Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - Episode #10.1 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(theme music playing)

Let me ask you something.
You happy with your color?

Fuckin' love my color.
Fuckin' mahogany.

‐Yeah. You're mahogany.

Hell, yeah.

‐You happy
with your color?

‐Huh? No?
‐Ah, well, what is it?
What is it?

You're like
a... a porridge,

a cream of wheat,
a farina, that kind of shit.

‐That's what white
people's skin tone is.

‐It's just different
kinds of hot cereal.
‐Right, right.

Black people,
your skin tone's like,

it depends on
the amount of milk
you put in the coffee.

Fuckin' right.
I'm like
a fuckin' Yoo‐hoo.

‐I shake that motherfucker up.
I'm shakin' it up.
‐Yoo‐hoo's a good color.

‐Fuckin' good color. Shit.
‐Yeah, Yoo‐hoo's
a really good color.



There you go.

‐Somewhere between‐‐

‐Wait, excuse me?
‐What the‐‐ what the fuck?

Hey. Larry.

‐Randi. Yeah.
‐You got it.

‐I'm a friend of Susie's.
‐I know, I know, I know.

Happy New Year.


It's a little late, frankly,

for the "Happy New Years,"
you know?

Why? It just happened
a couple of weeks ago, right?

Yeah, that's too long.

The statute of limitations

has kind of run out
on the "New Years."

‐Three days. Plenty.
‐Three days?

By the way,
everything doesn't
have to be happy.

Why does everything
have to be happy?

‐I'm having a pretty good day.
‐Yeah. Look at you.

‐That's, that's huge.
‐Yeah, I'm about eight months.

If you need some name tips,
I'm your guy.

‐What would you suggest?

Maybe something, uh,
Swedish, perhaps?

Yeah, I'm... my husband
is African‐American,

so I'm not sure that would,
I don't know, gel.

You like saying that,
don't you.

‐Do I like saying that
he's African‐American?

I think you wanted me to know.

Does it change your
opinion of me?

In some ways, yes.
In some ways, no.

‐All right.

Enjoy your workout.


(beeping continues)

What are you doing?


What's with the‐‐
What's with the jogging?

I'm... I'm working out.

‐Working out?

You, you're jostling
the fetus.

You can't‐‐
You can't run
in your condition.

Uh, yes, I can.

I was advised by my midwife

that I should continue
to work out.

Maybe you want to
consult your blacksmith.

See what he has
to say about it.

Oh, I don't, uh, want
to get into it with you,
but, um...

my fetus, my problem, okay?

‐I pity that fetus.
‐(machine beeping)

Oh, my God.
I can't watch this.

‐Happy New Year.
‐Yeah, Happy New Year.


‐Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Come on, man.

‐You gotta stay dry.
‐You're over‐talcing here.

‐Happy New Year.

Yeah, yeah.

‐I couldn't even
breathe in there.

He was putting talc
under his arm,

‐on his balls...
It was disgusting.

‐I mean, who still uses that?
‐I use that shit all the time.

‐Can't be good for you.
‐Not if you're allergic to it.

My Auntie Rey
put some of that shit on her,

and went into
anaphylactic shock.

‐Yeah. Started shakin' and shit.
Took her to the ER.

‐Man, they had to pump
her stomach for nothing.
‐That's incredible.

Yeah, man.

‐Look at this guy
in the MAGA hat.
‐Boy. You don't see...

‐You don't see many of those
in LA, do you?
‐You fuckin' don't.

Know what I noticed?
No one ever wears
those hats on backwards.

If mean, if you're gonna
get your ass kicked,
you want to see it coming.

‐I like that.

‐Mocha‐‐ Mocha Joe's

Mocha Joe.
I know a Mocha Joe.

‐You want some coffee?
‐Sure. Okay.

‐Let's go in here.
‐Get a little latte.

‐Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
‐Thank you.

Have a great day.

‐Whoa! Blast from the past.
‐Oh, boy, oh, boy.

‐Larry David. Wow.
‐Mocha Joe!

‐Long time, no see, man.
What are you doin' here?

‐What's your name?

‐Leon. Nice to meet you.
‐This is unreal.

Do you believe it? Huh?
What can I get you guys?

I'll get a‐‐
Do you have scones?

Yeah. Right there.
They're beautiful.

Great. I'll have a scone,
and a, uh, cup of coffee.

‐Cup of coffee and a scone.
What about you, Leon?
‐Let me get a latte.

All right. One scone,
a coffee, a latte.

That's $11.50.

There you go.
Keep the change.

Oh, thanks for the tip.
Appreciate it.

Mocha Joe: A latte
and a coffee, please.
Thank you.


It's a little soft.

What, the scone?

Yeah. Scones are
supposed to be hard.
This is like a muffin.

Well, not really.
It's supposed to be fresh.

Yeah, fresh hard.

Well, that's a fresh scone.

I'm not quite sure
you know what a scone is,
Mocha Joe.

‐Oh, I know what a scone is.
‐Larry: Do you?

‐You may have a looser
definition of scone than I do.

I don't think it's really
open to interpretation,

You want the scone, or not?

Yeah, I'll keep
the scone‐slash‐muffin.

‐So you're gonna
keep the scone?
‐Yeah. Muffin. Yeah.

Enjoy the scone, Larry.

‐Hey, you got any Danishes?
‐Uh, no.

You're fuckin' up.

Mocha Joe:
(sighs) Next.


‐Oh, my God.
‐(table squeaking)

‐Look at this table.
Do you believe it?

‐Hey, uh, hey, Mocha Joe.

Mocha Joe:

‐Check out this table.

(chuckles) It's a wobb‐‐
You got a wobbly table, here.

Yeah, well,
stop moving it.

Stop moving it? It's‐‐
Every time I, I, I lean on it,

‐it's gonna move.
‐Put your foot on it,
like everybody else does.

I'm gonna sit with
my foot on the table?

Yeah, that's how
you hold it down.
The floors are wobbly.

‐Mocha Joe, can I give
you a little advice?

Nobody likes a wobbly table.

Fastest way to lose customers
is wobbly tables.

I got an uncle
with a wobbly leg.

I can't stand that motherfucker.

Leaning on shit all the time.

Two medium cappuccinos.

(gulps) Aah.

Taste your coffee.

‐It's cold.

Hey, man.

‐Larry: Hey, Mocha Joe.

‐(laughs softly)

This is cold coffee.

Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.

That coffee is not cold.

‐Is your coffee cold?
‐Your coffee's hot, right?

Look, we don't wanna be
fuckin' haters right now,

but this shit is cold.

Can, can I get a n‐‐

‐Can I get a new cup?

‐So you're not gonna
give me a new cup.

'Cause that's a hot cup
of coffee.

‐It was hot when
I gave it to you‐‐
‐That's a hot cup of coffee?

It's a hot cup of coffee.
It was hot when
I gave it to you.

Would you stick your nose
in a hot cup of coffee?

Why would you
stick your nose‐‐

Because I want to prove to you

that it's cold coffee.
Watch this.

That's cold coffee.

‐That doesn't
prove anything except...
‐It does.

...that you're an old,
bald nut!

‐What'd you say to me?
‐You heard me.

‐Now get out,
you old, bald fuck!
‐With pleasure!

You think I want to sit here
with a wobbly table,

‐and drink cold
black coffee?

‐No, thank you.
‐Yeah, good. Get out.

Hey. Larry might be
one or two of those things,
but not all three.

Happy New Year, Larry.

Happy New Year, Mocha Joe!

♪ ♪

(collar jingling)

Morning, Larry.
How are you?

‐Your dog?

He's eating out of my bowl.

Oh, I just got that bowl
from the kitchen.

I thought
it was an office bowl.

It's an office bowl for humans.

Not for dogs.

I mean, I wash it
at the end of the day

‐with soap,
and then I dry it, and‐‐
‐No, that's not enough.

It needs to be sterilized.
I can't, I can't...

share a bowl with a dog.

(chuckles uncomfortably)

‐Uh, I've got
some mail for you.

‐And there's some other stuff.
‐Wait a second. Wait a second.

‐Look at this.

‐Is that new?

All right, what‐‐
What the hell is that?
Why is one eye closed?

Huh? What is all that?

Oh, well,
it's kind of personal.
I don't‐‐

I don't share it
with everybody.

Yeah, it's very personal.

The whole world can see it,
but it's personal.

‐Well, it's on my body.
‐Okay, okay.

Hey, let me ask
you something, okay?

If I walked in here
with a horn on my head,

would you say,
"What are you doing
with a horn on your head?"

I'd say,
"Oh, I can't tell you.
It's personal."

I got the tattoo because
of an event in my life,

and it means something
special to me.

It's a reminder of that to me.

‐It's just for me.

Then why didn't you
put it on your ass?

I have something from
the business manager
that you need to sign.

Ah. All right.

‐Uh, it's just...

There's an initial,
and a date,

and I think three signatures.

May I?

Oh, what are you doing?
That's my shirt.

Well, I was...
cleaning my glasses.

You can't clean your glasses
with a shirt that I'm wearing

while I'm wearing it.

It's inappropriate.
It's crossing a boundary.

‐No good?
‐No good.

Hmm. (pops lips)

(party chatter)

I know. Susie loves this house
even more than her last one.

Well, the last one stunk.

It was too big.

And he called me, uh...
He called me old and bald.

‐I swear to God.

You know,
I'll tell you something.
I love coffee,

and I love his coffee,
but you're one of my old‐‐

You are my oldest friend.

I'm gonna boycott that place.

‐You're gonna boycott
Mocha Joe's?
‐I'm boycotting.

‐Jeff: How about that?

‐I'm boycotting Mocha Joe.
You can't do that to my friend.
‐Larry: Hey.

‐Look at this guy.
Look at this guy.
‐That's a friend.

We were in the same
hospital together.

‐He can't fuck with my friend.
‐All right!

‐I'm gonna get some coffee.
‐Larry: Okay.

Enjoy your coffee.

‐He's boycotting.
‐He's boycotting.
That's a big move.

‐Jeff: That's a big move,
a boycott.
‐Oh, my God.

Who invited you?
You pig.

No, uh, Nancy, that is not
Harvey Weinstein.

‐I'm so sorry, Jeff.
My sister's from out of town.
‐Jeff: Oh!

‐I'm just, I'm really sorry.
‐Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so‐‐

I'm the host of the party.
‐Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

Yes, I'm not Harvey Weinstein.

‐I'm sorry. Thank you.
I'm sorry.
‐Jeff: Okay.

He looks like Harvey Weinstein.
He looks just like him.

‐What the hell?

All the time,
women, men‐‐
doesn't matter.

‐Larry: Geez.
‐And suddenly, I'm this guy.


I'm starving.
Oh! Pigs in a blanket.

‐What's better?

I've been following
her around all night,
but she never has any.

They go fast.

I don't care how foo‐foo
the other items are,

‐and people love 'em,
pigs in a blanket.

Larry, I am
extremely displeased
with your behavior.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the 16th president
of these United States...

‐Yeah, yeah. You're funny.
‐...Abraham Lincoln.

Let's give him
a big round of applause.

‐Like you know anything
about fashion.
‐It is such an honor

to be standing near you,
Mr. President.

This hat is very similar
to the one that
Kate Middleton wore.

‐Okay? You don't know shit.
‐Oh, really?

‐I know you look ridiculous.
How about that?
‐Yeah. Yeah, fine.

You act ridiculous.
Why are you harassing
my friend Randi at the gym?

Hey, you know what?
Somebody has to stand up
for that fetus.

You don't know anything
about fetuses.

I know you don't go
on a treadmill

eight months pregnant.
You don't have to be a genius

‐to figure that out.
‐Why not? Why not?

Do you think
that's good for fetus?
All that jostling?

It's not your job
to mansplain to Randi!

‐Jeff, there's people
I want you to meet.

"Four score and seven years ago,

"our fathers brought forth
to this continent

"a new nation,

"conceived in liberty,

‐Larry, Happy New Year.

You're too late.

"Happy New Year."
Come on. It's three weeks.

‐Isn't it almost
a month already?
‐It's ridiculous.

Ah, look, well, they have
nothing to say, these people.

‐Oh, man.
‐How do you know it's
a happy new year, anyway?

‐I can't believe it.

Aw, I missed 'em again.
It's unbelievable.

Hey, Larry!

‐How you been?

‐Yeah, great to see you.

Shit. That's Rosen‐‐

‐Phil Rosenthal.
‐Phil Rosenthal.

He just talks about
his shows all the time.

His own show, and how about‐‐
Romano is on 500 times a day.

Somebody Feed Phil.

Oh, geez, with all the chaos
in the world,

in third‐world countries,
feed him?

He should be feeding
other people.

It should be called
Phil Feeds Everybody.

‐You know what I'm gonna
do with him tonight?
‐What's that?

The Big Goodbye.

I'm employing
The Big Goodbye.

‐It's the greatest
move in history.
‐How great is The Big Goodbye?

I've been doing it for years,
since you taught me.

‐You avoid the person
all night...
‐Of course.

And then at the end,
when you're about to leave,

you go, "Ah!"
You give 'em
a big goodbye.

‐Then they feel good...
‐Bye! Goodbye and good luck
to you and your family.

They're very happy that
you spent this time with them

at the end of the night, and...

‐and you slip out.
‐It's genius.

Um, are you up for doing
our old ventriloquist act?

‐I don't know.
Susie wants to see it.
‐Yeah, I'll do it.

‐You will?

Okay, good.
Can we do it pretty soon?

Because I want Ted to see it
before he leaves.

‐Of course.
‐Thank you.


‐(all laughing)
‐I'd like to thank
Jeff and Susie

‐for inviting us into
their beautiful home.
‐I like the other one.

(crowd laughing)

Well, I think the house
is very nice.

‐(crowd laughing)

Did they throw that
fish smell in for free?


And, and, and look at all
our other friends who are
kind enough to join us.

‐There's, there's Ted Danson.
‐Wow, is he handsome!

He sure thinks so.


And how about Susie,
our inimitable hostess?

‐Susie, I love the curtains,

but why did you make
a jacket out of it?

‐Crowd: Oh!
‐(raucous laughter)

‐Are you having a good time?
‐A good time?
Are you kidding me?

I'm with a bunch of stiffs,
the food sucks, the drinks
aren't strong enough,

and your hand is up my ass.


Hey. Don't look so down.


Are you mad?

‐Let's kiss and make up.

‐I'm not gonna kiss a dummy.
‐I wouldn't. She's got a cold.

Aw. That's the end!

‐(applause, laughter)
‐Jeff: Bravo!

Bravo! Cheryl and Larry.

‐Cheryl and Larry.
‐(cheers, whistles)

What a great audience.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you all for coming.
‐Susie: I love that bit.

‐Thanks for coming.
‐Susie: Always loved that bit.

‐You were very funny.
‐Thank you.

‐I'm sorry, but I gotta
catch my plane.

Actually, you know what,
I better not.
I don't wanna catch a cold.

‐Cheryl: Oh, I know.
You gotta stay...
‐I'm sorry. Yeah.

‐I'll call you when I land.
‐...healthy. Okay.

You don't need to call her
when you land.

If there's a plane crash,
we'll know about it.

‐Okay. I'll walk you, Ted.
‐Thank you, guys.

‐Susie: Thank you for coming.
‐Ted: That was a great evening.

Ah! There you are.
Finally gotcha.

Sir, I need you
to get out of here.

Get out of here?
What are you talking about?

I need you to leave this room
'cause you've been ogling me...

‐the entire night.
‐Ogling you? Are you nuts?

‐I, I, I've been ogling
the pigs in a blanket.
‐Am I‐‐

Oh, my God. Yeah.

‐Not the first time
this has happened.
‐What? I want one.


‐Ah. Hey.
‐Hey. Excuse me.

‐Huh? Were we a hit?
‐We were a hit.

‐We were the highlight
of this party.
‐Highlight of the party.

Yeah, I mean,
it's a been a while,
but we've still got it.

‐What are‐‐
What are you doing?
‐I'm gonna go home.

‐I'm just getting an Uber.

‐I'll take you home.
‐You don't have to do that.

Ah, it's nothing.

‐Okay. Okay.
Thank you. That's‐‐
‐Um, just give me...

Give me two minutes.

Okay. All right. Thanks.

Are you kidding?

I can't believe
I didn't get a chance
to talk to you all night,

and now I'm on my way out.

‐What a shame.
‐You giving me
The Big Goodbye?

‐The Big Goodbye? What are you‐‐
What are you talking about?
‐Big Goodbye.

Where you avoid me all night,
and then you think you can

cure it by having a Big Goodbye.
I know. I've been around.

‐I wasn't giving you a Big‐‐ I
never heard of the Big Goodbye.
‐It seems like a Big Goodbye.

No, it wasn't.
It was just a normal goodbye.

‐That's a normal goodbye.


Yeah. I wasn't trying
to avoid you.

Are you kidding?
Why would I avoid you?

Have lunch with me

We have a lot to talk about.

we're doing Raymond
in Portugal.

Everybody Loves Joam.

It's fantastic.
I get to go.

And then I have the whole
Somebody Feed Phil show.

I want you to do my show.
I want to go to Ethiopia
with you.

‐(chuckles) Ethiopia.
‐Ethiopia's great.

I don't think I'm
running off to Ethiopia‐‐

Sure, you eat with your hands.
It's fantastic.

‐Everybody shares,
and, and the thing‐‐
‐I... I...

‐I don't like to leave
the continent, you know.

‐All right.
You know what?

We'll start lunch Wednesday.
We'll see where it goes.

Say yes to me
and you can go.


Larry: You know,
did I ever tell you

that I once did a, uh,
premature Big Goodbye?

So what does that mean?
You said goodbye and then
you didn't leave?

‐I did a Big Goodbye
and then I didn't‐‐
‐Come on.

‐And I didn't leave.
‐And what did they do?
They were mad?

‐I ran into her in the kitchen
about an hour later.
‐Come on.

And what do you say?
What do you even say?

She said,
"I thought you left."
I said, "Well, you know.

I got, uh...
something happened."
I don't know.

I made up a story.

I, but I,
I can't believe that...

that he knew about
the Big Goodbye.

‐That was unbelievable to me.

Well, I can't believe
that you kissed me when
you knew I had a cold.

That was pretty unbelievable.

Yeah. You...

I would do it again.


Wow, Larry.

What are we doing?

By the way,
before we get into that,

are you aware that you have
a wobbly table here?

Look at this.
Look at this table.
It's unbelievable.

‐I, I don't know how you
can go to bed at night.
‐Yeah, it doesn't bother me.

If all tables in
your house wobbled,

you could live like that?
You could in a wobble‐house?

We need to talk about Ted.
We need to talk about everything
that just happened here.


‐What are you so...

I'm, I'm your ex‐husband.

Ted is such a good person.

No, he's not such
a good person, okay?

You don't do that.
You don't date
a friend's ex‐wife.

I mean, it's crazy.

‐You know what it is?
‐Now... what?

I think when I'm with you,
it makes me feel...

‐...better about myself?
‐Morally superior.


‐I hear that a lot. Yeah.
‐Yeah. So, I'm not perfect,

‐but at least
I'm better than you.
‐You're better than me.

I can relate to
what you're saying,

'cause I don't, I don't
feel that way with people.

‐I feel morally
inferior to people.

But I feel that way
with animals 'cause
they're generally so stupid,

and I can‐‐
especially insects,
I can crush them.

You know, and, and
they eat each other.

I mean, they're crazy,
animals. So, yeah.

I feel smarter
and morally superior to them.

(both laugh)

‐Hey. Uh... Let me
ask you something.

Is there any chance that...

we might meet up again?

We'll see.

We'll see.

‐You can't stay here.
‐I'm gonna tell you something,

‐If we ever got
back together...

...and somehow this table
appeared on, on our bedside...

‐ would be fixed

‐Oh, my God.

‐Larry: I could not live
with a wobbly table.
‐Cheryl: Larry, please.

‐Larry: Okay.


‐Where the fuck you been at?

‐What are you? My mother?
‐Fuck yeah, I am.

All right,
I was at a party, okay?
I was at Jeff's party.

‐That party was over
a long time ago.

Yeah. This right here‐‐
This right here?
It's called tappin' hours.

This is the hours when
people are tappin' ass.

I'm not tappin'.
I'm not tappin'.

Older white men should not
be out this fuckin' late.

There's no late‐night
yacht club,
or late‐night garage sales

and shit like that.
You out here fuckin'.

When I'm tappin',
I always tell you.

I come home and spread
the fuckin' news.

You wanna know who I'm tappin'?
You wanna know who I'm tappin'?

‐Who the fuck you tappin'?

Larry: I can't get out of it.
It's Phil Rosenthal.
He's just‐‐

What do you do?
How many times
can you say no?

You couldn't do
the Big Goodbye?

I did the Big Goodbye.
He saw right through it.

Ah! You know what I'll do?

I'll call you
in the middle of lunch.

Say it's an emergency
and you gotta go.

I did that the last time
I had lunch with him.

Oh, boy.
That guy's relentless.

Hey, Lar, that was
some party last night, huh?

‐Yeah, it was a great party.
‐You had a good time?

‐I did. I had a nice time.

So you drove Cheryl home?


That was very nice of you.

‐Considering Ted's
out of town‐‐
‐Yeah. I'm a nice guy.

‐Yeah. I'm a nice guy.

So, what, did you just
drop her off, or‐‐

‐Yeah. Pretty much.

Dropped her off.
Said good night.
Went on my merry way.


‐Is there something
you would like to know, or‐‐
‐No, no, no.

Something you're
not saying? Um...

You know, can I person
not just ask

‐a, a normal question?
‐No, they're not
normal questions.

‐There's a lot of implications.
A lot of implications.
‐Larry: You're fishing‐‐

You're on a little
fishing expedition.

You know,
you two are something.

‐You two make crap up‐‐
‐We're something?

You know what?
You're something.

Don't eat all the leftovers.
We need them for dinner.

‐Jeff: Sure, I won't.
‐You're something.

‐I'll eat whatever
the fuck I want.
‐That's right.

Hey. Did you sleep with Cheryl?

‐You did?

‐Yeah. Listen.

You cannot say anything
to Susie. Cannot.

Under any circumstances.
Cheryl swore me to secrecy.

She didn't want me to tell you.

But I had to.
I couldn't‐‐
How could I not?

I'm a human being,
for God's sake.

‐I think it's great.

Yes. Wha‐‐
What are you hoping
to get out of it, though?

I'm hoping to get
back together, but...

‐I'll be surprised
if I see her again.

We on for golf on Saturday?

Yeah. Um...

Arnie Norton asked
if he could play.

I'm not playing with him.
He's a Trump supporter.

‐Never play with
a Trump supporter.

See him around town
with that hat.

"Make America Great Again."

I don't need that crap.

He just‐‐
He makes me want to
not be anywhere near him.

I don't know.
You can check with Carl.
See if he wants to play.

I gotta go.

(Phil whistling)

‐Phil: Oh, hello, there.
‐Hostess: Hi.

Hi. I'm Phil Rosenthal.
I have a twelve o'clock.

Oh, yes.
Mr. David's already here.

‐He is? Wow.
‐Yes. Right this way.

‐Very impressive.
‐He was early.


Hey, Phil!

Good to see you.
Sit. Sit down. Sit down.

Boy, I'm so glad we did this.
It was such a good idea.

You, you were definitely right.

I'm, I'm starving.
I hope this place is good.

Yeah, yeah, it's great.
It's big portions

on the food and everything.
It's really...

a fantastic place. Um...

You know what else?
I've been thinking...

Really thinking about
this Ethiopia thing.

Yeah, actually,
I heard that
we have some budget cuts,

and Ethiopia's a little...
ex‐expensive to shoot in.

Wasn't that one of
the shithole countries?

I can't remember if
that was on the list or not.

‐Oh, look. I'm getting a thing.
‐Larry: Oh!

Oh, yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Um, uh...

My son's flight, uh,
got in early.

‐And I gotta get him.
I gotta go get him.
‐Oh! Really?

‐Yeah, no, really.
‐Let's... Send, send
an Uber or something.

He needs to see me
because he has a little anxiety.

No, no! You know what?

No, no.
We'll, we'll, we'll...
We'll... something.


Fill her up.

‐Ah! Arigato!

‐All right. Two seats
at the sushi bar.

You know what?
Actually, I think we'd prefer
to sit at a table, please.



Very sad. Sad.

(motorcycle rumbling)

(singing indistinctly)

‐Biker: Hey! What
the fuck are you doing?

‐Oh, God. Oh, God.
What the fuck?

What are you
trying to do, man?

‐What the fuck are you doing?
You little fucker!
‐Oh, God. Oh, God.

‐I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
‐What the fuck?

‐I'm sorry, I didn't see you!
‐I'm ought to rip you
outta that fuckin' car!

‐You little shit.
‐I'm sorry.
I didn't see you.

Oh. Just be more careful
next time, okay?

Will do. Will do.
Okay. Thank you.

♪ Now, now... ♪

♪ I want my coffee
and my Danish
right now, now, now ♪

(continues singing indistinctly)

‐What are you‐‐
What are you doing here?

What do you mean
what am I doin' here?

‐Come here. Come out.
I want to talk to you.
‐You come here.

‐No, come on.
Come on out here.
‐No, you come.

‐Come on. I want
to talk to you. Come on.
‐I'm not leaving. You come.

‐You come. You come.
‐(mutters): Aw, fuck it.

What are you doing here?
You said you were gonna
boycott this place.

I am boycotting this place.

Oh, this is a boycott?
Sitting here drinking coffee?

That's a boy‐‐
That's quite a boycott.

I told you,
for the rest of
my dying days,

I will never come
to this place with you.

‐That's not what you said.

‐I said I was‐‐
‐You said you're
boycotting this place.

And you're
never coming back here.
You didn't say with me.

What are you?
My Jewish puppet master?

I can do whatever
the fuck I want alone,

‐but with you,
I will never come in here.

I swear on my life.

Who the fuck needs you
for a boycott

if I'm boycotting already?
I don't need you

to boycott.
You said you're boycotting,

‐but you didn't boycott.
‐Are you done?

I‐‐ I don't understand.
I si‐‐ (scoffs)

‐I don't understand you.
‐(woman coughing)

Oh, my God.
Now she's drinking coffee!

‐Richard: Who's that?
‐Larry: It's unbelievable.

‐Richard: Who?
‐Susie's friend. I saw her
in the gym the other day.

She's eight months pregnant.
She was running on a treadmill.

She has no regard
for this fetus.

Now she's drinking coffee.

This coffee, by the way,
is unbelievable.
It's fantastic.

‐Is it hot?
‐It's very hot.

‐Let me see that for a second.
‐Hey, don't touch my‐‐
I don't like‐‐ Don't touch it.

What the‐‐ Hey, stop it!

What are you,
a fuckin' goose?

Okay. That's not
hot coffee, okay?

If that was hot coffee,
I, I would have burned my nose.

Who asked for a nose test?
I didn't want a nose test!

‐What, are you
outta your mind?
‐Not hot.

What the hell
is going on here?

‐Is he bothering you,
Mr. Lewis?
‐Yes, he's bothering me.

‐Oh, really?
‐Richard: Yeah, really.

You know what, Larry?
Get out.

‐This is what it's come to.

You're banned. For life.
I never wanna see you
in here again.

‐Is that so?
‐Yeah. You're banned.
Banned! Get out!

With pleasure.

Mark my words, Mocha Joe,

and mark them well.

I don't know how,
and I don't know when,

but I will exact vengeance.

As God is my witness,

I will bring you to the brink
of extinction,

or I will die trying.

‐Happy New Year, Mocha Joe!
‐Happy New Year, Larry.

Hey, Happy New Year, man.

Happy New Year.

♪ ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello, Larry David's office.

Valerie (over phone):
Hi, my name is Valerie Ashburn.

I'd like to speak
to Larry David.

Yes, may I ask
what this is regarding?

Sure. This is regarding him
sexually assaulting me
at a party.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

What happened?

I was catering at a party.

Larry was molesting me
with his eyes

the entire night.
And then when I went
into a pantry,

he followed me in,
cornered me,

and he grabbed my breast.
I was lucky to get out of there.

‐You know he did something
like that to me, too?
‐Valerie: No.

‐Oh, my God.
‐Alice: Yeah.

Everything was fine.
And one day he...

asked about a tattoo
I have on my arm,

and I wouldn't tell him
what it meant,

and then he got
obsessive about it.

And why did I have it
on my arm,

and why didn't I
have it on my butt,
somewhere private.

Okay. So this is a pattern.

Oh, yeah. And that's
just the beginning.

What the fuck!





Damn it. Frickin' dog.

And he grabbed my shirt
to wipe his glasses.

Hold on.
I have to shut the door.

‐Larry: I'll be out
in a second.


‐What's with the robe?
‐Larry: Oh.

'Cause I spit cereal up
all over my shirt,

because there was
dog hair in it.

‐(groans) Disgusting.
‐Larry: Right?

So... what's going on?
What do you...

What, what are you doing here?
You haven't been here in a year.

What the fuck is
going on with you?

‐What are you talking about?
‐You're wearing a MAGA hat

at a sushi restaurant?

‐Is that true?
‐Well, I did have
the hat on, yeah.

‐What, are you pro‐Trump?
‐No, no.

Look, I got this idea
to wear that hat

‐so I wouldn't have to have
lunch with Phil Rosenthal.

And it worked like a charm.
He saw me in the hat
and he left the restaurant.

‐It was amazing.
‐I'm not surprised.

You know what?
It's really comin' in handy.

Yeah, 'cause no one's gonna
wanna be anywhere near you.

It's, it's a great
people repellent.

‐You know, look.
When you're a celebrity,

you can do anything you want.
You can grab 'em by the pussy‐‐

‐What did you say?

Why are you wearing
a bathrobe?

‐And that hat!
‐Oh, no, no! No, I‐‐

Oh, my God!
You're friends
with that monster?

‐No, I'm‐‐
‐Alice: No!

‐No, no, no, no, no!
‐No! No, no, I'm just‐‐

I'm getting a lawyer!

No! What? Hey! What?

No! I'm in the bathrobe

'cause your fuckin' dog
got hair

all over my cereal bowl,

and that's not Weinstein!

♪ ♪

‐I'll take it.
‐It's all yours.

What are you doin' here, Larry?

I thought I told
you to get out
and not come back.

Yeah, so you did, Mocha Joe.
So you did.

I've merely come to inform you

that I have leased
the place next door,

where I'll be opening up
a coffee shop

exactly the same as yours.

Only charging
much lower prices.

All for the express purpose

of taking you down.

Knock yourself out.
I welcome the competition.

‐I'm not afraid of you.
You don't have the beans.

I'm the only guy
in Los Angeles
who has these beans.

‐Yeah. I'll get beans.
‐Oh, you won't find
better beans

‐than my beans.
‐I'll get better beans.

‐No such thing as better beans.
‐There are better beans,

‐Mocha Joe.
‐No better beans, Larry.

‐I will find better beans.
‐Mm‐hmm, good luck.

See ya, Larry.

‐You know what
I'm gonna call it?

Latte Larry's.


(doorbell chimes)

Can I come in?


‐Yes, yes.
‐Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm positive.
I'm a little surprised,
is all.

‐Come in.


Holy cow. I can't‐‐

‐I can't believe you're here.
‐You told me, right? I mean‐‐


Give me two minutes.

Two minutes.
I'll be right back.
Stay right there.

‐Leon: Ha‐ha! (yells)
‐(TV playing indistinctly)

(Leon laughing)

(knocking continues)

‐Fuckin' my movie up.
What you want?
‐I need that talcum powder.

‐What you got goin' on?
‐It's an emergency.
Get me the talcum powder!


Who you tappin'?


What? My man Larry David
re‐tappin' that ass!



‐(Cheryl coughing)
‐(Larry coughing)

(huffing, coughing)

(Cheryl gasps)
Did you powder down there?

‐No good?
‐(coughs) I'm allergic.

Oh! Oh, my God.

‐Oh, my God.

‐Oh, my God.

‐Oh! Call 9‐1‐1!


Hey. Jesus, slow down.

‐What happened?
‐Oh, she, uh, swallowed
some talcum powder,

and is having
an allergic reaction to it.

Did she ingest anything else?


Kind of a personal question,
don't you think?

So sorry!

Oh, my God.
You look so much better.

‐Do I?
‐Oh. (stammering)
Are you kidding?

I couldn't even
look at you before.
I mean, it was...

really, like, hideous.
You looked... disgusting.

I could barely glance at you.

Yeah, because of you.

‐You're the one that

put the talcum powder‐‐
Uh, I'm allergic, and you‐‐

‐It's because of you.
‐Yeah. Yeah,
I'm sorry about that.

Yeah. But you know,
I was thinking,

if that happened
when we were married
and your face...

for some reason,
stayed that way,

what would I have done?

What do you mean
what would you have done?

Well, I mean,
could I have lived with you
looking like that?

‐You're such an asshole.
‐(both laughing)

You are such... I mean, I'm,
I'm fighting for my life,

and this is what you're...

What are you guys doing here?

What are you‐‐
What are you doing here?

Randi had contractions,

She's walking around the halls
trying to induce,

'cause nothing's happening,
so I thought I'd come
and keep her company.

‐Randi's here?
‐Yeah. Cheryl, what happened?

‐She got stung by a wasp.
‐I had an allergic reaction
to shellfish.


I knew it.
I knew something was
going on with you two.

I could smell it.

That night at our house.
The ventriloquist.

He drove you home.
Something's been going on here.

I knew it. I knew it!


‐Bravo, Poirot.
‐(phone chimes)

Oh, no. Hey.

‐Ted is in the garage.
‐Larry: What?

‐He's on his way up.
‐Larry: What?

You‐‐ You can't be here.

You better leave.
You better leave, Larry.

How does he‐‐
How does he know
you're in the hospital?

Because he just flew in
from San Francisco

and he texted me
when he landed. I...

Because he's her
significant other,

and you're her
significant nothing!

‐Just keep your
fuckin' trap shut!
‐Susie: Go!


‐(Larry grunts)

‐(Larry grunts)
‐Doctor: Just slow down!

‐Excuse me, sir!
‐(Larry grunts)

(Larry and Randi shriek)

‐Larry: Oh! Oh, my God!


Are you fucking kidding me,
you piece of shit?

Okay, if anything
happens to this baby,

it's gonna be your fault.

Oh, please.
After what that fetus
has been through,

this'll be a day
at the beach.

Happy New Year!

(theme music playing)

It's a coffee place.

I'm opening up a spite store
to take him out of business.

I don't know what a spite store
is and I don't really care.


Can I give you a little tip?

If you're gonna
confront somebody,

better to do it with pants on.

The shorts...

It's hard to take a person
seriously wearing shorts.

I wanna give you a heads up.

Susie's birthday's
in about a week.

I already got her something.
It's gonna be a nice surprise.

What is it?

What were you thinking?

I'm done with presents!

My birthday's coming up
in a month.

‐What are you getting me?!

‐Oh, thank you!
‐You're welcome!