Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - When Will Josh See How Cool I Am? - full transcript

Despite Josh unofficially living with her, Rebecca still looks for opportunities to spend time with him, especially as he seems to be doing things with his guy friends doing what are usually considered stereotypical twenty-something guy things. So when Josh says he is spending this upcoming Friday with his friends, Rebecca decides to hound in on the outing, pretending to like doing such guy things, which is the furthest thing from the truth. She takes the lie one step further when she learns the outing is to a new table tennis cocktail bar, ping pong which she claims to once being an expert at. Not wanting to be caught in the lie, Rebecca goes on a crash course to learn the game,... all the while looking hot for Josh while doing it. Meanwhile, Greg believes that the worst is now behind him with his drinking, as he is religiously attending his AA meetings. He doesn't realize however that things that happen in his everyday life may throw his sobriety out the window. Learning of Greg's alcoholism, Josh feels Greg's news throws a wrench into his ability to get the fact that he and Rebecca are sleeping together off his chest. And Paula has discovered that what she needs to do to fill the void that was the craziness of Rebecca's life is to go to law school. She asks Rebecca for one small favor: to write a letter of recommendation for her law school applications, that letter which needs to be submitted by Friday. Despite Paula having moved on in her life from Rebecca's craziness, a question with regard to the letter is if Rebecca has moved on from the craziness herself to do this favor for who is arguably her best friend. In the matter, Darryl quietly battles Rebecca for the position of Paula's BFF.

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Greg, listen,

I care about you.

Tell me...

tell me how you feel,
if you have any feelings.

I need-I need to... to take...

- I need to take a nap.
- Greg?

Rebecca, no matter what I do...

... I feel you with me.

Why don't you... leave
a few things here?

I have plenty of room.

Just put it in one of my drawers.

Is that Greg's sweatshirt?

I am looking for Greg.

I really need to find him.

I need to speak to your son, Greg.

Look, there he is, there he is!

Hi, I'm Greg,

and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm addicted to her life.

It's like I... did
another fist full of blow.

- What's this?
- Okay,

just a simple contract laying
out the terms of our friendship.

It stipulates that my
services as a friend

exclude shenanigans.

There's just still
something missing in my life.

I just... and I don't know what it is.

Once I took my very first drink,

I felt bulletproof.

For the first time in my life,
I didn't care about anything.

About how people felt, about how I felt,

about what was going
on with my mom and dad.

Alcohol became my shield.

And it worked.

At least I thought it
worked until 27 days ago.

Thanks for bringing
the donuts this week.

You bet, man.

And thank you for sharing, dude.

Oh, thanks, Guardrail.

"Guardrail," is that because

you were conceived on
the open road, or...

Nah, my buddy Throttle gave me that name

because I was so
overprotective of my coke.

Those were the days.

- So, things going okay?
- With me?

Yeah, weirdly enough,
I'm doing all right.

Feel my feelings, yadda yadda.

I remember how good I felt
when I first got sober.

- Almost euphoric.
- Exactly.

Then I found it was just a phase.

We call it the pink cloud.

When that went away, I had
to deal with some rough stuff.

Listen, thank you for the indirect,

passive-aggressive warning,
but I'm coming to the meetings,

I'm doing great.

Hey, tell you what, how about
I bring the donuts next time?

Uh, okay, cool.

You know we really love our donuts here.

I'm on it.

What could possibly stop me?

Oh, hey, Josh! How was karate?

Were you the best one there?

Becks, the only person

I'm trying to be better than

is the person I was yesterday.

- Mm.
- And today, I kicked

Yesterday Josh's ass!

Yeah, you did!

Oh. Oh!

Mmm, what smells so good?

Oh, I made you something.

It's called noodle kugel.

It's a Jewish thing. I
figured, I don't know,

I've had your people's food.

You've never had my people's food.

It's delicious.

It's my bubbe's recipe.

Oh, bubbe would've hated you.

She was really racist.

It was a different
time, but still... wrong.

Anyway, you hungry?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I had a sushi burrito after karate.

Oh, that's okay. No worries.

See, that's what I love about you.

- You love me?
- Love about you.

Love about me... right,
right, right, got it.

Like, I know that you're
not gonna get mad at me,

because I didn't eat the Jewish noodles.

We're independent.

You know, we come
together when we want to,

and when we don't, we
stay in our own lanes.

Lanes, exactly! Exactly.

Uh, all right, so no kugel for now.

Do you want to watch a
movie just like in a chilling

in own... lanes type of way?

It's just, I-I don't know.

Feel like I haven't
seen you in a forever.

You've had a thing
every night this week.

I have plans.

Football at Hector's house.

And I know how you hate football.

I don't hate football.

I-I get why it's fun, it just

kind of propagates the
ideology of physical dominance

and the economic subjugation
of the working poor.

Plus the concussions. It
should be illegal, LOL.


What are you doing Friday?

Shoot, Friday I got a thing.

Just another guy thing.

But, Josh, that's the
thing... I love guy stuff.

I'm, like, such a guy.

When I was a kid, people
thought I was a guy all the time.

It turned out I had a hormone imbalance.

It was a very, it was
a very... hard time.

But-but, yeah, I'm down to do whatever.

What are you doing Friday, broseph?

Just going to a new
place called The Paddle.

It's a Ping-Pong cocktaileria.

It's pretty fun.

Wait, hold on a second.

Did you say Ping-Pong?

Josh, shut up.

Shut up. Shut your stupid face.

- What... ?
- No,

Josh, shut up! Shut up right now!

You know that

I was a teenage Ping-Pong champion.

I was the Junior Miss
Table Tennis Champion

for the Eastern Northern
Seaboard County District.

Seriously? The Junior
Miss Table Tennis Champion

for the Eastern Northern
Seaboard County District?

How do I not know that already?

I don't know. Maybe we
should hang out more.

Maybe we should live together.

- Oh...
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's true.

This is great.

I mean, you should come by and
give us a few pointers, then.

Oh, my God, I couldn't.
I'm-I'm so rusty, but okay!



♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪

♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪

♪ Therefore, you
can't call her crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪

♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪


Hello, men!

What's with her?

I don't know, but I'll find out.

I'm her best friend.

Everyone knows that, right?

Everyone knows you say it.

Same thing, right?

Hey, babe. What's up?

Nothing. Never mind.

If I told you,

it would, you know, violate

the no-shenanigans clause
of our friend contract.

Oh. But basically, I have to learn

how to be, like, a competition-level

Ping-Pong player in a day.

Wow. Okay. Anyways, listen...

- You're not!
- I am.

I'm applying to law school!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Law school! Esquire! Esquire!

Paula! Paula! Esquire!
Paula! Esquire... Paula.

What word do you want to
chant? Just let me know.

I can't choose. They're all awesome.

Okay, listen. It doesn't matter.

I need a letter of recommendation.

Rebecca Nora Bunch,
would you do me the honor?

Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes.


Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay, I need that by Friday, okay?

I'll get it done
today. Oh, God, Rebecca.

Things are finally
starting to happen for me.

You know?

I can't believe it.

My dreams might actually... come true.

You so deserve it.




♪ When I was a little girl ♪

♪ I felt like a princess ♪

♪ So naive and full of hope ♪

♪ I thought my dreams
would come true ♪

♪ But then as I grew ♪

♪ The world was all like ♪

♪ Nope ♪

But this time, maybe,

just maybe...

♪ Maybe this dream
won't lead to disgrace ♪

♪ Maybe this dream is ♪

♪ Maybe this dream
won't poop on my face ♪

♪ Like a seagull at the beach ♪

♪ Maybe this dream won't
be like my wedding ♪

♪ The organ played
"There Goes the Bride" ♪

I came back.

♪ Maybe this dream won't
be like some maggots ♪

♪ Feasting on the rotting
deer carcass of my pride ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Maybe this dream won't
be like my vibrator ♪

♪ Breaking when I need it most ♪

♪ Tweedle deedle Dee! ♪

♪ Maybe this dream
won't be like Ebola ♪

♪ Eating the flesh of its host ♪

♪ Tweedle deedle Doo! ♪

- ♪ Maybe this dream won't be like ♪
- ♪ Tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet ♪

- ♪ When I go running ♪
- ♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ And I have to take a dump ♪

♪ So I have to rush home ♪

♪ Plus I also have my period ♪

♪ So I have menstrual
cramps plus dump cramps ♪

♪ And as I run frantically ♪

♪ I pee just a little ♪

♪ Because I've had two babies ♪

♪ So by the time I get home ♪

♪ My undies smell like a sewer rat ♪

♪ Maybe this dream
won't be like that ♪

♪ Maybe this dream will
finally make me feel ♪

♪ Like I deserve ♪

♪ A... ♪

♪ Dream. ♪

Paula Proctor. How may I help you?

No, don't even worry about
it. It's my pleasure. Yeah.

Okay. Nope. Thank you.

Rebecca told me you're
applying to law school.

- Ee!
- And so...

I took the liberty of writing you

♪ A recommendation. ♪

Oh. Well, um, here's the thing.

Rebecca's actually doing it for me,

'cause, I mean, we're besties.

- So...
- Oh. My... Yeah. Yeah.

Of course. Of course. I understand.

I mean, you and I are best
friends, and she's your bestie.

Whatever that is.

But you know what? If you
need a second recommendation,

consider it done.

No. Here's the thing. I don't.

So, um, but, like, thank you.

Well, that's cool. That's cool.

I'll just hang on to this, and...

you know, maybe do another draft,

another polish, as they say.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Everything could always
use a little improvement.

Just like a friendship.

- Can I help you?
- Hi.

I'm Xiao Huang,

2016 San Gabriel Valley
Junior Table Tennis Champion.

Do you know where I can find...

Ooh, ooh! That's mine! That's mine!

He's with me! He's with
me! Hi, I'm Rebecca.

Hi. Do you need coffee

before we get started? Espresso? No.

I just think if it's really meant to be,

you don't need to manufacture
some fake enthusiasm

for Josh's hobby.

Isn't a relationship all
about meeting in the middle?

Okay, Dr. Ruth, I'm
paying you for Ping-Pong,

not the hokey-pokey
about the hanky-panky.

Oh, that's funny. Should I tweet that?

Let's just get back to Ping-Pong.

How do I hold the paddle?

Do I hold it like this or like this?

You hold it like this.

No, wait, I look dumb.

I need to look hot. Can you do that?

Sexy Ping-Pong. Copy that.


There he is.

Mr. Leaving Las Vegas,

but with an inspirational ending.

Kev, don't.

I get it. You want to
downplay your courage.

I understand.

I'm just so proud of you, man.

You inspired me to quit kettle chips.

That's my gateway drug.

That's not a drug. It's a potato.

Also, you no longer have to
serve alcoholic beverages.

And... I've taken beer-battered
shrimp off the menu.

Oh, God.

Hey, Greg. Heard you finally

figured out you're an alcoholic.

I'm happy for you.

- Thanks?
- Yeah, I had an ex-boyfriend

who went to rehab for his Oxy addiction.

Lot of ups and downs.

- May he rest in peace.
- He died?

No, but I hope he does.

He stole a lot of 20s out of my purse.

Anyway, I'm pulling for you, buddy.

We all are.

Guys, I appreciate your
support, but can we just...

do our jobs and not
talk about this so much?

I understand. We should
keep things normal.

That's what we should do. Yeah.

Listen up, gang!

Be normal!

Greg does not want
to treated differently

for his alcohol addiction!

So, be cool.

Be cool.

Emergency meeting called by Serrano...

Did you tell him about you and Rebecca?

You said you were gonna.

I haven't seen him, no one has.

He hasn't been around. I will tell him

- at some point.
- Gentlemen.

What do you think Serrano wants?

Uh, I don't know.
Maybe we should ask him,

since he's right there. He's...

waving us over? 'Sup, man?

You ghosted on us. Where you been?

Yeah, what's this meeting about?

Okay, guys, give him a break.

He's trying to tell us.
Greg, whatever this is,

it concerns all of us. Or... right?

Y-You asked us all to come
here because, uh, you...

I mean, you're not putting any
one individual on blast, right?


- what?
- Shh! Let him talk.

Greg, you have the floor.

Sit down, guys.

Here's the thing. I'm...

sorry I've been M.I.A.

And that I lied to you.

My mom didn't have
botched plastic surgery.

Though she did get her nose done
recently and it looks amazing.

But the truth is,

I have been dealing with some things.


Like I got a DUI,

spent a night in jail,
turns out I'm an alcoholic.

I've been going to meetings
and I'm trying to stay sober.

That's it, bingo, bango, done. Beers?


Wow, dude, this is... heavy.

I know. It's a shock, right?


Or not a shock.

Yeah, no, not really.
Sort of saw that coming.

I'm shocked.

A-And upset. Greg, I'm sorry.

I'm so... sorry.

I feel terrible.

If I did anything to
contribute to this in any way...

- What?
- I-I... In...

I was the one with the
fake ID in high school.

At every party, I would dare
you to drink the whole bottle

because I thought it
was funny or something.

God, I don't know if I can
live with myself anymore.

Weirdly, this isn't about you.

It's okay. Don't give Josh a hard time.

My sponsor, Guardrail...

That's his biker name.
It's a long story.

He has a friend named Throttle.

It's a very colorful group of people.

I-I'm not supposed to
say names, but I think

nicknames are okay, but just don't

tell any of your biker
friends... Just cover our bases.

But anyway, Guardrail said

some people in my life would
take it harder than others.

It's... it's all right, Josh.

No one caused this.

It's me. And I'm working on it.

Well, I'm proud of you. Cheers, Greg.

Don't cheers an alcoholic, dumb-ass.

It's a light beer, idiot-ass.

White Josh is right. I-I don't think

we should be drinking around you.

No, it's okay. I...

You don't have the problem, I do.

You guys can drink, I can't.

Let me show you what I mean.

Come on.

♪ Gather ye 'round and
I'll tell you a tale ♪

♪ Of all the great times ♪

♪ I've had with an ale ♪

♪ There's joy and there's glory ♪

♪ More than you can think ♪

♪ Yes, this is what
happens to me when I drink ♪

♪ I pee my pants, my pants ♪

♪ I pee my pants ♪

♪ I get up from the bar
to find pee on my pants ♪

♪ I say it's water ♪

♪ But all it takes is a glance ♪

♪ For people to realize
I peed my pants ♪

Wow, I did not know it was that bad.

♪ Yes, wine can be fun...
White, rosé and red ♪

♪ Till I call up my boss,
say I wish he was dead ♪

♪ Chase down the regret
with some gin for good luck ♪

♪ Then steal my cousin
Jim's landscaping truck ♪

♪ Drive home, then I
puke on my cat, my cat ♪

♪ I puke on my cat ♪

♪ I fall through the
doorway and puke on my cat ♪

♪ Poor little Bruno
did not expect that ♪

♪ I try for the toilet,
but puke on my cat ♪

♪ While some can enjoy ♪

♪ A scotch with a steak ♪

♪ Or one glass of wine ♪

♪ Then they're barely awake ♪

♪ For me it's much different ♪

♪ What happens when ♪

♪ I try to have one ♪

♪ It just turns into ten ♪

♪ And then... ♪

♪ I fly a plane ♪

♪ A plane, I fly a plane ♪

♪ I knock on the cockpit, shouting ♪

♪ "I'll fly this plane" ♪

♪ We emergency
landed, the TSA came ♪

♪ Now I'm banned from Southwest
'cause I try to fly planes ♪


♪ He has sex with a bush ♪

♪ A bush, he has sex with a bush ♪

That wasn't a woman?

♪ No, it was a bush ♪

♪ It had twigs and leaves,
'cause it was a bush ♪

♪ That's where that
scar comes from ♪

♪ From sexing a bush ♪

♪ But he's breaking the
cycle and making a push ♪

♪ He's quitting his drinking ♪

♪ And saving his pants ♪

♪ And his cat and
Southwest and Jim's truck ♪

- ♪ And my car ♪
- ♪ My car, too ♪

♪ And the bush! ♪

I didn't do anything wrong. Yes!

Again, not about you.

Dear God, thank you for this boba.

Bless the hands that have
rolled these tapioca balls.

Is that how boba is made? I'm not sure.

Don't you only say grace before a meal?

Boba is a drink that you eat.

Okay, dude, listen.

I'm in a rough place.

Greg is an alcoholic.

I can't tell him about me and Rebecca.

He's in such a fragile state. I...

I don't think he could handle it.

- Okay, so...
- Now, I know what you're gonna say

"Be honest, blah, blah, blah."

You know, "Jesus likes honesty,

blah, blah, blah."

But Jesus didn't have
sex with his friend's ex.

I mean, not that I know of, anyway.

Maybe he did. I don't know.

Josh, stop.

I think your impulse to
not tell Greg is wise.

And mature.

What? No.

Thank you. Really?

Telling Greg would be selfish.
It would only alleviate

your own guilt, blah, blah, blah,

Which I guess is how I sound to you?


Josh, you're right.

Greg has a lot on his plate right now.

Don't add to it.


I'm right about this?

Great. Because I really

didn't want to tell him.

Uh, well, uh, you are
gonna have a chance

to practice not telling him right now.

So... there's this thing in recovery

where you own up to your mistakes.

And I'm just starting to do that now,

and I know I need to start with you.

Oh, Greg, you do not have to do this.

Please, just let me get this out.

I am so sorry about the French fries.


You know that time when we went out

after seeing your
friend's terrible band,

and you ordered French fries

and I ate all of them
because I was wasted?

When I think of myself
doing that, I am...

That was so selfish of me.

And I'm sorry.

Wow, I'm really glad

- you reached out about that.
- You are?

No, I don't remember that at all,

but I will take your French fry apology

and apply it to other stuff.

Okay. That works.

Did he see me?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- He saw me? Okay, I'm gonna walk

right up to him, say a quick
hello, and boom, I'm cool.

Yeah. Dude, this is
gonna go great for you.


Oh, hey.

Nice to see you guys. How are you?

Hey, man, we didn't get
to talk much earlier.

I heard about you and
Valencia... that's rough.

Where are you staying?

Wh... Where am I staying?

Where do I...


Where do you hang your hat?



I have an Airbnb in Claremont.

It belongs to a celebrity.

He uses it as his weekend house.

What celebrity weekends in Claremont?

Oh, I'm not supposed to
tell anyone. I mean...

It's Josh Hutcherson, but
you didn't hear that from me.

Yeah, he goes there

when he wants to feel
down to earth, yeah.

Look, Josh, I know you're weirded out

by the whole alcoholic thing.

I know it's coming from
a place of friendship.


Thank you. I... I
think it's kind of nice.

I slept with Rebecca!

Oh. There it is.

I'm sorry, what? It was
the night of the wedding

and I'm so sorry.

You're really good at secrets, Josh.

You slept with Rebecca that night.

That makes sense.

I was being a drunk jerk

and abandoned her by blacking out.

I can't blame you guys.

- I-I have to take responsibility...
- Okay, wait.

Before you forgive me, you should know

it wasn't just the one time.

It's been, uh...

- More than once.
- Yeah, um,

it's been a lot of times, and
I'm sort of staying with her.

And there is no celebrity
Airbnb in Claremont.

I don't know famous
people. I wish I did.

I mean, I sold a karaoke
machine to Michael Madsen

Stop talking.

At Aloha once...

It's okay, Josh. It's cool.

I don't need to know any
more information. We're cool.

Oh, God.

I feel so much better.

Let's just put this behind us.


Are you sure?





What a mess.

Yeah. Good job.

I'm sorry, did you just bro-hug

the guy that's sleeping
with your ex-girlfriend?


Okay, but you're, like,
upset about it, right?

You really liked Rebecca.

You dicked me over for her.

It's, like, kind of important to me

that you be upset about this, Greg.

Listen, what Rebecca and I had
together was an undefined thing,

followed by a nightmare wedding date.

And then I didn't call her for a month.

Dude, you're getting sober...
You're not turning into a robot.

It's okay to have feelings.

It's fine. I'm okay.

I'm, uh... I'm doing amazing.

Mm-hmm. I'm bringing donuts

to my next meeting. I know that
doesn't sound like a big deal,

but it is. Oh, it is.

So, I, um, actually
have to go to work now.

I'm working a double.

Yeah, but... Take care, Heather.

♪ Whooptie freakin' do ♪

♪ My best friend is sleeping
with my ex behind my back ♪

♪ Who cares? ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ But I could if I wanted... ♪

Hey. Oh.

- What are you doin'?
- Oh,

I'm just, uh, stretchin' for
my private Ping-Pong lesson

in the conference room
with an 11-year-old child.

Of course.

'Cause that makes perfect sense.

Okay. Hey, listen, I
just came in to remind you

that today is Friday.

Oh, thank God. Friday. TGIF.

Oh! Full House, Family Matters,
Step by Step.

Okay, no, you were supposed to, um,

give me that letter of
recommendation by today.

Oh. Right.

Oh, oh, oh, the letter,
the letter, the letter.

Okay, can I get it to you tonight?

At literally, like, 2:00 a.m.

Can you submit it at 2:00 a.m.?

Yes. Yep.

Yeah, that's no problem at all.

I mean, or, you know, I could...

I could just use
Darryl's letter, I guess.

No. Oh, come on,

don't use Darryl's letter.

I mean, I love the guy, but,
I mean, he can't even spell

the word "separate."

- No, I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Okay.

I don't know, I'm just
kind of getting the feeling

that maybe you don't...
want to write the letter.

Oh, my God, no. You're hurting my heart.

Of course I want to write it.

Ugh! But Xiao just got here

and I don't want to be rude,

because he's an
11-year-old child.

But, Paula, I will write it, okay?

I promise. I always keep my promises.

A Lannister always pays her debts.

I just started on season
one. So no spoilers.


Darryl, what were you doing?

Ned Stark dies, by the way.

No, but he's the show.

Don't get too used to Robb either.


You know what,

you're getting a lot better at this.

And do I... do I look hot?

Uh, yeah?

Thank you, young man.

Oh, this is so great.

'Cause when Josh sees
that I'm good at Ping-Pong,

he's gonna know that
I'm 'ol and independent

and he's gonna be really impressed.

And I know exactly what
he's gonna say to himself.

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Bros, beer, sports! ♪

♪ When she walked into
the Ping-Pong hall ♪

♪ Casually tossing
a Ping-Pong ball ♪

♪ I could tell she's
the most perfect girl ♪

♪ Who's ever existed ♪

♪ Dude! ♪

♪ Oh, man, look at
her pong that ping ♪

♪ When she plays, she doesn't
care if anyone's watching ♪

♪ She does it for herself and
that puts my fears to rest ♪

♪ Bro! ♪

♪ After each rally ♪

♪ She chugs beer instead of water ♪

♪ She's so aloof,
it borders on cold ♪

♪ And that's what
makes me want her ♪

♪ Ping-Pong girl ♪

♪ She's so independent ♪

♪ This fantasy beats
out flight attendant ♪

♪ She's playing Ping-Pong
on her own terms ♪

♪ So I'm the pursuer ♪

♪ Pursuer ♪

♪ Ping-Pong girl ♪

♪ Her forehand is a jet stream ♪

♪ And her backhand's
right out of a sex dream ♪

♪ And that's the best messy bun
I've ever seen in the world ♪

♪ My P-P-Ping-Pong
girl ♪

♪ Girl, girl ♪

♪ Dudes sing these kinds of songs! ♪

♪ Whoa, bro ♪

♪ Sega, jock itch! ♪

♪ When she serves the ball ♪

♪ Look how she throws it ♪

♪ She's so hot but
she doesn't know it ♪

♪ She probably just found
that outfit laying around ♪

♪ Like in the trash! ♪

♪ Look at her skill on the
Ping-Pong... uh, court? ♪

♪ Nothing's hotter than a
chick who's good at sports ♪

♪ Whoa! She scored 1,000 points ♪

♪ I think I love her ♪

♪ That's a lot of points! ♪

♪ Ping-Pong shows that she
has control over her body ♪

♪ But it doesn't
threaten my masculinity ♪

♪ Like basketball or hockey ♪

♪ Ping-Pong girl ♪

♪ She's like Serena or Venus ♪

♪ Just watching her
swing affects my penis ♪

♪ You know, us dudes, we love
to talk about our penises ♪

♪ Our penises ♪

♪ Ping-Pong girl ♪

♪ She's so indifferent ♪

♪ It makes me want a
tangible commitment ♪

♪ She and I should give a
30-year mortgage a whirl ♪

♪ My P-P-Ping-Pong
girl ♪

♪ Girl, girl ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Marriage! ♪

♪ Girl, girl ♪

♪ Let's share a Costco card! ♪

♪ Girl, gir... ♪

Up, one,

two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Why are all my friends
in love with this girl?

So she's still working

on the recommendation?

Uh, yeah. But I'm... It's okay.

She's gonna get it to me tonight.

I mean, she's got a
lot of work to do, okay?

She's got a lot going on in her life.

She's busy. I mean,

I shouldn't have asked
her for such a big favor.

What? I don't think
it's such a big favor.

I mean, after everything
you've done for her...

- That she didn't ask for.
- She did ask you

to throw a rock
through a window and...

Okay, okay.

Look, she's-she's
young, she's confused...

Wow, you are really
making excuses for her.

- More than you would for our kids.
- That's 'cause she's better

than our kids, Scott, okay?

She didn't pull a knife
on Aunt June, for starters.

Paula, she owes you.


Oh. No, no, no, no.

Uh-uh. She does not owe me, okay?

She is my friend, and she is busy.

And, you know, I don't know,

maybe she thinks this whole
law school thing is dumb, okay?

Maybe it is. I'm old.

Maybe-maybe it's too late.

Maybe-maybe this whole thing is dumb.

It's not dumb!

Your dreams are not dumb.

And I know Rebecca doesn't think that.

She's a very smart girl.

Ha. Suck my paddle, losers!
All right, let Mama have some.

Okay, no, no, Daddy's
gonna take that one.

Okay. All right, all right.
Goldilocks wants some porridge.

Okay. Oh... O-Okay, you got it.

All right. Okay. Yep.

I thought you said she was a champion.

She did say she was rusty.

Okay, Attaboy! Attaboy, Xiao!

Yeah, yeah. I'm with him, I'm with him!

- Dude, where's Greg?
- Yeah.

- He should be here by now.
- He's probably on his way.

I'll get him a beer.

- Dude.
- What?

I don't know the rules.

There's one rule.

You guys told Greg to come here?


Why would you do that?

Why do you care?

Oh, my God. You told him?

You told me to tell him.

Tell him what?

Josh and Rebecca are having sex

- and basically living together.
- What?!

We're not living together.

I'm just crashing at her apartment.

Okay, you tell yourself that.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up.

So Greg knows that you
and Rebecca are together.

Oh, no.

Greg is probably freaking
out. Is that why he's not here?

He said he was gonna come
here right after his meeting.

He should be here.

Yeah, where is he?

Your boy never showed with the donuts.

Shut up, Hubcap.

You never put the new guy on donuts.

Yeah, I know.

I thought he could handle it.

Quick question. Let me
just clear something up.

You told Hector about you
and Rebecca and not me?


Uh, you're a little judgy.

You're a lot judgy.

You're like Judge Reinhold.

Not a judge.

Guys, I'm really starting to worry.

He said he'd be here.

Drunk or not, Greg is prompt.

So, what do you guys
think? I'm a little rusty

from my Eastern Northern
Seaboard County District days,

but, you know, it's coming back to me.

It's like riding a
bicycle. What's wrong?

Greg is supposed to be here. He's late.

And the guys are worried he's
drinking again, because...

well, he's an alcoholic.

I know. I'm not supposed to tell people,

but this is an emergency.

Uh, okay. What makes you
think he's drinking again?

Because I told him the
truth about you and me.

You did what?

Josh, you-you told Greg about us?

Remember, you and I decided
it was wrong to have sex,

- because Greg didn't know about us.
- Uh-huh.

So when I found out
about the alcoholic thing,

I decided I was definitely
not gonna tell Greg.


And then I told Greg.


Okay, um...

How did he take it?

Guess not great,

'cause he's disappeared.

Yeah. Good job, you horny monsters.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That sound judgy?


- Just, not now, Chiphunk.
- Chiphunk?

She thinks you look like
a giant buff chipmunk.

I'll take it.

Okay, maybe we're
overreacting. Maybe Greg's fine.

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

- He said he was fine, like, ten times.
- Guys, guys.

You know that when Greg says he's fine,

that's when he's not fine.

- You know that.
- Maybe they're right.

Maybe Greg is fine.

He'll just have a few and sleep it off.

One rule!

Oh! That's the rule!

Okay. Yeah. We should
definitely find him right now.

Home Base is closed.

So if he's out there getting messed up
and drinking again, he won't be there.

I could try the beer
garden on East Cameron.

I'll try the gastropub on East Cameron.

- Should we carpool?
- Smart.

Okay, okay. And where should I go?

- A-a-and where should I go?
- No!

Not you two.

You stay away.

Well, I can stay here
in case he shows up.

- That's smart.
- Thanks.

I was a Boy Scout for years.

I've got to go find
him. I-I can't stay here.

Well, how are you gonna do that?

Paula, thank you so much
for helping me find Greg.

And... voilá!



What are you doing here?

Everyone's looking for you.

Not me. I wasn't looking for you.

I just like ducks.

Look, I know you know
about... me and Josh.

I'm sorry you found out the way you did.


I wanted to tell you myself,

but I didn't know where you were.

I got a single text from you

and then you disappeared for a month.


I was embarrassed.

I'm sure you heard.

DUI, alcoholic, blah, blah, blah.

I heard. Yeah.
I'm... I'm sorry.

I really have been doing a lot better.

But then I heard about you and Chan.

And... you had a drink?

No, no. I didn't. I wanted to.

I thought about it. I almost did.

I picked out a drink,

and a glass, and ice.

And instead, I hit a wall.


- Punched the hell out of a wall.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, ouch.
- Yeah.

No, no. I'm okay.

It's actually good.

At least I didn't use
alcohol to block an emotion.


At... the night of the wedding,

you... completely broke my heart,

but that's no excuse
for me to be sleeping

with your best friend, and I'm so sorry.

I don't need an apology from you.

Rebecca, when I first met you, I said,

"You're ignoring me, so
you're obviously my type."

I picked you because you
weren't interested in me.

That's funny, because by
the end of the wedding,

you weren't interested in me.

The funny thing is,

and not "ha-ha" funny, sad funny,

the reason I got a DUI... was
because I was driving over

the next morning to tell
you that I loved you.

But... I blew my shot.

And that's my fault.

Life went on without me, and...

You and Josh...

You should be happy together.

You're happy, right?

And he treats you well?



Then everything worked out fine.

Wow. You're like...

you're like this new enlightened person.

Not really; not yet.

Someday, I hope.

Hey! Rebecca.

Sorry. I need a ride back to Torrance.

Yeah. Hold on a second.

- Greg, this is Xiao.
- Hi.

We are wearing matching outfits...

Oh, no, no. I don't...

I-I don't need to know. It's fine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Here's the letter you asked for.

I should have written it
the second you asked for it,

so please forgive me

and my garbage self.

Oh, Rebecca.

You know that I thought for
a second, maybe you thought,

that me going to law
school was ridiculous.


No. No, no... Oh, no.

I'm so sorry that you-you
thought that for even a second.

Paula, you are so brave.

I had a conversation
with someone recently...

It was Greg, it was last night,

it was at a duck pond...

And it made me realize that
changing your life... is hard

and you deserve support.

I-I want to be there for you.

Don't read it in front of
me. I'll get embarrassed.

Oh, my God. This is so sweet.


Oh, the part...

It's true. It's all true.

You're the greatest
person I've ever met.

Cookie. Oh!

This is a... beautiful letter,

and I will,

I will treasure it forever.

But I had to turn in Darryl's letter

- because he gave it to me on time.
- Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- You know what? Don't be.

His letter was... not terrible.

Best friends for life.

What the hell are these?

These are the most
expensive donuts in the city.

Gourmet donuts from the
new place on East Cameron.

We like our usual place.

And you got one dinosaur-shaped donut?

What are we supposed to do
with that, fight over it?

I was trying to make it up to you.

Next time, just get what
you're supposed to get.

Better yet, just show up.

I think I can do that.

I hope I can.

Now, let's split this adorable
dinosaur before people see it.

Oh, you get the butt.


So he wasn't getting drunk.

He was just sitting there on
a bench with a box of donuts?

Yeah. He was fine.

He was great, actually.

He's like... he's learning
to process things differently.

He actually seemed like
he was in a great place.

Oh, whew.

Man, I am so relieved.

That is so good.

So, uh, hey.

It-it all kind of worked out.


Hey, you said you love video games.

Do you want to get in here?

Um, I'm not feeling

the video games right now.

Actually, I lied to you.

I don't, I don't like video games.

Just like you lied about Ping-Pong?

What was that about?

I was trying to spend
time with you, Josh.

That's what the whole stupid
Ping-Pong thing was about.

You know what, Josh? You live here.

You do, and you can
tell yourself whatever,

but... I deserve to be with
someone who treats me well.



Yeah. Whew. Wow.

Okay, yeah.


Oh. Hi, ma'am.

Ma'am, excuse me. You're on the ball.

Just... no, it's right...
Okay, so just move your foot

this way... this shouldn't
be this hard; this is funny.

Okay, no. Your skirt
is just so voluminous.

It's like you're in the 18th century.

I don't even know
where the ball is any...

Oh! Okay. You kicked it.

Also, you're not wearing any underwear.

Have a great day. Okay.


Hi. Sir, sir.

So... Oh! There's her underwear.