Dead Ringers (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Don't start bleating about the Yanks.
I paid cash for them Scud missiles.
They better be in my garage by morning.
Investigators say the
collision in the North Sea
that led to 3,000 luxury BMWs
being lost was inevitable,
as the person in charge of the BMWs
was a tosser who assumed he owned the sea.
Have you been injured
by an accident at work?
Have you tripped or fallen
over a loose paving stone?
Have you tried to con people with dodgy
slimming pills and timeshare scams
and have the authorities
breathing down your neck?
Then call Cherie Direct.
At Cherie Direct,
our trained lawyer is at Number Ten
24 hours a day to
take your call.
I'm not Superwoman and I'm
juggling a lot of balls in the air,
but I'll do what I can.
Over the years, Cherie Direct has helped
countless con men facing deportation.
Like Peter from Australia.
Just one phone call
and a couple of faxes to Cherie Direct
was all it took for me to get
a generous six-figure cash settlement
from a sleazy Sunday tabloid paper. Bonza!
Phone Cherie Direct today.
Because with Cherie Direct
handling your case,
the only person my husband
will want to deport is me.
Scared lips, timid earlobes,
I'm -a-liability trouser suit.
My fellow invertebrates, this week, a
major incident reported took place at sea,
during which Colin Powell
captured my battleship.
Oh, we also raidified
that stupid North Korean boat as well.
As a result,
the North Korean leader, Kim Jong,
announcified that he would be resumerating
their nuclear programme -
a programme I condemn, because
it threatens to desalinate the region,
and also because it's a programme
that hasn't once featured the Fonz.
But be warned, King Kong,
like others before you,
should you threaten New York
by climbing the Empire State Building,
then my fleet of biplanes will
obliterfry you from the face of the Earth.
God bless pancakes.
- There you go, sir. Pint of lager.
- Cheers, mate.
You know, when I saw Cherie Blair
on the telly crying her eyes out,
I couldn't help thinking...
I should be making money out of this.
Wise wizard Gandalf,
where will my quest take me?
Far, young hobbit,
but it will be worth the journey.
You must show great courage
as you leave the Shire
and head north across the mountains.
There you must venture
into Balin's Tomb and beyond,
though you will need
great cunning to defeat the Orcs
as you cross
the River Anduin at Parth Galen.
Beyond lies the many
terrors of Dead Marches,
but survive them
and you will reach first Ithilien,
then Mordor where your search will end.
And you want me to bring you the One Ring
that will bring peace to Middle Earth?
No, a carton of milk.
There's nothing in the fridge
and I'm gagging
for a cup of tea.
Hello, I'm Delia Smith.
I'm reminding you because I haven't been
on your screens for quite some time.
That's because there are so many
other wonderful cooks on television,
each bringing you
their own unique perspective on cookery,
which is why I've been working extra hard
to bring you some really
memorable recipes for this series.
Now, for this first dish, I've been greatly
inspired by Antony Worrall Thompson.
When I heard the BBC
were giving him another series,
I broke into his house late at night
and slaughtered him like a pig,
thus freeing up a good two months
in the schedules for lots more Delia.
Now, I used a machete to dismember his
body, but any sharp implement will do.
I then left his limbs to simmer
in this large pot,
until the neighbours
complained about the smell.
And now the entire Metropolitan Police
force are after me,
but I think you'll agree
that the result was worth it.
Mmm... Lovely.
And for the finishing touch,
his beard makes an excellent garnish.
Goodbye.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson,
Melvyn Bragg with alopecia.
The makers of the Harry Potter films
have finally ended speculation
as to who'll replace
Richard Harris as Dumbledore.
The role has gone
to another legendary British hellraiser.
Oh, wise and kindly Dumbledore,
what advice do you have for me?
Don't have (BLEEP)ing
kids, that's my advice.
They're a (BLEEP)ing nightmare.
When they said I'd be surrounded by
magical elves and plants that come to life,
I thought, "I'll have some
of whatever they're having."
You never said it'd be for (BLEEP)ing
real, you specky little shit.
You said you'd teach me
to fly on a broomstick.
Listen, you take a quarter
of the stuff I've had,
you'll be flying all right, but you
won't need no (BLEEP)ing broomstick.
Without your help, Dumbledore,
how will I defeat the evil Lord Voldemort?
You leave Voldemort to me. I'll show him
who the real Prince of Darkness is.
Let's see his face
when I bite the head off Professor Snape.
People of Britain...
Nervous forehead, worried teeth,
I-hate-the-"Daily-Mail" bald spot...
Fresh allegations
continue to surface
over Cherie's dealings
with con man Peter Foster.
This has forced me
to take the very tough decision
to sack Cherie from her
post of being my wife.
That was the Prime Minister
making his bombshell announcement today.
- He joins me in the studio.
- Good evening, Kirsty.
It must've been difficult
sacking the person you love and cherish.
I'm not sacking Alistair Campbell...
Sorry, you meant Cherie.
Much like when I split John
Prescott's ministry into three,
I want to divide the job of the
politician's wife into traditional roles
of photo opportunities,
domestic duties and rumpy pumpy.
Photo opportunities
will be handled by the red pillar box.
Its big wide mouth and red face
make it the perfect replacement.
Is that really practical?
Yes. The pillar box has been doing the job
for six months and nobody has noticed.
Presumably, that means that
the blow-up doll takes care of rumpy pumpy,
while Robin Cook
will take over domestic duties?
Yes, Kirsty. Yes, that's
exactly right. Yes.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
(MUMBLES) I love you.
I feel the same.
I just can't say it here.
Crowe, I noticed you haven't
asked me to be your best man.
On this of all days, you show me no
respect, you poetry-loving Aussie poof.
Porky ageing Lothario Jack Nicholson
said this week that he's lost his libido.
He's still shouting "Here's Johnny", but
nowadays he can't get the damn thing on.
In previous episodes
of "Living with the Enemy",
we've bought together hunt saboteurs
and Tory MPs, Sloane rangers and gypsies.
But this is our greatest challenge yet,
as we get Time Lord
Doctor Who to spend a weekend
with the Cyberman family of Essex.
It is true the Time Lord is forbidden
from interfering with other life forms.
That's a likely excuse
for not helping with the washing up!
The Cybermen are notoriously evil warriors,
but when off duty,
they really know how to party.
And this was
when we invaded the planet Voga.
And this is when we invaded Kronos.
And this is when we invaded Garazone.
- And this is when we invaded Cryon.
- Lovely.
Thank God that's over.
Not even the Daleks ever subjected me
to anything so arse-paralysingly painful.
Maybe things will liven up
when we go for a beer.
Do you remember when I thwarted
your invasion of Gallifrey
by scraping a gold badge
across the Cyberleader's chest?
Gold being lethal to Cybermen, it killed
him instantly. Now, that was funny.
(VOICEOVER) But a few pints later,
everyone starts to relax.
(DOCTOR SINGS) # Maybe I didn't treat you
# Quite as good as I should have
# And maybe I didn't neutralise you
# Quite as often as I should have
# Little things that I should
have said and done
# I just never took the time
# You were always on my mind
# You were always on my mind #
You're my best mate
in the whole galaxy, you are.
No, I don't care what the Daleks say.
They're a bunch of wankers.
That was a top night, but when
they insisted on going for a curry,
then on to invade Telos to convert
the Cryons into Cyberdrones,
I called it a night.
Next week, see how the Bush family
of Washington get on
when they drop in on
the Husseins of Baghdad.
Hello.
Now, recipes involving fish
are always popular,
as we saw in Rick Stein's
marvellous programme
"Rick Stein's a
Taste of the Sea".
Well, the sea is all
Rick will be tasting from now on,
as earlier today,
I set his feet in concrete
and threw him off
Padstow Harbour.
Now, I used strong ropes
to bind his hands and gag him,
but you could use any old handkerchiefs.
Yes, I do realise I've gone barking mad,
but why else would I
have bought Norwich City?
("PARKINSON" THEME)
Good evening. My next guests are amongst
the world's greatest bus travellers.
They've waited at stops
here in the UK and Hollywood,
and have also travelled some
of the greatest journeys
which have ever been chartered.
It's a wonderful honour
to speak to the two of you today.
This is a typical bus stop. How does
this rank alongside the classic bus stops
at which you've waited over the years?
(INDISTINCT)
Beckham, throw the game
or there might be more rumours
on the Internet about you.
It's been suggested
that Cherie Blair's tearful speech
wasn't as original as people
had first assumed,
as this footage of Peter Mandelson's
last resignation speech shows.
It is not fair to the Government that the
entire focus of political debate at present
revolves around my
questionable property deals.
I know I'm in a very special position.
I have an interesting job,
but I know that I'm not Superwoman.
The reality of my life is that
I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air.
Trying to be the Prime Minister's consort
at home and abroad and a charity worker...
sometimes some of those balls get dropped.
I would never want
to harm anyone, least of all my Tony.
Thinking about it, has anyone
actually ever seen them together?
Wizard Gandalf, where
must my quest take me?
Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must set out for the Ford of Bruinen,
where the council of Elrond convenes.
Be wary of their advice,
for they have lost courage.
But listen to them well,
for they alone hold the key to success
in your battle with the Nazgûl
as you cross the Bridge of Khazad-dûm.
Press deeper and deeper
into the gloom that is the Fangorn Forest
until, when all hope seems lost,
you finally gaze upon Pelennor Fields
and your journey will end.
- You want me to bring back the Ring?
- No.
20 Silk Cut and a packet of matches.
Don't tell Bilbo. He thinks I've given up.
We interrupt this
broadcast to bring you
the following newsflash
from the BBC newsroom.
Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys.
It's too soon to say which one, but we
are expecting an announcement shortly.
The BBC has just received news
that a terrible thing has happened.
We don't know what this
terrible thing is yet,
but the Prime Minister
has been first to look sincere.
A terrible thing has happened and I am
deeply angered, saddened and/or moved.
When I find out what it is,
I'll be taking tough action
and/or extending
my sympathies on national television.
Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils,
I-got-in-before-Iain-Duncan-Smith smile.
Iain Duncan Smith
has interrupted his busy schedule
to make this statement
about the terrible thing.
I am appalled by this terrible thing.
And Liberal Democrat leader
Charles Kennedy made this statement.
I am absolutely appalled
by this terrible thing.
Then Iain Duncan Smith said this.
Well, I am totally and utterly
devastated and appalled.
Well, I am not only devastated and
appalled, I am outraged and shocked.
I am infinitely moved and appalled
and shocked recurring with no returns.
And no sombre occasion would be complete
without a statement from the Palace.
My husband and I
knew this terrible thing would happen.
One just forgot to mention it to anyone.
And now it's time for pointless conjecture
with Professor Robert Nibbs,
an expert in terrible things that happen.
- Professor, what is this terrible thing?
- Well, I have no idea.
That won't stop you answering, will it?
No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book
"Terrible Things That Can Happen",
I did say at some time,
somewhere in the world,
something terrible would happen,
and I've been proved right.
Right... Well, I'm told we can now
return to normal programmes,
because although a terrible
thing has happened,
it was a long way away
and no westerners were involved.
Good night.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
(MUMBLES)
No, I'm not interested.
(MUMBLES)
I don't live here.
(MUMBLES)
(MUMBLES)
- I'm busy.
- (MUMBLES)
(MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY)
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I must leave you in peace.
It's been good talking to you.
(MUTTERS)
We're all citizens, aren't we?
Citizen Smith and Citizen Jones.
(MUTTERS)
- Thanks very much.
- (MUTTERS) Message across.
Hello, I'm Hannah Gordon,
a cross between Judith Chalmers
and some fabric conditioner.
On today's "Watercolour Challenge",
we're using this sunset scene
to compare the methods
of artists today and 100 years ago.
On the modern side, it's our old friend
Arthur Hughes from Hereford.
Well, Arthur, how's the
lakeside view going?
Well, initially,
I had a little trouble capturing the water,
but I've adjusted my colostomy bag now.
Lovely. Would your techniques
have been the same 100 years ago?
Oh, no. I'd have just weed in a bucket.
Well, have a sterling day, sirrah!
Representing artists of 100 years ago,
it's Post-Impressionist master
Vincent van Gogh.
- What's with the bandage, Vincent?
- Oh, this?
I cut off half my ear with a razor.
Lovely. Let's hope you're not
so clumsy with a paintbrush!
Yah, it was an outburst
of violent self-loathing.
Super. Now, Vincent, as one
of the greatest artists of all time,
I expect you've produced
an extraordinary work of genius.
More importantly, have
you had a nice day out?
Yah, my painting is a
distortion of shape and colour,
which conveys the most
elemental of emotions.
I am not some amateur chocolate
box man like your Arthur Hughes.
Oh, want a piece of
me, do you, eh?
Well, how many paintings
have you ever sold?
- One.
- Ha! One?!
- Yah.
- I've sold three. Yeah, three.
- Stick that in your clogs, you Dutch loon!
- (POP)
Oh, dear. It's come away again.
- I'm gonna do you?
- Yah?
(SQUABBLING)
Lovely. Well, we're having
a super day here,
but I have to go, because at midnight
I turn into a tin of tartan shortbread.
Goodbye.
Would I like to have a family?
What kind of question is that?
Of course I'd like to have a family.
I just can't decided if it's Tom Hanks'
or Steven Spielberg's I want.
Following fresh allegations in the press,
Cherie and I felt it necessary
to make this statement.
What they say is true, we have been taken
for a ride by a second Australian con man.
G'day. It's your old mate Rolfie here.
When we handed Rolf that money,
we thought we'd get a luxury
cut-price flat in Bristol,
but it was just a hamster
with a dicky tummy
that didn't make it
through the night.
Duped forehead, bemused teeth,
taken-for-a-ride underpants.
And he conned us out of a fortune,
backing these miracle pills
that he said would grow us an extra leg.
Remorseful hair, grave lipstick,
appealing-to-mothers-everywhere tears.
They must've been
diddle-iddle-iddle-dumb to fall for that.
Have you guessed who's just sold her
a half-share in the Sydney Opera House yet?
Now, last week I made
a dress out of Gary Rhodes' skin,
but I was careless about leaving evidence,
so I've finally been caught.
Every criminal genius
makes a mistake sooner or later.
Mine was to write detailed notes of all
my crimes and publish them in hardback,
price £19.99 from all good bookshops.
There's a particularly
good recipe on page 33,
involving Ainsley Harriot's
liver and a nice Chianti.
Or you could just use Valpolicella.
I won't be here next week because I'll be
helping the police stop an evil mastermind
who preys on men and leaves
their bodies completely drained of fluid.
Or Nigella as she's otherwise known.
He was a skater boy. She said, "See you
later, boy." He wasn't good enough for her.
More on that story later.
Last week, the Government
announced it's to spend billions
on a major road-widening scheme,
but hidden in the bill
was another controversial proposal -
a scheme to widen John Prescott.
Preparations at the depot
have already begun.
We're confident the Prescott-widening
scheme will be completed on time.
My men will be shovelling
these pasties round the clock,
and that cement mixer has been
whipping up Birds trifle for weeks.
I'm joined in our Westminster studio
by John Prescott.
Kirsty, it's essential I am widened to
accommodate the expected ten-fold increase
in the number of pies handled
by my small intestine by 2008.
There is a major bottleneck
where the chips and pies go,
so we propose three new mouths,
two on my shoulders and one on my forehead.
But what benefits will
this have for the public?
Well, in answer,
and you've had your pudding,
I'd like to have
mine with custard,
and whereas, in fact, you'll find
Mr Ginster agrees with me on that point,
the more food I eat,
the fewer incomprehensible sentences
I give on programmes like this.
This is the best thing you've ever done!
Took the words mouth out of mine right.
My name is Greg Dyke
and I am Director General of the BBC.
Bring back "Doctor Who"?
All right, but no Daleks.
No, they crossed me once too often.
Now, a Government independent review
Body has been mouthing off
about my 24-hour
rolling news channel, News 24.
They say unless it's more distinctive,
it'll be taken off air.
Right, I'll make it bloody distinctive.
Instead of 24-hour rolling news,
we'll make it 24-hour bowling news.
All the latest greens, all the gossip,
breaking news about which
clubroom serves the best cream teas.
And if that isn't distinctive enough,
I'll just turn it into
24-hour strolling news.
Strollers, strollers and more strollers.
While there's a pun left in my body,
nobody takes one of my
stations off the air!
So, wise wizard Gandalf,
where is it my quest is going to take me?
Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must cross the Barrow Downs at Bree...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get the idea.
Over this, across that,
beyond bloody something else.
Look, I'm only going
if at the end, there will be the Ring.
Well? Will the Ring be there?
I wouldn't have thought so.
It's in my pocket.
Then why have you sent me
on these epic quests?
Because I am a bastard.
Just because someone has a beard and a
big cloak, that doesn't mean they're nice.
Get me that lock of Prince Harry's hair,
or they'll only be able
to identify you by your DNA.
MI5 says Osama Bin Laden
may have bought 40 suitcase bombs.
What's more terrifying
is that each suitcase
comes with its own
Celtic supporter.
Very good evening.
Welcome to "The Sky At Night".
I recently purchased
this huge, immensely powerful telescope,
which allows me to observe images
from the furthest reaches of the cosmos.
Images so distant, they, in fact,
transpired billions of years in the past.
As I look into the distant depths of space,
one gets rare glimpses
of the birth of planets,
stars coalescing together
to form new galaxies.
In fact, we can see so far back in time,
that even the early stages
of the birth of our universe are visible.
And if one looks even further back
than that - yes, it's quite incredible -
one would see me in Dunn & Co
on Oxford Street buying this jacket,
just over four billion years ago
in the First Jacket Age.
Certainly brings back some happy memories.
Very good night. Good night.
Later on 4, we've a documentary
that takes a sensitive look at the issues
surrounding gender reassignment.
That's "Bloody Hell, That Weird-Looking
Bloke's Wearing a Dress" tonight at nine.
I think what's important
about people is what is on the inside,
which is why I think it's absolutely
frightful that in our society
people are persecuted
just because of the colour of their skin.
Take me. I'm a normal, lovely person,
but I face prejudice every
day, just because...
...I'm orange.
TVpresenters all across
the country are asking themselves...
Now, let me tell you something.
I was repeatedly bullied at school.
They treated me no better than a dog
or a "Bargain Hunt" contestant.
Was it because I was orange?
Was it because I was just
generally an annoying tit?
Orange boy!
But I found there was one way
of deflecting the bullies.
I'd say an eighter, possibly a niner.
It has been vinegared,
but that adds to the value.
And at one Dairylea triangle,
I'd say it's a bobby dazzler.
Ho-ho! Cheap as chips!
Some of the things
I get called are unbelievable.
I mean, I can laugh now, but at the time,
it's very upsetting to be called Fanta...
- Orang-utan...
- Lucozade...
- Oompa Loompa...
- But in the end, all we want
is for people of all colours
to be lovely and at peace with each other.
# Tangerine and ivory
# Live together in perfect harmony
# Side by side on my piano... #
These people are fighting for their right -
their right to significantly increase
their chances of getting skin cancer
just so they can look like Spaniards.
And together,
they believe the future's bright,
- The future's ...
- (ALL) Orange!
Just time for a look
at what'll be on news-stands tomorrow.
The "Times" has "More Answers Are Needed
to Cherie Blair's Links with Peter Foster".
The "Telegraph" demands a full
Government enquiry into "Cheriegate".
The "Mail" has an exclusive -
"Cherie Blair Is a Witch and Should
Be Stoned and Then Cast Into the River".
The "Beano" has Cherie Blair
being spanked by Dennis the Menace's dad.
"Hot Big Ones" asks if the Cherie Blair
scandal could have been avoided
if she'd only pleasured herself
by sitting on a washing machine.
And finally,
the "Radio Times" has ten pages
of ads for porcelain
figurines of Cherie
with a tear in her eye
and an onion in her hand. Good night.
I paid cash for them Scud missiles.
They better be in my garage by morning.
Investigators say the
collision in the North Sea
that led to 3,000 luxury BMWs
being lost was inevitable,
as the person in charge of the BMWs
was a tosser who assumed he owned the sea.
Have you been injured
by an accident at work?
Have you tripped or fallen
over a loose paving stone?
Have you tried to con people with dodgy
slimming pills and timeshare scams
and have the authorities
breathing down your neck?
Then call Cherie Direct.
At Cherie Direct,
our trained lawyer is at Number Ten
24 hours a day to
take your call.
I'm not Superwoman and I'm
juggling a lot of balls in the air,
but I'll do what I can.
Over the years, Cherie Direct has helped
countless con men facing deportation.
Like Peter from Australia.
Just one phone call
and a couple of faxes to Cherie Direct
was all it took for me to get
a generous six-figure cash settlement
from a sleazy Sunday tabloid paper. Bonza!
Phone Cherie Direct today.
Because with Cherie Direct
handling your case,
the only person my husband
will want to deport is me.
Scared lips, timid earlobes,
I'm -a-liability trouser suit.
My fellow invertebrates, this week, a
major incident reported took place at sea,
during which Colin Powell
captured my battleship.
Oh, we also raidified
that stupid North Korean boat as well.
As a result,
the North Korean leader, Kim Jong,
announcified that he would be resumerating
their nuclear programme -
a programme I condemn, because
it threatens to desalinate the region,
and also because it's a programme
that hasn't once featured the Fonz.
But be warned, King Kong,
like others before you,
should you threaten New York
by climbing the Empire State Building,
then my fleet of biplanes will
obliterfry you from the face of the Earth.
God bless pancakes.
- There you go, sir. Pint of lager.
- Cheers, mate.
You know, when I saw Cherie Blair
on the telly crying her eyes out,
I couldn't help thinking...
I should be making money out of this.
Wise wizard Gandalf,
where will my quest take me?
Far, young hobbit,
but it will be worth the journey.
You must show great courage
as you leave the Shire
and head north across the mountains.
There you must venture
into Balin's Tomb and beyond,
though you will need
great cunning to defeat the Orcs
as you cross
the River Anduin at Parth Galen.
Beyond lies the many
terrors of Dead Marches,
but survive them
and you will reach first Ithilien,
then Mordor where your search will end.
And you want me to bring you the One Ring
that will bring peace to Middle Earth?
No, a carton of milk.
There's nothing in the fridge
and I'm gagging
for a cup of tea.
Hello, I'm Delia Smith.
I'm reminding you because I haven't been
on your screens for quite some time.
That's because there are so many
other wonderful cooks on television,
each bringing you
their own unique perspective on cookery,
which is why I've been working extra hard
to bring you some really
memorable recipes for this series.
Now, for this first dish, I've been greatly
inspired by Antony Worrall Thompson.
When I heard the BBC
were giving him another series,
I broke into his house late at night
and slaughtered him like a pig,
thus freeing up a good two months
in the schedules for lots more Delia.
Now, I used a machete to dismember his
body, but any sharp implement will do.
I then left his limbs to simmer
in this large pot,
until the neighbours
complained about the smell.
And now the entire Metropolitan Police
force are after me,
but I think you'll agree
that the result was worth it.
Mmm... Lovely.
And for the finishing touch,
his beard makes an excellent garnish.
Goodbye.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson,
Melvyn Bragg with alopecia.
The makers of the Harry Potter films
have finally ended speculation
as to who'll replace
Richard Harris as Dumbledore.
The role has gone
to another legendary British hellraiser.
Oh, wise and kindly Dumbledore,
what advice do you have for me?
Don't have (BLEEP)ing
kids, that's my advice.
They're a (BLEEP)ing nightmare.
When they said I'd be surrounded by
magical elves and plants that come to life,
I thought, "I'll have some
of whatever they're having."
You never said it'd be for (BLEEP)ing
real, you specky little shit.
You said you'd teach me
to fly on a broomstick.
Listen, you take a quarter
of the stuff I've had,
you'll be flying all right, but you
won't need no (BLEEP)ing broomstick.
Without your help, Dumbledore,
how will I defeat the evil Lord Voldemort?
You leave Voldemort to me. I'll show him
who the real Prince of Darkness is.
Let's see his face
when I bite the head off Professor Snape.
People of Britain...
Nervous forehead, worried teeth,
I-hate-the-"Daily-Mail" bald spot...
Fresh allegations
continue to surface
over Cherie's dealings
with con man Peter Foster.
This has forced me
to take the very tough decision
to sack Cherie from her
post of being my wife.
That was the Prime Minister
making his bombshell announcement today.
- He joins me in the studio.
- Good evening, Kirsty.
It must've been difficult
sacking the person you love and cherish.
I'm not sacking Alistair Campbell...
Sorry, you meant Cherie.
Much like when I split John
Prescott's ministry into three,
I want to divide the job of the
politician's wife into traditional roles
of photo opportunities,
domestic duties and rumpy pumpy.
Photo opportunities
will be handled by the red pillar box.
Its big wide mouth and red face
make it the perfect replacement.
Is that really practical?
Yes. The pillar box has been doing the job
for six months and nobody has noticed.
Presumably, that means that
the blow-up doll takes care of rumpy pumpy,
while Robin Cook
will take over domestic duties?
Yes, Kirsty. Yes, that's
exactly right. Yes.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
(MUMBLES) I love you.
I feel the same.
I just can't say it here.
Crowe, I noticed you haven't
asked me to be your best man.
On this of all days, you show me no
respect, you poetry-loving Aussie poof.
Porky ageing Lothario Jack Nicholson
said this week that he's lost his libido.
He's still shouting "Here's Johnny", but
nowadays he can't get the damn thing on.
In previous episodes
of "Living with the Enemy",
we've bought together hunt saboteurs
and Tory MPs, Sloane rangers and gypsies.
But this is our greatest challenge yet,
as we get Time Lord
Doctor Who to spend a weekend
with the Cyberman family of Essex.
It is true the Time Lord is forbidden
from interfering with other life forms.
That's a likely excuse
for not helping with the washing up!
The Cybermen are notoriously evil warriors,
but when off duty,
they really know how to party.
And this was
when we invaded the planet Voga.
And this is when we invaded Kronos.
And this is when we invaded Garazone.
- And this is when we invaded Cryon.
- Lovely.
Thank God that's over.
Not even the Daleks ever subjected me
to anything so arse-paralysingly painful.
Maybe things will liven up
when we go for a beer.
Do you remember when I thwarted
your invasion of Gallifrey
by scraping a gold badge
across the Cyberleader's chest?
Gold being lethal to Cybermen, it killed
him instantly. Now, that was funny.
(VOICEOVER) But a few pints later,
everyone starts to relax.
(DOCTOR SINGS) # Maybe I didn't treat you
# Quite as good as I should have
# And maybe I didn't neutralise you
# Quite as often as I should have
# Little things that I should
have said and done
# I just never took the time
# You were always on my mind
# You were always on my mind #
You're my best mate
in the whole galaxy, you are.
No, I don't care what the Daleks say.
They're a bunch of wankers.
That was a top night, but when
they insisted on going for a curry,
then on to invade Telos to convert
the Cryons into Cyberdrones,
I called it a night.
Next week, see how the Bush family
of Washington get on
when they drop in on
the Husseins of Baghdad.
Hello.
Now, recipes involving fish
are always popular,
as we saw in Rick Stein's
marvellous programme
"Rick Stein's a
Taste of the Sea".
Well, the sea is all
Rick will be tasting from now on,
as earlier today,
I set his feet in concrete
and threw him off
Padstow Harbour.
Now, I used strong ropes
to bind his hands and gag him,
but you could use any old handkerchiefs.
Yes, I do realise I've gone barking mad,
but why else would I
have bought Norwich City?
("PARKINSON" THEME)
Good evening. My next guests are amongst
the world's greatest bus travellers.
They've waited at stops
here in the UK and Hollywood,
and have also travelled some
of the greatest journeys
which have ever been chartered.
It's a wonderful honour
to speak to the two of you today.
This is a typical bus stop. How does
this rank alongside the classic bus stops
at which you've waited over the years?
(INDISTINCT)
Beckham, throw the game
or there might be more rumours
on the Internet about you.
It's been suggested
that Cherie Blair's tearful speech
wasn't as original as people
had first assumed,
as this footage of Peter Mandelson's
last resignation speech shows.
It is not fair to the Government that the
entire focus of political debate at present
revolves around my
questionable property deals.
I know I'm in a very special position.
I have an interesting job,
but I know that I'm not Superwoman.
The reality of my life is that
I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air.
Trying to be the Prime Minister's consort
at home and abroad and a charity worker...
sometimes some of those balls get dropped.
I would never want
to harm anyone, least of all my Tony.
Thinking about it, has anyone
actually ever seen them together?
Wizard Gandalf, where
must my quest take me?
Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must set out for the Ford of Bruinen,
where the council of Elrond convenes.
Be wary of their advice,
for they have lost courage.
But listen to them well,
for they alone hold the key to success
in your battle with the Nazgûl
as you cross the Bridge of Khazad-dûm.
Press deeper and deeper
into the gloom that is the Fangorn Forest
until, when all hope seems lost,
you finally gaze upon Pelennor Fields
and your journey will end.
- You want me to bring back the Ring?
- No.
20 Silk Cut and a packet of matches.
Don't tell Bilbo. He thinks I've given up.
We interrupt this
broadcast to bring you
the following newsflash
from the BBC newsroom.
Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys.
It's too soon to say which one, but we
are expecting an announcement shortly.
The BBC has just received news
that a terrible thing has happened.
We don't know what this
terrible thing is yet,
but the Prime Minister
has been first to look sincere.
A terrible thing has happened and I am
deeply angered, saddened and/or moved.
When I find out what it is,
I'll be taking tough action
and/or extending
my sympathies on national television.
Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils,
I-got-in-before-Iain-Duncan-Smith smile.
Iain Duncan Smith
has interrupted his busy schedule
to make this statement
about the terrible thing.
I am appalled by this terrible thing.
And Liberal Democrat leader
Charles Kennedy made this statement.
I am absolutely appalled
by this terrible thing.
Then Iain Duncan Smith said this.
Well, I am totally and utterly
devastated and appalled.
Well, I am not only devastated and
appalled, I am outraged and shocked.
I am infinitely moved and appalled
and shocked recurring with no returns.
And no sombre occasion would be complete
without a statement from the Palace.
My husband and I
knew this terrible thing would happen.
One just forgot to mention it to anyone.
And now it's time for pointless conjecture
with Professor Robert Nibbs,
an expert in terrible things that happen.
- Professor, what is this terrible thing?
- Well, I have no idea.
That won't stop you answering, will it?
No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book
"Terrible Things That Can Happen",
I did say at some time,
somewhere in the world,
something terrible would happen,
and I've been proved right.
Right... Well, I'm told we can now
return to normal programmes,
because although a terrible
thing has happened,
it was a long way away
and no westerners were involved.
Good night.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
(MUMBLES)
No, I'm not interested.
(MUMBLES)
I don't live here.
(MUMBLES)
(MUMBLES)
- I'm busy.
- (MUMBLES)
(MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY)
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I must leave you in peace.
It's been good talking to you.
(MUTTERS)
We're all citizens, aren't we?
Citizen Smith and Citizen Jones.
(MUTTERS)
- Thanks very much.
- (MUTTERS) Message across.
Hello, I'm Hannah Gordon,
a cross between Judith Chalmers
and some fabric conditioner.
On today's "Watercolour Challenge",
we're using this sunset scene
to compare the methods
of artists today and 100 years ago.
On the modern side, it's our old friend
Arthur Hughes from Hereford.
Well, Arthur, how's the
lakeside view going?
Well, initially,
I had a little trouble capturing the water,
but I've adjusted my colostomy bag now.
Lovely. Would your techniques
have been the same 100 years ago?
Oh, no. I'd have just weed in a bucket.
Well, have a sterling day, sirrah!
Representing artists of 100 years ago,
it's Post-Impressionist master
Vincent van Gogh.
- What's with the bandage, Vincent?
- Oh, this?
I cut off half my ear with a razor.
Lovely. Let's hope you're not
so clumsy with a paintbrush!
Yah, it was an outburst
of violent self-loathing.
Super. Now, Vincent, as one
of the greatest artists of all time,
I expect you've produced
an extraordinary work of genius.
More importantly, have
you had a nice day out?
Yah, my painting is a
distortion of shape and colour,
which conveys the most
elemental of emotions.
I am not some amateur chocolate
box man like your Arthur Hughes.
Oh, want a piece of
me, do you, eh?
Well, how many paintings
have you ever sold?
- One.
- Ha! One?!
- Yah.
- I've sold three. Yeah, three.
- Stick that in your clogs, you Dutch loon!
- (POP)
Oh, dear. It's come away again.
- I'm gonna do you?
- Yah?
(SQUABBLING)
Lovely. Well, we're having
a super day here,
but I have to go, because at midnight
I turn into a tin of tartan shortbread.
Goodbye.
Would I like to have a family?
What kind of question is that?
Of course I'd like to have a family.
I just can't decided if it's Tom Hanks'
or Steven Spielberg's I want.
Following fresh allegations in the press,
Cherie and I felt it necessary
to make this statement.
What they say is true, we have been taken
for a ride by a second Australian con man.
G'day. It's your old mate Rolfie here.
When we handed Rolf that money,
we thought we'd get a luxury
cut-price flat in Bristol,
but it was just a hamster
with a dicky tummy
that didn't make it
through the night.
Duped forehead, bemused teeth,
taken-for-a-ride underpants.
And he conned us out of a fortune,
backing these miracle pills
that he said would grow us an extra leg.
Remorseful hair, grave lipstick,
appealing-to-mothers-everywhere tears.
They must've been
diddle-iddle-iddle-dumb to fall for that.
Have you guessed who's just sold her
a half-share in the Sydney Opera House yet?
Now, last week I made
a dress out of Gary Rhodes' skin,
but I was careless about leaving evidence,
so I've finally been caught.
Every criminal genius
makes a mistake sooner or later.
Mine was to write detailed notes of all
my crimes and publish them in hardback,
price £19.99 from all good bookshops.
There's a particularly
good recipe on page 33,
involving Ainsley Harriot's
liver and a nice Chianti.
Or you could just use Valpolicella.
I won't be here next week because I'll be
helping the police stop an evil mastermind
who preys on men and leaves
their bodies completely drained of fluid.
Or Nigella as she's otherwise known.
He was a skater boy. She said, "See you
later, boy." He wasn't good enough for her.
More on that story later.
Last week, the Government
announced it's to spend billions
on a major road-widening scheme,
but hidden in the bill
was another controversial proposal -
a scheme to widen John Prescott.
Preparations at the depot
have already begun.
We're confident the Prescott-widening
scheme will be completed on time.
My men will be shovelling
these pasties round the clock,
and that cement mixer has been
whipping up Birds trifle for weeks.
I'm joined in our Westminster studio
by John Prescott.
Kirsty, it's essential I am widened to
accommodate the expected ten-fold increase
in the number of pies handled
by my small intestine by 2008.
There is a major bottleneck
where the chips and pies go,
so we propose three new mouths,
two on my shoulders and one on my forehead.
But what benefits will
this have for the public?
Well, in answer,
and you've had your pudding,
I'd like to have
mine with custard,
and whereas, in fact, you'll find
Mr Ginster agrees with me on that point,
the more food I eat,
the fewer incomprehensible sentences
I give on programmes like this.
This is the best thing you've ever done!
Took the words mouth out of mine right.
My name is Greg Dyke
and I am Director General of the BBC.
Bring back "Doctor Who"?
All right, but no Daleks.
No, they crossed me once too often.
Now, a Government independent review
Body has been mouthing off
about my 24-hour
rolling news channel, News 24.
They say unless it's more distinctive,
it'll be taken off air.
Right, I'll make it bloody distinctive.
Instead of 24-hour rolling news,
we'll make it 24-hour bowling news.
All the latest greens, all the gossip,
breaking news about which
clubroom serves the best cream teas.
And if that isn't distinctive enough,
I'll just turn it into
24-hour strolling news.
Strollers, strollers and more strollers.
While there's a pun left in my body,
nobody takes one of my
stations off the air!
So, wise wizard Gandalf,
where is it my quest is going to take me?
Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must cross the Barrow Downs at Bree...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get the idea.
Over this, across that,
beyond bloody something else.
Look, I'm only going
if at the end, there will be the Ring.
Well? Will the Ring be there?
I wouldn't have thought so.
It's in my pocket.
Then why have you sent me
on these epic quests?
Because I am a bastard.
Just because someone has a beard and a
big cloak, that doesn't mean they're nice.
Get me that lock of Prince Harry's hair,
or they'll only be able
to identify you by your DNA.
MI5 says Osama Bin Laden
may have bought 40 suitcase bombs.
What's more terrifying
is that each suitcase
comes with its own
Celtic supporter.
Very good evening.
Welcome to "The Sky At Night".
I recently purchased
this huge, immensely powerful telescope,
which allows me to observe images
from the furthest reaches of the cosmos.
Images so distant, they, in fact,
transpired billions of years in the past.
As I look into the distant depths of space,
one gets rare glimpses
of the birth of planets,
stars coalescing together
to form new galaxies.
In fact, we can see so far back in time,
that even the early stages
of the birth of our universe are visible.
And if one looks even further back
than that - yes, it's quite incredible -
one would see me in Dunn & Co
on Oxford Street buying this jacket,
just over four billion years ago
in the First Jacket Age.
Certainly brings back some happy memories.
Very good night. Good night.
Later on 4, we've a documentary
that takes a sensitive look at the issues
surrounding gender reassignment.
That's "Bloody Hell, That Weird-Looking
Bloke's Wearing a Dress" tonight at nine.
I think what's important
about people is what is on the inside,
which is why I think it's absolutely
frightful that in our society
people are persecuted
just because of the colour of their skin.
Take me. I'm a normal, lovely person,
but I face prejudice every
day, just because...
...I'm orange.
TVpresenters all across
the country are asking themselves...
Now, let me tell you something.
I was repeatedly bullied at school.
They treated me no better than a dog
or a "Bargain Hunt" contestant.
Was it because I was orange?
Was it because I was just
generally an annoying tit?
Orange boy!
But I found there was one way
of deflecting the bullies.
I'd say an eighter, possibly a niner.
It has been vinegared,
but that adds to the value.
And at one Dairylea triangle,
I'd say it's a bobby dazzler.
Ho-ho! Cheap as chips!
Some of the things
I get called are unbelievable.
I mean, I can laugh now, but at the time,
it's very upsetting to be called Fanta...
- Orang-utan...
- Lucozade...
- Oompa Loompa...
- But in the end, all we want
is for people of all colours
to be lovely and at peace with each other.
# Tangerine and ivory
# Live together in perfect harmony
# Side by side on my piano... #
These people are fighting for their right -
their right to significantly increase
their chances of getting skin cancer
just so they can look like Spaniards.
And together,
they believe the future's bright,
- The future's ...
- (ALL) Orange!
Just time for a look
at what'll be on news-stands tomorrow.
The "Times" has "More Answers Are Needed
to Cherie Blair's Links with Peter Foster".
The "Telegraph" demands a full
Government enquiry into "Cheriegate".
The "Mail" has an exclusive -
"Cherie Blair Is a Witch and Should
Be Stoned and Then Cast Into the River".
The "Beano" has Cherie Blair
being spanked by Dennis the Menace's dad.
"Hot Big Ones" asks if the Cherie Blair
scandal could have been avoided
if she'd only pleasured herself
by sitting on a washing machine.
And finally,
the "Radio Times" has ten pages
of ads for porcelain
figurines of Cherie
with a tear in her eye
and an onion in her hand. Good night.