Dates (2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Stephen & Mia - full transcript

Yeah. OK.
When did he start doing that?

'In A&E.'

Yeah, what colour?

'Sorry?'

What colour was the puke?

Colin, go back down to A&E,
find his puke and call me back.

- 'Find his...? Sorry?'
- Jesus, you know where A&E is?

'Yeah...'

Look, you really shouldn't be
calling me.

'Yeah, and what about...'

Thank you.



That's a pound a nut.

Hi.

Hi.

I wonder if you'd like to sit
somewhere more comfortable.

More comfortable?

Sorry.

It's just, we have a big conference
today and we need this area.

I'm meeting someone. It's important.

Oh, um... Let me get back to you.
Probably all right for half an hour.

Great.

Mia?

'No. It's Colin Farber.
From the hospital.'

I know who you are, unfortunately,
Colin.

'Yeah. Right. So the puke is green.'



So go and find Mr Khan.

'No, he's not on call.'

Neither am I, Colin.

So get Mr Khan to confirm
a bile leak.

He's a real doctor who actually,
unlike you, knows some stuff,

and you'll stand
an even-to-good chance

of not killing your patient
if you take his advice. OK?

'Oh. Hang on. No.
We've got the wrong puke.'

I think we're done here, Colin.
My office tomorrow, 8.30am,

and your retcher better still be
alive

or we'll be having a long chat.
Do you understand?

'Yeah, er...'

Fucking hell.

'Hi, you've got Mia.
Message or text me.'

You're late.

And... yeah.

Idiot!

Oh, what?

They'll be getting hot and heavy
over Brighton.

Yeah. I was with Kev
in the negotiation.

That's not a strategic partnership.

It's grooming!

Keep it in your pants, Kev.

Excuse me.

So sorry. Look, I was
kind of sitting here and...

That's my drink.
And that's my bag there.

Oh, sorry. We sort of need
this space. Is that OK?

Yeah, well, given that you're
a little inconsiderate, it's... OK.

Oh, wow. And you're a little rude
when you try.

I'm not really trying.

Give him his little sack, Martin.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Thanks. Didn't mean to be difficult.

But you are. So it's fine.

What an arsehole. What was he like?

He left his nuts.

I was just about giving up on you.

'Yeah. Got held up.'

So this hotel's ridiculous
and I've checked into the penthouse,

it's like this flagship
Ikea showroom.

'I'm not coming.'

Do I actually want to know why
you're not coming or...?

'I met someone.'

Right, right. So, since you called me
yesterday and told me

to drop everything and book into
a hotel, you've met someone.

'Don't always be an idiot, Stephen.'

I beg your pardon?

Is it someone special, by any chance?

'Yes.'

You are such a fuck-up.

Did you get moved?

Er, yeah.

They're local government officers.
Terrible tippers.

Bummer.

Let me get you something.

No. I'm going to go.
I just got stood up.

Really?

You're very sweet.

Thanks. It's on the conference.

Oh. Cheers.

Have an adventure. Why not?

Yeah. Why not?

Building Devolved
Enterprise will begin

in five minutes in the conference
room. Grab a drink...

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh.

Hello again.

Yeah. Hi. I didn't realise
you were here for this.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, don't worry, it's fine.

No. God, I'm so embarrassed.
You're Matthew Binney.

Um, Heidi Greenholm.
Northamptonshire Partnership.

Er, hi.

I'm so sorry I was prickly before.

No, really, really, don't worry.
It was a meeting of minds.

OK. Um, we've heard so much
about your, um, Argyll initiative.

Great. Great.

Yeah. You guys really
cut the crap up there.

Mmm. We try.

I read your blog, you know.
Your so-called mystery blog.

They would so can the arse of anyone
who pulled that in Northamptonshire.

There was a bit of a flair deficit
in Argyll.

Unlike Northampton, I'm sure.

There's no shortage of talent there.

Yeah. It's a hothouse.

So, er, what do you do?

Oh. Um, HR strategy.

Ah.

I specialise in firing
pervy headmasters.

Nice.

Yeah. There's a lot
of begging for mercy.

Of course. Oh. I'd like to see that.

Oh, erm, we've got
Building Devolved Enterprise now.

We should probably...

Will that be good?

No. It's a complete
pile of toss-cake, obviously.

Oh, dear.

But I had to come. You? What?

All the way from Argyll,
wherever the fuck that is.

Er, seeking strategic partnership.

There's a real shortage
of those in Scotland.

How do you usually go about that?

Adventurously.

Yeah. Well, I see
the sense in your thinking.

So, do you want
to get a proper drink?

We can totally check out
Local Authority Transition.

It's just that, um, I think it might
be a bit too exciting for me.

I'm not as young as I was.

Um... yeah.

Great. Great, great.
Well, um, downstairs.

Yeah. Follow me.

OK.

Are you sure
she said it was down here?

I think so.

Yeah, well,
I bet you've done this before.

- Fairly sure.
- Yeah, right. I don't know.
- It seems quiet.

Jesus. It's closed.

Great.

Wow.

We can sit over there.

OK.

It's nice.

My line manager will need another
six months off with stress

if she finds out I bunked off.

Well, there you go.
You're doing her a favour.

You're right. It's nice.

Stuff it.

Yeah.

Matthew. Hmm?

Do you mind me asking you
if you're married?

Not that I'm thinking of doing
anything other than, I don't know,

sit around, get a bit blasted, have
slightly edgy banter with you.

It's just that it is already feeling
a bit wrong on a number of counts.

Wrong?

Yeah, wrong. Because...

Well, I am actually married.

Ahh.

Yeah. And it's, er...

A bit wrong.

Yeah.

Sorry.
So, do you want to go back up?

Nah. We're all right for a bit.

I think we are. I-I'm not
going to jump you.

You promise?

Because I'm liking you so far,
but you wouldn't want to spoil it.

Not at all.

And it is fucking boring up there.

Right.

Oh God. Do you always think you
might...

Oh, it's so childish.

W-what?

Erm... the slight fantasy about,
erm...

a bit of a moment
at a conference.

Oh, no, it's a good one I find.

Well, maybe.
Are we having a moment now?

Relax.

It's... It's very peaceful here.

I'm not married.

Actually, I think I just got dumped.

Oh. When?

Recently.

Did you take it badly?

Well, I'm not taking
it as badly as I thought.

Funny.

Even though she, sort of,
totally fucked me over.

Oh, yeah, I get that. You can't mess
with the Scottish birds.

I'm sorry?

Er, I presume she's from the
Outer Hebrides or I don't know.

Oh, I see. No, no, no.
She's... No.

Well, I like it when good-looking
men get fucked over.

It's probably keeping you honest.

Well, not as much as it should be.

I'm separated...

We're trailing it.
Just a trial thing.

Is there any,
any particular reason?

I need to know he's not going to
bore me shitless for the next
however many decades...

Got it.

While we meander towards key
moments like deciding to have

kids of some description.
That's the big elephanty thing.

I see.

You do?

I'm just, just listening.

You're pretty good at it.

Well, it's in a rather tightly
focused group of things

I'm actually competent at.

Right. Well, I'll keep taking
advantage, if you don't mind.

We'll probably never
see each other again after all.

What happens in London,
stays in London.

Er, nothing's gonna happen.

I do love him.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I do.

Well, it's a start.

But...

Oh, you can't help wondering,
you know, is there someone,

or something else out there that you
just missed somehow.

So you subtly screw everything up

cos you're playing with
the idea that you could do better.

Is that what you're doing now?

I'm thinking you're a bit
more of a short-term fantasy.

Medium to long-term is not my forte.

Is that why she dumped you?

Probably.

She doesn't give much away.

I'm 40 years old.

It smells of disappointment.

Not for me, other people.

But, erm, hey,
I can still entertain.

Ah, there's life in the old dog.

I said 40.

Nah, you're into the wall.

I think you're running
out of road.

Well, not exactly running out
of road...

Yeah, your bell is tolling.

Cheers.

Yeah, cheers, mate.
It's tolling for you.

That hurts. The tolling bit.

So...

so when you go back
to your husband...

Who says I'm going back to him?

Right. No, OK. Sorry.
When you go back to your husband...

Fuck you, mister.

OK. Yeah.

Yeah. He's gotta shape up.

Let's drink to that.

No.

Bollocks.

We're doing it, right?

I'm having a fucking moment
and I'm enjoying it.

You like me. Right?

I do.

You'd screw me...

if you thought I'd let you,

but you're enough of a gentleman
not to push it.

Correct.

Reluctantly.

OK.

OK.

Yeah. I think I might tell him.

What?
That you met a really good listener?

That I met someone who wanted to
fuck me senseless.

Well, I'm not sure I quite
qualify.

Leave it.

This is my moment.

I want him to pay attention,
that's all.

I could so spend an afternoon just
talking, laughing, fucking...

I do have the penthouse.

Huh?

Nothing.

I think I'd like to
go for a swim now.

Really?

Yeah.

It's looks all right.

I'm going in.

Heidi?

Yeah?

Nothing. It's just that...

It's rude to stare.

OK. I'm just thinking...
you've had a fair amount of wine...

I swim two miles every morning.
What are you? My GP?

Hey, mate, leave it.

Come on, Matthew.

Forget the silly cow for half an
hour. Let's play it out.

Yeah!

Whoo!

♪ Da-da-da-da
Da-da-da! ♪

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Yeah!

What's so funny?

Your face!

Whoo!

Oh, it's freezing!
There's no heating!

You great big pussy!

Oh, shit!

You know, really seriously now...

Shit!

That is so not on. You child!

It's cold, it's so cold.

Are you OK? Are you all right?
Do you want me to keep you warm?

Yes, please.
Yes, please. Thank you very much.

I'm not warm enough.
I'm not warm enough.

Leave it.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.
I've just got to check.

'Mr Kelly? Stephen?!
Mr Kelly?!'

Yes. Colin, why are you calling?

'He's really septic. His BP's
dropping. I don't know what to do.'

Slow down.

'He's not breathing. The puke guy,
he's stopped breathing.'

Christ. OK.

'I just went to get a cup of tea...'

Yeah, whatever. Is he hypotensive?

'Yes. Yeah, he is.'

Where's the ITU Registrar, Colin?

'I don't know. I'm on my own.
I can't find Mr Khan.'

Calm down. Colin,
you need to call the crash team.

You need to call the crash team,
call the crash team now.

'OK. What now?'

Jesus Christ! Chest compressions,
Colin. Compressions.

'Yes.'

What? Are you counting?
Ten seconds and they're there.

Just keep compressing.

'OK, I have a pulse.'

Yeah? Good. OK. You did OK, Colin.
Yep, you did OK.

Keep going, keep it there. You're on
it now. You're on it now. Well done.

'Thank you. Thank you, Stephen.'

That's very, very bad.

It's possibly...
not, not so awful.

Oh, it really is.

So, who are you?

Uh, well...

I'm a doctor. Obviously.

So, interesting work is it?

It's not too bad.
I don't have much time to...

That is for being
a deceitful little weasel.

Right.

Would saying sorry help?

Not really.

I just... fell into it.

Well, that's your problem.
You just play.

It's why she dumped you
cos you're just playing.

You think?

Oh, yeah.

It all makes you
feel like a bit of a tosser.

Medium to long-term.

What's your name?

Stephen.

Stephen Kelly.

I like to know names.

I pretty much know everyone
who's kissed me.

Would you like my card?

Bye.

Bye.

Good kisser. You can
add that to your list.

Thanks.

You're hot.

I know.

Hi.

Hi.

How was it?

Yeah.

Yeah. Not too bad.

Good. Feel better?

I'll live.

How hard can it be to just meet
a nice, normal guy?

What is so wrong with me?