Damned (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

'Hello. What's the recommended
alcohol allowance

'for a 12-year-old?'

'I don't think you understand.
She's got a zombie knife.

'We're trapped in the staffroom.'

'My boyfriend says he'll hurt me

'because I won't do anal,
like it is in porn.'

It wasn't blocked when I left
the house, OK?

So you must have...

Help!

I got to go. I'm at work.

Morning, Al.



Morning, Martin.
Diary, please. Diary.

And what a beautiful morning
it is too. Yeah.

I woke up, looked out the window
and I thought,

"You don't get many of
those to the pound." Headset.

Headset. Have you changed the door
code again, Martin?

Yes, I was a little worried
about security.

That's very thoughtful,

but we do need to let the people in
who actually work here. Hmm. Desk.

Desk, yes. Just... Yes, desk,
all yours, sir. Thank you.

BANGING ON DOOR

PHONE RINGS

Oh, Caitlin. Morning!
There's a plunger under the sink.

Look, I'll do it when I get home.
OK?

Al!



We need to sort the door code,

and that breaches many
multiple protocols.

It's either "many" or "multiple",
not both.

Just answer the phone, Nitin.

I am on a call. Yeah, to your
girlfriend, Al, so sort that out.

Yeah. Just shut the lid,
spray some Febreze around.

I'll sort it out later.
Yeah, I love you too.

Nitin, answer the phone!

Where's the temp? We were promised
a temp. Ta-da! It's me again.

Yeah, thought. Al, it's Nat,
the temp from last year.

No, not temp now.
We're not called temps any more.

We're called interim workers,
like sex workers,

but without the intercourse.

Good. Good to know. So, homies,
what's all the bantz?

Sorry, what?
The Gossip Goblin is back.

Oh, well, Nitin is still here and
he's still irritating. Who? Nitin.

BANGING ON DOOR

Oh, hang on, you're the one who
wears drip-dry trousers.

Morning. You're late,
Rose Denby. Shit, sorry.

PHONE RINGS

Ta-da! It's me again.
It's her again.

Are you the one that couldn't figure
out the phone system?

I don't think so.

Could you answer the phone,
then, please? Yes.

Hello, Children's...

'I want to speak to
a social worker...'

..something.

'It's not fair on the kids...'
Yeah, I got it.

Kids in care of grandmother.
Hungry and dirty.

Sure they're not calling
about your kids?

Yeah, I got that too.

'Right, thank you.' Thanks. Bye.

Can I go back to bed now?

Britain First slagging off the
Muslims next door?

Refreshingly no,
but it's early days yet.

Have we got anything on
a Jones family. Jones?

You might have to marry the brief.

Rhona Jones? 65 Nelson Way?

I'll run a DSC,
database speed check.

How long since they kicked you out
the police force?

Do you still think you're
in The Wire?

FYI, I left the Met to retrain.
It didn't leave me.

Unlike all your girlfriends.

'Is that children's services,
is it? Yeah? Well...'

Excuse me. '..and look after my
kids while I'm on holiday, OK?'

BANGING ON DOOR

..You think they might be
unsupervised?

BANGING INTENSIFIES

Nitin! Get the door. I'm on a call.

So am I, Al,
and we don't accept walk-ins.

Yes, I know that and you know that,
but whoever is hammering

on the bloody door obviously
doesn't know that.

I am going to call you back
in five minutes.

Where's Nat?

HE WHEEZES

Calum,
how many times have I told you?

Stop doing the bloody
duct tape challenge.

OK, has anybody got an implement
of some sort. Here. Oh! Ingrid!

Are you OK? I'll be fine. I thought
you had an operation today.

That's tomorrow. By lunchtime,
I'll no longer be a woman.

Are you transitioning?

Hysterectomy.

CALUM MUMBLES

OK, Calum!
I wish you'd get off YouTube.

Cut it off him. Where? I don't know.
Here, or something.

It just keeps ringing and I've got
to type... It will keep ringing.

You just need to press the button
that I told you to press,

and then say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?"

It's very simple.
Then you connect to the person.

All the names,
I have written them for you. OK.

Al, Rose, Nitin. Al, Rose, Nitin.

No, just say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?"

Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?

Press the button with my name.
He's here, actually.

They want to talk to you now.
Connect it to me. Connect it.

I can't talk to them at the desk.

I'll put a headset on for privacy.
He's got to put a headset...

Just connect it! Sorry.
Just connect it to my name.

Disconnect it?

Not that it's any of my biswas,
Rose,

but Al's fiancee seems particularly
needy this morning.

Quorn IS vegan. Isn't it?

It is.

I think it serves him right for
punching above his weight.

I took the precaution of marrying
a man who was grateful

that a woman would have sex with
him for free.

Another espresso, Al? Yeah. Yeah.

Rose, why is Martin still here?
He's signed off sick. So?

50% of the workforce are always
off sick. He helps us out.

He shouldn't be here.
Where's he supposed to go?

I mean, it's not like there's
a luxury spa

for stressed social workers. Do HR
know that he's still coming in?

What are you complaining about?
You just ordered a cappuccino.

No, I didn't, Rose. Was it a latte?

Sorry to interrupt the
coffee morning.

Nite-in, could I see you in my
office, please? Yes, Denise. Ma'am.

Nite-in, I'm not actually the
Queen, but if you insist,

it's "ma'am" as in "ham".

Right you are, ma'am.

And it's Nitin, not Nite-in.

Don't take the piss.

What are you doing tonight, Rose?

Are you having a night out
or a Nite-in?

A Nite-in, I thought. You?

Yeah, OK, that's borderline racist

so I might just tell your superior
during our meeting.

Are you a little bit nervous?

Ooh, what's the
headmistress going to do?

Is she going to give you
a spanky-spanky? Ssh!

I need to go to the toilet.

Can you tell her if she comes
out looking for me, please?

Hi. Hiya. We can really let anyone
in without permission.

I was going to call,

but some idiot kept cocking it up
and putting me on to Elderly Care.

Is Al here? Al? Remind me.

He's got twinkly eyes
and a sort of lovely smile?

Hello, anyone called
Al in this office? Apart from me(?)

Hiya. Twinkly eyes, lovely smile?

How are you? I'm fine.
And you're back here because...

I was passing through the area.
Really?

Now, I'm going to take this
in the meeting room.

In future, only authorised personnel
in the inner office.

HE EXHALES

Oh, it should be computerised.
Jones, Jones...

Oh, Jesus!

I'm looking for anything to do
with Rhona Jones.

I'm convinced we had
dealings way back.

It's really starting to bug me.

She wasn't that chemistry teacher

who was getting the kids to
make LSD, was she?

No, that was Mona. Oh!
And it was ecstasy.

Well, at least it felt more like
ecstasy to me.

Rose? Martin, last time I had
Class A, I ended up married to Lee.

Come.

Sit down.

I am tasked with creating
streamlined cluster teams.

Ideally, I'd ask your superior,
Ingrid, to do this

but, as we all know, she's having
a procedure, thank Christ.

I couldn't stand another day of
the mooncalf face

and hysterectomy stoop. Got it.

Martin, you look extremely hot.

Thank you.

Oh...

No, I had to... I ran up the stairs
because the toilet...

Poor timekeepers, clients on lists
of cases that are closed,

slow responses will not be
tolerated. Music to my ears.

Observe your colleagues and
write me a report.

Who's value for money and,
more crucially, who isn't.

And don't let personal allegiances
and friendships get in the way.

Trust me, I won't. I don't have any.

Anne-Marie, we closed your case
months ago. Why are you here?

Is Charlie OK? Oh,
he's not called Charlie any more.

I thought it might have negative
associations when he's older.

So, what's he called, then? Al.

Oh, I didn't name him after you.

Short for...Little Alfie.

Is there anything specific that
you wanted? Oh, yeah.

I... Al Jr, he wanted to invite you
to his birthday party.

Anne-Marie, I was your social
worker. I'm not his father.

Oh, no, no, no.
He doesn't think you are.

PHONE RINGS

You see him twice as much as
he sees his real father.

Sorry.
It'd break his heart if you don't.

Take the call, walk away,
don't mind me(!)

No, no, no, no, it's just a client.

It's an ex-client, actually.
It's nothing important.

Oh, fucking thanks. What?

You've been on my computer? Cait?

Look,
if this is about my search history,

I can completely explain that...

I haven't defriended you. I don't
know what you're talking about.

(I'm just going to go for a smoke.)

Cait? Cait!

Cait!

Someone must've hacked my account.

Look, I'll call you back.

Oh, shit.

That's been in there a couple of
weeks, actually. I wouldn't eat it.

Yum.

INGRID SIGHS

All right, Ing? Oh, yes, all good.

I'm just wondering what it's going
to be like, being womb-less.

Come along, Ingrid. It's not just
the lady-pipes that makes the woman.

It's personality.

Here she is,
the phantom of the fridge.

What the fuck are you doing here,
Lee?

And why are you dressed like
a children's TV presenter from 1986?

And a very good morning to you too,
Rosie.

I need to talk to you. Ouch!

Ow. Bollocks!

How did you even do this?

I guessed your password and I've
got an app.

You have to take this down. Have you
got an app for that? Oh, chill out.

Calm down. It hasn't been up that
long. I was just having a laugh.

It's not funny. OK?
I could lose my job.

My fiance thinks it's hilarious(!)

Fiancee? That old wagon?

You need someone who
really loves you.

She does love me. She's fiery, OK?
She comes from a fiery family.

Yeah, so do I. My brother's
doing 12 months for arson.

I'm joking, I'm joking.

He wasn't convicted.
They never found him.

I never know when you're being
serious or not.

Just get it off this, OK?

Get it off the Facebook,
get it out of the Cloud,

get it off of the world wide
whatever the fuck it is.

Make it go away.

Done. Really? Is that it? Yeah.

OK, thank you. You can't come round
here any more. What?

It's not a drop-in centre.
Your case is closed. OK?

You no longer meet the needs
thresholds.

But there's loads of things I still
need. What? Like car insurance.

You've got a car now? No, but only
cos I don't have any insurance.

Look...

You've been through hell, OK?

But you survived,
so you should be proud of yourself.

Oh...

All right, come on.

You promised you'd have them
for the weekend.

You can't let the kids down again.
Letting you down, more like.

What have you got planned that's
so important?

A night in, cuddling up to
a bottle of £6 Cava?

Look, I've got to go and help Mum,
OK?

A rat has gnawed through
her toilet pipe.

Euphemism? No. She is knee deep
in faecally constituted water.

She can't deal with it. Well, I've
been invited away from the weekend,

a house party in the Cotswolds.

Is that why you're dressed
like a knob?

No, it's just a different look. I've
changed. You've met someone,

and you've just come here
deliberately to rub my nose in it!

Rose, you are aware you've got a
management meeting in four minutes?

Hello, I am Rose's ex-husband.
We're not technically divorced yet.

Personal visit. You know the rules,
Rose. Fuck off, Nitin.

LIFT CHIMES
Thank you, everyone.

This is PC Harris,
and to my right is Cass,

our team psychologist.

So, if we're quorate,

Alastair, would you like to
bring us up-to-date, please?

Is that Alastair with an A or an I?

Both.

Aliastiair?

Just put Al.

Shouldn't we all have code numbers
instead?

It's simpler. I've got one already.

PC 237TA.

What does the TA stand for?

Total arsehole. No, actually.

TA indicates the borough.

We'll just use personal initials,
Natalie.

Where is RD? R who?

Rose Denby. She's dealing with
a very tricky client.

I thought it was her husband?

DOOR OPENS

I'm very sorry I'm late, I couldn't
find any info on this Jones family.

Though I trust you sorted the domestic
arrangements with your husband?

You know the rules on bringing
personal issues into the workplace.

We're having some very bad press on
this matter.

I'm very sorry, Denise.
Don't minute that, OK.

I'm still writing down
the badge number.

Sorry, can we move this along a bit?
I need to get away early.

Are you going anywhere nice?

Young offenders institution.

Attempted suicide. Alastair, can we
get that update, please,

on the family with sibling
sexual...?

Ma'am, should I sit in on this?

No. See me after.

Did you save me a biscuit?

He's got three chocolate fingers
under his helmet.

That's a clever trick.

Rose, let's hear your report
on the Barber twins -

that's if you've had any time
to do any work.

The Barber twins.

What did they do?

They attacked and racially abused a
vulnerable man

and stabbed and set fire
to a pensioner.

These teenage lads are animals.

They're ten-year-old girls.

PHONE RINGS

All phones should be off.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Turn it off now and your old lady
will know you dropped the call.

RINGING CONTINUES

PHONE BEEPS

Now, no pressure to buy any of these
products, Martin.

I just sell them for a mate.
It's a cheeky sideline.

But if you do find something you
like, you get a 15% discount.

Now, let's have a look
at that barnet.

Ah-hah. Ever heard of hair putty?

You know, I know all about
hair product, Nat.

Believe it or not,
this was once a choppy mullet.

I used to be a New Romantic.

And now you're an old romantic.

Well, not so much since the wife
passed away, but...

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Martin.

Oh, no.

I'm like a Titi monkey. Pardon?

We mate for life,

and I've got a big red bottom.

I'm joking. Oh.
PHONE RINGS

Do you want me to get that?
Oh, yes. Yes.

'Hello...'

Hello. Elm Heath
Children's Services.

'Hello, I need to speak to the
board trustee.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

Rhona Jones?

Rose Denby, social services.

May I come in, please?

I don't fucking believe it.

It took a little while
for the penny to drop,

but no wonder it rung a bell.

So you married him, eh?

Not content with shagging my
boyfriend behind my back.

He was gagging to get away from you.

You were my friend.

I had nothing. You had it all -

a flat, a job, a gorgeous bloke with
a motorbike.

Yeah, so while I was slogging
my guts out on earlies,

you were in my bed having sex
with him.

Oh, and I'd forgotten this.

You bastards chucked me out!

We gave you the motorbike.

You gave me chlamydia -
I didn't want the fucking motorbike!

It was worth a few grand.

Good, because I lobbed it
in the canal.

Anyway, you won in the end.
You got Andy.

HE INHALES

Hello, Rose.

Oh, my God.

MACHINE HISSES

PHONE RINGS
That much? Jesus. How much for six?

You can order roses cheap online.

Yeah, maybe when you're not at work.

It has not expired!

I just used it in Costcutter!

Bollocks!

PHONE BEEPS
Oh...

I could deliver some flowers to
Caitlin if you want?

In fact, they've got a two-for-one
offer at the service station

down the road. Yeah, yeah.

That will win her back(!)

A total stranger who looks like
he's stuck his face in a plug socket

rocks up on her doorstep with
a bunch of shitty carnations.

Perfect(!)

Sorry, sorry...

I'm really stressed.
Oh, that's all right, Al.

I know you're hurting.

But, by the way,
I wouldn't have taken carnations.

They smell of sadness and marzipan.

Why do blokes always think a bouquet
will sort all their crap out?

Yeah, I'm proud to say I've never
bought a woman flowers.

What am I supposed to do?

Caitlin won't even return my calls.

With pretty bloody good reason, Al.

That's you, isn't it?

Nan, I'm hungry!

All right, hang on a minute.

MACHINE HISSES

TV: 'Are you on e-mail?'

MACHINE HISSES

HISSING CONTINUES

Oi.

HE WHEEZES
So, this is a bit of a surprise.

I'll say. Last time I saw you,
you were balls deep in Rhona.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

You broke my heart, you bastard.

It took me ages to get over you.

HE COUGHS

Come and sit in the other room.
Come on, take your tablets.

HE GROANS

Have you heard of
the code of ethics?

Social workers must establish
appropriate boundaries and not abuse

their position for personal benefit,

financial gain or
sexual exploitation.

But... But? I'm looking forward to
seeing where your but's going.

But nothing happened!

I'm in a relationship with Caitlin -
why would I risk throwing that away?

You weren't thinking with your head,
you were thinking with your...

Please don't say cock.

We can't take the risk. We?

Me and Denise.

All right. Dob us in. Grass us up.

But please be aware that, "making
an audiovisual recording of

"a colleague without their written
permission is cause for

"serious disciplinary action."

Can I just...? I don't remember
that bit.

Have a Bourbon.

I don't want a Bourbon, Al.

Give my regards to Denise while
she's sucking you off.

MACHINE HISSES

Are you going to take the kids
away from us?

What's going on here?

Where's their mum? She's back in
rehab trying to get clean again.

She's a smackhead, Rose -

lies, cheats, steals from us.

We just couldn't cope any more.

What about the dad?

Overdosed a year ago. Wanker.

He was the one that got her into it.

You need some support.

Are the older children
even going to school?

Some days, but when Andy's bad,
I can't leave him.

He's really sick.

The problem is, if I plug this
into the system,

then it's out of my hands.

The kids could be taken into care.

You must be loving this.

Oh, yeah, obviously I really get
my kicks out of

taking innocent children away
from families(!)

I'll tell you what I'm going to do,
all right?

Is I'm going to try and source you
some alternative assistance, OK?

I don't need no more fucking
helplines and discussion groups.

I need someone to go to Lidl's.

These charities are good.

I want you to ring them
and talk to them, OK?

I'm leaving you these numbers.

If I come back on Monday and you
haven't contacted anyone,

I'm going to show no mercy.

These kids cannot carry on
living like this.

All right, now, this one here, OK?

Like, a mate of mine runs that,
all right?

And they offer practical help,
so make sure he contacts them, OK?

Thank you.

You didn't have to.
No, you're right there.

I nearly went next door, sat on his
face and put him out of his misery.

KEYPAD BEEPS
Are you all right?

You look like you've swallowed
a knacker's bumhole.

Cheers.
PHONE RINGS

What's the intel on
the Jones family?

Are they section 17?
Do we need to mobilise?

No, we just need to keep an eye out.

I'm keeping an eye out, Rose...

for your bullshit.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Nitin's on the warpath.

I think I managed to shut him down
with my superior knowledge of

the code of ethics rule book.

What? You mean you read that?

Of course not -
I just made some shit up.

PHONE BEEPS

KEYPAD BEEPS

What are you doing?
This way, come on.

Look, I'm sorry.

I did a bad thing,

but we really miss you.

Give Al the flowers.

Thank you, little fella.

Well, I'm going to give these to
your mummy,

because she deserves them.

When a man does something nice,
he normally wants something, baby.

I don't want anything,
I just want you to go away, OK?

In the nicest way possible.

I thought you cared.

Look, it's my job to provide
appropriate advice,

and support and resources.

It's not my job to...

It's not my job to care.

Oh...

I've had more interesting reports
from my daughter's primary school.

You have one week to come in here
and give me some proper dirt.

Right. Sorry.
I have to let people go,

and if you're not careful,
it's going to be you.

Now, piss off.

And Nitin, change your shirt -

it looks like a mouse has done
a shit in the pocket.

Oh, what?

See you tomorrow. So you managed to
persuade Lee to take the kids?

We compromised.

He's giving them tea at mine

and I said then he could go on his
posh-twats weekend.

Oh, it's not like you to compromise.

Thank you. Oh, I don't know,
maybe Lee's not so bad.

I've had worse boyfriends.

Shove them out, that's it.

Kids, Lee!

I'm home.

Just be a bit careful... Mum, Dad's
teaching us how to cook chips!

Oh, how brilliant! You need to get
back in the kitchen!

That's right, then.
Just flip them up on the tray.

Where is he? Move them around with
your hand, it doesn't matter.

They won't be too hot.

Hiya!

# People, they ain't no good

# I think that's well understood

# You can see it everywhere you look

♪ People just ain't no good... ♪