Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Holiday - full transcript

So I was thinking, this time around,
YOU might handle the baby duties.

I don't think so.

I'll do it. I'll take the
paternity leave. Stuff work.

Mr Xi is my new mentor.

Dale, when you were a businessman...

.. what area were you in, exactly?

Client-facing, results orientated.

- Turns out you're right about that
Triads thing. - I was fairly sure.

Could you tell me why my father's

1976 Triumph Stack is in the driveway?

- I sent an invite to your mum.
- Cooee!



- I have fallen for a truly special girl.
- What's her name?

Ling, she is Mr Xi's daughter, actually.

- He's obviously got feelings for you deep down.
- Annoyingly deep down.

Ugh!

- Dale!
- You were jealous of me and him.

I love Ling. See previous conversation.

- There's something I
need to tell Kenneth. - Oh?

Not one phone call, not a
letter, not a single e-mail

since I left China.

- Nothing.
- Come on, Belinda.

- Alan was not your real father.
- What?

- Aw, Sid, I miss that little guy.
- I don't. Not yet, I don't.

I hope your mum's all right with him.

North? Why are we driving
north? Where are we flying from?



We're not flying anywhere, Dylee.
We're going to Cumbria instead.

They decided two weeks ago.

That was serious? I thought it
was one of dad's shit jokes.

- Why the fuck would we go on
holiday to Cumbria? - Well...

Why would anyone in their right
mind even pass through there?

It's like... Well, I know nothing
about it, that's how it is.

We're going to be spending
a week with your family,

isn't that what matters, Dylan?

Yeah, well, I'm packed
for Barbados, all right?

So, unless I'm going outdoor
horse riding in Speedos, you can

count me out of outdoor
activities. I've got my Xbox.

You bunch of twats.

♪ Good morning, world
It's a brand-new day. ♪

- Bagsie the master bedroom.
- Absolutely not.

Going against a bagsie? That's bad karma.

That's your holiday fucked, Dad.

- Ah!
- Insubordination.

Right, well, this is going to be
a nice family holiday, isn't it?

I suggest we all dump our bags

and then we'll go for
a lovely short walk...

- Oh, Ken... - Oh, Dad... - ..
down the road to the local pub.

- Ah, now we're talking.
- Not such a boring dad now, is he?

- Oh, and, Dylan, you're not using
our bathroom either. - Said Hitler.

This is nice, isn't it?
All the family together.

OK, so two groups. Group one,
Mum and Dad, I do not know you.

- Thanks, Dylan. - Charming.
- Group two, you guys.

Dale, you're my wing man, stay with me.

Rachel, you're the female
friend that shows I'm sensitive,

cos I hang out with you even
though you're ridiculously lame.

OK, yeah, turning down that offer.

God, you could have been
part of something great.

Come on, you weirdo.

I'm going to the loo.

So what do you think he's
like, your biological father?

I don't know. From what Mum
said, not too promising.

Some Northern Casanova who
latched onto her in a bar.

Anyway, this is the place.

I don't see why we have to
be so underhand about it,

pretending to the kids we're on holiday.

Don't you think we should have
called your father first --

let him know we were coming?

I've explained this, he
must not know I'm his son.

We meet him anonymously
and, if we don't like him,

- we can just walk away.
Plan? - Plan. - Plan.

So what next?

Well, I guess we just wait for
a tall, handsome older man with

a keen intelligence
shining through blue eyes.

And, in the meantime, we get rat-arsed.

- My kind of holiday.
- Right.

Hello?

Argh! Ugh.

Steve! What are you doing here?

Neighbourhood Watch,
what are you doing here?

Ken asked me to water the
plants. Neighbourhood Watch?

Mm. Holiday's a folly.

Thieves target homes when
their owners are away,

- but if they try this one, they
have me to contend with. - Get off.

Come on, big boy, take a shot at me.

- Come on, come on.
- Wait, are those Ken's pyjamas?

Yeah, of course.

- I don't own a pair,
I sleep nude. - Right.

I think I'm going to have
to call Ken and tell him

you've broken into his house.

Shh.

Or you could jump into a spare
pair of jimjams and watch Ken

and Lorna's wedding video with me.

Trust me, it is a cracker.

Fuck it, it's a Saturday.

So, yeah, I'm from the
mean streets of Lichfield.

It is kind of like Compton, LA, really.

It's got this banging cathedral.

And so, yeah, uni was
just like, pfft, nah,

bigger things. You know,
bigger dreams. Ghetto dreams.

So, what do you do?

- Oh, I used to be a businessperson,
now I'm a nanny. - Wow.

So you have a sensitive side?

Who wants another drink?
Dale, come with me.

You need to scram, you're
killing my vibes, bitch.

It's just like, Dyl, the thing
is, if Ling's forgotten about me,

I kind of gotta start
putting myself out there.

Well, here's an idea, why don't
you go and get off with Rachel?

Have you been smoking too much of
your pot weeds? Do you not remember?

- Rachel said no to me at Christmas.
- She changed her mind.

What?

Come on. Have you seriously not seen it?

Why has no-one told me this?

Oh, my goodness.

I may need to run back to the
house and... clear my head.

- Yeah, great idea.
- OK. - Dale... - Yeah?

All right?

- I'll see you back at the ranch.
- Er, does Dale know his way back home?

He'll run around until he finds
it. Shout me a drink, would you?

For I'm hunting the Northern fox.

Lorna looks so beautiful.

I'm misty eyed, Steve.

You know, I once thought
that me and Rachel would...

You're still hung up about that?

They're off in Cumbria together.

Moonlit walks, romantic pies.

Rachel's lost in this dramatic
fantasy of her and Dale.

What she doesn't realise is that
real romance requires a cool head,

weighing up the pros and cons.
There is a place for spreadsheets.

I fell for Connie the moment I saw her.

The first three months, idyllic.

And I woke up one morning, I saw
her face sleeping on the pillow

and I realised...

I hated her.

I walked out and then I
realised I loved her again.

I got some crumpets, came
back before she woke up.

We had a pleasant breakfast.

The point is, that is
a cycle of life, Ben.

True love passes through your
passage like a thunderbolt.

Love is just compatibility, Steve.
I don't believe in thunderbolts.

Erm, hi.

My father wishes to speak to Dale.
Does he live here? It's urgent.

Am I right in thinking that
Jack Sprackly drinks in here?

Apparently, he won your pool
competition about four years ago.

- We looked him up on Google.
- Big Jack,

why do you want to see Big Jack?

- Ken's Big Jack's
son. - Lorna... - Son?

Sorry, mate, you'll not
see Big Jack tonight.

- Yeah, why's that?
- He died.

Potted the black and keeled
over the same moment last year.

Ken, is it? Tell you what,
pop in tomorrow early doors,

I'll be happy to chat
about the old bastard.

Well, there we are,
Lorna, dead. That's that.

- Honestly, my bloody mother.
- Do you want to go back?

No, let's get pissed.

So,

you're a Triad?

My darling daughter, who is my
moon and joy, has persuaded me

her love for Dale has not changed
and I must allow their marriage.

Really?

So you're going to get Dale, marry
him and then take him back to China?

Ha! Fantastic news!

So, where is Dale?

Unfortunately, he's not here right now.

They've gone on holiday to Cumbria.
He'll be back in five days.

Five days?

Five days?

If you need to get to Cumbria,
it's not far. You can drive there.

You.

- You drive.
- Me?

It would be an honour, sir.

Have you...

killed anybody?

What's the ideal number of henchmen?

Do you possess a secret
bunker and, if so, where?

My father says this is his holiday,

he doesn't wish to talk about business.

Penultimate question, do you
like martial arts movies?

Master Of Flying Guillotine.

Now you're talking to me, baby.

Now YOU talking to ME, baby.

Boom!

We're almost there. We've made good time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brampton, Norfolk.

Brampton, Cumbria, Steve.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's the chorus, sing the
chorus, sing with a high voice.

♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪

What's that?

- Hey!
- Night.

Dylan's still trying to
turn it round with that girl.

Got to give him credit.

Hey, what's wrong with
you? You're usually chatty

with a pint inside you.

Oh, erm, OK...

Rachel, would you want
to go on a walk with me

to Hadrian's Wall?

It's a really famous wall,
it's a nice... nice wall.

Erm, yeah, that'd be cool.

That would be right up Dad's
street too. Probably give us a lift.

Maybe just the two of
us, just go on a walk.

- Just the two of us. - Yeah.
- Tomorrow. - OK, sure. - Copy.

So, Ling, what brings you to England?

When my dad found out about Dale,

he sent me to the countryside.

There was no internet,
no way of talking to Dale.

I have a dream that Dale and I
can move back to England together.

I could get a steady job
in a mid-level law firm.

- That's what I do.
- Really? You're so lucky.

- Yes, I really am.
- I dream of a quiet English life.

Drinking lager in your English
pubs, maybe the occasional trip to

London to see the latest
Ed Sheeran concert.

Ed Sheeran, shamefully underrated.

We'd have a little house in
the provinces, purpose built.

Period's prettier, but...

Pretty doesn't pay the heating bills.

Ben...

.. has anyone ever told you
you look like David Beckham?

No, no-one has ever said that to me.

Awesome.

How about a bit of radio?

♪ People fall in love in mysterious ways

♪ Maybe just the touch of a hand... ♪

I actually feel kind of relieved...

when Ling never replied
to any of my e-mails.

Dale, there's something I
should probably tell you.

No, there's actually something
I want to tell you too.

- Yeah, OK.
- OK.

Look, I pride myself
on my perceptiveness...

.. but all these months, it
seems I haven't been able to see

what's staring me right in the face.

Right.

It's you.

Even when you thought it was
weird us making out, you know,

- because I'm your dead
husband's son. - Shh.

No.

Oh, what's that?

It's nothing, it's absolutely nothing,

- it's Ben checking on the plants.
- He loves those plants. - Yeah.

- That's incredible, isn't it?
- Look at that.

Big Jack's son, eh?

- I do see the family resemblance.
- They're dead ringers.

- Yeah, well, well, well. There you go.
- Thanks very much.

No problem.

- You're still paying for
that, by the way. - Oh, yeah.

- And Jack owed me 40 quid when he died, so...
- Oh, I don't think...

Only joking you.

- So, what is it you want to know?
- Well, I mean, everything.

What did he do for a living?

Oh, in his youth, he
raced cars for a living.

And he were a drinker. A
brilliant but tortured man.

The lover of many beautiful women.

- OK... - But then, when he
stopped racing, I don't know,

it was like he lost the
whole direction of his life.

So he travelled the world.

Every adventure you can imagine.

Eventually he came back and
settled in his old home town,

drinking out his days
with his old school pals,

banging out tunes on the joanna.

I bet you do something exciting
in your life, don't you, eh?

It's in the genes, eh? Eh?

- I'm a solicitor on the high street.
- On paternity leave.

Right.

Still, I'm sure you've got some
good stories to say about your life.

I mean, Big Jack used to keep
this pub entertained for hours.

- Tell them some exciting stories
from your life. - Go on, go on.

Well...

I...

Erm...

That was another level.

Top lovemaking from you there, Rach.

Thank you.

Oh, your phone.

- Oh, no, Dale. - Oh, it's just
Ben. He says Ling is com...

"Ling is coming"? What is this?

"Ling is almost here"? What is this?

Oh, erm, yeah, Ben called,

but I must have forgotten
in the heat of passion.

What?!

How could you forget about
that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I've cheated on somebody who loves me.

This is not good! This is not good, Dale!

Dale, you haven't done anything wrong.

Why would she not sent
word that she's coming?

Like, how could she
just turn up like this?

OK, Dale, a couple of weeks
back there was, erm...

- a letter from China.
- A letter for me?

Mm-hm.

Wait, have you been hiding
this from me the whole time?

I wanted you to forget about
her. I love you, Dale.

You've done bad, Rachel.

- I don't know why you have to hit me, Lorna.
- Well, I can't sleep.

You sound like a hippo.

Dale's going away, Mum.

He's going back to China with Ling.

Oh, Rach.

Well, this is nice.

Sorry. When I feel awkward,

I just keep chatting my
head off and this is awkward.

What about some cake?
Would some tasty cakes

- stop anybody feeling weird? Mr
Zai, can I offer you...? - Xi.

Xi, it's Mr Xi.

Sorry, Mr Xi, would you
like some sticky bun?

My father is not hungry or thirsty.

Well, fair enough.

I'll take them.

Where is Dale?

My father wants Dale to know
he has decided to be merciful

and let him marry me.

Dale will fly to Shanghai
and he will join the family.

Mr Xi...

.. I truly am honoured...

.. but, I have to be honest...

.. I'm in love with Rachel.

I think I always was.

Hi.

- Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

But I actually like being a nanny better.

This is where I belong.

- It's OK.
- It is?

If you love Rachel, it is
right we are not together.

Well, great. Fantastic. Maybe we
could all go down to the pub...?

No!

No! My daughter not good enough for you?

We're here to find
husband, she have husband.

Erm, my father says you should reconsider

and do not embarrass him a second
time, Dale, because if so...

.. he must kill all new family members.

Apart from Steve Chance, who's ace.

Thank you. Sorry.

Just going to go...

You know what, on second thought, I think

I should probably go back
to China and marry Ling.

- Yeah. - I think it's a good
idea, Dale. - Good shout.

Good idea, it's a brilliant idea.

You should definitely go to... Hmm?

We take your car, Steve Chance.

Wait.

Take me with you. Train me as a Triad.

I want to help you expand your
business beyond the Yangtze,

up into the frozen north.

Or, failing that,

Litchfield is currently
without Triad representation.

That would suit equally. Please.

- My father says you are a merry
little fellow... - Thank you.

- .. but weak.
- Oh.

Take his gun. Take it in
memory of his friendship.

We shall always have Cumbria and Norfolk.

Thank you.

Who goes there?

- Whoa!
- What is going on?

Ling's dad's arrived and
he's insisting that Dale...

No, what are you doing
here? I need the house.

I sent a text.

For fuck's sake!

Chief Ken.

Lorna.

Dylan, I'm going to miss you.

Ha-ha! Got you back, you twat.

- Dylan.
- What? It's our thing.

I can't believe this is goodbye.

- I hope one day we'll meet
again in another life. - OK.

Maybe as eagles.

♪ You fucked it, friend

♪ It's on its head It struck the street

♪ You're in Milwaukee, off your feet

♪ And at once I knew I
was not magnificent... ♪

Rach, I'm so sorry.

Come on.

- Fancy coming to my room?
- OK.

Best come inside. You OK, love?

Just a bit short of breath.

I left my Ventolin at
home, so it's probably...

Oh, right. Well, come on, then.

No, Lorna, do you believe
in love at first sight?

Yes, obvs.

- I mean, like a thunderbolt?
Completely irrational? - Are you OK?

Your face has gone weird.

Lorna, I'm not Rachel's bestie,
I'm not anyone's bestie...

.. because I love Ling.

But Ling loves Dale.

No, we get on. Me and Ling get on.

- I think she prefers me.
- Really? - Really. - Seriously?

I'm telling you, she likes
me back. And I love Ling.

Everyone get in the car,
maybe we can still stop Dale.

I'm in the front, Lorna.

Come on!

♪ Fire in the disco... ♪

At this rate, we won't catch my Golf GTI.

- It eats roads like this for breakfast.
- Shut up, Steve.

Hold on.

How's this for a high-street solicitor?

- Nice one, Ken.
- I've hurt my knee.

Oh, Jesus!

- Can anyone see them?
- There he is! There!

Hold on.

Hold on!

Travelling in the car with Steve McQueen.

The actor, not the director.

Go, Ken. Stop!

Dale!

- Ken, do think you can get
a little closer? - Why?

Steve!

- Fucking hell, Steve!
- Dale's in there.

Not good enough for the Triads, eh?

What the fuck?!

♪ Danger, danger. ♪

Oh, my God, Steve.

- You idiot!
- He's got a gun!

You betrayed me, Steve Chance.

Go right, go right, go right.

Stop, she's hit her head.

- Ling!
- Out of the way, I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry, Mr Xi, she's dead.

No!

Ling, Ling, I've only just found you.

Move away from the body
and keep the area clear.

No!

♪ People fall in love in mysterious ways

♪ Maybe just a touch of your hand

♪ Well, me I fall in love with you... ♪

♪ Every single day... ♪

♪ And I just want to tell you I am... ♪

Ling!

♪ So, honey, now

♪ Take me into your
loving arms, darling. ♪

Let's maybe not sing now, OK?

- You're supposed to be a doctor, you
said she was dead. - She looked dead.

I must be getting rusty.

OK. You come to China.

Since I'm moving to Shanghai, I
guess I'll have to finish those

- Curtis mortgages remotely.
- Ben...

we're going to miss you, come here.

You go. Go in the law.

- Bye, Ben.
- Yeah, OK, bye.

Let's do this! I hardly know her,
but this is going to be great.

Bye, Ben, you'll be fine.

- Bye, bestie.
- Bye, buddy.

I really love that guy.

I hope he survives.

So you had your adventure.

Yeah, I think that'll do, actually, Lorna.

- We'll start small, Ken, protection...
- Shut up, Steve.

Now, where were we?

I'm Steve. Steve.

Know my name.

Steve! Steve.

- What's he doing?
- Idiot.

- Right, then, family, shall we
continue our holiday? - Yes. - Right.

- We could go for a nice long
walk this afternoon. - Oh, Dad!

♪ Well, I would like
to hold my little hand

♪ And we will run, we will crawl We will

♪ I would like to hold my little hand

♪ We will run, we will crawl

- ♪ Send me on my way
- On my way

- ♪ Send me on my way
- On my way

- ♪ Send me on my way
- On my way

- ♪ Send me on my way
- On my way

- ♪ Send me on my way
- On my way. ♪