. Get out of the car.

No, no, no.
You are not leaving those here.

Hi, mom.

Take her away. Unh-unh, Lynette .

You may have been able to
strong-arm the weak one,

But not me. I'm not weak!

Then why did you call me?
Get out of our way. Lucy,

Every fight we have ever had

Has ended with my foot on your neck.

I guarantee that this one's
gonna end the same way, too.

Maybe we should talk inside.

I'm often asked why the torah tells us

That a child must be circumcised
on the eighth day of his life.

Some say that's how long it takes
to get a decent caterer.

What a lovely ceremony.

I'm deborah's friend Bree .

I have what may strike you as
a very odd request.

Trust me, it won't be one i haven't heard.

Do you think, while you're here,

Do could do a bris for my baby, too?

Okay, new one.

Good for you.

I know it might seem tacky
piggybacking on deborah's bris,

But... We could do it in the
den very quietly.

Uh, well, as we just saw,

There's so such thing as a quiet bris.

You said your name was Bree ?

Yes, Bree Hodge ...

Born rabinowitz.

Huh. I wouldn't have taken you for jewish.

I should only have a Nickel for
every time i've heard that.

Don't you want a proper bris

With your friends and family there?
I would love that,

But my husband Orson --
big, stubborn, goy.

He says we should do nothing

And let the child decide when he's grown.

We don't pick our parents--
we should pick our religion?

I wouldn't feel right doing this

Without speaking to your husband.

Well, he's out of town, and...

Our Benjamin is 8 days old today.

And if i don't do this,

My grandma...


Will never forgive me,
may she rest in peace.

You realize that this is a covenant?

That whatever your husband says,

You are promising

To raise your child as a devout jew?

I swear to you before god

That this child will be as
devout a jew as i am.

Hey, where have you been?
I woke up, and you were gone.

Oh, we had a very busy day.

We dropped off the dry cleaning,

We deposited money into
our christmas account,

And then we got circumcised.

You did what?!

It's just a little unsightly foreskin.
He'll never miss it.

So why stop there?
Why--why not cut off his testicles?

You obviously have no problem
going after mine. Orson.

Well, what do you call it, Bree ?

Going behind my back,
ignoring my feelings on this?

I gave them very serious consideration.

But it's my blood running in his veins,

Which ultimately makes it my decision.

Your blood?

So who am i to Benjamin ?

A friendly uncle?
A male nanny?

Of course not.

Then why do you treat me

Like i'm anything less than his father?

I mean, haven't i earned that

During the course of our little hoax?

I lied for you. I-i risked public humiliation.

I do everything but strap on the
pregnancy harness myself.

I know that.

I see myself as Benjamin 's father.

I need to know if you see me that way, too.

I know how much you love Benjamin .

I guess...

I guess i just have to remember

That it's love that makes us a
family and not blood.

Your son would like you to hold him.

By the way, his hebrew name is Simcha .

I'll explain later.

Oh, Carlos , thank god you're here.

Where is he? Where's Victor ?

Well, i-i clubbed him and
knocked him overboard.

He's in the ocean?!

He was going to kill me!
He had a gun.

Okay, okay, let me think.

You saw him in the water.
I mean, he's not dead, right?

No, he's mad, but he wasn't dead.

So then we'll send someone
out there to fish him out.

We'll call the police, show 'em the gun

And tell that 'em that it was self-defense.

You still have the gun?

It's in there.

Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle the gun.

There is no gun.

Ice pick?

What are you doing?
I'm calling the coast guard.

And tell them what,
i knocked my husband overboard

Because he was coming
after me with a sweater?

No, come on.
We gotta go back out there.

Guys, i can't be any clearer on this.

I am not taking her back.
It's your turn, simple as that.

I've had her for four months.

I also had cancer for four months,

And if i could've asked one of them to leave,

I'm not sure which i would've picked.
Oh, four months, boohoo.

I had her for a year,

And that was the year she joined
the gin of the month club.

I don't have any room for her.

I already have seven
people in four bedrooms.

There it is-- the "i have a family" card.

You can reproduce.

We're all thrilled for you.

Why can't you take her?

You are in that huge
house all by yourself

That you got from the divorce.
Dave and i are just separated.

There's a good chance
that he's moving back in,

But not if mom is living there. Well,

We can't just throw her out on the street.

I can.

My therapist said

It's time for me to be a
little more "lydia-centric."

I really w Ann a meet this jackass.

Okay, we all have our excuses,

But we gotta figure something out.

Come on. She is our mother.

Is she?

She never acted like one,
not that i can remember.

I remember she showed up
drunk to my graduation,

Wearing a housecoat.

Okay, but the point is, she went.

Remember that one christmas?

And we came down,
and there was mom under the tree,

Passed out drunk in the middle
of all of our unwrapped toys.

My raggedy Ann smelled like
peppermint schnapps.

Okay, she wasn't perfect, clearly.

But she gave birth to us.

We owe her our lives,
and now that she needs us,

We can't just turn our back on her.

I know i'm supposed to feel guilty,
but i don't.

I don't either.

It's like you're saying you
don't care about her.

At all?

And i don't under Stan d that.

Well... If you care so much,

Then the answer to the problem
is sorta obvious, isn't it?

We can help with money.

I can send you $100 a month.

I don't need your money.

I can take care of my mother all by myself.


Here's how you can help--

Don'tvisit for the next few years,

Cause it seems fairly likely

I won't have stopped hating you by then.

I guess that's her way of asking us to leave.

Mom, where's grandma going?



What's that?


Here. Sit him here.

You tried to kill me.

Well, i came back for you, didn't i?

What were you thinking?!
Well, i thought you were trying to kill me.

I was just trying to talk to you,

See if we still had a chance.

I see that you're still screwing this guy.

And what the hell is he doing on my boat?!

You mean, besides saving your life?

That was a big mistake, buddy.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you're the guy that said

If anyone messed with your woman,

That you'd use your money to
make 'em disappear.

But right now it's just you and me.

So how tough are you
without your a.t.m. Card?

That's what i figured.

Aah! Victor!

Oh, my god!

Victor! Oh! Oh, my god!

Come on. Get up! Hey. Hey.

Get up.
I wanna see the look on your face

When the knife goes in.

Oh, i'm getting pretty good at that.

Okay, let's pull him back in again.

What, are you crazy?! Oh,

We'll just tie him up so he
doesn't cause any trouble.


Where'd he go? Victor!

Victor! Victor!

Maybe we should go back out
and look some more.

We looked for six hours. He's gone.

Oh, my god. We killed him.

It was self-defense, right?

I mean, he was trying to kill us.
We can't prove that.

This is bad, Gaby .

Oh, when people find out we were on
that boat with him, it...

Maybe they won't.

What do you mean?

No one but you knows i was with Victor .

I'll say he went out alone.

I told him i was leaving him,

And he was depressed, suic Ida l even.

Only one problem--

The boat's right here.

Then maybe the boat needs to go back out...


Whatever you're thinking,
i can explain.

I'm thinking that you're a
drug addict and a liar,

So say something that's not that.
Susan, listen--

Is it so horrible living with me?

I mean, do i make you so miserable

That you can't even face me
without numbing the pain?

Of course not.

I love you.

Well, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this!

I mean, my god, Mike ,
we have a baby on the way!

Can i say something now?

Sure, go ahead.
Oh, should i look you in the eyes?

Does it make it easier for you to lie?

I didn't tell you...

About the pills 'cause
i didn't want you to feel guilty.

Me feel guilty?


When i put in that water
heater for McCluskey ,

I really wrenched my shoulder,

And the doctor told me i should
take a break, but i didn't

Because that was the day we
found out you were pregnant.

And from then on,
all i have heard about

Are car seats and strollers
and $10,000 preschools.

You know, it didn't seem like

A really good time for me to quit working.

Mike, we don't need any of that stuff.


You say that now.

But when Benjamin Hodge is in harvard,

And our kid's just a plumber like his dad...

I just want to be able to give him

The advantages i never got.

God, the only advantage he needs

Is to have a healthy dad who's not doing this.

You're right.

I get it. Okay?

I'm done.

I w Ann a believe you. It's just...

That addicts are good at lying.


All right...

How about this?

You believe me now?

Thank you.


You find it in all the best homes.

Parents rely on it when
dealing with inquisitive children...

Women use it to help keep
secrets--big and small.

Lovers need it

To cover up inconvenient accidents.

Why do people resort to deception?

Because it's a handy tool

That helps get us

Exactly what we'relooking for.