Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - Episode #11.3 - full transcript
Thank you, guys. I don't know
what happened over at Netflix,
but big mitzvah that you brought it
over here, to Hulu.
- We're so happy to be here.
- So happy.
So, let's talk tachles.
- What is that?
- Tachles, real talk.
Let's get to it.
Young Larry, the rewrite, liked it,
didn't love it.
So you didn't like it.
That's not what we're saying.
I liked it. They liked it.
- They liked it? Or they liked it?
- All three of them.
I'm not non-binary. I'm only a they
when I'm with a group of people.
- Are you plural?
- No, I'm gay.
And there you have it.
So, casting.
I was thinking, for the role
of Uncle Moe, Ted Danson.
- You can't get away from him.
- No, he's everywhere.
Anything he touches
turns to comedy gold.
I don't know. He's not really
the right type.
We like Ted, but what do I know?
I'm just a Jew from the Valley.
It's somebody we could consider,
for sure.
I'll tell you what though.
I've got somebody for Marsha Lifshitz
who's a discovery.
And her name is Maria Sofia Estrada,
and she's fantastic.
Great.
I was just wondering,
is she Jewish?
- You can't ask that.
- No, it's okay in this office.
- You can ask.
- Why can't you ask that?
- I think it's illegal.
- Get the fuck out of here. Illegal.
Listen, if you like her, we like her.
Can we see some tape?
- See what?
- Tape. That's the process.
It's that, you know, we'd like
to give it the old network stamp.
- Yeah.
- Well...
- Tape.
- It's a visual medium, this TV thing.
That's great. We'll get 'em tape.
- We'll get you some tape.
- Terrific. We can't wait.
Great meeting, really good.
And on behalf of everybody,
welcome to Hulu.
Thank you very much.
Or as we call it in this office,
Jew-lu.
- It's my office.
- Only you do that.
Hey, Larry, come for Shabbos dinner
one of these weekends.
We had Bari Weiss last Friday night.
She's fantastic.
- Did that guy ever do standup?
- Not to my knowledge.
And if he did,
he couldn't have been good.
He really leans into that Jew stuff,
doesn't he?
Like a bad comic,
every other word is Jew this, Jew that.
Terrible.
Did you slam the door
on your way out?
No.
I just got a text from them upstairs,
saying,
"Is Larry mad? He slammed
the door when he left."
No, I'm not mad.
It's hard to gauge a door
you aren't familiar with.
In the future, I promise I will try
and be a little more considerate
of my door closing.
What the hell we gonna do
about this tape?
I mean, she stinks to high heaven.
What about an acting coach?
Acting class.
- Cheryl teaches acting now.
- You're kidding me.
No. Great idea, let's ask Cheryl.
- She'll keep it on QT.
- Absolutely.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I have a little thing
I need to discuss with you.
Why didn't you text me?
I could've, but then I would've missed
that look of disappointment wash over
your face when you open the door,
and that was priceless.
- Do you want to come in?
- Sure.
Please.
What is that?
Hot dog eating contest?
This Friday?
- So disgusting.
- That's so gross.
You know, women do these now too.
That would be fun to date
a woman hot dog eater.
Take her out to dinner.
I'll have a salmon.
She'll have 32 hot dogs.
Why are you here?
Well, you know that
pilot I'm doing?
There's an actress in the show.
God, how do I even say this?
Well, she stinks.
- But you cast her?
- Yeah.
Why would you cast her
if she's not good?
I can't get into all this now.
Suffice it to say,
she has to be in the show,
and she has to be better than she is.
And we need to have a good tape
for her to show Hulu.
- All right. Easy.
- No. It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, we can set up the camera
and make a nice tape for Hulu.
And they'll be thrilled.
We'll just work
on the dialogue a little bit
and we'll do some serious
character study.
- Maybe do some vocal exercises...
- Please, spare me the bullshit.
- Thank you.
- It's not bullshit.
It's actually technique that people...
You're welcome.
Andy, Cassie, come on. Make yourself
at home. Come get a drink.
So you guys are getting the emails
from my office every month.
- I don't read them, no.
- I don't read them either.
You're my business manager.
I pay you to take care of that.
Jeff. Can you help me
in the kitchen please?
Listen, I need some advice from you.
I met this girl a few nights ago
at a bar.
She was so gorgeous,
way outside my coverage.
Nice, Harry, beautiful.
She just gave me her number,
so then I gave her my number.
But then when I'm going home,
I just texted her,
"Hey, that was really cool. Do you want
to go get a drink Thursday night?"
And she immediately replied yes.
Just bam, right there.
Then I got greedy. And I texted back:
"How about some food
to go with those drinks?"
- Oh, no.
- She hasn't texted me in two days.
- You pushed the dinner...
- I blew it, right?
I scared the rabbit away.
I ran at it.
The desperation came through.
You couldn't contain it.
I don't know what to do.
You have any ideas?
You got to send her something funny.
It's got to be funny.
- Something funny, okay.
- It's got to be a funny text.
- I think I might have something.
- What?
Say, "Actually, I can't have dinner
on Thursday."
"Because I'm in a hot dog eating
contest the next day,"
"and I don't want to ruin my appetite."
It's funny.
You're saying, hey, I fucked up,
okay?
But look, I'm a funny guy.
I fucked up, and I'm a funny guy.
Let's see what happens.
God damn, yes!
- You like it?
- It's nice to see you.
- Thanks for having me.
- How's the mattress world?
Still the mattress champ. Just opened
a new outlet in Victorville.
That's fantastic.
I'm putting super homies
in mattresses. I'm killin' it.
Honestly. But the thing I'm doing now,
which is a little bit more creative,
is a hotel.
The Funkhouse.
It's Beverly Hills adjacent.
It's kind of a boutique.
It's an interesting space.
I want to hear everything.
I got stuff in the oven.
Go get yourself a drink,
and we'll talk later.
Sounds reasonable. Thanks again
for having me. You look terrific.
Hey, guys.
I'm kidding. It's all nerds and Nazis.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
My man, how are ya?
What's this about a hotel?
You bought a hotel?
I'm doing the whole thing.
It's exciting, huh?
That's amazing.
Congratulations.
Well, we'll see how it goes,
but I feel very good.
What are you doing
about the mini bar?
What do you mean what am I gonna
do about the mini bar? It's a mini bar.
They're kind of fascinating to me,
the mini bars.
You know, you go into the room,
you're kind of excited about,
what do they have?
Then you see some items.
I don't know why they got that one.
What are they thinking
about with thing, you know?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Suppose I, Larry David,
went shopping for your mini bar
and picked out your mini bar?
This is a business. It's not a hobby.
I'm really gonna open the hotel.
I completely understand.
Why is somebody better
at that than I am?
I know potato chips. I know M&Ms.
They told me not to open up
a mattress shop in Temecula.
They said it's all credit card junkies
and supercross.
I did it. And guess what?
I'm slaughtering it.
If you think you can do it,
I think you can do it.
I'll go shopping.
And I'll show you what I got.
Yeah. The answer for you is yes.
I want to hear it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to see
what you come up with.
- I got to get to work.
- And don't overthink it.
- Hey.
- Are you mad at me?
No, why would I be mad at you?
I'm doing you a favor,
and you slammed the door on me.
Really?
You don't hear that as a slamming
of the door?
I didn't hear a door slam. I'm sorry.
Okay, well then you must be door deaf.
It's interesting that you would say that
because I've always thought
my hearing was a cut above
the average person.
Especially disparaging remarks
directed at me.
"You're a fucking asshole."
I hear that like from 50 yards away.
"I hate fuckin' guy."
You know, stuff like that.
- You can hear that?
- Everybody, supper's ready.
- Let's go, let's eat.
- Come on, cousin.
All right, I'm up.
Sit wherever you want.
Jeff, I want you there.
- Freddy, perfect.
- Thank you.
Cassie, you sit there.
All right, I guess I'll sit here.
Look at this. Look at your leopard...
So, listen, I'm so happy to have
you all here. I want to do a toast.
I just want to say thank you all
for coming.
And I want to make a toast
to friendship.
Yes, to friendship.
To friendship
and to be with everyone.
- Cassie, Harry.
- Cheers.
Larry, you can't look me in the eye
and toast?
- Look you in the eye?
- Yeah.
- Towards what end?
- Because that's what people do.
- They look each other in the eye.
- What is this, a séance?
We're raising people from the dead?
Come on, give me a break.
No, we're connecting
and having some intimacy.
I don't need to connect.
I'm connected.
- What are you afraid of?
- What does it do?
You're saying, hello, I see you.
I acknowledge you. I connect with you.
Hello. I see you. I acknowledge you.
I connect with you.
Very funny. You made your point.
I think you're rude.
- You see how stupid it is?
- Yeah. I think you're rude.
So I'm in a bookstore the other day,
okay?
And I'm looking for a book
about Eleanor Roosevelt, okay?
And I'm looking,
and I'm looking under R, nothing.
I go to the Es,
a book on Eleanor Roosevelt.
It was crazy. It was nuts.
Can you imagine?
You know what could've happened,
I'm not saying it's definite,
but maybe somebody
new was working,
maybe somebody younger,
and they just didn't know.
You know, that's true.
I saw people there,
some in their 20s, 30s too, couple.
- Okay, maybe it's forgivable.
- The important thing is you found it.
I did.
And now you're reading it,
and that's great.
They don't know the Dewey Decimal
system anymore.
They're not going to libraries.
They're going on their computer.
I decided to go to a bookstore
and not go online.
- Have you seen this?
- We could get reclaimed wood.
If you're doing a big room,
sometimes they don't have enough
of the same stuff that matches.
If you go to the right supplier,
you do.
I'll tell you what I was thinking too.
There's a thing. There's resin, okay?
- It's two polymers...
- Is it resin or rah-sin?
- No, it's resin, R-E-S-I-N.
- What does it look like?
I guess it's whatever you want it to.
Cheryl, have you had
to put any new wood in
or flooring in your house at all?
No.
That's another thing we haven't
decided, dark wood, light wood.
Maybe it could stain the mahogany.
But that would be silly.
Larry, will you meet me
in the kitchen for a second?
- I need your help with something.
- Sure.
- I like the tiles that look like wood.
- If you get heavy, heavy wood...
- It's a fuckin' nightmare.
- Yeah. This is a disaster.
It's a complete disaster.
My dinner party, done.
Because Andy and Cassie
are in the middle.
- That's what it is.
- And they can't middle.
You have to be able to carry
the conversation.
You have to be interesting.
You're the point guard there.
- You're distributing the ball.
- They can't fucking middle.
Look it now.
Andy loves it. I love it.
Skylar loves it. I can't believe it.
- Do you like fishing, Cheryl?
- No.
Oh my God, fishing!
Can we save this?
- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you, Larry.
It's the bucket of bait, okay?
Which is called chum,
I don't know why.
And she takes it,
and she puts it onto the hook.
She knew what she was doing.
She was born to it. She's great.
Okay. I'm sorry. This dinner
is not going very well.
And the reason it's not going well
is because the wrong people
are in the middle.
- What?
- Yeah. You can't handle the middle.
You're not a middler.
Andy, not everybody has
the personality for the middle.
It's very presumptuous of you
to even be sitting here.
Freddy happens to be a great middle,
I know that.
I'd like Freddy and Cassie to switch,
and Andy and Larry.
I have told these stories before
and gotten laughs.
- Thank you, Cheryl.
- You're welcome.
- Let me just finish the story.
- No. No more boat.
All right.
This is how you middle, okay?
- Guess who I ran into today?
- Who?
- Callie Lang.
- Get outta here.
I thought she was dead,
stage 4, man.
No. She survived her cancer.
She's okay.
She's living in Bend, Oregon.
- Really?
- Bend, Oregon?
I got to tell ya, some of the best
advice I ever got in my life
was from Callie Lang.
When I was starting the business, you
may forget this, but I was deciding,
do I go chairs,
or do I go mattresses?
And she said, "Freddy,
not everybody wants to sit".
- "But everybody's got to sleep."
- That's right!
And I never looked back.
I think I listened to it
because she was stage 4.
It had like an impact to it.
I had the same sort of experience
with her because she was stage 4.
We were having a long talk, and she
gave me some very good advice.
And she said:
"Don't ever sign a prenup."
And I didn't.
And it was very good advice.
That worked out
very well for you, Cheryl.
It did.
She was smart about that.
She was a sage. She gave me
some advice when she was stage 4.
She's the one who you told you
not to sign a prenup?
Yes. She had some sort of perspective
that other people don't have.
- It's good advice.
- You know what she did for us, Jeff?
Do you remember, we were going
through that really rough patch,
and we were gonna split?
And she said, "Work it out. You guys
are meant for each other."
"You're gonna have a long,
wonderful life and a marriage."
Cheers to that.
This is a great conversation.
- Bravo to you and to you guys.
- I'm happy for you.
Let me ask you this question, what
about stage 3 advice? What do you do?
- And death is not looming?
- What percentage?
20 percent.
You listen 20 percent.
What about you?
- 60/40.
- 60/40. Freddy.
That's a true coin flip for me.
I could go either way with that one.
- Harry.
- I listen but grain of salt.
You couldn't pay me to listen
to advice from a stage 3.
Stage 4 only.
Stage 3 doesn't get his ear.
I don't believe it.
You're good.
You're very good.
What is this?
Remember that woman
that I was texting with?
You said I should tell her that
I'm doing a hot dog eating contest?
Yeah. What happened?
She believed me.
Oh my God, you're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
- How could she believe that?
It's a joke.
But you know what happened was
you gave me a lie so fucking crazy
that she's like, well, why
would he lie about this?
This has to be true.
Who's the guy that said the bigger
the lie, the more they believe it?
Goebbels.
Yeah, you gave me
a Goebbels level lie.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Are you saying I achieved
Goebbels lying status?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause Goebbels is the GOAT.
And you know what happens when
you use a lie from the GOAT?
Not only did she believe it,
but she's impressed.
She's like obsessed with it now.
She texts me all day.
"When did you get into hot dogs?
Do you like pork or beef?"
I'm so paranoid she's gonna
come over to my place,
I had to go to Eagle Rock
to a little trophy store,
have a trophy made up for a hot dog
eating contest that I won in 1998
that I was never in.
What are you gonna do
about the hot dog eating contest?
You're gonna be in the contest?
Fuck no. I'm gonna keep this going
as long as I can.
Hopefully, we can hook up,
and then I can have my doctor
text me or call me and say,
"because of your health, I'm gonna
have to recommend that you drop out".
I got to make up a doctor now.
- By the way...
- What?
I wouldn't be so fast to drop
the hot dog eating.
Clearly, this is the best thing
you've got going for ya.
Yeah, well, here's your taxes.
Enjoy your refund, Goebbels.
Sorry, Harry. I did the best I could.
Yeah, well, you did too good.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey. My man.
Hey, what's happening
in Mary Ferguson town?
I'm having a hard time finding
a new Mary Ferguson.
I'm surprised you found two.
Let me show you my ad for the
brand new one. Loot at this shit.
Do you love adventure? Do you want
to travel to Asia for free?
Is your name Mary Ferguson?
If the answer to all three of these
questions is yes,
then contact Leon Black. Perfect.
I'm thinking about adding,
I ain't about that bullshit.
Yeah. Put it in.
That'll be a big sell.
- That'll sell 'em, for sure.
- I'm posting this shit everywhere.
You know how a motherfucker
lose their dog?
I'm putting this shit on fuckin'
telephone poles and trees and shit.
Who's looking at trees? Nobody's
walking on the street looking at trees.
The nicest people in the world
are people who will return
a fuckin' dog to you.
Who's not gonna return a dog?
What kind of asshole?
I kept a dog for six years
one time I found.
What? Did it have a collar?
Was there a number to call?
Fuck yeah!
It had all the goodies.
- So why didn't you call?
- 'Cause I fucking liked the dog.
You know how many times I walked by
the sign on the fuckin' tree that said,
"lost dog", and it was this
motherfucker right here?
- That's cruel.
- But I loved that motherfuckin' dog.
By the way, I got an idea that might
be perfect for your fuckin' mini bar.
Really?
People go to hotels to fuck,
you understand?
I understand, but that's not
necessarily true. But go ahead.
So I take all the elements of a ED pill,
and I infuse it into a beverage.
I call it "Tap Water".
- Tap Water?
- Based on tapping that ass.
- I understand what it's based on.
- That's what people go to hotels to do.
Just like an energy drink
for your dick.
I really think
you're onto something here.
- Good idea, right?
- One of your best.
Hey, man, you're missin' out.
People love to stay hydrated and fuck.
- There he is.
- Geez.
- How are ya?
- What is this?
We were just takin' a walk.
It's a beautiful day.
Thought we'd stop by, say hello,
and if you want to join us, come.
I don't really like a purposeless walk.
But thank you.
What does that mean, a purposeless
walk? The walk is the purpose.
The walk has to be the secondary
activity, not the primary activity.
For example, you walk on a golf
course, it's a secondary activity.
The primary activity is the golf.
Okay. All right.
She has something to ask.
We're having a dinner party
in two nights,
and we would really like it
if you would middle, please.
- Please.
- When is it?
Thursday night.
- Why? Come on.
- I can't.
- Come on. Why not?
- Why?
Because I'm in a hot dog eating
contest the next day.
Larry, shut up.
No, you're not.
Seriously, I'm in a hot dog
eating contest the next day,
and I can't eat that night.
Yeah.
What if you just come
and you don't eat?
You can't sit in a table and not eat.
You feel crazy.
Anyway, I got to go pick up
somebody up.
- I gotta get going.
- Okay.
Hi, guys.
Come in, come in.
Maria Sofia, this is Cheryl.
Hi, Maria Sofia.
Really nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
Nice to meet you too.
This house, beautiful.
You got your bag in the divorce.
Okay. This is my little makeshift
studio. You can put your stuff down.
- Thank you.
- I'll be there in one second.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Yes!
Okay, Maria Sofia.
I'm gonna record this.
And pretend like this is not
even here, okay?
Okay.
Marsha, come out here.
I want to talk to you.
Marsha steps out into the balcony,
weaving through the billowing laundry.
You don't need to read that.
That is just an action line.
Sorry, that was weird.
Let's start from the beginning.
Marsha, come out here.
I want to talk to you.
- I'm right here!
- Stop screaming.
I wasn't screaming!
Okay, also, if it's in parenthesis,
you shouldn't say it either.
Fine, I got it. I got it.
Okay. I wanted to talk to you
about that David boy.
- Larry.
- Yeah, that's his name.
- Larry David.
- Well, what about him?
I feel like you're being seductive
right now.
- You're talking to your mother.
- Are we not close?
In real life, do you ever talk
to your mother like that?
No, I don't seduce my mom.
What is wrong with you? God.
I'm talking to her about my boyfriend,
aren't I?
I don't really care for him.
I think he's mentally disturbed.
He's not mentally disturbed.
And the worm.
I saw that choice that you made,
and maybe it's time
to make a new choice.
- Like what kind of dance?
- No, not...
You want a little bit of salsa?
Let's just keep going.
You want bald children
with no brains, go right ahead.
I don't have to listen to you.
If I want to see Larry,
I will see Larry.
Let's just take five.
You'd be surprised what motherfucker's
like in a mini bar.
- Black licorice.
- Perfect.
Yeah. I think so.
Okay, we got our first item.
- Olives.
- Black or green or both?
Maybe both.
Fuckin' mushroom jerky.
They jerked a fuckin' mushroom.
Figs. I can't even believe
how good this is.
Already, we're packed.
- Fudge!
- Wasabi-flavored peas.
This is the best mini bar of all time.
Hello?
Hey, yeah, I left my jacket
at your ex-wife's house.
Can you call her and just see
if she can look for it?
All right, hold on.
Okay, thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey, it's me.
So Maria Sofia called me.
She thinks she left her jacket
at your house.
I'm pretty sure it's not here.
I haven't seen any jacket.
- Okay. All right. Thanks.
- Okay, bye.
- It's not there.
- No, it's there.
She liked the flowers and shit,
so maybe she doesn't want
to actually look for it.
What are you suggesting,
that she's keeping your jacket?
Well, she said she liked it. Now
she's saying that she can't find it.
So what am I supposed to think?
Oh my God. Are you out of your mind?
You know what, it's my jacket,
and I'm gonna find it.
All right, okay.
I hate to sound immodest,
but I don't think you're gonna find
a better mini bar display,
not just in the country, in the world.
This is just amazing stuff here.
Do we love the sound of that?
Wasabi peas!
People love wasabi peas.
They're gonna slide out that drawer.
They're gonna freak out.
They got peas, Wasabi peas!
What else do we got here?
Oh my God.
What is this?
It's a parmesan crisp.
This is one of the world's
great crackers.
There's parmesan in this.
You like parmesan?
Freddy, I've seen you
at Italian restaurants,
going like this with parmesan cheese.
Come on.
And this, you're not gonna
find anywhere.
No, you're not gonna find that
in a mini bar.
Okay. Come on. Figs.
You ever seen it in a mini bar? No.
Of course not. Why?
Nobody's thought of it.
I have.
- Do you like figs?
- I wouldn't say I'm a fig guy.
- You like figs?
- I'm not a big fig fan.
I'm giving you gold here. Figs.
The coup de grâce,
peppermint patty.
- Classic.
- You like a peppermint patty?
I can't say I'm a big fan. I don't
really like peppermint patties.
What do you eat? What is your story?
You don't seem to like anything.
It doesn't matter what I like.
It matters what our customers like.
So here's the headline here, okay.
We're liking this, but not loving it.
What do you mean? Who?
Well, we had a focus group
in La Ca?ada.
And we let them enjoy the experience,
and we got numbers on all of this stuff.
Which can be helpful.
So like, if I talked to you about
men over 25 on say the figs...
About 15 percent would recommend it.
Only about 15 percent of the men
are liking it.
If you deal with educated men, men
that have four years of college?
It's a little higher at 20 percent.
But if we go to the uneducated men,
you know, high school or less?
Then it's lower, about 8 percent.
What we want to try to do is we want
everyone at least in the 70s, 80s.
So the bottom line here is, we need
a four-quadrant mini bar.
Would you possibly be open to working
and collaborating with a co-curator?
Forget it, Freddy,
it's not gonna happen.
There's no co-curator.
I'm the curator.
This is my mini bar.
These are my ideas.
And if you don't like it, I go.
I wish you could've been there
in La Ca?ada
'cause again, liking,
just not loving the ideas.
I think we're done.
Did you want to take home
the numbers?
I really don't.
I'm really not interested.
- I'm sorry that you feel that way.
- Big mistake. You know what else?
I don't want you using any of my ideas.
I'll fuckin' sue you.
You're just gonna be throwing
your money away.
You're gonna sue me
for the peppermint patty?
If you don't have the vision
to know how amazing a Wasabi pea
would be in a mini bar,
I really don't want anything to do
with you. Thank you for your time.
All right,
let's go with the other guy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, Maria Sofia. Come on in.
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Good.
So listen, I've been doing a lot
of studying, reading up on the Jews.
They use their hands a lot.
So I think I would do
something like this.
I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Okay. Why don't you go ahead and
get comfortable in the studio?
- I will be there in a just a minute.
- Good idea.
Can I talk to you for a second?
She is the worst actress
I have ever seen in my life.
An eating disorder?
She reads her character's name
before she reads the line.
She reads the stage direction.
Larry and Marsha sit
at the table eating.
She also does weird things
with her body, physically.
I mean, she's gyrating.
She's practically saying her lines,
and she's gyrating. Look at her.
- Eat them latkesi!
- She's so awful.
Just get the best tape you can,
and send it to casting, okay?
Okay.
She was wearing the yellow dress.
Larry, she's gonna kill your show,
like a cancer.
Like a cancer.
Oy vey, motherfuckers!
You got it? Hey.
Hey, what do you say?
This is my friend, Jeff.
- Hey, Jeff.
- This is Marcos.
He is the world's
greatest taco connoisseur.
- So they say.
- Great, thanks for coming.
My pleasure.
- What?
- Check out the menu.
Okay.
Poor guy. He's got cancer.
And I feel so terrible for him.
You know how bad it is?
- Stage 4.
- Man...
Anyway, if you need any advice
about anything at all,
he's possessed with stage 4 wisdom.
- Stage 4.
- Yeah. He knows so much.
You mind if I ask him some questions?
Yeah, you should.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Yeah?
I'm Marcos. I was wondering
if I can ask you a question.
Now is the time.
This place is doing okay. It's just,
I was wondering if you had
any advice
on taking it to the next level.
- Do you serve breakfast?
- We don't, no.
That would be the addition you need.
People love breakfast burritos.
You'll never have anyone turn down
a breakfast burrito.
Oh my God, so true.
- Want my own personal favorite?
- Please.
Waffle and a breakfast burrito.
You wrap the waffle?
You wrap the waffle amongst itself
and rice pudding.
And also, you're gonna have to do
a lot of social media.
I'm not good at it, you know?
If you don't like it,
maybe you have a son or a daughter
who enjoys social media.
I do have a daughter, but she
doesn't have time for that stuff.
She's gonna be an actress.
You know, I've been in show business
a long time.
And I'm gonna tell you something
that I tell every parent.
Don't do it. Don't allow your child
to be an actress.
Really?
I've met many a good young actress
whose life has been ruined by
the business. That's what I feel.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Man, I thought she was gonna be
a star. But I guess I was wrong.
- What are you gonna do?
- Now, how about that taco?
- I'll get you guys a taco.
- Thank you.
What can I get you guys?
Okay, so what's really important
about this is the emotion behind it.
Think about something that makes you
mad while you're reading this scene.
- Can you do that?
- Yeah.
You've got a good attitude.
Let's do it from there then.
He's got mailman written all over him.
You want bald children with no brains,
go right ahead.
I don't have to listen to you!
If I want to see Larry,
I am gonna see Larry.
You are a horrible mother.
I never want to see you again.
And I know that you stole
my jacket.
- What are you talking about?
- Back up. Don't touch me.
What are you saying?
I don't know what you're talking about!
What are you doing? Let her go!
Get off me, Uncle Moe.
What is wrong with you?
Hang on, Cheryl!
Cheryl! I'm coming.
- I want my jacket back!
- Let her go!
Uncle Moe, I want my jacket back!
Bring it on. I can take both of you!
- Okay. Dinner is served.
- Here you go, please.
Take a seat.
We have no place cards.
- Sit wherever you'd like.
- Right here.
Susie, would you mind sitting
in the middle?
No, I'd rather sit here.
I don't want to middle.
- Cheryl, please.
- I'm gonna sit next to Susie.
No, Andy, thank you.
- Greg, please.
- No, we're good. I'm left handed.
Harry, if you'd like to...
I really don't feel like middling.
I probably can't see over those.
Where is Larry? He is the middle.
Larry should be the middle.
- I know. He's a great middle.
- He's supposed to be here.
He has a hot dog eating contest
tomorrow morning.
Wait. Is it the same one
you're in, Harry?
It's... I'm doing a hot dog eating
contest with Larry tomorrow.
- You are?
- I am.
- I'd love to see that.
- No, you don't.
Please.
Oh my God, I would love to see it.
All right. Yeah.
Oh my God. This is gonna be so fun.
Harry, why don't you grab a seat
in the middle,
and you could tell us all
how it came about?
But you better not eat anything.
Great, come on, over here.
So how we doing so far?
And I mean, J to J.
- We're delighted.
- Delighted, happy. All of it.
Great. And I hope we're in
agreement about Maria Sofia
because we watched her video.
And we didn't like it.
It happens.
We loved it.
- We flipped for it. She's incredible.
- The passion.
- Well, I'm glad you liked it, but...
- I got to see it again.
I'm sorry. Let me just show you this.
We've been watching it all morning
and just dying from it.
Let's just watch it.
I never want to see you again.
And I know you stole my jacket!
That is acting.
I swear, I actually believe
she got her jacket stolen.
She did, yeah.
No, she really did.
And look at the physical comedy.
That's not comedy.
She actually is in a fight.
You can't teach that.
Here comes Ted.
There he is. And there he goes.
What a takedown. Maria steals it.
She steals the whole damn thing.
She's not stealing anything.
He doesn't know what to do
'cause his girlfriend's getting pummeled
by this maniac short order cook!
All right. Can you turn it off?
That's the show.
Alas, she's not gonna be able
to do the show.
She's quitting acting. Her father's
not letting her do it anymore.
- It's sad. It's a shame.
- Okay, here's the thing.
I called her to tell her that
I was floored by this audition.
- You called who?
- Maria.
Her dad gets on the phone,
a mensch, by the way.
And she's back. She's in.
- You called her father?
- It's all good.
What's the matter?
- Is he mad?
- A little.
And now the moment
you've all been waiting for.
First Friday's Frankfurter Fest!
- I don't get you. I really don't.
- You don't get me?
Yeah.
Why'd you tell 'em they can come?
'Cause they got excited because of
a text you told me to fuckin' send.
So you say no.
You can't come.
I'm nervous eating hot dogs
in front of people.
And then neither one of us
will be here now.
A fuckin' girl that I'm excited about
now is excited to see me.
She's stroking my arm.
And I'm gonna go, no, don't do that.
You're a big celebrity now that you're
in a hot dog eating contest.
I'm not a fuckin' big celebrity.
But she was excited.
You told them.
I told them because it worked
on one idiot. And it worked again.
You're the one that told me
to send the text. God damn it!
Eat it! Come on!
what happened over at Netflix,
but big mitzvah that you brought it
over here, to Hulu.
- We're so happy to be here.
- So happy.
So, let's talk tachles.
- What is that?
- Tachles, real talk.
Let's get to it.
Young Larry, the rewrite, liked it,
didn't love it.
So you didn't like it.
That's not what we're saying.
I liked it. They liked it.
- They liked it? Or they liked it?
- All three of them.
I'm not non-binary. I'm only a they
when I'm with a group of people.
- Are you plural?
- No, I'm gay.
And there you have it.
So, casting.
I was thinking, for the role
of Uncle Moe, Ted Danson.
- You can't get away from him.
- No, he's everywhere.
Anything he touches
turns to comedy gold.
I don't know. He's not really
the right type.
We like Ted, but what do I know?
I'm just a Jew from the Valley.
It's somebody we could consider,
for sure.
I'll tell you what though.
I've got somebody for Marsha Lifshitz
who's a discovery.
And her name is Maria Sofia Estrada,
and she's fantastic.
Great.
I was just wondering,
is she Jewish?
- You can't ask that.
- No, it's okay in this office.
- You can ask.
- Why can't you ask that?
- I think it's illegal.
- Get the fuck out of here. Illegal.
Listen, if you like her, we like her.
Can we see some tape?
- See what?
- Tape. That's the process.
It's that, you know, we'd like
to give it the old network stamp.
- Yeah.
- Well...
- Tape.
- It's a visual medium, this TV thing.
That's great. We'll get 'em tape.
- We'll get you some tape.
- Terrific. We can't wait.
Great meeting, really good.
And on behalf of everybody,
welcome to Hulu.
Thank you very much.
Or as we call it in this office,
Jew-lu.
- It's my office.
- Only you do that.
Hey, Larry, come for Shabbos dinner
one of these weekends.
We had Bari Weiss last Friday night.
She's fantastic.
- Did that guy ever do standup?
- Not to my knowledge.
And if he did,
he couldn't have been good.
He really leans into that Jew stuff,
doesn't he?
Like a bad comic,
every other word is Jew this, Jew that.
Terrible.
Did you slam the door
on your way out?
No.
I just got a text from them upstairs,
saying,
"Is Larry mad? He slammed
the door when he left."
No, I'm not mad.
It's hard to gauge a door
you aren't familiar with.
In the future, I promise I will try
and be a little more considerate
of my door closing.
What the hell we gonna do
about this tape?
I mean, she stinks to high heaven.
What about an acting coach?
Acting class.
- Cheryl teaches acting now.
- You're kidding me.
No. Great idea, let's ask Cheryl.
- She'll keep it on QT.
- Absolutely.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I have a little thing
I need to discuss with you.
Why didn't you text me?
I could've, but then I would've missed
that look of disappointment wash over
your face when you open the door,
and that was priceless.
- Do you want to come in?
- Sure.
Please.
What is that?
Hot dog eating contest?
This Friday?
- So disgusting.
- That's so gross.
You know, women do these now too.
That would be fun to date
a woman hot dog eater.
Take her out to dinner.
I'll have a salmon.
She'll have 32 hot dogs.
Why are you here?
Well, you know that
pilot I'm doing?
There's an actress in the show.
God, how do I even say this?
Well, she stinks.
- But you cast her?
- Yeah.
Why would you cast her
if she's not good?
I can't get into all this now.
Suffice it to say,
she has to be in the show,
and she has to be better than she is.
And we need to have a good tape
for her to show Hulu.
- All right. Easy.
- No. It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, we can set up the camera
and make a nice tape for Hulu.
And they'll be thrilled.
We'll just work
on the dialogue a little bit
and we'll do some serious
character study.
- Maybe do some vocal exercises...
- Please, spare me the bullshit.
- Thank you.
- It's not bullshit.
It's actually technique that people...
You're welcome.
Andy, Cassie, come on. Make yourself
at home. Come get a drink.
So you guys are getting the emails
from my office every month.
- I don't read them, no.
- I don't read them either.
You're my business manager.
I pay you to take care of that.
Jeff. Can you help me
in the kitchen please?
Listen, I need some advice from you.
I met this girl a few nights ago
at a bar.
She was so gorgeous,
way outside my coverage.
Nice, Harry, beautiful.
She just gave me her number,
so then I gave her my number.
But then when I'm going home,
I just texted her,
"Hey, that was really cool. Do you want
to go get a drink Thursday night?"
And she immediately replied yes.
Just bam, right there.
Then I got greedy. And I texted back:
"How about some food
to go with those drinks?"
- Oh, no.
- She hasn't texted me in two days.
- You pushed the dinner...
- I blew it, right?
I scared the rabbit away.
I ran at it.
The desperation came through.
You couldn't contain it.
I don't know what to do.
You have any ideas?
You got to send her something funny.
It's got to be funny.
- Something funny, okay.
- It's got to be a funny text.
- I think I might have something.
- What?
Say, "Actually, I can't have dinner
on Thursday."
"Because I'm in a hot dog eating
contest the next day,"
"and I don't want to ruin my appetite."
It's funny.
You're saying, hey, I fucked up,
okay?
But look, I'm a funny guy.
I fucked up, and I'm a funny guy.
Let's see what happens.
God damn, yes!
- You like it?
- It's nice to see you.
- Thanks for having me.
- How's the mattress world?
Still the mattress champ. Just opened
a new outlet in Victorville.
That's fantastic.
I'm putting super homies
in mattresses. I'm killin' it.
Honestly. But the thing I'm doing now,
which is a little bit more creative,
is a hotel.
The Funkhouse.
It's Beverly Hills adjacent.
It's kind of a boutique.
It's an interesting space.
I want to hear everything.
I got stuff in the oven.
Go get yourself a drink,
and we'll talk later.
Sounds reasonable. Thanks again
for having me. You look terrific.
Hey, guys.
I'm kidding. It's all nerds and Nazis.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
My man, how are ya?
What's this about a hotel?
You bought a hotel?
I'm doing the whole thing.
It's exciting, huh?
That's amazing.
Congratulations.
Well, we'll see how it goes,
but I feel very good.
What are you doing
about the mini bar?
What do you mean what am I gonna
do about the mini bar? It's a mini bar.
They're kind of fascinating to me,
the mini bars.
You know, you go into the room,
you're kind of excited about,
what do they have?
Then you see some items.
I don't know why they got that one.
What are they thinking
about with thing, you know?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Suppose I, Larry David,
went shopping for your mini bar
and picked out your mini bar?
This is a business. It's not a hobby.
I'm really gonna open the hotel.
I completely understand.
Why is somebody better
at that than I am?
I know potato chips. I know M&Ms.
They told me not to open up
a mattress shop in Temecula.
They said it's all credit card junkies
and supercross.
I did it. And guess what?
I'm slaughtering it.
If you think you can do it,
I think you can do it.
I'll go shopping.
And I'll show you what I got.
Yeah. The answer for you is yes.
I want to hear it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to see
what you come up with.
- I got to get to work.
- And don't overthink it.
- Hey.
- Are you mad at me?
No, why would I be mad at you?
I'm doing you a favor,
and you slammed the door on me.
Really?
You don't hear that as a slamming
of the door?
I didn't hear a door slam. I'm sorry.
Okay, well then you must be door deaf.
It's interesting that you would say that
because I've always thought
my hearing was a cut above
the average person.
Especially disparaging remarks
directed at me.
"You're a fucking asshole."
I hear that like from 50 yards away.
"I hate fuckin' guy."
You know, stuff like that.
- You can hear that?
- Everybody, supper's ready.
- Let's go, let's eat.
- Come on, cousin.
All right, I'm up.
Sit wherever you want.
Jeff, I want you there.
- Freddy, perfect.
- Thank you.
Cassie, you sit there.
All right, I guess I'll sit here.
Look at this. Look at your leopard...
So, listen, I'm so happy to have
you all here. I want to do a toast.
I just want to say thank you all
for coming.
And I want to make a toast
to friendship.
Yes, to friendship.
To friendship
and to be with everyone.
- Cassie, Harry.
- Cheers.
Larry, you can't look me in the eye
and toast?
- Look you in the eye?
- Yeah.
- Towards what end?
- Because that's what people do.
- They look each other in the eye.
- What is this, a séance?
We're raising people from the dead?
Come on, give me a break.
No, we're connecting
and having some intimacy.
I don't need to connect.
I'm connected.
- What are you afraid of?
- What does it do?
You're saying, hello, I see you.
I acknowledge you. I connect with you.
Hello. I see you. I acknowledge you.
I connect with you.
Very funny. You made your point.
I think you're rude.
- You see how stupid it is?
- Yeah. I think you're rude.
So I'm in a bookstore the other day,
okay?
And I'm looking for a book
about Eleanor Roosevelt, okay?
And I'm looking,
and I'm looking under R, nothing.
I go to the Es,
a book on Eleanor Roosevelt.
It was crazy. It was nuts.
Can you imagine?
You know what could've happened,
I'm not saying it's definite,
but maybe somebody
new was working,
maybe somebody younger,
and they just didn't know.
You know, that's true.
I saw people there,
some in their 20s, 30s too, couple.
- Okay, maybe it's forgivable.
- The important thing is you found it.
I did.
And now you're reading it,
and that's great.
They don't know the Dewey Decimal
system anymore.
They're not going to libraries.
They're going on their computer.
I decided to go to a bookstore
and not go online.
- Have you seen this?
- We could get reclaimed wood.
If you're doing a big room,
sometimes they don't have enough
of the same stuff that matches.
If you go to the right supplier,
you do.
I'll tell you what I was thinking too.
There's a thing. There's resin, okay?
- It's two polymers...
- Is it resin or rah-sin?
- No, it's resin, R-E-S-I-N.
- What does it look like?
I guess it's whatever you want it to.
Cheryl, have you had
to put any new wood in
or flooring in your house at all?
No.
That's another thing we haven't
decided, dark wood, light wood.
Maybe it could stain the mahogany.
But that would be silly.
Larry, will you meet me
in the kitchen for a second?
- I need your help with something.
- Sure.
- I like the tiles that look like wood.
- If you get heavy, heavy wood...
- It's a fuckin' nightmare.
- Yeah. This is a disaster.
It's a complete disaster.
My dinner party, done.
Because Andy and Cassie
are in the middle.
- That's what it is.
- And they can't middle.
You have to be able to carry
the conversation.
You have to be interesting.
You're the point guard there.
- You're distributing the ball.
- They can't fucking middle.
Look it now.
Andy loves it. I love it.
Skylar loves it. I can't believe it.
- Do you like fishing, Cheryl?
- No.
Oh my God, fishing!
Can we save this?
- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you, Larry.
It's the bucket of bait, okay?
Which is called chum,
I don't know why.
And she takes it,
and she puts it onto the hook.
She knew what she was doing.
She was born to it. She's great.
Okay. I'm sorry. This dinner
is not going very well.
And the reason it's not going well
is because the wrong people
are in the middle.
- What?
- Yeah. You can't handle the middle.
You're not a middler.
Andy, not everybody has
the personality for the middle.
It's very presumptuous of you
to even be sitting here.
Freddy happens to be a great middle,
I know that.
I'd like Freddy and Cassie to switch,
and Andy and Larry.
I have told these stories before
and gotten laughs.
- Thank you, Cheryl.
- You're welcome.
- Let me just finish the story.
- No. No more boat.
All right.
This is how you middle, okay?
- Guess who I ran into today?
- Who?
- Callie Lang.
- Get outta here.
I thought she was dead,
stage 4, man.
No. She survived her cancer.
She's okay.
She's living in Bend, Oregon.
- Really?
- Bend, Oregon?
I got to tell ya, some of the best
advice I ever got in my life
was from Callie Lang.
When I was starting the business, you
may forget this, but I was deciding,
do I go chairs,
or do I go mattresses?
And she said, "Freddy,
not everybody wants to sit".
- "But everybody's got to sleep."
- That's right!
And I never looked back.
I think I listened to it
because she was stage 4.
It had like an impact to it.
I had the same sort of experience
with her because she was stage 4.
We were having a long talk, and she
gave me some very good advice.
And she said:
"Don't ever sign a prenup."
And I didn't.
And it was very good advice.
That worked out
very well for you, Cheryl.
It did.
She was smart about that.
She was a sage. She gave me
some advice when she was stage 4.
She's the one who you told you
not to sign a prenup?
Yes. She had some sort of perspective
that other people don't have.
- It's good advice.
- You know what she did for us, Jeff?
Do you remember, we were going
through that really rough patch,
and we were gonna split?
And she said, "Work it out. You guys
are meant for each other."
"You're gonna have a long,
wonderful life and a marriage."
Cheers to that.
This is a great conversation.
- Bravo to you and to you guys.
- I'm happy for you.
Let me ask you this question, what
about stage 3 advice? What do you do?
- And death is not looming?
- What percentage?
20 percent.
You listen 20 percent.
What about you?
- 60/40.
- 60/40. Freddy.
That's a true coin flip for me.
I could go either way with that one.
- Harry.
- I listen but grain of salt.
You couldn't pay me to listen
to advice from a stage 3.
Stage 4 only.
Stage 3 doesn't get his ear.
I don't believe it.
You're good.
You're very good.
What is this?
Remember that woman
that I was texting with?
You said I should tell her that
I'm doing a hot dog eating contest?
Yeah. What happened?
She believed me.
Oh my God, you're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
- How could she believe that?
It's a joke.
But you know what happened was
you gave me a lie so fucking crazy
that she's like, well, why
would he lie about this?
This has to be true.
Who's the guy that said the bigger
the lie, the more they believe it?
Goebbels.
Yeah, you gave me
a Goebbels level lie.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Are you saying I achieved
Goebbels lying status?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause Goebbels is the GOAT.
And you know what happens when
you use a lie from the GOAT?
Not only did she believe it,
but she's impressed.
She's like obsessed with it now.
She texts me all day.
"When did you get into hot dogs?
Do you like pork or beef?"
I'm so paranoid she's gonna
come over to my place,
I had to go to Eagle Rock
to a little trophy store,
have a trophy made up for a hot dog
eating contest that I won in 1998
that I was never in.
What are you gonna do
about the hot dog eating contest?
You're gonna be in the contest?
Fuck no. I'm gonna keep this going
as long as I can.
Hopefully, we can hook up,
and then I can have my doctor
text me or call me and say,
"because of your health, I'm gonna
have to recommend that you drop out".
I got to make up a doctor now.
- By the way...
- What?
I wouldn't be so fast to drop
the hot dog eating.
Clearly, this is the best thing
you've got going for ya.
Yeah, well, here's your taxes.
Enjoy your refund, Goebbels.
Sorry, Harry. I did the best I could.
Yeah, well, you did too good.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey. My man.
Hey, what's happening
in Mary Ferguson town?
I'm having a hard time finding
a new Mary Ferguson.
I'm surprised you found two.
Let me show you my ad for the
brand new one. Loot at this shit.
Do you love adventure? Do you want
to travel to Asia for free?
Is your name Mary Ferguson?
If the answer to all three of these
questions is yes,
then contact Leon Black. Perfect.
I'm thinking about adding,
I ain't about that bullshit.
Yeah. Put it in.
That'll be a big sell.
- That'll sell 'em, for sure.
- I'm posting this shit everywhere.
You know how a motherfucker
lose their dog?
I'm putting this shit on fuckin'
telephone poles and trees and shit.
Who's looking at trees? Nobody's
walking on the street looking at trees.
The nicest people in the world
are people who will return
a fuckin' dog to you.
Who's not gonna return a dog?
What kind of asshole?
I kept a dog for six years
one time I found.
What? Did it have a collar?
Was there a number to call?
Fuck yeah!
It had all the goodies.
- So why didn't you call?
- 'Cause I fucking liked the dog.
You know how many times I walked by
the sign on the fuckin' tree that said,
"lost dog", and it was this
motherfucker right here?
- That's cruel.
- But I loved that motherfuckin' dog.
By the way, I got an idea that might
be perfect for your fuckin' mini bar.
Really?
People go to hotels to fuck,
you understand?
I understand, but that's not
necessarily true. But go ahead.
So I take all the elements of a ED pill,
and I infuse it into a beverage.
I call it "Tap Water".
- Tap Water?
- Based on tapping that ass.
- I understand what it's based on.
- That's what people go to hotels to do.
Just like an energy drink
for your dick.
I really think
you're onto something here.
- Good idea, right?
- One of your best.
Hey, man, you're missin' out.
People love to stay hydrated and fuck.
- There he is.
- Geez.
- How are ya?
- What is this?
We were just takin' a walk.
It's a beautiful day.
Thought we'd stop by, say hello,
and if you want to join us, come.
I don't really like a purposeless walk.
But thank you.
What does that mean, a purposeless
walk? The walk is the purpose.
The walk has to be the secondary
activity, not the primary activity.
For example, you walk on a golf
course, it's a secondary activity.
The primary activity is the golf.
Okay. All right.
She has something to ask.
We're having a dinner party
in two nights,
and we would really like it
if you would middle, please.
- Please.
- When is it?
Thursday night.
- Why? Come on.
- I can't.
- Come on. Why not?
- Why?
Because I'm in a hot dog eating
contest the next day.
Larry, shut up.
No, you're not.
Seriously, I'm in a hot dog
eating contest the next day,
and I can't eat that night.
Yeah.
What if you just come
and you don't eat?
You can't sit in a table and not eat.
You feel crazy.
Anyway, I got to go pick up
somebody up.
- I gotta get going.
- Okay.
Hi, guys.
Come in, come in.
Maria Sofia, this is Cheryl.
Hi, Maria Sofia.
Really nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
Nice to meet you too.
This house, beautiful.
You got your bag in the divorce.
Okay. This is my little makeshift
studio. You can put your stuff down.
- Thank you.
- I'll be there in one second.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Yes!
Okay, Maria Sofia.
I'm gonna record this.
And pretend like this is not
even here, okay?
Okay.
Marsha, come out here.
I want to talk to you.
Marsha steps out into the balcony,
weaving through the billowing laundry.
You don't need to read that.
That is just an action line.
Sorry, that was weird.
Let's start from the beginning.
Marsha, come out here.
I want to talk to you.
- I'm right here!
- Stop screaming.
I wasn't screaming!
Okay, also, if it's in parenthesis,
you shouldn't say it either.
Fine, I got it. I got it.
Okay. I wanted to talk to you
about that David boy.
- Larry.
- Yeah, that's his name.
- Larry David.
- Well, what about him?
I feel like you're being seductive
right now.
- You're talking to your mother.
- Are we not close?
In real life, do you ever talk
to your mother like that?
No, I don't seduce my mom.
What is wrong with you? God.
I'm talking to her about my boyfriend,
aren't I?
I don't really care for him.
I think he's mentally disturbed.
He's not mentally disturbed.
And the worm.
I saw that choice that you made,
and maybe it's time
to make a new choice.
- Like what kind of dance?
- No, not...
You want a little bit of salsa?
Let's just keep going.
You want bald children
with no brains, go right ahead.
I don't have to listen to you.
If I want to see Larry,
I will see Larry.
Let's just take five.
You'd be surprised what motherfucker's
like in a mini bar.
- Black licorice.
- Perfect.
Yeah. I think so.
Okay, we got our first item.
- Olives.
- Black or green or both?
Maybe both.
Fuckin' mushroom jerky.
They jerked a fuckin' mushroom.
Figs. I can't even believe
how good this is.
Already, we're packed.
- Fudge!
- Wasabi-flavored peas.
This is the best mini bar of all time.
Hello?
Hey, yeah, I left my jacket
at your ex-wife's house.
Can you call her and just see
if she can look for it?
All right, hold on.
Okay, thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey, it's me.
So Maria Sofia called me.
She thinks she left her jacket
at your house.
I'm pretty sure it's not here.
I haven't seen any jacket.
- Okay. All right. Thanks.
- Okay, bye.
- It's not there.
- No, it's there.
She liked the flowers and shit,
so maybe she doesn't want
to actually look for it.
What are you suggesting,
that she's keeping your jacket?
Well, she said she liked it. Now
she's saying that she can't find it.
So what am I supposed to think?
Oh my God. Are you out of your mind?
You know what, it's my jacket,
and I'm gonna find it.
All right, okay.
I hate to sound immodest,
but I don't think you're gonna find
a better mini bar display,
not just in the country, in the world.
This is just amazing stuff here.
Do we love the sound of that?
Wasabi peas!
People love wasabi peas.
They're gonna slide out that drawer.
They're gonna freak out.
They got peas, Wasabi peas!
What else do we got here?
Oh my God.
What is this?
It's a parmesan crisp.
This is one of the world's
great crackers.
There's parmesan in this.
You like parmesan?
Freddy, I've seen you
at Italian restaurants,
going like this with parmesan cheese.
Come on.
And this, you're not gonna
find anywhere.
No, you're not gonna find that
in a mini bar.
Okay. Come on. Figs.
You ever seen it in a mini bar? No.
Of course not. Why?
Nobody's thought of it.
I have.
- Do you like figs?
- I wouldn't say I'm a fig guy.
- You like figs?
- I'm not a big fig fan.
I'm giving you gold here. Figs.
The coup de grâce,
peppermint patty.
- Classic.
- You like a peppermint patty?
I can't say I'm a big fan. I don't
really like peppermint patties.
What do you eat? What is your story?
You don't seem to like anything.
It doesn't matter what I like.
It matters what our customers like.
So here's the headline here, okay.
We're liking this, but not loving it.
What do you mean? Who?
Well, we had a focus group
in La Ca?ada.
And we let them enjoy the experience,
and we got numbers on all of this stuff.
Which can be helpful.
So like, if I talked to you about
men over 25 on say the figs...
About 15 percent would recommend it.
Only about 15 percent of the men
are liking it.
If you deal with educated men, men
that have four years of college?
It's a little higher at 20 percent.
But if we go to the uneducated men,
you know, high school or less?
Then it's lower, about 8 percent.
What we want to try to do is we want
everyone at least in the 70s, 80s.
So the bottom line here is, we need
a four-quadrant mini bar.
Would you possibly be open to working
and collaborating with a co-curator?
Forget it, Freddy,
it's not gonna happen.
There's no co-curator.
I'm the curator.
This is my mini bar.
These are my ideas.
And if you don't like it, I go.
I wish you could've been there
in La Ca?ada
'cause again, liking,
just not loving the ideas.
I think we're done.
Did you want to take home
the numbers?
I really don't.
I'm really not interested.
- I'm sorry that you feel that way.
- Big mistake. You know what else?
I don't want you using any of my ideas.
I'll fuckin' sue you.
You're just gonna be throwing
your money away.
You're gonna sue me
for the peppermint patty?
If you don't have the vision
to know how amazing a Wasabi pea
would be in a mini bar,
I really don't want anything to do
with you. Thank you for your time.
All right,
let's go with the other guy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, Maria Sofia. Come on in.
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Good.
So listen, I've been doing a lot
of studying, reading up on the Jews.
They use their hands a lot.
So I think I would do
something like this.
I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Okay. Why don't you go ahead and
get comfortable in the studio?
- I will be there in a just a minute.
- Good idea.
Can I talk to you for a second?
She is the worst actress
I have ever seen in my life.
An eating disorder?
She reads her character's name
before she reads the line.
She reads the stage direction.
Larry and Marsha sit
at the table eating.
She also does weird things
with her body, physically.
I mean, she's gyrating.
She's practically saying her lines,
and she's gyrating. Look at her.
- Eat them latkesi!
- She's so awful.
Just get the best tape you can,
and send it to casting, okay?
Okay.
She was wearing the yellow dress.
Larry, she's gonna kill your show,
like a cancer.
Like a cancer.
Oy vey, motherfuckers!
You got it? Hey.
Hey, what do you say?
This is my friend, Jeff.
- Hey, Jeff.
- This is Marcos.
He is the world's
greatest taco connoisseur.
- So they say.
- Great, thanks for coming.
My pleasure.
- What?
- Check out the menu.
Okay.
Poor guy. He's got cancer.
And I feel so terrible for him.
You know how bad it is?
- Stage 4.
- Man...
Anyway, if you need any advice
about anything at all,
he's possessed with stage 4 wisdom.
- Stage 4.
- Yeah. He knows so much.
You mind if I ask him some questions?
Yeah, you should.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Yeah?
I'm Marcos. I was wondering
if I can ask you a question.
Now is the time.
This place is doing okay. It's just,
I was wondering if you had
any advice
on taking it to the next level.
- Do you serve breakfast?
- We don't, no.
That would be the addition you need.
People love breakfast burritos.
You'll never have anyone turn down
a breakfast burrito.
Oh my God, so true.
- Want my own personal favorite?
- Please.
Waffle and a breakfast burrito.
You wrap the waffle?
You wrap the waffle amongst itself
and rice pudding.
And also, you're gonna have to do
a lot of social media.
I'm not good at it, you know?
If you don't like it,
maybe you have a son or a daughter
who enjoys social media.
I do have a daughter, but she
doesn't have time for that stuff.
She's gonna be an actress.
You know, I've been in show business
a long time.
And I'm gonna tell you something
that I tell every parent.
Don't do it. Don't allow your child
to be an actress.
Really?
I've met many a good young actress
whose life has been ruined by
the business. That's what I feel.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Man, I thought she was gonna be
a star. But I guess I was wrong.
- What are you gonna do?
- Now, how about that taco?
- I'll get you guys a taco.
- Thank you.
What can I get you guys?
Okay, so what's really important
about this is the emotion behind it.
Think about something that makes you
mad while you're reading this scene.
- Can you do that?
- Yeah.
You've got a good attitude.
Let's do it from there then.
He's got mailman written all over him.
You want bald children with no brains,
go right ahead.
I don't have to listen to you!
If I want to see Larry,
I am gonna see Larry.
You are a horrible mother.
I never want to see you again.
And I know that you stole
my jacket.
- What are you talking about?
- Back up. Don't touch me.
What are you saying?
I don't know what you're talking about!
What are you doing? Let her go!
Get off me, Uncle Moe.
What is wrong with you?
Hang on, Cheryl!
Cheryl! I'm coming.
- I want my jacket back!
- Let her go!
Uncle Moe, I want my jacket back!
Bring it on. I can take both of you!
- Okay. Dinner is served.
- Here you go, please.
Take a seat.
We have no place cards.
- Sit wherever you'd like.
- Right here.
Susie, would you mind sitting
in the middle?
No, I'd rather sit here.
I don't want to middle.
- Cheryl, please.
- I'm gonna sit next to Susie.
No, Andy, thank you.
- Greg, please.
- No, we're good. I'm left handed.
Harry, if you'd like to...
I really don't feel like middling.
I probably can't see over those.
Where is Larry? He is the middle.
Larry should be the middle.
- I know. He's a great middle.
- He's supposed to be here.
He has a hot dog eating contest
tomorrow morning.
Wait. Is it the same one
you're in, Harry?
It's... I'm doing a hot dog eating
contest with Larry tomorrow.
- You are?
- I am.
- I'd love to see that.
- No, you don't.
Please.
Oh my God, I would love to see it.
All right. Yeah.
Oh my God. This is gonna be so fun.
Harry, why don't you grab a seat
in the middle,
and you could tell us all
how it came about?
But you better not eat anything.
Great, come on, over here.
So how we doing so far?
And I mean, J to J.
- We're delighted.
- Delighted, happy. All of it.
Great. And I hope we're in
agreement about Maria Sofia
because we watched her video.
And we didn't like it.
It happens.
We loved it.
- We flipped for it. She's incredible.
- The passion.
- Well, I'm glad you liked it, but...
- I got to see it again.
I'm sorry. Let me just show you this.
We've been watching it all morning
and just dying from it.
Let's just watch it.
I never want to see you again.
And I know you stole my jacket!
That is acting.
I swear, I actually believe
she got her jacket stolen.
She did, yeah.
No, she really did.
And look at the physical comedy.
That's not comedy.
She actually is in a fight.
You can't teach that.
Here comes Ted.
There he is. And there he goes.
What a takedown. Maria steals it.
She steals the whole damn thing.
She's not stealing anything.
He doesn't know what to do
'cause his girlfriend's getting pummeled
by this maniac short order cook!
All right. Can you turn it off?
That's the show.
Alas, she's not gonna be able
to do the show.
She's quitting acting. Her father's
not letting her do it anymore.
- It's sad. It's a shame.
- Okay, here's the thing.
I called her to tell her that
I was floored by this audition.
- You called who?
- Maria.
Her dad gets on the phone,
a mensch, by the way.
And she's back. She's in.
- You called her father?
- It's all good.
What's the matter?
- Is he mad?
- A little.
And now the moment
you've all been waiting for.
First Friday's Frankfurter Fest!
- I don't get you. I really don't.
- You don't get me?
Yeah.
Why'd you tell 'em they can come?
'Cause they got excited because of
a text you told me to fuckin' send.
So you say no.
You can't come.
I'm nervous eating hot dogs
in front of people.
And then neither one of us
will be here now.
A fuckin' girl that I'm excited about
now is excited to see me.
She's stroking my arm.
And I'm gonna go, no, don't do that.
You're a big celebrity now that you're
in a hot dog eating contest.
I'm not a fuckin' big celebrity.
But she was excited.
You told them.
I told them because it worked
on one idiot. And it worked again.
You're the one that told me
to send the text. God damn it!
Eat it! Come on!