Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - Episode #10.4 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Making progress, huh?

- Pretty fuckin' good.
- Yeah, we got the floors in.

I'll tell you the truth,
though. I mean, it's...

- It's, it's a ton of work, this thing.
- Yeah.

People coming and going
all the time.

I-I didn't know a spite store
was gonna be this much work.

There's got to be spite,
but it's just still got to be

- a fuckin' store. You know what I mean?
- Yeah.


- The electrician.
- Oh.

- Hello?
- Mr. David.

Running late. Can we do 3:00?

What? What are you talking about?
We had a ten o'clock appointment.

Three o'clock? I have... I
can't wait around here all day.

- How about 2:30?
- Oh, 2:30.

- Please.
- Give me the phone.

- Wait... What?
- Let me talk to him.


- Tell him to hold the phone. Hand me the goddamned phone.
- Hold... Hold on.

Hey, playboy. Listen here, man.

People don't have fuckin' time sittin'
around here, waitin' for yo' ass.

If you say ten o'clock,
you show the fuck up at ten o'clock.

When you're home,
making love to your fuckin' lady,

you're on top of her,
and you... and you pumpin' her,

you say, "I'm comin',
I'm comin', I'm comin',"

you don't get the fuck up
and go in the kitchen

and make a goddamn
ham sandwich, do you?

You get your ass over here,
and you don't fuckin' hold this man up.

- Okay, okay.
- Enough said, motherfucker.

- Holler!
- All-all right.

- Wh... What, he's coming?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- That was unbelievable!
- You're fuckin' right.

You need a motherfucker
like me around here.

- You want to do it?
- Yeah, fuck right, I will.

So you can supervise
all the electricians

and the, and the plumbers
and all that stuff?

Coordinate this shit.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Deal.
- Oh. Please.

Don't serve those,
those dry-ass scones.

Those shits make my throat hurt.

You have a point. There was...

an incident.

Can't breathe.

Huh? Oh, my God. Heimlich?




there was some lack of
oxygen to the brain, and...

legally speaking,
she's now non compos mentis.

Non compos mentis?
Wh... What's that?

She's got memory loss.
There's no case.

So that scone got you
out of a lot of trouble.

Eh, I like 'em.

- Okay.
- They're good. I'm gonna keep 'em.

- Hey! Look who it is.
- Oh, dear.

Just came by to remind you
what great coffee tastes like.

Brought one for
your buddy there, too.

Hey, fuck you, Vanilla Joe.
Kiss my ass.

I can't believe you're wasting
your money on this shithole.

Remember, Larry.

Good coffee is all about
the beans.

You don't have the beans.

See ya! Enjoy the coffee.


- That's good.
- He's fuckin' right.

You got to have the fuckin'
beans to have the best coffee.

Okay. Here's what
we're gonna do.

Thank you.


- Mm. Mm.
- Mm.

We're never gonna
beat Mocha Joe's beans.

- It's one of the worst yet.
- Hello, gentlemen.

Knock off Westside Tavern.

What's shakin'?

Um, he's gonna be helping
me out in the store.

No kidding?

- Latte Larry's?
- Yeah.

So you go for the napkin
on the lap immediately.

- Immediately.
- Have you ever caught anything on that napkin?

- No.
- Some motherfuckers put the shit here.

- They put the shit right there.
- Yeah.

By the way, the dignity that
you lose by tucking it in,

- I'd rather get new shirts and new ties.
- Oh, no.

Who tucks in?
Al Capone, you know.

Yeah, no one's gonna
question him.

- Al, you look a little silly...
- Yeah.

With that napkin in your collar.

So. You gonna go
to Mickey's wedding?

I don't know, man. Cabo?

I mean, why do you
have to make people travel

two hours to go to a wedding?

- It's crazy.
- Look, you're just not gonna

get me to say anything
bad about Mickey.

I'm not trying to get you to
say anything bad about Mickey.

Yeah, but it's his
destination wedding,

so I'm not saying
anything bad about Mickey.

Come on, it'd be
so much fun down there.

Hey. Why don't we split a plane?

Let's go nuts.

- Let's make it easy.
- All right.

- Okay. All right.
- All right?

- Yeah. Now I can do it.
- Okay, easy. Good.

- Fantastic.
- I love the idea. Let's do that shit.


You're not invited
to the wedding.

Nah, fuck the wedding.

I'm going with you.
Tagging along with you.

All right. You have to chip in.
You want to tag along,

- you chip in.
- I'll tell you what.

Consider me your luggage.

Bring me on the fuckin' plane,

put a seatbelt around me,
and I won't say shit.

By the way, luggage doesn't eat.

Or talk.

Or chip in.

Ah. He's got a point.

Oh. Excuse me.
Are, are you walking out?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Would you mind throwing out my gum?

- Your... Your chewed gum?
- It's all wrapped up in paper.

It's like throwing out paper.

Why don't you just
leave it on your table?

No, I can't do that.
It's, it's unsightly.

Who wants to, you know, gum on the table.
You don't want that.

- You could put it in your pocket and throw it out...
- Pocket? You know what happens?

You forget, then it goes in the
wash and it ruins the pants.

- Good point.
- Yeah.

Give me one reason why you wouldn't do it.
You don't have one.

- Okay, I... I got to go. I'll do it.
- It's just a piece of paper.

- It is a very good point. Yes.
- Thank you so much.

- Don't be afraid of that little piece of paper.
- I'm a little afraid.

- Close your fist on that. Don't be afraid.
- Oh, I don't, I don't...

- Close your first. There you go. There you go.
- Oh! Okay.

- All right. Go, go to it.
- Wow.

- Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
- Mm. You're welcome.

Hey, you know what?
Maybe I'll go with you.

- We're both throwing out the gum?
- Yeah. Here, give this to me.

Thank you.

That's it. I'm done.

- I am finished.
- Me, too.

- How is it?
- Delicious.

- Thank you.
- So, um,

you're having a pretty
tremendous time, aren't you?

- You know...
- Uh, no, like,

- a tremendous time.
- You've been reading my mind.

People always have a
great time in sushi bars

'cause they don't have
to look at each other.

Ugh. What could be worse than
having to sit across the table...

- God, why would we want to look at each other?
- Staring at somebody?

- But this, this is wonderful.
- Mm-hmm.

I... Every now and then,
I steal a glance.

Mm. What are you doing
next weekend?

- Um... Um, I, I...
- Do you have plans?

- I don't have plans, actually.
- Well, maybe, maybe,

- you'd consider going to a wedding with me in Mexico.
- A wedding?

- That's huge.
- That's big, yeah.

Usually, that's like, a fifth,
sixth, seventh date kind of thing.

- Yeah.
- It would require us, um, sleeping,

in, in the same room.

You don't have anything to worry about.
You would sleep on the couch.

- So...
- Oh, would I?

I'd make sure
it's a comfortable couch.

- Oh, would you?
- Yeah, I would.

Could I have a pillow?

I think we can get you a pillow.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.

- That does sound luxurious.
- Yeah.

You think about it.

It's in Mexico
at Playa Mariposa.

- Oh, in Cabo?
- In Cabo, yeah.

Oh! That is so gorgeous.
I was in Cabo.

- A couple years ago.
- Is that so?

Yes. I have pictures.

It's so beautiful.

- Paddleboarding...
- Paddelboarding, yeah.

- There's nothing more boring than that.
- Look at that sunset.

- Isn't that pretty? Nuts.
- I mean, if you like sunsets.

- I could care less about them, but...
- Come on.

- You can't not...
- Wait. Who's that? Who's that?

- Oh, that's me.
- What?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I know,
I lost a lot of weight.

- That's you?
- Yeah.


- Really? What did you have...
- It was a while ago.

Some, uh,
was it some kind of medical thing?

You were taking medicine, or...

- Nah, just lifestyle, you know.
- Drugs?

How long ago was that?

I don't know.
Year and a half, maybe.

So you got down to this?

Uh, you look disturbed.

No, no, no.

It's the contrast
that's, uh, disturbing.

It's, it's like, if you saw a
picture of me with hair a year ago,

and then you met me and I was
bald, you'd be disturbed, too.

I'd think you'd lost some hair.

- But are you still losing?
- Am I...

- Um, what?
- Weight, are you still losing weight?

Are we on a first date?

- I'm just curious.
- I am... Well, I don't know.

- I guess it depends...
- Or, or, or are, are you gaining?

- Are you gaining?
- I think everybody fluctuates.

- It happens. Yeah.
- Yes.

- What I know is I...
- Well, you look fantastic.

- Well, thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.

please accept a free dessert.

Oh, it, it's not necessary.
We don't need dessert.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Arigato.

- It's very kind.
- Fine.

What are you doing?
We don't need this.

Oh, come on.

- It's green tea ice cream.
- Oh.

- Wrapped in, like, this rice paper.
- No, you don't want...

Are you kidding me?
I definitely want this. Try one.

Mm. Mm!

What is better than dessert?

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I looked at that
picture, I almost fainted.

I had to ask her,
"Is that you?" That's what I said to her.

- Wow, man.
- It's like she ate herself.

- Fuck.
- It was, it was only a year and a half ago.

You know what the fuck that means?
She's a fuckin' yo-yo.

- Yeah, she's a yo-yo. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You don't know if that yo-yo's goin' down or the fuck up.
- Yeah.

All signs point to her
yo-ing up.

She ate this big dessert.

You are in a fucked up
position right now.

- Yeah.
- You got to take her yo-yo ass to Mexico.

- I have to, right?
- Yeah. You got to now.

I know.

- Hey! Look at this.
- Ha-ha!

- My lens cloth. Nice.
- Yeah. Look at that shit.

Did you ever find the old one?
Did you ever see that?

No. Never seen it.


What the hell happened to that?

Oh, this is
from, the, uh, the plane

- that we're taking to Mexico.
- Mm-hmm.

"To ensure the safety...

the weight of each passenger
who will be flying."

Oh, my God.

I got to ask her her weight now?

- No way I'm asking her her weight.
- Goddamn it.

- Impossible.
- Impossible.

What's your weight, by the way?
I'm gonna need it.

- That ain't happening.
- What are you, crazy?

- Why not? I need your weight.
- That's too much information.

They, they just asked for it.
It's for safety.

If that pilot needs my weight
to fly that plane safely,

he need another fuckin' plane.

And you need to keep an eye
on your girl over there

for eating that garbage
in Mexico.

You know,
sometimes it's really hard

to stop a person
who's very determined

- from eating garbage.
- You're fuckin' right.

- Yeah. For example...
- They get consumed with that shit.

Suppose I took your tray
like this.

Come on, Larry,
stop fuckin' around.

- What are you gonna do then?
- Oh, shit!

- What about that? Huh?
- You fucked up now!

- You fucked up, Larry!
- Yeah. Here.

- Oh, you fuckin' terrible.
- Enjoy.

Fuck you, Larry!

Now I got to eat my shit
with a spoon.

Oh, wow! What do you know.

Look at this.

- Look who's here.
- I didn't know you were coming.

I didn't know you were coming.
What a surprise.

We were just talking about,
uh, our trip.

- To Cabo.
- Yeah.

- For Mickey's wedding.
- What's the problem?

You're invited
to Mickey's wedding?

- Why does that surprise you?
- I'm just shocked.

- Oh, my God.
- Why wouldn't he invite me?

You know, you just,
you don't invite

a divorced couple to a wedding.

It's a very combustible

Who, who knows
what could happen?

It makes people uncomfortable
to see a divorced couple.

- He should choose sides. Pick one.
- Well,

you're both invited,
so deal with it.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Cheryl, you're gonna come
on the plane with us, right?

We're flying private.

Yeah, we're all
splitting a plane.

Are you inviting me to hop on?

I'm inviting you
to hop on and chip in.

- What?
- Well, you know,

you're coming on the plane,
you got to chip in.

Well, you're
already going, right?

People resent you
if you don't chip in.

- I don't think so.
- No, no, I will a little bit, yeah.

- I mean, you're loaded.
- There's the resentment, right there.

Okay, fine. Yes. I will chip in.

- Ted coming?
- No, he can't come.

- Aah, shoot.
- He's doing another movie.

- What is he doing?
- He's doing a comedy. And, um...

- He is so funny. I mean, nobody can make me laugh like Ted.
- So funny.

- His timing is just like...
- He's just hilarious. I know, perfect.

By the way,
it might interest you to know

that I'll be bringing a date.

- What's her name?
- Her name is Donna.

- Donna.
- Yeah.

- Lovely, lovely woman.
- How many dates have you had?

- We've had one date.
- One date?

- Yeah.
- And you're bringing her on a trip?

- Yes, I am.
- Okay.

And you're complaining

that divorced couples
shouldn't come

when you're bringing
a virtual stranger?

We get along quite well.

All right.
I can't wait to meet her.

Oh, boy.

I need your weights, by the way.

- What do you mean?
- For the plane.

- You fucking kidding me?
- No, I'm not kidding you.

- It's a safety issue.
- I'm not giving you the weight.

This is a regulation.

- This is a...
- Ask Jeff if he'll give you his weight.

You're not gonna
give me your weight?

She doesn't even know
how much I weigh.

- Yeah.
- You know who else doesn't know

how much I weigh? My doctor.

My weight?

My business. No one knows.

- Yeah, it's very personal.
- Mm-hmm.

I'd rather be dead
in the Sea of Cortez

than have you know what I weigh.

I don't want your weights. The captain
wants them. Who's gonna disobey a captain?

- You mean, uh, the pilot.
- No, I mean the captain.

No, the captain's for a boat.

- He's the pilot.
- Well, he is a pilot...

- It's not a boat.
- But he wants to be referred to as the captain.

- He's told you, "Please call me the captain."
- That's on his card!

- Captain Garvin, okay?
- He's a pilot.

How do you wanna be referred to?

- Jeff.
- Okay.

If you said to me, "From now on",

I want to be referred to
as Goat Williker,"

- I would call you Goat Williker.
- Fine.

- Call me Goat Williker.
- Fine, Goat Williker.

The pilot wants your weight.

You can tell the pilot
that Goat Williker

doesn't give his weight
to anyone.

That's right.
And neither does Mrs. Williker.

The Willikers do
not give their weight.

- Want some?
- Nah. I'm good.

- They're free.
- Yeah, just 'cause they're free

doesn't mean that we have to
eat everything that they have.

Oh, my God.
You should see everything they have.

They'll be talking about us
when we leave.

They'll say what pigs we are.
You know, we just ate everything.

Maybe they'll be talking about how much we enjoyed
their spread they worked so hard to put out.

Folks, sorry to, uh, interrupt.

We're gonna have to make
an unscheduled landing.

- Why? Something's wrong?
- What are you talking about?

Nothing's wrong with the plane.
We're just... heavy.

- How come?
- Because of the weights.

'Cause I asked you
for your weights,

you wouldn't tell me,
so I had to guess your weights.

And now, now we're over.

- Why didn't you just ask me?
- What did you put down for me?

It's none of your business
what I put down for you.

It is my business.

- What did you put down?
- I ain't tellin' you shit.

Okay, folks.
It doesn't matter how we got here.

The fact of the matter is that we're
here now, and we're overweight.

beginning our initial descent.

Please fasten your seat belts.

Aah. Where the fuck are we?

- Aqua Dulce.
- Where is that?

All right. We are
100 pounds overweight,

so we are going to have
to lose some bags.

- Oh, come on.
- How many?

At least two. I... Look.

We don't have a lot of time,
so can you just

figure out how
you want to do that?

All right, so, we'll, uh...

- How do we decide?
- Whose bags?

We'll, we'll shoot for it.

- Whoever loses, their bags stay.
- Right. Yes.

- Oh, God.
- Let's split up into couples, okay?

- All right.
- And you will be a couple with Leon.

- Okay.
- Ready? Once, twice, three...

- Shoot!
- Oh.

- Loser!
- Well, two out of three.

- No. No fucking two out of three.
- No, we just said

- the odd man out.
- Aah, why'd I put two? Two doesn't win.

You don't get a second chance, Larry.
It's not the damn playoffs.

- Aah, shit.
- Go get your bags and shut up.

We got to get going,
or we'll miss our slot in Cabo.

- Okay, yeah.
- Everybody back on the plane.

- Please, please, please. Get back on the plane.
- Oh, my God.

- All right, okay.
- Thank you so much.

That... Yeah, that one,
and those two

- big ones behind it.
- Just move up the stairs. Thank you.

All right. Thank you.

Honestly, this is ridiculous.
Is this not ridiculous?

You know, we paid
a lot of money for this plane.

And I don't know why you assholes
couldn't give me your weight!

It's beautiful.
Oh, look at this!

- Huh?
- Gorgeous.

- Nice.
- Beautiful.

- Oh, my God.
- This is my kind of place.

- Playa. Playa Mariposa.
- It is pretty.

- I'm a playa.
- Wow.

- Margaritas?
- Yes.

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Free margaritas.

We're gonna go look
at the view. Come on.

- Look at this place.
- Come on.

This is awesome. Oh!

It doesn't get better than this.
It doesn't get better.

- Wow, it's gorgeous!
- I just got bit by a mosquito.

- Jeff, golf course.
- You've only been here five minutes.

What is going on?

- Mickey!
- Nice to meet you. I'll talk to you, huh? Okay.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, you made it!

- Oh, you look amazing.
- It's gorgeous.

Oh, you guys are the best
for making it.

- Ah, we wouldn't have missed this.
- Oh, the big man.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

- Ah! How you doing, Larry?
- Hi. Hey.

- This must be Donna. How are you?
- Hi. Donna, yes.

- Oh, come on. Hug it out. Hug it out.
- Hi. Oh, my God.

- How are you? So good to see you.
- Congratulations.

- It's so beautiful. Thanks for inviting us.
- Aw, thanks for being here.

- How you doing? Mickey.
- Hey. Leon, man.

Leon. You coming to the wedding?

- Nah, I'm good.
- I'm still undecided myself.

- Hey, where's Sasha?
- Oh, she's at the spa.

- Ooh! Yeah.
- You guys got to go. You'll love it.

It's so fantastic.

- By the way, the rooms are great.
- Really?

- Ooh, great.
- All the rooms are great.

You're gonna be so happy. Yeah.

Don't you think
you're taking a risk

inviting a divorced couple?

Oh, come on.

- I figured you guys would work it out.
- Yeah.

You figured one of us wouldn't
come is what you figured. Right?

- Anyway, I got a thing.
- Yeah.

I promised Sasha
I'd get a manicure.

- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh.

Marriage. It's a commitment.
Okay, see ya!

- None of your motherfucking business.
- See you, Mick.

- Oh, he's so cute!
- I know.

- What you just witnessed was a whirlwind of smarm.
- Come on.

- What? No.
- A whirlwind of smarm, you heard me.

Okay, I am not going to say
anything bad about Mickey.

I'm not trying to get you to
say anything bad about Mickey.

- It seems like you are.
- All right, maybe I am

trying to get you to say
something bad about Mickey.

Well, I am not going to say
anything bad about Mickey.

All right.
Don't say anything bad about Mickey.

Nothing bad about Mickey
coming out of me.

- Nothing. You're just not... All right?
- Okay. All right.

Let's check this place out.

How do you not have
toothbrushes at the front desk?

There was nothing,
nothing at the store.

This is it? Are you kidding?
This is the great room?

- What is it? Huh?
- It's not bad. It's fine.

He said it was great.

I don't consider this great.

Hey, you know,
I would unpack my bag,

but I don't have one.

So, uh, what am I,
what am I gonna wear to this wedding?

- Maybe Susie has an extra dress.
- Oh, yeah. Susie.

She's hates me.
She's not gonna loan me anything.

she kind of hates everybody.

But you know what?

I'll take care of Susie.
I know just how to handle her.

She'll be eating
out of your hand.

- Seriously. Yeah.
- By the way.

What'd you estimate
for my weight for that flight?

What'd you tell
the pilot, Larry?

You know, don't tell the others

- that I told you. Okay?
- Oh, okay.

I said 122.


- Oh, yeah. That... That was the right number.
- Really?

- Oh, in case you were wondering.
- Oh, was I close?

- That was the exact right answer.
- Yeah.

You know what?
You know what I'm thinking?

I want to make a good
first-breath impression.

It's fine. We're going rogue.
It's Mexico.

Wait a second.
Somebody might have one.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.

Maybe somebody has
an extra toothbrush.

- Larry, nobody's gonna have an extra toothbrush.
- How about that?

You never know. It's possible.

- Okay. I think it's nuts.
- All right. I'll be, I'll be right back.

- Hey. Can I come in?
- Yeah, of course. Come on.


- This is quite a room.
- Amazing, right?

Mickey said they'd be
great rooms.

Yeah, great rooms.
My room's not so great.

- What's wrong with it?
- It's a little box.

You're hardly gonna be in it.
It's not a big deal.

- You want to switch?
- No.

Yeah, okay.
So Mickey's full of shit.

- You just... Save it, okay?
- What are you doing here?

You don't happen to have an
extra toothbrush around, do you?

- No, I don't. Do you?
- Why would I pack an extra toothbrush?

- In case of emergency.
- What kind of an emergency?

You know, like your luggage
being thrown off a plane.

- You know, there's probably, usually, like, a sundries shop.
- No, they don't have one.

- They don't have one. No.
- No?

How are things going with Donna?

Oy, that one.

Why the snarky attitude
toward a fellow Jew?

She's Jewish?

- Yeah.
- Bat mitzvahed?

Big bat mitzvah.

- I'm surprised.
- So,

neither of you have
an extra toothbrush?

- No. We told you that.
- Hmm. You sure you don't have one?

I'm positive I don't have one.

So then,
you wouldn't mind if I...

- took a look around?
- Get the fuck out!

Go back to your little fucking
hovel, with your unbrushed teeth!

Go! Now!


Drive, motherfucker!

Fuck that red light!

Come in. It's open.

Turn down the alley!
Turn down the fuckin' alley!


How'd you get a room like this?
You're not even going to the wedding.

I told 'em I was handicapped.

So what do you mean?
They give you a bigger room

just 'cause you say
you're handicapped?

- Fuck, yeah.
- They believed you?

If they ask too many questions,

then I throw a limp
on their ass.

They feel sorry for you.

You've got all the tricks,
don't you?

- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.

Do you think the maid
is gonna charge me

for the massage she gave me?

You know, I don't want that shit
to show up on the fuckin' bill.

You know what I mean?
'Cause she didn't mention it.

- The maid gave you a massage?
- Fuck yeah, she did.

Here's a stupid question. Do you have,
uh, an extra toothbrush, by any chance?

- Who the fuck travels with two toothbrushes and shit?
- Yeah, okay.

- Good luck looking for that shit.
- Okay.

- Oh, que pasa, Larry?
- What?

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding?

- Are you kidding me?
- Eh, not bad, huh?

Not... This is unbelievable!

How's your room?

- It stinks. Yes!
- No.

- It's supposed to be great.
- It's not great.

I said to you guys, "The rooms are great.
You're gonna love 'em."

- Yeah, I know, I know. But my room's not great at all.
- Oh!

- Everybody's got a better room.
- I'm gonna talk to somebody. That's bullshit.

So, what, you just think
this is some kind of, uh,

accident that I have a bad room?

No. Come on, Larry. Come on.

- Don't get like that.
- Mickey? What's... What's going on?

Oh, hey. Hey, Sasha.

It's late.

She's not wrong.

Yeah, it's... It is late. Um...

Do you happen to have an extra
toothbrush, by any chance?

We do have an extra toothbrush.

You have an extra toothbrush!

- I can't believe it. That's so great!
- I'm sorry, I misspoke.

- It's for us.
- Wh... Wh...

What do you mean?
I have an emergency.

It's an emergency.
I don't have a toothbrush.

But that's your emergency.

This is for... in case
we have an emergency.

You're not gonna have an emergency.
What makes you think

- you're gonna have a toothbrush emergency?
- Look at you.

- You're having an emergency right now.
- Mine's a fluke.

- It's a fluke emergency!
- This whole thing makes me nervous, Larry.

It's a fluke emergency.
A toothbrush emergency,

- it's one in a million!
- You're probably right.

I won't have
a toothbrush emergency.

And you know why I know that?

Because I have
a goddamn extra toothbrush.

Anyway, come on, Larry.

- Hey. There's a toothbrush...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't. Don't... It's not for you.
Don't even look at it.


- What are you doing here? Wait.
- What? What is this?

- What are you doing?
- Oh, my...

- It's a suite. You have a suite.
- Yeah.

- It's unbelievable.
- You don't have a suite?

I've got a little box.

Everybody has
a better room than me.

- What are you doing here?
- Everybody.

I was wondering
if perhaps you had...

an extra toothbrush?

- Mm, I don't. Sorry.
- Aah, God.

- Can I use yours?
- No.

- Why?
- It's gross.

We were married.
I've used your toothbrush before.

- You've used mine.
- That was so long ago.

Same mouth,
the mouth is the same.

I'd rather not.

Look at the esteem
that I hold your mouth in.

- It's a compliment. Yes.
- Is it?

I wouldn't use
anybody else's toothbrush

- in the entire world. Nobody's.
- Okay.

- Except yours.
- Please. Be fast.

- Do it and go.
- Okay. You know, you're supposed to brush for two minutes,

but I'm, I'm gonna shorten it
just, just for you.

Thank you. I'll take the floss to go.

- Oh, my God. Look at you.
- Ted!

- I thought you weren't coming.
- I know, I know. I know.

I told 'em I had to be here. I didn't
want you to be down here by yourself.

- I'm sorry. I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back.
- Oh, no wait. Wait, wait.

No, wait, wait. Ted.


What are you doing? What?
Fuck. What's going on, man?

- Noth... Nothing's going on.
- Nothing's going on.

- Nothing's going on, okay?
- This is so stupid.

I didn't have a toothbrush.

- Right.
- And she was kind enough to let me use her toothbrush.

- Yeah, he...
- So why didn't you take the toothbrush back to your room?

Why are you in my bathroom?

- I was here...
- That's my toothbrush.

Yeah, it was her toothbrush,
so I couldn't do that. Come on.

You gonna throw that away?

I mean, if you don't want it,
I'll take it.

- I mean, I'm happy to take it.
- Okay, well,

- why don't you go?
- Do me a favor. Just go.

I had a 48-year
toothbrushing streak.

I couldn't let it fall
by the wayside.

- Go. Please.
- Okay. Okay.

If Cal Ripkin was missing
his spikes

for one game, you think he
wouldn't borrow a pair of spikes,

- to keep the streak going?
- I don't even know what you're talking about.

- Cal Ripkin. He has the longest of the... streaks.
- Larry, please. Just go.

He said that I was the only one

he felt comfortable...
Okay, Larry.

- This is ridiculous. You got to go.
- Yeah. Okay.

Now this is clean, right?
Yeah. Okay.

- What should I do with this?
- Who cares? Just put it down on the floor.

The floor? I don't know. You know, you
make the maid bend down like that. It's...

Sometimes they like it
if you throw it in the tub.

Larry, it doesn't matter.

All right. Yeah.
Throw it in the bathtub.

- Well, go.
- You know what? I'm gonna...

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh, my God.

- Get out of my bathroom.
- Yeah. I'm going.

- Go, go, go.
- Leave it.

Okay. Yeah. Um...

Y-y-you mentioned something
earlier about floss.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Well? Find anything?

I'm sorry to say...

- I did not. The mission was not successful.
- Hmm.

Nobody brought an extra tooth...
Why do you smell minty?

- I'm minty?
- You brushed your teeth!


I used my finger.

- Finger? You used your...
- Yeah, Cheryl gave me some toothpaste, and...

This does not
smell like a minty finger.

I used Tom's.
There's no discernible odor.

- Okay. Are you hiding a toothbrush from me?
- I'm not... No, of cour...

What's that?

Uh, it was probably here

- when we got here.
- That stain?

Not a great room,
like you said.


I guess.

Well, well.

Look what we have here.

- Busted.
- Toblerone?

This is not like five M&M's.

This is like a cudgel,
this thing.

It's, it's actually very small.

In weight,
it's not really that big.

All right. Well, you know what?
I have to call the front desk,

- and tell them about the stain.
- No, you don't.

Of course I do.

Hey, this is Larry David
in room 462.

I, uh, I just wanted to
inform you that, uh, we

inadvertently stained the couch
with some chocolate. So...

Well, yeah. You're very welcome.

Okay. Buenos noches.

- You did the right thing.
- I feel good.

- I feel good.
- I'm glad.


Shall we proceed
with the tawdry business?


- Hi. Hi, Mr. David.
- Um...

I was wondering if you could tell
me, is there a place in town

where I could get clothes

for a wedding,
for a man and a woman?

Also, regular clothes, as well?

Yes, yes, of course, sir.
There is a great little boutique store,

uh, downtown,
in the Plaza de Manuel.

- Thanks so much.
- Oh, no, of course. And a bonus.

They have a little
carnival today.

- That could be interesting, huh?
- Check it out.

- Will do.
- Of course. Oh, and Mr. David?

Housekeeping called, and they took
care of that stain no problem, for you.

- Very good, very good. I'm glad I called. See that.
- Of course.

It's already charged to your bill,
so you don't have to worry about it.

What? What do you...
What'd you say?

It's all taken care of.

Did you say they...

You said they put it on my bill?

- Yes. They, uh, charged it to the room.
- What?

- How much am I being charged?
- Uh, $250.

Are you out of your mind?
I called you up.

- I told you about the stain.
- Yes, sir. We thank you.

You thank me?
How are you thanking me?

By charging me $250?
That's not thanking.

- No, we're fixing it for you.
- What do I care if your couch is fixed?

Suppose I walked in the room
and saw the stain on the couch

and called you up and said,
"There's a stain on the couch?"

- Would you charge me?
- No.

Don't you see what's wrong here?

You're punishing me
for being honest.

- I didn't have to tell you.
- You shouldn't have.

I don't give a shit about the couch.
What do you think about that?

I don't care
if you fix it or not!

- I'm never going back to this hotel.
- Please. Come back.

- I'm never coming back here again.
- Oh, but you're welcome to.

- Where's that store?
- Oh, it's downtown, Plaza de Manuel.

- And the carnival?
- Same place.

- Is it fun?
- It's fun.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Hey, mind your own
business, Mickey.

- I see you met my friend Larry.
- Good guy.

Ah, buenos dias.

- Oh, no.
- Buenos dias.

Whoa-ho, pancakes.
Livin' it up, huh?

- And berries? Oh, look at the raspberry. May I?
- Oh.

- Um, we're actually in the middle of, um...
- Oh.

- Breakfast, and...
- Yeah.

I'm just gonna have a raspberry.

Always a gamble.

There's always
a possibility of mold.

You got to really inspect 'em.

- You need like a jeweler's loupe.
- Yeah, Larry.

- Okay.
- Put a raspberry under a jeweler's loupe.

- Check for mold. But if they're good...
- Okay.

They're worth it.

I don't bite 'em.
Do you bite a raspberry?

Sometimes it gets stuck in your teeth.
What do you do then?

What do you do then? Exactly.

Go borrow somebody's
toothbrush, maybe?


Will you be joining us on
the way back on the plane?

- Yeah.
- Well, in that case, I'm gonna need your weight.

- I'm, I'm not telling you my weight.
- No.

- You're not telling me your weight?
- No. I don't do that.

You're disrespecting
the captain?

I am not disrespecting
the captain.

- You're disrespecting the captain.
- I'm not telling you my weight.

I don't think you understand.

This is not your grandmother

giving you some instructions
or something.

This is a captain.

- I'm not telling you my weight.
- Okay.

Will you be...

chipping in?

I'm sure you don't want to
be considered a... schnorrer.

Yeah, my understanding
was this was couples, babe.

- Right?
- Yes. I paid for us as a couple.

- And I've already paid. Yeah.
- It's a couple thing.

And we're a couple, Larry.


- Are you gonna eat that croissant?
- Yeah.

- We are.
- All right.

- I'll guess your weights. Okay?
- Please. Okay. Thank you.

Good morning.

- Hi, Lar.
- Hey.


Don't give me any grief on this.

Okay? I just got an email
from the captain.

And, uh, he wants, he wants

the weights for the flight back.

No, you mean the pilot.

Okay. This is neither here nor there.
We need weights.

No, no, no. It's here and there.

- He's the pilot.
- It's a moot point.

He could be Captain
fuckin' Nemo.

You're not getting my weight.

By the way, last night
I went to Mickey's room.

- Yeah?
- He had an extra toothbrush.

- He wouldn't give it to me.
- Well, he's the groom.

I'm not gonna say anything
bad about Mickey.

- I'll tell you that much.
- Okay, fine. Okay, fine.

You can play your games
to try and manipulate me

- into saying something bad.
- I'm not playing any games to manipulate you.

I'm just telling you
facts, okay?

If you dislike Mickey so much,
why did you even come here?

'Cause everybody's going. It was
presented to me like it would be fun.

- We're having fun.
- It is fun.

Yeah, I'm having fun.

- All right.
- Donna and I are going to the carnival.

- Yeah, we're going. It's gonna be fun.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there, Donna. Come here, bubbeleh.
Come here, sit down.

Okay. Uh, there's nothing,
nothing at the boutique.

- T-shirts. That's it. Yeah.
- No, they have serapes there. That's not... You know what?

I always carry an extra dress in
case there's a dress emergency.

It's gonna look gorgeous on you.

It'll fit you to a T.
It's elegant, stunning.

If it fits you,
you could keep it.

- You're so nice.
- That is so sweet.

- Of course. I'm generosity itself.
- I can't...

- Oh, my God.
- Why would you do something like that?

- That's unbelievable.
- Because she's in need, and I'm giving.

- Excuse me for one minute.
- No more worries.

No more worries.

Now, what's your
last name, sweetheart?

- Uh, Mayer.
- Oh, of course. Mayer. Yeah.

- Hey. I need your weight for the plane.
- Nah, fuck that.

I don't give my weight,
or my fuckin' height.

That's called a goddamn
description of a motherfucker.

- So it is. So it is.
- Larry,

you got to try this coffee.

It's the best fuckin' coffee
I ever had in my fuckin' life.

- What?
- Mm!

- Get a fuckin' cup.
- Really?

Watch what the fuck happens to
your goddamn mouth right now.


Holy shit. Leon, this is good!

- You're fucking right, it is.
- This is better than Mocha Joe's.

Mocha Joe can't fuck
with this right here.

- We got to get these beans.
- You got to get them fuckin' beans, Larry.

- Leon. I think you did something.
- Ha-ha!

Hey. Of course I fuckin' did.

- I'm gonna go find out about the beans.
- Yeah.

You better. Woo!

- Enjoy.
- Thank you.


Hello, sir.

I've just come...

to offer to you
my most sincere...

and humble apology.

Yes. I caused the stain.

I should pay for it.

You are 100% right.

We appreciate that
you understand

it was your fault.

Although, let's face it. I mean,

you could have been sports about it.
But, you know,

- water under the bridge. Whatever. Yeah.
- Of course, sir.

- I just want to apologize.
- Oh. Of course.

You know what.

- I had a cup of coffee earlier.
- Oh, yes.

And I got to say, it was the most delicious
cup of coffee I've ever had in my life.

- Thank you.
- It was fantastic.

- I was just wondering where you get those beans.
- Oh, yes.

They are the hotel's
proprietary beans.

They have been passed down
from generation to generation,

and the family specifically
asked that we keep it a secret.

- Yeah, I'll, I'll tell you why I ask.
- Mm-hmm.

My poor sister is...

she's quite ill.
She only has a few months to live.

And the only pleasure
in life that she gets at all is

from her morning coffee.
I know that...

this would add so much
to her life if...

you could find it
in your heart to...

to give me the name
of those beans.

May I ask what's wrong with her?

Well, she had, uh, Bell's palsy,

and then it turned into...

Rosenbaum's palsy,
which is quite lethal.

- I'm not familiar with either.
- Oh.

- Is it bad?
- Yeah, it's terrible.

You can't move
a muscle in her body.

Ah. How can
she drink the coffee?

All she can do, really, is lift
the cup up to her lips and swallow.

Literally that is
all she can do.

- Pretty much.
- I see.

I would like to extend
to you and your family

my deepest, sincerest
regards for her.

But we can't do anything
about the beans.

You know what? Bring her here.

Like I just said, she can't
travel, she can't move.

She's incapacitated. You gonna give
me the name of the beans or not?

- I am not, sir.
- Great.

I'm never coming back here again
for the rest of my life.

- Got it?
- Got it.

What's, what's the name of that
place for the clothes, again?

- Plaza de Manuel.
- Plaza de Manuel.

- And the carnival?
- Same place.

- It's fun?
- It's fun.

Never coming back here.

Oh, wow. This is cool.

Yeah. It's supposed to be fun.

I love it. I don't know
what you said to Susie.

Whatever it was, it was magic.

- Yeah.
- Turned all the way around.

I know what makes her tick.

Yes, you do, 'cause
she's my best friend.

Hey, look at this.

- Señor, guess your weight, yes?
- That's not...

- How about that?
- Nah, that's not...

- Yeah, we should do it.
- That's not fun.

I think we should go play
like a carnival game.

- Oh. You don't want to do it?
- Yeah.

- Well, why don't you do it?
- Okay.

- Si?
- Take a shot. Take a shot.

Okay, okay. Señora,
give me a little turn.

- A little turn?
- A little turn. A little spin.

- Yes. That is it. That is it. Ah.
- Okay, okay. There you go.

163 pounds, señor.

- Si? Yes!
- What? Unbelievable!

- Gracias. Thank you.
- Right on the head! You nailed it!

- Thank you. Gracias.
- You nailed it.

- Very good.
- Very nice.

Good job.

Why don't we go,
um, check out some shops?

Yeah. That's a good idea.

I would guess the lady weighs

155 pounds, señor.


- Wait. We didn't ask you to guess mine.
- What?

Who told you
to say that out loud?

How dare you!

You said she weighs 155 pounds?

- Are you sure about that?
- Yes.

- A hundred percent positive?
- Yes!

- 155.
- Yes.

Why, you charlatan! You quack!

You have besmirched this woman's honor.
I've got a good mind

to take this up with
the carnival commission.

Is there a carnival commission?

- No!
- All right.

Then I won't take it up.

But you'll be
hearing from me again.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

Let's get away from...

You know what?
I've got more to say to him.

- No...
- Yes.

- No, no, no. Larry. You don't... Oh God.
- Yeah.

- Hey, what's your name?
- Ernesto.

Ernesto, you stink!

Thank you very much.
You did a fantastic job.

I've got five people
coming later.

I want you to guess
their weights, too.

You hear me?

I got a good mind
to punch you in the face!


Who are you looking for?

No. No, nothing. Uh...

I thought you wanted to shop.

Yeah, we'll shop. Yeah.
Soon. We'll go soon.

Yo-yo for the señorita?

- Oh, yo-yo.
- No, thank you.

- Yo-yo?
- No, thank you.

Ah, get yourself a yo-yo.

- No yo-yo.
- Por favor?



This is really cute.
Jeff, you gonna win me a prize?

- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

Right back.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Ernesto. They're here.

- Yo, ho, ho!
- Hi!

Hey, look at this.
Let's do a little dance.

- What are you doing?
- Come on. We'll do a little dance.

- Get your fucking hands off of me. Get off of me!
- Huh?

- What are you doing?
- Hey, take my picture?

- Two left feet.
- Yeah. Let's get a different background.

Yeah, that's good.

- How's that?
- Yeah.

Terrific. Hey, Leon.

- You see all the chicks here?
- Oh, my God.

- Señoritas everywhere. Oh.
- Yeah, yeah. Everywhere. Huh?

- Yeah, everywhere.
- Over there. Look at that one. Huh?

- Woo! Yeah.
- Yeah.

Cheryl. I am so sorry
about last night.

- I know. It was really awkward.
- But the thing is, you know,

you shouldn't really
put towels on the floor.

- I wasn't, um...
- You know?

Putting a towel on the floor.
You're the one that...

- Larry?
- Yeah.

- Too much touch.
- Ted, again. I want to apologize

about the toothbrushing
last night.

I just have a 48-year
streak going.

- I didn't wanna-
- What... What are you doing?

- What are we doing?
- What are you doing?

- What?
- Strange behavior.

Ah, you know, I had
a couple of drinks.

- Ah.
- All right. Why didn't you say so?

- I had a lot to drink.
- So what is there to do in this town, Lar?

How the fuck do I know?
What are you asking me for?

'Cause you're an asshole.

What was that?

Come on, it doesn't...
It doesn't look that bad.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Some kind of hydraulics in here.

- Does she wear this all the time?
- I mean,

given what she normally wears,
that's pretty tame.

You are, Donna, a vision.

This is making me so happy,
I can't even tell you.

Elegant, classic, gorgeous.

I think she should keep it.

What's going on here?
Are you our man in Havana?

- This is all they... This is all they had.
- Are you undercover for the...

- They had nothing.
- Are you undercover for the CIA?

- You've got a big meeting.
- I like it.

- A big meeting coming up.
- I like the color.

I like you in color.

Hey. I'll be back.

- I give to you.
- Okay.

Might as well give me
the whole fuckin' bottle.

Walking back and forth,

- getting refills.
- Hey.


Sacks of beans.

Oh, shit.

- Come on.
- Let's get those fuckin' beans.

Oh, sorry.

You barely made it, barely.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Yeah.

- It's beautiful.
- Beautiful. Beautiful. It's a Bach cantata.

You should hear
Yo-Yo Ma's version.

- Yo-Yo Ma?
- Yeah.

- Yo-Yo.
- Yeah, Yo-Yo.

- He's the best.
- Oh, Yo-Yo's the best.

- Yeah.
- You like that word.

- What are you talking about?
- Yo-yo.

- That's crazy.
- Yo-yo.

- What?
- Just admit it.

You think I'm yo-ing up.

Listen, I don't know if you're yo-ing
up or yo-ing down, but you're...

you're definitely yo-ing.

Hey, Larry.

Guess what I found
under Cheryl's bed?

You son of a bitch.

You've been sleeping
with Cheryl.

- No.
- Oh, God.

- No.
- Bullshit.

You've been doing it for a while, too.
Haven't you?

That's why you were
in our room last night

- pretending to brush your teeth.
- No.

- Brush your teeth?
- What?

You said you brushed
with your finger.

- I been... What?
- Guys!

You bring me all
the way down here,

you're sleeping
with your ex-wife?

No, not last night.

- Earlier.
- Earlier?

- What?
- So it's true?

- Eh.
- Aw, you son of a bitch.

- You know something?
- Oh, God!

Aah! Larry!

- You fuck!
- What the fuck are you doing? Cut it out!

Holy shit!

What the fuck, Larry?

Sasha. Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

I mean, seriously!

What the fuck is your problem?

This is why you don't invite divorced
couples to a wedding, Mickey.

Larry, nobody likes you.

Jeff, back me up.

Uh, you're not gonna get me
to say anything bad about Larry.

Oh, kiss my ass.
You can fuck off, too, Jeff.

Fuck you, Mickey!

Cocksucker. Go fuck yourself!

- Anybody gonna help me up?
- Oh, God.

Uh, you got your passport?

Hey, Lar, where's Leon?

Oh, he stayed back, uh, with Mickey.
He's gonna play golf with him.

What a fucking asshole.

Yeah, right.

This is gonna be some ride home.

- Oh, God.
- Everybody hold up.

I'm gonna need your weights
before you guys can get on.

- No fucking way you're getting my weight.
- You're not doing this.

You're not getting in my weight.

I need the weight
before we can leave.

- That's not happening. Sorry.
- Okay. Forget it.

No, I'm afraid it is happening.

I have the weights!

How do you have the weights?

Because the carnival barker,

the best weight-guesser

in all of Mexico

- gave me this. He's the best.
- What?

- There you are.
- What? How'd you do that?

- Is that accurate?
- Oh, it's accurate.


Is that why he was spinning
us around like you were...

- Yes.
- Oh, brother.

That's diabolical, Lar.

I must say, uh,

there were a couple
of surprises in there.

- I'm not gonna say...
- Okay.

If you would just...
We want the paper back.

- What are you gonna do with that information?
- Don't worry.

- I'm the soul of discretion.
- Unbelievable.

I'm not gonna
say a word to anybody.

- I'm not gonna tell...
- You're still too heavy.

it's not the passengers. It's the cargo.

- Our suitcases?
- No, no, no. Not the suitcases. The, uh...

bags of beans.
They're all gonna have to go.

- Bags of beans?
- What does that even mean?

- Who brought bags of beans?
- You brought bags of beans?

Gag gift?

No, that's a real gift.
You've never had one?

- You ever played around with one?
- No!

You cuddle it.
Whatever your journey is.

What exactly do you see
in this man?

I think behind
those dark clothes lies a...

Very pretentious man?

So, the bathroom's
gonna be over there.

I've got a lot of ideas
for the urinals.

You wanna redesign a urinal?

- Elevated planks.
- Great.

Your feet never touch
the ground.

- Why?
- That's where the puddles are.

Do you know what it takes to
stand up there for 90 minutes,

one-man play?

It must be quite grueling.

One wonders why
somebody would do it.