Dead Ringers (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Santa, I don't care if I've been naughty,
bring me the flick knives I asked for.
Woolworth's have revealed what was
this Christmas's top stocking filler...
Winona Ryder.
We have travelled far, following
a bright star shining in the East,
carrying gifts of gold, frankincense
and myrrh for the newborn king.
So, bargain hunters, let's see
what the blue team have bought.
Gold, very nice. Note the patina.
Frankincense, could be
attractive to the right buyer.
What about myrrh? Well, I'm not so sure,
as no one in the entire world
has any idea what it is.
Could be a duffer.
And so will it verily come pass
that when at auction,
they'll make some money?
What do you think?
That really would be a miracle.
You're bound to do better than the red team
of shepherds. All they bought was sheep.
You scumbag. You maggot.
You cheap lousy faggot.
Happy Christmas, your arse.
I pray God it's your last.
More on that story later.
So the world remains on
tenterhooks this week
as we await the final reaction
to a 12,000-page document.
A document written, of course, by...
eight-year-old Jimmy Meadows
of Hemel Hempstead.
Yes, Jimmy's 12,000-page letter to Santa,
asking for a PlayStation 2, was delivered
both to UN headquarters in New York
and Santa's headquarters
in the North Pole a few weeks ago.
But it now seems that
whatever the UN decides,
Santa will reject
the document as being fatally flawed.
Joining me in the studio is one of Santa's
closest allies, the Prime Minister.
Nice to be here, Kirsty. Tinsel forehead,
chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-hand gesture.
Whitehall has to verify the key issue
of whether Jimmy has been naughty or nice.
And clearly,
there are a number of glaring omissions.
Most noticeably,
there's no reference
to the wedgie Jimmy gave
Kevin on his birthday.
I'll have to interrupt you there, as it
seems we can go now live to the North Pole,
where their President, Santa,
is holding a press conference.
(GEORGE BUSH) My fellow North Polians,
we have studied Little Jimmy's dossier
carefully, and we cannot accept it.
He has been naughty, not nice.
This has left us with no choice.
Three squadrons of heavily armed-reindeers,
flying out of Fort Hohoho, led by Rudolf,
Donner and Dancer, are already in the air
and headed for 42 Elmtree Terrace,
armed with the very latest
surface-to-chimney missiles
that can lock in
on a slice of cake and a glass of pop
from a range of 3,000 miles.
Ho-ho-ho! And a merry Christmas to you all.
Great news
for Muppets fans this festive season.
There was "A Muppet Christmas Carol" on
ITV, "A Muppet Treasure Island" on BBC1,
and "The Muppets Invade Baghdad
And Kermit Kicks Saddam's Arse" on News 24.
Now it's the BBC Christmas Appeal.
We all know Christmas
is a time for remembering.
So I'm (BLEEP)ed, then.
Next on Channel 4, Nigella Lawson
proves she can make anything sexy.
When I'm unblocking my toilet,
I always like to start
by playfully teasing a fresh pair of rubber
gloves from its gossamer-thin wrapping.
Being rubber, the gloves
are very malleable to the touch
and respond well to the slightest pressure.
Right. Now we need to make sure
everything is in full working order,
so we find the ballcock.
If this hasn't been handled for a while,
you may find
that it doesn't respond to your touch,
so cup it gently, and you may find
you need to coax it just a little bit more
so everything is working perfectly.
Right. Now I'm going to need my plunger.
For best results, grasp by the stem
and fall effortlessly
to your knees before the cistern,
and then start to plunge, downwards in a
rhythmic motion, plunging and plunging,
plunging until it oozes
through the U-bend and surges into the pan.
Why does that always happen to me?
(DRUNKENLY) My name is Greg Dyke
and I am Director General of the BBC,
and our Christmas do just finished...
two days ago.
Now, what do I remember?
Oh, yeah!
Jeremy Clarkson got a bit out of order,
so I slammed
the photocopier lid on his genitals.
The jeans he wears,
he's used to getting them squashed.
I just hope I didn't get really hammered
and do anything that I'll regret.
Hang on, what's this?
This is a commission for a second series
of "Fame Academy" with my name on it.
That's it. I'm never drinking ever again.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson. And they say
all TV presenters are just eye candy.
Tonight, we're paying
tribute to George Lucas.
After the end
of the first "Star Wars" trilogy in 1981,
most people assume that
Lucas didn't direct again
until "Star Wars - Episode 1" in 1999.
Not so, in the early '90s,
he worked briefly for the BBC.
In my Christmas message this year,
I want to address not just my many subjects
in the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth,
but across the galaxy as well.
Over the past year, my husband and I,
accompanied by our droids
R2D2, C3PO and Edward,
travelled widely, visiting
Canada, Australia,
Tatooine and the ice planet of Hoth.
This year has truly been
an annus horribilus,
what with the blockade
of the planet Naboo
and the Commonwealth
constructing their Death Star.
(ALEC GUINNESS) Elizabeth, I sense
his presence. He is near - the evil one.
But I am not yet ready.
I have not yet mastered the Force.
You are a Jedi, Queen Elizabeth.
Your time for battle has come.
So, Queen...finally, we come face to face.
I am the head of state here now.
As we speak, my stormtroopers are preparing
to perform the changing of the guard.
I will never let anyone
as evil as you rule. Never!
Draw your lightsabre, Elizabeth! Slay him!
You are defeated!
Now let's see who you really are.
(GASPS) Phillip!
Elizabeth...I am your husband!
Is that the glue factory?
I've bagged another seven reindeer.
I knew them Scud missiles
would come in handy.
Girls Aloud insist that they'll sell
just as many records next Christmas.
Provided they hang on to their Saturday
jobs at HMV, they could be right.
Look at me. I'm like Nigella Lawson
with a (BLEEP)ing bad hangover.
Good evening. I'm Simon Schama.
Look at the muck in 'ere.
Tonight, we look in depth at a turbulent
period in our nation's history.
The time of the Saxon hordes.
A potato? Right.
Forget the Saxon hordes. Tonight,
we look at the reign of King Edward...
...son of Elthelred the Unready...
...who fought the Vikings
in 1013 and took a roasting.
By 1042, the reign of the Viking
dynasty began to peel away,
and when the chips were down,
Edward was able to terrify the Vikings...
...which was one
in the eye...for the monarchy.
Where should we start?
We need to make the first incision here,
because I can tell
by a glance that this was a man -
Terry O'Driscoll, aged 63 to 65 years
of age, who spoke four languages,
worked in a greengrocers, rode a motorbike
and had a pet budgie called Harold.
No, you're wrong.
This is your surprise birthday cake!
(ALL) Surprise!
Surprise? Oh, no. I don't do surprise.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan. As I stare
mournfully out into the middle distance,
I'm never surprised and I'm always right.
Now, who wants a piece of Mr O'Driscoll
to take home in a serviette?
Hello? Are you the plumber?
It's the loyal servant
of the true emperor Marcus Aurelius here.
Never mind. Look, it's my home.
It needs a lot of work.
I need your assistance.
- So, you are a plumber?
- I'm a heating engineer.
That is good.
We need to bring water to this site.
OK. Is there anywhere we can pick up from?
I think the nearest lake
is six miles walk from here.
- (LAUGHS) The nearest lake?
- Obviously, that's no good.
I'm not sure clean water
can be found anywhere near here.
Most of it is infected by plague...
- ..so we better boil it.
- Maybe so.
So we need to bring water.
Could you build me an aqueduct?
That's a bit of a stretch.
You need to talk to McAlpine.
McAlpine? Is he an agent of those
who would plot a war against me?
- I hope not.
- Really?
If he is, I shall capture his armies
and those who oppose me
and crumble their fortresses into dust.
Will it be feasible to remove the grass
and turn this into a Roman bath?
Er... Are you serious?
You want to turn this into a bath area?
Yes, I am completely serious about that.
We must bathe with the women slaves.
It replenishes men's
spirits before battle.
Right. OK.
So, plumber, just before you go, um...
- We must be ever ready for battle.
- Right.
The Germanic hordes may appear
over the hill at any moment.
My Felix Legion army is 900-men strong.
Um... Might you be able to install
900 Portaloos out of sight?
- A Portaloo apiece?
- I think so.
- Do they need that?
- We can't have 20 soldiers to one shitter.
A Portaloo apiece is...an extravagance.
It may be an extravagance,
but the risk, Marcus, isn't acceptable.
This festive season here on BBC1,
we have more increasingly desperate
"Weakest Link"-themed specials.
Hello and welcome to the "Weakest Link" -
the Trappist Monk Special.
Brother Benjamin, in what year did Nirvana
release "Smells Like Teen Spirit"?
Brother Thomas,
who wrote "A Tale Of Two Cities"?
Brother Edward, name the researcher
who I'll be garrotting for not telling me
that you've all taken a vow of silence?
And the end of that round,
you've banked a pathetic zero pounds.
So, who is one bad habit
you definitely need to ditch?
Whose presence
means you haven't got a prayer?
It's time to vote off the weakest monk.
Brother Thomas,
you voted for Brother Edward. Why?
Which is a better reason than the rubbish
people usually come out with.
But it's votes that count. Brother Edward,
you are the weakest monk. Goodbye.
- You don't have the correct time, do you?
- Er... Sorry, yes.
Looking at the bus... Ten past three.
Ten past three. Well,
ten past three it may be,
but according to the figures that we have,
it could be several minutes beyond that.
Of course, it would be foolish to assume
we can keep it at five past three forever.
We have to maintain time
for the precious resource that it is.
If that means being slightly behind
Germany, then so be it. Look at Brazil...
- Who cares, love?
- The United States is nine hours behind...
Your face is very familiar, shall we say?
Yes... Just call me Tony, anyway.
Just call me Tony.
- Blair.
- Yeah.
Excuse me. Do you have the time?
- Twenty past three.
- Twenty past three.
According to Government figures,
it could be several minutes beyond that.
We've got to be sensible about this
and remember that since we came to power,
time has marched forward
for everyone - six years for me -
and that applies for everyone
in this country,
so it's a case of getting
around the negotiating table
and let's find a time
that's right for everyone.
(SQUEAK)
My name is Greg Dyke, still recovering
from the BBC's staff party.
What a do. There was more
white powder than at a branch of Boots.
Well, they have a lot of cocaine parties
at Boots. What a night we had.
The strobe lighting made
everyone look weird and freakish.
All except Louis Theroux, strangely enough.
We even had a little cabaret-
people doing things they don't usually do.
Michael Buerk, he did some song and dance.
Nick Ross, he did a striptease.
And Nick Berry and Michelle Collins,
they did some acting.
Well, there was bound to be a first time.
I need your advice, wise wizard Dumbledore.
No, what you need, Potter, is new glasses.
I'm not Dumbledore,
I'm Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings",
a wise wizard who guides a youthful hero
on a journey of discovery.
- Yes, that's right. Dumbledore.
- Frodo, tell Harry that I am Gandalf.
You're not Gandalf.
Gandalf's here,
the wise wizard who guides
the hero on a brave quest.
No, young acolyte. I'm not Gandalf.
I'm the old master
who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
- Dumbledore!
- I'm not bloody Dumbledore!
I'm the one who sacrifices himself, then
returns from the dead to help the hero.
- You've nicked that idea from me!
- The actor who plays Dumbledore is dead.
- He'll return played by someone else.
- Like me!
It's my movie that's breaking box office
records, not your piss-poor effort.
Oh! That's all we need! The evil villain
who dabbles in the dark side.
Saruman.
He's the evil lord who
kills the hero's father.
- That's Lord Voldemort!
- I'm not Voldemort.
Anyway, that's a story
they tell the hero. I'm really his father.
- You're my father...?
- I am.
Oh, bugger! That's spoilt
the ending of the fifth book. Sorry.
If your children act up this Boxing Day,
scare them into behaving
with the Christmas "Radio Times".
Its weird cover looks
like it was drawn before the war
and has a huge robin
being ridden by Father Christmas.
It scares the hell out of me.
Hello, love. God bless.
Welcome to "Thora's Nice
History of Britain",
where we refuse to dwell
on the unpleasant side of life.
Now, I've got some Iron Age artefacts here.
Now, some historians
will tell you this is a spearhead,
used for hunting, war
and all manner of nastiness and upset.
That's just plain wrong.
This was quite clearly used
for crimping the edges of pies.
Look at that. Lovely.
And this. Well...
There's all sorts of rude and unpleasant
explanations to what this was used for,
but I can reveal that this is
a garden dibber, used for putting in seeds.
I've got a modern one of these meself -
a nine-inch model in black -
and let me tell you, during the summer
months, it's rarely out of my hands.
Join me next week,
when I'll be looking at King Arthur
and how he used
his round table for whist drives.
God bless.
Listen, girls,
how do you think you got to Number 1?
I've got 60,000 copies in me garage.
We had a deal. My dressing room,
10 minutes, and get your kit off.
Yeah, this time you won't be miming.
A record 1.5 million Britons
are spending this Christmas abroad.
And a record 1.2 million burglars
are currently breaking into their houses.
("TARRANT ON TV" THEME)
Welcome to "Tarrant on TV", the show you
thought I couldn't be arsed to do any more.
Once again, we look
at wacky TV across the world,
proving that they really
do things differently abroad.
Take a look at this curiously
doom-laden offering from France.
Bonjour. Et bienvenue
à "Neuf Neuf Neuf: Rescue d'Emergencie",
avec moi, Michel Buerk.
"Où est la plume de ma tante?"
Plus sur celui plus tard.
Vendredi était un jour ordinaire
pour Antoine de Caunes.
Mais le jour terminé dans la tragédie.
Il est tombé
dans un abandoned quarry. Boof! Quel tit!
Zut alors! Next up is a decidedly bizarre
but popular programme from Germany
which toys with our emotions
in a faintly sadistic way.
Guten tag, und wilkommen
zum "Rolf's Animal Krankenhaus".
Du rememberest der lovely Hund, Rover?
Es ist, wie sie sagen
in England, "bad news".
Er war zu feeble, zu mangy,
um zu machen durch die nacht.
Es ist unheimlich sad.
We end today
with a programme from across the pond
whose inexplicable popularity proves,
unlike the discerning viewers over here,
those Yanks really will watch anything.
Hi, I'm Dave Dickinson, the palest man
on TV. You're watching "Bargain Quest".
Now, I've given our teams
the laughably small sum of $200,000.
Will my homies come back with a bob dazzler
or just a goddamn heap of ass?
Let's hope it's a bargain.
Ho-ho! Cheap as French fries.
You're watching BBC2.
Turkey Curry?
Are you sure that's a good idea?
As there's nothing in
the papers at Christmas,
we're going to look at what's
in tomorrow's Christmas crackers instead.
So, in the bargain crackers,
there's a pair of fake comedy lips
which aren't quite big enough
to fit over anybody's real lips.
There's a flimsy party hat.
The joke is, "What sits at the bottom
of the sea and quivers - a nervous wreck."
So that's that. In the Marks & Spencer's
luxury crackers is a miniature jigsaw.
Just three pieces - hours of
challenging fun for all the family.
There's a flimsy party hat,
and a thought-provoking
Chinese proverb, which says,
"What lies at bottom
of the sea and quivers?
Confucius,
he say it's a nervous wreck."
And what we have next
is the Fortnum and Mason cracker.
Inside here there are a selection
of honey roast hams, some beluga caviar,
a gold-plated DVD player and a flimsy
party hat...designed by Phillip Treacy.
There's no joke. Instead, they book Jimmy
Tarbuck to come round to your house
to do his very best 20-minute set.
So I'd stick with the nervous wreck joke.
- Turned out nice again today, hasn't it?
- Not bad.
Not bad. Well, I think
we have to look at this situation sensibly.
Although it's turned out
rather pleasant today,
if it continues
to turn out pleasant all day, then...
You really remind me of someone.
- You really remind me of Tony Blair.
- Well, I should hope so.
- Are you Conservative or Labour?
- (LAUGHS) Well, I...
I think people find that hard to ascertain
at the moment. What do you think?
People of this bus stop,
this is your Prime Minister.
I know that the bus that we are waiting
for is not here, and we are feeling that,
and we take full responsibility for that.
When the bus arrives, I am all in favour
of going into the bus, not staying outside.
We should only get onto the bus
when the time is right,
if we have the correct change.
I believe then that we can move forward
within a sustainable programme
of trips to the supermarkets.
Good evening
and welcome to "The Sky At Night".
People often ask me, "Patrick," they say,
"Why have you been so very very fascinated
with the night sky over the past 60 years?"
And the answer to that
question is...I'm not.
No, not in the slightest.
You see, 50 years ago,
the local constables came a-knocking,
after numerous complaints
from my neighbours, wishing to know
what the dickens
I was doing with 50 telescopes in my loft.
Well, thinking on my feet,
I told them I was an astronomer.
And they bought it, as did the BBC.
But the simple truth of the matter is
I'm actually a peeping tom.
That's right. The heavenly bodies of Ursa
Major and the Perseids bore me rigid,
but the heavenly bodies of big housewives
sunbathing on terraces
does it for Patrick every time.
So if, like me, you are currently
training your telescope at Number 34,
we had been promised an unparalleled view
of a spectacular shower
being taken by Mrs McKenzie.
(WATER RUNNING, WOMAN SCREAMS)
This, however, may prove disappointing,
due to the addition
of frosted glass to the bathroom window,
so her heavenly body may not
be completely visible with the naked eye.
Bummer.
An exhibition by architect Mies van
de Rohe opened this week in London,
but we're not discussing that
because as it's the last show,
all the panellists have brought in
the toys they got for Christmas.
Germaine Greer, I didn't expect a doll.
I'll have you know this is feminist Barbie.
It's actually just the same
as normal Barbie,
except she sees the fact that Ken
has no genitalia as a positive thing.
And if you pull her cord she does this...
Don't try and control me
with your passive/aggressive tendencies.
- Tom Paulin.
- Well, I was given this Buckaroo,
and it fills me with a deep sense
of disillusionment and depression.
- Germaine? Your thoughts?
- I agree.
Buckaroo is a microcosm
of the malaise of Western society.
We're all overburdened
by these unnecessary plastic accoutrements.
In the end, we have to kick out in futile
impotent rage. I'm right, aren't I?
No, I just find it depressing
that I got a Buckaroo for Christmas.
I mean, Mariella Frostrup,
she gets an Xbox, the lucky cow.
Right, well, I'm not telling you
what I got. You'll just have to guess.
Hi, kids. It's that time of morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs
are playing out the nativity scene.
Plinky, Flommit and Bobo are three wise men
who visited Baby Jesus in the stable,
bringing gifts of gold,
frankincense and myrrh.
It wasn't ...?
No, it was the flommumbrella,
the Brightly Coloured Blobs duvet cover
and a pair
of Brightly Coloured Blobs trainers.
All on sale now from
leading retail outfits.
Wasn't that lucky,
with it being Christmas and all?
(BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION)
(COMPÈRE) Please give
a very warm welcome for the Traveller!
Is this a rondium sensor?
Ah, it is.
Hello. A very warm greeting.
I'm very well, my friend.
I'm very well. Are you a Thaal?
No? Actually, no. He looks like Davros.
(LAUGHTER)
I've travelled a great deal
in my life. I've seen many places,
and along the way, I've picked up
some wonderful pieces of music
which bring back many happy memories.
This is called "The Ascent of the Kela
Machine". It goes something like this...
(STRANGE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC FLOURISH)
Would you like to hear your old favourite?
It goes a little like this...
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME)
# And now the end is near
# And so I face the final curtain
# My friends, I say it clear
# I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
# Regrets? I have a few
# But then again, too few to mention
# I did what I had to do
# I did what I did without exception
# For what is a man? What has he got?
# If not himself, then he has not
# I faced it all and I stood tall
# Throughout all my regenerations,
I did it my way #
Goodbye.
This is "The 10 O'Clock News"
with me, Michael Buerk.
The main headlines again. It's my last day,
so I can say whatever I like.
Today's top story.
I've just photocopied my arse
and faxed it to Trevor McDonald.
Then I nicked a load of stationery
and told Michelle, who does my autocue,
that she's well worth one,
though she's a bit of a five-pinter.
Oh, and I hate news, I make most of it up,
Andrew Marr is a jug-eared lefty loon,
and Greg Dyke, you look
like a coach driver from Wallace Arnold.
See you around.
bring me the flick knives I asked for.
Woolworth's have revealed what was
this Christmas's top stocking filler...
Winona Ryder.
We have travelled far, following
a bright star shining in the East,
carrying gifts of gold, frankincense
and myrrh for the newborn king.
So, bargain hunters, let's see
what the blue team have bought.
Gold, very nice. Note the patina.
Frankincense, could be
attractive to the right buyer.
What about myrrh? Well, I'm not so sure,
as no one in the entire world
has any idea what it is.
Could be a duffer.
And so will it verily come pass
that when at auction,
they'll make some money?
What do you think?
That really would be a miracle.
You're bound to do better than the red team
of shepherds. All they bought was sheep.
You scumbag. You maggot.
You cheap lousy faggot.
Happy Christmas, your arse.
I pray God it's your last.
More on that story later.
So the world remains on
tenterhooks this week
as we await the final reaction
to a 12,000-page document.
A document written, of course, by...
eight-year-old Jimmy Meadows
of Hemel Hempstead.
Yes, Jimmy's 12,000-page letter to Santa,
asking for a PlayStation 2, was delivered
both to UN headquarters in New York
and Santa's headquarters
in the North Pole a few weeks ago.
But it now seems that
whatever the UN decides,
Santa will reject
the document as being fatally flawed.
Joining me in the studio is one of Santa's
closest allies, the Prime Minister.
Nice to be here, Kirsty. Tinsel forehead,
chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-hand gesture.
Whitehall has to verify the key issue
of whether Jimmy has been naughty or nice.
And clearly,
there are a number of glaring omissions.
Most noticeably,
there's no reference
to the wedgie Jimmy gave
Kevin on his birthday.
I'll have to interrupt you there, as it
seems we can go now live to the North Pole,
where their President, Santa,
is holding a press conference.
(GEORGE BUSH) My fellow North Polians,
we have studied Little Jimmy's dossier
carefully, and we cannot accept it.
He has been naughty, not nice.
This has left us with no choice.
Three squadrons of heavily armed-reindeers,
flying out of Fort Hohoho, led by Rudolf,
Donner and Dancer, are already in the air
and headed for 42 Elmtree Terrace,
armed with the very latest
surface-to-chimney missiles
that can lock in
on a slice of cake and a glass of pop
from a range of 3,000 miles.
Ho-ho-ho! And a merry Christmas to you all.
Great news
for Muppets fans this festive season.
There was "A Muppet Christmas Carol" on
ITV, "A Muppet Treasure Island" on BBC1,
and "The Muppets Invade Baghdad
And Kermit Kicks Saddam's Arse" on News 24.
Now it's the BBC Christmas Appeal.
We all know Christmas
is a time for remembering.
So I'm (BLEEP)ed, then.
Next on Channel 4, Nigella Lawson
proves she can make anything sexy.
When I'm unblocking my toilet,
I always like to start
by playfully teasing a fresh pair of rubber
gloves from its gossamer-thin wrapping.
Being rubber, the gloves
are very malleable to the touch
and respond well to the slightest pressure.
Right. Now we need to make sure
everything is in full working order,
so we find the ballcock.
If this hasn't been handled for a while,
you may find
that it doesn't respond to your touch,
so cup it gently, and you may find
you need to coax it just a little bit more
so everything is working perfectly.
Right. Now I'm going to need my plunger.
For best results, grasp by the stem
and fall effortlessly
to your knees before the cistern,
and then start to plunge, downwards in a
rhythmic motion, plunging and plunging,
plunging until it oozes
through the U-bend and surges into the pan.
Why does that always happen to me?
(DRUNKENLY) My name is Greg Dyke
and I am Director General of the BBC,
and our Christmas do just finished...
two days ago.
Now, what do I remember?
Oh, yeah!
Jeremy Clarkson got a bit out of order,
so I slammed
the photocopier lid on his genitals.
The jeans he wears,
he's used to getting them squashed.
I just hope I didn't get really hammered
and do anything that I'll regret.
Hang on, what's this?
This is a commission for a second series
of "Fame Academy" with my name on it.
That's it. I'm never drinking ever again.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson. And they say
all TV presenters are just eye candy.
Tonight, we're paying
tribute to George Lucas.
After the end
of the first "Star Wars" trilogy in 1981,
most people assume that
Lucas didn't direct again
until "Star Wars - Episode 1" in 1999.
Not so, in the early '90s,
he worked briefly for the BBC.
In my Christmas message this year,
I want to address not just my many subjects
in the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth,
but across the galaxy as well.
Over the past year, my husband and I,
accompanied by our droids
R2D2, C3PO and Edward,
travelled widely, visiting
Canada, Australia,
Tatooine and the ice planet of Hoth.
This year has truly been
an annus horribilus,
what with the blockade
of the planet Naboo
and the Commonwealth
constructing their Death Star.
(ALEC GUINNESS) Elizabeth, I sense
his presence. He is near - the evil one.
But I am not yet ready.
I have not yet mastered the Force.
You are a Jedi, Queen Elizabeth.
Your time for battle has come.
So, Queen...finally, we come face to face.
I am the head of state here now.
As we speak, my stormtroopers are preparing
to perform the changing of the guard.
I will never let anyone
as evil as you rule. Never!
Draw your lightsabre, Elizabeth! Slay him!
You are defeated!
Now let's see who you really are.
(GASPS) Phillip!
Elizabeth...I am your husband!
Is that the glue factory?
I've bagged another seven reindeer.
I knew them Scud missiles
would come in handy.
Girls Aloud insist that they'll sell
just as many records next Christmas.
Provided they hang on to their Saturday
jobs at HMV, they could be right.
Look at me. I'm like Nigella Lawson
with a (BLEEP)ing bad hangover.
Good evening. I'm Simon Schama.
Look at the muck in 'ere.
Tonight, we look in depth at a turbulent
period in our nation's history.
The time of the Saxon hordes.
A potato? Right.
Forget the Saxon hordes. Tonight,
we look at the reign of King Edward...
...son of Elthelred the Unready...
...who fought the Vikings
in 1013 and took a roasting.
By 1042, the reign of the Viking
dynasty began to peel away,
and when the chips were down,
Edward was able to terrify the Vikings...
...which was one
in the eye...for the monarchy.
Where should we start?
We need to make the first incision here,
because I can tell
by a glance that this was a man -
Terry O'Driscoll, aged 63 to 65 years
of age, who spoke four languages,
worked in a greengrocers, rode a motorbike
and had a pet budgie called Harold.
No, you're wrong.
This is your surprise birthday cake!
(ALL) Surprise!
Surprise? Oh, no. I don't do surprise.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan. As I stare
mournfully out into the middle distance,
I'm never surprised and I'm always right.
Now, who wants a piece of Mr O'Driscoll
to take home in a serviette?
Hello? Are you the plumber?
It's the loyal servant
of the true emperor Marcus Aurelius here.
Never mind. Look, it's my home.
It needs a lot of work.
I need your assistance.
- So, you are a plumber?
- I'm a heating engineer.
That is good.
We need to bring water to this site.
OK. Is there anywhere we can pick up from?
I think the nearest lake
is six miles walk from here.
- (LAUGHS) The nearest lake?
- Obviously, that's no good.
I'm not sure clean water
can be found anywhere near here.
Most of it is infected by plague...
- ..so we better boil it.
- Maybe so.
So we need to bring water.
Could you build me an aqueduct?
That's a bit of a stretch.
You need to talk to McAlpine.
McAlpine? Is he an agent of those
who would plot a war against me?
- I hope not.
- Really?
If he is, I shall capture his armies
and those who oppose me
and crumble their fortresses into dust.
Will it be feasible to remove the grass
and turn this into a Roman bath?
Er... Are you serious?
You want to turn this into a bath area?
Yes, I am completely serious about that.
We must bathe with the women slaves.
It replenishes men's
spirits before battle.
Right. OK.
So, plumber, just before you go, um...
- We must be ever ready for battle.
- Right.
The Germanic hordes may appear
over the hill at any moment.
My Felix Legion army is 900-men strong.
Um... Might you be able to install
900 Portaloos out of sight?
- A Portaloo apiece?
- I think so.
- Do they need that?
- We can't have 20 soldiers to one shitter.
A Portaloo apiece is...an extravagance.
It may be an extravagance,
but the risk, Marcus, isn't acceptable.
This festive season here on BBC1,
we have more increasingly desperate
"Weakest Link"-themed specials.
Hello and welcome to the "Weakest Link" -
the Trappist Monk Special.
Brother Benjamin, in what year did Nirvana
release "Smells Like Teen Spirit"?
Brother Thomas,
who wrote "A Tale Of Two Cities"?
Brother Edward, name the researcher
who I'll be garrotting for not telling me
that you've all taken a vow of silence?
And the end of that round,
you've banked a pathetic zero pounds.
So, who is one bad habit
you definitely need to ditch?
Whose presence
means you haven't got a prayer?
It's time to vote off the weakest monk.
Brother Thomas,
you voted for Brother Edward. Why?
Which is a better reason than the rubbish
people usually come out with.
But it's votes that count. Brother Edward,
you are the weakest monk. Goodbye.
- You don't have the correct time, do you?
- Er... Sorry, yes.
Looking at the bus... Ten past three.
Ten past three. Well,
ten past three it may be,
but according to the figures that we have,
it could be several minutes beyond that.
Of course, it would be foolish to assume
we can keep it at five past three forever.
We have to maintain time
for the precious resource that it is.
If that means being slightly behind
Germany, then so be it. Look at Brazil...
- Who cares, love?
- The United States is nine hours behind...
Your face is very familiar, shall we say?
Yes... Just call me Tony, anyway.
Just call me Tony.
- Blair.
- Yeah.
Excuse me. Do you have the time?
- Twenty past three.
- Twenty past three.
According to Government figures,
it could be several minutes beyond that.
We've got to be sensible about this
and remember that since we came to power,
time has marched forward
for everyone - six years for me -
and that applies for everyone
in this country,
so it's a case of getting
around the negotiating table
and let's find a time
that's right for everyone.
(SQUEAK)
My name is Greg Dyke, still recovering
from the BBC's staff party.
What a do. There was more
white powder than at a branch of Boots.
Well, they have a lot of cocaine parties
at Boots. What a night we had.
The strobe lighting made
everyone look weird and freakish.
All except Louis Theroux, strangely enough.
We even had a little cabaret-
people doing things they don't usually do.
Michael Buerk, he did some song and dance.
Nick Ross, he did a striptease.
And Nick Berry and Michelle Collins,
they did some acting.
Well, there was bound to be a first time.
I need your advice, wise wizard Dumbledore.
No, what you need, Potter, is new glasses.
I'm not Dumbledore,
I'm Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings",
a wise wizard who guides a youthful hero
on a journey of discovery.
- Yes, that's right. Dumbledore.
- Frodo, tell Harry that I am Gandalf.
You're not Gandalf.
Gandalf's here,
the wise wizard who guides
the hero on a brave quest.
No, young acolyte. I'm not Gandalf.
I'm the old master
who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
- Dumbledore!
- I'm not bloody Dumbledore!
I'm the one who sacrifices himself, then
returns from the dead to help the hero.
- You've nicked that idea from me!
- The actor who plays Dumbledore is dead.
- He'll return played by someone else.
- Like me!
It's my movie that's breaking box office
records, not your piss-poor effort.
Oh! That's all we need! The evil villain
who dabbles in the dark side.
Saruman.
He's the evil lord who
kills the hero's father.
- That's Lord Voldemort!
- I'm not Voldemort.
Anyway, that's a story
they tell the hero. I'm really his father.
- You're my father...?
- I am.
Oh, bugger! That's spoilt
the ending of the fifth book. Sorry.
If your children act up this Boxing Day,
scare them into behaving
with the Christmas "Radio Times".
Its weird cover looks
like it was drawn before the war
and has a huge robin
being ridden by Father Christmas.
It scares the hell out of me.
Hello, love. God bless.
Welcome to "Thora's Nice
History of Britain",
where we refuse to dwell
on the unpleasant side of life.
Now, I've got some Iron Age artefacts here.
Now, some historians
will tell you this is a spearhead,
used for hunting, war
and all manner of nastiness and upset.
That's just plain wrong.
This was quite clearly used
for crimping the edges of pies.
Look at that. Lovely.
And this. Well...
There's all sorts of rude and unpleasant
explanations to what this was used for,
but I can reveal that this is
a garden dibber, used for putting in seeds.
I've got a modern one of these meself -
a nine-inch model in black -
and let me tell you, during the summer
months, it's rarely out of my hands.
Join me next week,
when I'll be looking at King Arthur
and how he used
his round table for whist drives.
God bless.
Listen, girls,
how do you think you got to Number 1?
I've got 60,000 copies in me garage.
We had a deal. My dressing room,
10 minutes, and get your kit off.
Yeah, this time you won't be miming.
A record 1.5 million Britons
are spending this Christmas abroad.
And a record 1.2 million burglars
are currently breaking into their houses.
("TARRANT ON TV" THEME)
Welcome to "Tarrant on TV", the show you
thought I couldn't be arsed to do any more.
Once again, we look
at wacky TV across the world,
proving that they really
do things differently abroad.
Take a look at this curiously
doom-laden offering from France.
Bonjour. Et bienvenue
à "Neuf Neuf Neuf: Rescue d'Emergencie",
avec moi, Michel Buerk.
"Où est la plume de ma tante?"
Plus sur celui plus tard.
Vendredi était un jour ordinaire
pour Antoine de Caunes.
Mais le jour terminé dans la tragédie.
Il est tombé
dans un abandoned quarry. Boof! Quel tit!
Zut alors! Next up is a decidedly bizarre
but popular programme from Germany
which toys with our emotions
in a faintly sadistic way.
Guten tag, und wilkommen
zum "Rolf's Animal Krankenhaus".
Du rememberest der lovely Hund, Rover?
Es ist, wie sie sagen
in England, "bad news".
Er war zu feeble, zu mangy,
um zu machen durch die nacht.
Es ist unheimlich sad.
We end today
with a programme from across the pond
whose inexplicable popularity proves,
unlike the discerning viewers over here,
those Yanks really will watch anything.
Hi, I'm Dave Dickinson, the palest man
on TV. You're watching "Bargain Quest".
Now, I've given our teams
the laughably small sum of $200,000.
Will my homies come back with a bob dazzler
or just a goddamn heap of ass?
Let's hope it's a bargain.
Ho-ho! Cheap as French fries.
You're watching BBC2.
Turkey Curry?
Are you sure that's a good idea?
As there's nothing in
the papers at Christmas,
we're going to look at what's
in tomorrow's Christmas crackers instead.
So, in the bargain crackers,
there's a pair of fake comedy lips
which aren't quite big enough
to fit over anybody's real lips.
There's a flimsy party hat.
The joke is, "What sits at the bottom
of the sea and quivers - a nervous wreck."
So that's that. In the Marks & Spencer's
luxury crackers is a miniature jigsaw.
Just three pieces - hours of
challenging fun for all the family.
There's a flimsy party hat,
and a thought-provoking
Chinese proverb, which says,
"What lies at bottom
of the sea and quivers?
Confucius,
he say it's a nervous wreck."
And what we have next
is the Fortnum and Mason cracker.
Inside here there are a selection
of honey roast hams, some beluga caviar,
a gold-plated DVD player and a flimsy
party hat...designed by Phillip Treacy.
There's no joke. Instead, they book Jimmy
Tarbuck to come round to your house
to do his very best 20-minute set.
So I'd stick with the nervous wreck joke.
- Turned out nice again today, hasn't it?
- Not bad.
Not bad. Well, I think
we have to look at this situation sensibly.
Although it's turned out
rather pleasant today,
if it continues
to turn out pleasant all day, then...
You really remind me of someone.
- You really remind me of Tony Blair.
- Well, I should hope so.
- Are you Conservative or Labour?
- (LAUGHS) Well, I...
I think people find that hard to ascertain
at the moment. What do you think?
People of this bus stop,
this is your Prime Minister.
I know that the bus that we are waiting
for is not here, and we are feeling that,
and we take full responsibility for that.
When the bus arrives, I am all in favour
of going into the bus, not staying outside.
We should only get onto the bus
when the time is right,
if we have the correct change.
I believe then that we can move forward
within a sustainable programme
of trips to the supermarkets.
Good evening
and welcome to "The Sky At Night".
People often ask me, "Patrick," they say,
"Why have you been so very very fascinated
with the night sky over the past 60 years?"
And the answer to that
question is...I'm not.
No, not in the slightest.
You see, 50 years ago,
the local constables came a-knocking,
after numerous complaints
from my neighbours, wishing to know
what the dickens
I was doing with 50 telescopes in my loft.
Well, thinking on my feet,
I told them I was an astronomer.
And they bought it, as did the BBC.
But the simple truth of the matter is
I'm actually a peeping tom.
That's right. The heavenly bodies of Ursa
Major and the Perseids bore me rigid,
but the heavenly bodies of big housewives
sunbathing on terraces
does it for Patrick every time.
So if, like me, you are currently
training your telescope at Number 34,
we had been promised an unparalleled view
of a spectacular shower
being taken by Mrs McKenzie.
(WATER RUNNING, WOMAN SCREAMS)
This, however, may prove disappointing,
due to the addition
of frosted glass to the bathroom window,
so her heavenly body may not
be completely visible with the naked eye.
Bummer.
An exhibition by architect Mies van
de Rohe opened this week in London,
but we're not discussing that
because as it's the last show,
all the panellists have brought in
the toys they got for Christmas.
Germaine Greer, I didn't expect a doll.
I'll have you know this is feminist Barbie.
It's actually just the same
as normal Barbie,
except she sees the fact that Ken
has no genitalia as a positive thing.
And if you pull her cord she does this...
Don't try and control me
with your passive/aggressive tendencies.
- Tom Paulin.
- Well, I was given this Buckaroo,
and it fills me with a deep sense
of disillusionment and depression.
- Germaine? Your thoughts?
- I agree.
Buckaroo is a microcosm
of the malaise of Western society.
We're all overburdened
by these unnecessary plastic accoutrements.
In the end, we have to kick out in futile
impotent rage. I'm right, aren't I?
No, I just find it depressing
that I got a Buckaroo for Christmas.
I mean, Mariella Frostrup,
she gets an Xbox, the lucky cow.
Right, well, I'm not telling you
what I got. You'll just have to guess.
Hi, kids. It's that time of morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs
are playing out the nativity scene.
Plinky, Flommit and Bobo are three wise men
who visited Baby Jesus in the stable,
bringing gifts of gold,
frankincense and myrrh.
It wasn't ...?
No, it was the flommumbrella,
the Brightly Coloured Blobs duvet cover
and a pair
of Brightly Coloured Blobs trainers.
All on sale now from
leading retail outfits.
Wasn't that lucky,
with it being Christmas and all?
(BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION)
(COMPÈRE) Please give
a very warm welcome for the Traveller!
Is this a rondium sensor?
Ah, it is.
Hello. A very warm greeting.
I'm very well, my friend.
I'm very well. Are you a Thaal?
No? Actually, no. He looks like Davros.
(LAUGHTER)
I've travelled a great deal
in my life. I've seen many places,
and along the way, I've picked up
some wonderful pieces of music
which bring back many happy memories.
This is called "The Ascent of the Kela
Machine". It goes something like this...
(STRANGE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC FLOURISH)
Would you like to hear your old favourite?
It goes a little like this...
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME)
# And now the end is near
# And so I face the final curtain
# My friends, I say it clear
# I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
# Regrets? I have a few
# But then again, too few to mention
# I did what I had to do
# I did what I did without exception
# For what is a man? What has he got?
# If not himself, then he has not
# I faced it all and I stood tall
# Throughout all my regenerations,
I did it my way #
Goodbye.
This is "The 10 O'Clock News"
with me, Michael Buerk.
The main headlines again. It's my last day,
so I can say whatever I like.
Today's top story.
I've just photocopied my arse
and faxed it to Trevor McDonald.
Then I nicked a load of stationery
and told Michelle, who does my autocue,
that she's well worth one,
though she's a bit of a five-pinter.
Oh, and I hate news, I make most of it up,
Andrew Marr is a jug-eared lefty loon,
and Greg Dyke, you look
like a coach driver from Wallace Arnold.
See you around.