Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Mary, Joseph and Larry - full transcript

It's December 23rd, and Larry gets up to get a midnight snack. He eats some cookies in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, those cookies were a nativity scene that Cheryl's devoutly religious ...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Hey, Larry.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Okay.

Hey, listen, is this true?

Did I hear that you were
at the U2 concert last night?

I got to tell you, man,
I been thinking about that

- and I can't see you there.
- My wife dragged me there.

- She had these tickets...
- Uh-huh.

So I did it as
a favor to my wife.

It's a little
embarrassing to me.

Don't be embarrassed.
You like to rock and roll.

How'd you know
I was at the U2 concert?

Well, you know Marge,
at the front.

She called to confirm
your appointment,

your housekeeper told her
that you had been there.

My housekeeper told Marge
I was at the U2 concert?

That's what...
apparently, yeah.

Yeah. I didn't know you were
into the rock and roll thing.

I'm not. You know,
I don't like the idea

that everything I do
people are finding out about

through my housekeeper,
that's all.

Hey, I don't know
what else you did yesterday.

That's the only thing
I know about yesterday.

Well, don't mention to anybody
that I was at the U2 concert,

- if you can.
- All right.

Let's move past that.
What do we got going on here?

I have something
stuck in my throat.

- Let me see.
- I got a...

I got a pubic hair.

You got a pubic hair
in your throat?

- Yeah...
- All right, hey.

Well, let's take
a look at it then.

That's not
that unusual.

I got people in here all the time
with stuff stuck in their throat.

between you and me,

it's not something
I do that often...

You know what?
Don't even need to know the schedule.

- I know, I'm just...
- Let's just take...

Up, open for me.
There it is.

Yeah, I see it.
I see it back there.

It's pretty far back,
and it's kind of...

it's kind of wrapped
itself around.

So... I can get it
if you want me to.

I'll tell you now,

it's gonna be a little painful for you.
It's gonna hurt.

Frankly, it's gonna hurt.
There is the other alternative,

which is...
kind of flush it out.

Take some liquids and it will flush out.
Three days at the most.

Jesus, it's stuck in there
and it's scratching me.

I just feel like I can get it up
but I can't.

I know, your choice.
Happy to go in and get it if you'd like.

Or you can let it
come on out by itself.

What do you think?

- Fine, I'll just wait.
- Okay, little advice?

- Yeah?
- Whatever happened,

stay away from that
for a couple of days.

Don't worry. I'll be staying away
from it for a while.

Very good.
All right, always good to see you.

- All right, good to see you.
- All right.

- Rock on.
- All right.

- Okay? All right.
- Okay, thank you.

How did your
doctor's appointment go?

I got about another two days
with this thing.

He looked at it and says
it will go away by itself.

Listen, Larry, we have a lot to do
before my parents get here.

What's there to do?

We need to do
all their Christmas shopping,

and we need to get a Christmas tree.
We've got to get...

Hold it,
hold it, hold it.

What are you saying?
Christmas tree?

Yeah, we're gonna
pick out a Christmas tree

and have it set up.

We're getting
a Christmas tree?

My parents are coming.
We're celebrating Christmas.

Is that
a surprise to you?

Give me a break on the tree.
Do we have to do that?

Of course we do.
It's Christmas.

It's too weird, man.
Come on, that is just too weird.

No, listen, man,
you're gonna like it.

I'm a Jew. To have a tree in the house,
it's bad luck.

You know,
my guy might not...

may think I'm switching or something.
He might not understand.

I think your guy is gonna be
fine with it. Don't you want my...

I'm sorry.

Did you tip anybody yet
for Christmas?

- No, no.
- Huh?

- You're gonna take care of that?
- I'll take care of that.

Then I got to go get Jeff,
we're gonna go to the club

and tip everybody there.
There's no end to it with this holiday.

But you know what?
It's gonna make you feel good.

All right,
I'll see you later, okay?

What should I give...
ah, you don't know...

Hey, Dora?

Could you do me
a favor, okay?

When people
call and ask for me,

could you please
just not tell them where I am?

- Okay.
- Even the doctor's office called up,

and you told them
I went to a U2 concert, you know?


I don't like people
knowing where I go.

- Okay, okay.
- Just say I'm not home.

- "Not home."
- Okay, can you do that?

- Not home.
- Yeah.

- Mr. Larry not home. Okay, okay.
- Yes, exactly. Thank you.

And here's
a little...

little Christmas
thing for you.

Oh, okay.

- Here you go.
- Gracias.

- Merry Christmas to you.
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Larry, thank you.

- All right.
- You enjoy.

You too.

Bye-bye, Mr. Larry.

- Oh, Carlos.
- Oh, Se?or Larry.

How's the gardening?

- Oh, it's good.
- Gardening's good?

- Gardening's good.
- It's good gardening, isn't it?

- It's good gardening.
- Yeah, it's good.

- Oh, gardening good, s?.
- Yeah. Carlos,

I have a little something
for you for Christmas.

- Feliz navidad.
- Gracias.

Usted eres muy amable.
Very kind.

You know what?

You can use
the "t?" form with me.

- "T?"?
- "Usted's" a little formal for us.

- Why don't we use the "t?" form?
- Gracias, jefe, gracias.

- Is that okay?
- Oh, s?.

Informal "t?", between us,
we don't need "usted."

T?, yo.

- Feliz navidad.
- Feliz navidad... a t?.


So I heard that you
were at the...

U2 concert.

My wife dragged me to the concert.
So big deal.

Do you know anyone
in the band?

Well, yeah, I know
the lead singer.

- What's his name?
- I know his name.

- You don't know his name.
- Hey, asshole, I know his name.

- You don't know his name.
- Do you want to bet?

- 100 bucks.
- Okay, his name's B-o-n-o.

You got to
pronounce it.

I don't know how
to pronounce it.

I don't know if it's "Sonny Bo-no,"
or Bon-no.

It's Bon-no.
But, you know what?

Because you spelled it, it's a draw.
I don't owe you anything.

- Even, okay?
- Who told you, by the way?


I called the house
and she told me.

That is unbelievable.
I just spoke to her about that.

My doctor knows,
now you know.

She told the doctor
the same thing.

Well, you need
to talk with your maid.

Well, if you come over my house
in a couple of days,

you'll see a
Christmas tree there.


Cheryl's parents are coming.
She wants a tree.

- It's not gonna end there.
- I've never had a tree in my life.

- It's a little unsettling, you know?
- It's unsettling.

Nothing worse
than Jews with trees.

- At least your wife's not Jewish.
- My wife's not Jewish, yeah.

- But those couples?
- Two Jews getting trees?

They can't let them
have their holiday.

We have to horn in
on their holiday.

- Do we have to get in on it?
- It makes me crazy. Yeah.

They can't just let them
have their holiday.

Listen to me, listen to me.
Susie's on her way up right now, okay?

A couple weeks ago,
she went out of town,

I made a phone call
about 2:00 in the morning,

to a friend, woman... platonic.
Okay? Nothing going on.

But she found the phone bill.
I told her it was you, okay?

I said you got
in a fight with Cheryl,

you slept over, and then you made
the phone call, okay?

- Wow, what a wild story.
- I don't think it's that bad.

- It's good.
- It's pretty good.

- I do think it's good.
- Well, thank you.

How come you didn't
tell her the truth?

Hey, 10 p.m. is the cut-off
for platonic friends.

After 10 p.m.,
it gets weird.

Hi honey. Oh, Larry,
I didn't know you were here.

- I forgot you were coming.
- How are you, sweetheart?

- What a surprise.
- Good to see you.

- It's so great when you come.
- Aw, here's the keys.

- Thank you.
- So...

What the fuck
is your problem?

What's the matter with him?
What are you doing?

No, no, I got something
stuck in my throat.

Have some water.

Hey, by the way,
do I owe you any money

for some of those phone calls
that I made last...

Oh, no. You were in a bad place,
it's my pleasure.

- I know I ran up a bill.
- It's my pleasure.

Who are you calling at 2:00 a.m.
from my house, Larry?

What was that about?

I was calling
my housekeeper Dora.

Wait a minute.
You have a fight with Cheryl,

you sleep at my house, and at 2:00 a.m.
you call your housekeeper?

Yeah. She was gonna quit,
it was a whole huge thing.

She's having big problems
with Cheryl.

Cheryl can't find anything.
She couldn't find her pajamas.

She yelled at her. She was gonna quit...
I had to talk her out of quitting.

At 2:00 in the morning,

She was quitting the next day.
I had to, yeah.

You're lying,
or you're lying.

One of you two assholes
is lying, I just don't know which one.

- We're not lying.
- Yeah, you are.

- No, we're not.
- No, we're not.

I don't believe you.

- It's true.
- It's true.

Please, I have things
to do, okay?

All right, let's go to the club
and do some tipping.

Merry Christmas.

A merry Christmas to you, my friend.
Thank you for everything.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.
Very nice.

Merry Christmas.

- That was great.
- How'd you do?

Oh, beautiful.
It felt good, they're all happy.

What's the matter?

did I tip him...?

I think I tipped
that guy twice.

- No.
- Yeah.

No, that's ridiculous,
he would've said something.

I'm not sure about that.
You know what?

I was just going around
tipping everybody,

And I got...

- I tipped him twice.
- Really?

Yeah, 'cause
I got confused.

Why wouldn't he say
something to you?

'Cause he makes twice as much money.
What do you mean, why?

Well, it's just...
you know...

It's a little awkward,

but, you know, I was going around
giving out my Christmas...

Yeah, well, that was very nice.
Thank you so much.

You're very welcome,
but I'm sure

you're not
aware of this,

but I think I inadvertently
tipped you twice.

No, no, you came up

and you said
"Merry Christmas,"

and you gave me some money,
which was very nice,

- and then you walked on.
- Yeah, and I did that twice.

- No, no, you did it once.
- Well...

it was twice.

I'm sure you
didn't realize it.

No, I would have realized it,
if it had happened.

But since
it didn't happen...

So you're saying
I only tipped you once?


Do you want your
first tip back?

- No, Um-mm.
- Okay.

I'd like
my second tip back.

There was
no second tip.


A big gold ball there...

- Here, yeah
- That's perfect.

You've got your gold triangle.

I'm gonna put this one
right in here... Larry, hi.

- Hi, Larry.
- Look, Merry Christmas.

You're here.
What do you think, you like it?

- It's kind of big, isn't it?
- Yeah, it's a big one.

- Grab a ball.
- Just make a hook. I'll show you.

- Make a hook.
- No, maybe later.

It's like, the biggest thing
I've ever seen.

The bigger the better.

Cheryl's in the kitchen,
by the way, with Becky.

Yeah, they're baking.
They're baking cookies.

Oh, how wonderful.

So did you finish
your Christmas shopping yet?

No, not quite.

What'd you get Cheryl?
You can tell me.

You know what? I think I'm gonna
give her my grandfather's tallis.

- Tallis, what's a tallis?
- I don't know that.

- It's like a scarf.
- Oh, he's getting her a scarf.

She loves scarves.
Is that all?


Got something
caught in your throat?

Grape stem.


Oh, yeah.

Well, here,
have some...

That's okay.

Oh, this doesn't
have a hook.

- Hi, Becky.
- How are you?

- Good.
- Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays.
- How are you?

- Okay.
- Hello, darling.

Honey, why can't you
wear the scarf

that Dora gave you
for your birthday?

You know,
the red one?

Because it itches me.
It's itchy.

Well, she brought it
up to me today.

She just feels
like you don't care

that she gave you
this lovely present.

Then she told me
that you yelled at her

for telling people
where you go.

I didn't yell at her,
we had a talk,

because my doctor had heard
that I went to the U2 concert.

You went
to the U2 concert?

She dragged me to the concert.
So I went, what's the big deal?

Okay. And listen,
she's upset

because you tipped Carlos
twice as much as you tipped her.

What, are you crazy?
I didn't do that.

- You tipped our gardener twice.
- That's really in poor form.

- You can't do that.
- He's lying, like the waiter.

- At the club.
- What waiter?

I gave the waiter a tip twice,
'cause I didn't remember...

- Why are you doing that?
- I was going around tipping everybody.

I didn't know who to tip and who not.
I forgot who I tipped,

- so I tipped him twice.
- You know what you should do?

You should take her
to lunch at the club.

That is a really
good idea.

Treat her to a very nice lunch.

Everything she says
you go along with?

I would like it if you took me
to lunch is all I'm saying.

You can disagree
with her once.

She happens to think
that I'm right most of the time.

Do you really think
I should take her to lunch?

Oh, honey,
it would mean so much to her.

I'll take her to lunch.

I think
that's wonderful.

- Nice tree, by the way.
- Thank you.

- Carlos.
- Oh, Se?or Larry.

Carlos, let me ask you something.
Did you tell Dora

that you got a bigger
Christmas bonus than her?


'Cause she told my wife
that you said that.

No, se?or.

Why would she make up
something like that?

No s?.

Don't you
find that curious?

No, se?or.

You know
what I love?

I love
how you know

when we're gonna
run out of soy milk.

You anticipate it, and then
you put a new one in the refrigerator,

so there's always
a cold one in there.

- I notice that.
- Okay, Mr. Larry.

You're a good folder.

Very good folder.

with the t-shirts.

There's a little kind of thing
you do at the end...

you flip them over,

the arms, they get,
like, flipped over

like a little penguin.


I see that,
I notice the folding.

The toilet paper...

Okay, let's discuss
the toilet paper.

I am never in that bathroom
looking at cardboard.

As soon as it runs out,
you've got the new roll.

I'm never
running out of there

with my pants at my ankles
screaming, "More toilet paper!"

You know?
What else, what else do you do?

Toilet paper...


soy milk.

Your sponge replacement's
not so hot...

if I can speak frankly.

Okay, Mr. Larry.

- Finished?
- No, no.


Se?orita, algo m?s?

No, gracias.
Muy amable.

Oye, ? qu? haces
con el viejo este, eh?

Pues ah? trabajo
en su casa, f?jense.

- Ay, qu? pena.
- No me pagan mucho.

No, claro que no.
Mira, si te regala algo,

- dale un recibo.
- ? S??

What was...
what was that all about?


- Hi.
- Hi. Greene.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Oh, Larry's here.
Hi, Lar.

- Looky, looky.
- Hey, hi, Sammy.

Hi, Larry.

- Susie.
- Hi.

I'd like you to meet Dora,
my housekeeper.

- Hello.
- This is your housekeeper, Dora?

Oh, all right,
all right, look.

All right. I made a mistake,
I'm sorry, I apologize.

- You sure did.
- I apologize profusely to both of you.

Maybe next time
you won't jump down my throat.

- I was thinking crazy things.
- You insulted me, my friend...

I know, but I thought
you were talking to a woman.

- Larry, I'm so sorry.
- Frankly, I was pretty insulted.

- Jeff.
- Hey, Chris, how you doing?

- Pretty darn good.
- Good to see you.

- Larry.
- Christopher. Where's that 20 bucks?

- Oh, God, you're right.
- You seem like such a lovely woman.

I don't know why
Cheryl doesn't like you.

I'm sure it has nothing to do
with your work.

I'm sure your work is terrific,
'cause I've seen the house...

Is this the best

- What are the odds?
- I know, what are the odds?

What are the odds? This is unbelievable.
I can't believe it.

You are hungry?
We'll get Daddy.

- Honey, Sammy's hungry.
- Okay, let's go.

- Good, come on, Sammy.
- And Lar, again...

I apologize.

- We all make mistakes.
- I know.

Something wrong?

Is it the sponge thing?

O come, all ye faithful

Joyful and triumphant

O come ye,
O come ye

To Bethlehem

Come and behold Him

Born the king
of angels

O come let us
adore Him

O come
let us adore Him

O come
let us adore Him

Christ the Lord

Yea Lord,
we greet Thee

this happy morning

Jesus to Thee
be all glory...

- Come on.
- Hey, Larry, join us.

- I don't think so. Thank you.
- The words are right here.

We got them off the Internet, Larry.
They're a little different.

How much longer do you think
the caroling's gonna go on tonight?

- Whenever.
- We don't know.

Larry, can I see you
for a second?


O come
let us adore Him

O come let us
adore Him...

- What's up?
- Well, Dora quit.

- What?
- Yeah, I asked her why,

and she said Susie Greene
told her that I don't like her.

So I just
talked to Susie,

- To find out what exactly was going on.
- Oh, for God's sake...

Susie tells me
this story

about us getting
in a fight...

and you're spending
the night over there,

and you're
calling Dora.

And I told Susie
that you and Jeff are full of shit.

The little Lord Jesus

Laid down
His sweet head

The stars
in the sky

Looked down
where He lay

The little
Lord Jesus

Asleep in the hay.


- Larry!
- What?

- What?
- What happened to the cookies?

- What?
- The cookies!

The cookies
from last night?

- Yeah.
- What? I ate them.

You ate them?

They were for
the manger scene.

You ate the baby Jesus
and his mother Mary.

- I thought they were animal cookies.
- Animal cookies?

- Are you kidding?
- Jesus Christ is not an animal!

I thought
he was a monkey.

- A monkey?
- Oh, please!

- The Son of God was a monkey?
- We worked all day on those cookies.

- I'm sorry.
- You didn't see the "hay"?

The toasted coconut was hay.
The barn?

I thought that was
all part of the zoo.

Why would we have a zoo
on Christmas Day?! Okay...

You know what?
I'll make it up to you.

How are you gonna
make it up to us?

- You swallowed our Lord and Savior.
- I'll make it up.

- I'll get another manger scene.
- Yeah? Where?

Nothing's open.
It's Christmas.

Okay, we're going
to go visit our cousin.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry,
I'll make it up to you.

Oh my God.

You'd better
look into that.

You lying piece of shit!
Out of my house!

- Why?
- Out of my house!

- I didn't lie.
- Oh, you lied.

- I didn't lie!
- And wait till I get my hands

on that goddamn Larry David,
the four-eyed fuck.

I'll kill him!

We are humble,
simple people.

I know you
have traveled far.

Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second?

- Just continue.
- How you doing?


Let me ask you a question.

How can I go about...

renting one of these
manger groups?

Renting? We're a volunteer group
with the church.

- So...
- I'm kind of in a bind.

It's Christmas Day,
we have no manger scene.

- Is it a manger scene?
- A Nativity, certainly.

We don't have a Nativity scene
in my house. We had one, but I ate it.

There were cookies, and...

is there any way
that I could,

get your group
to go to my house?

- Today?
- Yes.

- Oh, it's Christmas. Wow.
- Yeah, I know.

Just for a couple of hours.
Like, three, four hours.

Oh, I see. Well, actually,
we do have a break coming up.

We could probably
see our way to your home.

You know, obviously we would
work something out.

Oh, great, a donation for the church
would be a capital thing.

- Fine, a donation.
- Great, yes.


Well, we'd have to
maybe discuss the donation.

Whatever you think is fair.
What do you think is fair?

Huh, I don't really want to say,
but I guess I'm forced to.


And a meal of course, because
we're about to have a lunch.

I don't really cook.
It would have to be take-out, you know.

That's fine.

Okay, $500, fine.
I'll give you $500.

And the meal.
I don't mean to push.

Which one are you?

- I'm "Joseph."
- Joseph, Larry.

- Hello, Larry.
- Hi, nice to meet you.


- So yeah, I just...
- That's "Mary" over there.

That would be Mary of course,
the Mother of God.

Okay, great.
You can put all this junk on a trailer?

It's not junk,
but we do put it in the trailer.

It all fits in there.
It's very convenient.

Well, this is fantastic.

- Works out for everybody.
- I'm so thrilled about this.

I was in a bind, and you
really helped me out, Joseph.

I'm glad I could do that.
It's a pleasure.

- We'll need directions to your home.
- Yes, of course, yeah.

- Find out where we put the manger...
- Joseph?

- Hello, sir.
- Hello.

Boy, that was fast.

Yes, well, the excellent
directions didn't hurt.

- That always helps, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does.

Look at that. You packed that manger
in five minutes and you're off.

Yeah, we all have an assigned job,
we pitch in.

Too bad you don't have
this Christmas all year round, huh?

You'd make a
pretty good living.

Actually we do
a Passion Play on Easter.

And around 4th of July we do
hobo revolutionaries.

And sometimes
in November we'll do an equinox.

Okay. I thought
we would...

set up around here,
in this area.

Excellent choice.
I was thinking the same myself.

- Does that work for you?
- Yes, sir.

Okay, beautiful.

- Hi, Mary.
- Hi.

- Oh, look at the little baby.
- Yes. We've all arrived.

All right, you got little Jesus
and the whole troupe.

- All right, very good.
- We'll set right up, in short order.

- Let me know if you need anything.
- Very good, sir, thank you.


A nice man, good host.
All right, let's get to it, then.

This is fantastic.
Look at this.

- This is great, I love this.
- Thank you.

They're gonna be so thrilled
when they come home.

Thank you, Joseph.
Thank you, Mary,


- It's our pleasure.
- Joseph, let me ask you something.


You mentioned something about
some interest in food a little earlier.

We did talk
about a meal, yes.

You want me to get a take-out thing
for you happening?

- That's fine.
- Chinese, deli? What do you like, Joey?

- Yes, yes.
- Yes to both?

- Yes to both.
- You want both?

That would be fantastic,
thank you.

I guess you build a big appetite
standing out here doing nothing, huh?

- More than you'd think, yes.
- Huh, interesting.

All right, I'll get you
a little orange chicken?

- Oh, yeah, sounds wonderful.
- Does that sound good?

But you got to be careful.
They got a lot of hot peppers in there.

- Don't eat the peppers.
- I like the peppers.

- You like the peppers?
- I have the tongue for it, yes.

- Joseph likes the peppers.
- Yes, I do. I confess.

All right, very good.
Hey, Joseph, let me ask you a question.

Are you okay?

I got a pubic hair
stuck in my throat.

Oh... that's

I can't get rid of this thing.
It's killing me.

It's driving me nuts, Joseph.
Driving me nuts.

I'm not interested
in your personal...

Oh, boy. That Mary,
by the way, has quite the bod.


Come on, Joey,
between you and me...

you and Mary? You don't feel like it
every now and then?

- What do you do?
- No. You know what? We're leaving.

That's it, let's pack it up.
We're leaving!

- What? Come on, Joe.
- I'm not going to stand for this!

Don't "Joe" me, we're leaving.
You will take it back.

- Get your hands off me!
- You stand right here and take it back!

- Gentlemen, please!
- Take it back!

- Kill him, Joseph, kill him!
- Shut up, Mary!

Get off me!

Wait a second.

The pubic hair.

It's out!