Dead Like Me (2003–2004): Season 2, Episode 7 - Rites of Passage - full transcript

I know there are billions of stars in the sky,

and they're all twinkling.

I wonder what makes one star more important than another?

I mean, why does one star become part of the big dipper,

and another just flame out?

Wow.

See that shooting star?

My name's Vance.

You told me that already.

Right.

I'm just a little nervous tonight.



You should be.

Is that me?

Shit!

I only took one hit.

How stupid is that?

Well, they don't call it dope for nothing.

So... what happens next?

Do I go up there?

You're asking the wrong girl.

Some people believe there's something bigger out there...

that there's something protecting us,

watching over us as we change.

I guess it's comforting to think that someone is looking in on us.

Reggie. Reggie, let's go.



Come on, come on. Hurry up.

- Where are we going?
- Just be quiet. Just get in the car.

Morning!

Sorry. We--we wake you up?

What are you doing on my house?

Don't mind her, Hank.

Last to rise, first to worry.

Mother! What are you doing?

Joy, dear, did you honestly think

that I was just going to write you a check for fixing this roof

without looking at it myself first?

I always warned you this house is in lousy shape.

No, you actually used to say that about my marriage.

You see? Right on both counts.

- Hi, Reggie!
- Hi, grandma.

Come on-- Hank, would you mind putting the bags over there?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Well...

That man has the most amazing hindquarters.

Reggie, you need to, uh, go get ready for school.

Oh, relax, Joy. We're all women here.

I mean it, Reggie.

Clancy had such a flat ass.

You really can't trust a man with a flat ass.

Mom.

Nothing to hold on to. You know who has the best ass?

Derek jeter. Tch-ka, tch-ka, tch-ka.

You--you--this-- you can't be here.

The thing is, joy, I am here.

I should've been here before, but I was respecting your wishes.

So, at the end of the day, what has that accomplished?

You not being here.

Oh. Oh...

Here's the estimate for the roof.

- Thanks, Hank.
- Don't mention it, Phyllis.

I have an estimate!

And I'm sure it's twice as much as what Hank is going to charge you.

Face it, Joy. You never liked to get your hands dirty.

Whereas these hands... they love the dirt.

Some repairs, you can get an estimate for...

and some repairs,

you can't put a price on.

People always say, "you can't take it with you."

But try dying and then coming back, see if you don't try to hold onto something...

something important.

"Where I sit, thou hast no right to stand."

That doesn't make sense.

Why would I want to stand where you sit?

So Moses just told Death to get lost, and Death just went?

That's some freeze-dried bullshit, Daisy.

Yeah, I can't see Death giving up that easily.

I don't care if it's Ghandi.

If I have a post-it, I'm taking his bony brown butt out.

See, Death didn't actually take Moses.

God kissed him.

- God kissed moses?
- Mm-hmm, when it was his time,

God kissed him, and that's how he went. It's beautiful.

Did you get to the part where God hates Death

and promises he'll banish us from heaven?

May I?

There's no place for you in here, sweetness.

I don't know what this is.

I don't understand why I don't get this one.

Say what you want about my beliefs, but I'm professional.

I'm punctual and I get the job done.

That's it, Rube. That's the last goddamn straw.

This is fucking bullshit, that's what it is.

She's just a kid, Rube.

She can't handle it.

Fuck that! I can handle this.

What is it?

No offense, Georgie girl, but how long have you been in this business?

A fucking year at the most? I mean, I've worked my fucking-- worked--

It's not a negotiation.

George has got the letter.

All these fireworks?

Let's just assume that's already happened and help our young friend with her situation.

Thank you.

What's my situation?

- V.I.P.R.
- "Very important person reap."

I.D.G.I.

"I don't get it."

Open it already.

Did I win a prize?

Keep going.

K. Lowerdeck?

Kyle lowerdeck, the singer?

Come on! This has got to be some unholy fucking mess-up,

because this is my reap. I was born to do this reap.

I was put on this Earth, and in this place, der the waffle haus, to fucking do this reap.

Please don't.

I was born to be a rock star.

If I could sing.

He's cute.

He's not as cute as my first V.I.P.R.-- James dean.

Beautiful Porsche. These really delicate lips. But he was so confused.

- Did he try to nail you?
- No. I don't know why.

I do.

You.

And you.

Fine.

Okay... why don't you just get a big lead pole, and stick it right up my ass?

Same location, different reap.

You got sloppy seconds.

I'm going to be calm. Why does she get the cool reap?

Probably because you're a fuck-up.

Congratulations, Georgia.

You've arrived. Excuse me.

I could've been James Dean, you know, if I could act... or drive.

- You up for this?
- Yeah, sure, why not?

She's going to fuck it up.

Hey, someone thinks I'm doing a good job. Right?

Am I right or am I right?

Okay, rich girl, breakfast is on you.

Roxy! Roxy. Oh...

Listen, uh...

- George is going to need help.
- She'll be fine.

Well, uh...

an event like that,

probably going to have police security, right?

You can stop right there.

I'm not losing my job over this.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a police officer.

I swore an oath.

I don't care if you donated a kidney.

What you are is a reaper.

That's the job you're not going to lose, whether you want to or not.

What if I say no?

- Say no.
- No.

All right, Reggie gets out of school at 2:30,

so if you're really going to do this, I need to have--

Oh, god.

You know, mom, you can't take care of Reggie

and channel Hiawatha at the same time.

Reggie isn't ready for your...

version of the healing process.

Reggie is old enough to make her own decisions.

No, mother, she's not.

All right? She's 11.

"The path of care is the one we carve for ourselves."

You've been saying that for as long as I've worn a bra,

and I still have no clue what it means.

Just, please, leave Reggie out of... your hocus pocus.

Rules are the first step toward tyranny of the soul.

You're right.

The rules are just getting in the way. Ah, that's good.

Reggie, you know all that stuff about going to school

and brushing your teeth, not talking to strangers?

Just forget about all that, okay?

You can just do whatever you want.

Do you need some money for drugs?

Why are you such a freak?

Ask your grandmother.

Where's she going?

I don't know.

Your mother was never very good about sharing.

You have to take me to school.

Oh, you're not going to school today.

What am I doing?

Can you keep a secret?

I had a secret...

I had a date with a rock star...

and nobody knew.

Well, well so I can die easy

jesus gonna make up

jesus gonna make up

sweet jesus gonna make up my dying bed

Holy smoke! What the fuck?

Sorry!

Lord, in my time of dying don't want nobody to cry...

What are you doing?

It's Lowerdeck, from "lowerdeck"-- "in all his glory."

Oh, you're a fan?

Oh, I'm a fan. I'm a big fan.

Oh, Misty, please don't.

- Do you have any?
- I, uh... no.

Millie, um, I was wondering if you could--

Excuse me.

Are you watching tonight?

It's going to be totally live.

I know. I'm... going.

It's impossible. It's like one of those unplugged sessions.

No one gets in.

Well, I guess I'm lucky.

You're going to be near him, and now I'm near you.

It's no big deal, really. I-- oh!

- I'm not a lesbian.
- Millie, we've all experimented.

- You--I haven't.
- It's not as if I didn't go to college.

- We've all put our big toe in that water.
- I really haven't.

Delores?

You know, when you're young like you are, Millie,

it's easy.

Man, woman, bottom, top...

sex is this big buffet, and you're just a fat man with a fork,

but as you get older,

it's harder to get a fork.

Okay. Thanks.

Um, I have to leave early today.

- Another doctor's appointment?
- No.

- A.A. Meeting?
- No.

- What, then?
- A rock concert.

- Enjoy the buffet, Millie.
- Yeah. Okay, thanks. Bye.

I'd like to get a ticket for the Kyle Lowerdeck concert.

Sold out.

I have $500?

Oh, well, in that case... sold out.

Asshole.

That sensation you're feeling...

wouldn't be the sensation of utter failure, would it?

- What are you doing here?
- I've come to save your ass.

Let's go to the concert.

- You scored tickets?
- No.

Then I'm screwed! Seriously, I'm royally fucked.

Roxy's downstairs. Police escort.

C ool.

- Those are mom's.
- I know.

Do you ever look at these when she's not home?

It's all right to be curious, Reggie.

Death is the biggest mystery in life.

I'd be worried about you if you weren't curious.

Have you ever been to that place, Reggie?

That place where George died?

It's an important place in her life.

It should be an important place in yours, too.

I know.

We have to find the things and the places that keep George alive.

They're everywhere.

Her--her spirit...

it's all around us.

Sometimes... I hear things.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Are these all of your cool tops?

Some of them are dirty. You want to see those?

I loved riding in the front seat of that police cruiser.

It was my first time without handcuffs.

It's a day of firsts.

This is cute.

- Is this blood?
- No. Brain.

Last Tuesday, that guy who took the shotgun to the face.

Daisy swore she could get it out. Promises, promises.

I also loved the fact you were in the back seat, George.

You looked just like a perp.

You are just so pissed off that I got a rock star and you didn't.

You just wish you were me, don't you?

She's a cocky little thing, isn't she?

I'm not cocky. I'm just cooler than you are.

I got a rock'n'roll reap.

Up yours.

There's nothing to wear to it.

My only V.I.P. Reap was Charlton Heston.

- He isn't dead.
- Yeah, but isn't he really?

Did rube get a lot of big reaps? I bet he has.

Rube is so fucking old, he reaped Jesus.

Come on, guys, I don't see what these clothes have got to do

with getting tickets to the fucking rock concert.

George is a girl.

Looking good is her ticket.

You have a police badge and a bloody gun!

And George is young and cute.

Are these all your tops?

Hey, a dead girl has got to make do with very little.

I need something racy and clingy.

- You still got that $500?
- Most of it.

- Ooh, are we going to go scalping?
- Shopping.

- And you're on your own.
- What?

I don't like your fucking attitude. You're on your own.

You're joking! What?

No, but-- well, I'm just--

Do you twon think I really need you to get into a rock'n'roll establishment?

No, I don't.

I was born in a rock'n'roll establishment.

I actually was.

Behind the amps, backstage.

Roxy?

I'm so viciously fucked.

- Father Matthias?
- Confession is closed.

I know, I just...

Well, it's occupied anyway.

A boy and a girl are actually desecrating the confessional.

They are fruitful and multiplying...

Are you drunk, father?

I'm sorry. I'm not being a very good priest.

No, you certainly aren't.

I know you.

Were you here for confession a couple of weeks ago?

I was.

Were you the one who stole a cross from a dead woman?

Well, if you want to put it that way, fine.

- It's very beautiful.
- Thank you.

So are you.

Father...

tsk, tsk.

Well, I've done the drinking.

And the coveting, that's a given.

But that's where I stop.

What's your name?

Daisy adair.

My parish is poor.

I've spent a lifetime trying to

bring hope to the hopeless,

convincing them that there's some great reward ahead.

I worry about the hearts of men, Daisy.

So do I.

Would you like to know the secrets of the universe, Daisy?

We are born.

We die.

We rot.

It's all one big cosmic joke!

Oh, my lord...

I'm with the band, mate. Cheers.

Uh, excuse me, hello. I'm with the band.

Why don't you understand me?

I'm... with... the... band.

What do you think Kyle's going to say when he says,

"where's my bloody guitar?"

And I say, "the fat bloody security person held me up at the gate"?

All right. I'm friends with the drummer.

What's the drummer's name?

I call him by his nickname, you know, Sticks.

Hit the road, Jack.

Roxy, thank god, man.

Fucking--you don't know what I've been through here.

I mean, in the good old days, you used to be able to just--

- Sir, step aside.
- What?

Sir, don't let me have to ask you again. Step aside.

Don't pull this on me, Roxy.

Don't--no, don't get your little friend to come over and arrest me or anything,

because you're not going to--roxy!

You have not heard the last of this!

Don't I know it.

She's with the band.

Look, she's pretending not to know me!

You're on your own, kid.

Don't fuck this up.

Roxy, you're a bugger.

You know that dream where you're sitting in class,

and all of a sudden you realize you're naked?

Well, I never had that dream.

Until now.

Hey, Don, get someone to clear the fucking step, hey?

Are you all right?

Someone's going to die around here.

I think you're right.

Hey, I'm Jeannie,

and I'm going to get you a drink.

I'm George, and I'm not going to argue.

So I haven't seen you around here before.

- I'm with the network.
- Oh. Cool. What do you do?

Okay, you're supposed to be here, but have no responsibilities.

I'm an... intern.

Nice.

- So have you met Kyle?
- Not yet.

Well, two years ago, Kyle's biggest gig was his step-dad's garage.

He was waiting tables at the daily grill,

and this fucking agent finds him.

She's a vampire. Really has fangs.

Anyway, just like that, no one can get near him.

No one can touch him.

I need to touch him.

Yeah, well, his new girlfriend will kill you first.

I'm going to touch him tonight.

Yeah, well, George,

live hard, die young,

leave a fucking beautiful corpse.

Amen to that, sister.

"Amen to that, sister?"

One more.

Just like that, I was a rocker chick.

Cheers.

Excuse me.

Yoo-hoo.

The thing is,

I've got this little package for Kyle,

you know, it's a performance enhancer.

If you're lucky, you can get a bit on the side--

I've been clean 15 years, lowlife.

Fuck you.

You're going to be hearing from my bloody lawyer.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, that's going to cost you, big time.

If you give me 50 bucks now, we'll forget about the whole thing.

How much to break both your legs?

Oh, come on! This isn't rock'n'roll.

What do you smell like?

Uh...

Oh, come on, since when does a man need to shower to be rock and roll, eh?

You smell like death.

You are not exactly a bouquet of fucking roses either, love, all right?

Oh, fuck off.

- Have a good evening, sir.
- Huh?

Sweet!

Oh, mama, I'm home.

Come on.

Bandar wants to meet you.

- What's your name?
- Mason.

When Kyle used to play, it was like... a happening, you know?

None of this manufactured crap.

Wherever he played, people would just hear about it and come,

you know what I'm saying?

Sure.

Well, it's not like that anymore.

It used to be all about rock.

Now it's all about the rock star.

Yeah, um, can you introduce me now?

Mm, I think there're a few other people who want to meet you first.

What's their deal?

I believe the deal is that you're hot.

- I am?
- Yeah.

You're actually Kyle's type.

You know, that effortless cool look.

Although, you could use a little lip gloss.

Do me.

Yeah, you wish, dude.

What the hell do they think?

- Let's go check out the buffet.
- Okay.

I died in 1938.

Which interrupted a very promising career on the silver screen.

So now I stay here, and I help other people go.

And they do go somewhere, I know that much.

I don't know if there's a heaven or a hell,

but I believe there's more.

My whole life...

my whole death,

shows me that there's more.

I just don't know what it is.

Thank you.

You can't tell anyone.

I have to, I have to tell them.

Yeah.

I know you do.

Thank you for giving me back my faith.

So...

is it true?

I don't know what the hell she's talking about, Band-aid,

but I do want a bit more tequila. Do you know what I mean?

It's Bandar, motherfucker.

Look into his eyes. He's dead.

You're dead, right?

No, man, I'm deathly attracted to you.

I'm dead on arrival at your doorstep. I'm dead serious.

Don't you get it? You're with friends now.

Just answer the question. Are you dead?

I was dead. And now I'm not.

I'm a grim reaper.

I take people's souls before they die.

I knew it.

What is it like to take someone's soul?

All right, Bandar, you know when you're piss drunk,

and you collapse on the floor,

and someone comes to wake you up because the police are just about to arrive, yeah?

Well, I'm that someone.

And at first,

they don't know where they are or who they are,

and they're a little bit confused.

Well, that's why I'm there, 'cause I'm there to...

I'm there to reassure them.

I'm there to make them believe everything's all right.

To death.

Ah... nice.

To death.

Tonight.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Who's there?

Tommy Ryan,

if that's you rmaking out with Cindy Stevens again in my confessional,

there'll be hell to pay!

Cindy stevens? You asshole!

Afternoon.

Uh, we were-- we were just--

Don't lie, Tommy. Not on this day.

This is a holy day, for I have seen something wonderful.

Now, fall to your knees and ask for his forgiveness.

Jesus, father!

Do not use his name in vain! For he is real!

Chill, father. You're freaking me out.

Wait!

Listen to me, I have seen something wonderful!

Tommy! No, wait!

Wait! Tommy! No, wait! Wait! Wait, I--

So...

is that all there is?

No.

This is only the start.

Look.

- Father?
- Yes?

Is it all they say it is?

I'm as curious as you are, Daisy.

I know there's a much better place out there.

If I could only figure out how to access it.

The better place out there, in my mind?

It's the V.I.P. Room.

And tonight...

I'm finally getting in.

Ready to meet Kyle?

Ready for your brush with immortality?

Yeah, a brush sounds right about now.

- Hey, Jeannie.
- Hey, Kyle.

I saw your mom. She says hi.

Oh. Thanks.

Um, this is George. She's with the network.

Actually, I'm an intern.

Uh, Jenny...

- It's Jeannie.
- Yeah.

Kyle doesn't do meet-and-greets this close to performance.

Please try to respect that.

Oh...kay.

She just totally rock-blocked us. That wasn't cool.

Well, let's blow.

I'm going to stick around a while.

He's not really immortal, you know.

You can touch him, but nothing's going to brush off on you.

It's one thing to show up,

take a soul, get on with your afterlife.

You can think of yourself like some kind of...

accident.

But when you have to work at it, it feels more like...

murder.

Offer you a lift home?

Why, Rube, is there a gentleman lurking underneath that cold demeanor?

Where's your cross?

He's a priest, for God's sake.

I wanted golden trumpets and angels singing.

I just expected it to be far more glamorous.

There's a place in Bombay.

It's called the tower of silence.

When somebody dies, they have no more use for this body,

for this vessel,

so they put the body at the top of the tower

and let the vultures have at it.

Our endings, Daisy...

they are what they are.

Great.

So?

Find what you're looking for?

I knew we'd find you here.

What...

what are you doing?

I'm bringing Reggie to visit her sister.

Reggie, did you even go to school today?

The truth, Reggie.

Mom.

We did yoga.

Oh. Good god.

Mother, what color is the sky on your planet?

It's a very bright blue.

Oh, I can't...

I can't do this right now.

Reggie, let's go.

I've never been here before. I want to stay.

Reggie...

She's never been here before, Joy.

All right, fine. Let's be here.

How do I become a reaper?

How do you...

Bandar, first of all,

you have to experience the inconvenience of dying.

I can do that.

Don't you think this is a bit bloody morbid, though?

It's like, I can promise you, death will find you.

You don't have to invite it in.

You're never more alive until you're closest to death.

Very, very right.

Oh, my goodness. Get off. Oh...

Well, meet me, Jesus, meet me

meet me in the middle of the air

if these wings should fail me lord,

won't you meet me with another pair?

That's all you guys get right now.

Well, let's have a great night, guys.

Maybe this is our time.

Maybe this is our moment.

Let's enjoy. Cheers.

- All right!
- All right!

It's always the same,

whether it's asking someone out,

jumping in the water, or losing your virginity.

They always say the same thing:

just do it.

My very important problem was,

I'd never done any of those very important things.

Hi. I'm George.

Hi. I'm Kyle.

I was just, you know, taking a moment...

Take as many as you can.

You excited about tonight?

- Mostly nervous.
- Me too.

I mean, I don't want to disappoint them.

I've never done a live concert on T.V. before.

There's going to be a lot of people watching tonight.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I've been picked to do this.

It's crazy. It's way too much responsibility, you know?

- You're going to be great.
- Give me luck.

You know what, guys, it has been such a treat, but I've got things to do.

Okay, I'll see you around, all right?

Wait. No. What is that?

You have to give that back to me, all right?

I'm going to die tonight.

And you are going to take my soul.

- What's your name?
- I am Bandar.

Your real name, stupid asshole.

It's Fred. It's Fred Swirsky.

I'm fucking with you guys, man. I'm not a fucking grim reaper.

Jesus christ. I don't know where this death wish comes in,

but it's stupid.

I don't think you know how stupid it is.

You need to get a life, Fred.

You all need to get some color.

Maybe a little rouge around the cheeks.

Some sunshine, all right?

You, stay chalky. You're gorgeous.

See you.

Thank you very much, you guys.

Thanks for coming out this evening.

Now, in my time of dying

I don't want nobody to mourn

all I want my friends to do

comin' for my dying arms

well, well, well

so I can die easy

well, well, well

so I can die young

well, well, well

So I can die easy

Jesus gonna make up

Jesus gonna make up

Jesus gonna make up

my dying bed--

No, don't. Please.

Wow.

What's this girl's name? What is her name?

Uh, Jeannie Bead.

Fuck!

Don't... don't touch me.

- What's this?
- It's for you.

Wow.

- Does everyone get this?
- No.

Did you get this?

No, no lights for me.

Not yet.

Every day, I watch people die.

Why one death means more than another,

I have no idea.

I think people need something familiar.

Reggie?

Mom?

Something they can remember.

Whatcha doing there, Reggie?

Grandma's helping George with her bardo.

Is that right?

The bardo is the way the tibetans help the dead sort out reality.

It's an ancient and respected ritual, Joy.

Well, I brought another ancient and respected ritual.

Chunky monkey.

Reggie, why don't you go scoop us up a few bowls?

You know, you're not the only one who's lost George.

The whole world has lost a soul.

She was my daughter.

Mine.

She was me, mom.

The same way that you're me.

And I miss you.

Both of you.

You see it out there?

George did good.

She did fine.

What's going on, Rox?

I had to shoot someone.

Someone died.

- Did your job.
- Mine and Mason's.

I meant your other job...

officer.

I'm just stating a fact.

Did somebody important die?

Today, every day.

What kind of pie you got tonight?

It's pecan.

I saved you a piece, for my very important customer.

- George?
- Yeah, she did really well.

I can't go in there tonight

and face the boss man.

Do me a favor and...

tell him I'm piss drunk somewhere in the gutter.

Don't make more of it than it is.

I won't.

Come on inside. I'm buying.

Maybe it's easier to mourn someone you never really knew.

I'm not sure I get it,

all this shared pain...

I guess it's a place to leave a sign,

a way of saying that you lost someone, too.

Everyone was connecting.

Everyone, of course, except me.

Okay, Rube, I blew it.

I completely blew it, and believe me,

I'm so painfully, painfully aware of my failures this evening,

but, saying that,

bring on more pain, because, no doubt, I deserve it, okay?

Pecan.

Not bad, either.

Think of it as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

- Nice shot, Roxy.
- Thanks.

Here she is.

Look at you! Nice going.

Yeah, it was crazy in there.

I like your outfit.

Thank you, Daisy. Roxy picked it out.

Ain't nothing but woman under this uniform.

What the fuck you laughing at?

Not every death gets a candlelight vigil.

Most deaths,

they just got a sky full of stars.

That's not bad...

for a nobody like me.