Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - All Signs Point to Josh... Or Is It Josh's Friend? - full transcript
Because Rebecca is torn between being with Josh and being with Greg, she, in her romanticized view of the world, believes that she should be in a thruple with them. Learning that polyamory is not a default for not being able to choose - especially as she has not cleared anything with either Josh or Greg - she looks for a definitive sign of whether she is destined to be with Josh or Greg, she believing that her destiny is to be with one of the two of them as opposed to any other alternative. This search for the sign is despite the professional advice she receives about the reality of her situation. After receiving what she thinks are a series of small signs pointing her equally in both directions, she receives what she thinks is the definitive sign. The issues are whether it was a sign at all, and even if it was whether signs that others involved in her fantasy receive are compatible with Rebecca's. One of those opposing signs relates to Greg, who is given an opportunity which would both be against what he believes to be the hard and fast rule of avoiding upheaval during his recovery and against being with Rebeca, at least in the short term. Another person who receives what she believes is a sign is Paula, that sign having to do with being out of sync with Rebecca.
♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪
♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪
♪ She's an ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you
can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪
Blam!
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
REBECCA: I was in New
York. I ran into Josh.
He made me feel warm inside,
like glitter was exploding inside me.
Then I moved here. Josh and Rebecca are
having sex and basically
living together.
What?!
I am applying to law school!
(both scream)
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
PAULA: My dreams might
actually come true.
I got a DUI, spent a night in jail,
turns out I'm an alcoholic.
I've been going to meetings
and I'm trying to stay sober.
That's it. Bingo, bango, done. Beers?
What's this? Okay, just
a simple contract, laying out
the terms of our friendship.
It stipulates that my services
as a friend are limited
to consultation and support
and exclude shenanigans.
Rebecca, I'm very glad
you're welcoming the opportunity
to work on yourself.
The reason I got a DUI
is because I was driving
over the next morning
to tell you that I loved you.
- Oh, my God.
- You and Josh...
you're happy, right?
And he treats you well?
Um... yes.
I deserve to be with someone
who treats me well.
Okay.
Is that Greg's sweatshirt?
(sighs)
Mmm, I'm so hungry.
I can't wait for that pizza.
Yeah, me neither. I'm starving.
- Mm.
- (door opens)
Greg?
- Greg, what are you doing?
- Yeah, what are you doing, Greg?
Pizza in the bedroom, that's crazy!
I hope you brought napkins.
- Oh.
- Oh, come here, silly head.
(all laughing)
God, this is great.
I was so torn between you two.
I mean, Josh, I've loved
you since I was 16 years old,
and, Greg, I thought you
were too damaged to love me,
but now that you're in recovery,
you seem like a really
viable alternative.
It's so great now that
I don't have to choose.
- Isn't it awesome?
- (laughs)
Hey, before we dive into the 'za,
how about a three-way spoon sesh?
- GREG AND JOSH: Great idea!
- Yay!
Hey, who gets to have
sex with me tonight?
You guys want to arm-wrestle for it?
- Sure!
- Sure!
(laughing): Okay. Kiss time.
That's how it works when you have
two significant others at the same time.
Right?
I was on BuzzFeed and I saw
a listicle about polyamory,
and it described it as
the ethical and responsible
practice and philosophy
of loving multiple people.
And it hit me.
Josh, Greg and I could
be a poly-amorous throuple,
like you guys, since, you know,
I can't choose between them.
Um...
this sort of relationship
isn't a default option
for someone who can't choose.
And it's definitely not
about arm-wrestling for sex.
You know, I thought you
were writing an article
on us for Psychology Today.
That's what it said
on the Craigslist ad.
Right, okay, so, don't be mad at me,
but that was a straight-up lie.
But I still want to buy your TV stand.
Wait, w-w-wait,
please, please, please,
don't go, don't go. Listen...
I am legitimately torn.
What you're describing
is a love triangle.
That's a completely different thing.
A love triangle.
I guess you're right.
That is what I'm in.
(sputters) Oh, dear.
(in baby voice): What's a girl to do?
♪ What's a girl to do when
she's stuck between men? ♪
♪ It's like she's a Barbie
with two perfect Kens ♪
♪ But wait, it just occurred to me ♪
♪ Maybe I can solve
this with geometry ♪
♪ Yes, smarts can help this
"sitchywation" untangle ♪
♪ So, professors, teach me ♪
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
Yay. Time for book facts.
♪ A triangle is a polygon ♪
♪ With three edges
and three vertices ♪
♪ Take the base times the height ♪
♪ Cut that in half to find
the area of the surfaces ♪
♪ Uh-uh, I wasn't really
listening but I can see ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
♪ Isn't hard to learn ♪
♪ You're not taking
in what we're saying ♪
♪ We're a little bit concerned ♪
♪ Yes, the math of love triangles ♪
♪ Is as simple as can be ♪
♪ Whichever Tom or
Dick I might pick ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ Actually, a triangle
has multiple centers ♪
♪ This triangle's scalene ♪
♪ That's astute ♪
♪ So I need to decide ♪
♪ Which man's more acute ♪
♪ Here's Pythagoras' theorem ♪
♪ Will this help me choose? ♪
♪ If not, I'll be swinging ♪
♪ From a "hypotenoose" ♪
♪ Let's take a look ♪
♪ At what this line bisects ♪
♪ Is that spelled
B-I-S-E-X? ♪
♪ Those are good puns,
but please pay attention ♪
♪ Oh, no, professors,
am I facing suspension? ♪
(squeals) A swing!
It's literal suspension.
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
♪ Isn't hard to learn ♪
♪ We're starting to suspect ♪
♪ You don't sincerely want
to know about triangles ♪
♪ Yes, the math of love triangles ♪
♪ Is as simple as can be ♪
♪ I need to choose between
men, but until then ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ Is this a triangle? ♪
♪ No, that's a shoe ♪
♪ Is this a triangle? ♪
♪ No, that's you ♪
♪ So, I'm a triangle? ♪
♪ What? No ♪
♪ One, two, three, six ♪
♪ Eight, three, go... ♪
You don't seem to know how to count.
We're sincerely worried about you.
Catch me!
You're ruining the number!
♪ This angle's right ♪
♪ Which angle's right? ♪
♪ No, not right like correct ♪
♪ Ooh, are you erect? ♪
♪ No, 90 degrees ♪
♪ That's really erect ♪
♪ The math of love triangles
is super-duper fun ♪
♪ We're tired of all your tangents ♪
♪ That's also a triangle pun ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Thanks for teaching me man math ♪
♪ You all deserve a kiss ♪
♪ Lady, we're all gay ♪
♪ We get nothing out of this ♪
♪ Neither man will notice
my learning disability ♪
♪ 'Cause the center
of the triangle ♪
♪ Is lil, old, sexy, little baby ♪
♪ Me... ♪
(sighs)
(song ends)
(in baby voice): So,
you see my predicament.
Cut the baby voice.
(in baby voice): Okay.
Rebecca, your approach to
this situation is fallacious.
- (high-pitched): What?!
- Actually there are two fallacies:
One, neither man is actually
offering you a relationship.
Uh, mm, is it neither or kind of both?
And two, because of your
mental health issues,
you shouldn't be in a
serious relationship at all.
- But I'm in l...
- You feel torn
between two men, but
it has nothing to do
with those men. It has to do
with your personal issues.
No. You are wrong.
I feel that it is my destiny
to be with one of these two men.
You know what, if you're not gonna
help me, I know someone who will.
Who?
Dr. Geller?
He's a hack. He got his degree
in a hotel conference
room in Turks and Caicos.
No, the universe, Dr. Akopian.
Look, the whole reason
I'm in West Covina is
because the universe
sent me a sign, literally.
An arrow pointed straight down
to Josh on the street in New York.
You're gonna say that's a coincidence?
- Yes.
- Ugh! I know you want me
to be so logical,
but that's how I've lived my whole life
and I have been miserable.
So, you know what?
I'm gonna let destiny take the wheel,
like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.
(sighs)
And I feel so much better.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Thank you, Dr. Akopian.
You know what? I'm calling it.
We're done. Take the
rest of the day off.
Um, I have other patients.
You're good.
You're really good.
Is it even ethical to
keep taking her money?
I do want that kayak.
REBECCA: Okay, universe, I'm ready.
Send me some signs.
A karate outfit.
Okay, that's a Josh sign.
(clank)
A whiskey bottle.
Hmm, could be Greg.
Signs, signs, signs.
Wait, there was a Signs 2 and 3?
How did I miss those signs?
Aah, this is so hard.
So many signs.
How am I supposed to make a decision?
You have made a great
decision, Mr. Serrano.
Yeah. And with my client's cash,
it'll be a seven-day close.
Hello.
Dad?
Yeah. Uh...
who is that lady?
What is she closing? What's going on?
Greggy...
I got great news.
One of those house-flipping douches
knocked on the door last week,
offered me ten times
what I paid for this
piece of crap in '78.
(chuckles)
You sold the house?
Like, literally, just now,
that was a transaction?
Yup!
You sold our house
without telling me?
Yup.
You-you didn't own it, jackass.
I'm being very generous.
I'm giving you half the money...
so you can go to school.
What? You did what?
Isn't that great? That is
great, right? (chuckles)
I'm already in school.
Your-Your dream school.
Emory... in Atlanta.
You're always bragging
about getting in, so-so go already.
- Now-Now you can afford to.
- Dad...
I'm trying to stay sober.
That's all that matters right now.
(laughing): Oh...
Son, no, no. Th-This was fate.
The guy knocking on the door,
it was... it was like a sign.
Well, it wasn't like
a sign, he had a sign.
It said, "I Pay Cash." (chuckles)
Listen, I-I wouldn't have
sold the house before,
because I was waiting for you
to get your life together...
You were waiting for me
to get my life together?
I think I was waiting for you
to get your emphysema together.
You still have cigarettes here.
Oh, no. Don't pin this on me.
I'm fine. I got a great place,
a retirement community...
But not that retired.
It's called Barely Seniors.
Singles scene is insane.
So, while you're in
Atlanta working on your MBA,
I'm gonna be hitting on
foxy widows at a swim-up bar.
S-Swim-up
bar? What?
Dad, I can't just pick up
and move across the country
out of nowhere. I'm not crazy.
And I'm not supposed to
make big changes this early in recovery.
I'm afraid to change my socks.
I've been 28 days in these puppies.
Well, it's your life.
And, you know, do what you want to do,
but we don't live here anymore.
And the money is yours.
(groans)
Oh, I'm so confused.
I mean, I've barely
been sleeping or eating,
except for this sandwich...
That was delicious.
I don't want to hurt anybody, but...
(sighing): I have to know,
is destiny Team Josh or Team Greg?
'Cause I keep getting signs for both.
It's-it's exhausting.
Oh, I just wish someone would
tell me what to do at this point.
- You know?
- Not me.
Not anymore.
- (phone chimes)
- Oh, maybe this is something.
- Oh, no, it's just period day.
- Period day?
- Yay!
- Mm.
Ovunation is... the best.
Yeah, definitely worth the $1.99.
- (chuckles)
- Huh, it says
we're supposed to get our periods today.
You got anything?
You got, uh, I don't know,
puffy boobs, migraines, cramps?
An urge to dip chips in frosting?
Oh... Ooh...
- Tonight. Um, I don't know. Yeah.
Let me see what I got here.
(shivers): Yes. Oh, God,
those puppies are sore.
Our red friend must be on its way.
Oh, thank God. I'm so
glad we cycle together.
- Mmm...
- It's like we're
our own little blood coven.
(both cackling)
(in witch voice): Scatter,
little boys! Scatter!
(cackling continues)
Oh, God.
Yeah, it is kind of weird that
we're running a little late, though.
Usually it's like clockwork.
You know what? It's probably my fault.
I have been so stressed
about applying to law school.
- Oh...
- I mean,
I'm finally doing what
I want to do, it just...
It feels great, but it's
also, like, really scary.
- Mm.
- Oh, but you remember
that scene in Working Girl
where all the women walk to work
- in their sneakers...
- Oh, yeah.
... and then they change
into, like, little
kicky Nine West pumps?
- Yeah.
- Oh...
God, I always wanted to be that girl.
(sighs) And all my life,
people have been telling me I couldn't.
You know? And I am
so close.
(sighing): I don't know.
Having to wait six months
to find out if I can have my dream
is so hard when I've been
waiting my entire life.
Wow.
How long have you been
sitting on that speech?
- 24 years.
- Mm. Paula,
you can do it, okay?
There's really no need to stress.
It's all gonna happen. Thanks, baby.
Hello, ladies, I got the
Ovunation push notification.
(chuckles)
So,
I brought in your favorite chocolate.
Oh. God,
I got to change my
privacy settings. Darryl,
what are you wearing?
Why are you exposing
your extremely white legs?
Oh, well, WiJo and I
went hiking together.
We found this place in
town called Heritage Bridge.
Have you ever been? It's so pretty,
and I've lived here for 15 years,
never even knew it was there.
But that's the beauty of WiJo...
He helps me to see
the beauty that's been
under my nose from the very beginning.
(retching)
(laughs) I get it. I get it.
We're so sweet together
that it's almost nauseating.
(laughing): That's kind of funny.
It's true but it's funny.
No, Darryl, I legit just barfed.
Oh, my God, I... got water mouth.
Honey, are you okay?
Paula...
I'm pregnant.
So, you think you're pregnant
because you hurled once?
No, I'm pregnant because I
ate that egg salad sandwich.
Yeah, honey, no one gets the egg salad
from the vending machine.
It's all sweaty and gray.
I mean, you got to start looking
at your food before you eat it.
No, okay, Paula, when
my mother was pregnant,
she could not eat egg salad.
I mean, just-just the
thought of egg salad,
and she would barf everywhere!
I-It's on the list of
things I ruined for
her, including her
career and her vagina.
Right, okay, and you
don't think it's because
they ship those sandwiches
in hot trucks from Colorado?
No. No...
No. No, that's not it.
All right, look.
If you think you could be pregnant,
then let's just... let's just
go get a test and then you'll know.
I don't need a test.
I know what I feel.
Paula, don't you see?
Wait,
(laughing): Paula!
Don't you see? Don't you see
- what's happening here?
- (mouths)
This baby is a sign.
The universe got back
to me. Thanks, universe!
Oh, my God, it's like
everything was a test,
and ding, ding, ding,
the baby is the answer! A-plus!
Yeah, I-I-I'm just...
I'm not following you,
like, at all.
Okay, okay, okay. Paula,
I put my intention
out into the universe,
and now the universe is telling me
exactly what I should do. I mean,
the baby can only be
Josh's, ask Ovunation.
It's-it's his! And if
I'm having Josh's baby,
it means that Josh and I
are meant to be together.
I mean, it would crazy to think
that Greg and I were meant to
raise Josh's baby, right?
(laughing): Oh, honey.
I am so worried about you.
Okay, so I am just gonna
pop out and get you a test, mm-Kay?
And then we'll just...
We'll go from there.
Having Josh's baby.
(exhales deeply)
Okay. I hear you.
I hear you, universe, loud and clear.
So what do I do, Guard?
Can I call you that?
Instead of Guardrail?
It's just one extra
syllable to make it right.
Make the effort.
I hear you. Guardy.
Hmm.
Guardrail.
Listen. My father has literally
handed me my dreams
on a silver platter...
that's not quite as expensive...
Like a bronze platter.
He actually doesn't even own a platter.
He once served cheese and
crackers to me on a Frisbee.
Point is,
I can't do it.
Why?
'Cause it goes against
the "big changes" rule.
In the book. In our book. In our book.
Those are guidelines.
There's only one hard and
fast rule: don't drink.
Look, there's meetings in Atlanta.
And for a sponsor,
I can set you up with one of the best
retired winos, my friend Barry.
He didn't get a cool biker name?
He's an actuary.
Be careful about stereotyping, okay?
Greg, I can't tell you what to do,
but this sounds like an opportunity
you've been waiting for.
Maybe that is more important.
Are you sure?
What should I do?
I can't tell you what to do.
But, seriously...
tell me what to do.
Literally just told you I can't.
- You could write it down.
- Nope.
- You could send me a text.
- Stop it.
What if you told those people
- and they told me?
- What?
(mouthing)
I'm gonna go.
Hi!
What's going on?
You sent me 17 texts to come over.
I am so happy to see you.
Mmm. (chuckles) (moans)
Also, it's not coming over,
it's coming home, so...
(both chuckling)
Whoa, tiger.
I just feel so close to you right now.
- Oh...
- (chuckles)
Mmm.
(gasps, laughs)
Wow, I'm so glad I came over...
- Uh, home.
- Yeah, baby.
Mmm.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
(both moaning)
(chuckling)
- Mmm.
- Oh, wait. H-Hold on.
What? What?
What... w-what is that?
Oh, no, no, look at those later.
- That's for later.
- What?
Uh...
Oh...
Prenatal...
vitamins?
I'm sorry.
I-I... I didn't want
you to find out this way.
I was gonna to tell you
after we made love.
What, wait?
Are you telling me that you're pregnant?
Okay... (laughs)
So, Josh, I know this is
big, this is really big,
but we've been so unsure
about what's happening between us.
And now destiny has
intervened right here.
I mean, think about it,
I'm on birth control,
you used a condom.
Like, this is basically a miracle.
This baby is a sign that
we're meant to be a family.
You should sit down.
You should sit down. Sit
down, sit down. This is big.
Do you need a glass of water?
Yeah, this is hard. Listen,
I'm not saying this isn't hard.
This is gonna be the hardest
thing we will ever have to do,
but it's gonna be
worth it. You know why?
Jeronica.
What do you think of
that name, if it's a girl?
Jeronica. It's like the
"J" names in your family.
I mean Josh Jr. If
it's a boy, of course.
Or Jeremiah, I really like Jeremiah.
Hold on, I have to pee!
(Rebecca breathing rapidly)
(footfalls ascending stairs)
(door shuts)
(toilet flushes)
(door opens)
REBECCA: Okay! So, change of plans.
I just got my period,
so I am not pregnant!
Wow, this has been quite a
day. Sorry to stress you out.
But, the good news is...
now we can have some...
period sex. (snaps fingers)
♪ ♪
♪ Period sex ♪
♪ Period sex... ♪
♪ Put down a towel ♪
♪ Party till it's dry ♪
♪ With some period sex ♪
♪ Period sex. ♪
JOSH: Stop it!
What just happened?
I walked in the door,
everything was fine,
but then you were pregnant,
and then my life started
flashing before my eyes,
then you weren't... I-I...
Okay, I need some air, some... air.
Hey, hey, Josh, wait.
No, no. Rebecca, I need more than air.
I can't do this.
Do you mean the period
sex? It's not gross,
I'll just get a dark towel.
It's not the period sex!
Rebecca, the last three minutes
have been the most upsetting of my life!
But I thought that you
would be happy a-about...
It's-it's not... It's not just that.
This confirms what I've been feeling.
I've been so unsure about us.
What just happened... that's a sign.
What? A sign of what?
That we need to stop doing this.
This is all wrong.
Wrong? It's not... It
was just a cas... okay,
it was just a casual thing. But then
I started leaving my stuff here and...
it's just too much,
Rebecca. I got to go.
Wait... what are you
doing? Wait, wait, wait.
You're coming back, right?
This is just a fight.
This is a fight. All couples fight.
No, it's not.
And we're not a couple, Rebecca.
What?
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? Sorry for what?
(sighs)
I don't want to see you anymore.
Josh...
Hey, no, Josh!
(door closes)
(exhales)
Oh, hey, honey.
Listen, I got you a test.
Um, I wanted to bring it by
last night, but I was respecting our
legally... binding friendship contract.
I'm not pregnant.
(crying): And Josh broke up with me.
Oh, no, honey, I'm so sorry.
So, my womb is empty, like my life.
Oh, no, okay.
Maybe this is for the best.
No, come on, this love triangle
thing, the bouncing back and forth.
I mean... it's exhaust...
- You are exhausted.
- (groans)
Why don't you take a break, okay?
Spend a little time on yourself.
I mean, I think that
would be healthy.
Yeah, you know what?
You're right.
Oh, that whole sign thing,
that was so stupid.
I don't know why I even came to work.
I got to get out of here.
I'm gonna go on a walk.
- Well, y-you want some company?
- No.
No, no, I have to be alone.
And plus our mutual periods
might attract vultures.
She got her period.
(exhales shakily)
Scott, meet me at home.
You're, uh, both leaving?
You know, you guys can't
just leave all the time.
Can I come?
Next time.
Yeah.
You've been looking at
this thing for 15 minutes.
It's not gonna pee on itself.
I don't want to know.
The longer I wait,
the longer I can pretend
this isn't happening.
And the more wine I can drink.
Paula, you're probably not pregnant.
You're only a couple days late
and we use protection.
Oh, God, this makes so much sense.
(laughing): I mean,
this is what happens to me, right?
I mean, I finally decide
to apply to law school
and that bitch Fate just...
gets me knocked up.
God, why did we decide
to have sex again?
It was such a mistake.
If you're pregnant, we'll
figure out how to deal with it.
- Everything will be fine.
- (chuckles)
We don't have the money for another kid
and... law school and food
and Brendan's parole officer payola.
(chuckles nervously)
Oh, I was gonna spread my wings.
Yup, I was gonna
spread my wings and fly.
I'm so stupid.
No, no. no. No, no.
My dad was right.
I'm a breeder, not a leader.
- That's a weird saying.
- I know.
Paula, just take the test
- and we'll go from there.
- I can't.
I can't take the test right now, okay?
I'm gonna go back to work,
and I will think about this... later.
(sighs)
♪ ♪
Greg?
Hey, what are you doing here?
- Hey, Rebecca, this is weird.
- Yeah.
I just needed a walk.
Lot of hours to fill
when you're not drinking.
Also, I've saved so much money,
- I bought these shoes.
- Oh!
How'd you end up here?
I, uh, also needed a walk.
And I found out about it from Darryl.
He and WiJo come here a lot.
God, they're a great couple.
Yeah, God, I ship them so hard.
Yeah, they're really cute.
Crazy that we both end up here
at the exact same time.
What are the chances of that happening?
I don't know, I think
it's just a coincidence.
I used to think that
coincidences like this
were, like, signs.
Like when you were a little girl?
No, like an hour ago.
Ah, how you've grown.
Yeah, I was so much shorter back then.
Is that even possible?
(mocking laughter)
This place is so beautiful.
We...
we should've come here.
You know, a place like
this when we were together.
Why didn't we do that?
'Cause we hated the outdoors?
- And each other most of the time?
- Right,
right, right.
The two pillars of
any great relationship.
Yeah, we were great.
(giggles)
All right, I should get
back to work, I, um...
I'm literally never there.
It's a miracle
I'm not fired.
It was nice to see you.
I've missed you.
Yeah, me, too.
This was a great, fate-less,
coincidental meeting
on a scenic bridge.
Okay.
I'm gonna...
(chuckling): Okay, good-bye.
Wait, Rebecca.
Yeah?
So, you were right.
You told me to stop looking
for signs and I did just that.
I'm glad to hear that, Rebecca.
And it was when I
stopped looking for signs
that I got the biggest sign of all.
Oh, Lord.
Yeah, he kissed me.
And in that moment, I realized...
it's him, Doctor,
- it's always been Greg.
- Hmm.
Let me float an idea out
there, and I know you have
every reason to say no, but...
can we try this again, please?
Rebecca...
I know there's a lot of
water under the bridge.
And I'm not just talking about
the water under this bridge.
There's a drought,
why is there so much...
water under this bridge?
Okay, if we try this again,
if we take it slow,
if we act like adults this time...
- But what about...
- Josh?
Josh is done. That was nothing.
It's-it's done, I swear.
Think about how this
story has played out.
So I move to West Covina,
in love with someone else,
and he's the sarcastic,
messed up bartender that
calls me out on my stuff,
and I ignore him, but we
have undeniable chemistry.
And now Josh and I break up...
and it's about me and Greg.
If you want to start over,
I'll be here in this exact spot
tomorrow night at sunset.
And if you're here,
then we can walk over to that adorable
mom-and-pop Italian place.
The Olive Garden?
The Olive Garden, yes. And...
we'll just, I don't know, start
over, pretend we never met.
And... forget all the bad stuff.
Okay?
Just... just think about it.
I mean, duh! It's the other guy!
It's the guy who was
under my nose all along,
that I under-appreciated.
I mean, him and me getting together...
It's the most obvious
thing in the world.
Do you listen to anything I say?
Ever?
Yes, I'm so glad you agree with me.
- Yup.
- (relieved sigh)
I'm gonna go fall in
love at the Olive Garden.
Mm.
(door opens and closes)
The kayak, Noelle.
Remember the kayak. (inhales deeply)
MARCO: (grunts softly) So...
Beans said you could
just keep all this stuff
- at his house?
- Yeah,
he's got a dog mausoleum
with some extra space, so...
Until I find a permanent place to live.
Here, in-in West Covina?
Uh, not necessarily,
maybe El Monte or Glendora.
Dad, I told you.
I can't leave because of my recovery.
- Recovery.
- Yeah.
Right.
This is why you're staying.
God, you're so dramatic.
What, are you gonna wave that
around? "I've got exhibit 'A'?"
This is not why you're staying?
You're not staying for this girl?
You are.
And isn't that against the
rules of your group, too?
New relationships?
They're guidelines, not rules.
And it's not a new relationship.
We're gonna take things slow,
see how things go...
Maybe we should celebrate
your staying in town
- by having a drink.
- Dad, stop.
You get back with Rebecca,
you might as well hit the bottle again.
Yeah, she jerks you around.
You fall for it every time.
She was figuring out her feelings.
Oh, God, would you listen to yourself?
You're poison for each other.
She's bad for you,
and you're bad for her.
You have to know that.
Whole lot of parenting
late in the game, Dad.
I got to keep packing.
♪ ♪
_
(sighs)
Congratulations!
What? What did you see?
It could be negative.
What?
Oh, God.
Darryl, what do you want?
Oh, I have great news.
So, I overheard you saying the other day
that you didn't want to wait
around to hear from law school.
You wanted to start right away.
So I thought about it, and I realized
that I knew someone
from the school where you applied.
Don't make a big deal
out of it, but I know...
the dean... mm-hmm.
And we actually know each other.
We're not just, like, Linkedln friends.
Okay.
Yeah, well, anyway, so I called him
and asked him about rolling admissions,
and I... pulled a few strings, and...
you start this semester.
This semester!
This semester!
(party horns blowing)
(laughing)
(party horns blaring)
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
Not anymore.
(sobbing)
Oh, my God, what have... What is that?
Are those... Those are
tears of joy, right?
(sobbing)
(chuckles)
Maya, get the present.
Maya, get with the
program, you millennial!
Sorry, I got distracted by the crying.
Maya, no one cares.
Get the box!
Nine West heels, just
like Melanie Griffith.
(gasping, sobbing)
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm her best friend, I
know exactly what to do.
Hey, what's the matter, sweetie, huh?
What can I do to make it better?
Do you want me to fire Maya?
Huh?
I don't really like her, anyway.
- You know what?
- What?
It's not that. (laughs)
I have something I have to do.
Um... but listen...
thank you, everybody, for this party...
and these shoes.
And thank you, Darryl.
You have been such a great friend.
Your best friend?
I mean, you made, you made
my dreams come true, so...
Like a best friend. You can say it.
Just say it, please.
♪ ♪
_
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Oh.
(groans)
(frustrated grunt)
_
(phone chimes)
_
What?!
(sighs heavily) Well...
this is fun.
It's hard, man.
You're moving... you
just sprung this on us.
Yeah, this is huge.
This is so huge.
(car alarm chirps)
Guys, Atlanta's not that far,
and I'll still be back
for Christmas and stuff.
My dad's still here.
I can't believe this
is really happening.
No one ever leaves this place.
I just don't understand why
you have to go right now.
Like, right this second.
I'm starting a Tuesday, Thursday
6:00 a.m. boot camp in the park
and I just... I really
think you'd benefit from it.
Guys, it's time.
I need to get to
Atlanta, get settled in,
meet Barry, all before my classes start.
Barry sounds like a great guy.
Guardrail and I really
think he'll be there for you.
Thanks, Chris.
REBECCA: Come on, come on!
Oh, my God.
Why don't people use... ?
Okay.
(grunts)
I gotta go, man.
My mom's waiting outside,
and she's parked in the red zone.
BOTH: Caw!
Thanks for being my
weirdly older friend.
No problem, man. Anytime.
Well, I should head to the gate.
I gotta go.
My mom's also in the red zone.
Yeah.
WiJo, I hope to be half
the man you are someday.
(chuckles) You're gonna have
to up your protein intake
quite a bit, maybe start doing
some squats, something like...
Oh, you meant that metaphorically.
Um, that's nice. Thanks, man.
No problem.
What are you do... ? Oh, come on.
Come on, just go, go!
Go, go, go.
You're the first friend I
ever made in my whole life.
I feel like a part of
me is leaving town, too.
If it gets too rough, you
can come back, you know.
I-I did that. No one will judge you.
I did. I judged you.
(scoffs)
Kidding.
You're not coming back, are you?
I don't think so.
But thanks.
Thanks for being a good friend, Chan.
Are you crazy? (sniffles)
I haven't been a good friend
to you in, like, months.
After all the Rebecca stuff,
I can't even believe
you still talk to me.
It's okay.
You sure?
Yeah.
All that's in the past now.
I'm coming, Greg.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Sorry.
Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Greg, wait! Wait! Wait!
What happened? Where are you going?
♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪
♪ She's an ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you
can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪
Blam!
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
REBECCA: I was in New
York. I ran into Josh.
He made me feel warm inside,
like glitter was exploding inside me.
Then I moved here. Josh and Rebecca are
having sex and basically
living together.
What?!
I am applying to law school!
(both scream)
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
PAULA: My dreams might
actually come true.
I got a DUI, spent a night in jail,
turns out I'm an alcoholic.
I've been going to meetings
and I'm trying to stay sober.
That's it. Bingo, bango, done. Beers?
What's this? Okay, just
a simple contract, laying out
the terms of our friendship.
It stipulates that my services
as a friend are limited
to consultation and support
and exclude shenanigans.
Rebecca, I'm very glad
you're welcoming the opportunity
to work on yourself.
The reason I got a DUI
is because I was driving
over the next morning
to tell you that I loved you.
- Oh, my God.
- You and Josh...
you're happy, right?
And he treats you well?
Um... yes.
I deserve to be with someone
who treats me well.
Okay.
Is that Greg's sweatshirt?
(sighs)
Mmm, I'm so hungry.
I can't wait for that pizza.
Yeah, me neither. I'm starving.
- Mm.
- (door opens)
Greg?
- Greg, what are you doing?
- Yeah, what are you doing, Greg?
Pizza in the bedroom, that's crazy!
I hope you brought napkins.
- Oh.
- Oh, come here, silly head.
(all laughing)
God, this is great.
I was so torn between you two.
I mean, Josh, I've loved
you since I was 16 years old,
and, Greg, I thought you
were too damaged to love me,
but now that you're in recovery,
you seem like a really
viable alternative.
It's so great now that
I don't have to choose.
- Isn't it awesome?
- (laughs)
Hey, before we dive into the 'za,
how about a three-way spoon sesh?
- GREG AND JOSH: Great idea!
- Yay!
Hey, who gets to have
sex with me tonight?
You guys want to arm-wrestle for it?
- Sure!
- Sure!
(laughing): Okay. Kiss time.
That's how it works when you have
two significant others at the same time.
Right?
I was on BuzzFeed and I saw
a listicle about polyamory,
and it described it as
the ethical and responsible
practice and philosophy
of loving multiple people.
And it hit me.
Josh, Greg and I could
be a poly-amorous throuple,
like you guys, since, you know,
I can't choose between them.
Um...
this sort of relationship
isn't a default option
for someone who can't choose.
And it's definitely not
about arm-wrestling for sex.
You know, I thought you
were writing an article
on us for Psychology Today.
That's what it said
on the Craigslist ad.
Right, okay, so, don't be mad at me,
but that was a straight-up lie.
But I still want to buy your TV stand.
Wait, w-w-wait,
please, please, please,
don't go, don't go. Listen...
I am legitimately torn.
What you're describing
is a love triangle.
That's a completely different thing.
A love triangle.
I guess you're right.
That is what I'm in.
(sputters) Oh, dear.
(in baby voice): What's a girl to do?
♪ What's a girl to do when
she's stuck between men? ♪
♪ It's like she's a Barbie
with two perfect Kens ♪
♪ But wait, it just occurred to me ♪
♪ Maybe I can solve
this with geometry ♪
♪ Yes, smarts can help this
"sitchywation" untangle ♪
♪ So, professors, teach me ♪
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
Yay. Time for book facts.
♪ A triangle is a polygon ♪
♪ With three edges
and three vertices ♪
♪ Take the base times the height ♪
♪ Cut that in half to find
the area of the surfaces ♪
♪ Uh-uh, I wasn't really
listening but I can see ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
♪ Isn't hard to learn ♪
♪ You're not taking
in what we're saying ♪
♪ We're a little bit concerned ♪
♪ Yes, the math of love triangles ♪
♪ Is as simple as can be ♪
♪ Whichever Tom or
Dick I might pick ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ Actually, a triangle
has multiple centers ♪
♪ This triangle's scalene ♪
♪ That's astute ♪
♪ So I need to decide ♪
♪ Which man's more acute ♪
♪ Here's Pythagoras' theorem ♪
♪ Will this help me choose? ♪
♪ If not, I'll be swinging ♪
♪ From a "hypotenoose" ♪
♪ Let's take a look ♪
♪ At what this line bisects ♪
♪ Is that spelled
B-I-S-E-X? ♪
♪ Those are good puns,
but please pay attention ♪
♪ Oh, no, professors,
am I facing suspension? ♪
(squeals) A swing!
It's literal suspension.
♪ The math of love triangles ♪
♪ Isn't hard to learn ♪
♪ We're starting to suspect ♪
♪ You don't sincerely want
to know about triangles ♪
♪ Yes, the math of love triangles ♪
♪ Is as simple as can be ♪
♪ I need to choose between
men, but until then ♪
♪ The center of the
triangle is lil ol' me ♪
♪ Is this a triangle? ♪
♪ No, that's a shoe ♪
♪ Is this a triangle? ♪
♪ No, that's you ♪
♪ So, I'm a triangle? ♪
♪ What? No ♪
♪ One, two, three, six ♪
♪ Eight, three, go... ♪
You don't seem to know how to count.
We're sincerely worried about you.
Catch me!
You're ruining the number!
♪ This angle's right ♪
♪ Which angle's right? ♪
♪ No, not right like correct ♪
♪ Ooh, are you erect? ♪
♪ No, 90 degrees ♪
♪ That's really erect ♪
♪ The math of love triangles
is super-duper fun ♪
♪ We're tired of all your tangents ♪
♪ That's also a triangle pun ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Thanks for teaching me man math ♪
♪ You all deserve a kiss ♪
♪ Lady, we're all gay ♪
♪ We get nothing out of this ♪
♪ Neither man will notice
my learning disability ♪
♪ 'Cause the center
of the triangle ♪
♪ Is lil, old, sexy, little baby ♪
♪ Me... ♪
(sighs)
(song ends)
(in baby voice): So,
you see my predicament.
Cut the baby voice.
(in baby voice): Okay.
Rebecca, your approach to
this situation is fallacious.
- (high-pitched): What?!
- Actually there are two fallacies:
One, neither man is actually
offering you a relationship.
Uh, mm, is it neither or kind of both?
And two, because of your
mental health issues,
you shouldn't be in a
serious relationship at all.
- But I'm in l...
- You feel torn
between two men, but
it has nothing to do
with those men. It has to do
with your personal issues.
No. You are wrong.
I feel that it is my destiny
to be with one of these two men.
You know what, if you're not gonna
help me, I know someone who will.
Who?
Dr. Geller?
He's a hack. He got his degree
in a hotel conference
room in Turks and Caicos.
No, the universe, Dr. Akopian.
Look, the whole reason
I'm in West Covina is
because the universe
sent me a sign, literally.
An arrow pointed straight down
to Josh on the street in New York.
You're gonna say that's a coincidence?
- Yes.
- Ugh! I know you want me
to be so logical,
but that's how I've lived my whole life
and I have been miserable.
So, you know what?
I'm gonna let destiny take the wheel,
like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.
(sighs)
And I feel so much better.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Thank you, Dr. Akopian.
You know what? I'm calling it.
We're done. Take the
rest of the day off.
Um, I have other patients.
You're good.
You're really good.
Is it even ethical to
keep taking her money?
I do want that kayak.
REBECCA: Okay, universe, I'm ready.
Send me some signs.
A karate outfit.
Okay, that's a Josh sign.
(clank)
A whiskey bottle.
Hmm, could be Greg.
Signs, signs, signs.
Wait, there was a Signs 2 and 3?
How did I miss those signs?
Aah, this is so hard.
So many signs.
How am I supposed to make a decision?
You have made a great
decision, Mr. Serrano.
Yeah. And with my client's cash,
it'll be a seven-day close.
Hello.
Dad?
Yeah. Uh...
who is that lady?
What is she closing? What's going on?
Greggy...
I got great news.
One of those house-flipping douches
knocked on the door last week,
offered me ten times
what I paid for this
piece of crap in '78.
(chuckles)
You sold the house?
Like, literally, just now,
that was a transaction?
Yup!
You sold our house
without telling me?
Yup.
You-you didn't own it, jackass.
I'm being very generous.
I'm giving you half the money...
so you can go to school.
What? You did what?
Isn't that great? That is
great, right? (chuckles)
I'm already in school.
Your-Your dream school.
Emory... in Atlanta.
You're always bragging
about getting in, so-so go already.
- Now-Now you can afford to.
- Dad...
I'm trying to stay sober.
That's all that matters right now.
(laughing): Oh...
Son, no, no. Th-This was fate.
The guy knocking on the door,
it was... it was like a sign.
Well, it wasn't like
a sign, he had a sign.
It said, "I Pay Cash." (chuckles)
Listen, I-I wouldn't have
sold the house before,
because I was waiting for you
to get your life together...
You were waiting for me
to get my life together?
I think I was waiting for you
to get your emphysema together.
You still have cigarettes here.
Oh, no. Don't pin this on me.
I'm fine. I got a great place,
a retirement community...
But not that retired.
It's called Barely Seniors.
Singles scene is insane.
So, while you're in
Atlanta working on your MBA,
I'm gonna be hitting on
foxy widows at a swim-up bar.
S-Swim-up
bar? What?
Dad, I can't just pick up
and move across the country
out of nowhere. I'm not crazy.
And I'm not supposed to
make big changes this early in recovery.
I'm afraid to change my socks.
I've been 28 days in these puppies.
Well, it's your life.
And, you know, do what you want to do,
but we don't live here anymore.
And the money is yours.
(groans)
Oh, I'm so confused.
I mean, I've barely
been sleeping or eating,
except for this sandwich...
That was delicious.
I don't want to hurt anybody, but...
(sighing): I have to know,
is destiny Team Josh or Team Greg?
'Cause I keep getting signs for both.
It's-it's exhausting.
Oh, I just wish someone would
tell me what to do at this point.
- You know?
- Not me.
Not anymore.
- (phone chimes)
- Oh, maybe this is something.
- Oh, no, it's just period day.
- Period day?
- Yay!
- Mm.
Ovunation is... the best.
Yeah, definitely worth the $1.99.
- (chuckles)
- Huh, it says
we're supposed to get our periods today.
You got anything?
You got, uh, I don't know,
puffy boobs, migraines, cramps?
An urge to dip chips in frosting?
Oh... Ooh...
- Tonight. Um, I don't know. Yeah.
Let me see what I got here.
(shivers): Yes. Oh, God,
those puppies are sore.
Our red friend must be on its way.
Oh, thank God. I'm so
glad we cycle together.
- Mmm...
- It's like we're
our own little blood coven.
(both cackling)
(in witch voice): Scatter,
little boys! Scatter!
(cackling continues)
Oh, God.
Yeah, it is kind of weird that
we're running a little late, though.
Usually it's like clockwork.
You know what? It's probably my fault.
I have been so stressed
about applying to law school.
- Oh...
- I mean,
I'm finally doing what
I want to do, it just...
It feels great, but it's
also, like, really scary.
- Mm.
- Oh, but you remember
that scene in Working Girl
where all the women walk to work
- in their sneakers...
- Oh, yeah.
... and then they change
into, like, little
kicky Nine West pumps?
- Yeah.
- Oh...
God, I always wanted to be that girl.
(sighs) And all my life,
people have been telling me I couldn't.
You know? And I am
so close.
(sighing): I don't know.
Having to wait six months
to find out if I can have my dream
is so hard when I've been
waiting my entire life.
Wow.
How long have you been
sitting on that speech?
- 24 years.
- Mm. Paula,
you can do it, okay?
There's really no need to stress.
It's all gonna happen. Thanks, baby.
Hello, ladies, I got the
Ovunation push notification.
(chuckles)
So,
I brought in your favorite chocolate.
Oh. God,
I got to change my
privacy settings. Darryl,
what are you wearing?
Why are you exposing
your extremely white legs?
Oh, well, WiJo and I
went hiking together.
We found this place in
town called Heritage Bridge.
Have you ever been? It's so pretty,
and I've lived here for 15 years,
never even knew it was there.
But that's the beauty of WiJo...
He helps me to see
the beauty that's been
under my nose from the very beginning.
(retching)
(laughs) I get it. I get it.
We're so sweet together
that it's almost nauseating.
(laughing): That's kind of funny.
It's true but it's funny.
No, Darryl, I legit just barfed.
Oh, my God, I... got water mouth.
Honey, are you okay?
Paula...
I'm pregnant.
So, you think you're pregnant
because you hurled once?
No, I'm pregnant because I
ate that egg salad sandwich.
Yeah, honey, no one gets the egg salad
from the vending machine.
It's all sweaty and gray.
I mean, you got to start looking
at your food before you eat it.
No, okay, Paula, when
my mother was pregnant,
she could not eat egg salad.
I mean, just-just the
thought of egg salad,
and she would barf everywhere!
I-It's on the list of
things I ruined for
her, including her
career and her vagina.
Right, okay, and you
don't think it's because
they ship those sandwiches
in hot trucks from Colorado?
No. No...
No. No, that's not it.
All right, look.
If you think you could be pregnant,
then let's just... let's just
go get a test and then you'll know.
I don't need a test.
I know what I feel.
Paula, don't you see?
Wait,
(laughing): Paula!
Don't you see? Don't you see
- what's happening here?
- (mouths)
This baby is a sign.
The universe got back
to me. Thanks, universe!
Oh, my God, it's like
everything was a test,
and ding, ding, ding,
the baby is the answer! A-plus!
Yeah, I-I-I'm just...
I'm not following you,
like, at all.
Okay, okay, okay. Paula,
I put my intention
out into the universe,
and now the universe is telling me
exactly what I should do. I mean,
the baby can only be
Josh's, ask Ovunation.
It's-it's his! And if
I'm having Josh's baby,
it means that Josh and I
are meant to be together.
I mean, it would crazy to think
that Greg and I were meant to
raise Josh's baby, right?
(laughing): Oh, honey.
I am so worried about you.
Okay, so I am just gonna
pop out and get you a test, mm-Kay?
And then we'll just...
We'll go from there.
Having Josh's baby.
(exhales deeply)
Okay. I hear you.
I hear you, universe, loud and clear.
So what do I do, Guard?
Can I call you that?
Instead of Guardrail?
It's just one extra
syllable to make it right.
Make the effort.
I hear you. Guardy.
Hmm.
Guardrail.
Listen. My father has literally
handed me my dreams
on a silver platter...
that's not quite as expensive...
Like a bronze platter.
He actually doesn't even own a platter.
He once served cheese and
crackers to me on a Frisbee.
Point is,
I can't do it.
Why?
'Cause it goes against
the "big changes" rule.
In the book. In our book. In our book.
Those are guidelines.
There's only one hard and
fast rule: don't drink.
Look, there's meetings in Atlanta.
And for a sponsor,
I can set you up with one of the best
retired winos, my friend Barry.
He didn't get a cool biker name?
He's an actuary.
Be careful about stereotyping, okay?
Greg, I can't tell you what to do,
but this sounds like an opportunity
you've been waiting for.
Maybe that is more important.
Are you sure?
What should I do?
I can't tell you what to do.
But, seriously...
tell me what to do.
Literally just told you I can't.
- You could write it down.
- Nope.
- You could send me a text.
- Stop it.
What if you told those people
- and they told me?
- What?
(mouthing)
I'm gonna go.
Hi!
What's going on?
You sent me 17 texts to come over.
I am so happy to see you.
Mmm. (chuckles) (moans)
Also, it's not coming over,
it's coming home, so...
(both chuckling)
Whoa, tiger.
I just feel so close to you right now.
- Oh...
- (chuckles)
Mmm.
(gasps, laughs)
Wow, I'm so glad I came over...
- Uh, home.
- Yeah, baby.
Mmm.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
(both moaning)
(chuckling)
- Mmm.
- Oh, wait. H-Hold on.
What? What?
What... w-what is that?
Oh, no, no, look at those later.
- That's for later.
- What?
Uh...
Oh...
Prenatal...
vitamins?
I'm sorry.
I-I... I didn't want
you to find out this way.
I was gonna to tell you
after we made love.
What, wait?
Are you telling me that you're pregnant?
Okay... (laughs)
So, Josh, I know this is
big, this is really big,
but we've been so unsure
about what's happening between us.
And now destiny has
intervened right here.
I mean, think about it,
I'm on birth control,
you used a condom.
Like, this is basically a miracle.
This baby is a sign that
we're meant to be a family.
You should sit down.
You should sit down. Sit
down, sit down. This is big.
Do you need a glass of water?
Yeah, this is hard. Listen,
I'm not saying this isn't hard.
This is gonna be the hardest
thing we will ever have to do,
but it's gonna be
worth it. You know why?
Jeronica.
What do you think of
that name, if it's a girl?
Jeronica. It's like the
"J" names in your family.
I mean Josh Jr. If
it's a boy, of course.
Or Jeremiah, I really like Jeremiah.
Hold on, I have to pee!
(Rebecca breathing rapidly)
(footfalls ascending stairs)
(door shuts)
(toilet flushes)
(door opens)
REBECCA: Okay! So, change of plans.
I just got my period,
so I am not pregnant!
Wow, this has been quite a
day. Sorry to stress you out.
But, the good news is...
now we can have some...
period sex. (snaps fingers)
♪ ♪
♪ Period sex ♪
♪ Period sex... ♪
♪ Put down a towel ♪
♪ Party till it's dry ♪
♪ With some period sex ♪
♪ Period sex. ♪
JOSH: Stop it!
What just happened?
I walked in the door,
everything was fine,
but then you were pregnant,
and then my life started
flashing before my eyes,
then you weren't... I-I...
Okay, I need some air, some... air.
Hey, hey, Josh, wait.
No, no. Rebecca, I need more than air.
I can't do this.
Do you mean the period
sex? It's not gross,
I'll just get a dark towel.
It's not the period sex!
Rebecca, the last three minutes
have been the most upsetting of my life!
But I thought that you
would be happy a-about...
It's-it's not... It's not just that.
This confirms what I've been feeling.
I've been so unsure about us.
What just happened... that's a sign.
What? A sign of what?
That we need to stop doing this.
This is all wrong.
Wrong? It's not... It
was just a cas... okay,
it was just a casual thing. But then
I started leaving my stuff here and...
it's just too much,
Rebecca. I got to go.
Wait... what are you
doing? Wait, wait, wait.
You're coming back, right?
This is just a fight.
This is a fight. All couples fight.
No, it's not.
And we're not a couple, Rebecca.
What?
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? Sorry for what?
(sighs)
I don't want to see you anymore.
Josh...
Hey, no, Josh!
(door closes)
(exhales)
Oh, hey, honey.
Listen, I got you a test.
Um, I wanted to bring it by
last night, but I was respecting our
legally... binding friendship contract.
I'm not pregnant.
(crying): And Josh broke up with me.
Oh, no, honey, I'm so sorry.
So, my womb is empty, like my life.
Oh, no, okay.
Maybe this is for the best.
No, come on, this love triangle
thing, the bouncing back and forth.
I mean... it's exhaust...
- You are exhausted.
- (groans)
Why don't you take a break, okay?
Spend a little time on yourself.
I mean, I think that
would be healthy.
Yeah, you know what?
You're right.
Oh, that whole sign thing,
that was so stupid.
I don't know why I even came to work.
I got to get out of here.
I'm gonna go on a walk.
- Well, y-you want some company?
- No.
No, no, I have to be alone.
And plus our mutual periods
might attract vultures.
She got her period.
(exhales shakily)
Scott, meet me at home.
You're, uh, both leaving?
You know, you guys can't
just leave all the time.
Can I come?
Next time.
Yeah.
You've been looking at
this thing for 15 minutes.
It's not gonna pee on itself.
I don't want to know.
The longer I wait,
the longer I can pretend
this isn't happening.
And the more wine I can drink.
Paula, you're probably not pregnant.
You're only a couple days late
and we use protection.
Oh, God, this makes so much sense.
(laughing): I mean,
this is what happens to me, right?
I mean, I finally decide
to apply to law school
and that bitch Fate just...
gets me knocked up.
God, why did we decide
to have sex again?
It was such a mistake.
If you're pregnant, we'll
figure out how to deal with it.
- Everything will be fine.
- (chuckles)
We don't have the money for another kid
and... law school and food
and Brendan's parole officer payola.
(chuckles nervously)
Oh, I was gonna spread my wings.
Yup, I was gonna
spread my wings and fly.
I'm so stupid.
No, no. no. No, no.
My dad was right.
I'm a breeder, not a leader.
- That's a weird saying.
- I know.
Paula, just take the test
- and we'll go from there.
- I can't.
I can't take the test right now, okay?
I'm gonna go back to work,
and I will think about this... later.
(sighs)
♪ ♪
Greg?
Hey, what are you doing here?
- Hey, Rebecca, this is weird.
- Yeah.
I just needed a walk.
Lot of hours to fill
when you're not drinking.
Also, I've saved so much money,
- I bought these shoes.
- Oh!
How'd you end up here?
I, uh, also needed a walk.
And I found out about it from Darryl.
He and WiJo come here a lot.
God, they're a great couple.
Yeah, God, I ship them so hard.
Yeah, they're really cute.
Crazy that we both end up here
at the exact same time.
What are the chances of that happening?
I don't know, I think
it's just a coincidence.
I used to think that
coincidences like this
were, like, signs.
Like when you were a little girl?
No, like an hour ago.
Ah, how you've grown.
Yeah, I was so much shorter back then.
Is that even possible?
(mocking laughter)
This place is so beautiful.
We...
we should've come here.
You know, a place like
this when we were together.
Why didn't we do that?
'Cause we hated the outdoors?
- And each other most of the time?
- Right,
right, right.
The two pillars of
any great relationship.
Yeah, we were great.
(giggles)
All right, I should get
back to work, I, um...
I'm literally never there.
It's a miracle
I'm not fired.
It was nice to see you.
I've missed you.
Yeah, me, too.
This was a great, fate-less,
coincidental meeting
on a scenic bridge.
Okay.
I'm gonna...
(chuckling): Okay, good-bye.
Wait, Rebecca.
Yeah?
So, you were right.
You told me to stop looking
for signs and I did just that.
I'm glad to hear that, Rebecca.
And it was when I
stopped looking for signs
that I got the biggest sign of all.
Oh, Lord.
Yeah, he kissed me.
And in that moment, I realized...
it's him, Doctor,
- it's always been Greg.
- Hmm.
Let me float an idea out
there, and I know you have
every reason to say no, but...
can we try this again, please?
Rebecca...
I know there's a lot of
water under the bridge.
And I'm not just talking about
the water under this bridge.
There's a drought,
why is there so much...
water under this bridge?
Okay, if we try this again,
if we take it slow,
if we act like adults this time...
- But what about...
- Josh?
Josh is done. That was nothing.
It's-it's done, I swear.
Think about how this
story has played out.
So I move to West Covina,
in love with someone else,
and he's the sarcastic,
messed up bartender that
calls me out on my stuff,
and I ignore him, but we
have undeniable chemistry.
And now Josh and I break up...
and it's about me and Greg.
If you want to start over,
I'll be here in this exact spot
tomorrow night at sunset.
And if you're here,
then we can walk over to that adorable
mom-and-pop Italian place.
The Olive Garden?
The Olive Garden, yes. And...
we'll just, I don't know, start
over, pretend we never met.
And... forget all the bad stuff.
Okay?
Just... just think about it.
I mean, duh! It's the other guy!
It's the guy who was
under my nose all along,
that I under-appreciated.
I mean, him and me getting together...
It's the most obvious
thing in the world.
Do you listen to anything I say?
Ever?
Yes, I'm so glad you agree with me.
- Yup.
- (relieved sigh)
I'm gonna go fall in
love at the Olive Garden.
Mm.
(door opens and closes)
The kayak, Noelle.
Remember the kayak. (inhales deeply)
MARCO: (grunts softly) So...
Beans said you could
just keep all this stuff
- at his house?
- Yeah,
he's got a dog mausoleum
with some extra space, so...
Until I find a permanent place to live.
Here, in-in West Covina?
Uh, not necessarily,
maybe El Monte or Glendora.
Dad, I told you.
I can't leave because of my recovery.
- Recovery.
- Yeah.
Right.
This is why you're staying.
God, you're so dramatic.
What, are you gonna wave that
around? "I've got exhibit 'A'?"
This is not why you're staying?
You're not staying for this girl?
You are.
And isn't that against the
rules of your group, too?
New relationships?
They're guidelines, not rules.
And it's not a new relationship.
We're gonna take things slow,
see how things go...
Maybe we should celebrate
your staying in town
- by having a drink.
- Dad, stop.
You get back with Rebecca,
you might as well hit the bottle again.
Yeah, she jerks you around.
You fall for it every time.
She was figuring out her feelings.
Oh, God, would you listen to yourself?
You're poison for each other.
She's bad for you,
and you're bad for her.
You have to know that.
Whole lot of parenting
late in the game, Dad.
I got to keep packing.
♪ ♪
_
(sighs)
Congratulations!
What? What did you see?
It could be negative.
What?
Oh, God.
Darryl, what do you want?
Oh, I have great news.
So, I overheard you saying the other day
that you didn't want to wait
around to hear from law school.
You wanted to start right away.
So I thought about it, and I realized
that I knew someone
from the school where you applied.
Don't make a big deal
out of it, but I know...
the dean... mm-hmm.
And we actually know each other.
We're not just, like, Linkedln friends.
Okay.
Yeah, well, anyway, so I called him
and asked him about rolling admissions,
and I... pulled a few strings, and...
you start this semester.
This semester!
This semester!
(party horns blowing)
(laughing)
(party horns blaring)
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
Not anymore.
(sobbing)
Oh, my God, what have... What is that?
Are those... Those are
tears of joy, right?
(sobbing)
(chuckles)
Maya, get the present.
Maya, get with the
program, you millennial!
Sorry, I got distracted by the crying.
Maya, no one cares.
Get the box!
Nine West heels, just
like Melanie Griffith.
(gasping, sobbing)
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm her best friend, I
know exactly what to do.
Hey, what's the matter, sweetie, huh?
What can I do to make it better?
Do you want me to fire Maya?
Huh?
I don't really like her, anyway.
- You know what?
- What?
It's not that. (laughs)
I have something I have to do.
Um... but listen...
thank you, everybody, for this party...
and these shoes.
And thank you, Darryl.
You have been such a great friend.
Your best friend?
I mean, you made, you made
my dreams come true, so...
Like a best friend. You can say it.
Just say it, please.
♪ ♪
_
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Oh.
(groans)
(frustrated grunt)
_
(phone chimes)
_
What?!
(sighs heavily) Well...
this is fun.
It's hard, man.
You're moving... you
just sprung this on us.
Yeah, this is huge.
This is so huge.
(car alarm chirps)
Guys, Atlanta's not that far,
and I'll still be back
for Christmas and stuff.
My dad's still here.
I can't believe this
is really happening.
No one ever leaves this place.
I just don't understand why
you have to go right now.
Like, right this second.
I'm starting a Tuesday, Thursday
6:00 a.m. boot camp in the park
and I just... I really
think you'd benefit from it.
Guys, it's time.
I need to get to
Atlanta, get settled in,
meet Barry, all before my classes start.
Barry sounds like a great guy.
Guardrail and I really
think he'll be there for you.
Thanks, Chris.
REBECCA: Come on, come on!
Oh, my God.
Why don't people use... ?
Okay.
(grunts)
I gotta go, man.
My mom's waiting outside,
and she's parked in the red zone.
BOTH: Caw!
Thanks for being my
weirdly older friend.
No problem, man. Anytime.
Well, I should head to the gate.
I gotta go.
My mom's also in the red zone.
Yeah.
WiJo, I hope to be half
the man you are someday.
(chuckles) You're gonna have
to up your protein intake
quite a bit, maybe start doing
some squats, something like...
Oh, you meant that metaphorically.
Um, that's nice. Thanks, man.
No problem.
What are you do... ? Oh, come on.
Come on, just go, go!
Go, go, go.
You're the first friend I
ever made in my whole life.
I feel like a part of
me is leaving town, too.
If it gets too rough, you
can come back, you know.
I-I did that. No one will judge you.
I did. I judged you.
(scoffs)
Kidding.
You're not coming back, are you?
I don't think so.
But thanks.
Thanks for being a good friend, Chan.
Are you crazy? (sniffles)
I haven't been a good friend
to you in, like, months.
After all the Rebecca stuff,
I can't even believe
you still talk to me.
It's okay.
You sure?
Yeah.
All that's in the past now.
I'm coming, Greg.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Sorry.
Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Greg, wait! Wait! Wait!
What happened? Where are you going?