Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Sid's Big Day - full transcript

It was supposed to be
a small thing, Lorna.

It's turning into V Festival.

Why did you have to invite so many people?

You agreed to a party, Ken.
Parties require people.

No. I agreed to a gathering.

Have it on a Sunday. Cut-off time, 5pm.

Leave the evening free to watch Coast.

Don't be such a grinch.

How often do you get to
have a baby naming day?

Well, as it's a completely
made up ceremony, I'd say...

well, whenever you want.



All right, Dale. You've been gone hours.

Yeah, just got a lot on my mind.

Worrying about Ling.

If she'll ever be in touch again.

I just... I started running.

Before I knew it, I was in a
place called Wolverhampton.

The jewel of the Midlands.

Oh, poor Dale!

Anyway, booze, got.

Snacks, got.

All we need now is to decide

who's going to conduct
the baby naming ceremony.

Oh, Chief Ken, Chief Ken, Chief Ken?

Something you want to say, Dale?



Please let me do this for Sid.

He is the best darn baby
uncle I have ever had

and I would cherish the
chance to repay him.

I don't know.

A lot is expected of the guy

who does ye olde atheist
baby naming ceremony.

Oh, what?

Zoe's coming to the party

and she's bringing her
new boyfriend from uni.

Ooh, bit awks.

Oh, she's playing mind games, the bitch.

Well, if that's what she wants,
then this player's going to play.

Oh, God.

Play, play, play.

Course you can do it, Dale.

Ha-ha! Yes!

I don't know what it is, but
I'm getting started right now!

I know that car horn.

Lorna...

could you tell me why my dad's 1976
Triumph Stag is on the driveway?

Ken, I might have forgotten to mention...

I sent an invite to your mum for Sunday.

Interesting,

because I did expressly ask you not to.

Ken, I didn't think she'd come.

Cooee!

Oh, Lorna!

Belinda.

- You look lovely.
- You, too.

Kenneth.

I see you drove Dad's car
all the way from Spain.

Well, not all the way.

I had to have a tow through the Pyrenees

after I blew the oil pump.

You did what?

I'm joking, Ken. Oh, God!

He's always been so easy to wind up.

And cars are made to be driven.

Not this one. It is a classic.

It belongs under a nonstatic tarp,

only to be viewed by a
select group of men,

who have equal reverence for its beauty.

Yes, well...

I asked Alan and...

he says he wants me to drive it.

Well, as long as Dad's
ghost thinks it's OK.

Thanks for asking him, by the way.

It always makes things so much clearer.

Right.

Now, where are my gorgeous grandchildren?

Cooee!

- Oh!
- Nan!

Oh, hello.

- Oh, you look amazing!
- You, too. Listen...

I meant to send you a card when you
got married to that American chap,

but, you know...

Also, I meant to send
you a consolation card

when he fell off that mountain,

but it slipped my mind.

Oh! Shouldn't have said slipped.

Well, the important thing
is you're here now, so...

Chief Ken? Is this the family matriarch?

Yes.

Mum, this is Dale. He's our... nanny.

Dale, this is my mother, Belinda.

Oh, Belinda.

Behold.

Your step great-grandson.

Oh, what lovely manners. Hello, Dale.

And this must be...

Oh, yes. The big guy.

Oh!

What a lovely fat baby!

Someone won't need a paternity test!

Well, if he's anything like
Ken, it'll all fall off aged two.

And come flooding back age 16.

What are you calling him?

Sid.

Oh, no. Bleurgh.

Sid isn't a name. It's a noise.

You should call him...

Horatio.

Oh, it's a perfect name for a fire sign!

Lorna, speak to me. Horatio, does it suit?

- Well, actually...
- We are calling him Sid.

Well, I shall call him Horatio.

You can insist on being perverse,

but there's no reason for
your mum to rise to it.

Horatio. Horatio.

Horatio...

There we go.

Nice strong brew for you, Belinda.

- Thanks.
- Kenneth?

Go on.

So...

Mum...

we should probably talk about the
car, while it's on my driveway.

You do remember Dad left it to me?

Your dad said a lot of
things towards the end.

Once he told me he
regretted ever meeting me,

and that our marriage was a sham!

Yeah, well... He did
bequeath it to me, so...

Oh! Out comes the fancy language.

Can I at least take it for a drive?

Absolutely not. Your driving?
You're far too emotional.

You get yourself all worked up.

You're behind the wheel,
Next thing you know...

Just so you know, this
happened once, in 1985.

.. your car's round a lamppost.

- It was 1985.
- Well, maybe not a lamppost,

- but you crashed it.
- It was 1985.

- You should have seen the state of
the bonnet, after he... - It was 1985.

IT WAS 1985!

Bequeath --

"to hand down or pass on".

It's a very common word.

In the 16th century.

We've had five wonderful
years without her.

Why couldn't she have just stayed
in Spain, like an ordinary mother?

Oh, Ken, she is nice.

I mean, I know she has
her funny ideas, but...

You know she still calls
those phone lines every day

to hear her horoscope from Spain.

Imagine growing up with
a person like that.

And then there was the...

- .. singing thing?
- Yes, that thing.

Look...

I don't mind Mum being a mentalist,

if she is not being mental all the time.

I mean, what was she thinking,
driving that car around?

Were you one of those kids

that kept their toys in their
boxes and never played with them?

It depreciates the value.

Give her a chance, love.

Are your eyes still open
and your arms folded?

No.

You know, you could at least
let me help you set things up.

Relax, Belinda! Everything is fine.
It's just so great to have you here.

Ken's so pleased to have you here.

Hm, I don't believe that.

I'm afraid Kenneth will always
be angry with the world.

There's nothing so sad
as a frustrated artist.

How is Dad a frustrated artist?

Oh, in his youth, your
father was a wonderful singer.

The voice of a little angel.

I used to take him round all
the local music festivals.

Ooh, the performances he gave.

Course, he gave it all up to spite me.

Please tell me there are videos.

Ken's Morning Has Broken...

it would make your spirit soar.

I would give anything to hear it again.

Dad!

Oh, Dad!

So how come you made it this time?

We haven't seen you for years, Belinda.

Well, obviously, to meet Horatio.

- Sid.
- Whichever.

The point stands, I came to see my family.

OK. You can see through me.

But you have to promise
not to give me away.

Absolutely.

I am ace at keeping secrets.

Well, the real reason is,

there's something I need to tell Kenneth.

Oh.

No. He should know first.

I need to find the right time. And soon.

Why? Is there a deadline?

Well, I suppose there
is the one big deadline.

And I'm closer to mine than most.

I'm talking about death, Lorna.

Yes.

Yes, I got that.

(You beauty.)

These tarot cards are
powerful mystic tools,

which will reveal secrets known

only to the gods.

Oh, spooky.

Oh, no.

Not tarot, now, as well.

- Dale, pay no heed to that nonsense.
- Ssh, Dad!

We're just getting started.
Go on, Nan. Turn a card over.

Very well.

I will turn the first card,

which is...

Death! Ha-ha-ha!

- What?
- Ken, it's not Death.

It's the Two of Cups.

Oh, sorry. My mistake.

What does Two of Cups mean?

We shall know more when the
next card comes, which is...

Death!

- Dad! - Oh, for God's
sake. It's not Death.

It's another two.

Snap!

Oh, Kenneth. I know you've
never believed in my third eye.

- Not in front of the children,
please, Mother. - Stop it.

Your scepticism is terribly hurtful.

I've helped many people.

Yeah, Dad. Give over.

Oh, sorry. Whoooo, spooky!

Go on, Nan.

So, Two of Cups, Two of Ones...

Dale, I see a girl.

And she is pining for you.

With a love that is pure and undying.

She has loved you for many months,

though there have been
obstacles in her path.

Yeah.

And she will prevail.

Yes! Wh.. where? Where is she?

She is...

.. to the East.

Could be Shanghai.

No, that... That doesn't
sound very likely, Dale.

I mean, what was that last card?

The Sun.

OK, yeah. I see how that's Easty --

but could it mean somewhere hot?

Well, it's an interpretation.

Shanghai is hot.

Or maybe it could mean that
she's fiery or tans easily?

Or has a sunny personality.

I mean, can we be certain
what this really means,

or if that girl even exists?

Nothing is certain with the tarot.

Nothing! All meaningless.

Ah, cool!

Well...

Dale, the ceremony's
tomorrow, shouldn't you be...

researching?

- Yeah, should probably do that.
- Yeah! Come on then.

Thanks, Nan. That was lovely.

Hello. Yes. Can I speak
to my consultant, please?

Well, I suppose another one will do.

Hello. Yes.

It's cancer.

No, go on.

Tell me what I need to know.

Oh, God, that soon?

Well, yes. I was wondering
about that moon in Aquarius.

- Hi,
- Mom! Hi.

You liking my props for tomorrow?

- Yeah. - This ceremony
is going to be so amazing,

Uncle Sid's going to poop himself.

Yeah, well, in all likelihood.

Sorry. You were chanting and, erm...

- and weaving. - That's all
right. Here, come check it out.

This is a tribal blanket I had to weave.

- Oh.
- Pretty cool.

Yeah, there's so many ceremonies
that name babies around the world,

and they are all so beautiful,

I figured, why not just
combine them all into one?

- Oh, right. Like a... like a mashup?
- Yeah, exactly.

Do you mind helping me run through it all?

Yeah, sure. What you want me to do?

- On the day, it's going
to be me and Sid. - Mm-hm.

So I figured I could be me

- and you could be Sid. - OK. - OK.

What?!

That's amazing!

The only thing is, he's
probably going to be on his back,

waving his arms in the air.

Let's imagine that bit.

All right. Let's do it.

Ken?

Will you do something... for me?

It depends what it is.

First, you have to swear
that you'll do that for me.

It's just a small thing.

All right.

I swear it.

Take your mother on a
drive tomorrow morning,

before the party.

Make peace with her.

Lorna, you traitor.

That is not a small thing.

Please.

Have some... alone time with her.

Do it for me.

You can take the... Stagmobile.

It's called a Stag.

Ken?

You won't have her forever.

'And then...'

I take the water from the coconut

and sprinkle it on Sid.

- Dale, stop it!
- What?

Dale, give me that!

- OK, OK.
- No, but this is serious.

Remember, if you mess this
up, I'll be without a name.

Right. OK, sorry.

- Serious.
- Yes.

Then, I, er...

take the kohl.

OK.

- Oh.
- And...

I line...

Sid's eyes.

And then your cheeks.

And then, I erm...

.. I feed you honey.

Oh, just...

Oh.

What next?

I take this corn on the cob and I...

rub it all over you.

- Well, I think you've got
it from here. - Yeah? - Yeah.

- OK.
- OK. Thank you.

Yes, very impressive, Mother.

We could, perhaps, slow down a little, eh?

Your father didn't like
driving fast. I always said,

"Trust the universe, Alan,

"and it will send no pedestrians".

And it rarely did.

You know, Lorna thinks I'm mean to you.

Oh, soak it up.

Your children never forgive you
for falling short of perfection.

Is that what you think?

As a mother, you fall short of perfection?

I had hoped this would
be a chance to chat,

have a nice time.

What do I need to do?

What will make this a pleasant time,

where we can talk like
a mother and her son?

There is something you could do, actually.

You little cracker.

Like a choir of throaty young beauties.

No time like the present,
Ken. Time to drive it.

Drive on.

Yes, I'm going to. Thank you, Mother.

And...

second gear.

And indicator, Kenneth.

Where's your indicator?

And...

third gear.

Mother, I am a driver
of 30 years' standing.

Don't throw one of your
ridiculous tantrums again --

and use your mirrors.
Your father always said,

"Kenneth is a stranger to mirrors.

"It's a wonder he knows
what he looks like".

Eyes on the road.

Can you please stop back-seat driving?

Keep calm. You cannot afford
to lose your temper like this.

So predictable. When I saw
your horoscope this morning,

I knew you'd be stubborn, stubborn...

I'm not going to let this rile me up.

I am not going to let you get to me.

I'm going to rise above it.

I am going to rise above it.

I am going to rise above it!

What the fuck? Back off!

Welcome to the multi-faith
blessing ceremony

for Uncle Sid Thompson.

Please come in. Take a flower lei.

What's going on?

Well, every religion in the world

has its own way of
welcoming a newborn child.

I am taking the most beautiful
blessings from each,

giving them to Sid, so
that every god loves him.

Sounds a bit foreign.

Zoe! Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.

All right, Dylan? How's
non-university life?

Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's great,

being a real man in the real world.

Did you get my text?

I brought my fit new boyfriend along.

I hope that's not too upsetting for you.

Max, right?

Put it there, fella.

You are very welcome, my friend.

Right, so... who do you guys know?

Erm...

Ah! Laura's over there.

She is looking hot. You know Laura?

I think you used to be best
friends with her, didn't you?

Yeah. And then you snogged her brother

and she chucked you off
the swimming team. Yeah.

Oh, you so don't want to do this.

Do what, Zoe?

Something awkward for you?

I'll see you around.

Yep.

Yep. See you around.

Three packs of sausage rolls I bought.

You ate them before the
guests even arrived.

Lorna, I've had a near-death experience.

My mother tried to kill me.

To be fair, you were driving.

She knew what she was doing.

Ken! You should make up with her.

You'd miss her if she was gone.

Yeah... like I'd miss a flushed turd.

- Oh, Ken! - Hey, Ken. - Oh, God.

I noticed you ran out of sausage rolls.

Not to worry. When I come to a party,

I bring my own supply...

of bhajis.

I have to say, Ken, I am
impressed at the talent.

Who is that?

That is my mother.

Oh!

The family resemblance is uncanny.

And, may I say...

.. hubba, hubba.

No, you may not.

Hubba, hubba.

Stop this.

Can't say much for the wine.

My palate craves a more...

mature vintage.

Bhaji, Mrs Thompson?

Are you a friend of Ken's?

- I'm Ken's best friend.
- Oh!

Steve Chance.

GP, but former GP.

Soon to be a dotcom billionaire.

Can I ask you a very forward question?

Depends what it is.

Was Ken a muscular child?

Belinda, can I just have a quick word?

- I was...
- Sorry, Steve.

You really need to tell
your news to Ken, Belinda.

It's not fair to keep him in the dark.

He's obviously furious with me.

I think that's why he sent
over that strange Steve man.

Maybe I won't say anything.

No, maybe I'll just slip away quietly.

Oh, you can't do that!

Well, I don't think I'll miss much.

A slow winding down,
some drawn-out goodbyes.

- Hey, Dylan.
- Hey, Zo. You cool?

You're really going to do this?

Pull Laura just to get me?

Zoe! What a thing to say!

You bet I am. And I'm
going to enjoy it, too.

You don't even fancy Laura!

Nah, I don't even like her as a person.

But, here's the thing, Zo.
See, you've got to understand.

You can't go playing mind games
with the mind games master, yeah?

So, what are we going to call this, then?

A check-a-mate.

Er, Laura...

Hi. Er...

we were just talking about...

someone other than you.

- Dick.
- Er, babe, I...

You are good.

God, you are good.

Ken?

Will you please make
peace with your mother?

She is talking about leaving.

Good. She can sod off back to
Spain and choke on a chorizo.

I wasn't meant to say this, but...

.. she's dying, Ken.

Dying?

What do you mean?

I mean...

she's dying.

That must have been what
she came to tell you.

But you were too pig-headed...

to let her in.

But...

but she looks so well!

She's so very brave, Ken.

Oh, Mum!

Dale?

Can I ask you something?

Sure, Chief Ken.

Greetings, everybody. Soon we will
begin the baby naming ceremony.

But, first, Chief Ken would
like to say a few words.

- Yes!
- Whoo!

Thanks. I, erm...

I hadn't planned to do this,
so bear with me. Erm...

I just wanted to say that...

sometimes you realise that...

our time is short.

And that the most important thing...

is to make those that we love happy.

This is for you.

♪ Morning has broken

♪ Like the first morning

♪ Blackbird has spoken

♪ Like the first bird... ♪

♪ Praise for the singing

♪ Praise for the morning

♪ Praise for the springing

♪ Fresh from the world. ♪

♪ Mine is the

♪ Sunlight

♪ Mine is the morning

♪ Born of the one light

♪ Eden saw play

♪ Praise with elation

♪ Praise every morning

♪ God's recreation

♪ Of the new

♪ Day! ♪

Thank you.

That's for you, Mum.

Bloody golden!

Mum, have you got the
e-mail for dad's office?

Terrible, Ken.

I'm just a friend saying that.

Well, if you knew anything about music,

you'd know it was
actually incredible, so...

Bellend.

You were wonderful!

Oh, you did that for me! Oh!

Do you feel that wind?

That's Alan.

It feels like a proud wind.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh!

- Oh!
- Aww!

- Hello, little Sid!
- Look at you!

Every culture celebrates
the arrival of a baby

in a different way.

The Chinese bless their children

with red thread, and, so...

I shall take this thread

and tie it in Uncle Sid's hair.

Aww!

I shut you out, Mum.

And that was wrong of me.

Oh, Ken.

- What's got into you?
- In Japan...

- the umbilical cord...
- I just want you to know that...

- .. is packaged...
- .. I will miss you.

.. inside a small, wooden box.

.. when you're gone.

- Oh, back to Spain? - As we are lacking
an umbilical cord... - No, I mean...

.. we will use a piece of spaghetti.

.. I mean when you die.

A bit morbid, Kenneth.

Come on.

I know.

Thank you.

Lorna told me about your announcement.

I know you're dying.

No, I'm not dying.

What?!

- Lorna! - Hindus perform
the ceremony Jatakarma...

- Come here! - .. to present
the baby honey at birth.

Mum's not dying!

She is.

Aren't you?

I think I would know.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, bollocks! The last hour is a void!

I only sang that, cos I
thought you were a goner.

Ken, she had big news.

I heard her talking to her consultant.

My horoscope consultant.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes. That does make sense.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all

by not being terminally ill.

Now for a quick costume change.

Oh, come on, Belinda.

No-one wants you to be TERMINALLY ill.

- You can speak for yourself.
- Anyway, I do have big news.

Ssh! Guys!

Dale's worked really hard at this!

Come on. Spit it out.

- Well...
- Come on, Belinda.

- In accordance with Jewish...
- Whatever it is, just tell us!

.. I shall perform the bris.

The thing I came to tell you was...

- Hey, Dad. You might want to see this.
- Not now, Dylan.

.. Alan was not your real father.

No, no, Dad, seriously.

I was already pregnant when I met Alan.

What?!

Oh!

What just happened?

Dale just circumcised Sid.

- What?!
- Mazeltov!

Bloody hell!

Do you think Uncle Sid will forgive me?

Of course he will!

I mean...

some ladies prefer it, Dale.

- Don't they, Rach?
- Mm-hm.

And the important thing is...

.. did you enjoy your ceremony, Dale?

Did it...

take your mind off things?

It really did.

I just... I've been so in my head

about Ling and China.

It's nice to remember
who my real family are.

Oh!

Nothing.

- Just going for a jog.
- Oh.

- You OK?
- Yeah! Totally fine!

- OK.
- OK.

Oh, yeah.

♪ I got plenty left

♪ Stored up in my chest

♪ I'll top you up

♪ With the taste that I've now forgot

♪ You made a fool of me

♪ Lover

♪ You made a fool of me

♪ How funny

♪ I've been told

♪ I am cold

♪ And known to sting

♪ Forgive me, I have sinned. ♪