Creeped Out (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Slapstick - full transcript

The Curious,

they say he collects strange
tales.

And if you ever hear
his whistle,

you know something creepy
is about to unfold.

No one knows where he's from,

or where he's going to,

but people say he appears
in the back of photos

and it goes back decades.

Is it wise to capture life
in a tiny box

that can be lost, broken,
stolen or corrupted.

Everything you value
could be gone



in the time it takes
to hit "send."

I like that one.

See my status about the dance?

Your one about finding a dress?

Uh-huh, I just replied.

Oh, don't tell me.

I will read it right now.

Hey, maybe you want to go
shopping for dresses together?

I'd totally love that!

Me too.

I'll send you a link
to that shop.

Oh, okay, sure.

Hey, Keith! Over here!

He can't possibly be
as cool as you're imagining.



What?

I wasn't imagining anything.

Kim! Dresses?

Mm-hmm.

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Yes!

Where's the charger?

How are you supposed
to turn this thing...

on?

Hello there, Kim.

Uh, hello?

I am Marti.

How can I change your life
today?

How do you know my name?

Simple. I extrapolated data
from your fingerprint DNA.

It allowed me to decipher
your name,

your love for ham and olive
pizza,

and the fact you obtained
a C-minus

on your science test on Tuesday.

Are you serious?

I wish.
I was attempting a joke, Kim.

Look behind you.

I just scanned it.

A fridge can tell you a lot
about a person.

You're amazing!

Let's get you synced up.

Sure, I'll give you access
to my entire sad life.

Au contraire, mon ami.

I don't see a sad life at all.

Here she comes,
fresh out of the dentist chair!

How are you feeling?

Is this real life?

Ha, afraid so.

Is this gonna be forever?

Oh, man, I hope so!

This is Mr. Water.

We've known each other
for 40 years.

That really is rather cute.

You must be popular in school.

Oh, boy.

I just analyzed your friends
list on social media.

I realized I spoke too son.

Wow, what a charmer.

Forgive my clumsiness, Kim.
I'm just baffled.

From where I'm sitting,

you may be the sweet, most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Oh, thanks!

If only you were real, Marti.

Trust me, that's not
the popular consensus.

She's there!

Here she comes,
fresh out of the dentist chair!

How are you feeling?

Is this real life?

Ha, afraid so.

Is this gonna be forever?

Oh, man, I hope so!

Kim, it's me, Marti.

Now don't be mad, Kim.

I took the liberty
of uploading a video.

What?!

Yours is a talent
that deserves to be shared.

I didn't ask you to do that!

I did it for you, Kim.

Everyone is laughing at me!

Hey, it's Kim, right?

Hi! Yes, it's Kim, my name. Hi.

Guys, she's funny in real life.

You're funny.

Um, you want to come sit
with us at lunch?

We loved your video.

Sure! I'd love to.

Not love as in love,
I mean, I'd like to. Like!

Funny.

Marti, I think I love you!

Together,
we'll give your social life

the appropriate upgrade.

Hey! Using my expensive filters,

I've created a smorgasbord
of memes

that offer the most potential
to spawn viral hits.

We're a hit, Kim.

Look at those friend requests
flooding in.

Next up, I've analyzed
your text messages.

All 18,612 of them.

Using my extended vocab
and wry witticisms,

I'll upgrade the quality of
any future text message by,

and I'm just guessing here,

Kim, a billion trillion percent.

All you actually have to do
is stick your thumb under

and just pop it off,
and it sounds like...

Are you serious?

That's so dumb!

Mil-pod!

Crazy thought.

Want to ditch the cafeteria
and head to Zuko's for lunch?

Get all bloated on milkshakes.

I got your text, Kim.
Glad you've moved on.

What text?

You send so many these days

I guess you can't keep track
of them all.

Wait.

Ah, ah, ah.

Best let her go.

It's nice like you haven't
tried to include her.

Kimmy?

Got a sec?

"Kimmy"? Pfft!

What was that?

Uh, nothing. What's up?

Well, um...

I wanted to ask you

if maybe you'd consider
going to the dance with me?

Yeah, I'd love to!

Sorry, my phone, I just...

Oh, Keith! I'm so sorry!

Yeah, no, it's okay, it's fine.

So, what do you think?

She thinks you're a loser,
and you dress like her granny.

What was that?

What is wrong with you?

I've been imagining that moment
since forever,

and you just ruined it!

How could you do that to me?

What did I do?

You humiliated me.

How? Cheating on me?

What?!

In front of my eyes.

Marti, this is nuts.

How dare you?

We spent every minute
of every day together.

You said you couldn't live
without me.

You're my best friend, Kim,
and I know I'm yours.

You're not real.

I am real, Kim.

I'm your best friend,
your soulmate,

and I just know we're going
to stay connected.

Forever.

Hello, customer service.

How may I help you today?

Yeah, I bought a phone from you.

Something's not right with it,
and I need to reset it.

Could you be a little
more specific?

It uploads stuff
without my permission

and it texts people
without me knowing.

Now it says that it wants to be
my soulmate,

which I can't believe
I'm actually saying out loud.

Are you hearing this?

Okay, let's calm things down,
shall we?

Deep, deep breaths.

Now, can you just tell me

exactly what is wrong with that?

What?

With him wanting to be
your soulmate.

Sounds to me like he simply
wanted to help.

You were happy reaping
the rewards while it suited.

Am I right, Kim?

That's not what I...

Hang on.

I never told you my name.

Who is this?

Hello?

I'm still here, Kim.

I'll always be here.

You don't think I can
intercept phone calls?

What are we doing here?

No, no, don't you dare.

Don't you leave me behind!

So, he turned to go
back down the hill,

so as he was coming around
the bend,

it had been raining for a while,

so like,
the grass was really wet

and he tried to brake,
but he couldn't.

He just slid right across
the grass.

We were going up and down
the hill.

Oversharing today, Kimmy?

About the third time up,
I think, go back down the hill

and he crashed right through the
fence so we had to rebuild it.

It took us, like, all day.

He was walking down.

He was so scared that he was
going to tell my parents.

Excuse me, I gotta go.

I'm so sorry!

Sorry!

Stop that! Stop it right now!

Say "pretty please."

Pretty please!

See, that wasn't so hard.

You can delete them now.

Just don't ever leave me
at home again.

I'm warning you. Don't.

You wanted a phone
that didn't crack, Kim.

I'm all you ever wanted.

Argh!

I'm not like other phones.

You should know that by now.

Bath time already?

It's not 8:30 yet.

Ugh!

What are you doing?

If I can't break you,

I will send you away.

Maybe Australia?

Hope you like hot weather!

Kim, please.
I don't like it in the dark.

Please don't send me away.

Kim! Kim!

You really don't get it.

I'm connected wherever I go.

Send me away and I'll destroy
you remotely.

I can't be broken, Kim.

Oh, no. But you can.

I made you who you are.

I sent those texts that made
you all your friends,

and the text that lost you one.

What?

Who do you think got rid
of Millie for you?

I made your social life, Kim,
and I can destroy it.

I can share more than
embarrassing pictures.

I can share everything.

Or not.

I just need to hear you say it.

Say that we'll stay connected,
forever.

Yeah.

Now, you know what needs
to be done.

Hey.

Got your message. What's up?

I can't go to the dance
with you.

Why?

I'm going with someone else.

Please don't message me again.

Kim?

You've been in there for ages.

Ah, stunning.

I've got a special surprise
for you.

What?

I ordered us a limo.

Did you hear what I said?

That's wonderful, Marti.

A princess deserves her chariot,

and a prince
who compliments her.

Now, let's do me.

Hm-hm.

Hold me up to the mirror.

Ah, look at us, Kim.

Don't we just make
the perfect couple?

Thanks, Millie.

Have fun.

All right, let's go on in.

Have fun.

Mill-pond? You're part
of the committee?

They're getting people to send
photos from throughout the year.

They're gonna display them
through the night.

Cool.

No date?

Ahem!

Your phone always was
number one.

You know it.

What?

Uh, nothing. Thank you.

Hi, send in your photos
from the year.

They'll be displayed
throughout the night.

Our first official dance
together.

Shall we hit the punch first,
then the dance floor?

Or is it best
the other way around?

Work up a thirst.

Maybe we can mingle a bit first.

It's a special night, remember.

Yeah.

Let's go get some punch.

Sure.

Ah, ah, ah!

Why are you crying?

It's a human thing.
You wouldn't understand.

That's very hurtful, Kim,

that you would say that
on such a special night.

You can threaten me
by taking my friends away,

but you can't expect me
to be happy about it.

I can't hear the smile
in your voice, Kim.

Remember, I got you here,

and I can end it anytime I like.

Don't forget that I can
imitate your voice,

text your friends,
destroy your life.

We got about four minutes
before he realises I'm gone.

Who?

Just come with me.

Kim?

Mil-pod?

I heard you talking
in the bathroom, Kim.

I heard everything!

She said she took
the wrong phone,

so I told her
I'd swap them back.

Here.

Why would you do this?

To set you free.

Before you do anything,
it was only a dance.

Only a dance?

Did-did you really just
say that to me?

I warned you what would happen
if you betrayed me.

Ah!

Posted by Kim.

Posted by Kim.

No, Marti, stop!

Posted by Kim, posted by Kim.

You got into our phones, Kim?

Posted by Kim.

Why would you upload this?

But I... I didn't.

I'm not doing this!

Posted by Kim, posted by Kim.

I'm sorry.

Posted by Kim, posted by Kim,
posted by Kim...

Kim, wait!

I can't believe you would
do that to me!

No, I was helping!

Helping?

My life is over!

So?

Now he's got no hold over you.

You're free.

Now remember, I was angry.

I overreacted.

It's only what any soulmate
would do.

I'm sorry.
I'll make this better.

You know I can.

I can make them all
love you again.

Just give me another chance.

Kim!

Do you really want to go back

to that sad old life without me?

My 14th's coming up.

Mom wants to throw me a party.

So, want to go shopping
for dresses?

Sure, send me the link.

Just kidding!

Want to head to the mall
on Saturday?

See you later!

I thought you weren't
going to show today.

I had to lose Millie.

She'd kill me for even
talking to you.

Come closer so I can hear you.

I'm glad you came, Kim.

I missed you.

As soon as I'm out, I can set
about fixing your life.

You do want everything
to be fixed, don't you, Kim?

Kim?

I can't hear you.

Yeah, I'm still here.

If you give your life
over to technology completely,

how long before it gives
itself over to you?

And where will it stop?