Crisis in Six Scenes (2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

Allen, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Geez, I've been waiting for you.

I'm so sorry, guys.

Oh, I'm so glad you weren't killed.

And it's not your
fault the bomb went off.

It was your first bomb.

Yes, Kay, there's clients
waiting for you here.

You took forever at the hospital.

They're, they're, they're piling up.

Oh, you're back.



We've settled everything.
We're getting a divorce.

Oh, can you just give me a moment?

We've decided to have
one last session with you,

and if we can't resolve it, it's over.

- Yes.
- Well, um, um...

Could we just go into the
office and talk about this?

Oh, there you are.

We had a 10:00 appointment, remember?

You said you'd fit us in.

- It's an emergency.
- So sorry.

- Lorna left me.
- Oh, no.

Yeah, she, she walked out, left a note

and, and I'm so upset!

Well, we're gonna break up too



unless there's a major change.

But my wife already did.
I'm gonna kill myself.

That's, come on, it's a lot of pain now

but you don't kill yourself.

No, if she's gone for
good, I'm gonna kill myself.

She wants to be a professional hooker.

She wants to be a hooker?

Wow, I wish I was so lucky.

Oh, thank you very much.

Let's have a group session, come on.

Have you guys met?

No, not at all.

Oh, my gosh.

We came as soon as
we heard. How are you?

Okay, you were probably right
behind my wife in the car.

- Oh, goodness.
- I'm so sorry.

Hi, Mom, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Your mother and I were worried sick.

He's fine. Kay? Come on out here.

There's not a scratch on the kid.

You call this fine?

Well, you know he's, he's not dead.

Well, how did it happen?

It's obvious, a... a gas leak.

In his bedroom?

No, no, in the garage.

We have methane and we're
built on a swamp here, so...

And the house explodes?

No, no, the house occasionally explodes.

This time it was the garage.

You get used to it if you're...

We haven't seen you in so long.

- So sorry.
- We were hoping

we'd find you under
better circumstances.

Oh, no, he's okay.

We're so grateful that
you introduced them.

Can we get back to our problems?

He's called the lawyer now.

Wait, Lorna got a lawyer too.

Hey, Bernstein, that shyster!

- He's always on TV. No...
- Listen, it's my fault.

It's my fault you pay your
wife for sex, my fault.

- Now, now...
- You pay your wife for sex?

Listen, I'm gonna take poison.

- No, you're not.
- Yes!

Let's go in and talk this through.

We can work this out.
We can work it out.

Mom, Dad, I'm gonna be
perfectly honest with you.

It wasn't gas, it was a bomb.

- What was a bomb?
- It was a bomb.

I was trying to make a
bomb. I screwed it up.

- You were building a bomb?
- Yes.

Why? I think I missed a beat here.

I was making a bomb
and it, I don't know,

the gunpowder, it went off.

- Why were you making a bomb?
- To blow up something.

What?

The statue of Andrew
Jackson by the armory.

Why?

Well, what do you have
against Andrew Jackson?

He was a slave owner.

This was 150 years ago
when everybody had slaves.

George Washington had slaves then.

The guy was a military man,

and this was meant to be
a protest against the war,

against Vietnam, against all wars.

Since when are you a pacifist?

There are no slaves anymore.

No?

I think what Allen is implying

is that there are wage slaves.

Meaning what?

Meaning that your firm, it
pays its employees the minimum,

just enough to get by and
remain a permanent underclass.

Are you accusing me of exploitation?

Are you ever coming in here?

My wife is walking up and
down Eighth Avenue in shorts!

I asked you a question.

Do you think I exploit my workers?

If the shoe fits, wear it.

You know, I say that with love.

Oh, she says that,
if the shoe fits wear,

it's her expression.

Who? Not Ellie, not your fiancée.

And where is she by the way?

We want to meet her.

I'm not so sure Ellie is
going to be my fiancée.

What are you talking about?

We put a deposit on the hall.

We hired an orchestra, caterers,
we sent out invitations.

Don't take this
personally, but we really do

take advantage of our workers
but we don't, we don't know it

because we live a
capitalistic existence.

I earned every dime.

I started poor.

I worked from 14 on.

Okay, okay, let's not hear about

how you were delivering heavy
packages down on Wall Street

and some broker gave
you a hot stock tip.

Can I help it if it's true?

"Buy California Fiber" she
whispered to an associate.

I was within earshot, I borrowed $300.

You stole $500.

Borrowed, stole, everyone got paid back!

You always idolized military might.

I fought at Guadalcanal.

I'm proud to say I've
got a Purple Heart.

You know that reminds me.

My blood work comes back today.

Yeah, you got a Purple
Heart for being wounded

while you were trying
to kill other young men.

Young men with a different
color skin than yours.

With yellow skin, and you
called them Japs and Nips

and meanwhile, we're
dropping an atomic bomb

on their country while
innocent Japanese-Americans

here at home are being thrown
into concentration camps

and their land is being
confiscated and stolen.

If I had my life to live over,

I would live a more committed life.

I would have a more, a
more passionate existence.

It's not passionate enough?

The passion's gone out
of our marriage too.

But not for me.

Listen, I love Lorna.

I even get along with
her pimp. Okay? So I...

Now has the passion
gone out of our marriage?

At least I don't charge you to screw me.

Get them out of here.

Meanwhile you were nearly killed!

Well, you know, there's no statute of

limitations on injustice.

Listen, I love Lorna.

No, no, I need help now.

I'm suicidal. Why does no one care?

- I do care.
- No, you don't care.

Look, I do care. I care very much.

Let's go in, we'll have our session,

and we'll talk about it okay?

- We had an appointment.
- I'm waiting for you here.

- I'm waiting for you here.
- We're the ones who had an appointment.

I'm going to go in with you,
and then we'll have a session.

Just a second.

- Oh, my God.
- Hi.

Let me reschedule you. Hello.

I didn't expect you. Is this Thursday?

- Hi, it is.
- I don't even know my own name.

Come on in.

In we go.

This is the Brachmanns.

Brachmanns, this is
my, my, my book club.

How do you do?

Oh, we, we, we finished
the book about Karl Marx

and we also finished the little pamphlet

about guerrilla warfare.

And Lucy has become an
expert on hand-to-hand combat.

And I learned how to take apart

and reassemble an AK-47 blindfolded!

- She did!
- Yeah, isn't that wonderful?

My, my husband was so impressed.

We found a guy who smuggles
them in from Russia.

I read all about how to kill
a person with an ice pick

without leaving a mark!

- What is that vein, Rose?
- Jugular.

Right, you stick the
ice pick in the jugular.

Well, what kind of book club is this?

Cultural.

Chairman Mao says... an unarmed person

is like a sheep in a forest of wolves.

Chairman Mao, you're quoting Mao?

You know, Mao, he also said that

the laws of a nation are
written in the street.

Karl Marx's biography was exhilarating.

I love what he said
about the United States.

"We're gonna spend
ourselves into destruction."

You know that was actually Lenin.

Oh, I always confuse the two.

Which, which one had
the beard, Marx or Lenin?

- Both!
- Both.

And the little beard.

Let's go into the dining
room, into the dining room,

and then we'll have
our meeting in there.

- Okay.
- Nice to meet you, very nice.

- Hello.
- Oh, Ellie.

Hi. Oh, these are my parents.

Oh, Judy, yes, Judy. You must be Lou.

- I'm Lou. Yes.
- Oh, good.

Allen, look who's here!

- Oh, my goodness, how are you?
- Oh my God!

- What happened to you?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Look, they took me to the...
- Nice to finally meet you.

Ellie, Ellie, Ellie,
these are my parents.

- Hello, hi, hi, I'm Ellie.
- Yes, yes.

Oh, she's as beautiful
as you said she was.

- That's very sweet of you.
- Hi, I'm Allen's mother.

This is his dad. You can call me Mom.

And me Dad.

We, we heard about the gas leak.

No, no, there was no gas leak.

It was a bomb.

- A bomb?
- What?

Who bombed you?

One of those crazy underground
radical idiots, right?

No, he's joking.

Can I offer anyone an aperitif?

- I'm your host. How are you?
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- Hello, nice to meet you.

This is a fun group, I hope.

Yes, yes.

Kay?

Kay!

I could use a scotch.

And, oh, and who are you?

My wife left me.

We got into a major fight

because I wouldn't pay her
enough to go to bed with me

and now she's on the
West Side stopping cars.

I'm, I need help now!

- Yes.
- I, yeah.

- This is my patient.
- No, I'm not your patient.

I'm a client and I'm not your patient.

Are you never coming back in?

The more we wait, the more we disagree.

Let's get this over with.

I hope you all brought
some paper and pens

'cause Rose is teaching
us how to forge passports.

Why do you need to learn
how to forge passports?

What on earth for?

Are you the girl's mother?

I am. How do you do? Judy. And you are?

Rita Needleman.

But you can call me by my
new name, Rita Mohammed.

Girls, come on in, girls!

Girls, come and meet all these people.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hello.

I don't think my passport
came out very well.

All right, look, everybody,
look, once and for all,

there was never a gas leak.

I was making a bomb and
it blew up in my face.

I'm sorry, did you just
say you were making a bomb?

Yes, I was making a bomb.

I was making a bomb to
strike a blow for civil rights

and make an anti-war
statement in one gesture.

Eve, our son is having
a mental breakdown.

I saw it coming on.

I think we need to reassess.

Excuse me.

You were making a bomb?

Is this, uh, some sort of club?

The first thing to do in
setting up a new government

is to take control of the press

and the radio and TV stations.

- Absolutely.
- That's right.

Naturally, for a short period of time

temporarily there will be
suspension of civil liberties.

Actually, I, um, uh,

I, I have an announcement to make too.

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- What?

I don't understand. You're pregnant?

I'm pregnant.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

- How did that happen?
- The usual way.

I mean I hope the bomb
didn't affect your memory.

You're pregnant.

Chairman Mao say... death's certain,

life unpredictable.

He got that from Charlie Chan.

Congratulations, Allen.

Thank you, it's, but, wait, I mean...

No it's okay. It's, it's okay.

If, if you want to go to Cuba and work

for Fidel's revolution
I'll come with you.

We can raise the baby there.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What are you talking about?

You would raise our
grandson as a communist?

These are all just labels, aren't they?

I mean we are all just human beings.

I don't believe in abortion.

Who said anything about abortion?

My grandson will never be a commie.

Well, we all know how you
feel. Better dead than red.

Don't you think this
calls for champagne?

God, you're pregnant.

I think some champagne would be nice.

Yeah!

I'm expecting the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

I'll be right back.

- Who are you?
- Where's Lenny?

What?

Wait a minute, what, who are you guys?

Lenny said to meet her here.

We have something for her.

Wait, what have you got for her?

She needs this to get to Cuba.

The money for the pilot.

And some letters she
needs to give to Fidel.

Fidel?

My God, did anyone see you come here?

Why is everybody going to Cuba?

Don't they know it's forbidden?

Man, the police been
following us for days now.

I think we finally lost them.

The police have been following them.

Did you hear this guy?

The police have been
following them, they...

Is something illegal going on here?

That's a very good question you ask.

Oh, look, girls!

Are, are you Black Panthers?

Girls, real Black Panthers!

We are with the Constitutional
Liberation Party.

How exciting.

Which one of you is Abbie Hoffman?

Abbie Hoffman is white.

Are there White Panthers?

In India, Rose Epstein
saw a white tiger.

No, I think you're thinking
of the Detroit Tigers.

Man, what did we get into here?

Where's Lenny?

These people commit criminal acts.

No, these people are freedom fighters.

Right.

You know, Chairman Mao said
that one man's criminal

is another man's freedom fighter.

- That's right.
- Thank you.

Wait, wait, you know what?

I'd like to get you
all something to eat.

All right, everybody,
stay calm all right?

We don't need no fireworks.

No, we should, we should
appear like a normal group.

I don't understand, Ellie.

How can you be serious
about living in Cuba?

Because I love you, and you're gonna

be the father of our child.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

And you said that Havana was romantic.

That there are palm trees and beaches

and anything is possible
if you're in love.

Unless you're in love with someone else.

He's not. He's not in love with me.

He wouldn't last a weekend in Cuba.

He's just in love with what I symbolize.

His inner radical has come
out, which is a step up.

I'm sorry, Allen.

She's that woman on TV.

Oh, my God, that's the escaped fugitive!

For God's sake, Sid, answer the door.

Oh, yes, that's right,
could be the Marx brothers.

We're from the gas company.

We understand there
was a gas leak reported.

No, no, that was a while ago.

It's okay.

- Who are you two?
- Gas company.

How do we know you're
not undercover agents?

For who?

The FBI.

We're here to check a gas leak.

Who are you?

They're members of the Detroit Tigers.

Really? Baseball players.

The gas is, the, the,
the basement's over there.

I need to get to this
spot just right up here.

The roads are not safe.

She's gonna have to get out

in the trunk of somebody's car.

Somebody's gotta drive her.

- You two guys can take her.
- Are you kidding?

We'll be stopped and searched
by every trooper on the highway.

- I'll drive her.
- No, you will not.

You will not!

No one in this house is going to help

a wanted criminal escape.

- Are you crazy?
- No, look, I said I'm gonna take her.

- I'm gonna take her.
- I said no.

Let's go.

If you don't get there on time,
he'll get nervous and leave.

I'll drive you!

You can't, Helen. With your eyesight

and sense of direction,
you'll wind up in Brooklyn.

But she's a sister revolutionary.

Listen, if you miss this plane we can't

set up an escape for another month.

You could wind up stuck
here God knows how long.

I'll take her.

No, yes, I'm gonna take you.

Are you crazy? You'll drive her?

She's not gonna be here another month

because she eats my sturgeon,
she eats my navel oranges.

She's out, I want her out.

Hey, you don't have a gas
line that extends out...

Hey, aren't you the...

You're that escaped criminal
the FBI's looking for.

Okay, you two, up against that wall.

Go up against the wall. You'll be fine.

Just stay against the wall.

Let's go, Lenny. Time's running out.

- Wish me luck.
- Don't want to miss your plane.

I know what you're
thinking. You're thinking

you were never prouder
of me in this moment.

Hand signal, please.
You're a terrible driver.

She's right, she's right.

Okay, get into the trunk.

- What?
- Get into the trunk.

You want me to get in the trunk?

Yeah, unless you want me
to put you under the hood.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Get into the trunk.

Try and get comfortable.

It's a little tight in
there, but you'll make it.

Oh, God.

I need help now, I need help.

Would you have really
gone to Cuba with me?

I said I loved you.

And you do know that,
even after we're married

I still plan to be
very active in helping

our country reach its full potential?

That's fine, but no
more explosions okay?

No, no, no.

Now that I'm going to be a father.

And we can move to San Diego.

Yeah, sure, you know.

As good a place as any.

And you won't get too radical.

Only in bed.

Come here.

- Sorry.
- No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You know how fast you were going?

Let me guess. Too fast, right?

What, are you a wise guy?

Let me see your license.

Jesus.

You're not gonna believe this.

Office, this has never
happened to me before.

I left it on the table in my foyer.

I've never once been
out without my license.

Okay, okay, can I see your registration?

It's, it's not in there.

Okay, step out of the car
please and open your trunk.

The trunk?

The, the, the trunk of my car?

Yeah, where you heading so fast, huh?

I, I, I'm, I gotta catch a plane.

Yeah, well, there's no
airports around here.

Yeah, I was gonna take
a private to the airport.

Well, you know, shouldn't
be driving without a license.

I know, I know.

I've never done that before.

Have I seen you somewhere, huh?

Me?

I don't think so.

You look familiar to me.

Maybe you know me from
my... maybe you read my book.

You know me from my book jacket.

Yeah, who are you?

S. J. Muntzinger.

You're S. J. Muntzinger?

Yeah.

The S. J. Muntzinger?

Yeah, you know my books?

My God, you're, you're,
you're, you're, you're a genius!

Well, you know I, I try.

What are you doing out here?

I thought you, I thought
you lived in Manhattan.

No, no, I'm up here in this area.

Ah, I gotta tell you I loved your book

and my kids did too.

They're the ones who
actually turned me onto it.

It's great!

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

A real genius.

Although I have to say, I
thought you'd be much younger.

Well, I, you know, nothing
I can do about that.

I, it's my haircut probably.

Yeah, so this is what
you look like, huh?

Yeah, for better or worse.

Yeah, well, let me ask you a question.

I mean, where do you come up with

a character like Holden Caulfield?

Where does that come from?

What?

And where do the ducks in

Central Park go during the winter?

Where do they go, to the Hamptons?

I gotta tell you, man, it was
a real pleasure to meet you.

You know, I haven't
read a book like yours

and enjoyed it in a long
time and I'm not a big reader.

You know what I mean?

But it's just, the
way you used the words

and then did jokes,
it was just so funny.

Look at that, S. J.
Muntzinger right here huh?

Yes, in person.

Is that you're supposed to be

some sort of a weirdo recluse, huh?

Well, I, you know I
get out now and then to

you know shop for groceries
and, you know, my colonoscopy.

Oh, yeah? I had one of those once.

You know my throat was killing me

and the doctor took it right out.

Hey, look, I'm not
gonna give you a ticket.

Your book gave me so
much pleasure, but, uh...

would you mind giving me an autograph?

Oh, sure, but, yeah, come over here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, just step...

As a matter of fact,

if you like, what I'll do,
I'll personalize it for you.

Okay yeah, yeah, Trooper Mike.

Trooper Mike.

My good friend.

My good friend.

Who's not giving me a ticket even though

I was driving like a lunatic.

Okay, I can't do it all, Mike.

I'll just say "My good
friend trooper Mike.

"God bless you", and...
"S. J. Muntzinger."

Wow, what a pleasure. I
really, I appreciate it.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, thank you.
- I mean, what a thrill.

Thank you, you too, God bless you, Mike.

What a day.

What an experience.

And we were out of little frankfurters.

Do you think she made it?

Oh, I think we would have heard

if anything happened.

Hopefully she's in Cuba now.

Well, you're not gonna
say you, you miss her?

I, I never liked her.

You know,"beware of fanatics

"no matter how just their cause seems."

Oh, who said that?

That was Chairman Sidney Muntzinger.

Back to real life.

You can go to work on your sitcom now.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you think that it's in me to write

a novel as good as "The
Catcher in the Rye"?

Why do you ask that?

I was just thinking maybe I should dump

this whole idiotic
television series thing

and, you know, give one last
shot to writing the book.

I, I, I...

Hey, I'm not getting any younger.

Well, why not?

You're amusing, and I always said

you could be another Salinger.