Crisis in Six Scenes (2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Our problems are sexual.
Let me tell it, Moe.
So tell it, but you only
give your point of view.
Last year, our sex life came to a halt.
It was never great.
Do not interrupt me, Moe.
It went from three times
a week, to twice, to once,
and then, bingo, he stops trying.
So since he's a man
with a normal sex drive...
A strong sex drive.
No more than normal.
I got a little suspicious.
And then I notice his credit card bills.
- She snooped.
- Mm!
You damn right I snooped.
So I see this credit card bill
with escort services, right?
Massage parlors. So I confronted him.
- And I admitted it.
- Mm-hmm.
Those encounters excited me,
and to get into bed with
my wife no longer did.
Did you ever hear of such a thing?
Go on.
So we came to you.
You listened to us, and you said,
"Why don't you just pay your wife?"
I should charge him, he should pay me,
and the same dynamic will exist.
Well, it seemed like a very good idea.
He needs to think of you as a whore,
so why not charge him?
- Yes, and it worked.
- Yeah.
Paying her was exciting,
and it felt like being with a hooker.
Mm, mm, which he finds naughty.
And exciting.
Sometimes a creative solution...
She started charging too much.
I am not a low-class bimbo, okay?
If I was a professional,
I would be a high-class call girl.
I'm not paying my wife $700 a pop.
- Christ, Lorna...
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, for 700 bucks,
I could get a fantastic
professional whore.
Great, well, I'm not
doing it for 200 anymore.
Why not? It's fun money.
I could get at least
500 on the open market.
This is safer, and you can work at home.
Who cares?
I really think we can work this out.
You know, it's really...
it's all in the family,
and you could give him
maybe a little discount.
I mean, he does use you regularly.
Meanwhile, police have apprehended
the other man who
escaped in San Francisco.
He is Alvin Broadnax,
wanted in the bombing
of the Seattle draft board
and the shooting of the state trooper.
Broadnax had been traced to New Jersey,
where he was picked up in...
Oh, Jesus, Kay, the noose is tightening.
- Well?
- God.
Chairman Mao says that
a calm heart stills all panic.
Screw Chairman Mao.
You... you and I will be in prison.
Chairman Mao will be in his
palace eating spare ribs.
Let me tell you something.
If I wind up in prison,
I am never gonna take a shower.
I can promise you one thing,
that she will not be here long.
Yeah, meanwhile, her
accomplice was captured.
You know, thank God the guy
doesn't know where she is.
Um, he... he does.
What do you mean, he does?
How do you know he does?
They've... they've been in contact.
Well, that's it. I'm...
You know, I'm leaving for Cuba tonight.
Oh, that's interesting
because so is she.
Not tonight, but she is
planning to go to Cuba.
You know, she's delusional.
She's gonna be caught,
and then you know what happens?
Then she implicates us.
Oh, Lenny?
Lenny will never talk.
She'll never talk? Can I say...
Can I say two words... two words to you?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Sodium Pentothal.
They give her an injection.
Next thing you know, FBI's at our door
with his-and-her handcuffs.
You know, she's given us some
very interesting things to read.
Like what?
Well, like things
that opened my eyes to various things
that my eyes had been closed to.
Well, to what? What are
we talking about here?
Well, like the fact that
we go to cocktail parties,
and we talk the talk, but
we never walk the walk.
Yeah, well, I don't
want to walk the walk
or shoot the shooter, bomb the bomb.
Okay, so you're going
straight to Manhattan, right?
Right, right, right,
and I think I have...
I'm sure I have all your
instructions just right.
Don't worry about a thing.
I can't thank you enough for doing this.
Well, life is complicated.
Life is complicated.
I've already... you know.
It's so dangerous for you and Sid,
me staying here, and now
you're doing this for me.
No, no, there are black issues,
as Chairman Mao says...
there are white issues,
there are gray issues,
and this is all of those issues.
Have you said anything
to your husband yet?
No, he's going to go
to his cardiologist,
and I don't want his heart
to stop before he gets there.
Don't worry about it,
really. It's going to be okay.
- Thank you.
- It's gonna be great.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're absolutely fine.
Your heart's good.
You may have a little indigestion,
but that's all.
And what about my lung?
Well, the X-ray report
I got is negative,
so you see, you're really in good shape.
I get the blood test back in a few days.
Are you anticipating something?
No.
Your last blood test was normal.
Yes, but that was... that was when?
Two weeks ago, at your
allergist's office.
You know, I don't
want to be an alarmist,
but I notice in my right
thumb... not a pain.
It's not a pain, but
I have an awareness,
an awareness in my right
thumb, and when I move
the right thumb, what
happens is, I will experience
a kind of disorientation,
a dizzy feeling,
and... and maybe some
slight loss of appetite.
I can't afford not to eat
because I can't lose weight,
because I need the weight to
protect me against disease.
What disease is that?
Is there a possibility
that I could have malaria?
I'll call you when
the blood work gets in.
If you become aware
of your thumb, honey,
we'll go straight to the ER, really.
So what are you saying?
You're not gonna give
me anything for my thumb?
We should all be so healthy.
And as for that ringing sound
that you keep hearing in your kneecap...
Yes.
It's nothing,
but I'm going to keep my eye on it.
See, I was right.
It was chapped lips.
It wasn't the flesh-eating virus.
Yes, but chapped lips, uh,
untreated, can be fatal,
so... so now come on,
let's go have lunch.
- What time is it?
- It's 1:00.
- It's 1:00?
- Yeah, you know,
you've asked me that six times today.
I don't understand. Let's go have lunch.
We'll relax. We'll
get a nice French meal.
We'll... we'll go to a nice restaurant.
We can get some wine.
We can get some
delicious food, you know?
We don't have to worry
about going home early today
and that crazy crackpot
who invaded the house.
We don't have to think about her.
Darling, that sounds
just great, but first,
I'd just like to rundown
to Brooklyn, okay?
Where?
Brooklyn, I want to go to 119...
- Brooklyn?
- Veronica Street.
Is that okay? Just take a second.
Well, what are we gonna do in Brooklyn?
I just have a little errand
to do. Really, it's nothing.
What do you mean, an
errand? What kind of errand?
I just have to pick something
up for a friend, okay?
- Is that all right?
- In Brooklyn?
It will take a minute, yes, okay?
Can you go after lunch?
- I have to do it by 2:00.
- You must do it?
I must do it by 2:00, darling.
What are you doing down
here, buying heroin?
Oh, very funny.
I mean, this is... this is crazy.
Where are we? This is so desolate.
So, wait, at 2:00...
What's at 2:00?
A man will come and give us a briefcase.
We're... you're buying a new briefcase?
Uh, not... no, not exactly.
Well, what? I mean, you're so cryptic.
I mean, you drag me down here...
Doing... doing something for Lenny.
Ah, now it becomes clear, for Lenny.
Yeah, but we're doing
something for Lenny
so she can leave tomorrow.
Oh, that's fine, if
she's leaving tomorrow,
then anything you have to do is great.
But it's nothing dangerous, right?
I mean...
Has nothing to do with guns or...
No, she has a gun.
Yeah, I know she...
I remember she's got a gun.
Look, in for a penny, in for a pound.
I want my penny back.
Well, it's too late now.
Then keep it at a penny, you know?
The pound is up to $1. 80.
I don't want to be in for $1. 80.
That's the Volkswagen; that must be him.
Oh, Jesus...
Uh, hi, Lenny said
you had something for her to give to us.
Okay, okay, I just wanted to
make sure y'all was good people.
Briefcase, a briefcase.
Yeah, it's right here.
I told you it'd be a snap.
Yeah well, snap faster. This is treason.
Hold it.
- Ow!
- I just want you to know
that we're proud of what
you're doing for America.
Thank you. Now, listen,
you need to give that to...
make sure you give that to...
Oh, shit, they followed me.
Run, run!
Oh, God!
Well...
- I... I...
- Police found you.
In here, go in here.
Come in here.
Uh, Sid, this way.
Where are you going?
My heart, my heart.
Your heart is fine;
you just had a checkup.
Yeah, but the blood work's not back.
Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
We're trapped. We're trapped up here.
We can jump.
Throw the briefcase over to me.
What?
Throw the... throw the briefcase, Sid.
Good throw, now jump.
Jump?
I never jump any place
where there's gravity.
Jump!
Be careful, Kay, this thing is wobbling.
I know.
You be careful.
Hold on to that briefcase, okay?
- Steady.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, let me down here.
Okay, this way.
Ooh. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God, pick up the money.
Okay, no. What? Are you nuts?
It's a fortune.
Yes, but it's Cuban.
What's the difference?
It's a clue. Pick up the money.
She's right. It's a clue.
Well, I don't understand.
Why do you want to postpone the wedding?
Out of fairness to you.
Well, what does that mean?
I'm having second thoughts
about my life, about my job.
Well, your life is finance,
that's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, it's just... I'm
not so sure that I want
to spend my life using
money to make more money.
What? Do you have a problem with money?
No, not if it's used properly.
Meaning?
Meaning that... if it's used fairly,
if, you know, the
masses aren't exploited.
Well, you sound like Karl Marx.
Well, that's one of the
people I've been reading.
Well, surely you're not a communist.
No, I don't know what I am.
I know that I'm for human decency.
Well, suddenly you
have political ideas...
and radical ones. What happened to you?
I'm just saying, I've grown skeptical
of passive resistance.
So what are you suggesting?
The violent overthrow
of the United States Government?
No, no, I'm not. I'm suggesting change.
I'm for change; I'm for, you know,
not minuscule change
but meaningful change.
You mean radical change?
By any means necessary.
This is a you that I don't recognize.
Well, my personality's evolving.
Well, I think that this
may all be a way of you
telling me that you
don't want to marry me.
That's what I think.
Jesus, Kay, this has been
the worst day of my life,
and, you know, it's still early.
Here.
Come on, you can put some money in too.
- Let's not quibble.
- Okay, okay.
Here, take this. Okay.
Now, I think we did it.
I think we made it. I think we're safe.
- All right.
- I don't think anyone's coming.
Let's just close this thing.
God, we got hot merchandise here.
- You know, this is...
- What?
Is that a police car?
- No.
- Don't scare me.
You know I got an ulcer
the size of the Holland Tunnel.
You don't have an ulcer.
Don't tell me I don't have an ulcer.
Maybe they can't find
it, but I have an ulcer.
Okay, I think we're clear.
Where are we going?
We're going... going to hand this off.
To who?
To a man, that's all I know, to a man.
Jesus, Kay, God's gonna
punish us for this.
Oh, for God's sake.
God's not gonna punish
you; you're an atheist.
Yes, but if I'm wrong,
we're in big trouble.
You see that phone booth?
At 3:00, you will enter that
phone booth and make a call.
To who?
It doesn't matter.
You're not going to make a real call.
You're going to pretend
to talk, pretend to dial,
and then mime hanging up.
And what is the point?
You're going to leave this briefcase
in that phone booth.
Uh-huh.
And then a man is going
to come and make a call.
A... a real call, or will he mime it?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, he's going
to leave with the briefcase.
Well, I can't wait till that moment,
when this briefcase is gone,
'cause this has been
nothing but trouble.
Well, we're doing this so
that she can leave tomorrow.
Yes, and the minute she goes,
I give a major donation
to the Red Cross.
Well, she'll be gone.
But you've got to admit,
it's been exciting.
I don't know how you could volunteer
for something like this.
Well, you know, we just
drag around in this,
our everyday marriage,
and I just thought,
you know, this is something
so different and...
Yeah, 'cause, you know,
she gives you these books,
and it fills your head
full of... you know?
I'm glad she didn't give you Mein Kampf.
And then you give them
to your silly book club,
and then these ladies get crazy.
You're in pretty good shape.
When you ran up those stairs
and you went leaping over those roofs?
Yeah, it's amazing what
the human body can do
when it's being chased by a policeman.
It's 3:00, go.
You know, you volunteered for the thing,
and all the dirty work, I have to do.
'Cause I'm the lookout.
I have better ears and better eyes,
and... and I'm sharper.
Yes, you should put me in a home.
Be right back.
Okay, now what?
Now we wait until the
man comes to pick it up.
Then we split.
Yes, but, uh, that's not a man,
or he's in drag.
I'm pretty sure she said a man.
Well, that's not a man. That's a woman.
It is a woman, isn't it?
Yes, it's a woman, and she's...
and she's picking it up.
Well, let's...
Maybe the plan has been changed.
Can you go back and just
very subtly try to find out
whether that's the person
who's supposed to pick it up?
How am I going to find out?
What are you talking about?
Maybe just take the briefcase back.
How am I gonna get it back?
Just say that you left
it there by mistake.
It's a mistake, and it's your package,
and you want it back. Come on.
Jesus, you sit here with
these brilliant notions,
and I carry them out.
- Uh, excuse me, miss?
- Yeah?
I left my... that's mine.
I left it in there.
How do I know that?
Well, I'm telling you,
I left my... I was just...
All I see is you running out of a caf?.
How do I know that's yours?
'Cause I'm telling you it's my brief...
I left it in there.
Give me some proof.
I don't know that's yours.
I'm telling you it's my briefcase.
- Believe me.
- No, this is not...
this should go to the lost and found.
No, no, no, no, it's mine.
- I promise you it's mine.
- Don't grab it!
- I'm not grabbing! I'm...
- You just grabbed it.
I'm taking it. I'm not grabbing it.
Well, no. Just...
I... I understand that
you think this is yours,
but I wouldn't fight with
me, if I were you, okay?
I'm not fighting. It's my brief...
It's my briefcase.
Don't grab it. I'm
doing the right thing.
Officer!
Don't, no, it's not...
This should go to the lost and found.
I went to make a phone call.
I find this briefcase.
This man comes running out of a caf?,
telling me it's his briefcase.
- How do I know that?
- It's my briefcase.
- Trying to do the right thing.
- It's my briefcase.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Thank you, Officer.
Can you identify it?
Can I... yes, it's a briefcase.
What's in it?
What's in the briefcase?
Yeah, tell me, and I'll check.
You know, it's. I don't...
It's not really my briefcase.
So I was kidding.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
What's your name?
Muntzinger, Sidney. S. J. Muntzinger.
Perhaps you've read some of my books.
The S is for Sidney, the J...
I just put that in for prestige,
like Harry S Truman.
Let me tell you something.
Claiming that this was yours
was not a very nice thing to do.
Oh, I'm a congenital liar.
My family, it's in the genes, we...
Okay, good, you know what?
Move along now, or I'm gonna have to
arrest you for attempted theft, okay?
Put me down for two tickets
to the Policeman-Fireman Tug of War.
It's my favorite event.
Okay, all right, thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you, Officer.
You got it.
Hey.
Hey.
Where you off to?
I was never very good at reading a map.
Ah, of where?
Upstate New York.
Hmm, so I guess you're really going.
I have no choice.
Well, I'm gonna be sad to see you go.
I can't stay here.
So what is it?
Canada, Cuba?
Cuba.
And suppose I went with you?
It's not a good idea.
Why? Think about it.
Get to know each other
under the Caribbean moon.
Oh, snap out of it, come on.
I'm on the run, and
you're getting married.
I'm a devoted revolutionary,
and until this world
changes for the better,
my fight goes on.
Me too now.
What the hell would you do in Cuba?
We'd work together to make
the world a better place.
We could... It's not like here.
Things are much cheaper.
We could find a way to get by.
You'd end up waiting tables.
Is that what you want?
Yes, if I had to, I would.
And meanwhile, I'd work to organize
an agricultural collective.
You couldn't work at an
agricultural collective
if they gave you seeds and a shovel.
Do you know how long you'd last in Cuba?
I know I'm in love with you.
Forget it.
Tomorrow, I'm out of here.
God, Sid.
Sid, we... you lost all her money.
What do you mean I lost all her money?
What did you expect me to do?
Open the briefcase with the cop there?
Yes, Officer, I always carry around
$30,000 in Cuban money
in case I want to buy black bean soup.
Were you able to do it?
Uh... uh...
You did transfer the money, right?
Nothing went wrong?
Well, yes, one small thing went wrong.
Everything.
What? I was counting on this.
Well, don't count on it. Do it yourself.
For God's sake, we're not
professional criminals.
You know, I'm writing a sitcom.
It was our first time
jumping from rooftop to rooftop.
Christ, she comes in
here full of, you know,
half-baked ideas about
Fidel and... and Che
and... and the great
Chairman Mao, you know,
one of the few overweight Chinese.
It was a simple pick up and drop.
It was supposed to be.
Yeah, very simple, except, the guy
making the pickup was
followed by the police.
What?
I think they're closing in on us, Lenny.
They got a pretty good look at Sid.
You didn't tell me that.
I didn't want to worry you.
Jesus Christ, you know,
you're jumping around the roof
like Batman, and she's
safe up in her room
reading Spartacus and coming
to all the wrong conclusions.
That money was for my escape.
Hey, this is not how I want
to spend my golden years.
Look, I know they're closing in on us,
but we have a little bit of time.
I just... I have to
keep a low profile...
- What was that?
- Jesus.
God, I told Allen not to make a bomb
without me there.
Let me tell it, Moe.
So tell it, but you only
give your point of view.
Last year, our sex life came to a halt.
It was never great.
Do not interrupt me, Moe.
It went from three times
a week, to twice, to once,
and then, bingo, he stops trying.
So since he's a man
with a normal sex drive...
A strong sex drive.
No more than normal.
I got a little suspicious.
And then I notice his credit card bills.
- She snooped.
- Mm!
You damn right I snooped.
So I see this credit card bill
with escort services, right?
Massage parlors. So I confronted him.
- And I admitted it.
- Mm-hmm.
Those encounters excited me,
and to get into bed with
my wife no longer did.
Did you ever hear of such a thing?
Go on.
So we came to you.
You listened to us, and you said,
"Why don't you just pay your wife?"
I should charge him, he should pay me,
and the same dynamic will exist.
Well, it seemed like a very good idea.
He needs to think of you as a whore,
so why not charge him?
- Yes, and it worked.
- Yeah.
Paying her was exciting,
and it felt like being with a hooker.
Mm, mm, which he finds naughty.
And exciting.
Sometimes a creative solution...
She started charging too much.
I am not a low-class bimbo, okay?
If I was a professional,
I would be a high-class call girl.
I'm not paying my wife $700 a pop.
- Christ, Lorna...
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, for 700 bucks,
I could get a fantastic
professional whore.
Great, well, I'm not
doing it for 200 anymore.
Why not? It's fun money.
I could get at least
500 on the open market.
This is safer, and you can work at home.
Who cares?
I really think we can work this out.
You know, it's really...
it's all in the family,
and you could give him
maybe a little discount.
I mean, he does use you regularly.
Meanwhile, police have apprehended
the other man who
escaped in San Francisco.
He is Alvin Broadnax,
wanted in the bombing
of the Seattle draft board
and the shooting of the state trooper.
Broadnax had been traced to New Jersey,
where he was picked up in...
Oh, Jesus, Kay, the noose is tightening.
- Well?
- God.
Chairman Mao says that
a calm heart stills all panic.
Screw Chairman Mao.
You... you and I will be in prison.
Chairman Mao will be in his
palace eating spare ribs.
Let me tell you something.
If I wind up in prison,
I am never gonna take a shower.
I can promise you one thing,
that she will not be here long.
Yeah, meanwhile, her
accomplice was captured.
You know, thank God the guy
doesn't know where she is.
Um, he... he does.
What do you mean, he does?
How do you know he does?
They've... they've been in contact.
Well, that's it. I'm...
You know, I'm leaving for Cuba tonight.
Oh, that's interesting
because so is she.
Not tonight, but she is
planning to go to Cuba.
You know, she's delusional.
She's gonna be caught,
and then you know what happens?
Then she implicates us.
Oh, Lenny?
Lenny will never talk.
She'll never talk? Can I say...
Can I say two words... two words to you?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Sodium Pentothal.
They give her an injection.
Next thing you know, FBI's at our door
with his-and-her handcuffs.
You know, she's given us some
very interesting things to read.
Like what?
Well, like things
that opened my eyes to various things
that my eyes had been closed to.
Well, to what? What are
we talking about here?
Well, like the fact that
we go to cocktail parties,
and we talk the talk, but
we never walk the walk.
Yeah, well, I don't
want to walk the walk
or shoot the shooter, bomb the bomb.
Okay, so you're going
straight to Manhattan, right?
Right, right, right,
and I think I have...
I'm sure I have all your
instructions just right.
Don't worry about a thing.
I can't thank you enough for doing this.
Well, life is complicated.
Life is complicated.
I've already... you know.
It's so dangerous for you and Sid,
me staying here, and now
you're doing this for me.
No, no, there are black issues,
as Chairman Mao says...
there are white issues,
there are gray issues,
and this is all of those issues.
Have you said anything
to your husband yet?
No, he's going to go
to his cardiologist,
and I don't want his heart
to stop before he gets there.
Don't worry about it,
really. It's going to be okay.
- Thank you.
- It's gonna be great.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're absolutely fine.
Your heart's good.
You may have a little indigestion,
but that's all.
And what about my lung?
Well, the X-ray report
I got is negative,
so you see, you're really in good shape.
I get the blood test back in a few days.
Are you anticipating something?
No.
Your last blood test was normal.
Yes, but that was... that was when?
Two weeks ago, at your
allergist's office.
You know, I don't
want to be an alarmist,
but I notice in my right
thumb... not a pain.
It's not a pain, but
I have an awareness,
an awareness in my right
thumb, and when I move
the right thumb, what
happens is, I will experience
a kind of disorientation,
a dizzy feeling,
and... and maybe some
slight loss of appetite.
I can't afford not to eat
because I can't lose weight,
because I need the weight to
protect me against disease.
What disease is that?
Is there a possibility
that I could have malaria?
I'll call you when
the blood work gets in.
If you become aware
of your thumb, honey,
we'll go straight to the ER, really.
So what are you saying?
You're not gonna give
me anything for my thumb?
We should all be so healthy.
And as for that ringing sound
that you keep hearing in your kneecap...
Yes.
It's nothing,
but I'm going to keep my eye on it.
See, I was right.
It was chapped lips.
It wasn't the flesh-eating virus.
Yes, but chapped lips, uh,
untreated, can be fatal,
so... so now come on,
let's go have lunch.
- What time is it?
- It's 1:00.
- It's 1:00?
- Yeah, you know,
you've asked me that six times today.
I don't understand. Let's go have lunch.
We'll relax. We'll
get a nice French meal.
We'll... we'll go to a nice restaurant.
We can get some wine.
We can get some
delicious food, you know?
We don't have to worry
about going home early today
and that crazy crackpot
who invaded the house.
We don't have to think about her.
Darling, that sounds
just great, but first,
I'd just like to rundown
to Brooklyn, okay?
Where?
Brooklyn, I want to go to 119...
- Brooklyn?
- Veronica Street.
Is that okay? Just take a second.
Well, what are we gonna do in Brooklyn?
I just have a little errand
to do. Really, it's nothing.
What do you mean, an
errand? What kind of errand?
I just have to pick something
up for a friend, okay?
- Is that all right?
- In Brooklyn?
It will take a minute, yes, okay?
Can you go after lunch?
- I have to do it by 2:00.
- You must do it?
I must do it by 2:00, darling.
What are you doing down
here, buying heroin?
Oh, very funny.
I mean, this is... this is crazy.
Where are we? This is so desolate.
So, wait, at 2:00...
What's at 2:00?
A man will come and give us a briefcase.
We're... you're buying a new briefcase?
Uh, not... no, not exactly.
Well, what? I mean, you're so cryptic.
I mean, you drag me down here...
Doing... doing something for Lenny.
Ah, now it becomes clear, for Lenny.
Yeah, but we're doing
something for Lenny
so she can leave tomorrow.
Oh, that's fine, if
she's leaving tomorrow,
then anything you have to do is great.
But it's nothing dangerous, right?
I mean...
Has nothing to do with guns or...
No, she has a gun.
Yeah, I know she...
I remember she's got a gun.
Look, in for a penny, in for a pound.
I want my penny back.
Well, it's too late now.
Then keep it at a penny, you know?
The pound is up to $1. 80.
I don't want to be in for $1. 80.
That's the Volkswagen; that must be him.
Oh, Jesus...
Uh, hi, Lenny said
you had something for her to give to us.
Okay, okay, I just wanted to
make sure y'all was good people.
Briefcase, a briefcase.
Yeah, it's right here.
I told you it'd be a snap.
Yeah well, snap faster. This is treason.
Hold it.
- Ow!
- I just want you to know
that we're proud of what
you're doing for America.
Thank you. Now, listen,
you need to give that to...
make sure you give that to...
Oh, shit, they followed me.
Run, run!
Oh, God!
Well...
- I... I...
- Police found you.
In here, go in here.
Come in here.
Uh, Sid, this way.
Where are you going?
My heart, my heart.
Your heart is fine;
you just had a checkup.
Yeah, but the blood work's not back.
Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
We're trapped. We're trapped up here.
We can jump.
Throw the briefcase over to me.
What?
Throw the... throw the briefcase, Sid.
Good throw, now jump.
Jump?
I never jump any place
where there's gravity.
Jump!
Be careful, Kay, this thing is wobbling.
I know.
You be careful.
Hold on to that briefcase, okay?
- Steady.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, let me down here.
Okay, this way.
Ooh. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God, pick up the money.
Okay, no. What? Are you nuts?
It's a fortune.
Yes, but it's Cuban.
What's the difference?
It's a clue. Pick up the money.
She's right. It's a clue.
Well, I don't understand.
Why do you want to postpone the wedding?
Out of fairness to you.
Well, what does that mean?
I'm having second thoughts
about my life, about my job.
Well, your life is finance,
that's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, it's just... I'm
not so sure that I want
to spend my life using
money to make more money.
What? Do you have a problem with money?
No, not if it's used properly.
Meaning?
Meaning that... if it's used fairly,
if, you know, the
masses aren't exploited.
Well, you sound like Karl Marx.
Well, that's one of the
people I've been reading.
Well, surely you're not a communist.
No, I don't know what I am.
I know that I'm for human decency.
Well, suddenly you
have political ideas...
and radical ones. What happened to you?
I'm just saying, I've grown skeptical
of passive resistance.
So what are you suggesting?
The violent overthrow
of the United States Government?
No, no, I'm not. I'm suggesting change.
I'm for change; I'm for, you know,
not minuscule change
but meaningful change.
You mean radical change?
By any means necessary.
This is a you that I don't recognize.
Well, my personality's evolving.
Well, I think that this
may all be a way of you
telling me that you
don't want to marry me.
That's what I think.
Jesus, Kay, this has been
the worst day of my life,
and, you know, it's still early.
Here.
Come on, you can put some money in too.
- Let's not quibble.
- Okay, okay.
Here, take this. Okay.
Now, I think we did it.
I think we made it. I think we're safe.
- All right.
- I don't think anyone's coming.
Let's just close this thing.
God, we got hot merchandise here.
- You know, this is...
- What?
Is that a police car?
- No.
- Don't scare me.
You know I got an ulcer
the size of the Holland Tunnel.
You don't have an ulcer.
Don't tell me I don't have an ulcer.
Maybe they can't find
it, but I have an ulcer.
Okay, I think we're clear.
Where are we going?
We're going... going to hand this off.
To who?
To a man, that's all I know, to a man.
Jesus, Kay, God's gonna
punish us for this.
Oh, for God's sake.
God's not gonna punish
you; you're an atheist.
Yes, but if I'm wrong,
we're in big trouble.
You see that phone booth?
At 3:00, you will enter that
phone booth and make a call.
To who?
It doesn't matter.
You're not going to make a real call.
You're going to pretend
to talk, pretend to dial,
and then mime hanging up.
And what is the point?
You're going to leave this briefcase
in that phone booth.
Uh-huh.
And then a man is going
to come and make a call.
A... a real call, or will he mime it?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, he's going
to leave with the briefcase.
Well, I can't wait till that moment,
when this briefcase is gone,
'cause this has been
nothing but trouble.
Well, we're doing this so
that she can leave tomorrow.
Yes, and the minute she goes,
I give a major donation
to the Red Cross.
Well, she'll be gone.
But you've got to admit,
it's been exciting.
I don't know how you could volunteer
for something like this.
Well, you know, we just
drag around in this,
our everyday marriage,
and I just thought,
you know, this is something
so different and...
Yeah, 'cause, you know,
she gives you these books,
and it fills your head
full of... you know?
I'm glad she didn't give you Mein Kampf.
And then you give them
to your silly book club,
and then these ladies get crazy.
You're in pretty good shape.
When you ran up those stairs
and you went leaping over those roofs?
Yeah, it's amazing what
the human body can do
when it's being chased by a policeman.
It's 3:00, go.
You know, you volunteered for the thing,
and all the dirty work, I have to do.
'Cause I'm the lookout.
I have better ears and better eyes,
and... and I'm sharper.
Yes, you should put me in a home.
Be right back.
Okay, now what?
Now we wait until the
man comes to pick it up.
Then we split.
Yes, but, uh, that's not a man,
or he's in drag.
I'm pretty sure she said a man.
Well, that's not a man. That's a woman.
It is a woman, isn't it?
Yes, it's a woman, and she's...
and she's picking it up.
Well, let's...
Maybe the plan has been changed.
Can you go back and just
very subtly try to find out
whether that's the person
who's supposed to pick it up?
How am I going to find out?
What are you talking about?
Maybe just take the briefcase back.
How am I gonna get it back?
Just say that you left
it there by mistake.
It's a mistake, and it's your package,
and you want it back. Come on.
Jesus, you sit here with
these brilliant notions,
and I carry them out.
- Uh, excuse me, miss?
- Yeah?
I left my... that's mine.
I left it in there.
How do I know that?
Well, I'm telling you,
I left my... I was just...
All I see is you running out of a caf?.
How do I know that's yours?
'Cause I'm telling you it's my brief...
I left it in there.
Give me some proof.
I don't know that's yours.
I'm telling you it's my briefcase.
- Believe me.
- No, this is not...
this should go to the lost and found.
No, no, no, no, it's mine.
- I promise you it's mine.
- Don't grab it!
- I'm not grabbing! I'm...
- You just grabbed it.
I'm taking it. I'm not grabbing it.
Well, no. Just...
I... I understand that
you think this is yours,
but I wouldn't fight with
me, if I were you, okay?
I'm not fighting. It's my brief...
It's my briefcase.
Don't grab it. I'm
doing the right thing.
Officer!
Don't, no, it's not...
This should go to the lost and found.
I went to make a phone call.
I find this briefcase.
This man comes running out of a caf?,
telling me it's his briefcase.
- How do I know that?
- It's my briefcase.
- Trying to do the right thing.
- It's my briefcase.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Thank you, Officer.
Can you identify it?
Can I... yes, it's a briefcase.
What's in it?
What's in the briefcase?
Yeah, tell me, and I'll check.
You know, it's. I don't...
It's not really my briefcase.
So I was kidding.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
What's your name?
Muntzinger, Sidney. S. J. Muntzinger.
Perhaps you've read some of my books.
The S is for Sidney, the J...
I just put that in for prestige,
like Harry S Truman.
Let me tell you something.
Claiming that this was yours
was not a very nice thing to do.
Oh, I'm a congenital liar.
My family, it's in the genes, we...
Okay, good, you know what?
Move along now, or I'm gonna have to
arrest you for attempted theft, okay?
Put me down for two tickets
to the Policeman-Fireman Tug of War.
It's my favorite event.
Okay, all right, thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you, Officer.
You got it.
Hey.
Hey.
Where you off to?
I was never very good at reading a map.
Ah, of where?
Upstate New York.
Hmm, so I guess you're really going.
I have no choice.
Well, I'm gonna be sad to see you go.
I can't stay here.
So what is it?
Canada, Cuba?
Cuba.
And suppose I went with you?
It's not a good idea.
Why? Think about it.
Get to know each other
under the Caribbean moon.
Oh, snap out of it, come on.
I'm on the run, and
you're getting married.
I'm a devoted revolutionary,
and until this world
changes for the better,
my fight goes on.
Me too now.
What the hell would you do in Cuba?
We'd work together to make
the world a better place.
We could... It's not like here.
Things are much cheaper.
We could find a way to get by.
You'd end up waiting tables.
Is that what you want?
Yes, if I had to, I would.
And meanwhile, I'd work to organize
an agricultural collective.
You couldn't work at an
agricultural collective
if they gave you seeds and a shovel.
Do you know how long you'd last in Cuba?
I know I'm in love with you.
Forget it.
Tomorrow, I'm out of here.
God, Sid.
Sid, we... you lost all her money.
What do you mean I lost all her money?
What did you expect me to do?
Open the briefcase with the cop there?
Yes, Officer, I always carry around
$30,000 in Cuban money
in case I want to buy black bean soup.
Were you able to do it?
Uh... uh...
You did transfer the money, right?
Nothing went wrong?
Well, yes, one small thing went wrong.
Everything.
What? I was counting on this.
Well, don't count on it. Do it yourself.
For God's sake, we're not
professional criminals.
You know, I'm writing a sitcom.
It was our first time
jumping from rooftop to rooftop.
Christ, she comes in
here full of, you know,
half-baked ideas about
Fidel and... and Che
and... and the great
Chairman Mao, you know,
one of the few overweight Chinese.
It was a simple pick up and drop.
It was supposed to be.
Yeah, very simple, except, the guy
making the pickup was
followed by the police.
What?
I think they're closing in on us, Lenny.
They got a pretty good look at Sid.
You didn't tell me that.
I didn't want to worry you.
Jesus Christ, you know,
you're jumping around the roof
like Batman, and she's
safe up in her room
reading Spartacus and coming
to all the wrong conclusions.
That money was for my escape.
Hey, this is not how I want
to spend my golden years.
Look, I know they're closing in on us,
but we have a little bit of time.
I just... I have to
keep a low profile...
- What was that?
- Jesus.
God, I told Allen not to make a bomb
without me there.