Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Josh's Sister Is Getting Married! - full transcript

Following Rebecca's "therapy" session with dream Dr. Akopian, she realizes that she has to make healthier choices in life, most specifically not obsessing over Josh. This revelation is timely as she is able to tell Josh that she did indeed have feelings for him when he finds her photo roll of him. Rebecca thinks she should get some distance from him, which is difficult when Josh's sister Jayma asks Rebecca to be one of her bridesmaids. However, Rebecca ultimately believes it is a good opportunity in making amends to Josh and Valencia by getting Jayma also to ask Valencia to be in the bridal party while truly making Valencia a shining star in the Chans' eyes as their future in-law. To do so, Rebecca will have to get over Valencia's mistrust and hatred of her while not falling into her old traps of doing everything to be with Josh. Rebecca's new outlook doesn't sit well with Paula, who has always come to Rebecca's rescue in the Josh matter, and which she feels she needs to this time as well. Meanwhile, Greg thinks he is acing his classes, while in reality he is deluding himself about the state of his life which includes not acing his classes. Greg sees an opportunity to help a struggling soul like himself when he meets Marty, a stock boy at his local supermarket, who is in love with one of the new clerks, Ally, who in return won't give him the time of day. This encounter with Marty may make Greg finally see the reality of his own life.

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...


Whatever happened with you and your ex?


Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.

- Do you love her?
- No.

You forgive me?

Of course, I forgive you, Joshy.

Love doesn't work out for me, ever.

Dr. Akopian: So you are unhappy.

Yeah. Duh.

Dr. Akopian: Maybe it's time you
see what else is in your life,

besides Josh Chan.

Oh, my gosh, you have changed my life,

Dr. Dream Ghost Akopian.

You made me see past

all of my delusions that
were holding me back.

Josh, you don't understand?

You don't see what this has

all been about for Rebecca?

Josh: Rebecca,

are you in love with me?

♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪

♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪

♪ And so I decided to move ♪

♪ To West Covina, California ♪

♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪

♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪

- ♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
- What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Why do you have all these photos?

Yep, okay, so here's what happened.

I had...


had feelings for you, indeed, yes.

God, this is awkward, um,

I came here to tell you that Valencia...

Valencia and you are staying together.

- No... I-I-I I gathered.
- Yeah.

I get it and that makes sense, yeah.

Josh, I'm actually
very glad you're here,

because, um, I realized some
things on my recent trip.

And, um, one of the things I realized

is that I need to break my old patterns.


Yes, uh, starting with...

(sighs) I've been horrible to
Valencia, like, really horrible,

and I really want to reach out to her.

- I really wouldn't.
- I really think I should.

She really hates your
guts. Understandable,

and I will just have to transcend that.

I am trying to break free of
anything unhealthy or damaging.

So, um, that starts
with, uh, trashing these.

Unless you want them.

- (both laugh)
- No, no, that's okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Although, um, you know, some
of those are great angles

that you can't get
with a selfie, so, uh...

- Sure, yeah, yes.
- Yeah.


Okay, well, there it is.

That's the last of the Josh Chan stuff.

There was stuff?


Well, I guess I should go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, get out.

- Get out of here.
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Josh.


Can I get another beer?
I'm trying to study.

Studying and drinking at
the same time: good decision.

I know, right?

It's easy. It's extension school.

I-I don't like to tell
a lot of people this,

but I got into Emory Business School.

It's a pretty good school.

They call it like the
Harvard of the South.

I thought the Harvard of
the South was Vanderbilt.

No. No. No.

Yeah, so I got into school,
and then my dad got sick,

so now I'm working my
way through school here.

You know? I can't be slinging

drinks to losers until
I'm like 60 years old.


Oh, boy, look at this. Just what I need.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I thought you drank at Home Base.

I drink anywhere, but I
do my study-drinking here.

Got it.

Can I pull up a stool next to you,

or do you want to... be alone?

I could go home and
drink some mouthwash.

Mouthwash, wow.

That's almost as sad as a girl coming to

a strange bar by herself.

Sad says the man with
an open textbook...

next to an open container.

This is fun. I like this.

Do you want to hang out for
a while and insult each other?

Ah, what would your
girlfriend think about that?

Um, Heather? Uh, yeah,
no, we're done-zo.

(blows raspberry)

Oh, wow. I had no idea.

Can I get you a drink?

Nothing goes better with a
fine lager than a little snark.

Wait. Go back to the Heather thing.

Are you okay? Let's-let-let's talk.

Talk is not on the bar menu,

but we could ask.

Okay, so, yeah, here's the thing.

Old me would have been totally down

for, like, an old-fashioned barb fest,

but I've decided recently

that I'm trying to change my patterns.

So I'm gonna go.

No, come on. Come on.

I'm a glutton for punishment.

Stay. Let's do this.

We can make bad decisions together.

We could run in traffic.

No? Okay.

Boy, she really digs you.

She's in love with someone else,

but I figure ten, 11 years of me trying,

I'm a lock.

Okay, what is happening?

Why are you throwing
out all this Josh stuff?

I told you, I've gone
cold turkey on the Chan.

I'm done. It's not good
for me, and you know that.

D... oh, G... you have to
keep the macaroni portrait.

That took two weeks.

No, no, Paula, I'm
breaking my old patterns.

Break old pat... I...
What does that even mean?

Did you go to a bumper sticker store?

No, I just realized a lot of
things on my trip to New York,

while I was in a bumper sticker store.

Okay, but you're right
about this, actually,

it has a lot of dry goods on it,

it actually could be useful
for my earthquake kit,

- so I will keep this.
- That's my girl.

But everything else goes in the trash.

- Hmm, hmm.
- Oh, come on.

(gasps) Not Channy bear. I forbid it.

Fine, maybe I'll just put Channy bear

on a high shelf in case
of a... bear-mergency.

But the rest of this is going, bye.

- Oh, come on...
- Bye, letters to Josh.

First drafts, second drafts.

- In the trash.
- No.

- Yep.
- That's...

- That's insanity.
- Nope. Nope.

Good-bye, Josh thong

that I never wo... I don't wear thongs.

Why did I even get this?

You have finally lost it.

You have left the reservation
and I-I can't... I'm not...

I can't watch it. I
don't care. I don't care.

I'm not supporting this. No, uh-uh.

Hey... I'm so nervous, aren't you?

That last test... (groans)

Was pretty easy, at least for me.

Wow, that's impressive.

You must be smart.

Yeah, well.

I-I don't like to tell
people this, but, um...

Oh, you don't have to tell me
something you don't like to...

I got into the Harvard of the South.

Emory? You know it?


The Harvard of the South is Duke.

No. No, no. Emory. Google it.

Professor: So, everyone,

overall there were some nice efforts,

but, uh, some of you, I'm
sad to say, fell short.

I'm really not sure
what rubric you're using

to grade these, but...

Doesn't take much of a rubric to see

that you didn't put in
much of an effort here.

Oh, well, you know, I work full-time.

My dad is sick.

I work two jobs and my husband is dead.

I am very sorry to hear that,

but I... was not involved.

Your next assignment
is an essay due Friday.

You can do better, Mr. Serrano.

You got into the Harvard
of the South, after all,

which you somehow managed
to mention on your test.

A multiple choice test.

So, you're busting my balls

about an intro class
at an extension school?

Cool, yeah. Makes sense.

Look, I don't know you very
well, but from where I stand,

it seems like you've made the
choice not to try or something.

Oh, please, don't you
worry about my decisions.

I will decide about my decisions.

(mocking the teacher):
Choosing not to try, Greg.

You got into Emory, Greg.

I mean, duh, I could have done better.

I could have gotten an “A”
on that test if I'd wanted to.

♪ Whoop-de-frickin'-do,
an “A” ♪

♪ What's an “A”? It's
just a letter on a page ♪

♪ Meant to distract
us from the pain ♪

♪ But it's not like any “A”
can make a difference in the day ♪

♪ Sure, I could get an “A”
if I wanted to get an “A” ♪

♪ But who cares about an “A”? ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ Although I could
have made that grade ♪

♪ If I did care ♪

♪ But I don't ♪

♪ But I could if I wanted to ♪

♪ Whoop-de-frickin'-do ♪

♪ Look at this guy in the
red and blue striped tie ♪

♪ Making millions till he dies ♪

♪ Selling bonds and stocks
to other guys in ties ♪

♪ Who have millions
with which to buy ♪

♪ A bunch of bonds
and stocks and ties ♪

♪ I'd rather die ♪

♪ Which I will
eventually, of course ♪

♪ But in the meantime ♪

♪ I could make millions selling
stocks and bonds and ties ♪

♪ If I tried ♪

♪ But I don't ♪

♪ But I could, but I don't ♪

♪ But I could if I wanted to ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, I could if I wanted to ♪

♪ Who cares? ♪

♪ Whoop-de-frickin'-do ♪

♪ A happy dad ♪

♪ With his big dad calves ♪

♪ And his stupid baseball cap ♪

♪ And his T-ball shirt ♪

♪ And dumb-ass son
throwing a ball ♪

♪ Like it's so important to
know how to throw a ball ♪

♪ Whoop-de-frickin'-do ♪

♪ Who cares about throwing a ball ♪

♪ Or having a kid ♪

♪ It'll get you nowhere in life ♪

♪ Not like getting
anywhere matters ♪

♪ Although I guess
it does if you care ♪

♪ Which I don't ♪

♪ But I could, but I don't ♪

♪ But I could if I wanted to ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Whoop-de-frickin'-do
if I wanted to ♪

♪ This song sucks ♪

♪ I could make it
good if I wanted to ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, I could if I wanted to. ♪

I could do that if I wanted to.

You're an idiot.


Oh, my God, this is nuts.

Okay, you can't give
up on Josh right now.

You are so close.

Paula, he picked Valencia.

Like, in front of my face.

Game over.

What? No.

Game has just begun.

Okay, you have antibodies to his saliva.

You cannot give up. You have traction.

He-he touched the side
of your boob, I saw it.

(doorbell rings)

- Can you get whoever that...
- Yeah, I will get that.

And... just... let's continue
the convo later, okay?

And if it's the people across
the street from that church,

just tell them I don't
believe and will never believe.


Hello, everyone in Josh's family.

Hi. Oh, my gosh.

I haven't seen you
since the last book club.

(squeals) I haven't
seen you got engaged.

How does it feel?

It feels like I've
been waiting seven years

for Phillip to propose, because I have.


Let me see the rock.

Oh, my gosh, I mean,

Phillip said he was going
for it, but... (whistles)

He said you were so helpful getting it.

Oh, it was no problem at all.

I helped my client, Moshe,

through a very complicated
subdivision deal,

and he said he could hook me up

with non-blood diamonds at a discount.

And never pass up a
good discount, right?

I know what you're thinking...
Like, diamonds, discounts,

those are some like
classic Jew moves, you know?

What are you doing here?

Jayma has something to ask you.

Look, I know that this is sudden,

and we haven't known
each other that long...

God, I feel like I'm
proposing or something.

You've been such a good
friend to the family.

You wrote Jastenity that
letter to get into Harvard.

Unfortunately the letter was
better than her application,

but she did get into
Cal State Northridge,

which is the Harvard of Northridge.

Yeah, it is.

There we go.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is,

how would you like to be
a bridesmaid at my wedding?

Paula: You mean,

be an official part
of the Chan fam-bam?

She'd love to.

You want me to be a bridesmaid.

Aw, you're such a lovely girl, Rebecca.

We would be so honored if you would

become a part of our family wedding.

And you are the perfect height

to pair with Phillip's friend, Daniel,

who stopped growing
after being a kid gymnast.

Um, actually,

I-I don't know if I should.


Paula: Okay, hey, why
don't we just... ?

O-One second, Chan ladies.

Come here. One...

One-one second.

Okay, this would kill Valencia.

Dead. Down in the ground.

Like a bug. Legs in the air.

Now she's a ghost, boo.

Okay, but, Paula, what
have I been saying?

I need to disengage and
disentangle from dis family.

Know what I'm saying?

Seriously, I-I want to
make amends to Valencia,

and this is like the opposite of that.

Yeah, okay, well, who says
no to being a bridesmaid?

You can't do that.

I mean, who does that? Monster people.

- I have a question.
- No.

Is Valencia a bridesmaid?

Uh, not exactly.

By that she means no.

Like, ew, no.

Here's the thing, I-I'd
love to be a bridesmaid,

but I don't think it would be fair

for me to be a bridesmaid
and for Valencia not to be.

I guess you're right.

And Josh has asked for Valencia

to be a bridesmaid about 50 times, so...

Great, so you get
what I'm trying to say.

So you can both be in the wedding.

Sorry, what's that?


You and Valencia can
both be bridesmaids.

That way you don't have to worry
about her not being included.

Very wise, Jayma.

It's settled, then.

Yeah, it is! (all laughing)


I know you, from Spider's.

You were the sourpuss

fighting with the girl
in the shiny dress.

Hey, I'm, I'm not a sourpuss.

I'm pensive and deep.

Are you dusting potatoes?

I like to look busy.

Well, you're out of dark roast.

I can't study without dark roast.

Could you get on that?

Oh, yeah, sure, uh, no problemo.



She's cute.

Are we being pleasant now?

Sorry, I don't know your rules.

So, you two an item?

Me and Ally? Oh, I wish.

She quit her job

as a manager at a Whole
Foods, came to work here.

I could not figure out
why for the longest time.

And then I realized...

Greg: Hey, I know that guy.

♪ Grocery clerk with
half an eyelid. ♪

His name is Brody.

I can't compete with him.

He has the flattop of a Greek god.

- This!
- (both laugh)

Whoa, you are so good at magic.

How do you do it?

Uh-uh-uh. A true magician
never reveals his secrets.

Come on, Brody.

So you like her.


I don't have a shot.

I mean, look at her.

I should give up.

I know that's the right decision.

Are you sure... she doesn't like you?

Watch this.



Ally, though.

That's my type, too.



Oh, that's so hot.

Okay, bro, I gotcha.

I know exactly what you need to do.

So, you and Valencia are friends?

Uh, kinda.

I'd say we share a history
of common interests.

Of course, she's late.

She's the kind of person
that has to make an entrance.

You know what? I don't
think that's fair.

I wouldn't stereotype
her as someone that...

Oh, sorry I'm late.

I just had some pictures taken

for my Hometown Hotties
submission to Maxim.


We ready to try on some dresses?

Jas, come on.

Let's go pick out the
first round of dresses.

(whispering): This is beautiful.

- Hey.
- Whoa!

Hey, Valencia, hi, oh,

uh, this is going to be so fun.

Are you ready to be,
like, bridesmaid buddies?

I want to make myself very, very clear.


I know what happened.

I know about the kiss.

And if it were any other situation,

I would take off my earrings,
my extensions, and my wings,

and curb-stomp you.

Got it, that's fair.

But, for some reason, you're the one

that got me into this wedding party.

Josh told me it was all you.

- He did?
- Yep. I mean,

I don't know why you
did it, but I don't care.

Just stay out of my way

and don't make me look
bad to these people.

Hey, Valencia, I can
do better than that.

I can make you look good.

Yeah, yeah, like, by the end of this,

they're going to want to adopt you.

But maybe that's not, like,
precisely what you want, but...

Oh, just shut up.


How about this?

This seems like a style

that would work on everyone. Well,

most of us.

Valencia's right.

Uh, you know, uh, two-piece,

halter, mesh dress might work
well for you very lean ladies,

but, yeah, not for this
festival of back fat going on.


Okay, well,

what about... this?

Oh, my God.

Those are such beautiful nipple covers.

Yeah, those would definitely cover

most of my nipples.

Yeah, guys, let me remind you,

I eat bagels at night... Valencia knows.

She knows all about my
night bagels... tell 'em, V.

Here's what you didn't know.

For my midnight bagel,

I eat it with butter,
cream cheese, and...

- bacon.
- (all laugh)

Seriously. S-R-S-L-Y.

Like, true story.

Okay, so why don't we

try different styles in the same color?

That's a great idea. That's so Ni...

You know what? I'm
gonna go out on a limb

and say that's, like, really gracious.

It is, actually, a,

a good idea.

That's the plan.

So you kids can go crazy

with your halters and your
sheaths and your cutouts,

and I will wear a dress
fit to upholster a chair.

And I will wear it with pride.

Rebecca, come on.

Yeah, you're not that disgustingly fat.

Aw, thank you, Valencia.

- Thank you.
- (laughter)

(startled yell)


What have we said about standing places,

quietly waiting for people?

I forgot.

Okay, so how did it go with
Valencia at the dress shop?

Did you find any weaknesses?

I was thinking that we could
use your role as bridesmaid

to really mess her up.

My first thought was
poison oak in the dress.

Rashy nips, instant classic. Paula.

What? We're not doing any of that.

- We're not.
- No.

We're just acting like normal people.

I'm going to be like any other teenage

ex-boyfriend's sister's
last-minute bridesmaid.

Yeah, so just be cool.

Understood. I have my orders.

Where can a person buy poison oak,

and what is the rashiest kind?

(phone dings)

Female Voice: Richard Kind
is a 59-year-old actor,

best known for his role in Spin City.

No. Poison oak, rashiest kind.

(phone dings)

Jim Rash is the award-winning
writer of The Descendants.

Come on.

You're sure this is a good idea?

Dude, she doesn't like you.

She's shown no interest.

She's way into someone else.

Why give up now?

This is the right move.

Um, can I have everyone's
attention, please?

Hey! Hey!

Hey, someone's trying
to let it rip here.

- Thank you, Greg.
- You're welcome.

(clears throat)

This goes out to a young lady

currently restocking feminine products.

It's called “Clean Up on Aisle 4.”

Not an actual cleanup, Rick.

♪ Clean up my heart on Aisle 4 ♪

♪ 'Cause that's where it lays
in a heap of green olives ♪

♪ From the olive bar ♪

(mouthing) ♪ 'Cause I'm
the pimento to your olive ♪

♪ I want to be inside of you ♪

♪ But instead my
heart is on the floor ♪

♪ Being crushed like ♪
♪ The garlic we sell by the door. ♪

(whispering): Oh, my God, it's working.

Look out, everybody, it's my body!


Whee! Teach me, teach me!

Uh-uh, it's too hard.

You didn't tell me he was a gymnast.

He can do anything.

(phone chimes)

Eh, can we get back to
work, or am I boring you?

I am so sor... I'm sor... it's a...

it's a bridesmaid text chain.

It's about... it's about
the word “cummerbund”"

It's... it's a funny word.

Sorry. Let's get back to the case.

The case? Who cares about the case?

When are you getting
the bridesmaid gowns?

'Cause I got a guy in Maine

who's going to send me some
primo itchy, sticky plants.

And he said he was going to
throw in a couple deer ticks

for, you know, a little extra...

Um, what are you talking about?

Our plan - rashy nips.

- Oh.
- I say

we roll the dice for, you know,

some possible Lyme disease.

- I have so much to say...
- (phone chimes)

Hold on one second.

Oh, oh, it's from Jayma.

It says emergency. SOS. 411.

She means 911.

I wonder if Phillip got cold feet.

I have to go.

- What?
- I have to go, I'm sorry.

What about our plan?

There's no plan.


The dance we do.

- Hey, what's the emergency?
- I don't know, do you?


There's something I need to tell you.

And it won't be easy.

My dress is done early,
and I brought champagne!

(all screaming)

- (cork pops)
- (whooping)

- Oh, man.
- Wow.

All: Cheers!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Valencia's so funny.

Oh, Valencia, tell them about
the part with the old lady.

Yeah, so, this 90-year-old
lady was in downward dog,

and I said to her, “Okay,
just breathe into it.”

And she said,

“If I breathe into it any
harder, I'm gonna toot.”


Oh, she's so funny.

She has a million yoga
stories like these.

They're great.

Well, I've been practicing my humor.

I watched an online tutorial.

This was so much fun, you guys.

When Joshy and I get married,

I want all of you to be in the wedding.

Except for you.

I mean, would it kill
you to say something?

Jastenity: She's not wrong, Ruby.

You're a dud.

Ah, man, I am tipsy.

This was so fun.

Oh, Jas, we got to go meet
mom at the cake-tasting.

Can you guys stay and make skee

the dress gets packed away perfectly?

Like no wrinkles or bubbles.

Absolutely. We're on it.

Valencia and I got this.

Yep, we got it.

Thanks, V.

You know, we all
thought you were heinous,

but you're kind of okay.


- All right, bye, ladies.
- Bye, Jayma.

Drink a glass of water.


(door bell jingles)

They don't think I'm heinous anymore.

Jastenity even offered
me a half stick of gum.

I said no because I
bloat, but still...


Well, I guess we should, um,

get the girls to pack
up this big-ass dress.

Yeah, okay.

Hmm, wow.

Wow, this would look even worse
on me than some of the others.

Oh, come on, stop.

I mean, you make jokes about your body,

and they're pretty funny
and mostly accurate,

but with your big boobs,
that dress would look great.

Are you kidding? No.

I'd be spilling out of this thing,

and not like in a sexy, on purpose,

Christina Hendricks type of way.

So? Guys don't care.

Guys love big boobs like yours.

I mean, sometimes I hate my small boobs.

I mean, I thought
about getting implants.

What? No, don't do that.

Oh, my gosh, Valencia, if you knew

what went into having a
pair of monsters like these,

you would never think
about getting them again.

I'm gonna show you.

(gasps) Rebecca, you can't.

Valencia, once I put this dress on,

you will never envy these puppies again.

Get ready.




- (gasps)
- Mm-hmm.

There... yep.

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Dense like dying
stars, I got them ♪

♪ Heavy boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ I can't run real far ♪

♪ Let me break down
what I just said ♪

♪ Each of my double Ds ♪

♪ Has the volume of
a toddler's head ♪

♪ Not bitchin' 'bout my boobies ♪

♪ They look super fly in shirts ♪

♪ But if I swung them in your face ♪

♪ You'd be like, oh,
my God, that hurts ♪

♪ I'm blind, holy crap ♪

♪ I literally can't see ♪

♪ I have permanent retinal damage ♪

♪ I'm suing you and
your heavy boobies ♪

♪ Heavy boobs, heavy boobs,
dense like dying stars ♪

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

- ♪ They each have their own memoirs ♪
- _

♪ What you gotta know is that ♪

♪ Boobs may be where it's at ♪

♪ But if you cut them open ♪

♪ They're just sacks of yellow fat ♪

♪ Stuff falls into my bra ♪

♪ It's a little bit of a drag ♪

♪ But when I go to bed at night ♪

♪ It's like opening
a Mary Poppins bag ♪

Dancers: Whee, candy and pennies!

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Dense like dying stars ♪

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Don't need an air bag in my car ♪

♪ Here is a list of
all of the objects ♪

♪ That I can hold under my boobs ♪

♪ Stapler, ten pencils ♪

♪ Paperback copy of Arabian Nights ♪

♪ Dog bone, remote control ♪

♪ Hardback copy of
Wuthering Heights ♪

See, when a star is dying, it
transforms into a red giant.

And if the red giant does not
have enough mass to fuse carbon,

an inert mass of carbon and
oxygen builds up in the center,

transforming into a dense white dwarf.

And yeah, like, that's my boobs.

That's... that's what my boobs are like.

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Dense like a white dwarf ♪

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ They'd be a catch
at Fisherman's Wharf ♪

♪ I got them heavy
boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Don't ever forget that ♪

♪ These heavy boobs, heavy boobs ♪

♪ Are just sacks of yellow fat ♪

♪ Like the stuffing of a couch ♪

♪ They're just sacks of yellow fat ♪

♪ Technically meant to feed a baby ♪

♪ They're just sacks
of yellow fat. ♪


I had no idea.

No wonder my boobs are so small.

I have no fat on my body.


Exactly. Problem solved.

Now, you try on the dress.


Let's see how it looks

with some nice B-cup action in there.

No. I couldn't.


Oh, my.

Valencia, you're going to
make a really beautiful bride.

Josh is really lucky.

I hope.

I hope some day it is
Josh and me, I really do.

It will be.

And I'm so sorry if I did
anything to delay that dream.

I appreciate you saying that.

Do you mind taking a picture of me?

Just for me.

I want to remember how I looked.

Of course.



Oh, I got nothing to work with here.

I mean, I've already hacked
into Valencia's e-mails

and her texts.

Ooh, wait a minute, what's this?

A photo stream?

Oh, again. You with the face.

What do you mean, how did
I get Valencia's password?

You know me.


Let's see what we've got here.

Valencia's photos... chocolate
cake... fried chicken...

Spaghetti with meatballs.

Oh, she just likes to look at food.



Oh, wait a minute, what is this?

(gasps) I think that's
Jayma's wedding gown.


You know, I've...

I've prayed to God my whole life,

and I, and I never knew
if she was listening,

but... (sighs)

thank you, Big Mama.


Uh, no wrinkles.

- Yeah, or bubbles.
- Thank you.

(phone chimes)

We got this.

It says I have a new like on a photo.

I-I didn't take a
photo, what is this?


- (both gasp)
- (door bell jingles)


You ruined my wedding.

Yeah, bitch.

- How could you?
- What's wrong with you?


I-I-I didn't
do anything.

I didn't post a photo.

And my hashtags are always positive.

Like, #GirlBoss

or #Fitspo.

Someone must be framing me or something.

What kind of psycho with no life

would do such a thing?

Oh, God, Paula.

You must have done it.

When I went to the bathroom.

This is why women

don't go to the bathroom alone.

Excuse me, miss, I have
a bone to pick with you.

I'm sorry, sir. Can I help you?

Yes, you can. By helping yourself.

Stop chasing after the
cartwheeling magician idiot boy,

and start paying attention to the guy

with the bountiful, beautiful hair,

who happens to really care about you.

(laughing): Oh, you're
friends with Marty.

I prefer mentor.

Ah, well, I've already told him

I'm not interested.

Him continuing to chase after
me is a terrible decision,

which makes me respect him even less.

I mean, maybe if he backed off

and let me come to him,

maybe I would think about it.

Otherwise, can you tell him to stop

with the songs and the
texts and the skywriting?


What did you skywrite?

Lyrics to the song.

Cost a fortune.

Oh, and it was so windy.

I basically paid for a cloud.

So what's next, coach?

What do I do? What's my next move?

I don't know. I kind of
think we do nothing.

I like that. Like for a
day? We slow-playing?


I actually think forever.

I think we got to call this one.

Go back to dusting potatoes.

You laugh, but who likes a dusty potato?

Marty, Ally's right.

Chasing someone who isn't
into you is a terrible move.

Trust me, I feel you.

I've been there.

You mean you and Rebecca Bunch.

Your friends come in here
all the time talking about it.

God, I hate my friends.

Yeah, Marty, that's right.

I did that with Rebecca.

But watching you do it,

I see what a bad call it was.

Actually, I'm realizing,

I make a lot of bad calls...
in everything.

Yeah, me, too.

And I think we're the same.

I mean, I work here in a grocery store,

even though I went to Harvard.

The Harvard of what?

Just Harvard. In Boston.

Wow, yeah, God.

Your decisions are just the worst.

Look, I already deleted
it, so don't worry.

And we only got one
like and it was from...

OMG, it's from Maxim's Hometown Hotties.

Sorry. I'm telling you,

it was Rebecca.

She's been "Single White Femaling"
me since she got here.


You take one step closer,
and I'm getting a restraining order,

Jennifer Jason Leigh.

What I was going to say was, um...

You were right. Yep, it was me.

- (gasps)
- Yeah.

It was my idea for Valencia
to put on the wedding dress,

and then when I saw her
in it, I-I got jealous.

And so I, uh, I stole her
phone and I posted the picture.

I'm sorry.

I don't believe you.

Only someone crazy
and sad would do that.

Um, yeah,

and I'm both those things,

so I'm, um, I'm sorry.


I'm sorry we accused you.

Rebecca, you should go.


Good-bye, Chans.

(women murmuring)

(door opens, bell jingles)

Before you start,

you don't have to buy me
champagne or a fur coat;

just a simple thank you will suffice.


Valencia's password was so easy.


I mean, come on.


Just get in my office.

I told you not to do anything.

Wait, what?

I mean, why didn't you listen to me?

Oh, my God, why didn't I listen to you?

Because if I listen to you,

nothing would ever happen with Josh.

No Thanksgiving, no camp.

No kiss.

You, you didn't do all that by yourself.

And every time you said, “No,
Paula, don't do anything.”

And then I did anyway,
and you were happy.

Wow, yeah, you're right.

Okay, that's the way it used to be,

but it's not like that anymore, okay?

No. Paula, listen to me.

I'm done with Josh.

Oh, come on, I saw you.

You can't even throw away
the macaroni portrait.

- I threw it away. Everything's gone.
- Even Channy bear.

Yeah. Channy bear
sleeps with the fishes.

Nope. I can't give up on Josh.

He's not yours to give up on.

Why are you so hung up on this?

It's for you. It-It's
to make you happy.

No, it's not, because I just told...

It's because...

If we're not chasing Josh,

then you're not going to want
to hang out with me anymore.

I know it.

What? No. Paula, no.

That's not true.

Yes. Yes, it is.

He's our glue.

He's what holds us together, and...

I've barely seen you this week at all.

Paula, I love you.

Okay, you know that.

But we have to stop.

It's not good for me.

You and I will always be
friends, okay, I promise.

But we don't need Josh Chan.

Because I don't need him.





Hey. Hi. I'm sorry, I, um, I
needed somewhere to drink,

and I thought, I thought
you'd be at school.

You're here.

What'll it be?

It's last call.


I guess, I don't know,
I'll take some alcohol.

Do you know any alcohol names?


I will take a peach
schnapps on the rocks?

No, never mind.

Never order drinks again.

I'll make you something.

That's a lot of books you got there.

Yeah, I'm trying this really new
radical approach to studying...

It's called studying.

Wow. Is it working?

Really well.

This is perfect.

What is this?

It's this really exotic drink

called the gin and tonic.

Well, I've never heard
of a gin and tonic before,

but I think it's gonna be really big.

- I'm sending in the patent.
- (laughs)

Hey, what are you doing after this?

Do you want to, like, I
don't know, go to another bar,

get a drink, or hang
out at my place, or...

What happened?

Did you and Josh

get in a fight... Is
that what's going on?

And you need a shoulder to cry on?

So you come to Greg,
'cause that's what I do.

No, that's not what this is.

Rebecca, I would really love
to hang out with you,

I would, but I know what
that leads to for me.

And I can't.

I can't be in second
place again with you.

Okay, um...


Um, good to know.

I'm... I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go.


(knocking at door)


Oh, Josh, I thought you
were someone else, I...

What did you do? Y-Y-You
hacked into Valencia's phone?

Y-You said you were trying
to keep your distance from me,

a-and then you do this?

This is how you make it up to Valencia?

Okay, Josh, it's a long
story, but all that matters is

Valencia is now beloved by your family

- and I'm out of the bridal party.
- Yeah, but...

Josh, focus on your girlfriend
and on your family, okay?

And the next time you want
to come and talk to me,

don't just show up at my door.

Oh... okay.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Um, so could you go?

I-I-I have something I need to do.

Are you kicking me out?

Lil' bit.

Bye, Josh.

(door opens and closes)

I'm sorry, Channy bear.

Hey, what's going on?


You okay? What...

No, I c... I-I can't do this.

I-I can't eat a dusty potato.

Oh, God, is that what I taste like?

I mean, I, I ate a, an old French fry

off the floor of my car, but I sh...

It's a metaphor. Wa... you did what?

It doesn't matter.

No, good God, stop, woman.

Greg, listen to me.

This isn't about anyone else but you.


You're not second choice.

I promise.

Listen, if this is going to happen,

- you need to know something.
- Okay.

This isn't going to be like a
roll in the hay and you go home.

This is going to be like three days

of you and me just ruining each other.

And not emotionally.

Is that what you want?

When do we start?

♪ ♪

I'm so glad we're finally doing this.

Me, too.

I mean, there's so many girls
I could have brought here,

like a whole bunch, but
I chose you, Ashley.

- It's Ally.
- Don't care.

Can we have sex now? Yay.

Oh, my God.

You're an idiot.

And you're horrible.

Why do I always make the same
mistake over and over again?

I make terrible decisions.

I go for the lowest form of man

because I'm afraid to be with someone

I might actually connect with.

You know what? Screw this.

I'm going back to nursing school.

Wait, do you want me
to do another cartwheel?

I'm-I'm-I'm good at those.


She'll be back.

They always come back.