Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Artificial Fruit - full transcript

[HBO] HD. 'Artificial Fruit.' (Season Ten) Larry gets the chance to clear the air with Alice.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Episode 3

Hello ? Mr. Porter ?

Are you Chulu Porter ?

Who are you ?

Um, my name is Larry David,
and I've been looking all over for you.

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

Have a seat.

So, you were the pastry chef
at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York,

were you not ?

It's been a while. A long time ago.

What a hotel. I mean,
there were a couple of problems

like the air-conditioning was not great,
I have to say.

I like a cold room, Chulu.
You know, sixty-four degrees.

And the tub was too small.

But besides that, what I loved about it

was every morning I'd go downstairs
to the restaurant,

and I'd have a cup of coffee
and a scone.

And those scones were the best scones
I've ever had anywhere in my...

- I've never forgotten them.
- Well, I was known for my scones.

Anyway, I'm opening up
a coffee shop, and...

I need you to make me those scones.

I'm sorry, I haven't touched a whisk...
twenty years.

See, Chulu, the thing is,
there's this man.

He's got this coffee place.

He's kicked me out of it.
He's banned me from it.

And I opened up a place
next door to his.

I've sworn revenge and with your help,
maybe I can get it.

- Oh, a spite-store.
- A spite-store. Right.

Well, what's this guy's name, anyway ?

He goes by the name of... Mocha Joe.

Did you say Mocha Joe ?

- You know him ?
- Nasty motherfucker.

Well, what you think ?

Pretty good !

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

No, I was just trying to stop her
from leaving,

so I, so I grabbed her wrist and shirt.

Larry, I think we're beyond the details
of what happened at this point,

because her attitude
has completely changed.

Alice and her attorneys
are out for blood,

and I think the priority now is keeping
this from going public.

You know, you have Seinfeld
syndication, you have a Hulu deal.

You don't want headlines about you
being sued

for sexual harassment
by a former assistant.

Can't believe what it did to me.

I think unfortunately we're in a
different category now, settlement-wise.

But, in your case I think
it's eminently worth it

for the value to you
of having this thing over with

and not lying around
to be discovered by the public.

What ? Get the fuck out of here !
Are you kidding ?

- Uh, well, that's not yet...
- What ?

That money is not for her. It's for a
charity called Survivors United,

devoted to victims of sexual
harassment, Alice's charity of choice.

I know. My, my cousin Andy's wife
is involved with that. Cassie, yeah.

That's great because, in addition
to the financial remuneration,

they would like you to make a speech.

They want me to make a speech ?
What am I supposed to say ?

I think she wants you to,
in a public way, show contrition

and show that this has moved
you a step forward,

that you've evolved
as the result of this experience.

I'm gonna call Alice's attorneys

to let her know
that you're on board with this.

What are you doing ?

I think I'm eating an apple.

Okay. I'm worried
you're not taking this seriously.

You're blithely eating an apple here.
We're really talking about...

There's no other way to eat
an apple but blithely.

- Yeah, but I need you...
- That's how apples are eaten.

You're incorrect about that.
My dad ate angry apples all the time.

An angry apple ?

He communicated a tremendous
amount of hostility.

You cannot eat an apple angry.
It's impossible.

I think there are a lot of
emotional colors available

when eating an apple,
not just blitheness.

I completely disagree with you.

I'm concerned
you're not taking this seriously.

I'm taking it seriously.

I'm gonna pay a shitload of money
and I'm gonna make a fucking speech

about something
I know nothing about !

Those aren't even apples for eating
anyway. They're decorative.

Decorative ? What, are you kidding ?
What ? I never heard of that in my life.

You never heard of decorative apples ?

Yes, and they're artificial.

I've never heard anybody using real
fruit as for decoration purposes.

Larry, I'd feel better
if we just stopped the eating for now,

just long enough to get a few basic
points down for the speech.

Okay, no worries.
I'll put the apple away.

- Just, uh...
- What ?

Now I have a half-eaten apple
in my basket here.

Where are you supposed to put it ?
It's a garbage, it's a garbage can.

Larry, it's not a garbage can.

That's a... It's an unlined receptacle
that's sitting next to a desk.

- Yes, for garbage !
- It's for paper.

How am I supposed to know
it's for paper ?

If I see a garbage can,
I throw garbage in there.

I think you're conflating garbage
with paper.

- It's for paper. It's not, uh...
- Yeah, this is the oddest office.

You have fruit that's not for eating.
You have garbage not for garbage.

And you have a bathroom
that nobody can use. It's unbelievable !

Hot off the presses, baby !

This is it. This is the scone.

- Go ahead. Take a bite.
- I'm good.

- What ?
- I'm good.

What are you doing ? Are you nuts ?
Take a bite.

- I'm good.
- How are you good ?

- I'll eat it later.
- All right, fine.

Hey, so, get this.

I have to do this speech
at a Survivors United event.

Remember that psychotic assistant
I had

who thought you were
Harvey Weinstein ?

This is all because of her.

I have to give a speech, I have
to give money to the organization...

- Speech and money ? That's bullshit !
- By the way, a lot of money.

- You didn't do anything.
- I know, I didn't do anything !

- That's bullshit !
- Total bullshit ! I'm so pissed.

Uh-uh-uh, Lar ! It's fake.

- What ?
- It's artificial fruit.

- Good, right ?
- Holy mackerel !

I know. There's no fruit flies,

It just sits there all day
looking beautiful.

Holy mackerel !
My mother would go nuts for this.

They didn't make them like that
in the old days.

This is a whole new technology.

Do me a favor. Text me the number
of where you got this.

All right. Uh, Jeff, what is
that piece of shit you're eating.

- Piece of shit ?
- Yeah.

That piece of shit happens to be
a scone that I'll sell at Latte Larry's.

Ugh, I don't like a scone.

You don't ? Who cares what you like ?
You have such pedestrian taste anyway.

I like a delicious, moist cupcake.

What is that ?

- What ?
- That picture.

What ? Oh, remember
that wedding in Malibu ?

The four of us, we used to have
such good times together.

Oh, that was so nice, Jeffrey.
Remember that ?

This picture's very painful for me now.

- Why ? 'Cause Cheryl's in it ?
- Yeah, I want you to take it down.

I'm not taking it down.
It's part of our history.

I'm not gonna deny our history.
Or rewrite it.

It's like looking
at confederate war monument.

It's a history
that's very hurtful for me.

Well, I'm sorry. I want to honor
our history, our heritage.

This picture being up
is very offensive to me, Susie !

Well, I'm sorry !
Put it the fuck back !

And get that fucking crusty scone
out of my house, too.

Taste it, will you ?

Uh, I'm good.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell you,

this is gonna be one of the best scones
you've ever had in your life.

- Really ? I can't wait.
- Yeah, I'm just telling you. Okay ?

- And I'm not even overselling it.
- These are great.

Are these chocolate chips
or are they blueberries ?


- What ?
- No, they're not good.

- What are you talking about ?
- It's so dry.

What ? You're crazy !

I could go out there
and choke, eating this thing !

- Scones are dry.
- Well, then, okay !

- They're supposed to be dry.
- Well, then you got what you paid for.

'Cause I've never tasted anything
like this granularly...

It's like a buttermilk biscuit
without the butter in it.

Then don't come in the store !
Go to Mocha Joe's !

Stop it. I'm not gonna get into...
Oh, what a pretty sweater.

Ooh, this is so nice.
Where'd you get this ?

Cheryl gave it to me.
It was a gift... Get out of here.

- Where is this from ?
- Who the hell cares ?

Hold on. Okay. Okay. It's like
a fireplace cardigan is what it is.

Hey, Larry. I was just gonna call you.
I'm so happy to see you.

- Oh, really ?
- You're like my hero.

He gave the biggest, the biggest
donation to Survivors United.

- Stop it. You did ?
- Yeah, I did.

Why didn't you tell me ?

I give to a lot of charities.
I don't tell everybody, you know.

It's really sweet.

You were connected with it,
so I thought it would be a nice gesture.

- You didn't.
- Is that why you did that ?

That's part of the reason.
And I think it's a great cause.

That almost makes me cry.
That is the sweetest thing ever.

- And you're doing a speech ?
- Wait till you hear the speech.

- I want to ask you a favor, okay ?
- Sure.

You've already done so much,
so this shouldn't be that big of a deal.

I just need a doodle from you.

We're doing like an auction
with celebrity doodles...

- Well, I don't really draw at all.
- It's a doodle.

- It doesn't matter. That's the point.
- It's a doodle.

It's literally like
"This is a Larry David doodle."

- Doesn't matter what it looks like.
- I can do a doodle.

- Okay. Thank you. Truly.
- Okay. Sure.

- You're a pal.
- Thank you for the doodle.

So, what'd you get for dinner ?

Uh, we're gonna have artichokes,
which we haven't had in forever.

And I'm gonna roast a chicken and...

- What's going on ?
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Please don't. No, no, no.
- What ?

Sorry. We don't use this.

We throw our trash in the pantry.

So, so, what is this ?
This is a show can ?

It indicates that we know
how to throw things out.

I can't believe what's going on. Same
thing happened in my lawyer's office.

Well, we like to keep the place clean.

I was keeping the place clean
by throwing my garbage in the garbage.

We don't even have a liner in there.
Take a look. We don't use that at all.

I can't have it.

So, if I had some garbage in my hand
and I say, "Where's the garbage can ?"

What do you say ?

- We say, "The garbage can is here..."
- Throw it in the pantry."



- What the hell are you doing here ?
- Here, I want you to taste this.

- You know I don't like surprises.
- Oh, shut up.

Here, taste this. It's a scone.

- Scone ?
- Yeah.

- Forget about it.
- What ?

- I would never touch a scone.
- Are you nuts ?

- It's hard and it breaks off.
- That's the way it's supposed to be.

Then the powder falls all over the floor
and then you gotta vacuum after...

Who needs all this shit
when you're eating a snack ?

- What are you, a senile old man ?
- No !

- You're eating all over yourself ?
- I don't want to...

No, it's the scone's fault
if it's... Put it away.

I'm sorry Funkhouser's not around.
He loves scones.

- He's in China.
- When's he coming back ?

- I don't know, but he would hate it.
- He would love it.

I've had coffee
with Funkhouser many times.

Scones are his pastry of choice.

Yeah, by the way, what a sweater.

I don't like sweaters
but that's gorgeous.

- Really ?
- Gorgeous.

Okay, you know what ?
Here, take it.

- Oh, come on.
- I don't want it.

Cheryl gave it to me
and I don't like the reminder.

- Thank you very much.
- It hurts me to wear it, actually.

Well, it won't hurt me
if I ever wear it.

- We having lunch tomorrow ?
- Zaragoza.


What happened ?
You bite your tongue ?

It's Castilian.

What's Castilian mean ?
Isn't that a soup ?

Castilian, it's a dialect of Spanish.
And they pronounce their z's as th's.

- Zaragoza.
- All right. All right, but I'm paying.

You're paying for what ? Lunch ?
That's what you think.

- You have never paid for me.
- I'm paying, okay ?

You are not paying because I have
my own bread and I can treat you.

I know you can and you always do.
You never let me pay and I'm sick of it.

No, fuck you ! And I'm paying !

Fuck you, you're not paying,
I'm paying.

- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.

Take your scones and get
the hell out of here.

Yeah, with pleasure ! But before I go,
I think I'll just leave you one.

- Just in case.
- Yeah, thanks a lot.

Fuck you, I'm paying
and I'll see you tomorrow !

You fucking idiot !

- Welcome back to Zaragoza.
- Thank you very much.

I have a reservation tomorrow.

I'm having lunch with Richard Lewis.
You know him ?

Yeah, yeah. He always comes earlier
to leave us the card.

I want to pay tomorrow.
And so, I want to beat him to the punch.

That's why I'm here 'cause
I want to leave my credit card.

- Now ?
- Yes, this'll be for my bill tomorrow.

- No, we're not comfortable doing that.
- Why ? What's the big deal ?

It's too much responsibility
because it may get stolen.

Listen, he's just gonna come
very early tomorrow,

he's gonna give you the credit card.

I want to pay.
Just take my credit card.

Beat him. Come earlier.

I don't want to come at,
at six o' clock in the morning.

I'm so sorry.
I wish I could but...

Where is Francisco ? He'll take it.
He waits on me all the time.

Unfortunately, his auntie died.

He's at the visitación
of Concepción Zarzal.

- He's where ?
- His auntie died.

So, he's at the visitación
of Concepción Zarzal.

- Concepción Zarzal ?
- Yes.

- That's her name. Concepción Zarzal.
- Yes.

By the way, your friend Ted Danson
came yesterday

with a very attractive blonde.

- Oh, did he ?
- Yeah, they had a fantastic time.

Cecilio ? What was the name
of yesterday's blonde ?

- Cheryl.
- Cheryl ! You know her ?

I do. Yeah.

- Oh, lucky you.
- Okay.

Where is the location of that,

The address
of Concepción Zarzal's wake ?

Yeah. Yeah, that one.


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

- Francisco.
- Larry.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Did you know my aunt, Concepcion ?

I didn't know her.
I'm sure she was a wonderful woman.

She was like a mother to me.

- Is that so ?
- Yes.

Let me ask you a question. Are you
working at Zaragoza tomorrow ?

Zaragoza ?
Yes, of course.

Oh, okay. 'Cause I'm having lunch
with Richard Lewis.

Okay. Can we talk about this
another time, please ?

Yeah, yeah, it'll take two seconds.
Um, and he always pays for lunch.

I'd just like to get
a little head start on him

and just give you
my credit card beforehand.

- Is that possible ?
- Please.

- Would you mind doing that ?
- Seriously ?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Ah. Thank you.

Hey. What the...
What, what are you doing here ?

- Me ? What are you doing here ?
- What are you doing here ?

- Francisco, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no, no.

Hey, I've already paid.
You're too late. Get lost.

Don't even start it.
You know I always have to pay.

- No. Give me that card. Give me...
- No ! No, no, no, no !

Oh, dear.

Just give me that !
Give it ! Give it ! Give it !

- Hey, did you try the scone ?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I didn't love it.

- Are you kidding ?
- It's like a fancy muffin.

Don't say it's a fancy muffin. You
don't know what you're talking about.

What aren't you getting ?
It's a fancy muffin.

It's like you're saying roast beef
is chicken. Roast beef is not chicken.

- Did Susie like it ?
- Fucking hated it.

Okay, fuck you guys.
You're so stupid.

And could you do me one favor,
please ?

Can you take down that picture
of me and Cheryl ? In your house ?

- Susie won't let me.
- So... You know what, I can't even...

What the fuck ?

Holy shit.

Let me tell you something.
Get used to it.

He's gonna be everywhere.
It's a big movie.

Billboards, talk shows, everywhere
you look, it's gonna be Ted Danson.

Inundated, that's what we're gonna be.

He came to my house last year,
asked me if he can go out with Cheryl.

I said "no," but he did it anyway.

- What kind of friend is that ?
- I don't know.

Your most vulnerable moment.
You're getting divorced.

Oh, he's gonna swoop in
and take your ex-wife.

- Right. Friends don't do that.
- Friends don't do that.

Who does something like that ?
That motherfucker !

- Son of a bitch !
- What are you doing ?

No, no, Larry, no !

Oh, my tongue ! I can't believe
you did that like that !

I bit my fucking tongue. Fuck.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, goddamn !

Yeah. Stir it up real good.

Put a little tea, a little lemonade
together, got a little Arnold Palmer.


That motherfucker
got away with that shit.

Yeah, I don't think
he was the first one to do it.

Fucking right. You know how many times
I put milk and Mountain Dew together ?

And I mean, I could have my own,
my own fucking drink, Leon Black.

Milk and Mountain Dew ? Disgusting.

There's certain taste buds
that you motherfuckers like,

but you get away with that shit,
I don't know how the fuck you get away.

When you say "you motherfuckers,"
are you referring to... white people ?

Of course I am.

You motherfuckers will accept
all kind of stupid shit in your mouth.

- Oh, is that so ?
- Escargots and fucking wheatgrass.

Who the fuck drinks fucking grass ?

- Oh, okay, okay. I must... Yeah.
- Get them off from cutting your grass.

And what about, um, chitlins ?

And pig's knuckles ?

And pig's brains and pig's feet ?

Anything to do with the pig. Huh ?

- Touché, motherfucker.
- Touché.


Hey, man. Shit.
What the fuck is that ?

I hope your speech is better
than that goddamn doodle right there.

Hey, fuckface. You really shouldn't be
insulting a doodle. It's a doodle.

It's just horrible.
You fucking kidding me, man ?

What the fuck ?
That's artificial fruit !

- Is my tooth chipped ?
- It's chipped !

- Is my tooth chipped ?
- Yes, you chipped it !

What the fuck, Larry ?

What are you eating
artificial fruit for ?

Who the fuck puts artificial fruit
on the table ?

I don't know. I saw it at Jeff's house.
I liked it.

Don't put the thing on the table
in the fucking kitchen !

What the fuck
I'm supposed to do with it ?

I don't know. You couldn't tell ?

No ! You should put that shit somewhere
else, like in the living room,

where nobody's gonna fucking eat it !

My tooth is chipped.


They serve eggs without toast.
It's unbelievable.

Some people are allergic to toast.

Is that an answer ? What is that ?
It's, it's imbecilic.

All right, some people...
Why is it imbecilic ?

Well, everybody... You, you can't
serve the eggs without the toast.

They're, they're a team.

You are like a president in the 18th
century on the back of a train,

saying, "And there will always be toast
with eggs !

And two turkeys in every garage !"

Stop lecturing the world
on your point of view.

Uh, excuse me ?

Oh. Yes, sir ?

Um, there's no toast with the eggs.

Sorry. Our cocinero cook Cecilio
must have forgotten.

All right. Thank you very much.

You're driving him nuts, man.

- What is this ?
- What is what ?

- You're wearing the sweater ?
- It's a gift.

I told you before.
I didn't want to see it anymore.

It has painful memories for me.
So, take it off.

What kind of gift is that ? I'll wear
whatever I want. It's mine now.

This is selfish. It's very selfish.

You gave me an espresso machine
from Rome. I'm gonna throw it out ?

- Okay, take off that sweater.
- I'm not taking it off. It's mine.

I want you to take off
that fucking sweater.

Hey, what, are you out of your...
Hey, get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey,
what the fuck you're doing ?

Get out...
No. Don't touch me.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Here's your toast.
- Thank you.

And, Seńor Lewis.

The check. Thank you so much
as always. Thank you. Really.

What ? What are you talking about ?

No, no, no, no, no.
I gave Francisco my credit card.

Francisco's not here. He's mourning the
death of his aunt, Concepción Zarzal.

God bless you and God bless him
and his aunt and...

Generous tip, by the way. As usual.
Am I right or am I wrong ?

- Larry David.
- Well, well. Hello, Laverne.

It is so good to meet you.

- I have a cold.
- You have a cold.

I don't want to get you sick.

That is so considerate of you.
Thank you so much.

Most people don't do that.
They keep it to themselves.

I think what would I want someone
to do if I were on the other side.

And I want someone to tell me
and I want them to protect me.

You know what you're doing ?
You're "golden rule"-ing it.

- I'm "golden rule"-ing it.
- You're "golden rule"-ing it, Laverne.

You know, Larry, I just wanted
to take this moment

to say how grateful I am
for you to be here.

I think it's so important
that straight white men,

particularly in your age group,
be part of the movement.

And I think you, Larry, are gonna be
a role model to so many people.

- And you'll be introducing me ?
- Absolutely.

You know what you're gonna say yet ?

- I have a couple of ideas.
- Oh, yeah ? What ?

I think you can introduce me sort
of as a renaissance man.

You know,
a guy who speaks six languages.

You speak six languages, Larry ?
Oh, my god, that's amazing.

No, I only speak one language. Yeah.
I know a little bit of Yiddish.

What then ? What's up ?

What a nut. A terrible temper.

You know, a couple of things
I picked up from my parents.

So, you want me to get on stage
at a charity and lie ?

No, you just say these things.
It will impress them.

You want to impress people with lies ?

Well, how else do you impress them ?

Larry, I... First of all, I don't lie.

So much of this event is
about being in the truth.

All right. Introduce me any way
you'd like. How about that ?


By the way, you know,
I have a friend, Marty Funkhouser.

His daughter is transitioning
to be a man.

That's beautiful.
That's so beautiful.

Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question
about the whole transitioning thing ?

- Okay.
- Okay, I'm an organ donor...

And on my driver's license it says
I'm an organ donor.

Can you, can you donate a penis
to a person who's transitioning ?

'Cause that's not...

How about this one ? Could a white
transitioner get a black penis ?

Okay. I think I got it.
I think I understand.

All righty, Larry.
It was great to... great to meet you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

See you out there.

Larry, how are you ?

How about this, huh ?
Nice event, huh ?

- What, what, what the hell is this ?
- What ?

- This sweater. What are you doing ?
- I know. Isn't it nice ?

Okay, take it off ! Okay ?
I want you to take it off !

- What are you talking about ?
- I don't want you to wear that sweater.

- Why ?
- 'Cause Cheryl gave it to me.

I gave mine to Richard 'cause
I didn't want to be reminded of it

and now you're reminding me of it.

- I'm not taking this off.
- Take it off.

- It goes with all my pants. It's great.
- Yes. Sexy.

- Take it off.
- What are you... Get out of here !

Larry, stop it. He's got a polo shirt
on under this. We're at an event.

Yeah, I got a golf shirt.
I can't take this off.

Okay, anyway, can we talk
about something important ?

- Yeah, sure.
- I'd like to talk to you about this.

Okay. What about it ?

- This is the doodle you give me ?
- Yeah.

It's terrible, Larry. We can't use this.

You said it doesn't matter
what it looks like. It's a doodle.

No, this is a doodle.
This is Christine Lahti's.

- That's a doodle ?
- That's a doodle.

This is beautiful.

That is not a doodle.
That is a work of art, okay ?

- This is gonna get so much money.
- So much money.

This, what, a nickel ?
I'll give you two pence.

You're not holding the right way.
You hold it like this.

That's so much better.
Let's get it framed.

Yeah, it could be anything. It could be
a rollercoaster. It could be a shoe.

It could be a large intestine.
You gotta think a little bit !

You know what it is ?
It's what you find in a large intestine.

- That's what that is.
- Oh, my god.

- It's a piece of shit.
- Okay, yeah ?

It is. It is. Honestly.
That's what I think of it. Okay ?

Because we can't sell it.
We can't do anything with it.

I gotta hang this up.

- See this ?
- Oh, you're throwing it in there ?

- Oh now, it's a garbage can.
- Yeah, and that's garbage.

Oh. Yeah, thank you.

- Christine !
- Yes ?

- Hey, Larry David.
- Hey, Larry.

- How are you ?
- I'm good.

Good. I'm kinda surprised
to see you here.

Oh, yeah, why is that ?

I don't know.
You're known for other things,

not your activism
or your advocacy for women.

I've spent a good deal of my life
advocating for women.

- Well, I didn't know that.
- And pursuing them.

Right. Purs... Right. Okay.

That's advocacy in a way,
in that I'm pursuing them.

I want them. I'm advocating
for them by pursuing them.

Right. Okay.

Especially if sex resulted from it,
that would be fine. Not...

It's not exactly what I meant,

but you know it's a cause
that I really believe in

and I'm really passionate about,
so I'm happy to hear that you are, too.

Oh, yes, of course.

But anyway, so I...
Did you do a doodle ?

- Uh, yes, I did. Yes, I did.
- I didn't... I didn't see...

No, it's not on the wall.
It's not on the wall.

- I notice your doodle is on the wall.
- Yes. Yes. Do you like it ?

I like it. I think it's very well done.
How long did it take you to do that ?

I mean, maybe twenty minutes.
Half, half an hour.

- Half an hour ?
- I didn't time it.

Yeah, but that's not a doodle.
That is not a doodle.

- It's a doodle. They're all doodles.
- No, it's not a doodle.

Yeah, this is like the Louvre.
I mean, come on. You know what ?

What was yours like ?

- It was open to interpretation.
- Oh, abstract.

That's the beauty of a doodle.
You don't know what it is.

Okay, did you put any effort into it ?

I put the same amount of effort
I put into the doodle

as I would if I was talking on the
phone, doodling, which is to say none.

Larry, Larry, if you don't put
effort into it,

I'm sorry to say this, it smacks
of kind of a white male privilege.

You know, that you don't have to put
any effort into anything.

You could get away with anything
because you're a white man, right ?

Oh, that's just... That's just nonsense.

Well, then, why didn't you put
effort into it ?

I'm the only one who followed
instructions out of everybody...

- There's no doodles here.
- They're all doodles, in fact.

None of them are doodles.

Passionate doodles, because we care
about this cause and you don't.

- Oh, I don't care about the cause ?
- No, I don't think you do.

Oh, I don't ? I don't, huh ?
What is that ?

What is that ? A doodle ?

That's a speech that I'll be giving
that you'll be listening to

and apologizing to me later for ever
talking to me like this.

I don't think so.
Who wrote that ? Your assistant ?

I wrote it. And it took a lot less time
than it took for you to do that painting

I can tell you that.

Ladies and gentlemen, Laverne Cox.

Good afternoon.
My name is Laverne Cox,

and I am so honored to be here
with each and every one of you,

and to welcome you
on behalf of Survivors United.

Now, I know these events
can be triggering,

but I want to remind you
that you are more than your pain.

I want to remind you that you are more
than what happened to you.

Our first speaker, you know him

as the co-creator
of the legendary sitcom Seinfeld.

Please join me
in welcoming Larry David.

Oh, this is so nice of you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Ah, stop it.

Oh, no, to you. To you.
You're the heroes. You're the heroes.

Asshole !

- What are you doing ?
- No, she has a cold !

- What is wrong with you ?
- She has a cold !

You're such a disgrace !
Why would you even come here ?

She has...
Should've told 'em you have a cold !

- Asshole !
- You need to go home !

Well, what was I supposed to do ?
She had a cold.

- Oh, god, Larry, she had a cold ?
- Yeah.

She had a cold.
What if she didn't have a cold ?

Oh, well...

You're supposed to kiss her.
It's a social nicety.

No, I... You know, I...

All right. Now we gotta walk this ba...
I mean, Larry, the optics were terrible.

This was the way out,
do you understand that ?

This was supposed
to be the olive branch.

Okay. Okay, okay. I'll make out
with Laverne Cox on national television.

I'll have a make-out session with her.

No, forget that.
How about a nice hug.

I'll give her a hug. You know ?

All right. We'll spitball.
But let me set up the meeting, okay ?

- I'll slow dance with her.
- Okay.

More of an old-fashioned dance,
not, you know...

Don't come up
with any more ideas. Okay ?

Our problem is that Alice does not feel

that what happened
was a good faith fulfillment agreement.

Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice.
Oh, I'm so sick of this woman !

- So, she is now seeking...
- I'm so sick of her !

She is now seeking
a personal settlement

on top of the original donation
and speech.

I felt sorry for her !
That's why I hi...

What are you doing ? You're writing
down again ? Are you kidding ?

Oh, get the fuck out of here !
That's insane !

Well, that's the price
of buying back your legacy, my friend.

Wait, wait, I got an idea.

Remember that old
John Lennon / Yoko Ono album

where they're in bed together,
the bed-in ?

Whatever that was ?
I'll be in bed with Laverne Cox.

We get a picture, you know.

How about this ? I think
there is one last glimmer of hope,

if we're lucky enough to execute it,

and that is to sit down
face to face one last time,

if they will have it,
with Alice and her attorneys,

and explain that what happened
was a legitimate misunderstanding.

You know what ? I think you should
put me on the phone with that attorney.

Black women really like me.

Let me set up the meeting,
and then we'll go from there.

- You okay with that ?
- Yeah, I mean, sure.


- Oh, have an apple.
- What ?

Yeah. Maybe I overreacted last time.
Have one.

Wow ! Very proud of you !
You are making progress.

Larry, no, no, no...

- What the fuck ?
- Oh, my god !

Oh, my god !

I chipped my tooth !

I didn't think you'd bite it.
It was artificial !

Then what the fuck
did you offer it to me for ?

I thought you'd pick it up
and think it was great !

- What, are you fucking stupid ?
- I'm sorry.

You're sorry ? You're sorry ?
You think you're sorry ?

Shove it up your ass !

I'm gonna kill that bastard.
I should sue him !

At least yours was an accident.

My lawyer, he offered me the fruit
on purpose.

At least I didn't offer it to you.

Well, now you know how I feel.
You smirked when I bit it. You smirked.

There was no smirk. Get out of here.

And my dentist, also, what ?
He can't see me till tomorrow ?

I need that ? It's emergency !

Hello ?

Suspicious activity ?
On my credit card ?

A thousand dollars of papas bravas,
manchego cheese paella ?

No ! I didn't order that,
but I know who did ! Francisco Zarzal !

Cancel my credit card !

Come on. We have
to find Francisco Zarzal.

- Francisco Zarzal.
- Let's go.

This guy's got some nerve.

He played you for a fucker.
He played you for a straight fucker.

It's just stealing, plain and simple.

It's bullshit ! This is bullshit !

What the...

- You'll see. Take a ride.
- All right.

Bullshit. Straight bullshit.

He played us for suckers.

Why do you sound like that ?

I chipped my tooth. How about you ?

My tongue's all torn. Sucks !

I have to call Zaragoza. See if I can
track down Francisco Zarzal.

That's it.

Look at this. This has to be it.




Excuse me. Have you seen
Francisco Zarzal ?

He's a server at Zaragoza.

No, I haven't seen Francisco.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- So sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I don't see him anywhere.

You know what I see ?
I see everything I paid for.

Flower arrangements, the candles,
the alcohol, everything.

Look at the sumptuous spread.

Yeah. I paid for that, too.
Come on, let's eat.

Hey, where the fuck you're going ?
I'm already going this way !

Give me a plate.

Give me some of that.

- Some eggs.
- No toast ?

- There's no toast.
- You ? Again with the toast ?

You have to have toast when
you eat eggs. It's a necessity.

What are you even doing here ?

Ah, Francisco !

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hello, Francisco. It seems as
if you've been using my credit card.

What do you have to say for yourself ?

This is not a conversation to have
at the reception of Concepción Zarzal.

Will you repeat that, please ?

I don't think this is a conversation

to have at the reception
of Concepción Zarzal.

We do it in Zaragoza.

Oh, you want to have the conversation
at Zaragoza.

What's this, charges from Zaragoza ?

No, not from Zaragoza. From here.

Oh, perhaps this is a mistake because
our cards, they look very similar.

But perhaps I used the number,
but I, I don't understa...

Similar ? How are they similar ?
The numbers are not the same.

The names are certainly not the same.

One says "Larry David,"
the other says "Francisco Zarzal."

It's not Tharthal, it's Zarzal.

- Zarzal.
- Zarzal.

- Zarzal.
- Zarzal.

Zarzal. Son of a bitch.

You're making fun
of the way we speak.

No. No, I'm not making fun.
My tooth is chipped.

- Don't mock me.
- Sorry. Sorry.

- They're making fun.
- What ?

- You're making fun.
- No, no, no. What are you doing ?

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- Sorry !
- No disrespect ! No disrespect !

You're making fun of us.
You're disrespecting us.

- No, no, we're not making fun !
- Sorry.

Motherfuckers !
Get your hands off me !

Get the fuck off me !

Sorry. Sorry !

- Trash !
- Trash ?

Don't throw me in the garbage can !

I said I'm sorry !

I said I'm sorry !

Sir, the Union broke through our lines,

and our troops have retreated
across the Appomattox.

Gentlemen, I believe
I need some time to myself.

Ted Danson is Lee.

So, look, I'm sure we'll go
over all this stuff upstairs...

I don't think we should speak
unless our attorneys are present.

You just have to know that
that whole thing was a huge...

The audience misunderstood because...
She had a cold.

You made a mockery
of the entire event.

You made a mockery
of sexual harassment survivors.

And you violated the terms
of our agreement.

I think we should just wait
for the lawyers.

Yeah, I had a whole speech prepared.
It was a great speech.

I talked about Gloria Steinem.

You know, I had a picture of her
up on my wall when I was a teenager.

She was really attractive.

- Excuse me ?
- No ?

That's just completely inappropriate.

Okay. You know what ?
Are you hungry ?

- Um, a little.
- Stay right there.

I have something for you.
Don't, don't move. Stay right there.

If the elevators come,
I'm getting in one.

Okay. All right.

- Here you go.
- What is this ?

This is a scone. They're fantastic.

Why do you have these ?

Well, because I have a...
I'm opening up a store.

Try it. You'll love it.
Thank you.

Huh ? What do you think ?
Pretty good, right ?

Yeah, darn right, they're good.

- So dry.
- Dry ?

Dry ?

I can't breathe.

What ? Oh, my god.
You want the Heimlich ?