Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Man Fights Tiny Woman - full transcript

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Season 11 Episode 06

Episode Title: "Man Fights Tiny Womano"
Aired on: November 28, 2021.

So many great actors
in New York, you know.

Oh! Totally.
By the way, well worth the trip.

Well worth the trip.

Well, and this kid Jason we got,
he's gonna be great.

He's remarkable.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he is so great.

I don't know, I think we're
really set with the cast.

Yeah. They're all pretty good,
with one notable exception.

Maria Sofia.

- Mr. Greene?
- Yup.

Hi. I'm Tony.
I'll be your driver for today.

Hi, Mr. David.
I'm Miriam Clubok.

I'll be your driver today.

- How was your flight?
- Delightful.

- Can I take your bag?
- Sure. Thank you.

This way.

- Can I take your bag, sir?
- Hmm...

It's not a problem at all.
It's part of the service.

- I don't think so. I got it.
- Are you sure?

I got it. I'm good. Thank you.

Oh, hey!

Seth Rogen, he's filming
that Viking movie on the lot.

- Yeah.
- I asked him if he wanted

to do a guest starring thing
on the show

as Bud Friedman.
He wants to do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- That's fantastic!
- It's amazing!

It's all coming together.

I'm right there,
behind the red bag.

Oh! There's mine.
Brown one, right behind you.

- I got it.
- Oh, I can grab that.

- I can grab this, no problem.
- No, I insist.

- I got it.
- I must insist.

- Sir!
- I got it.

Sir, I have the bag.

I got it. I got it.
Thank you, thank you.

- Well, let me carry these then.
- No, no. Won't be necessary.

I got it. I got it.
Thank... I... Please.

I got it, thank you.
Thank you.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

- They look heavy. I can help.
- I got it.

Oh, sh...

- Oh, look who's back.
- Hey.

- How was the trip to New York?
- Trip was good,

but I hurt my back because they
sent this tiny woman driver,

I was uncomfortable with her
carrying my bags,

and I schlepped those.

Now I gotta go
to a chiropractor.

You're being accommodating.
If you're gonna do that shit,

you might as well
put her in the backseat

and you fucking drive.

I'm gonna call the company.

I-I don't want to
go through this again.

Thank you for calling
A&K Limousine Service.

How may I help you?

Oh, hi. It's Larry David.
Uh, small issue.

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry.
What happened?

It's not a big deal.

You sent a woman driver
to pick me up,

and I was uncomfortable with her
carrying my bags.

I kind of hurt my back
a little bit,

to tell you the truth.

And so I'm just calling to ask,
if possible,

the next time I need a car,
that you will send a man.

Did this young lady
refuse to help you?

No, not at all.
She was extremely cooperative.

Mr. David, let me just reassure you
that our female drivers can do

anything our male drivers
can do.

I'm quite sure they can,

but I just don't want a woman
carrying my bags.

- I don't think it's a good look.
- Okay, so this is about looks.

You want a more attractive
woman driver.

Is that what you're saying?

No, I don't care
if she's attractive.

I just don't want
a woman driver, that's all.

Mr. David, we're in
a pretty evolved society.

I'm afraid that may
come off a little sexist.

Sexist? Oh, God! Please. No.

Obviously, you don't
know me at all.

I'm not even
the least bit sexist.

Although I do like to
have sex with women.

I don't know if that
makes me a sexist. Does that...

Does wanting to have sex
with women make you a sexist?

I don't know.
It's an interesting question.

Are you saying
you want to have...

You want to have sex
with our drivers?

No, I don't want to have sex
with your drivers.

Are you saying you
want to have sex with me?

Who said anything about you?

I don't wanna
have sex with you.

Why would I wanna
have sex with you?

Don't be ridiculous,
I would never!

Never? What, excuse me?

Of course, maybe I would,
if... if we met,

and, uh,
and you were attractive,

I... I would consider it,
you know, but...

If I was attractive?

No, no. I don't care
if you're attractive.

I can be attracted to people
who aren't attractive.

I've had sex with many women
who aren't attractive

because I was attracted to them.

Yeah, tap that ass.

Wow, okay.
So now I'm unattractive?

No, I didn't say
you're not attractive.

I don't even know you.

How do I know
if you're attractive or not?

That's not what this is about.

I don't wanna have sex
with you, but again, I could.

I mean, you sound attractive,
but you know,

the telephone's very deceiving.
You never know.

I was once on the phone
with a woman from Ticketmaster

for half an hour, and I met her,
and it was...

It was ridiculous, it was crazy!

Mr. David,
this is really out of line

and very uncomfortable
for me at this point.

I'm extremely uncomfortable.
You know what?

Let's forget I even called.
I don't care.

Send a woman. It's fine.

Thank you, Mr. David.
You have a lovely day.

You gonna tap that?

- Are you nuts? Tap what?
- Come on, you hittin' that.

Oh, that's the roofer.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Hey.

I'm looking for Mr. Larry David.

Yeah, me.

How you doing? I'm Jonas
from Champion Roofers.

- Ah.
- I'm here to check out your leak.

It's the guest room.
It's up that way.

Well, that's where it starts,

and, uh, you never know
where it goes.

So I gotta get my ladder
and get up there

and check it out.

- You're going up?
- Yeah, I'm a roofer.

That's what I do.


Hey, Leon.

Jonas, Champion Roofers.
How you doing?

He's going up.

- You go on the fucking roof?
- Well, yeah.


I don't wanna take up
any more of your time.

Twenty minutes, okay?
And I'll give you a quote.

Let me get my ladder.

Motherfucker need a crane.
You feel me?

Let's check this puppy out.


You know what?

I think I'm gonna
go outside for a while.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, how's business here?

Business is good.

Why are there no people here?

Well, the doctor likes to
space out the appointments

so that everybody gets
a good amount of time with him.

"What's the last thing
you bought

that changed your life?"

That's a question
in this magazine.

I don't know.

Ah, the juicy tomato.

Just because
Tom Brady avoids them...

I think he's ready for you.
You can just go right in.

Ah! Okay.

Well, great news, my friend.
As expected, you are gonna live.

You have a quadratus strain,

which can be explained
by the fact that you lifted

something heavy,
which you cannot do.

Well, what was I...
What was I supposed to do?

She was this frail woman.

Well, I completely
understand that.

If it were me,
I wouldn't have done it.

But that's because I lost chivalry, uh,
after the divorce.

- Why? What do you mean?
- My wife cheated on me.

- Really?
- Yeah, three times.

So you're leading
the single life now?

I'm leading the single life.
Couldn't be happier.

- Hey, let me ask you a question.
- Sure, anything.

How come there's nobody
in your waiting room?

Oh, well, you know what?
I like to space them out.

Privacy. You know, we get some
high profile people in here.

Like you or Harrison Ford.

Oh, Harrison Ford is a patient?

No, it was a hypothetical.
If Harrison Ford were a patient,

I would tell you
he's incredibly lovely.

Bit of a curmudgeon
sometimes, but...

- So he's a patient?
- Nope, didn't say that.

I would assume
based on interviews I've seen.

- He's a very gruff guy.
- Well, you just told me. You just told me he's a patient.

- No, I didn't. I never said...
- Yeah, you did.

I never said I've seen
my patient, Harrison Ford,

- after his last plane crash.
- Okay.

Well, why don't I get you set up
with a foam roller?

- Foam roller.
- Very easy to use.

- I'm gonna give you a...
- So you want me to roll?

I just want you to roll on it.

- Okay.
- Very easily.

Elizabeth at the front desk...

...will walk you through
how to use it.


It should be pretty simple,

but we will give you a document
with some illustrations on it

to walk you through it as well.
Okay, Larry?

And then I'm gonna
write you a prescription.

How do you do
with anti-inflammatories?

I know, as a Jew, I get a little
rumbly in my tumbly.

- Uh, I do okay.
- Ah!

That's why I never became
a basketball player.

I will see you back here
in a couple of days,

and you, my friend, should be
feeling as good as new.


And I get a glimpse
of his underwear.

It was completely frayed,
like loose violin strings.

And holes in it. It was like
the underwear had been to war.

I don't know why
you didn't run out.

Why? I'm not gonna run out.
That's rude.

You know what? My back actually
feels a little better.

- It does?
- Yeah.

I don't care. I will never
be going back to him.

- Really?
- I am done.

- Hey, you know what?
- What?

Maybe that's why there's nobody
in his waiting room.


- And look at this, look at this.
- All right.

- Let's see this set, huh?
- Let's see.



Oh, my God.
This is freaky. This is...

Really, this is exactly...

These are the exact dimensions.
We had a piano here.

- What was in here?
- Huh?

- What was in here?
- That's my mother's closet.

Oh. That's a nice...

Holy shit. Look at this.

This is the exact dimension
of the apartment.

I lived here from eight
to twenty-five.

Look at the size
of this kitchen we had.

- Huh.
- Look, they even got the stove exactly right.

Come on,
let's check out wardrobe.

- Oh, this is great.
- This feels good, yeah.

- Ah, there he is. Hey.
- Hey.

- Feels very like Cliff, right?
- Oh, that's Cliff.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He's loving the jackets.
We got some really good looks.

Those are good. Yeah, very '70s.

Oh, um, I was just looking
at the schedule and I realized,

and this is totally my fault,
I'm so sorry,

but I can't make anything
after four on Thursdays.

I have a church thing.

- Church?
- Yeah.

Your last name's Steinberg.

Oh, I'm a Jew for Jesus.

- I love this one.
- Nice.

- Let's just go and grab a picture.
- Okay, great.

So, again, I can totally work
around it, if not,

but I hope that doesn't, like,
throw a huge wrench in everything.

- No. No.
- Oh, well, uh, We'll fix it in the schedule.

Bless you. Thank you so much.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Jew for Jesus, really?

And do you think
he's sincere about it?

- Oh, totally.
- Yes, totally sincere.

I was so shocked and stunned

...that that face, that punim...

And by the way,
you look at this kid,

his parents are
a big ball of Jewish.

He's screaming Jew.

What do you think about
this whole Jews for Jesus thing?

That's crazy stuff. I don't know
why anyone would do that.

You know, when you're
a Jew for Jesus,

- you're embraced by the Gentiles immediately.
- Right.

But as much as
you're embraced by the Gentiles,

you're reviled by the Jews.

He's... You know,
he's considered like a traitor.

- That's right.
- He's left us.

The Gentiles are liking him.

They'll put that one in the front.
They're proud of that.

- "We took him in." You know?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- "We got one."
- We got one.

- We got one.
- We got one.

Why they want one, I don't know.

- But they got one.
- They got one.

Hey, by the way, remind me
when it's two o'clock, will you?

- Two o'clock? I got it.
- Yeah.

Hello, gentlemen.
How are we doing?

- Hello.
- Hi.

I'm gonna get the steak-frites.

- Medium rare okay?
- Medium rare is great.

Spinach salad for me, please.

- I'll get the Caesar.
- And anchovies gonna be okay on that?

- Please.
- With the anchovies?

Yeah. I like anchovies. So what?

- It's just a strong choice.
- Who does that?

You know, it's unbelievable,
the contempt

that people have for you
when you order anchovies.

It's like I'm a pornographer
or something.

I can honestly say, I've never
seen someone say yes

to anchovies on the Caesar.
Have you?

You know what it's like?
It's like going to church

- on Thursday.
- Right. It's an odd choice.

You know what?
Forget the anchovies.

- Okay.
- Why would you do that?

I don't want them anymore.

- You ruined my lunch.
- Why did I ruin it?

- You ruined my lunch.
- I just thought it was strange.

By the way, there are many
things that you guys eat,

okay, lot of things
you eat in particular,

that I don't comment on,
that I find offensive.

- Ice cream?
- No, I like ice cream.

- Okay, an omelet?
- I like an omelet.

- French toast?
- Love French toast.

So what the fuck
are you talking about?

Okay, you know what?
No anchovies. We're good.

- Okay.
- Okay. Thank you.

You're a little defensive
in the world of anchovies.

I wish you would've
gotten the anchovies.

- Yeah.
- Oh, jeez. I need to charge.

Don't you think someone
should be able to comment on food?

Always be able
to comment.

- Hi. You have a charger?
- Oh, it's being used.

- Is that the only one?
- Yeah, unfortunately.

- Who's using it?
- Um... that gentleman is.

- The guy in the tie?
- Yeah, at your table.

- What's he at?
- He's at 23 percent.

Oh. Hey, you're at 23 percent.
I'm at two.

Can I take over the charger?

- No.
- Why?

- Hey, I was there first.
- So what?

You know, if we were in a gym,
you're on a treadmill,

you can't go more than
half an hour.

You got people waiting.

Well, the beauty of that is
I never go on a treadmill.

Uh, would you mind unplugging
his phone and plugging mine in?

You want me to unplug
your friend's phone?


Even though he just told you no?

- Yeah.
- But he'll know.

He'll be able to see.

So what? I don't care.

I kind of feel like you and your friend
have a strange dynamic

that I'd rather not
get involved with.

- So you're not gonna do it?
- No.

- This stinks.
- Your own fault.

No, it's your fault.
It's your fault.

- You did it to yourself.
- No, I didn't do it to myself.

Yeah, you did.
You did it to yourself.

- You did it to me.
- No.

You stopped me from enjoying it.
You ruined my lunch.

Hey, what time is it?

- 2:10.
- 2:10?

You were supposed to remind me
when it was two o'clock.

You're right. I forgot.
I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. My... my car.

I was in the middle of eating,
I'm sorry.

- My car!
- I'm sorry.

My fault, Larry.

- What's his charge now?
- Twenty-eight percent.

He's not having a good day,
that's for sure.

Should've said something to me.

Are you kidding me? Shit.

- Towed. Towed.
- Ah.

- I'm sorry. That sucks.
- Yeah.

You could've reminded me.
You said you would remind me.

- I'm just saying.
- So it's my fault?

Yeah, you didn't remind me.

If you had said, "My car is gonna get towed
at two o'clock," I would've remembered.

But when you said, "Remind me of something
at two," it felt so light. It's so toothless.

Look, you're the reminder,
I'm the remindee.

Once the reminder takes on
remindership, you own it.

So let me get this clear.

Anyone who's asked
to be reminded of something

has to assume the person will die
if they're not reminded. Is that right?

- Death is the...
- Death is the consequence.

Death could be the consequence.

That's a very different
idea of remindership.

The remindee has to place
his trust in the reminder.

- Right.
- It's the sacred pact.

If you can't handle it,
then don't take it on.

By the way,
if it's so important,

why didn't you
set your alarm or something?

I did set the alarm,
but my battery died

because Jeff wouldn't
let me charge.

But the truth is, if you had
your phone, we're not in this.

- Okay? Okay.
- Absolutely. It's all his fault.

Let's go enjoy
the rest of the lunch.

I can't stand this lunch.
I gotta get something else.

- Hey, man.
- Oh, you made coffee, great.

Man, I had the worst,
worst night's sleep.

I felt like I heard creaking,

and I think that roofer must've
weakened it or something.

The size of that motherfucker
walking around all over the roof,

we're lucky the fucking drywall
ain't cracking and shit

from his big ass.

Anyway, it was just...
It was the worst.

You just lay there
and your mind just wanders,

and you can't get back to bed.

You think about
all this crazy stuff.

Like if you saw a picture of
a bearded lady in the circus

without the beard,
and she was really attractive.

Would you try and date her
and convince her to shave?

The fuck? I had one more left.

Who the fuck ate my last
fucking Haagen-Dazs popsicle?

I don't know. It wasn't me.

You know who's been here,

walking around
the fucking house?

It's that fat-ass,
goddamn roofer.

When food's missing,
suspicions invariably turn to the heavyset.

That motherfucker is
F-A-T positive.

You know what I'm saying?
If a hat was missing,

I would blame a bald head
motherfucker like you.

That's the roofer.

- Hey, Larry.
- How are ya?

Good. I got something
special to show you.

I have got
a brand-new palette of tiles

to replace
the cracked ones on the roof.

I'm sure they're fine.
I don't need to see them.

Oh, you're gonna be very impressed.
Come on. Come on.

There's no point
in showing me tiles.

- I have no interest in tiles.
- Yeah, come on. Check this out.

Look at those bad boys.

- Wow.
- Oh, fantastic. Gorgeous tiles.

Only the best.

I'm really glad
I got to see them.

I'll be up there for a couple of days,
if you need me.

I'm gonna put these in,
and it'll be good as new.

- You're going up?
- Yeah. That's what I do.

- Couple of days?
- You want it perfect, don't you?

What do you do?
Why don't you send this kid up there?

Eric's in training.

- Yeah.
- Eric is my assistant.

- Send him up.
- He's not ready to go up yet.

Yeah. I don't go up. He goes up.

- You go up...
- I...

...and you supervise
from down here.

I'm gonna be honest
with you, Larry.

I don't think he really
wants to be a roofer.

- Tell him.
- I'm looking into tattooing.

Tattoo. Tattoo artist.

Why don't you
give Larry a tattoo?

Oh. I mean,
I'd be down for that.

That's not gonna happen.

- No?
- No way?

He's the roofer.
I'm the roofer's helper.

He goes up, I stay down here.

Did you ask him
about my popsicles?

He's not interested
in your food.

No, no. He's not interested
in your fucking food.

He don't want the fucking
mung beans

and fucking wheatgrass, olives.

He don't want no fucking olives
with the red...

What's that red shit
stuck inside the fucking olive?


Yeah. Same shit that
come out of a lady

after she have a baby.

That man got a sweet tooth,
I'm telling you.

He wants all my snacks and shit.

Okay, you know what?
I can't stay here.

I'm not gonna stay here.
I didn't sleep last night.

I'm packing a bag.

He's gonna be here
for a couple of days?

I'm not staying here
a couple days.

- Are you kidding me?
- What you gonna do?

I don't know.
I'll go to Freddy's.

Oh, shit. I don't have my car.
My car got towed.

And I gotta go
to the chiropractor.

I gotta go to work.
This really stinks!

Oh, shit! What the fuck?

- Hello.
- You called for a car?

I did. Yeah.

- I gotta make a stop.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Larry! How we doing today?

You know what? Much better.

That's what I like to hear.
Tell me.

You have worked magic.

- It's what I do. It's what I do.
- You really have.

- So, pain is lessened?
- Yes, yes.

- Meds are agreeing with you?
- Yeah, I'm doing the roller.

So, here's what I think
we're gonna do.

I think I'm going to
lower the dosage,

- or maybe even cut you off entirely.
- Okay. Okay.

And then I wanna stick with
the foam roller,

- but I'm gonna give you a firmer foam roller.
- Oh.

And remember, the key is,
you don't wanna push too hard.

- Okay.
- Just enough to make it work.

And what do we got here?

Let's go with this bad boy.

So, Elizabeth at the front
will walk you through it.

Same principle as last time.
You all right?


All right.
Can I be honest with you?

- Yeah.
- So, the first time I was here,

you bent over...
and I noticed...

that your underwear
was quite frayed.

- Frayed?
- Frayed.

- Frayed how?
- It was stringy,

and you had holes in it as well.

And I'm coming to the conclusion

that the reason that I don't see
patients in your office...

Is because of the nature
of my underwear.

Yes. I think
they've stopped coming

because they see your underwear

and know that something's amiss,
and they stay away.

You're losing a lot of business.

Because look what it says
about you.

Slovenly, unkempt,
can't take care of himself.

Who wants to see
a doctor like that?

Nobody. I wouldn't want
to see that doctor.

Your underwear, it's threadbare
beyond all normal usage.

You gotta have
some underwear awareness.

- What the hell do I do?
- Here's a good rule of thumb.

Once the cotton detaches from
the elastic, they gotta go.

- And are your balls dangling?
- They are.

Once your balls are dangling,
it's over.

So what should I do with these,
the ones that I have?

Use them for emergencies only?

These aren't even for
emergencies. You throw them out.

A heroin addict
doesn't keep the needles.

So what do I do
about this situation?

- How about this?
- Yeah?

Suppose you write an email
to all your patients.

Hold that thought.

- Talk to me.
- Okay.

"It is vitally important to me

that my patients be able
to trust their doctor.

It has recently
come to my attention

that my underwear
is quite frayed..."

Oh, they're filming
some movie.

Sorry I can't get you closer
to your stage.

They're making me park
a little further away today.

- Oh. Well, that's okay.
- You sure?

Yeah, it's fine.

You gonna want me
to wait for you?

No, a friend of mine's
gonna take me

where I need to go later.

All righty.

Okay, ready to rehearse.

Okay. Seth,
you're sailing on your ship

and you're meeting Jormungandr.

Does this hat look stupid, man?

I just feel like
this was a mistake.

So much gack.

Why did they wear
all this shit back then?

What a cumbersome fucking ti...
Okay, ready.

The helmet looks great.

And you said you were gonna
try the accent again.

I'm gonna try the accent.

I might just ADR
the whole movie in post.

Where am I looking?

Is this top tennis ball...
What is that?

The top tennis ball
is his third eye.

Fucking shit. Okay.
Can't look down, ever.

Ready to rehearse. And action.

I am Bjorn, son of Bjorn, and we make fish.

That is what my family does.

I am the greatest fisherman
in the whole sea.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hey.


Oh, no, no, no. It's, uh,
it's car company protocol.

I'm not... They don't want me
to carry my bags.

- Oh yeah?
- They said it's sexist.

I had a whole conversation
with them.

Sure you did.

The company wants her to
do that. It's not... It's not me.

Can't disobey the car company.

I want to car...
I carried it the last time.

Okay. Sure, Larry.

- How you doing? You okay?
- Yeah.

- You want help?
- No.

- Need some help?
- No.

So it's coming together,
don't you think?

The plastic is
a great touch, I love that.

Okay. I know you want to
change the table out.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Larry.

Do you have just a quick second?
I'm sorry to interrupt.

We'll finish this up later?

- Great, okay.
- Okay, good. See you in a bit.

- What's up?
- Um...

I'm so sorry to be a...
I don't mean to be a problem.

- Do you know, uh, Jason, right?
- Jason Steinberg, yeah.

- Yeah. So, he's a Jew for Jesus.
- Yeah, I know.

It's starting to
interfere with our performing.

We're trying to rehearse,
and we're being converted, basically.

You know, a lot of pamphlets
and signs and stuff, you know.

- He's proselytizing?
- Yes.

He has mini Bibles. You know,
those little keychain Bibles.

Okay, well,
thanks for letting me know.

- I'm sure he's a good guy.
- Appreciate it, Larry.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you so much.

- Hey.
- Larry, hey! You have a second?

You know, I actually do.

That's great. Um, in the scene
where I swap with Larry

as the chauffeur
for the blind woman...

- Yeah.
- Why would she not know it's me?

Because she's blind.

Eh... I'm just not buying it.

- Oh, you're not buying it?
- Not really, no.

You're buying the virgin birth.

What's so hard to believe
about the virgin birth?

Oh, no. It's just, people get
pregnant by God all the time.

Well, they don't.
That's what makes it so special.

Why wasn't Joseph
having sex with her, by the way?

They were married.

Well, she was trying to
keep herself pure for God.

What did Mary tell Joseph
when she got pregnant?

"I have brought unto you
a miracle, the son of God.

- He grows within me."
- And then you know what Joseph did?

He went next door
and he spoke to his friend,

he said, "She's...

She's out of her fucking mind.
I gotta get out of there."

- Well, no, that's one of God's miracles.
- Yeah.

The parting of the sea

and the falling of, like,
frogs from the sky.

Look, you wanna be
a Jesus guy,

- zei gezunt, go ahead.
- Yeah.

- These Jews...
- Uh-huh.

...on the set,
are not for Jesus.

So leave them alone.
No proselytizing here.

- That's out.
- Oh, okay.

- Got it? Okay?
- No more Jesus.

- Just out of full just honesty and transparency...
- Yeah.

...I am going to be
saying his name inside,

in my heart. That's how I get
through the day.

Say it inside
as much as you want.

I will shout it
from the inside.

I don't care
what you say inside.

- Okay. Oh, shoot. Ow. Sorry.
- What's the matter?

No, it's just
my sciatica's acting up.

You need a chiropractor?
I got the guy.

My back was terrible.
This guy was really helping me.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That would be incredible.
You think he can fit me in like,

I don't know, maybe today?

Uh, yes.
I think he can fit you in today.

- I'll get you the number.
- Okay. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I think I was doing, like,
a Norwegian accent up till now,

but I'm thinking of
kinda pivoting

- to more of like a Danish accent.
- Seth. Hey.

Hey, Larry.

You got a toddler carrying
your shit around still?

- Yeah, that was, uh, slightly embarrassing.
- Yeah.

- It's a bad look.
- I know that.

- And that's why I'm here.
- Okay.

Uh, to tell you that
I'm aware of that.

- Great. As long as you're aware of it.
- I'm aware.

I get it, man.
It's tough out there.

You wanna look relatable,
you know?

That's a big part of my thing,
trust me. I'm an everyman.

- An everyman?
- Yeah.

Is that who you wanna be?

People like an everyman,
just so you know.

They may like an everyman,
but most every man is kind of stupid.

that's how I come across.

I portray myself as stupid
so people relate to me more.

- Okay, you wanna be stupid.
- I don't wanna be stupid.

I want people
to think I'm stupid.

I see. So you're a smart person
who's trying to appear stupid

so people will like you?

Yeah, and you're a nice person
appearing to be an asshole

- so no one likes you?
- Yeah.

Honestly, just, here's all
I have to say about it.

I'm working with you.
I'm associated with you from now on.

People are saying
our names in the same sentences.

- Yes.
- Try not to do things that

make you very much seem
like an asshole

to anyone who's looking at you.

- I completely get it.
- Okay.

- Just in my own defense...
- Yeah.

There are certain things that
I would prefer a man doing

- over a woman.
- No. Don't say that to anyone.

Keep that shit
to your fucking self, man.

But there are also
certain things I prefer to having

a woman over a man.

- That's also bad!
- Why is that bad?

- Like a massage?
- Don't say that shit.

I don't want a man touching me.

Larry, just stop
naming professions

and which sexes should do them
and which ones shouldn't.

- Okay. Okay.
- Don't do that.

- All sexes can do all jobs.
- Sure. No, I know they can.

But we all have
our secret preferences

as to who we want to work on us
for some particular things.

- Well, they should be secret.
- Let me ask you a question.

- What?
- Eye doctor?

I don't give a fuck.
You care who looks at your eyes?

- I don't like it if...
- I'm looking at your eyes right now!

No, but you're not hovering on.
You're not an inch away from me.

- It's an eye doctor!
- I don't like it.

Urologist? Proctologist?

- Man.
- See? That makes no sense!

You don't want a man
face to face,

but you want a man to stick
his finger up your fuckin' ass?

You're gonna feel comfortable
with a strange woman

sticking her finger up your ass?

I don't give a fuck who's
sticking their finger up my ass.

What kind of woman
becomes a urologist anyway?

A very bright,
enterprising woman

who wants to make dicks
and butts better.

Okay. You know, I might try that out.
I'm gonna try that later.

- Give it a try!
- I'm gonna let you know about that.

I would text it, okay?

Keep it to yourself.

We don't know
each other that well.

You've said 30 insane things
to me in the last few minutes.

- I'm not an everyman.
- No, you're not an everyman.

- I'm not an everyman.
- You are a singular man.

All right. So excited
you're doing the show.

- I'm excited to be working with you.
- It's gonna be great.

I look forward to Little Larry.

- So glad you're doing it.
- I'm excited to do it.

Like, you know,
what are you supposed to do?

- They send a tiny woman to...
- Just stop talking about it!

Just stop, Larry.
Walk away. Stop.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.
You need help with your bags?

Absolutely not. Thank you.

Come on in.

I'm so glad you're gonna be
here for a couple of days.

I really appreciate it.

- Thank you.
- Are you kidding me?

Just leave that there.
Come on in.

- Yeah, man. This is fun.
- All right.

- This is gonna be great.
- Yeah. Boy.

Hey, did you get
that crazy email

from that chiropractor,

- Yeah. I wrote it.
- You wrote his email?

I wrote the email.

Did you stop going to him
because of the underwear?

Yeah. Exactly.

- Did you see that underwear?
- Yeah, I did.

Was that bizarre?

Well, that's why
I wrote the email.

So, are you gonna go back?

I'm not going...
No, I wouldn't go back.

I don't understand.
Why wouldn't you go back?

It was like ancient underwear.
It was like rustic.

It was like underwear that was
from the Pilgrims or something.

You know, that's the sign
of a lot of washing.

That's a good sign.

The problem isn't just that
the underwear is frayed.

It's the person that would
put everyone in that position.

Yeah. You know what?
I'm thirsty.

Can I get something to drink?

If we stop talking
about the underwear, yeah.

Yeah, please.
Knock yourself out.

You got one Perrier left.
Can I have it?

Well, no. Not if there's one.

You're not gonna
give me the last one?

The last one goes to the host,
everyone knows that.

You got others. You got...
Want the orange juice?

- No, I don't want that.
- Grab something else.

I got the keto, I got the other.

- I wanted the Perrier.
- Why would you even ask

- if there's only one?
- Yeah.

Anyway, I feel terrible about
the car situation.

Let me do something
to help you with the car.

You're still missing the car.
Let's do... I got an app.

I got a guy in Tarzana who
will drive you a car out here.

- Yeah. No, that's okay.
- I'll go...

I'll pick up the car
from the tow place tomorrow.

- Yeah? You're sure?
- Yeah.

- What would make you happy?
- I don't know.

What can I do to help you?

Maybe I'll have
a glass of water.

The tap water is great.
I got double... two filters.

- I filter the filter.
- Is it cold?

I got ice.
You put the ice in it. It's freezing.

- Nah. Ice smells.
- I have filtered ice.

- It's cold, when it's in...
- It's smelly. I don't like it.

What do you think
of filtered water?

I was... I was just wanted
the sparkling water.

Oh! You're killing me.

You should've given me
the Perrier.

You know you can't ask
for the Perrier.

There's gonna be Perrier
tomorrow. Okay?

- Yeah.
- The car.

What can I do
to make you happy with the car?

- If you wanna do something nice...
- Yes.

- Go back and see Dr. Jacobsen.
- Never gonna happen.

I can't get that underwear
out of my head.

I'm not going to see the doctor.

Okay. You know what?
I don't wanna stay here.

- What are you...
- I don't wanna stay here.

I'd rather the roof
falling on my head in my house

than stay here.

- That's extreme, Larry.
- Okay. Yeah.

I don't think so.

Oh, because you can't have
the last Perrier?

Yeah, and you know what?

Remind me never to ask you
for any more favors.

Remind you?
Who'd ever sign up

for a reminding gig with you.

It's like a predatory contract.

I wouldn't remind you
of something

if we had a lawyer paper it.

Why would you let me get an app?

Don't do the Perrier.
That's an act of war, the Perrier.

You're better than that.

- I'm calling a car service.
- Great.

Call the goddamn car service.

Maybe they'll have
a Perrier in the car.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello.

Hey, wait. Wait a second.
What are you doing?

Hey, don't... don't...
Don't take those.

I got those bags. Stop it.

Hey, come on. Stop it. Hold it.
Here, here, give me those.

- Gimme those, stop it.
- Let me. Get your hands off it!

What are you doing?

Give me the bag, sir.

Look, Mommy. Mommy! That man
is beating up that woman.

No, she...
She won't let me carry...

They're my bags!

Oh, my God.
Honey, don't look.

Remind me never to
drive you again.

Oh, don't worry.
I own that remindership.

You will never ever have to
think about that

for the rest of your life.
That's on me.

It's a little hard to describe,
but the way I like to think of it is,

I was in this beautiful room.

- There was Judaism.
- Mm-hmm.

It was just dark. And I assumed
it was a windowless room.

And then Christ shows up,
and it's not windowless.

It's just that the windows
are closed.

And it's like, "Oh, I get it." And
everything clicked with me and I was like,

"Oh, wait! Jesus was Jewish.
Oh, wait.

Everyone that wrote
the Old Testament,

everyone that wrote
the New Testament,

they were all Jews."

And I'm doing the same things,
but the things have meaning.

I actually got a pamphlet
if you're interested.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Larry.
Can I borrow your charger?

- Huh?
- I'm down to four percent.

Well, where's your charger?

I don't fucking know where
the fucking charger's at.

I been trying to find it
since I was at 17 percent.

I'm at nine percent.
I'm charging. I'm working.

Tell you what,
give me some juice until I get to seven,

and then we'll go back
and forth, back and forth.

Listen, we're not
at the bottom of the ocean

sharing one tank of oxygen.
That's suicide.

- We'll both die.
- Why is it suicide?

- I'm at three percent.
- It's Sophie's choice.

And you're the baby who's going.

Where the fuck is my shit at?

Let me get to 15.
Is that too much to ask?

Larry, fucking look over there.

My fucking charger
is right there.

And the fucking wire
is going from there

up through the fucking window.

- The roofer took your charger?
- You fat motherfucker!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let it go, motherfucker.
Let it go.

- Come here, come here.
- Let it go, you fat bitch.

Take the rest of the day off.

Fucking back.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, you're not
gonna believe this.

Oh my God! Holy fuck!
That's not a good look.

I'm not working with that guy.

- How does this feel?
- Feels good.

Ah, Larry! Who's this guy?
Who's this guy I'm working on?

Look at you. You're good as new.

Hey, you notice
anything different out there?

Oh, you mean something
called patients?

- Patients!
- Yes.

I got patients back here.

- It's remarkable.
- Larry, they were so grateful

that I upgraded the underwear.

I'm so happy for you.
And I can't thank you enough.

You did such a great job
on my back.

"'I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds, '

declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 30:17.


I would love to tell you
about our Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ. I have pamphlets.

Oh, fuck.