Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Episode #11.7 - full transcript
"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
Once in a lifetime,
a politician comes along
who's not a politician,
who's a person
who cares about our community.
And that man is here
with us today.
Please welcome the next mayor
of Santa Monica, Jimmy Mayhew!
Thank you for that very nice
introduction, Susie.
You know, you can sit here,
but you can't go to Broadway
when I'm selling out
show after show for ten weeks.
We have
an obligation imbalance, okay?
'Cause I don't do anything
to invite you to,
but you do things
to invite me to.
I offered you...
I offered you opera seats.
You mean up there on the side,
looking down?
- The Prince Charles?
- Exactly, Mussolini's view.
The Mussolini view?
Yeah, those are good.
No, I said, "Myoo-solini."
You said, "Muss-olini."
No, it's not "Myoo-solini"
like "muesli."
- It's not like a cereal.
- No, it's like... I, I compare...
I confuse it with Mucilex.
I take that for my coughs.
Now, as a resident
of Santa Monica,
I wanna give everyone
in Santa Monica
the ability to achieve
higher education.
You never call me.
You always pick the restaurants.
What are you... What are you...
Are we married? I don't...
I don't understand.
Am I dating you?
You hate people.
- I do. So what?
- Your wardrobe sucks.
My wardrobe? You're talking
about my wardrobe?
- Yeah, put this wardrobe down.
- Look! Look at you.
- I'm one of the best-dressed...
- You're the worst...
- ...comics that ever lived.
- ...you're the worst-dressed person I've ever seen.
This? You're comparing this...
I can't even look at you.
I get depressed.
When are you gonna die?
Will you just...
- Will you, will you please die?
- Don't hex my... Don't hex my...
As you know, we have
an election coming up.
And the incumbent,
Jay Reimenschneider,
entered the office of mayor
with great aspirations,
but he failed to deliver
for the people of Santa Monica.
- I will not fail. I have many goals...
- Hey.
That's the guy who's in, uh,
my new show.
Young Larry. He's playing me,
when I was in my 20s.
Hey.
- Hmm?
- Would you mind tapping him?
- Would you tap him?
- No.
- Excuse me, could you...
- What?
Just tap him on the shoulder.
I wanna...
I wanna get his attention
for a second.
Maybe he does
not want to be tapped.
- Believe me, he wants to be tapped.
- No.
And if he knew that I was here,
- trying to tap him and unable to tap him...
- I am not gonna tap him!
- ...he'd be upset.
- I do not like being tapped,
and I will not tap a stranger.
Could you two please be quiet?
- Why don't you be quiet?
- Hey.
You two have been talking,
and talking,
- and talking, and talking. Stop!
- Okay, you're the one talking.
- I'm... You're talking.
- You're talking. You're talking.
- No, you're talking.
- You're talking.
No, you're talking,
and you keep talking!
Where'd you
get that dress anyway,
at a substitute teacher
designer warehouse?
Just... just stop. You know,
you mid-level celebrities,
you think you're so smart
with all your banter.
- Just stop!
- Shh!
They won't shut up.
Health and safety
are the cornerstones
of a great democracy.
They are the foundation
of the house
where the American dream lives.
And to me,
the American dream means that every person...
Don't tap me again.
If you touch me again...
Don't worry, turn around.
- Don't touch me again.
- I'm not touching you.
- Turn around!
- I wanna work for you.
I need your vote.
Thank you.
♪
- Larry!
- Asa!
Asa, soon to be, uh,
soon to be young Larry.
Soon to be young Larry, yeah.
I am so excited
for the table read.
- Table read tomorrow. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
And I got you...
Why don't you take a pin?
Oh, no, no, I don't wear pins.
No? But you might change
one person's mind,
and how incredible
would that be, Larry?
Let me ask you a question.
You see somebody
in a hat that says,
"St. Petersburg, Florida,"
do you wanna go there?
- As artists...
- As what?
...we have an obligation.
Let me tell you something.
Non-pros, there's nothing
they love more
than when actors tell them
what they think.
Wow.
What a mouthful.
Well, but it's really great
running into you, you know?
- Yeah, good to see ya.
- All right.
And if there's anything
I can tell you about myself,
feel free to ask.
- I'm an open book.
- Well, okay.
An open bad book,
that after ten pages
- you'll put down, okay?
- All right.
Hey, you forgot
your pin, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. I'll... I'll pick it
up later. Leave it.
- I thought you did well.
- Yes.
But can I just say a word
to you, that's important to me?
You know, we've always had
possums and coyotes, but...
Hey. The hell was that?
- The disruptive behavior?
- Ah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was just trying
to get in touch with
the guy sitting
two rows in front of me.
That woman, who is she?
In the maroon?
She's just the worst.
Irma Kostroski.
She's a city councilwoman,
very powerful.
The most hideous...
- disagreeable person.
- Right? I know.
- I know.
- Oh, she's just awful. Ugh!
I'm friends with her daughter,
who's lovely, but...
She's repugnant.
Yeah, well, go mingle.
Maybe you'll meet a nice woman.
- By the way, great job here.
- Thank you.
- And your speech was terrific.
- I worked hard. Thank you, Lar.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
...education, compost,
that's very important.
You're not living
with him. Under no circumstances
- are you living with him!
- Yeah, that's what you think.
I don't understand this.
Who lives with
his 75-year-old uncle?
- I do.
- Why can't you be normal?
I'm perfectly normal.
Marcia, am I normal?
My mother thinks you're mental!
Really?
Yes. She told me!
Why are you telling me?
Well, why not?
Uh, you're not living
with Moe.
Just try a little dark meat.
- Why don't you all...
- Why don't you all... Oh.
- That's my line.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Why don't you all just mind
your own goddamn business?
He's my son. He's my business.
Well, why don't we get
some other opinions, okay?
Marcia, do you think
it's her business?
I've seen the apartment,
and it's really nice.
And I'm sure I'll be spending
a lot of time there.
So you can see why...
this is a toughie.
♪ Ah, you... I've had enough.
Look at
the mess you've made.
- Ah, go to hell, Rosie.
- No, you go.
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
What'd I tell you
about Ted Danson, huh?
- Yeah, you were right, yeah.
- A real mechayeh.
- I mean, that guy is just...
- He's what? What's that?
- He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure.
- Oh, "pleasure."
- He's a pleasure, yeah.
- On-screen, off-screen, he's the best.
Listen,
I wanna talk to you, uh...
I... I know
what you're gonna say.
Okay. I saw the tape.
It was like night and day.
Like, how...
Wha... what happened to her?
Well, some people aren't good
at read-throughs.
She was nervous...
Once she starts rehearsing,
she'll be different.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll fix it.
- Yeah, I trust you.
All right, fellas, let's go.
The script is great, by the way.
- Oh, thanks. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy.
- What the fuck is that?
What are we gonna do?
- Do you have any ideas?
- Yeah. Shoot her.
Oh!
- Hey.
- Wow.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
Got something I wanna run by ya.
Hey, put this on my chair.
- Yeah.
- Okay. What's up?
Something's really been
weighing me down.
Really?
- Yeah, I mean...
- What's going on?
I'm having
a really difficult time.
I had a props guy pull the mugs.
Uh-huh.
You see what
I'm dealing with here?
I mean, what lackluster
assortment we got going on here.
They're mugs.
What's wrong with them?
I feel these mugs,
they're not true.
I've been spending
a lot of time as Larry.
You know, and I feel like
I know him more intimately
than anybody, and see,
I just think
coffee was a really
important thing for you.
It wasn't important at all, Asa!
Please, um, would you mind
calling me Larry?
Okay. It wasn't important
at all, Larry.
- I'm an actor, okay? You know?
- Yeah.
If anything rings
as disingenuous, you know,
I can't fake it.
I can't pretend.
Isn't that what actors do?
They fake it?
Well, I think
Stella Adler would, uh, beg to differ.
Look, look at this.
This isn't a real deli.
- This is a fake deli, okay?
- Yeah, um, well,
you know, I did a play
my junior year...
- Okay, spare me.
- Yeah.
You know what? We'll, um...
- Larry...
- Thank you, Larry.
I will talk to Stan.
We'll have five new cups
for you tomorrow.
- Thank you, Larry.
- You're welcome, Larry.
- All right. Good to see you.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Good talking to you, Larry.
- Yeah, you too, Larry.
- Okay.
- Really, Larry?
- Did you catch this?
- Oh, I did.
- Yeah.
- Can you believe that kid?
- Yeah.
He's rejecting everything
I'm putting in front of him.
He's the biggest mug here,
if you ask me.
Well...
maybe we need
to cut him some slack?
I heard something. I don't know
if it's true or not,
but somebody told me
that he was sexually abused...
- Oh.
- ...as a young actor
when he was, like,
17 or something, so...
Okay.
So, Stan,
I know it's a pain in the ass.
Uh, you know, get...
get five more.
Right. I'll get five more
for little prick Larry.
And if he rejects those...
I can tell you
where it'll end up.
We're drawing
a line there, okay?
All right, Stan. Okay.
♪ Thanks, Larry. Please.
Unequivocally, the worst acting
I've ever seen. Ever!
Who talks that way?
Every sentence
is... is different.
Like, one sentence isn't
attached to the one before.
Did you notice that?
Lilly Collins's manager,
you know, really...
They were
really interested in this.
- She was?
- Yeah.
You shouldn't have
even told me that.
- You know, what... what good did that do?
- That can't help. Yeah.
- It does no good at all.
- None. No.
- That was wrong of me.
- Hey, Lar.
- Hey!
- What'd you think of Mayhew
the other day, huh?
Fantastic, isn't he?
- He was all right.
- All right?
The man's gonna be
president, Larry.
- Trust me.
- President?
- Yes.
- Susie, that's...
- That's a little much, isn't it?
- He's very impressive.
You should get in,
and get in good with him.
Why don't you canvass?
- I should do what?
- Larry, you could do
- some canvassing with Susie.
- Canvassing?
- Yeah!
- Knocking on doors?
- Yeah.
- Are you out of your mind?
What am I,
a Fuller Brush salesman?
And you don't change
anybody's mind anyway.
Hey, you got
the basketball package, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. You know,
he's gonna make
a difference in this city.
- You think so?
- He's gonna get the city council
to repeal that... that ordinance
- that people can have chicken coops in their backyard.
- Where'd you get that idea from?
- He's gonna repeal it?
- Well, he's gonna try to get the votes.
- Repeal?
- What was that?
He promised me the other day,
he was gonna get
the city council
- to repeal the ordinance.
- You're saying the...
the city council can repeal
laws, uh, and ordinances?
They make the law,
they can repeal the law.
It's just a matter of votes.
They gotta get the votes.
What was the name
of that horrible, horrible,
obnoxious woman who was sitting
in front of me?
- The councilwoman, yeah.
- Irma, Irma Kostroski.
Irma Kostroski.
♪
Hmm. Divorced.
I think we need to implement
and enhance some of these
safety protocols at the Pier
and Palisades Park.
Especially for our
staff and, um... - Seniors.
- And seniors, yes.
- Seniors! It's a...
- Yes.
- It's like a dance with death
with those scooters
for the seniors.
Yes, yes. And the ramp.
- That's right.
- Hey, Simon!
- The ramp.
- Ramps.
- We have to talk about ramps.
- I am marking that down.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, let's put that up to a vote.
All in favor?
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Ayes have it.
Fantastic. We will put that
on our schedule
and try to set up a time to, uh,
try to decide on the appointment
of those three members
of that committee.
Fantastic. Uh, this was
a very productive meeting.
I thank you all for your time.
Uh, meeting is adjourned.
Excuse me.
- Do you remember me?
- Yes, I do.
I'm Larry David.
I just wanna apologize
for my behavior
at the fundraiser,
asking you to tap someone, uh...
And you... you poked me.
Yeah. I'm really sorry
about that, and, uh...
- It was disrespectful to Jimmy Mayhew.
- Disrespectful, and very rude.
- Yes.
- Of course, all you had to do was just, you know,
touch the person
in front of you, but yeah...
- Needless to say, it...
- I...
It doesn't matter. I was wrong.
Thank you
for taking responsibility.
- Yes. And, uh, by the way.
- Yeah?
This was very enjoyable,
this meeting.
Have you ever thought about
maybe running for, uh, senator,
or congresswoman? Uh, no?
What about a congresswoman?
I don't wanna move to D.C.
- Too cold.
- Ah, yeah.
But anyway, I have to go.
I gotta supervise a re-recording
of an earthquake emergency
announcement.
Boy, oh, boy.
You're doing great, great work.
And, uh, we the people are...
are appreciative,
- Ms. Kostroski.
- Yes. Well, call me Irma.
- Irma! What a beautiful name.
- Thank you.
Oh, but don't tell me
it's with an "E."
"Erm"? With an... No, an "I."
I have to go.
- All right. Okay.
- Yeah. I have a...
I'm so sorry.
Gas here, you know?
- I get a bubble.
- Oh, you get a bubble?
- Yeah. Larry with a "Y"?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, funny.
It wasn't meant to be funny.
I'm just checking.
- Yeah, but it was. It was funny.
- Was it?
"Larry with a 'Y.'" Yeah. Funny.
♪
Oh, boy.
Maybe the most unappealing
person I've...
- ...I've ever met. Truly.
- Wow.
It's almost like she was made
in a lab by Dr. Frankenstein.
He took the worst aspects
of ten different people
and put 'em into her.
So you gotta become the...
the groom of Frankenstein
to get rid
of this fucking actress?
Yeah.
What an appealing prospect.
Frankenstein, and then he had
the bride of Frankenstein...
I don't know if he had
any children in this shit.
How can Frankenstein have a kid?
No. Dr. Frankenstein made love
to fucking the bride
of Frankenstein,
and he had
a fucking kid, I guess.
No, that's not what happened.
Dr. Frankenstein didn't fuck
- the... the monster bride.
- How you make a woman like that
- and not tap it? How? How?
- Well, I mean, that's a good...
...that's another question.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, think about that.
- That's a good question.
- Right there. She's right there.
You made her.
- Hello.
- Hey, L.D.! It's Jimmy
- from the golf club.
- Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
Hey, so I know you have
that standing lesson on Monday,
but uh, you remember
Saul Berman?
- He had the heart attack.
- Yeah.
His widow wants to come in
for a golf lesson,
and all she can do is Monday.
And I was hoping
I could slide you over.
- She's a widow and all, so...
- Sure, I understand,
widow priority and all.
Yeah, I get it.
- Can you do Tuesday?
- Tuesday?
Not great. I mean, you know,
it's election day and...
If you got nothing else,
Tuesday, what time?
Four o'clock's all I got.
All right,
see you Tuesday. Bye.
Really hate giving up
that time slot.
Mm-hmm.
Can't a motherfucker
live a life?
- Sometimes, no.
- Eh, she's a widow.
Yeah. But that golf,
that's white man problems.
Yeah. We have golf.
You have voting.
Nope, nope, nope.
- And now, these...
- Okay.
- ...these, these...
- Perfect.
...these go in the "what were
you thinking" column.
Asa, you need to pick
a pair. We need to move on.
Nope. I can't just pick a pair.
I need to... I need to feel it.
You have 75 choices here.
Pick a pair of fucking glasses.
I'll tell you what.
Put these in the maybes.
- That's it. They're the ones, all right?
- In the maybe pile.
Is that... In the maybe pile?
- But the maybes...
- Okay, these here...
- We're gonna find 'em.
- Just give me a moment. Just give me one moment.
- Hey! We're gonna find 'em.
- One moment.
Larry, I can't do it.
Can't work with that kid.
He's driving me nuts.
You know,
like I told you, he's...
he's a fucked-up kid,
he got sexually abused, I hear...
Oh. Oh, well, about that.
I did my research,
and it turns out
that little Asa there,
when he was a 17-year-old kid,
was "taken advantage of"
by the beautiful 37-year-old
Adrianna Amante,
the Italian actress.
- Fuckin' smoke show! Stunning!
- Oh, my God.
That's the trauma?
- Yeah, apparently.
- I... I read about that.
And not only that, but he got
400 grand as a payoff.
- That was him?
- That was him. Yeah.
Formerly known as Andy.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Were you as lucky at 17,
to be taken advantage of
by a supermodel?
Yeah, right. I was traumatized
because I didn't have
- any sex at all.
- Same here.
I couldn't fucking
pay a woman to touch me!
All right.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- And take the glasses.
- Yeah.
And talk to him about
what glasses Larry would wear.
- Yeah, okay.
- Lucky little fucker.
- Hey, Larry.
- Good to see you, Larry.
Having some problems
picking out glasses?
Yeah, it's a real...
it's a conundrum.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Yeah. I mean... Yeah.
You know what, you're really
giving Stan a hard time.
You're acting like
kind of an asshole, and...
- Uh-huh.
- ...there could be a justification for it,
because I know
how traumatized you were
from that horrible incident
you had when you were 17
and sexually abused by a beautiful, luscious...
- ...voluptuous Italian movie star.
- You heard about that, huh?
Oh, my God.
I can't even imagine...
- how horrible that must've been.
- No, you can't. It was so hard.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
- How did that work exactly?
- Yeah. Well...
Did she... did she get you
in a headlock or, uh...
No, I mean, listen,
it was a mental... headlock.
- All right, cut the shit. Okay?
- Yeah.
- You were 17 years old.
- Uh-huh.
If a cactus touched your penis,
you would've been thrilled
- at that age. Okay?
- Wow! Wow. Wow.
- Yeah.
- I see what... Okay.
What if you were
in high school, huh?
- Yeah.
- And you... and you slept
with an older, famous actress,
how would people treat you?
They would've named
the high school after me.
Okay.
♪
Hello?
Is this Councilwoman
Irma Kostroski?
Yeah, it is.
This is Larry David calling.
What do you want, Larry?
I was wondering perhaps if...
you might wanna get
a cup of coffee.
Well, today I'm canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You're welcome to join me.
Ah! I, I'd love to.
I'm really looking
forward to it.
Yeah. Okay, goodbye.
Good afternoon.
My name is Irma Kostroski,
and we are here
to get this man elected
as the next mayor of
Santa Monica, it's Jimmy Mayhew.
- Wonderful candidate.
- He's pro-environment.
Loves fresh air.
He loves fresh air.
He's gonna solve
the homeless problem.
He's gonna make 'em homed.
Homed!
Where does he stand
on the issues?
You can't say "Happy New Year"
after January 7th.
- I... I don't think he...
- I like that.
Very smart. Last year I got
a Happy New Year
during Black History Month.
And, uh, what else?
No child under ten
allowed in restaurants.
- Oh, now that's awesome.
- You love that?
He's very strong
on environmental issues.
- Really? Like what?
- He respects wood.
- I like that a lot.
- Good.
A pin for you.
I might just have
to put it on right now.
- Appreciate you guys.
- Oh, one more thing.
- Yes?
- He's eliminating hand shaking.
He's my man!
A lot of the stuff
you're saying isn't true.
What, are you kidding?
He ate it up!
Yeah, well, stick to the script, okay?
- Yes?
- How do you do?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
- You know, he's for fresh air.
- He loves fresh air.
He likes
to breathe in fresh air.
- I like fresh air.
- And how about this?
He wants to get rid
of the penny.
I'm all for that. However, I'm in
the middle of a book club meeting...
- Is that Larry?
- ...but thank you so much.
- Huh?
- I hear your voice! I know it's you!
- Oh, hey.
- What're you doing here?
- Could you believe this?
- Hi.
- With Irma. Hi, Irma.
- Hey!
- How are you?
- How are you?
- Good. Nice to see you.
- You're in a book club?
- Yes.
- Why is that so surprising?
What do you think,
we don't read?
What are you reading?
- The Sound and the Fury.
- Faulkner.
- You two are reading Faulkner?
- Yes, we are. What?
Oh, is that... - Oh, you're the
only intellectual of the bunch?
What, you got
the Cliff Notes, huh?
What are you doing?
- We're canvassing.
- We're canvassing
- for Jimmy Mayhew.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Didn't you tell me the other day
that you would never canvass?
No, I wouldn't canvass with you
because you turn people off,
and I didn't...
I didn't want you to turn
people off.
- She turns people off. Yeah.
- He's doing a good job.
So you're going door to door
to strangers' homes?
- Yes. Yes.
- That's weird,
because you don't even
like people.
Well, I hate people
individually,
- but I love mankind.
- Oh, you do?
He's very interested
in local politics.
He called me, we
share similar... - I'm sorry.
- Yes?
- Did you say that Larry called you
and asked if he could volunteer?
- Irma, we should... we should really get going.
- Yes.
- We got a lot of houses to...
- He had a terrific change,
a cornerstone of our democracy.
I know that you don't care
about people,
and you don't give a shit
about politics.
Well, you know,
maybe when I was married to you,
you held me back from
the person
I really wanted to be.
What's on your...
your sweatshirt?
A pin for Mayhew.
You hate pins 'cause they make
holes in your sweater.
Well, it's a thin pin.
- Oh.
- Ah. A thin pin.
- A thin pin.
- It's a thin pin.
- Anyway, let's leave them to... to, uh, to Faulkner.
- It's what you have to do.
- Thank you.
- What's wrong with Faulkner?
Oh, yeah, you have a great interest
in turn-of-the-century Mississippi.
- I do!
- Yeah.
Well, you enjoy your book.
I don't need a club
to read a book, but...
Thank you very much
for your time.
Come along, we have to go.
We've a lot to do.
What are you doing?
- Your local politics.
- Bye-bye.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Goodbye.
Get the fuck outta here!
- Bye.
- What the hell's going on?
You can't ask to use
the bathroom.
Why? What am I
supposed to do? How long...
Listen, you never pee
when you canvass.
Good afternoon!
We are campaigning
for Jimmy Mayhew
for Santa Monica Mayor.
Larry? I'm Stan's wife!
Stan, prop master on your show.
Really? Oh, my God.
You live here?
- Yes.
- That's amazing!
Fucking rat poison!
Has to be vegan, of course.
You know how hard
they are to find in the Valley?
I'm worried sick about him.
- Gen Z!
- That's your husband?
- Yeah.
- Little shit!
He's having a lot of trouble
with a young actor on your show.
He's wanting some snack
for a scene.
- Oh, my God.
- He's got my Stanley running around
all over town
like a blue-arsed fly.
He didn't even
give me gas money!
Do you think you can come in
and have a quick word with him?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thanks, Larry.
Bloody, now it's puffs,
for fuck's sake!
Hey, Stan.
- Oh, Larry.
- Hey.
- Welcome to puff paradise.
- What's going on?
Ditch the kid, Lar.
He's had me drive all over town
- for the last two days, okay?
- Oh, Jesus.
Everything I give him,
he just rejects.
He rejected these because
he said they were too "'90s."
And he's looking
for a '70s vibe.
These ones here are too salty.
Too spicy. These?
Not vegan, or too vegan.
Too vegan? What does
too fucking vegan mean, Larry?
- He's such an asshole, Stan.
- Okay, I know, if there's anything...
- Such an asshole.
- And it's everything else.
- The pens, the cups.
- He wants the cups...
Yeah, he wants the cups
to be dolphin-friendly.
What the
fuck does that even mean, Larry?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- It's crazy!
And if he flicks his fingers
at me one more time,
I'm telling you now, man,
I'll shove those fingers
so far up his arse,
they'll pop out of his mouth
and he can use them
as a hand puppet.
- Oh, boy.
- Ridiculous.
So I have a backup, Larry.
Okay? Zero calories in these.
He's gotta love these.
Look, they look like something
from fucking Starsky and Hutch.
Seventies written
all over that, Lar.
He can't reject those.
If he turns these fuckers down,
I will fucking strangle him!
So, it turns out he did
this movie when he was 17,
- and had sex in her trailer.
- He was 17?
He claimed that he was abused,
and got
a 400,000-dollar settlement,
and now he's playing the victim!
This was his luckiest day
of his life.
- The luckiest day of his life!
- He's ungrateful.
This little motherfucker
got a piece of ass,
which is priceless.
Then he got 400,000 dollars
on top of that shit?
- Yeah.
- And the movie paid him.
He got paid three fucking times,
- and he still complains.
- Exactly.
How old were you
when you first got laid?
Fourteen years old.
- Fourteen?
- So if you were in the Boy Scouts,
you would've got
your, uh, intercourse badge.
Fuck, yeah.
My first time tapping
wasn't some
gorgeous-ass actress.
It was this lady that made
donuts and shit, donut shop.
You don't see me
coming back years later,
asking for 400,000 dollars
in donuts.
I could've.
Cream-filled, jelly.
All that shit.
I tapped the lady
that made the holes,
you understand?
Hi there. Good afternoon.
Uh, before I take your order,
I wanna let you know that
we do have a special today.
There's a fresh Maine lobster,
and there's only a few left.
- Oh!
- Drawn butter, lemon.
- I know who loves that.
- Yeah, sounds pretty, pretty,
pretty good.
I'll take one, and could you
go in and secure it for me,
so they don't get taken?
You got it. Absolutely.
I'll be right back.
Dig this, after we eat lunch,
I'm gonna go vote for the mayor,
so I don't have to wait
on all those lines after.
Oh, yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Someone
wanna come with me?
I can't. I got a golf lesson.
Berman's widow
took my time yesterday,
so I gotta do it today.
What was I gonna do?
It's the widow, right?
Mr. David, I am so sorry.
I know you were interested
in the lobster special,
but by the time I got back
to the kitchen,
we only had one order left,
so we decided to give it
to another diner.
- What? Who?
- Um, Mrs. Berman.
I don't know if you know,
she's a recent widow.
But we have a lot of other
delicious dishes... - Wait a second.
- We have a...
- That woman?
Uh, yes. Mrs. Berman,
there in the black.
That's Ruth Berman!
She's not the widow.
She's Berman's ex-wife.
They've been divorced
for ten years.
She's as much a widow
as I'm a widow.
Yeah. She took
my golf lesson yesterday
by claiming she's a widow,
- and now she's got my lobster?
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy...
- It... it's not right.
- Uh, sir...
- Oh, boy, there he goes.
He's off. This is good.
Yeah, we thought
you wouldn't come. I'm so glad...
- Ma'am?
- Larry!
- How's the lobster?
- It's wonderful.
- Oh!
- You really should try it sometime.
- So happy to hear that.
- Yeah.
- And how are you doing, Ruth?
- Actually, not really well.
- Aw. Yeah.
- This experience of losing
- the love of my life...
- Oh, yeah.
...has been the hardest thing
I've ever gone through.
- It must be so awful.
- You have no idea.
And yet you managed
to have a...
golf lesson yesterday.
Saul would've wanted me
to do that.
- Oh, absolutely.
- He loved me, Larry.
And I adored this man.
- Oh, yeah.
- You have no idea.
I'm on to you, Ruth Berman.
You're saying you're a widow to get widow privileges.
- Okay?
- I'm sorry, excuse me?
You're not a widow, okay?
You're the ex-wife
of a dead man.
- Oh, please.
- What's wrong with you?
She just lost her husband!
Oh, she lost her husband?
She lost her husband
when he caught her having
an affair
with a tennis instructor.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on! Don't...
This is very painful, Larry.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, please. What an actress!
- It's just like Saul. Oh, my...
- Give me a break!
♪
Oh, boy, look at this.
Geez.
It's ridiculous.
It's not even moving.
Yeah. I had to move
my golf lesson
or I would've been here
much earlier,
if not for this
so-called widow. "Widow"!
Thank you for voting.
- Thank you for...
- Yeah, nah, no, thanks.
- I'm good.
- Take the pin.
You know what? It makes
a hole in, in my jacket.
- It's a thin pin. Yeah.
- Thin pin? You give me that line?
- Yeah, let me show you.
- I've used that line myself.
No such thing as a thin pin,
okay? It doesn't exist.
- Thin pin.
- Didn't hurt.
- You happy?
- Very happy.
Yeah. Hey, hey, everybody,
I voted. Look. Look at me.
- Larry!
- Hey!
Hey, look at you!
You changed your pin policy.
No, I didn't change
my pin policy, I just...
I succumbed to pin pressure.
- I'm human.
- Yeah. Well, listen,
I've been, uh, taking
these glasses out
- for a little test run.
- Yeah, I see. Look at that.
- Yeah.
- They're no good.
We gotta get rid
of the prop guy.
- Get rid of Stan? Okay...
- Yeah. He's very difficult.
You know what?
You're driving him crazy.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make art.
Yeah. Well, he's gonna have
a nervous breakdown,
and it's gonna be real trauma,
not like the fake trauma
that you went through.
- Wow.
- Okay?
Oh, that's where
you're gonna go?
- It was real trauma.
- Oh, yeah.
I suffered very,
very real abuse.
Hey, what are you...
What are you doing?
- Larry, what are you doing?
- Hey.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- How old are you?
- Eighteen.
- Eighteen?
If a woman
who looks like this
was interested in you,
what would you say?
Yeah, I'd... I'd like that.
And what if she, uh,
touched you down there?
- Down there?
- Yeah.
- Fuck yeah.
- And what if she invited you
back to her apartment
to have sex with her,
and then
she gave you 400,000 dollars?
- Who wouldn't take that?
- Yeah. Who wouldn't take that?
Sign me up.
- Thank you.
- Well...
is, is she here?
When's this happening?
Don't be an idiot.
No. Of course not.
Hey.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
- What?
- Who are you voting for?
Reimenschneider.
- You're voting for Reimenschneider?
- Yeah.
Hmm. I have a proposition
for you.
I'm voting for Mayhew.
We kinda cancel each other out.
You know, this line?
Why don't we get
the hell outta here?
- I like it. Yeah.
- Huh? Yeah? Beautiful! Let's go.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
♪
Hi, everybody. Welcome back
to KTLA 5's coverage
of election night
across the Southland.
Let's take you now
to Santa Monica,
where Jimmy Mayhew and the
incumbent Jay Reimenschneider
are neck-and-neck at this point.
Take a look at these numbers.
With 82 percent
of the vote in,
only 89 votes
separate these two candidates.
We're good. Yeah, we're good.
We got this.
So, Larry, I hear
you're one of my husband's
biggest supporters.
Councilwoman Irma tells me
that you were out with her
- just really canvassing and...
- Oh.
- ...going and knocking on doors...
- Enjoyed it.
- ...and getting out the vote.
- Enjoyed every moment of it.
Met some wonderful people.
And I think we changed
come minds.
- I think so too.
- You know?
- So nice to catch up with you both.
- Yes.
I'm gonna go check on Jimmy.
All right, bye.
You've got nothing to worry about.
It's gonna be great.
- He's got this. He's got this.
- The groundswell is there.
- There's such a feeling going.
- Totally.
Oh, isn't she lovely?
- Oh, yes, yes, so...
- They're just such lovely,
- lovely, lovely people, Angela.
- Oh, lovely, so, so, lovely.
- And the family, they...
- Oh, the family, my God.
- Those children are so polite.
- Those kids. Have you ever seen
- kids so gorgeous in your life?
- I know, they're gorgeous,
- and they helped out.
- Oh, my God.
- Everyone was lovely.
- Lovely.
Everyone was lovely.
I gotta eat.
I gotta eat something.
I'm so nervous, my...
I got a little... I gotta
get rid of that gas bubble.
- You want a samosa?
- No, thank you.
- Mini quiche?
- Nah.
- Crudité?
- No, thank you.
- No?
- No, I'm good.
- I don't want anything.
- All right.
Hey.
Hey.
So, you're dating
the councilwoman now, huh?
I wouldn't say "dating."
I would say, um,
you know, I'm, like,
exploring the situation.
Really? You said she was
the most obnoxious woman alive.
I stand by that statement.
- Mm-hmm.
- And yet for some reason...
I'm inexplicably drawn to that
which repels me.
You're so full of shit.
You're up to something.
- I know you too well.
- No!
- What, I... I can't find love?
- Don't make me laugh.
♪ The results are in
for the Santa Monica
mayoral contest, and wow.
With 100 percent
of the precincts reporting,
the winner
is Jay Reimenschneider.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!
With all precincts in now, it appears
as if Mayhew lost by one vote.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no!
- One vote?
- Oh!
- That's historical.
I'm not sure
that's ever happened before.
Whatever lazy piece of shit
didn't bother to vote
is gonna have a hard time
sleeping tonight.
- How you lose by one vote?
- I don't know.
- This is ridiculous.
- So, if anybody out there
decided not to vote today
for whatever reason,
you could've changed
the future of our city.
So true.
One vote makes a difference.
- One vote!
- This is why you...
- It's outrageous!
- How do you lose by one vote?
I know!
I know how we lost by one vote.
Larry David thought
the line was too long,
so he didn't vote.
You didn't vote?
- Is that true, Larry?
- What?
- You lazy shit!
- No, that's not true, it's not true, it's not true.
I watched the whole thing.
I watched you walk away
from the line,
and throw your voting pin
in the trash can.
Isn't that right, Larry?
All right, all right, let me
explain what happened, okay?
- One damn vote.
- No! Let me explain! Let me explain!
All the canvassing.
I don't believe it.
I made a deal
with a Reimenschneider voter.
You don't care
about Santa Monica.
- You only care about yourself!
- No! I made a deal!
The line was so long,
so we both decided to leave,
because we would cancel each
other out, so it didn't make a difference.
- Bullshit! I call bullshit.
- Absolutely selfish.
The family is lovely,
just lovely people.
Fry him! Fry him! Get him!
What's the difference who voted?
He would've lost anyway.
It's not my fault.
It was that fucking widow,
Ruth Berman!
"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
Once in a lifetime,
a politician comes along
who's not a politician,
who's a person
who cares about our community.
And that man is here
with us today.
Please welcome the next mayor
of Santa Monica, Jimmy Mayhew!
Thank you for that very nice
introduction, Susie.
You know, you can sit here,
but you can't go to Broadway
when I'm selling out
show after show for ten weeks.
We have
an obligation imbalance, okay?
'Cause I don't do anything
to invite you to,
but you do things
to invite me to.
I offered you...
I offered you opera seats.
You mean up there on the side,
looking down?
- The Prince Charles?
- Exactly, Mussolini's view.
The Mussolini view?
Yeah, those are good.
No, I said, "Myoo-solini."
You said, "Muss-olini."
No, it's not "Myoo-solini"
like "muesli."
- It's not like a cereal.
- No, it's like... I, I compare...
I confuse it with Mucilex.
I take that for my coughs.
Now, as a resident
of Santa Monica,
I wanna give everyone
in Santa Monica
the ability to achieve
higher education.
You never call me.
You always pick the restaurants.
What are you... What are you...
Are we married? I don't...
I don't understand.
Am I dating you?
You hate people.
- I do. So what?
- Your wardrobe sucks.
My wardrobe? You're talking
about my wardrobe?
- Yeah, put this wardrobe down.
- Look! Look at you.
- I'm one of the best-dressed...
- You're the worst...
- ...comics that ever lived.
- ...you're the worst-dressed person I've ever seen.
This? You're comparing this...
I can't even look at you.
I get depressed.
When are you gonna die?
Will you just...
- Will you, will you please die?
- Don't hex my... Don't hex my...
As you know, we have
an election coming up.
And the incumbent,
Jay Reimenschneider,
entered the office of mayor
with great aspirations,
but he failed to deliver
for the people of Santa Monica.
- I will not fail. I have many goals...
- Hey.
That's the guy who's in, uh,
my new show.
Young Larry. He's playing me,
when I was in my 20s.
Hey.
- Hmm?
- Would you mind tapping him?
- Would you tap him?
- No.
- Excuse me, could you...
- What?
Just tap him on the shoulder.
I wanna...
I wanna get his attention
for a second.
Maybe he does
not want to be tapped.
- Believe me, he wants to be tapped.
- No.
And if he knew that I was here,
- trying to tap him and unable to tap him...
- I am not gonna tap him!
- ...he'd be upset.
- I do not like being tapped,
and I will not tap a stranger.
Could you two please be quiet?
- Why don't you be quiet?
- Hey.
You two have been talking,
and talking,
- and talking, and talking. Stop!
- Okay, you're the one talking.
- I'm... You're talking.
- You're talking. You're talking.
- No, you're talking.
- You're talking.
No, you're talking,
and you keep talking!
Where'd you
get that dress anyway,
at a substitute teacher
designer warehouse?
Just... just stop. You know,
you mid-level celebrities,
you think you're so smart
with all your banter.
- Just stop!
- Shh!
They won't shut up.
Health and safety
are the cornerstones
of a great democracy.
They are the foundation
of the house
where the American dream lives.
And to me,
the American dream means that every person...
Don't tap me again.
If you touch me again...
Don't worry, turn around.
- Don't touch me again.
- I'm not touching you.
- Turn around!
- I wanna work for you.
I need your vote.
Thank you.
♪
- Larry!
- Asa!
Asa, soon to be, uh,
soon to be young Larry.
Soon to be young Larry, yeah.
I am so excited
for the table read.
- Table read tomorrow. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
And I got you...
Why don't you take a pin?
Oh, no, no, I don't wear pins.
No? But you might change
one person's mind,
and how incredible
would that be, Larry?
Let me ask you a question.
You see somebody
in a hat that says,
"St. Petersburg, Florida,"
do you wanna go there?
- As artists...
- As what?
...we have an obligation.
Let me tell you something.
Non-pros, there's nothing
they love more
than when actors tell them
what they think.
Wow.
What a mouthful.
Well, but it's really great
running into you, you know?
- Yeah, good to see ya.
- All right.
And if there's anything
I can tell you about myself,
feel free to ask.
- I'm an open book.
- Well, okay.
An open bad book,
that after ten pages
- you'll put down, okay?
- All right.
Hey, you forgot
your pin, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. I'll... I'll pick it
up later. Leave it.
- I thought you did well.
- Yes.
But can I just say a word
to you, that's important to me?
You know, we've always had
possums and coyotes, but...
Hey. The hell was that?
- The disruptive behavior?
- Ah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was just trying
to get in touch with
the guy sitting
two rows in front of me.
That woman, who is she?
In the maroon?
She's just the worst.
Irma Kostroski.
She's a city councilwoman,
very powerful.
The most hideous...
- disagreeable person.
- Right? I know.
- I know.
- Oh, she's just awful. Ugh!
I'm friends with her daughter,
who's lovely, but...
She's repugnant.
Yeah, well, go mingle.
Maybe you'll meet a nice woman.
- By the way, great job here.
- Thank you.
- And your speech was terrific.
- I worked hard. Thank you, Lar.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
...education, compost,
that's very important.
You're not living
with him. Under no circumstances
- are you living with him!
- Yeah, that's what you think.
I don't understand this.
Who lives with
his 75-year-old uncle?
- I do.
- Why can't you be normal?
I'm perfectly normal.
Marcia, am I normal?
My mother thinks you're mental!
Really?
Yes. She told me!
Why are you telling me?
Well, why not?
Uh, you're not living
with Moe.
Just try a little dark meat.
- Why don't you all...
- Why don't you all... Oh.
- That's my line.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Why don't you all just mind
your own goddamn business?
He's my son. He's my business.
Well, why don't we get
some other opinions, okay?
Marcia, do you think
it's her business?
I've seen the apartment,
and it's really nice.
And I'm sure I'll be spending
a lot of time there.
So you can see why...
this is a toughie.
♪ Ah, you... I've had enough.
Look at
the mess you've made.
- Ah, go to hell, Rosie.
- No, you go.
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
What'd I tell you
about Ted Danson, huh?
- Yeah, you were right, yeah.
- A real mechayeh.
- I mean, that guy is just...
- He's what? What's that?
- He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure.
- Oh, "pleasure."
- He's a pleasure, yeah.
- On-screen, off-screen, he's the best.
Listen,
I wanna talk to you, uh...
I... I know
what you're gonna say.
Okay. I saw the tape.
It was like night and day.
Like, how...
Wha... what happened to her?
Well, some people aren't good
at read-throughs.
She was nervous...
Once she starts rehearsing,
she'll be different.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll fix it.
- Yeah, I trust you.
All right, fellas, let's go.
The script is great, by the way.
- Oh, thanks. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy.
- What the fuck is that?
What are we gonna do?
- Do you have any ideas?
- Yeah. Shoot her.
Oh!
- Hey.
- Wow.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
Got something I wanna run by ya.
Hey, put this on my chair.
- Yeah.
- Okay. What's up?
Something's really been
weighing me down.
Really?
- Yeah, I mean...
- What's going on?
I'm having
a really difficult time.
I had a props guy pull the mugs.
Uh-huh.
You see what
I'm dealing with here?
I mean, what lackluster
assortment we got going on here.
They're mugs.
What's wrong with them?
I feel these mugs,
they're not true.
I've been spending
a lot of time as Larry.
You know, and I feel like
I know him more intimately
than anybody, and see,
I just think
coffee was a really
important thing for you.
It wasn't important at all, Asa!
Please, um, would you mind
calling me Larry?
Okay. It wasn't important
at all, Larry.
- I'm an actor, okay? You know?
- Yeah.
If anything rings
as disingenuous, you know,
I can't fake it.
I can't pretend.
Isn't that what actors do?
They fake it?
Well, I think
Stella Adler would, uh, beg to differ.
Look, look at this.
This isn't a real deli.
- This is a fake deli, okay?
- Yeah, um, well,
you know, I did a play
my junior year...
- Okay, spare me.
- Yeah.
You know what? We'll, um...
- Larry...
- Thank you, Larry.
I will talk to Stan.
We'll have five new cups
for you tomorrow.
- Thank you, Larry.
- You're welcome, Larry.
- All right. Good to see you.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Good talking to you, Larry.
- Yeah, you too, Larry.
- Okay.
- Really, Larry?
- Did you catch this?
- Oh, I did.
- Yeah.
- Can you believe that kid?
- Yeah.
He's rejecting everything
I'm putting in front of him.
He's the biggest mug here,
if you ask me.
Well...
maybe we need
to cut him some slack?
I heard something. I don't know
if it's true or not,
but somebody told me
that he was sexually abused...
- Oh.
- ...as a young actor
when he was, like,
17 or something, so...
Okay.
So, Stan,
I know it's a pain in the ass.
Uh, you know, get...
get five more.
Right. I'll get five more
for little prick Larry.
And if he rejects those...
I can tell you
where it'll end up.
We're drawing
a line there, okay?
All right, Stan. Okay.
♪ Thanks, Larry. Please.
Unequivocally, the worst acting
I've ever seen. Ever!
Who talks that way?
Every sentence
is... is different.
Like, one sentence isn't
attached to the one before.
Did you notice that?
Lilly Collins's manager,
you know, really...
They were
really interested in this.
- She was?
- Yeah.
You shouldn't have
even told me that.
- You know, what... what good did that do?
- That can't help. Yeah.
- It does no good at all.
- None. No.
- That was wrong of me.
- Hey, Lar.
- Hey!
- What'd you think of Mayhew
the other day, huh?
Fantastic, isn't he?
- He was all right.
- All right?
The man's gonna be
president, Larry.
- Trust me.
- President?
- Yes.
- Susie, that's...
- That's a little much, isn't it?
- He's very impressive.
You should get in,
and get in good with him.
Why don't you canvass?
- I should do what?
- Larry, you could do
- some canvassing with Susie.
- Canvassing?
- Yeah!
- Knocking on doors?
- Yeah.
- Are you out of your mind?
What am I,
a Fuller Brush salesman?
And you don't change
anybody's mind anyway.
Hey, you got
the basketball package, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. You know,
he's gonna make
a difference in this city.
- You think so?
- He's gonna get the city council
to repeal that... that ordinance
- that people can have chicken coops in their backyard.
- Where'd you get that idea from?
- He's gonna repeal it?
- Well, he's gonna try to get the votes.
- Repeal?
- What was that?
He promised me the other day,
he was gonna get
the city council
- to repeal the ordinance.
- You're saying the...
the city council can repeal
laws, uh, and ordinances?
They make the law,
they can repeal the law.
It's just a matter of votes.
They gotta get the votes.
What was the name
of that horrible, horrible,
obnoxious woman who was sitting
in front of me?
- The councilwoman, yeah.
- Irma, Irma Kostroski.
Irma Kostroski.
♪
Hmm. Divorced.
I think we need to implement
and enhance some of these
safety protocols at the Pier
and Palisades Park.
Especially for our
staff and, um... - Seniors.
- And seniors, yes.
- Seniors! It's a...
- Yes.
- It's like a dance with death
with those scooters
for the seniors.
Yes, yes. And the ramp.
- That's right.
- Hey, Simon!
- The ramp.
- Ramps.
- We have to talk about ramps.
- I am marking that down.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, let's put that up to a vote.
All in favor?
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Ayes have it.
Fantastic. We will put that
on our schedule
and try to set up a time to, uh,
try to decide on the appointment
of those three members
of that committee.
Fantastic. Uh, this was
a very productive meeting.
I thank you all for your time.
Uh, meeting is adjourned.
Excuse me.
- Do you remember me?
- Yes, I do.
I'm Larry David.
I just wanna apologize
for my behavior
at the fundraiser,
asking you to tap someone, uh...
And you... you poked me.
Yeah. I'm really sorry
about that, and, uh...
- It was disrespectful to Jimmy Mayhew.
- Disrespectful, and very rude.
- Yes.
- Of course, all you had to do was just, you know,
touch the person
in front of you, but yeah...
- Needless to say, it...
- I...
It doesn't matter. I was wrong.
Thank you
for taking responsibility.
- Yes. And, uh, by the way.
- Yeah?
This was very enjoyable,
this meeting.
Have you ever thought about
maybe running for, uh, senator,
or congresswoman? Uh, no?
What about a congresswoman?
I don't wanna move to D.C.
- Too cold.
- Ah, yeah.
But anyway, I have to go.
I gotta supervise a re-recording
of an earthquake emergency
announcement.
Boy, oh, boy.
You're doing great, great work.
And, uh, we the people are...
are appreciative,
- Ms. Kostroski.
- Yes. Well, call me Irma.
- Irma! What a beautiful name.
- Thank you.
Oh, but don't tell me
it's with an "E."
"Erm"? With an... No, an "I."
I have to go.
- All right. Okay.
- Yeah. I have a...
I'm so sorry.
Gas here, you know?
- I get a bubble.
- Oh, you get a bubble?
- Yeah. Larry with a "Y"?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, funny.
It wasn't meant to be funny.
I'm just checking.
- Yeah, but it was. It was funny.
- Was it?
"Larry with a 'Y.'" Yeah. Funny.
♪
Oh, boy.
Maybe the most unappealing
person I've...
- ...I've ever met. Truly.
- Wow.
It's almost like she was made
in a lab by Dr. Frankenstein.
He took the worst aspects
of ten different people
and put 'em into her.
So you gotta become the...
the groom of Frankenstein
to get rid
of this fucking actress?
Yeah.
What an appealing prospect.
Frankenstein, and then he had
the bride of Frankenstein...
I don't know if he had
any children in this shit.
How can Frankenstein have a kid?
No. Dr. Frankenstein made love
to fucking the bride
of Frankenstein,
and he had
a fucking kid, I guess.
No, that's not what happened.
Dr. Frankenstein didn't fuck
- the... the monster bride.
- How you make a woman like that
- and not tap it? How? How?
- Well, I mean, that's a good...
...that's another question.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, think about that.
- That's a good question.
- Right there. She's right there.
You made her.
- Hello.
- Hey, L.D.! It's Jimmy
- from the golf club.
- Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
Hey, so I know you have
that standing lesson on Monday,
but uh, you remember
Saul Berman?
- He had the heart attack.
- Yeah.
His widow wants to come in
for a golf lesson,
and all she can do is Monday.
And I was hoping
I could slide you over.
- She's a widow and all, so...
- Sure, I understand,
widow priority and all.
Yeah, I get it.
- Can you do Tuesday?
- Tuesday?
Not great. I mean, you know,
it's election day and...
If you got nothing else,
Tuesday, what time?
Four o'clock's all I got.
All right,
see you Tuesday. Bye.
Really hate giving up
that time slot.
Mm-hmm.
Can't a motherfucker
live a life?
- Sometimes, no.
- Eh, she's a widow.
Yeah. But that golf,
that's white man problems.
Yeah. We have golf.
You have voting.
Nope, nope, nope.
- And now, these...
- Okay.
- ...these, these...
- Perfect.
...these go in the "what were
you thinking" column.
Asa, you need to pick
a pair. We need to move on.
Nope. I can't just pick a pair.
I need to... I need to feel it.
You have 75 choices here.
Pick a pair of fucking glasses.
I'll tell you what.
Put these in the maybes.
- That's it. They're the ones, all right?
- In the maybe pile.
Is that... In the maybe pile?
- But the maybes...
- Okay, these here...
- We're gonna find 'em.
- Just give me a moment. Just give me one moment.
- Hey! We're gonna find 'em.
- One moment.
Larry, I can't do it.
Can't work with that kid.
He's driving me nuts.
You know,
like I told you, he's...
he's a fucked-up kid,
he got sexually abused, I hear...
Oh. Oh, well, about that.
I did my research,
and it turns out
that little Asa there,
when he was a 17-year-old kid,
was "taken advantage of"
by the beautiful 37-year-old
Adrianna Amante,
the Italian actress.
- Fuckin' smoke show! Stunning!
- Oh, my God.
That's the trauma?
- Yeah, apparently.
- I... I read about that.
And not only that, but he got
400 grand as a payoff.
- That was him?
- That was him. Yeah.
Formerly known as Andy.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Were you as lucky at 17,
to be taken advantage of
by a supermodel?
Yeah, right. I was traumatized
because I didn't have
- any sex at all.
- Same here.
I couldn't fucking
pay a woman to touch me!
All right.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- And take the glasses.
- Yeah.
And talk to him about
what glasses Larry would wear.
- Yeah, okay.
- Lucky little fucker.
- Hey, Larry.
- Good to see you, Larry.
Having some problems
picking out glasses?
Yeah, it's a real...
it's a conundrum.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Yeah. I mean... Yeah.
You know what, you're really
giving Stan a hard time.
You're acting like
kind of an asshole, and...
- Uh-huh.
- ...there could be a justification for it,
because I know
how traumatized you were
from that horrible incident
you had when you were 17
and sexually abused by a beautiful, luscious...
- ...voluptuous Italian movie star.
- You heard about that, huh?
Oh, my God.
I can't even imagine...
- how horrible that must've been.
- No, you can't. It was so hard.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
- How did that work exactly?
- Yeah. Well...
Did she... did she get you
in a headlock or, uh...
No, I mean, listen,
it was a mental... headlock.
- All right, cut the shit. Okay?
- Yeah.
- You were 17 years old.
- Uh-huh.
If a cactus touched your penis,
you would've been thrilled
- at that age. Okay?
- Wow! Wow. Wow.
- Yeah.
- I see what... Okay.
What if you were
in high school, huh?
- Yeah.
- And you... and you slept
with an older, famous actress,
how would people treat you?
They would've named
the high school after me.
Okay.
♪
Hello?
Is this Councilwoman
Irma Kostroski?
Yeah, it is.
This is Larry David calling.
What do you want, Larry?
I was wondering perhaps if...
you might wanna get
a cup of coffee.
Well, today I'm canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You're welcome to join me.
Ah! I, I'd love to.
I'm really looking
forward to it.
Yeah. Okay, goodbye.
Good afternoon.
My name is Irma Kostroski,
and we are here
to get this man elected
as the next mayor of
Santa Monica, it's Jimmy Mayhew.
- Wonderful candidate.
- He's pro-environment.
Loves fresh air.
He loves fresh air.
He's gonna solve
the homeless problem.
He's gonna make 'em homed.
Homed!
Where does he stand
on the issues?
You can't say "Happy New Year"
after January 7th.
- I... I don't think he...
- I like that.
Very smart. Last year I got
a Happy New Year
during Black History Month.
And, uh, what else?
No child under ten
allowed in restaurants.
- Oh, now that's awesome.
- You love that?
He's very strong
on environmental issues.
- Really? Like what?
- He respects wood.
- I like that a lot.
- Good.
A pin for you.
I might just have
to put it on right now.
- Appreciate you guys.
- Oh, one more thing.
- Yes?
- He's eliminating hand shaking.
He's my man!
A lot of the stuff
you're saying isn't true.
What, are you kidding?
He ate it up!
Yeah, well, stick to the script, okay?
- Yes?
- How do you do?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
- You know, he's for fresh air.
- He loves fresh air.
He likes
to breathe in fresh air.
- I like fresh air.
- And how about this?
He wants to get rid
of the penny.
I'm all for that. However, I'm in
the middle of a book club meeting...
- Is that Larry?
- ...but thank you so much.
- Huh?
- I hear your voice! I know it's you!
- Oh, hey.
- What're you doing here?
- Could you believe this?
- Hi.
- With Irma. Hi, Irma.
- Hey!
- How are you?
- How are you?
- Good. Nice to see you.
- You're in a book club?
- Yes.
- Why is that so surprising?
What do you think,
we don't read?
What are you reading?
- The Sound and the Fury.
- Faulkner.
- You two are reading Faulkner?
- Yes, we are. What?
Oh, is that... - Oh, you're the
only intellectual of the bunch?
What, you got
the Cliff Notes, huh?
What are you doing?
- We're canvassing.
- We're canvassing
- for Jimmy Mayhew.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Didn't you tell me the other day
that you would never canvass?
No, I wouldn't canvass with you
because you turn people off,
and I didn't...
I didn't want you to turn
people off.
- She turns people off. Yeah.
- He's doing a good job.
So you're going door to door
to strangers' homes?
- Yes. Yes.
- That's weird,
because you don't even
like people.
Well, I hate people
individually,
- but I love mankind.
- Oh, you do?
He's very interested
in local politics.
He called me, we
share similar... - I'm sorry.
- Yes?
- Did you say that Larry called you
and asked if he could volunteer?
- Irma, we should... we should really get going.
- Yes.
- We got a lot of houses to...
- He had a terrific change,
a cornerstone of our democracy.
I know that you don't care
about people,
and you don't give a shit
about politics.
Well, you know,
maybe when I was married to you,
you held me back from
the person
I really wanted to be.
What's on your...
your sweatshirt?
A pin for Mayhew.
You hate pins 'cause they make
holes in your sweater.
Well, it's a thin pin.
- Oh.
- Ah. A thin pin.
- A thin pin.
- It's a thin pin.
- Anyway, let's leave them to... to, uh, to Faulkner.
- It's what you have to do.
- Thank you.
- What's wrong with Faulkner?
Oh, yeah, you have a great interest
in turn-of-the-century Mississippi.
- I do!
- Yeah.
Well, you enjoy your book.
I don't need a club
to read a book, but...
Thank you very much
for your time.
Come along, we have to go.
We've a lot to do.
What are you doing?
- Your local politics.
- Bye-bye.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Goodbye.
Get the fuck outta here!
- Bye.
- What the hell's going on?
You can't ask to use
the bathroom.
Why? What am I
supposed to do? How long...
Listen, you never pee
when you canvass.
Good afternoon!
We are campaigning
for Jimmy Mayhew
for Santa Monica Mayor.
Larry? I'm Stan's wife!
Stan, prop master on your show.
Really? Oh, my God.
You live here?
- Yes.
- That's amazing!
Fucking rat poison!
Has to be vegan, of course.
You know how hard
they are to find in the Valley?
I'm worried sick about him.
- Gen Z!
- That's your husband?
- Yeah.
- Little shit!
He's having a lot of trouble
with a young actor on your show.
He's wanting some snack
for a scene.
- Oh, my God.
- He's got my Stanley running around
all over town
like a blue-arsed fly.
He didn't even
give me gas money!
Do you think you can come in
and have a quick word with him?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thanks, Larry.
Bloody, now it's puffs,
for fuck's sake!
Hey, Stan.
- Oh, Larry.
- Hey.
- Welcome to puff paradise.
- What's going on?
Ditch the kid, Lar.
He's had me drive all over town
- for the last two days, okay?
- Oh, Jesus.
Everything I give him,
he just rejects.
He rejected these because
he said they were too "'90s."
And he's looking
for a '70s vibe.
These ones here are too salty.
Too spicy. These?
Not vegan, or too vegan.
Too vegan? What does
too fucking vegan mean, Larry?
- He's such an asshole, Stan.
- Okay, I know, if there's anything...
- Such an asshole.
- And it's everything else.
- The pens, the cups.
- He wants the cups...
Yeah, he wants the cups
to be dolphin-friendly.
What the
fuck does that even mean, Larry?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- It's crazy!
And if he flicks his fingers
at me one more time,
I'm telling you now, man,
I'll shove those fingers
so far up his arse,
they'll pop out of his mouth
and he can use them
as a hand puppet.
- Oh, boy.
- Ridiculous.
So I have a backup, Larry.
Okay? Zero calories in these.
He's gotta love these.
Look, they look like something
from fucking Starsky and Hutch.
Seventies written
all over that, Lar.
He can't reject those.
If he turns these fuckers down,
I will fucking strangle him!
So, it turns out he did
this movie when he was 17,
- and had sex in her trailer.
- He was 17?
He claimed that he was abused,
and got
a 400,000-dollar settlement,
and now he's playing the victim!
This was his luckiest day
of his life.
- The luckiest day of his life!
- He's ungrateful.
This little motherfucker
got a piece of ass,
which is priceless.
Then he got 400,000 dollars
on top of that shit?
- Yeah.
- And the movie paid him.
He got paid three fucking times,
- and he still complains.
- Exactly.
How old were you
when you first got laid?
Fourteen years old.
- Fourteen?
- So if you were in the Boy Scouts,
you would've got
your, uh, intercourse badge.
Fuck, yeah.
My first time tapping
wasn't some
gorgeous-ass actress.
It was this lady that made
donuts and shit, donut shop.
You don't see me
coming back years later,
asking for 400,000 dollars
in donuts.
I could've.
Cream-filled, jelly.
All that shit.
I tapped the lady
that made the holes,
you understand?
Hi there. Good afternoon.
Uh, before I take your order,
I wanna let you know that
we do have a special today.
There's a fresh Maine lobster,
and there's only a few left.
- Oh!
- Drawn butter, lemon.
- I know who loves that.
- Yeah, sounds pretty, pretty,
pretty good.
I'll take one, and could you
go in and secure it for me,
so they don't get taken?
You got it. Absolutely.
I'll be right back.
Dig this, after we eat lunch,
I'm gonna go vote for the mayor,
so I don't have to wait
on all those lines after.
Oh, yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Someone
wanna come with me?
I can't. I got a golf lesson.
Berman's widow
took my time yesterday,
so I gotta do it today.
What was I gonna do?
It's the widow, right?
Mr. David, I am so sorry.
I know you were interested
in the lobster special,
but by the time I got back
to the kitchen,
we only had one order left,
so we decided to give it
to another diner.
- What? Who?
- Um, Mrs. Berman.
I don't know if you know,
she's a recent widow.
But we have a lot of other
delicious dishes... - Wait a second.
- We have a...
- That woman?
Uh, yes. Mrs. Berman,
there in the black.
That's Ruth Berman!
She's not the widow.
She's Berman's ex-wife.
They've been divorced
for ten years.
She's as much a widow
as I'm a widow.
Yeah. She took
my golf lesson yesterday
by claiming she's a widow,
- and now she's got my lobster?
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy...
- It... it's not right.
- Uh, sir...
- Oh, boy, there he goes.
He's off. This is good.
Yeah, we thought
you wouldn't come. I'm so glad...
- Ma'am?
- Larry!
- How's the lobster?
- It's wonderful.
- Oh!
- You really should try it sometime.
- So happy to hear that.
- Yeah.
- And how are you doing, Ruth?
- Actually, not really well.
- Aw. Yeah.
- This experience of losing
- the love of my life...
- Oh, yeah.
...has been the hardest thing
I've ever gone through.
- It must be so awful.
- You have no idea.
And yet you managed
to have a...
golf lesson yesterday.
Saul would've wanted me
to do that.
- Oh, absolutely.
- He loved me, Larry.
And I adored this man.
- Oh, yeah.
- You have no idea.
I'm on to you, Ruth Berman.
You're saying you're a widow to get widow privileges.
- Okay?
- I'm sorry, excuse me?
You're not a widow, okay?
You're the ex-wife
of a dead man.
- Oh, please.
- What's wrong with you?
She just lost her husband!
Oh, she lost her husband?
She lost her husband
when he caught her having
an affair
with a tennis instructor.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on! Don't...
This is very painful, Larry.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, please. What an actress!
- It's just like Saul. Oh, my...
- Give me a break!
♪
Oh, boy, look at this.
Geez.
It's ridiculous.
It's not even moving.
Yeah. I had to move
my golf lesson
or I would've been here
much earlier,
if not for this
so-called widow. "Widow"!
Thank you for voting.
- Thank you for...
- Yeah, nah, no, thanks.
- I'm good.
- Take the pin.
You know what? It makes
a hole in, in my jacket.
- It's a thin pin. Yeah.
- Thin pin? You give me that line?
- Yeah, let me show you.
- I've used that line myself.
No such thing as a thin pin,
okay? It doesn't exist.
- Thin pin.
- Didn't hurt.
- You happy?
- Very happy.
Yeah. Hey, hey, everybody,
I voted. Look. Look at me.
- Larry!
- Hey!
Hey, look at you!
You changed your pin policy.
No, I didn't change
my pin policy, I just...
I succumbed to pin pressure.
- I'm human.
- Yeah. Well, listen,
I've been, uh, taking
these glasses out
- for a little test run.
- Yeah, I see. Look at that.
- Yeah.
- They're no good.
We gotta get rid
of the prop guy.
- Get rid of Stan? Okay...
- Yeah. He's very difficult.
You know what?
You're driving him crazy.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make art.
Yeah. Well, he's gonna have
a nervous breakdown,
and it's gonna be real trauma,
not like the fake trauma
that you went through.
- Wow.
- Okay?
Oh, that's where
you're gonna go?
- It was real trauma.
- Oh, yeah.
I suffered very,
very real abuse.
Hey, what are you...
What are you doing?
- Larry, what are you doing?
- Hey.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- How old are you?
- Eighteen.
- Eighteen?
If a woman
who looks like this
was interested in you,
what would you say?
Yeah, I'd... I'd like that.
And what if she, uh,
touched you down there?
- Down there?
- Yeah.
- Fuck yeah.
- And what if she invited you
back to her apartment
to have sex with her,
and then
she gave you 400,000 dollars?
- Who wouldn't take that?
- Yeah. Who wouldn't take that?
Sign me up.
- Thank you.
- Well...
is, is she here?
When's this happening?
Don't be an idiot.
No. Of course not.
Hey.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
- What?
- Who are you voting for?
Reimenschneider.
- You're voting for Reimenschneider?
- Yeah.
Hmm. I have a proposition
for you.
I'm voting for Mayhew.
We kinda cancel each other out.
You know, this line?
Why don't we get
the hell outta here?
- I like it. Yeah.
- Huh? Yeah? Beautiful! Let's go.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
♪
Hi, everybody. Welcome back
to KTLA 5's coverage
of election night
across the Southland.
Let's take you now
to Santa Monica,
where Jimmy Mayhew and the
incumbent Jay Reimenschneider
are neck-and-neck at this point.
Take a look at these numbers.
With 82 percent
of the vote in,
only 89 votes
separate these two candidates.
We're good. Yeah, we're good.
We got this.
So, Larry, I hear
you're one of my husband's
biggest supporters.
Councilwoman Irma tells me
that you were out with her
- just really canvassing and...
- Oh.
- ...going and knocking on doors...
- Enjoyed it.
- ...and getting out the vote.
- Enjoyed every moment of it.
Met some wonderful people.
And I think we changed
come minds.
- I think so too.
- You know?
- So nice to catch up with you both.
- Yes.
I'm gonna go check on Jimmy.
All right, bye.
You've got nothing to worry about.
It's gonna be great.
- He's got this. He's got this.
- The groundswell is there.
- There's such a feeling going.
- Totally.
Oh, isn't she lovely?
- Oh, yes, yes, so...
- They're just such lovely,
- lovely, lovely people, Angela.
- Oh, lovely, so, so, lovely.
- And the family, they...
- Oh, the family, my God.
- Those children are so polite.
- Those kids. Have you ever seen
- kids so gorgeous in your life?
- I know, they're gorgeous,
- and they helped out.
- Oh, my God.
- Everyone was lovely.
- Lovely.
Everyone was lovely.
I gotta eat.
I gotta eat something.
I'm so nervous, my...
I got a little... I gotta
get rid of that gas bubble.
- You want a samosa?
- No, thank you.
- Mini quiche?
- Nah.
- Crudité?
- No, thank you.
- No?
- No, I'm good.
- I don't want anything.
- All right.
Hey.
Hey.
So, you're dating
the councilwoman now, huh?
I wouldn't say "dating."
I would say, um,
you know, I'm, like,
exploring the situation.
Really? You said she was
the most obnoxious woman alive.
I stand by that statement.
- Mm-hmm.
- And yet for some reason...
I'm inexplicably drawn to that
which repels me.
You're so full of shit.
You're up to something.
- I know you too well.
- No!
- What, I... I can't find love?
- Don't make me laugh.
♪ The results are in
for the Santa Monica
mayoral contest, and wow.
With 100 percent
of the precincts reporting,
the winner
is Jay Reimenschneider.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!
With all precincts in now, it appears
as if Mayhew lost by one vote.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no!
- One vote?
- Oh!
- That's historical.
I'm not sure
that's ever happened before.
Whatever lazy piece of shit
didn't bother to vote
is gonna have a hard time
sleeping tonight.
- How you lose by one vote?
- I don't know.
- This is ridiculous.
- So, if anybody out there
decided not to vote today
for whatever reason,
you could've changed
the future of our city.
So true.
One vote makes a difference.
- One vote!
- This is why you...
- It's outrageous!
- How do you lose by one vote?
I know!
I know how we lost by one vote.
Larry David thought
the line was too long,
so he didn't vote.
You didn't vote?
- Is that true, Larry?
- What?
- You lazy shit!
- No, that's not true, it's not true, it's not true.
I watched the whole thing.
I watched you walk away
from the line,
and throw your voting pin
in the trash can.
Isn't that right, Larry?
All right, all right, let me
explain what happened, okay?
- One damn vote.
- No! Let me explain! Let me explain!
All the canvassing.
I don't believe it.
I made a deal
with a Reimenschneider voter.
You don't care
about Santa Monica.
- You only care about yourself!
- No! I made a deal!
The line was so long,
so we both decided to leave,
because we would cancel each
other out, so it didn't make a difference.
- Bullshit! I call bullshit.
- Absolutely selfish.
The family is lovely,
just lovely people.
Fry him! Fry him! Get him!
What's the difference who voted?
He would've lost anyway.
It's not my fault.
It was that fucking widow,
Ruth Berman!
"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...