Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Josh Has No Idea Where I Am! - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Let's delve into your childhood.

I've been through the therapy wringer.

I've rehashed my childhood a ton.

I don't really want to do it again.

I love him so much.

I know, sweetie.

You did what?

You kissed her?!

- I-I feel terrible.
- You feel terrible?

I got caught up in the moment in court!



I-I don't know what happened. I'm sorry.

Do you love her?

No.

God, no.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

He doesn't love me. I hate my life.

Why doesn't anyone love
me? He doesn't love me.

We're stuck together
for the next five hours.

You want to give it a go?

Do some therapy?

Okay.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay, don't scratch the walls, please.

Or the floors or... You know, anything.



Watch out for the ceramic horse.

It goes right there. Put it right there.

It's my best friend's
couch, she lives here.

I mean, she had to sell the couch,

but I got it back for her.

Cost me 80 bucks.

I'm telling you, it
was worth every penny,

because she is my best friend.

Yeah, we know everything
about each other.

I mean, I'd tell you
where she is right now,

but, eh, it's kind
of a big secret, so...

I'm kidding!

She's in Hawaii with

her ex-soon-to-be-current-boyfriend,

Joshua Felix Chan.

_

Welcome aboard flight 72,

with nonstop service to New York's

JFK International Airport.

So, let's start by talking
about where you're going.

Mmm... you mean, in life?

No. I mean, why you're
going to New York.

Oh, got it, yeah.

We're on a plane.

- Well, I was gonna go to Hawaii...
- ‭Mm-hmm.

With a friend...

Kind of...

But then... I realized

that my life in Southern California

is nothing but a pile
of garbage and turds.

So I e-mailed my old boss

to see if I could come back

to my old firm in New York,

and she said they'd welcome
me back with open arms.

Another move. That's a big decision.

Oh, yeah. I'm great at those.

Rebecca, you and I never even had time

to cover the fundamentals.

I never got a chance to ask you

what brought you to West
Covina in the first place?

♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪

♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪

♪ and so I decided to move ♪

♪ to West Covina, California ♪

♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪

♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪

- ♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
- What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.

♪ C-r-a-z-y ♪

Okay! We get it!

So you did move to West Covina for Josh?

Oh, yeah. 100%.

I should update that story.

And when you got to town,

didn't anyone see through
your excuses right away?

Nope. You'd be surprised.

You lie to yourself well enough,

you can convince other people, too.

Ugh, what is this stain?

Oh, man, if she sits on
that, she might have triplets.

Good call.

Ah, so...

I guess we should go back to work.

Oh, wow.

It is so quiet.

I may just read a damn magazine

like a real person.

Does anybody in this house
need or want anything from me?

No?

Oh, my god...

Oh, I love it here.

So much... oh.

What? Oh, you want to go back to work?

Yeah, okay, go 'head.

Mommy's gonna have herself
a little staycation.

What? Just tell Darryl
I'm not feeling well.

Don't worry, it's fine.

Oh, believe me, Rebecca
is not gonna care.

She's in Hawaii!

She doesn't care about
anything right now.

Anyway... things did not work out

between me and Josh.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

Love doesn't work out for me, ever.

Rebecca, I'm sure that's not true.

Oh, my god, it's absolutely true.

Love does not last in my life.

I always end up alone.

My life... is loveless.

"Loveless." That's the
word to describe my life.

I'm horrible at love,
any sort of love...

Relationships, family, pets.

I ruin... everything.

Can I remind you of something?

You said the very same
thing when Josh found out

about the broken window
in your apartment.

And the next day at Boba,

Paula told you that you
weren't a ruiner, not at all,

that you were a put-togetherer

and that you helped
her save her marriage.

That's... all true, but
how did you know that?

I've only had one session with you,

and it was months ago.

Whoa!

Thank you.

Are you a ghost?

Wait, you're not a ghost.

I'm sitting next to you
on this plane... aren't I?

Nope. You're asleep, my friend.

Oh, right!

I sat down next to you.

You said, "well, we're
gonna be stuck together

"for the next five hours.

Might as well do a therapy session."

I said, "cool," but then I downed

a couple sleeping pills
with a Bloody Mary.

I'm sorry.

Wait... am I dead?

Isn't that what a ghost is?

There are such things as dream ghosts.

A dream ghost! Well, that sounds fun.

Oh, can we do fun things?

There's a ton of stuff I want to do.

One: I want to haunt Hitler and
get him to rethink a few things.

Two: I want to see what
Oprah does in her bathtub.

And three: I want to
go to the nearest planet

with intelligent life and see a play.

That's not what dream ghosts do.

Oh... no, really?

Listen up, honey.

You obviously

don't understand why I'm here.

So allow me to break it down for you.

♪ You know the trope ♪

♪ in storytelling it's a norm ♪

♪ when a person's in trouble ♪

♪ a manifestation ♪

♪ of their subconscious
appears in the form of a ♪

♪ dream ghost ♪

♪ giving advice you
kind of already knew ♪

♪ I'm a dream ghost ♪

♪ I'm really just your mind
working things through ♪

♪ it's not clear ♪

♪ if I'm hallucinated ♪

♪ or actually magic ♪

♪ let's leave it vague ♪

♪ it's more interesting that way ♪

♪ I'm going to take you ♪

♪ on a journey through
time and space ♪

♪ and in the end you'll realize ♪

♪ you knew the answer all along ♪

♪ honestly ♪

♪ it's a bit of a waste to be a ♪

♪ dream ghost ♪

♪ dream ghost ♪

♪ we're other dream ghosts
helping people on this plane ♪

♪ we're also dream ghosts ♪

♪ dream ghosts ♪

♪ while you're all asleep ♪

♪ we'll sing the refrain ♪

♪ it'll never be clear ♪

♪ if we're hallucinated ♪

♪ or actually magic ♪

♪ and we're all women ♪

♪ 'cause this job
doesn't pay so well ♪

Wow, so there are a lot of dream ghosts.

Yep. A lot of people on this
plane are having predicaments.

♪ This guy is deciding ♪

♪ whether or not to leave his wife ♪

♪ this girl is wondering ♪

♪ if she should
terminate a pregnancy ♪

♪ this lady's dreaming
in Portuguese ♪

♪ so I'm not sure what she wants ♪

♪ and this douche is agonizing ♪

♪ over whether to buy
or lease a new Porsche ♪

♪ we are the dream ghosts ♪

♪ dream ghosts ♪

♪ here to show you the proper way ♪

♪ we are the dream ghosts ♪

♪ dream ghosts ♪

♪ and the health care with
this job is just okay ♪

♪ we'll help you with decisions ♪

♪ if you're on the fence ♪

♪ and we're available
for private events ♪

♪ we're the dream ghosts ♪

♪ we wish our union
health plan had dental ♪

♪ dream ghosts ♪

♪ we pay out-of-pocket
for cleanings. ♪

Wow, I had no idea.

That ghosts exist?

No, that a health plan
could exclude dental.

I mean,

many basic health problems
start with gingivitis.

All right. Are you ready?

Now come with me.

Where are we... Where are we going?

We're beginning our journey.

Our spectral vacation.

Here we go.

Oh... we're starting

with a puberty memory?

Harsh. Why are we doing that?

I go where the pain is.

And you just, like, admit that?

You say love never works out for you.

Let's see if it's really true.

So what is this memory?

Oh, my god.

This is the first time

I visited my father in Santa Fe.

It's where he moved after,

you know, the divorce.

Oh, yeah, I came here for a visit.

And... ?

And I didn't tell him I was coming.

Surprise!

Ooh, photos.

Oh!

Her Josh pictures came in.

Eh, no one's here.

Rebecca, is that you?

Uh, uh, uh...

Um...

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

Is Rebecca here?

Uh, no.

But you're here.

And... in her bathrobe?

Aren't you in... Hawaii right now?

What? How do you know about that?

Well, Rebecca mentioned
the surf tournament.

I decided not to go.

And why are you here?

Well, I've been texting
her and calling her

to tell her something and...

Where is she?

Well, I thought she was with...

I mean, I thought I knew where she was,

but I guess I don't.

I just wanted to see you, daddy.

I just wanted to see you, dad.

How did you get here?

Let's not talk about logistics.

They don't matter.

I'm just so happy we're together!

You said if only we could
spend more vacations together.

Well, I'm here.

Spring break!

Well...

What... happened to your hair?

Oh, certain hormonal
changes have occurred.

It's unfortunate, but

such is life.

You know, your mother

didn't call to tell me you were coming.

Please don't tell Naomi.

She doesn't know I'm here.

I told her

I was at a spring break
choir camp in Poughkeepsie.

I forged the forms and
created a fake P.O. Box.

Then I used my bat mitzvah
money to buy a plane ticket.

But I had to use Aunt
Nancy's name for the ticket,

because they don't sell to minors,

which is just discrimination!

Wow!

I knew you were bright, but...

Are you... busy this week?

Are you not happy to see me?

Of course I'm happy to see you!

This is the greatest surprise ever!

We're gonna have a great time.

Come on, let's, uh,

let's get you settled.

All right.

So, West Covina wasn't the first time

you made a rash decision to try
to win back the man you love.

That's not...

The two aren't...

No, that's...

They're two different situations.

I mean, clearly,

my mother had been keeping us apart

and we were meant to be together.

Mm, I did some research.

And I'd love to go see

El Rancho de Las Golondrinas
while I'm here.

And of course the
Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.

That sounds great.

Why aren't you eating your salsa?

Oh, I don't know.

I just hate cilantro.

Me, too. Screw cilantro.

It stinks.

We have so much in common.

Yeah, we do, right?

What should we do after dinner?

Watch TV or play a game?

Or we could just talk about our lives

and, like, our ten favorite songs?

Yeah.

We can do that.

Maybe you're right.

About there being love in my life.

He did love me.

Love comes in many forms.

But the kind of love a child needs

is the kind they can count on.

What does that mean?

Wake up, sleepyhead!

I made pancakes.

Oh, wow.

Morning.

Good morning.

You know,

I really do love you, Becca.

Of course you do.

Naomi was just keeping us apart.

- Yeah.
- But that's over now.

And next time I won't
have to make a secret plan.

I'm going to ask her

if I can spend holidays
with you from now on.

- Well...
- Wouldn't that be great?

Sure.

Santa Fe is-is wonderful at Christmas.

Yes, Christmas!

I'm half-Christmas anyway.

Just a minute.

Hi, Naomi.

Silas.

No.

Mom, no!

What is she doing here?

What are you doing here?

No one asked you to come.

God, I hate this part. I hate this part.

This is when she
ripped me away from him.

You know, he loved me. He did.

But of course I couldn't have that.

Did you snoop around my room?

Oh, you did, didn't you?!

You're such a snoop!

Becca, get your things
and get in the car.

- No.
- Becca?

- No, you can't make me!
- Listen to me.

Tell her!

We have plans... The museums,

holidays, Christmas... right?

Rebecca, honey.

Go in the car for a moment
while your mother and I talk.

I'll see what I can do.

All right?

Okay, and I know what happened next.

She ruined everything.

There was nothing more...

Listen.

Silas?

Silas?

She came all this way to see you.

She spent her own money.

She came up with this fakakta plan.

Why do you have to make me
take her back right away?

Can't you just spend time
with her for a couple of days?

I'll-I'll go to a spa.

I'll-I'll-I'll
wait.

I-I...

I could use a good scrub.

I have plans, Naomi.

- No one told me.
- Plans, I bet.

- Who is she?
- Oh, don't you judge me.

I wasn't prepared!

Prepared for what?

She's your child!

And-and she cooks and she

does dishes and she
won't be a bother to you.

For heaven's sake, Silas,

be a person! Have a heart!

You're her father! She loves you!

Don't you tell me what I should do!

How to be a father!

All right, when I get my life together,

when I am really settled
down, I'll come see her.

Right.

I'll figure out a plan.

I want to.

She's... she's a cute kid.

She, she's not a kid!

She's your daughter, you ass!

I just can't have anyone
holding me back right now.

Right.

Please don't tell her.

She won't understand.

Don't worry, I won't tell her.

Not for your sake but for hers.

So she'll never know
what you're capable of.

Or not capable of.

And I didn't see him for two more years.

And I always blamed her.

I always thought she was
the one keeping us apart.

She never told me any of this.

Why?

Because she didn't want to hurt you.

Because someone did love you.

Someone still does.

Just didn't happen to be him.

See, there is love in your life.

You just have to know how to find it.

That's what you take
away from that story?

That my mother loved me?

Okay, with all due respect,

a mother's love...
That's the bare minimum.

I mean, geez, serial killers
have mothers that love them.

What I take away from that story is,

my father's even worse than I thought.

I always knew he was an
abandoning piece garbage,

but, geez, I thought at least
I could blame my mother for it.

Can't believe she never
told me that story.

She never misses an
opportunity to rub things in.

Maybe you misjudged her in some way.

Maybe I did.

Well, thanks a lot, dream ghost.

You just made everything a lot worse.

Because now I have
to be nicer to my mom.

Boo.

God, and this just only proves my point.

It's like I said.

Love never lasts.

Nobody really cares about me.

Where would she have
gone without telling me?

It's not like her. She
always tells me everything.

I don't know. Like I said,

I've been texting her and calling her

for the last day, and nothing.

Why have you been texting her?

Um, that's not really

any of your business.

Oh, pumpkin!

If you only knew what was my business!

I know that you and Rebecca kissed.

I know that you were gonna tell Valencia

and that she was gonna
dropkick your ass.

- How did you... ?
- Wait!

Did you and Valencia not break up?

Oh, no, you two are staying
together, aren't you?

Again, not really any of your...

And Rebecca found out! Oh, my god!

She couldn't know.

I-I haven't told her yet.

Okay, I just need to
calm down and think!

I just need to calm down!

Where is Rebecca?

What is happening?

She didn't show up for work.

And I called her and I texted her

and I e-mailed her, and nothing.

Why are you wearing a bathrobe?

Is that your nipple?

Well...

You called in sick today!

It is a personal day, Darryl!

Personal!

Personal means one
person. Why is he here?

He is here because he is
also looking for Rebecca.

Yeah, I'm starting to
get kind of worried.

Oh, my god, the cheerful man is worried?

I mean, is Rebecca missing?

Okay, so after that heartwarming
story with my father,

you better have something
good up your ghost sleeve.

After your father's abandonment...

Wow, you're a downer.

What were your other
relationships like after that?

With other men?

Oh, my god, they were fantastic.

They were beautiful, filled
with respect and mutual orgasms.

What do you think? They were disasters.

Look, I didn't show you that
last memory to upset you.

I wanted you to see that
sometimes love comes up

in unexpected places.

"Oh, loves comes
in unexpect... " Is that right?

Take, for instance,
sophomore year, Harvard.

That play you were in.

Wait, that play?

That wasn't fun, and
I quit halfway through.

Why is that important?

But something very important
happened to you there.

All right, fine, we
going back to college?

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

Let's gain some weight.

Well, it was a tough
process, but you made it through.

You are the cream of
the crop. You're late.

Theodore, make a note of that in
our attendance records, please.

15 people auditioned;
I could only take 11.

This musical adaptation of
Moby Dick is my senior thesis,

and it is not gonna be easy.

I'm so excited.

I'm, like, obsessed with
the songs in the show.

I've memorized them all.

- Wow, that's cool.
- Yeah.

Now, as we embark on
this struggle together,

this triumphant struggle...
Because it will be a triumph,

- make no mistake about that...
- What do you play?

I'm fish # 3.

Uh, I'm a swabber.

I swab the decks, like, the whole play.

Lucky.

Guys!

Let's see some focus.

Thank you.

Now, as I was saying...

All right, good stuff, everybody.

Remember, keep your bodies
connected at all times.

Point of the exercise.

So I'm totally pre-law,

and if my mom found out
I was doing this play,

she'd, like, stop paying my tuition.

I feel kind of stupid. Do you?

Yeah.

Guys, let's take this seriously.

This exercise will help us develop

a physical shorthand with each other.

Now, all right, everyone,
take a look here.

Thank you.

Watch me and fish # 3.

Right here.

- Right there?
- Mm-hmm, come on.

Oh.

O... Kay.

Yeah, just like that.

Okay.

Well, there goes that.

You're good at this.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks.

I'm gonna bump you up to fish # 1.

Thank you.

Whoa.

Whew, I haven't done that in years.

I...

Does anybody actually like that?

I just...

Ooh.

So, wait, I'm confused.

Are you trying to tell me that Warren,

the douche bag senior,
was the love of my life?

Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

I know what you're trying to tell me.

I know where this is going.

♪ It's not really about the whale ♪

♪ the whale is a symbol, Ahab ♪

♪ though it's a chore ♪

♪ I'll just mop the floor... ♪

♪ Ahab, can't you see? ♪

♪ The whale is a metaphor. ♪

- Ah, that's not bad.
- Thanks.

I saw you got bumped up the food chain.

Congrats.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

You know...

I really like... all this.

You know, music and theater.

I hadn't done it since
this summer camp I went to,

like, a million years ago, but
I forgot how happy it made me.

That's great.

I'm really happy for you.

There.

I know what you're gonna say.

You're saying that I should
have looked past Warren

and gone for Peter, because he
really cared about me, right?

The lesson's not over.

Tell me what happened next.

You're also sleeping with Jennifer?

Like, Jennifer, as in
"Kip the Cabin Boy"?

Rebecca, we never
said we were exclusive.

That's not what my lifestyle
as an artist is about.

But I like you.

- I-I really like you.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, I don't know
if I can be in the play

if you're just sleeping with
someone else in front of me.

Well, that's your choice.

There's other fish in the sea.

In this case, the metaphor applies.

Uh, okay, then, well, I quit.

Yeah, I quit the play.

Suit yourself, fish # 1.

I get what you're saying.

I made a mistake.

I should have seen past

my superficial feelings
for the roguish jerk

to see the value of
a nice guy like Peter.

Oh, god. No!

Forget about the guys.

That's the worst part
about being a ghost

and working with women...
So much talk about the guys.

It's like, "guys, forget the guys."

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, I'm-I'm confused.

You loved that play.

You loved theater, and you loved music,

and you were gonna change your major.

You spent hours practicing alone.

♪ Ahab, can't you see? ♪

♪ The whale is a metaphor. ♪

♪ Ahab, can't you... ♪

Okay, so I loved being in a play.

But that's not a person.

So how is that real love?

Love doesn't have to be a person.

It can be a passion.

And that passion has sustained you

for much of your life, hasn't it?

I guess it has.

Yeah. Yeah, when things get tough,

it's how I understand the world.

Hmm, I imagine my life as
a series of musical numbers.

I know.

Thanks for the solo, by the way.

I always wanted to rock some sequins.

As I was saying, love
comes in different forms.

You know, Rebecca, maybe it's not

that you don't have love in your life.

Maybe it's that you don't
recognize it when it's there.

♪ I am a puffer fish ♪

♪ I am also the queen of denial. ♪

We get flashlights and
we sweep the forest.

Darryl, there's no forest.

What about those birch
trees over by the 10 freeway?

Oh, I can call her mom.

Are you kidding?! I mean, I love you,

but that's... that's a horrible idea.

Yeah, no, no.

Hello?

Please. ‭uh, what's he doing here?

Darryl texted me, uh, to come over.

Something about Rebecca? What's wrong?

Yeah, she is completely
off the reservation.

- We don't know where she is.
- Mm-hmm.

When's the last time
someone talked to her?

I saw her yesterday.

But then she didn't reply to my text,

but I thought, "no, that's
okay, because she's on a trip,

and wearing a bikini and floppy hat,"

but apparently she's not.

Well, that's it, I'm calling the police.

Whoa, whoa, and-and tell them what?

That a person known for being
unpredictable and impulsive

has been missing for a day?

You don't understand.

Rebecca always tells
me what she's doing.

Paula, with all due respect,
you haven't known her that long.

Okay, Greg, just
because you're super hot

doesn't mean you get to come in here

and say mean statements
about my friendship, Mr. Stud.

Is Greg super hot?

Well, yeah, if you like angry. Sure.

Okay, wait-wait, Darryl's right.

Like, not about Greg being
super hot or whatever.

But we need to do something

- right now.
- Yeah.

I've had enough.

I'm gonna figure out where she is.

Whoa! That's not cool.

What? Your friends don't
know all your passwords?

Mmm, not sure I would call
them friends, then, Darryl.

A'ight, let's find out

what we've got here.

Deleted messages.

Okay, I'm out. I'm not doing this.

I'm sure she's fine and
there's nothing to worry about.

When Rebecca comes back...
Probably any second...

Tell her I said hey.

Oh, my god.

What? What is it?

Has she been catfished
by a drug smuggler?

- What?
- I watched this TV show

called "Catfished by a Drug Smuggler".

It's on the new Catfishing Channel.

Oh, my god, it is so good.

I-I binged the entire thing.

Okay, I know what's happening.

- You do?
- Yes.

- What?
- She is moving back to New York!

At least we know she's not dead.

Uh, it's worse than her dying.

She is leaving us!

I can't believe she's moving

back to New York.

Oh, that's just schmuckbait...
She's not going anywhere.

She's just being dramatic.

No! She has a plane ticket, a job offer.

She's looking at sublets. Oh, my
god, she didn't tell me any of this!

And as quickly as she entered our lives,

- poof... she's gone.
- Oh, stop it,

Darryl, she's not gone, okay?

She's not allowed to disappear on me.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. I'm so confused.

She said she hated living in New York.

We talk about it all the time.

I mean, she wasn't happy there.

Yeah, but sometimes there are things

that are more important
than being happy.

I was... unhappily married.

But I had a child and I stuck it out.

- For years.
- She can't do this.

She can't just opt out
because it got hard.

I mean, you don't think I
want to opt out every day?

You think I don't want to unsubscribe

from, like, half the things in my life?

Paula, if that's true, then
you should change your life.

People actually do that.

- Not me, but, you know...
- I still don't get it.

This town is great.

She told me she loved it here.

Why would she want to leave?

So let's recap.

My mother loves me, I love music.

Fantastic.

You're skirting the real issue
which got us here in the first place,

which is that I can't
find anybody to love me.

Like, real love. Like, boy-girl love.

I mean, that's... okay,
that's gender normative.

But you get what I'm saying, right?

It's like me lovee you,
kissy kissy kissy time,

we make babies now,
and I'm doing an accent.

I don't know why I'm doing an accent.

Look, you're not the only person

to have difficulties in this area.

Maybe you don't have one special person,

but you have many people.

Plural people?

Hello?

They're here because they love you.

What?

No.

Mm-hmm.

No.

No.

Oh, they all look so worried.

I should text Paula.

Can I text someone from a dream?

Okay, guess I can't.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, it's my bonus check.

I'm not broke anymore.

I can buy back my Hyundai!

- Yay!
- Shh!

Listen!

God, you talk too much.

Talk too much.

Can't believe my cookie is moving away.

We had some really great times together.

She was the best employee I ever had.

No, I mean... It wasn't just that.

Rebecca made me wake up.

You know, if it wasn't for her,
I wouldn't have changed my life.

Me neither.

I mean, she got me that job at Aloha's.

She helped me believe in myself

for the first time, like... ever.

She helped me with my marriage.

She was like... a surrogate daughter.

What, me? I got nothin'.

She's done nothing but
cause problems for me.

I don't even know why I'm still here.

Okay, so all these people
are technically here,

but that doesn't necessarily
mean they love me.

Let's contrast how they're feeling

with the way people felt
when you left New York.

Whoa...

Well, good riddance to bad rubbish.

- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.

You know what?

Now that I think about it,

I might miss her.

Good one, right?

God, she's a heinous bitch.

West Covina was the first place

that you acted like a person.

And because of it, you
forged true relationships.

Look how worried they are.

Look at how everyone cares about you.

No, not everyone.

He probably knows me
as well as anyone here.

He doesn't care if I live
or die. You heard him.

Are you sure?

Are you sure he doesn't care?

I mean, I thought I was,

but now that you say it like that,

I'm not so sure anymore.

Look at his phone.

Wait, won't he notice
if I grab his phone?

Again, dream.

Ghost. Illusion.

Let me just freeze
everything for a second.

Whoa!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.

Your powers are so cool.

This is amazing.

This is so cool. Wait, like...

How does one become a dream ghost?

What's the application process like?

'Cause this, I could
do some damage with...

Right. Greg's phone, Greg's phone.

Okay.

Look at his calls.

The ones he made before
he knew you were safe.

Okay.

Oh, my god.

He called every hospital in the area.

And some morgues.

Now, why would he do that?

Because he's hoping I was dead?

Because he cares about me.

What do you think?

I mean... he doesn't show it.

He's always so angry at me.

Yeah, hot guys are kind of like that.

The middle-aged ladies really dig Greg.

Oh, yes.

I wish he was a search
term on porn sites.

Okay, let's cool it, dream ghost.

But this is not about
Greg or any one man...

It is about you, Rebecca.

God, do you know how hard it is

to pass the Bechdel Test
when you're a dream ghost?

Oh. Yeah, I bet.

There's a lot of love
in your life, Rebecca.

If you opened your heart

to the possibilities
of all kinds of love,

something good might happen.

You spend so much time obsessing

about this one here,

you've lost sight of everything else.

And everyone else.

I've just been dreaming
about him for so long.

Like, most of my life.

He is the dream, dream ghost.

But he is an illusion.

Just like I am.

Maybe it's time you see

what else is in your life...

besides Josh Chan.

Wake up, Rebecca.

What's wrong?

Oh, my god.

You were right.

Everything you said... was right.

Uh, I didn't say anything.

You've been busy sleeping

and I've been binge-watching Broad City.

It's so funny.

These girls just don't care.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I know this game.

I know how dream ghosts work.

Right, 'cause it was all a
dream and you were a ghost,

but now you're gonna
do something all winky

and I'm gonna go,
"wait, it was all real."

I think you need more therapy

than I initially thought.

Maybe you should come in twice a week.

Yeah, okay. Whatever you say.

But oh, my gosh, you changed my life,

Dr. Dream Ghost Akopian.

Oh, you made me... You made me see past

all of my delusions that
were been holding me back.

Oh, and it's the other dream
ghosts. I have to thank them.

Thank you, other dream ghosts.

Excuse me, lady?

She's the one that was
snoring and grunting.

You-you guys should all get dental.

How many sleeping pills have you had?

So many.

It would be such a
bummer if she moved away

without even saying good-bye.

Well, maybe we can think
of some way to make her

stay here in town. What
would make her stay?

Come here a second.

If you want Rebecca to stay in town,

you can make that happen.

What?

Oh, god!

Josh, you don't understand?

You don't see what this has
all been about for Rebecca?

I-I... don't understand what you're...

Well, I'm out.

If she decides to sell the furniture,

I call dibs on the big fish.

Wait, what are you saying?

I'm saying... look at these.

Guys, wait,

I hear something.

You're here!

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh...

I got on a plane and then I...

got off and got right
back on another plane

and I've been in the
same outfit for ten hours

and I feel and smell terrific.

We found out about New York.

I-I looked on your laptop.

I assumed you would.

You're back for now or for good?

Um...

- For good.
- Oh, thank god.

We really thought you
were gone.

I knew you weren't going anywhere.

You've got your reasons
for living in this town.

Welcome back, Bunch.

- I'm out.
- Hey.

Um... thank you for being here.

See you later, suckers.

- I am so glad you're okay.
- Oh...

Mm!

Please don't ever leave me again.

It hurts my heart.

Oh, Darryl.

Hey, um, why are you in my bathrobe?

Oh, that's a long story.
I will tell you later.

Oh, my god.

Okay, I got to go. Uh, you kids talk,

I am going to wash this bathrobe

and give it to you at work.
I am so glad you're back!

Okay, bye!

Um...

So... I see my pictures arrived.

Rebecca, what are all these?

Why do you have them?

Rebecca...

Are you in love with me?

I want to go to the nearest
planet with intelligent life

and see a play.

This alien play is amazing.

He loved her so much,

he traveled to Planet Fnorg to see her.

Even though that planet is mostly sulfur

and Zerps can't even breathe sulfur.

He would rather have
five minutes with her

than live another 30 years.

Love... Is there anything
more universal?

- Oh!
- Yes!

Go!

Oh!