Crimi Clowns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Villa Tersago - full transcript

Day 1.

Sunday evening, November 6, 2011.

Twenty past nine.

Burglary in the Saturn in Wilrijk.

Expectation: 70,000 euros.

Result: 200,000 euros.

And seven...

...of these cuties.

God damn it, Wesley! What are you doing?

See if he marches.

Wes ! Are you going to do that with everything? - Goddamnit !



Go, Jay, go!

Come on, Lou! Where are you staying?

Goddamnit.

What is that ? - What's up?

On a photo camera. - It's a movie camera.

Did you get it there? - Yes.

Wesley ! - Dad?

Is that me ? - Yes.

May I see?

How many have you got like that? - Seven.

Wow !

Do you have Lou falling on his face on video? - Yes.

Here, Wesley.

There you have them.



Always late.

Gentlemen of the jury,

teachers of the seventh art,

after four years of study, I was denied entry to your renowned institute.

Because... What was it again?

Norm-breaking behaviour.

Auch.

But as you can see, I completed my thesis on my own.

This isn't going to be in your movie, is it, Wesley? - Of course not.

Then why are you filming it?

For later, when we're caught. Or dead.

Nice owner, huh, Jay, my son? - It's a freak, Ronny. Believe me.

This is no longer a finished thesis.

This is a time document of my own disturbed family

as a metaphor for society.

If you're not going to use it, why are you filming it?

This is a will. - Yes...

Gentlemen of the jury, teachers of the seventh art,

lots of viewing pleasure with Crimi Clowns,

the first film where the protagonists, will be sentenced

for life, after the premiere.

Or it will premiere posthumously.

Villa Tersago, Brasschaat.

Monday morning, November 7. Half ten.

Good morning, Lou. - Good morning, Wesley.

My father's toys.

Good morning, Corey.

It's on! - But no.

Do not lie. - Is that red light on?

Then it's off.

Interview with my mother.

Who, like the rest, still doesn't get it

that her boy hasn't been in that retarded film school anymore for a long time.

If it's for school, you can ask Mom anything.

But nothing private. Your teacher has absolutely no affair with that.

You understand that, don't you, Weske? - OK. Are you ready?

Don't annoy our mom, okay?

I saw a red sports car in front of the villa this morning.

Did someone sleep over again?

Those bitches get rich while sleeping and my bank card gets swallowed.

You're not filming this are you? - No no.

How did you come into contact with the clown world?

I have daddy...

I got to know clown Norry when I was Miss Merksem.

And magician's assistant.

Whose ? - From the Great Diabolo from Turnhout.

Then you can immediately reveal a professional secret.

How does that sawing trick work?

We didn't do any sawing tricks.

What's the difference between a good clown and a bad clown?

A bad clown acts fun, a good clown actually is fun.

Interview with Lou.

The only active clown still alive

with impaired episodic memory. What is that ? That's laughing.

OK, Lou ?

Wesley, that stupid film school can kiss my balls.

Fucking cheese heads.

OK, but not half an hour. I have better things to do.

I'm always here first. I pick up the phone. I make the coffee.

I've been doing that ever since your mom doesn't live here anymore.

Has anyone called today?

You fucking speak Hollandisch!

Do you think that's weird? After 5 years in Amsterdam? - Yes.

Has anyone else called?

No.

But yesterday someone did. Your grandma.

I forgot to tell your dad.

He told me last time is the final time. Otherwise he'll kick me out.

He always says that. - Yes.

There was something else.

A problem with money. - Seriously ?

Someone is coming to talk to your dad. - The bank ?

Yeah.

Today ?

Tomorrow.

You sure ?

I think so.

God damn it, Lou! How is that possible ?

I thought he was coming tomorrow.

If you do that one more time, you won't be picking up phones anymore.

What are you going to do then? Throw me out?

Forward the phone to my mobile.

Philip De Ruyter for Mr Tersago.

Thank you.

What are those pictures for, Wesley? - For school.

What is the project about? - White collar criminals.

You know our Wesley. Always funny.

I have a few questions from the credit committee.

What is that ? - That's in Brussels.

And every time you pay late...

Ronny, I already explained that to you...

Then a red light goes on in the credit committee's room.

In the room...

Or wherever those men are in Brussels.

That's a proverbial light, isn't it, Ronny.

That 'room' too, Philip.

Yes, kids cost money, don't they.

That's not our Amber, is it, Philip.

No ?

No wonder your father is always late with his alimony.

With all his hookers.

Where were we ?

De Red Nose VZW, established in Brasschaat.

Clowns for Sick Children VZW, established in Deurne.

Clown Norry BVBA, with headquarters in Zug, Switzerland.

A debit of more than 500,000 euros and no progression.

'Doe de Norry' was number one in the Flemish Top 10 for five weeks.

Your companies went from two million euros in turnover

to barely a hundred thousand a year.

Your father screwed up all of that. For such a stupid cunt.

One letter from that mother to the tabloid press

and ten years of work went to shit.

What is the cause ?

That's not a disease if you can't keep it in your pants.

Flu is a disease. Or the mumps. Or Parkinson's.

That I spent half a year in jail, Philip.

And that I gave that mother half a million to withdraw her accusation.

That's not a pedophile. He never lifted a finger at a child.

What do we call that then?

A stupid guy chasing after his dick.

And because everyone dropped me like a brick.

Do I have to draw it out for you?

I just ask what they ask me.

Philip, if you drop me now, it's over.

I can only do what I can do. - And that is ?

Nothing.

Exactly.

The power to say no but not the strength to say yes.

You know what, Philip?

Stick that proverbial light up your hole, dude!

Everything OK, mate? - It's done, Lou. Sir was just about to leave.

Ronny... -Philip.

It won't work between us. Fuck off.

Then we will use our mortgage mandate.

What ? Are you going to take my house, Mister Incredible!

You can't reason with someone like you.

Do you want a smack on your head?

Out of my house, dude!

Everything alright, dad?

No.

They're all gangsters. - Why is your face already painted?

We play at twelve o'clock. - At four o'clock.

You sure ? - I see Jos at noon.

Correct. - You will never become an executive secretary.

Bye, boy. - Jos.

Jarek. - Ronny.

You're going to be happy, mate.

Stop that, Wesley. - Come on, Jos, one photo.

I don't look good on paper.

Come.

That's not wrong. - No bullshit, mate. What does that say?

Here.

What is that ?

There's a calculator in there.

Here aswell.

25,000 will be deducted. - What ?

Another 25,000 euros will be deducted from your debt.

No way.

Including the price list, it's 200,000.

For 200,000 I can buy it myself at Saturn.

Why did I become a clown?

What kind of a stupid question is that? OK...

You can't 'become' a clown. You are one.

Welcome everyone.

Here they are, the craziest clowns in the world.

Clown Norry and Clown Papalou!

Hello, hello, everyone. - Hello.

Come on in, we'll start.

This is Norry. - And this is Papalou.

And we bring...

a nice show for you!

That's stronger than yourself. You can't just easily quit.

About our summit ? What do you mean?

We are still there.

Do you dare say that in front of your father?

You'll get beat up.

On the opening. On the success. Cheers.

Good, right?

Please. - Thank you.

I think you want to give me one too many.

No, not at all. That's very correct. thanks.

Ma'am, thank you. Ladies. - Good day.

Until next time. - Bye, madam. Miss.

If I won the Lottery?

Then I would still be a clown.

Those blond chicks were well equipped!

Are there times you don't think about tits?

When I think about food.

How much did you get out of the cash register? - Sixhundred.

Here. Three hundred. - Are you sure?

huh? - If you counted correctly?

Yes. - Then give me your package.

Why ?

Shouldn't you count that? - No no. I trust you.

Do you like that? - It's okay, boy.

It is possible that I was mistaken. - About ?

That I didn't count correctly. - Seriously ?

Sir, sir... Are you clowns?

No.

Sir, can my buddy take a picture of us?

Quick then. We don't have all day.

Like your dad.

Kadeir, here.

OK.

Shall I take one of you with those clowns now? - No, boy. Stupid clowns!

haha! You look even dumber than those stupid clowns.

Goddamnit! Kiss my balls. thieves. - Did they steal your wallet?

That's mine. And this one too.

Fuck, dude.

Motherfuckers.

You'd fucking murder them if it were legal.

Fortunately, not all of them are like that.

You always say that.

I have yet to meet the first one I'd grab a beer with.

Those guys don't drink.

A strawberry-milk then.

Ofcourse I remember everything from last night.

I mean, up to a certain moment.

And from then on...

nothing.

Did we go out for a drink? - No, we were a bit tired.

OK.

Lou is home. Lou !

Are we there yet ? - Yes.

Shall we have another drink? - New.

Goodnight, Lou. - Goodnight Lou.

Sleep well.

What do you think? Let's go to the Heaven ?

Now we're talking!

Our Corientje is a good one, isn't she Ronny.

Here, baby.

Greetings to Lou.

Buddy.

Honey, meet me at three o'clock.

Not later, but not earlier either.

Can I do a prepayment? - Corientje.

Yes, Ronny. Precious toy, right mate.

Wait, wait.

That's Jay's.

'Where getaway car?'

Kiss my balls...

He just snitched on us. - I'll destroy him.

Come on, dude!

And that's not the first fucking time. That's an informant.

Maybe he set off that alarm on purpose!

Shut up, Wes. - I'll fuck him up, Dad.

You do nothing! You hear me?

OK, Ronny. Drive, dude.

Thanks, Wes.

I think you'll regret that. - I don't think I will.

Regret what?

You know how much bullshit that would bring?

My father was right for like, two minutes.

If you shoot someone in the head in the car,

The bang will make you deaf for a week.

And it will stick in the upholstery and in the grilles of your air conditioning.

You won't ever get that cleaned out

You know how much bullshit that brings? - Serious bullshit.

What ?

Puking against the windshield.

Leave it. I just washed my hair this week.

Here... Do you need a Motilium (anti nauseous)?

Calm down. Rest descended again.

But, less than fifteen minutes later, just when we try to drop Jay off

at his car on the bridge of Peerdsbos

my father and him suddenly got into an argument.

An alarm that turns itself back on?

Yes.

I didn't know that one yet.

These systems are constantly being updated. Sorry.

An apology is not going to fix it, Jay. - Goddamnit !

Jay, I don't like that. - I know, Ronny.

No, Jay, that you yell at me!

Do you do the same when you're with Jos 'The Thief'? I didn't think so, huh.

But Ronny is just a Clown. A silly retard. Right?

What ? Should I be scared now?

Scared of a guy who's 50 and still afraid of his own mom?

Come on, dude.

Mama's boy.

That's the difference between you and Jos 'The Thief'.

Not that you're a clown, but that you don't have it.

You're out, Jay. - What ?

You've pooped your last shit with us.

No, Ronny, you and your deranged son.

I'm talking to you, freak !

Drive him over, Dad!

I'm worried.

What the hell happened to Jay?