Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 10 - Fatwa! - full transcript

Larry has a scheduling conflict, takes issue with some work associates, and hosts a pair of ungrateful house guests. It's also the wedding day of Sammy (Jeff and Susie's daughter).

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

♪ Here I am, hiding out now in a hole ♪

♪ Barely eating, barely sleeping,
this shit's taking its toll ♪

♪ Fuck writing, I got
bigger fish to fry now ♪

♪ I know I'll die now, I need a plan ♪

♪ I do not like this man ♪

♪ Tarnishing the scripture,
how he mocks me ♪

♪ All this blasphemy and vanity,
carnality exhausts me ♪

♪ It'll cost me my respect in Iran ♪

♪ And so it's time for him to
die, I do not like this man ♪

♪ Come on, don't be silly,
it was just a book ♪

♪ Don't look weak now,
can't let him off the hook ♪

♪ What a coward, God knows that ♪

♪ I do not like this man ♪

♪ What am I gonna do? ♪

♪ His death sentence is the
worst friggin' book review ♪

♪ His book's like a sickness,
it won't quit ya ♪

♪ Talkin' trash about the
scripture, not a pretty picture ♪

♪ All I wanted was to win
the Booker Prize, guys ♪

♪ Not have him slit my throat
and gouge out my eyes, my, my ♪

I can't allow this desecration ♪

♪ This irritation, indignation ♪

- ♪ Not while I lead this nation ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪

- ♪ It's official ♪
- ♪ Don't try to call our bluff ♪

- ♪ Deference, as if ♪
- ♪ Writing's not hard enough ♪

♪ Heathen, tyrant, traitor, violent ♪

God knows that I do not like this man

♪ Haven't you caught him yet? ♪

♪ Stop asking me already, I'm trying ♪

♪ Please just express regret ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, like I haven't
thought of that, come on ♪

- ♪ Just go cut off his head ♪
- ♪ Ah ♪

♪ Just hide under the bed ♪

I do not like this

♪ He doesn't like this ♪

♪ I cannot like this ♪

♪ He'll never like this ♪

♪ I do not like this man ♪

♪ Enemies forever! ♪

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Man: Terrific! Terrific! Thank you.

What a wonderful day
of rehearsal, gang.

Thanks so much. That was great.

I like these men.

- Really great job.
- Fantastic.

- My best work.
- Wow.

How about Susan Stroman? I mean... huh?

She's the best.

11:30 call tomorrow.

We're gonna start with the new
choreography for "Fatwa Sex."

- I gotta talk to Lin.
- All right.

Quick question for you. Cody wants
to know which poster you like more.

- Um... I think this one.
- Cool.

- Murray.
- Hey.

- That was unbelievable!
- Oh, thanks.

- So great.
- Felt good.

- Loved it.
- Thanks.

I got one little, tiny note for you.

- Yeah?
- It's a small, small note.

I noticed that you're
denunciating with your fist.

And the ayatollah,
actually, he denunciates

with his... with his index finger.

- He kind of uses it like a... like a sledgehammer.
- Yeah?

- That feels good.
- You like that?

- I think it's terrific.
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Yeah. And...

- I really like your shoes.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Thank you!

Can we go over the choreo for
"Fatwa Sex" before we go onstage?

Yeah, why don't you come in at 10:45?

We'll have the dance captain come.

- Ach!
- Are you happy?

- Am I happy?
- Aren't they incredible?

- It's crazy! This is insane!
- It's gonna be amazing.

I can't believe how excited I am!

I've only been excited
twice in my life.

- Unsnapping my first bra.

And this! This is like my second bra!

Oh, well, fantastic.

If this guy ever asks you
to go in the weeds,

get in the weeds!

- Is that fishing?
- No, no, no.

- That's work. That's work, yeah.
- Yeah. It's the work.

- As I was watching it...
- Yeah?

...I'm thinking that old opening

would work great now.

- What?
- ♪ There's a fatwa, there's a fatwa ♪

♪ Gotta run, I think I oughta... ♪

Oh, I totally blocked that out.

You know, just sitting there,

you can just feel
how well that could work.

You know what we do?

Cast album bonus track
just for the fans.

Give them the bonus now.
Why have a bonus then?

It's not a bonus if it's already here.

Cody, what'd you think of that?

My toe started tapping. I mean...

- Yeah.
- ♪ Gonna get shot-a. ♪

- It's catchy.
- Yeah. It's catchy!

But I think this opening number

sets up the thing you love so much.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I gotta go to wardrobe and get changed.
Walk with me?

Yeah. I wanna talk to
you about something.

Great. Thanks, Cody.

But honestly,
you should reconsider this.

Look, watch. Just watch this.

One second. I'm running, okay?
You're running.

♪ There's a fatwa, there's a fatwa,
gotta run, I think I oughta ♪

♪ Gotta hide, I think I've gotta ♪

♪ Gonna get scared, gonna get
shot-a, want my mama... ♪

And everybody's yelling
from the windows.

That's your talk show bit.

You do that on "Late Night" and say,

"This is what turned into the amazing
musical number we actually did."

It's gonna be great.

Hey, Cody, what'd you think of that?

I... I would attend a workshop of it.

- It's a workshop.
- Hey.

- So, first preview's in a week.
- Yeah.

I'm thinking it would be a good idea

to do something for the cast and crew.

Something fun, you know.
Maybe like paintball?

Well, that's a great idea!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, absolutely.

"Lion King" used to
do that all the time.

- Oh, terrific!
- Yeah, it might be fun.

Great, we'll do it this weekend.

You know, I'll pay for it.

Great, I'll spread the
word with the cast.

- Hi, Greg.
- Hi.

So, I think this is not the tweed
that we really want. I just...

What is it about it that's
not working for you?

It's not quite professorial enough.
Do you agree?

- I... I like it.
- You like it?

- Yeah, I think it looks good.
- I'd like to see options, then.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

These are all the vests I pulled.

Oh, I wanted to ask you,

my cousin Valentina and her husband,

their Airbnb fell through.

They're coming in to see
the first preview.

I was wondering if they
could maybe stay with you.

Hmm... no hotel?

They're... they're
a really interesting couple.

Hotels are not their thing.

But aren't you renting a house?

Yeah, but me and V
only have one bedroom.

There's really not room,

and you've got that great big house.

Is that okay? Is that... it's cool?

Yeah, sure. What the hell.

All right. Thank you.

Wonder if there's anything else

we need to do before tomorrow.

- Something wrong?
- I...

I just did you a very nice favor.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

and that "thank you" was...

it was like I passed you the ketchup.

Yeah, no, no.

It was not commensurate
with the gesture.

Oh, I... I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Um, what else do you have?

You've seen the choices.

- Um...
- All right, I'm... I'm...

- I'm gonna head back. I'll see you later.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Thanks again.
- Yeah.

What do we think?
Yeah, it's a little boxy.

Where's Funkhouser? Where is he?

- He's always late, this guy.
- I know. So rude.

I say next time, we tell him
a half hour earlier.

- You know what, let's just sit down.
- All right.

We'll have some appetizers,
maybe even order dinner.

- Who cares? Yeah.
- Who cares?

- Hi. Um...
- Hi.

David. Reservation.

Ah! Yes. Party of four.

Are you all here?

No, we have three.

Well, I'm sorry.

We can't seat you until
your entire party arrives.

- Why?
- It's our policy.

We don't seat incomplete parties.

What's the point of the policy?
We have three people.

It's the same table.
What's the difference?

The chef really likes
everyone to sit together

so they can order together and he can
deliver the food at the same time.

Oh, the chef likes
everyone to sit together.

- Yes.
- Isn't that nice?

It makes for the optimal
dining experience.

Okay, you know what the
optimal dining experience is?

To eat when you're hungry, okay?

- I understand.
- That's the optimal dining experience.

I'm sorry. That's our policy.

We do not sit incomplete parties.

- Yeah.
- No, this is bullshit.

- I know.
- Guess we'll wait.

Hey, I got that paintball
thing secured.

Oh, good for you. That'll be fun.

- They're gonna love it.
- What? What is it?

I'm taking the cast and crew
to do, like, a paintball day.

- You know paintball?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fun.

- They shoot paint instead of bullets.
- It's a good bonding.

Yeah, we're gonna do it on Saturday.

- Sat... wait. This Saturday?
- Yeah.

It's Sammi's wedding this Saturday.

I thought it was the week after.

Oh, God, I sent you the save-the-date,

I sent you the invitation,

you never fucking wrote it down?!

- You sent me too many things!
- Don't make it my fault now!

You know what, I'll work it out.
I can do both.

You're making a speech.
You promised Sammi.

All right, I'll work it out.
I'll work it out.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little cranky...

- I'm hungry.
- Me, too.

No, but I'm hungry.

- Yeah, I hear you.
- Yeah. Shall we leave?

We don't have a reservation.
You can't get in anywhere.

It's crazy. You know how I get.

The blood sugar, up
and down, up and down.

Jeff: I know how you get.

Okay, I'm gonna take care of this.

- Stay right here.
- All right.

The food here is great and you know it.

I do.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Are you alone by any chance?

- Perhaps.
- Please do not misconstrue this.

This is not a pickup
in any way, shape, or form.

- Okay.
- I don't pick up; I put down.

- Okay.
- Now, the situation is thus:

this restaurant
has an idiotic policy...

Okay, let's go.

We have four.

- Four?
- Yes, four.


Table six, please.

- Thanks for joining.
- Of course. I'm hap... happy to be here.

- So what do you do?
- I'm an actress.

- Oh.
- You know, I just figured at 36,

if there's any profession
that you can do

later in life as a woman, it's acting.

Have we seen you in anything?

No, but I'm doing
some plus-size modeling.

- Really?
- And then I do stand-in work.

Okay, she stands in for the star.

- For the camera.
- For the camera.

Right, yeah, I understand.

I'm sorry.

You were the guy with the, uh...

you have the fatwa on you, right?

Yeah, that's-a-me.

What are you doing out?
Aren't you kind of scared?

They called it off.

- So it's over.
- Yeah, but I was out anyway.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he did. He was brave.

Can I give you a business card?

Sorry, 'cause I'm just realizing
now you're that writer.


I've never done comedy, but
it doesn't seem that hard.

- Hmm.
- Here you go.

- Ah. Marie Deschamps?
- Mmm.

- What are you, French?
- No, it's actually my stage name.

Johnson's my real last name.

- Is Marie your real first name?
- No. Jenny.

All right, well, I'll put
your card in my pocket.

I will never call you, but
I'll put it in my pocket.

And I'm very glad that
that fatwa got cleared up.

- Thank you.
- Does it ever occur to you

that maybe this fatwa thing
is not as over as you think?

You know how the Japanese soldiers,

they'd find them on, like, an island,

and they wouldn't know the war's
been over for a long time?

Maybe someone is so off the grid

that they have no idea
the fatwa's over.

Maybe someone is so stupid

that they say things
they shouldn't be saying.

- Maybe.
- Hello!

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hello. Marie.

Oh, is this a replacement for Bridget?

I recruited her from the bar.

- She's a stand-in for you.
- Oh, great.

We gotta get you a chair.
Where's the waiter?

Yeah. You know what?

You need to go now.

- What?
- Yeah.

You stood in.
Now it's time to stand up.

But, hey, very good job.
Good stand-in job.

- Really?
- But first team has arrived, so...

And listen, Larry,
if you ever need an actor,

you call me, okay?

You never know.

Okay, I'm expecting the call.

Okay... well, I wouldn't go that far.

- Well, hello there.
- That was interesting.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

You know, it's customary
when someone is 20 minutes late

to offer an apology to their friends.

- Am I right?
- That's absolutely correct.

- That's accurate?
- Yes.


What? That's a "sorry"?

Don't insult us with that.

If you're more than ten minutes late,

it's gotta be a profuse apology.

That was an apology
like you were one minute late.

- Am I right?
- He's right.

And frankly, your "sorry" was not
commensurate with the offense.

Can I get a drink?

If I was 20 minutes late,

I'd be apologizing like I
accidentally killed your family.

- Guess what.
- Yeah?

You did accidentally kill my family.

My nephew, the joy of my life,

was killed by the bulls,
and it was your fault!



Bottle of wine, anybody?

- Yes! Good idea.
- Yeah.

- Red or white?
- Love red.

So what's happening?

I had a colonoscopy.
Clean as a whistle.

- Hey!
- Hey, good morning, Larry.

Good morning.

Hey, L.D. Thanks for paintball.

Oh, y-you're very welcome.
You're very welcome.

Hey, that was so sweet of you.

- Oh. It was nothing.
- Thank you. Really.

- Nothing.
- It's gonna be fun.

- See you inside.
- Okay.

You know what, get me the salmon...

- get me the salmon with the salad.
- Cool.

Thanks for the paintball, L.D.

You are very, very welcome.

Speaking of the paintball,
that is so nice.

The crew is freaking out.

Oh, I'm happy to do it.

I love paintball
and I am sorry I can't go.

I have a gig booked.

Shooting a commercial

for this feline distemper medication.

I have my shots, so I know
how to deal with the cats.

Mm, ah. What a shame.

How do you have an event like
this without Cody Gutcher?

- I know.
- Huh?

What are they paying you
for this thing, may I ask?

It's my day rate. 1,200.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna take care of that for you.

I'll give you the 1,200.

Tell them you can't make it.
You're going to paintball.

- Oh, my God, Larry!
- Huh?

Thank you!

We couldn't do it without
you, Cody Gutcher.

- You gotta be there.
- Thank you so much. You are a prince.

You're welcome,
and let me just say this...

that is a fantastic "thank you."

That was a "thank you"
commensurate with the gesture.

And it's worth it for that "thank you."

- What do you think about that?
- We're gonna have a blast.

I love that "thank you." Love it.

My pleasure.


- Hey, Murray.
- Ah, Larry.

Oh, listen, about the,
uh... the harem scene.

There's too many redheads.

- Six?
- Yeah.

What do you think? Four?

Yeah, you're right.

I think four. Four is better.

Thanks, thanks.

Oh, same pants as yesterday.

What, are you tracking my outfits?

No, no, just... observing, that's all.

You know, I was late and they had
the belt in them from yesterday,

so I picked them up
'cause I was in a hurry.

They're not dirty or anything.

Then by all means, wear them again.

You're an outfit tracker, Murray.

Nobody likes an outfit tracker.

I don't know why a casual observation

has made you so uncomfortable.

I just feel like I'm living in some
kind of clothing police state,

like it's 1984.

Big Murray's watching me.

Big Murray's not watching you.

No, Big Murray is watching.

Big Murray has other things to do.

Apparently, Big Murray has nothing
else to do but outfit track.

I'm not judging you,

I'm just noticing that
you wore the same pants.

Okay, Big Murray.

- Robes, robes, robes...
- Hey, L.D., psyched about the paintball.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, my pleasure! Of course!

You are the kindest. Thank you so much.

Oh, you're so welcome!

- Hey.
- What's up?

I have great news. We got a signer.

For... for deaf people?

Yeah, yeah, for deaf people.

And anyone who enjoys ASL.

I mean, she's basically on the side

and she signs
throughout the performance.

- It's awesome.
- Do deaf people go to musicals?

- Yeah.
- Why don't we just have

one performance a month
for all deaf people?

And we don't have to be
distracted by a signer onstage.

You want to segregate the deaf?

No, I don't want to segregate them.

Yeah, separate, but equal.

Special, but equal.

She's gonna be incredible. You'll see.

It's really inclusive.
Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you like this robe?

I... yeah, it's nice. I like it.

That's what I thought.
We need to see more robes.

You're gonna have to go shopping again.

Thank you.

Okay, you're driving
this poor guy nuts, okay?

- That's the gig.
- He's gonna quit.

No, he's gonna get
in the weeds with us.

He's gonna emerge
with the perfect robe.

Okay, well, I'm telling you,

he's one foot out the door right now.

Well, as long as he's one foot out
the door finding the right robe,

I don't give a fuck.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- Lin! Hi!
- Oh, my God, you made it!

So good to see you.

Hi, Ernst. Great to see you.
How are you?

Larry, this is my cousin
Valentina and her husband Ernst.

Hey, nice to meet you.

- Valentina? Hi.
- Hi. Yeah.

- Hello.
- Hello. Hi.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you as well.

So, is this the wardrobe area?
Tell me about this place.

Yes, this is the wardrobe area. This is
where all the costumes in the show are.

And we're just getting
everything, uh...

I'm Gregory Michael David.
I'm the costume designer.

- Hi. Valentina.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- This is your fiefdom.
- Yes, yes!

This is the workshop, so, yeah,
feel free to look around.

Yeah, just seems like fun to have
people try on your creations.

Yes. If you wanna try
anything on, please let me know.

Yes. Do you have things in turquoise?

- I could pull some stuff for you, yeah.
- I would love that.

He seems very competent.

Yeah. We're a robe away,
but he's doing great.

I get it.

How long you two been married?

- Um... a few years.
- Yeah.


- Mmm, no.
- No.

- We're not gonna have kids.
- No. Cats.

- Why don't you guys go upstairs...
- Okay.

...and I'll give you guys a
tour as soon as I get upstairs.

They've got the directions
to your place.

Yeah, yeah, just go over
anytime, make yourself at home,

and stay as long as you like, actually.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

All right. I see where you got
your tepid "thank yous" from.

That was worse than your "thank you."

That seemed like a perfectly
appropriate "thank you" to me.

- Oh, did it? Really?
- Yeah.

What is it with you Mirandas?

You're missing some kind of...

"thank you" gene or something.

I think we all said it.

Yeah. Okay.

- Okay, I'll see you upstairs.
- See you upstairs.

Yeah. Let's find a Dumpster
for this bullshit.

Hey, those are from
a rental house, Lin.

Okay, everybody, we're at places,
please, for "Salman, Get Out."

Full tech and music

- Is our signer here?
- Yes, right here.

Come on up here, please.

We have a place for you.

That spike mark, downstage left.

Places for the top!

All right.

Good morning!
Hello, darling.

And breakfast for our guest.

No granola?

Ah, no. I...

You should be grateful.

Hey, uh, Salman, hey,
you should be grateful.

I'm grateful.
I'm just a little tired of muesli,

- You can be grateful and tired of muesli.
- Hey.

- Salman, we have to talk.
- What do you want to talk about?

- We took you into our home.
- (music begins)

You wouldn't have made it on your own.

But now it's time for you to go.

I have to say I'm a little thrown.

- You're a slob.
- You're a pig.

- You're a lazy lout.
- So what are you saying?

♪ Salman, get out! ♪

♪ I'm a great guest,
you hardly know I'm there ♪

♪ You walk around in
a robe with no underwear ♪

♪ If you make me leave,
I'll be dead, no doubt ♪

♪ Ugh! Close your legs ♪

♪ And, Salman, get out ♪

And stay out!

- Don't come back!
- Lose my number!

Go stay with the ayatollah!

♪ Salman, Salman ♪

♪ Salman, Salman, Salman,
Salman, Salman ♪

♪ Salman, get out! ♪

Okay, great!

Great work, everybody.

It was good. Too bad you missed it.

- Oh, no, I... I saw it.
- Yeah.

Lin: Thank you, Cody.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, guys.

- Tina, you're a star. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey, Larry, can I talk
to you for a sec?

I feel like...

I feel like the number's not working.

- Oh. You know why it's not working?
- Why?

Cause everybody's looking
at her tits, that's why.


Bill didn't see ten
seconds of that number.

He was staring at her the whole time,

as was every other guy in the audience.

It's just the reasons he's
getting kicked out of the house

are so fuckin' petty.

No, I completely disagree with you.

Look, he's a terrible houseguest.

His life depends on his
being a good houseguest.

He's a pig! He doesn't do the dishes!

That's funny!

Maybe we just need different reasons.

Okay, I'll come up
with some other reasons.

- How's that?
- Okay.

- It's not gonna work anyway.
- Why not?

Because men will look
at tits over anything.

You could be in the last
inning of the World Series,

a 3-2 score, bases loaded,

somebody changes the channel
and there's tits on,

they will not go back
to the World Series.

We're on the verge
of making a great musical,

and you're scapegoating tits?

- It's the scene.
- No, it's the tits!

- It's the scene.
- Tits!

- Scene! Scene! Scene!
- Tits! Tits! Tits!

Scene, and she stays.


All right, insufficient "sorry."

Terrible, awful, horrible "sorry."

Apparently, the Miranda "sorrys"

are just as bad as their "thank yous."

You heard me... 1,200.

1,200 fuckin' dollars
to skip a day on his real job

to come with you guys paintballing?

- You're a good guy.
- Thank you.

- I respect you for that.
- People don't think I'm a nice guy.

Basically, you're paying
this motherfucker

to shoot people with
a goddamn paint gun.


You know what I just realized?

- Mm-hmm?
- I gave this guy 1,200,

but he wasn't gonna make 1,200.

- That's his gross.
- Mmm!

They're gonna deduct taxes
from what he's getting.

He'd only wind up with 700 or 750.

The guy just made $500 off me.

You fucked up.

See, when you give somebody money,

you gotta add that
shit up in your brain.

You FICA. You take the
fuckin' difference out!

- You FICA!
- I'm not FICA!

- You "FIC'd" up.

He just made money on you!

Ah. Hello.

Ernest, Valentina.

- Hi.
- Hello, Larry.

Please, come in.

Yeah. Well, this is it.

Looks great.

Oh, man.

Oh, this is Leon.

He lives in my guesthouse.

- Hello, Leon.
- I like that look.

- Yeah, I like that jacket.
- Thank you very much.

My mother gave it to me.

- Your mother gave you the jacket?
- Yes.

It was hers.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

They make that bag for men?

Yes, this bag is made for men, women,

anybody who enjoys
carrying things around.

- You two are married?
- Yeah. Yes.

So you got on one knee and
asked her to marry you?

No, no, no.

It was during the
intermission of "Swan Lake."

I just looked to her and said,
"Will you marry me?"

Okay, that's a ballet, all right?
You got it?

- Last one.
- No, no! No last one.

Did you get on top of her
on the honeymoon night?

Shut the fuck up. Get out of here.

I'm just asking questions.

Don't ask any more questions, okay?
Shut up.

Um, you guys interested
in a house tour?

- S-Sure.
- Okay.

Will you be joining us, Leon?



Is that good?

Dining room, kitchen's that way.

By the way, make yourself at home.

You know, feel free
to use the refrigerator.

You've got refrigerator privileges.
How's that?

- Cool.
- Thank you.

Before I forget,
this little gadget, okay?

Watch this.

You want the curtains down,
you press that button,

now you stop it, and now they go up.

Isn't that great? I love this thing.

Love it.

I don't see why I would ever need that.

No, no! Look, look! See?

Here, look.


You're showing us the same function?

Yeah, I guess.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Um... oh.

Bedrooms are upstairs,

and, uh, there are
two guest rooms if you'd like.


Why would we need two bedrooms?

No, no... no reason. Uh...

No reason?

We are husband and wife.

We sleep in one bedroom.

No, but I know a lot of people
who sleep in separate bedrooms.

Couples. Yeah.

- Really? Like who?
- Mmm.

You want names?
Okay, I'll give you names.

Um, Pete Rose, Tony Perez,

Johnny Bench, uh, George Foster,

Dave Concepción.

You... you've named
six old baseball players

who are married but sleep
in separate bedrooms?


Even the Hit King?

Yeah. Hit King especially.

Well, we sleep in a bedroom together.

- Yeah.
- You know what, um...

Let's forget about it.
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, was that an apology?

No good?

There wasn't really any emotion to it.

Yeah. Your eyes were bouncing
around like a cat with strings.


Well, I'm really sorry
if my apology was...

was not sufficient.

You've just apologized
for your apology?

- Yes!
- That was better than the first apology.

Why don't you just use that apology?

You know what, Larry,
we're gonna go upstairs

to, uh, the one guest bedroom.

Perfectly acceptable.

You got yourself
in some shit this time.

They're a couple of freaks, man.

Could you believe this kitchen?

- And you know what a great cook I am.
- Yeah.

The meals I make here... right, Jeff?


It must have cost millions
upon millions of dollars.

Well, it's big, but it's intimate.

We sit by the fire.

- It's cozy, it's warm.
- Cozy?

This is cozy?

This is the best party house.
Right, Jeff?


So, did you figure
it out about Saturday?

Yeah, yeah, I got the
whole thing figured out.

I'm gonna go to paintball, then
I'm gonna go to the wedding.

Because Sammi, when I mentioned
that you had some problems

and conflict, you should have
seen the look on her face.

Susie, let me tell you something, okay?

I've known Sammi since she was born.

And one of the great joys
in my life has...

has been watching her blossom into this
beautiful, sophisticated young lady.


I won't miss her wedding. No way.

Oh, Lar, that's so sweet.
Are you serious?

- No.
- All right, just fuckin' be there, okay?

- Okay.
- Don't disappoint me.

- No, I won't.
- So, uh...

Victor's parents are coming
tonight, Lisa and Paul.

And they're deaf, you know.

Oh. What is that, mold?

It's not fucking mold!
It's cheese!

- Cheese? Look at it.
- It's cheese.

- Oh, there's the Chesnicks.

Wait till you meet them.

They are just such sweet people.

By the way, this house... oh, my God.

It's wrong.

Yeah. Unbelievable how
life works, isn't it?

Just to get laid. I'm an idiot.

- Oh.
- All right.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Jeff: Oh, hi!

- How you doing, Victor?
- I'm good, man.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Hey, I want to introduce
my mom and my dad,

Lisa and Paul.

How do you do? Hello.

Hi. Larry. Larry.


Rhymes with "Harry."

- Hi, babe.
- What's going on?

- Ask them how they met.
- Yeah.

How did you two meet?

Were you fixed up because you're deaf?

Ugh, stupid fucking question.

No, I'm not asking them that.

- I think it's a good question.
- It's a good question.

I'd be curious, too. I never asked it.

Ah. Bathroom? Around that way.

Yeah, there.

I'm hungry.

- Yeah?
- Hungry. Let's eat.

- No. We can't eat yet.
- Why?

- Everybody's not here.
- Who are we waiting for?

- Funkhouser.
- Who else?

What? Again?

He's a guest. We're
waiting for him to eat.

We're not gonna eat before
Funkhouser gets here.

- This is your policy?
- Yes, it's my policy.

Yeah, "hold your horses."

- "Hold your horses"?
- Yeah.

This is... this is "Hold your horses"?

That's a bad sign.

"Hold your horses" is,
"Whoa, pull back!

Hold your horses!"

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

Mine's better than yours.

This? No.

That's "hold your horses."
Yeah. Thank you.

I'll bet I could come up
with some good signs

that would improve sign language.

How about "dog"?

Yeah. Yeah.

- No.
- What would you do?


- I can improve the whole language.

- Bullshit.
- Oh.

- All right, you know what?
- Larry: No.

I have people I want you to meet.

Come with me. Enough of your nonsense.

Hey, did I tell you

that Lin hired a signer for the show?

And she's got big, big boobs!

Very buxomy, you know?

- They're gonna take away from the show.
- Huge!

So distracting. She's, like, big!

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can't wait.

The interpreter

at our show...

A show... ho ho! It's a musical.

Musical. ♪ Hey! Hello! ♪

You know, she has a big...

big bosom.

Yeah, the interpreter. Yeah.

Not that big. Yeah.
About... yeah, there.

He likes the bosom.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I can't begin to apologize enough.

I know I'm late, and I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I'm so... who's this?

- That's Paul.
- I'm sorry.

- Hey, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry!

- It's a tremendous apology.
- I know, it's horrible!

What can I say
to make it... make it good?

You don't have to say anything.
It's a fantastic apology.

One of the best apologies
I've ever heard!

Gave me the chills, that apology.

Oh, my God! I feel like
getting down on my knees.

I don't know what else to do!

I wish that could be broadcast
on national television

so people could hear what an
apology's supposed to sound like!

- That's why you're my friend.
- Thank you.

What a fantastic
fucking apology that was!

Okay, thank you for...
thank you so much.

That was so great.

- Thank you very much.
- That was great.

Thank you. I feel better.

All right, okay. Everybody's here.

- Let's eat!
- Let's eat! Beautiful!

- Let's do it.
- Come on, everybody. Let's go!


- Larry, I want you here.
- Sure.

- There.
- Got it.

Okay, let's try this rewrite.


Hello, darling.
Good morning.

- Yes.
- Hey, same pants as yesterday.

What's this? What, are you
tracking my outfits now?

Just an observation.

Huh. You know, for a guy
with so many other concerns,

my trousers should be
at the bottom of your list.


Well, as long as we're talking about it,

am I crazy, or have you worn
them three days in a row?

- Oh, come on.
- Hey, do me a favor, all right?

Stop the tracking.
No one likes to be tracked!

Yes. How would you like
it if we tracked you?

Do it. I'm in hiding with four outfits.

You'll never see me doubling up.

You know why? I rotate.

All you gotta do is rotate, baby.

What the hell is going on up there?

What is that?
What is that, incense?

Yeah, that's incense, brother.

You don't burn incense
in someone else's house.

It's like cooking fish or smoking
a cigar. It's a violation.

- What the hell are they doing?

Hi. Is Ernst here?

And Valentina.

- Upstairs.
- Great.

Ooh, lovely home.

Yeah. Yeah, really nice.

Thanks for your hospitality.

- Hell-o.
- Hi.

They're swinging! They're swinging!

- Whoo!

You're a funny guy, man.

You got all this sexual shit going on,

I'm in the guesthouse chilling,
you don't tell me about it?

- How many people were here?
- 15, at least.

Well, why'd you let it go on?

I thought you were in on it!
I didn't know!

Have you lost your mind?

You think I knew
what was going on here?

I thought maybe you
were... were sleepfuckin'.

- I don't know.
- Sleepfuckin'?

Yeah. You know, subconsciously,

your brain is fuckin',
but your conscious mind...

I don't think I was sleepfuckin'.

I have a hard enough time wakefuckin'.
How am I gonna sleepfuck?

- Cousins are gone?
- Everybody left.

All right, look, I got paintball today.

We gotta get this place cleaned up.

I can't deal with this today.

Okay, I'll do it.

They ransacked the fridge and
broke the goddamn Jacuzzi, too.

- Bastards.
- What are you doing?

Last time I wore these pants,
F. Murray outfit tracked me.

I can't wear them around him anymore.
My favorite pants.

- That's crazy, man.
- I'm so pissed.

Just wear those.

- These?
- Those are nice.


Jesus, I'm so goddamn late.

Josh, I love you. You're
gonna get fuckin' shellacked

if you're dancing out there.

We're out here playing paintball, man!

I go for the big dog.

I actually upgraded mine.

Are you guys getting bitten up?

- Hey. This is amazing.
- Hey!

Yeah, uh, first of all,
so glad to see you here.

You did it. You did this.

I did, but something
did occur to me, though,

um, however.

Uh, if you had taken that commercial,

the gross would have been 1,200,

but the net would have been, like, 700.

Maybe 750.

Yeah, something like that.

I'm actually...

kind of losing money on this deal.

'Cause if you were
only gonna make $700,

and I gave you 1,200,

you know, it kind of feels
like you owe me... 500.

Am I wrong?

- Larry, you gave me this gift.
- Yes.

- I called you a prince.
- I am a prince.

Now you're asking me
for a portion of the gift back.

You're making a profit off this!

I'm gonna call you a prick.

With all due respect,
you are the prick.

For accepting your gift?

It shouldn't be a gift, though.
I'm not giving you a gift.

- Wait, hang on, hang on.
- I'm not FICA.

I paid you the gross,

and I should have paid you the net.

Why do you keep hiking
your britches up?

Because I couldn't wear the
same pants two days in a row

because I got an outfit tracker here,

so I had to take these pants,
and they're too big on me,

and I didn't have time
to put a belt on!

I'm not giving you the money back.

Have fun today, Larry.

I'm not the bad guy here!

I'm... I'm losing... uh...

I... I'm not the bad guy.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hey, Carly.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Larry, could I have
a word with you, please?

If it isn't Big Murray. Hey.
You know what, Big Murray?

'Cause of you, I couldn't wear
my favorite gray corduroys,

and now I'm wearing pants
that are way too big for me.

That's what I wanted to talk to you
about... that scene in the kitchen.

Funny, huh?

Well, it was a little insulting to me.

Why? Nobody knows you're the
one who outfit tracked me.

Oh, you make me very uncomfortable.

- You know, you're judging me.
- I wasn't judging you.

It felt like it was a thin
disguise for insulting me.

No. I would insult you right
to your face, Big Murray.

That's what I would think, that
you should insult me to my face,

but the problem is, now I feel like

I'm being tracked
because of what you did.

I can't get up in the morning
anymore without thinking,

"Oh, gotta be careful.
Big Larry's watching you."

Big Larry is not tracking Big Murray.

Big Larry is tracking Big Murray.

Big Larry has better things
to do than track Big Murray.

Then why are you writing it all down?

Hey, Larry, can I talk to you a second?

- Excuse me, Murray. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Be careful what you say
around this guy, huh?

He's a Murray tracker!

There's your outfit tracker,
right there.

Hey, what's this I hear about you
asking Cody Gutcher for his money back?

Yeah, I asked Cody Gutcher
for my money back, yeah.

But not all of it.
Just the money he owed me.

Cody Gutcher is one of the best company
managers in the fuckin' country!

We almost lost him to "Spring
Awakening," and we have him!

I don't give a shit if Cody Gutcher
goes to "Spring Awakening!"

I'm nice enough to give him $1,200,

and he steals 450 of it!

You're nice enough to do the gesture.
Finish the gesture.

I did finish the gesture, then I
was expecting a gesture from him!

No. "Here's a gesture. Where's
my gesture back, motherfucker?!"

That's your version of a gesture?

You got something off your chest.
Are you happy?

- Yeah.
- I got something on my chest, okay?

Go for it.

Valentina Miranda and
her husband Ernst,

who I was generous enough
to let stay in my house...

Yeah, and I said, "Thank you."

- They're swingers.
- Yeah, I know.

You know they're swingers,
you don't tell me?!

I told you they were
an interesting couple.

"Interesting" is not "swinging!"

I was there when you met them.

You said, "Make yourself at home.
Stay as long as you want."

- So they entertained.
- Entertained?! That's playing mah-jongg!

This was like a Roman
orgy, like Caligula!

You know what you do in
someone else's house?

- What?
- You tiptoe.

You say please, you say
thank you, you clean up.

"May I use your refrigerator?"

Guests tiptoe! That's what you do!

Oh, no, I wanna have fun at the
fuckin' Larry David house.

Tiptoe and play mah-jongg,
that's your idea of fuckin' fun.

You should've seen.
They trashed the whole house!

And you know what else?
They broke my curtain remote!

- What the fuck's a curtain remote?
- A curtain remote?

It opens and closes, opens
and closes the curtains!

Who needs a curtain remote?

You fuckin' do this!
That's how you open a curtain!

You've obviously never
used a curtain remote.

Who would need one? It's a curtain!

It's a good thing! It's a fun thing!

If you ever did it, you
wouldn't even think about it!

Well, I'm never coming to your house,

'cause I don't want to tiptoe around

and maybe get refrigerator privileges!

You gesture-rescinding motherfucker!

- That's right. That's right.

At least I don't have cousins
who are sex degenerates!

- What'd you say about my family?
- You Mirandas!

You don't give proper "thank yous,"

you don't give proper "sorrys,"

and you're a bunch of sex perverts!


You've besmirched
the honor of my family,

and I demand satisfaction.

Satisfaction... you shall have.

(all murmuring)

It's a duel.

These proceedings shall fall
under the auspices

of the Code Duello... Irish version.

I'm given to understand
that one of the gentlemen

has perceived a slight
and demands satisfaction.

That's correct.

This is your final
chance to offer an apology,

thereby saving face.

No apology is forthcoming.

Very well. We shall proceed.

Gentlemen, choose your weapon.

Will anyone present stand as the
second to the offended party?

I will.

Will anyone present stand forth

as the second to the transgressor?

I will.


If the principals would
please hand their weapons

to their seconds

to be inspected and loaded
with one projectile.

- I don't know how to do this.
- What?

Why'd you volunteer for second if
you don't know what you're doing?

I'm from Newport Beach.
I've never loaded a gun before.

Give me the paintball.

- That's it. There's nothing to it.
- Sorry.

Very well. Please stand back-to-back.

Gentlemen, on my count,

you will proceed to walk ten paces,

at which point you will turn,

aim your weapons, and fire.

And ten, nine...

...eight, seven...

...six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

- Lin!
- Oh, my God! >It's in his mouth!

- Come on, Larry.
- It was... it was an accident!

I was gonna fire in the air!

Aaron Burr!

- Aaron Burr!
- I'm not Aaron Burr!

- No, no, no!
- Lin!

Where the fuck is he?
He says he was gonna be here!

- I don't know.
- I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Family, friends, and loved ones,

we are gathered here today to celebrate

one of life's greatest moments...

the joining of two lives
in this union we call marriage.

Victor and Sammi have asked you today

to be here to bear witness

and to offer your love and support

as they embark on this next
chapter of their lives.

Victor, we would be remiss if we
didn't thank you for your service.

Now, please take each other's
hands for your vows.

Victor, do you take
Sammi to be your wife?

I do.

Do you commit yourself to her happiness

and self-fulfillment as a person?

I... I do. I do.

Do you promise to love...

All right, enough, enough.
Excuse me, miss.

- Out. You gotta go.
- What? What?

Get the hell outta here.

- And cover up!
- What?

Sorry, everybody.

It had to be done. We'll just continue.

C-Continue. Continue.

I'm not Burr. I'm not Burr.

I was gonna fire in the air!

You shot right at me, Larry.

No, it's Murray's fault,

because he was outfit tracking me

and I had to put on
a different pair of pants,

and they were too big
for me and they fell.

- Anyway, I'm so sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

Really... truly sorry.

- That's a pretty good apology.
- Really?

- It's commensurate with the offense.
- Yes?

Do you wanna apologize for falling
asleep during "Hamilton"?


My wife told me you were
practically on her shoulder.

Okay, what happened was,

I had a pain pill in my
pocket that Jeff gave me,

because I injured my shoulder
wrestling with you.

So in a way, you're a little...

I'm at fault for you
sleeping through my show?

I did see part of the show.

I have to say, I loved it.
It was terrific.

- Thank you.
- ♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton... ♪

I didn't see the end of the first act.

♪ And there's a million
things I haven't... ♪

- That's the very first song.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go back.
- Okay.

Any chance you could, uh...

I have to see what they say,
if they have tickets.

Two tickets. What's the...

I don't run the ticket
office, Larry David.

Make a phone call. What do you mean?
You wrote the show.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, you're spitting on me!

- Cover your mouth when you cough.
- Man, fuck you.

Oh, my God.

I gotta get to
Jeff's daughter's wedding!

- I'm late!
- What?

Yes, yeah, I'm speaking there! Hey!

- Driver.
- Hey, what the...

Can we make a quick stop?
It's just at that light.

It's about a half a mile
and you go up the hill.

And you can drop me off.
It's two minutes.

No. This is not no fuckin' Uber.

We gotta get this man to the hospital.
He's injured.

It's gonna be a lot worse for me.
You don't know this woman.

Fuck that woman! And fuck her wedding.
Get in the back.

- Okay.
- Fuck!

Somebody strap him in!

Oh, yeah. Wait a second.

Wait a second, Charlie.

Who are you calling, Larry?

- This woman I met in a bar.

You're trying to get laid
on the way to the hospital?

Hey, Marie. It's Larry David.

Remember, I met you in the bar

and you came and sat
at the table with us?

Hey, I got a job for you.

Jeffrey, where's Larry?
He's still not here?

- I don't know.
- But we have to start the speeches.

Well, start the speeches!

Get the fuck outta my face!

Go away! Do the... the patrons.

- What are you doing?
- Go do your job somewhere. Go!

Jeff, can you call him again?

I'm not trying him again.
I called him, he didn't answer.

I'm here. Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, I'm Marie from the restaurant.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- What are you doing here?

Hi. Larry couldn't be here...

- ...but he asked me to stand in.

And don't worry, I have his speech.

"Hi. I'm Larry David."

Oh, no.

Her name's Marie. Larry rents her.

"And I just want to say how
thrilled I am to be here today,

and I am especially honored
to have been asked

to speak at this blessed event.

I have known Sammi... _

for her entire life, and frankly, I don't
even think she likes me very much.

But I'm pretty sure I
feel that way about everybody.

Sammi, I wish I had advice to offer you

on how to have a successful marriage,

but I'll just offer you two words:

- separate bathrooms."
- Separate bathrooms.

Okay, that's fine. Thank you very much.

So, Sammi and... what's
your name again, sir?

Thank you very much.

- Victor.
- Oh, Victor!

You need to be going right now.
Thank you.

I'm sorry, everyone...

Susie, can I, for my reel,
get a copy of that?

Yeah, good-bye.

Enjoy... uh, enjoy

the rest of the... party.

I talked to Lin's doctors.

They said he'll be fine
in about six months.

But he's moving on to other projects.

He's done. "Fatwa!" is over.

Our investments are gone.

Lewis lost money, Danson lost money.

I lost a ton, okay?

I told all these ladies I was
a big-time Broadway producer.

Now I ain't shit.

So how much did we lose, Jeffrey?

We lost a lot of money.

We're... we're gonna
have to sell the house.

We are not selling that fuckin' house.

Didn't you wear that sweater yesterday?

What did you say?

What the fuck did you just say?

Well, don't get so excited. It was...

Yeah, I wore this sweater yesterday.

So what? What, are you
outfit tracking me?

I'm not outfit tracking you.
I asked you a simple question.

Sure sounds like you're
outfit tracking. So what?

I didn't work out in it. I wasn't on the
subway. I didn't go in public toilets.

The sweater's clean. You can wear
a sweater two days in a row.

It's not a shirt. I don't wear
a shirt two days in a row.

- It's just a sweater.
- What are you, a fuckin' lunatic?

You're an outfit tracker
and I don't like it!

You can wear the same
sweater two days in a... oh!

Here's your fruit salad
and your veggie burger.

Oh, veggie burger. Beautiful, beautiful.
Thank you.


Where's my food?

Aw. We'll start.

Mmm. This is fantastic!



♪ For a spoonful of sugar ♪

♪ Helps the medicine go down ♪

♪ The medicine go down ♪

♪ The medicine go down ♪

- ♪ For a spoonful of sugar... ♪
- Hey! Hey!

I know who you are.

Yeah. You're Larry David.

- No, no, no...

The fatwa's... the fatwa's over!

- They called the fatwa off!
- I don't believe you!

You're a liar! You're a blasphemer!

- No! No! Didn't they tell you?

No! No, it's true! They called it off!

No! No!

- They... they called it off!
- Stop! Stop!

No! No!

Larry David, I am gonna kill you!

It's over!