Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - I'm Back at Camp with Josh! - full transcript

Previously on "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

You love him. Say it.

I just want to be his friend, just
like I want to be all of their friends.

Why don't you understand me?

- Why did she move here again?
- She was offered a killer job in town.

Why else would she move here?

You called me. You said,
"I will work for super cheap.

I just really want to
live in West Covina."

Josh found out
I've been lying, and...

Instead of turning his back on me,

- he just opened up.
- I'm so happy



that you're in town, and I
don't think you're crazy at all.

I love him so much.

♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪

♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪

♪ and so I decided to move ♪

♪ to West Covina, California ♪

♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪

♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪

- ♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ - What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪



Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.

♪ C-r-a-z-y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Say it again.

I love him.

Say it with his name.

I love Josh.

Say his full name.

Paula, I'm not...

I love...

Joshua Felix Chan.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bunch request
the honor of your presence

"at the wedding of their daughter

Rebecca Nora Bunch and Joshua Felix Chan."

Paula, we're not close to
getting married, you know.

It's not like I've been Googling
pictures of mixed-race babies.

They're so cute... they're so
much cuter than the plain ones.

And you're not in denial anymore,

and that is the first step.

- Yay.
- Yay. Okay, so what's the plan?

I have one. You break into
his apartment one night

when you know Valencia is off
on one of her yoga retreats,

he comes home, you're in bed, naked.

I did that at least ten times in the '90s,

and it worked, every time.

He has a live-in girlfriend.

I'm not gonna just break them up.

It's against my moral code.

Oh, your morals are not up to code, honey.

- Hey.
- Sorry

I just wish there was some way

for him to remember how it felt
when we were at camp together,

you know? Every time we saw
each other, it was like...

It was like cupid's arrow went
straight through our hearts.

Gotcha, Becks!

Josh! Hey,

I'll take a few of these

and just ten of everything
and one Boba tea to go.

Wow, you're hungry.

Oh, they're not for me.

They're for my kids.

Oh,

- Hi.
- Paula.

We met at Rebecca's party.

Of course. Hello, ma'am.

I'm not a... ma'am. Now's not the time.

What kids are you buying candy for?

Oh, it's this thing I do every year.

Um, volunteer at a program
for disadvantaged teens.

Oh, my gosh, that's so sweet.

Well, I like to give back.

They're a tough bunch,
but you know how kids are.

You let 'em make a s'more
in the great outdoors,

and their defenses just melt.

S'more? W-w... wait, s'when?

S'where? With s'who?

I like that. That's cute.

Yeah. Yeah, we go to Riverside

and stay at this park overnight.

It's just like summer camp.

Summer camp. Summer camp.

Summer camp.

That sounds like... fun.

And so romantic for you and, uh, Valencia?

Oh, she doesn't come.

Actually, she's not happy I'm going.

She thinks I should be working.

She has this theory that time is money.

You know who loves camp?

I mean, like, has a PhD in camp

and could do a lot for all those

underprivileged... whatever-they-ares,
this one,

right here.

Well, you know, we're
always looking for help.

I'll-I'll tell them
you'll come to the office

and see the camp director.

Great.

Okay. Got to jet. Um...

Ooh, thanks so much.

Okay, good to see you guys!

Bye, Josh! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye!

Okay, you have got to get into that camp.

This is your chance to go
back when you two fell in love.

Okay. I'm gonna go see the camp director.

I can't run in these.

You're just so cute for
buying candy for the kids.

Even though you know

giving kids sweets is like
giving them cigarettes.

Everybody loves candy.

You're just so nice for doing
that camp program every year,

passing up all those extra hours at work

that could get you promoted to manager.

You know, I don't mind. I love those kids.

Maybe because you're
like a big kid yourself.

That's why you're so
good at talking to them.

And one day,

when we have kids and they
say, "why don't we have shoes?"

You can say, "so that
other kids can have candy."

Um, V, sometimes it's like...

Like you don't understand me or...

Even believe in me.

It sucks.

What? Of course I do. I believe that

one day you will focus

on our future instead of fun stuff.

Mmm.

Your little nose.

So, Josh said you wanted to help.

We would love for you to get involved.

You know, people think

of West Covina as this prosperous suburb...

But ten percent of its residents
live below the poverty line.

I know. And I am willing to help.

I've cleared my schedule.
So, here are my ideas.

I can host a really
good game of tug-of-war,

I know a great recipe
for organic bug juice,

and don't even get me
started on my lanyard skills.

Okay, we don't need any more counselors.

We're covered there.

Okay. Forget the bug juice.

Here's what I can offer:

A female empowerment program. Hear me out.

I did it at my old high school
in Scarsdale. Huge success.

All the girls ended up
on the pill because of me.

Listen, Rebecca, when
we say, "get involved,"

what we mean is, "give us money."

Our lawyers wouldn't
let us put, "just give us

some damn money" on the posters.

Well, great. Okay, so if I give
you money, I can come to camp?

No, no. Donors don't come
to the camp, Ms. Bunch,

no matter how much money they give.

Here you go.

This'll do.

Welcome aboard.

You are the new director
of female empowerment.

Yes!

I was thinking about seeing a
movie tonight. You want to go?

Oh, never mind.

I forgot you and your friends mmm...

Ironically watch "Empire."

Yeah, it's not ironic for me anymore.

Taraji's my everything.

But I can blow it off.

No. I don't want you to do that.

Why not? I like you.

I like you a lot, Greg.

"I like you a lot, Greg."

That's-that's funny.

Yeah, no, I'm, like, excited about this.

I have butterflies.

You can't tell?

It's subtle.

I'm serious.

We've been hooking up for a
few weeks, and I'm into it.

I'm not seeing other guys anymore.

What?

So obviously

I told her we needed some space.

Because not seeing other people

is like an inch away from
hiring a wedding band.

- It's better this way.
- We have too many differences.

She likes Chuck Palahniuk,

and I think it's pretty obvious

after "Fight Club", he's a one-trick pony.

- Dude.
- What?

I've been watching "The View" lately,

and you're a commitment-phobe.

I am not.

You're, like, making up problems

as an excuse to break up with her.

I think your behavior
reflects a deep-seated fear

that if you love
somebody, she'll leave you.

It's probably rooted in
your childhood trauma.

Stop-stop with your armchair psychology.

I appreciated that insight.

You're the only one who gets me.

We're just not compatible.

If the perfect girl walked in right now

and said, "Greg, I like you,"

I would be into it. Totally.

- Hey! My beach buds!
- Hey! Oh.

Yeah.

- What's up?
- Oh, you must be the dude that overslept.

- Hector.
- Hector.

So, uh,

- what's up with you?
- You know,

my, uh, ex-wife, she took Madison

for the weekend, and I have
just been stone-cold chillin'.

I know.

I miss her, too, Snail-iana Grande.

How about you cats? What
have you guys been up to?

You know, we were just talking about trying

to watch this fight, but
it's, uh, pay-per-view,

so it's a little expensive.

The one you mean with the,

the two guys that are
like this on the poster?

That's the one.

- Yep.
- Oh!

Well, I was totally
planning on watching that.

- Yeah?
- You know what?

Why don't you guys come over

and we can all watch it together?

Wha... ?

That would be awesome actually.

I'm in. I don't have any
plans this weekend anymore.

Free man. No one tying me down.

Oh, this is great then!

This is awesome!

And we'll have ourselves
a little party, you dig?

- I dig.
- All right! I-I also dig.

You know, here's a little known fact.

- I used to be the social director
of my frat back in college. - No.

- Yeah.
- No way.

They used to call me king of the spread.

Oh, nice, 'cause you had
your way with the ladies?

No, it was because I make pâté.

It's all in the onions.

You have to caramelize for, like, 18 hours.

Which if I leave right now,

I will have everything ready to spready.

- Spready, all right.
- Spready.

- I'll bring some crackers.
- Oh, that'd be great, great.

Um, lend an ear.

- Yeah.
- Um,

the, uh, fight?

That's boxing, right?

Okay, feeling good? Feeling loose?

- Yeah.
- Feeling cute? Feeling 16?

- Yeah.
- All right, get your head in the game.

Okay.

Spit.

- Cut me.
- Okay.

All right.

Inventory.

Handi wipes, trail mix,
flashlight, bug spray...

Oh, some extra toilet paper.

Heaven forbid you have to use leaves.

Oh, I got a rash one time.

It almost made me infertile.

Unfortunately, it did not.

Do you need anything else?

- I don't think so, no.
- Okay.

Oh, there's one thing I have to show you.

So this is a letter

that I wrote to Josh our last day of camp.

I was gonna give it to him and then he...

You know, he broke up with me.

So I was gonna mail it to
him, then I decided not to.

So I decided to burn it,

but then I didn't do that, either.

That's why it's a little scorched.

Anyway, I want to get him alone

and read him this letter.

And I think if I do,

all of his feelings from when
we were together at camp...

You know, falling in
love under the stars...

It-it'll come back to him.

Tell me what you think.

♪ Dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪

♪ I remember the moment it beg... ♪

Yeah, no. Uh-uh.

- No, no, no.
- What?

Don't do this.

This is dumb.

You're a grown-ass lady.

You don't need cutesy
letters from childhood.

You just need to use what God gave you.

My charm and my wit?

It's a weird name for your boobs.

Actually, my boobs names
are Bonnie and Clyde.

And my ovaries are Hustle and Flow.

Oh, oh, oh!

That is nice!

- Yeah, yeah, I know.
- All right.

Forget the letter.

Okay. All right?

And just... go...

Get him, kiddo. Boop. Okay.

Josh, Josh! Hey, hey, Josh!

Hey! It's so cool that you're here.

Yeah. I heard you're

giving a lecture or something.

Oh, yeah, gonna, you know,
help out the young females.

Teach them about wage gaps,

leaning in, glass ceilings,

internalized misogyny,
slut-shaming, et cetera.

- So you look great.
- Uh, thanks.

My disciples. Watch this.

Hey, ladies, be prepared
to shed your preconceived

notions about your limitations.

Be prepared to get made fun of all weekend.

You look like a cabbage patch kid.

- That's funny.
- No, they're...

- They're just... It's warming up.
- So, camp,

huh? It's gonna be like old
times. It's gonna be so rad!

Oh! Yeah. Bang, bang. Do
you want to take a selfie?

Oh, yeah, I need some good
ones. My LPPs are down.

L... hmm?

Likes Per Post.

- Oh, got it, great. Yeah.
- Bro.

- We saved you a seat.
- Cool. Um, sorry, got to go, Becks.

Uh, we'll do the selfie there.

Okay. I...

Selfie there.

Cool, got it.

Bet you wish you had a
glass ceiling over you now.

That's not really what a glass ceiling is.

_

♪ having
a few people over ♪

♪ ♪

_

_

♪ having a few people over ♪

♪ ♪

♪ having a few, few-few-few ♪

♪ having a few people over ♪

♪ having, have-have, few, few-few

♪ having a few people over... ♪

♪ ♪

At this point you're probably aware

I'm having a few people over.

_

Little astringent.

When does the main fight start?

There's still three more undercard fights.

I always forget how boring boxing is. Uh...

Yeah, I might want to bail.

Oh, guys, come on, come on, come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're just getting started here, right?

Plus I need, like, 20
more minutes on the onions.

We should go to that
new bar on East Cameron.

- Saw some honeys there last week.
- Oh, yeah?

No, no, no, no, no, no, guys.

You want honeys? Hey,
come on, I know honeys.

Look, I didn't want to say this earlier,

but my thought... my plan was...

At first we'd have a little
bro time, which is what this is,

and then a honey hang, right?

Just give it a second. I got a plan.

Come on, get in, get in, bring it in.

Sorry, sorry, donor coming through.

Donor coming through,
donor come through. Okay.

All right. All right, girls,

uh, let's start with elbow tag.

The classic game of tag with a twist.

You link arms with a partner.

So everyone grab a partner.

Oh, teamsies.

Sorry, Becks.

Best lady wins.

It's fine. She is younger and faster.

Kudos.

Don't worry,

Nicky will be your partner.

Oh. Hi, Nicky. What is Nicky short for?

- Samantha.
- What?

And I play to win.

I admire that work ethic, Samantha.

♪ Get out of the classroom,
I'll meet you in the bathroom ♪

♪ climb out of the window,
find a car, go zoom, zoom ♪

♪ drivin' away, we got to play... ♪

No, you're going the wrong way.

No, this way.

Don't tell me what to do!

Oh!

Oh...

Cabbage patch down!

"How... to get...

girls to your party

right now."

_

"Sofistic8ed party casting"?

Do you need to crank your party up a notch?

Well, now there are hundreds of girls

waiting to join the fun.

Huh.

Sofistic8ed party casting.

The premier party
casting app on the market.

You pay, they play.

Get quality, upscale,
classy, local female guests

to your party in under 30 minutes.

Well, it's local.

That's good for the economy.

Turn your regular party

into a sophisticated party.

Oh. Uh...

Number of girls.

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

Um... 25?

Wow.

That's expensive.

What looks good?

You sure you're okay?

Oh, this?

Yeah, it's just some busted capillaries.

No big.

So, um... hey, do you want to,

like, go sit at a table somewhere?

I've been craving some
Josh Chan quality time.

Oh, I'd love to, but I
got to sit with the boys.

You know how camp is, boys versus girls,

girls have cooties, bleh.

Right. Right, right.

I was thinking the same thing,
like, ugh, you're so gross,

get away from me.

Okay. I'll catch you...

Yeah.

Hey, can I... Can I squeeze inskies?

Nope.

I think it's just rachet.

I admire that confidence. It is crusty.

Exactly. Nothing, right?

His name is Phil.

His name is Phil.

First sign. That should've been...

Hey, I'm just gonna...

Can I, can I scoot in
here? Can I scoot in here?

You know what? I'm gonna be...

Sorry, I'm just gonna
be confident like her.

I'm sorry, I'm just gonna
be confident like her

and I'm just gonna get in.

Great.

Hey, is anyone else

getting bitten up by
mosquitoes around here?

Maybe it's just me with
my sweet, sweet skin.

So I called him, then I texted him,

then I Snapchatted him;
Never heard back from him.

Next thing I know, he's on
a waterslide with some skank.

And he tagged me in the picture.

- No, he didn't!
- Yes!

- That is so like him.
- He tagged me.

Are you kidding? Right?!

- So like him.
- Dumb!

You know what, that's,
that's a crazy thing to do,

but honestly, when we focus on men,

it just makes them more powerful.

So just forget this guy.

I promise you, in ten years,
you won't even remember him.

♪ Baseball cap!

♪ Bandana!

It's intentional.

♪ Tear tattoo!

I'm sorry, really quick question:

Is there a place around here

to take a photo?

Like, away from everything else?

To go into nature

and just take a photo of myself, alone?

Good idea.

Go be alone.

Ooh!

Went there.

I really don't like this
woman-on... look at me.

I really don't like this
woman-on-woman aggression.

Like, instead of cutting each other down,

we should be building each other up.

Like Kayla... you, for instance,
have a real air of gravitas.

I do not.

I've been tested.

- Amen.
- She has been.

- Several times.
- Yeah.

That's not what an air
of grav... never mind.

Let's circle back to the photo.

Where can I take a photo?

Well, there's Blowie Point
at the top of the hill.

Blowie point? Oh, 'cause it's windy?

Yup.

So windy it knocks you to your knees.

- That's a hazard.
- Mm-hmm.

We should put handrails up there.

Okay, well, I'll bring my windbreaker.

Uh, thank you, sister friends.

Girl power.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Now, this is a party.

You really came through, D-dawg.

D-dawg.

- Right?
- Oh, yeah.

Darryl just barked like a dog.

- Are we sure he's not...
- He's okay?

He may not be.

There's, uh...

A lot of girls here, dude.

Yeah, but men spend too
much time thinking about women.

We should spend more time

in-in drum circles,

in wielding swords, in chopping wood...

What are we talking about, man?

Wait a minute.

Is that... ?

Whoa. Ashley Pratt.

Dude, you were in love
with her since, like...

Kindergarten.

She's perfect.

That is the perfect woman.

Ashley would never come to
our parties in high school.

She's an actress in L.A.
now, did you know that?

She played a sexy barista
on Last Man Standing

and then a sad barista

- in the Entourage movie...
- Okay.

... and then in Battlestar
she was a space barista.

I bet she makes hot coffee.

Here she comes. She's coming.

- She's coming. Just...
- No, no, no.

- What do we say?
- No, she's-she's stopping.

- She stopped.
- That's fine.

No, she's coming.

Josh. Uh, do you remember

how you were telling
me about Instagram LPPs,

Likes Per Post?

Well, I'm reading an article right now

that says to maximize your LPPs,

you want to take sunset photos.

I know, right?

They're actually the most liked photos,

behind fitness girls with big butts

and slow-motion dogs.

Really?

Yeah, they used an algorithm.

Oh, no.

Yeah, no... it's a math thing.

- So, anyway...
- Oh.

I think I'm gonna go up the hill at sunset.

And take some selfies at Blowie Point.

Blowie Point?

Yeah, I know it's really windy up there.

I'm-I'm bringing my windbreaker.

But anyway, I just came to let you know

that tonight I think my Instagram likes

are gonna hit the trip digs.

Oh, maybe I should go up with you.

Um... ooh...

I don't know if I want you going up with me

and competing with me for Instagram likes.

I kind of want to beat you
in that regard, you know?

All right, you are on.

Meet you up there at sunset.

Okay.

Now it's a challenge.

I'll see you up there, Chan.

Bring your windbreaker.

- Oh, my God.
- Hello.

I know you guys

from high school.

You're Hector.

You offered me pot to go to a party

and I punched you.

I didn't press charges.

You're white Josh.

You're white

and you look like Josh Chan

who I, to this day,

have a crush on.

And you are...

You are, um...

Different high school. Private?

Home-schooled.

Yeah.

You have a home-schooled look.

What does that mean?

No, I'm...

No, I... hm-mmm.

Uh, no.

My locker was next to yours.

Greg Serrano.

Debate champion, math team,

student body treasurer...

Nope. Nothing.

I campaigned on the platform
of personal pan pizzas.

We never got those.

Well, I was stuck

with a lame duck student council.

You're funny.

Were you funny before?

Yeah, I was hilarious.

I just never said the jokes out loud.

Mmm.

Do you want to get a wine cooler?

Sure.

It's gonna be so perfect, Paula.

We're gonna be on that hill

under the rainbow of-of
lights and the sun setting,

and I will read him that letter.

That letter?

Honey, we talked about this.

And you understand what...

Blowie Point is, right?

Yes. Oh, my God.

I have a windbreaker.

And it has a hood. Everyone's so worried

about me in the wind. Anyway,

it's gonna be so beautiful,
because I really think

all of the years of emotion
will just well up and...

Speaking of welling up,
what's that on your chest?

What? What are you talking about?

Um... it kind of looks like

you're sporting a third nipple.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... oh, my God,

It's the mosquitoes!

You didn't use the bug
spray I packed for you?!

Uh, that's not a sexy smell.

You know, it's literally
intended to be repellent.

You know what? This'll be fine.

I'll put some concealer on this.

That's what makeup's for.
Bing, bang, boom. Done.

Babe, that doesn't look
like a regular bug bite.

That looks like an allergic reaction.

You're not a doctor. I have to go, okay?

So, uh, bye.

It's not... allergic.

It's not an allergic...

I can't breathe...

My tongue's swelling...

Are you there, God?

It's me.

Wake up, honey. Wake up.

Mm! What?

Where am I?

Am I in the Matrix?

Am I Neo?

Am I Gretel? Where's Hansel?

Did you eat him?

You're in the medical center, honey.

You had a little incident. You
went into anaphylactic shock.

Ana... oh, my God.

Wait. Wait, so how did I get here?

Turns out,

my dear, you are allergic to mosquitoes.

It's called Skeeter syndrome.

It's rare, but I saw it in 'Nam.

Wow, you were in 'Nam?

Last summer. It was great!

I got a massage for two dollars.

You should rest.

You look like a tornado survivor.

No, I can't rest.

Oh, no, I can't rest. I
came here for one thing.

Oh, the woman's empowerment lecture.

I'm looking forward to that.

No, um, not that.

I have to go make a boy
love me at Blowie Point.

You really should adjust the way you talk

about being in 'Nam...
It-it's quite confusing.

Hi.

Hey. Working on the perfect...

Selfie angle... whoa.

What happened to you?

Oh, I'm just an allergic
bug tornado survivor.

It's no big deal.

That's why Epipens were invented.

It's fine.

You know, maybe we should wait

for the sun to go down a little bit.

Get a glow on our faces?

That sounds great, yeah.

Oh, let me, um...

It's so funny it's not
windy at all up here.

Oh, thank you.

So, while we're waiting
for the sun to go down,

I want to show you something.

I was going through some old stuff

the other day,

and I randomly came across this old letter

it's from our Camp Canyon Grove...

Oh! Days, yeah.

And I was like, "oh, my God,

I have to show Josh this letter."

So, do you, do you want me to read it?

Uh, okay.

Great, it... Okay, cool.

♪ Dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪

♪ I remember the moment it began ♪

♪ you were playing frisbee shirtless ♪

♪ on the field across the
lake next to the dumpster ♪

♪ and your skin glistened
in the sunlight ♪

♪ all your moles, a
constellation on your chest ♪

♪ dear Joshua, when we frolic ♪

♪ I feel like, and
not to be hyperbolic ♪

♪ but I feel like I
could die of happiness ♪

♪ when I'm nestled in
your hairless arms ♪

♪ we're like Tristan and Isolde ♪

♪ ancient lovers rotting
desperately in the forest... ♪

So, oh, oh,

do you think it's funny?

Yeah!

Totally, right?

16-year-olds
are absurd!

I was a total

doofus back then.

And you were so dramatic and, like, weird.

I mean, "rotting in the forest"?

Like, what?

That's so weird! Yeah.

That's why I showed it to you.

That's why I showed it to you, totally.

And, yeah, I'm so glad
I'm not like this anymore.

Come on, um,

read-read the rest of it. Oh...

What else does it say?

Oh, it's like, the rest of it's like,

more of, like, the same stupid, like,

like, blah, blah, blah,
you know, corn pops.

And yada yada, fudgsicles

and fireflies... I mean, it's nothing.

Can we take the selfie?

I think the sun's perfect. Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Okay.

♪ Superfunnyletter.

_

Yeah. Uh, cool.

I got to go empower some women.

Okay.

Don't touch me.

Why do we have to do this again?

Mandatory, remember?

Whoa.

Hot mess alert!

The word "ovary" derives from the

the Latin "ophor"

Which means "to bear."

What's Latin for "stupid"?

And what a heavy burden we bear

as the women in contemporary society.

We are like oxen

strapped to the yolk

of the patriarchy...

That's not oxen.

That's a cow.

And together as sisters,
we must pull the cart

of feminism to...

Is that a tampon?

Why are you so mean to me?

I have had the worst day.

And I feel so sad

and small right now.

Just leave me alone...

Are you okay, Cabbage Patch?

Why doesn't he love me?!

Whoa.

That bitch is thirsty.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be here.

I'm not one to speak about
feminism or empowerment.

I am desperately in love with a man

who will never love me back.

I'm the one who needs to be empowered.

Don't worry.

We'll empower you up.

What?

I can't believe

we ran into each other.

I know.

So, you're-you're an actress now.

Right, I Goog... I read about that,

I think in the, uh, uh,

student, uh, newsletter.

Yeah, well, I'm trying,

but it's not going very well.

Oh, come on.

You were in "Bones".

I played a dead barista.

And you didn't move once.

You had coffee all over you.

Was that hot?

Uh, it wasn't real coffee.

I was jok... it's okay.

Oh.

See? See?

- I bought it, kind of.
- Oh...

Oh, this is why I should've been
talking to you in high school,

instead of talking to jerks and dumb jocks.

It's okay.

That was their time.

Now they're doing time.

Hey-o! Ah!

... We'd meet at sundown,

and so I reading letter,
and he laughing at me

and I saying, "corn
pops, blah, blah, blah,"

but I meaning you just
broke my heart again!

God, that reminds me so much of Jaden.

Mm.

I was super into this guy.

And he was only using me

for my discount at the taco place.

At least you have a
crush on a guy like Josh.

I mean, most of the guys I go out with,

they just send over a dirty
pic with a text that says "WYD."

Mm.

Why is Yanni dancing?

What does that mean?

Why is that pertinent?

No. No, no, no.

- What you doing?
- Oh.

It's like, if you can't
even type out a word,

I'm not gonna take my clothes off. Mm.

At least send an emoji.

Like the chipmunk

eating the block of cheese?

I get that. I'm coming over.

No questions asked.

Ladies, I don't know what to do.

I have tried everything
to get Josh's attention

and get him to love me, but it-it's like,

he doesn't even see me.

Boys are tough.

Life's tough.

I taught myself to read
while I was locked in a box.

Like, in jail?

No.

An actual box.

Whoa.

And in that box,

I learned to never put a man first.

Or he'll lock you in the box.

My God.

I also learned it's not a bad idea

to keep almonds in your pocket at all times

in case of emergencies.

Want one?

Yeah, I am a little hungry, thanks.

See, but that is the one thing
a girl needs to teach herself

over and over and over again.

Never put a man first.

- Mm-mm.
- Put yourself first.

You're totally right.

Like, I should read Gloria Steinem

and take a ceramics class

and grow my pit hair out, you know?

It's like, stuff like that...

No.

What you need is a makeover.

♪ Put yourself first,
girl, worry about yourself ♪

♪ make yourself sexy
just for yourself ♪

♪ so when dudes see
you put yourself first ♪

♪ they'll be like, "damn you're
hot... want to make out?" ♪

♪ push them boobs up
just for yourself ♪

♪ wear six-inch heels
just for yourself ♪

If it's just for myself,
shouldn't I be comfortable?

♪ No, put yourself
first in a sexy way ♪

♪ Pierce your ears just for yourself ♪

♪ put a hole in your
earlobe just for yourself ♪

♪ brace yourself, this is gonna hurt ♪

♪ put yourself first in a sexy way... ♪

♪ Put yourself first,
girl, worry about yourself ♪

♪ wear fake eyelids just for yourself ♪

♪ so when dudes see
you put yourself first ♪

♪ they'll be like... Damn, you're hot ♪

♪ let's buy a house in Portland ♪

♪ put yourself first for him ♪

♪ that's what you got to do ♪

♪ put yourself first for him ♪

If I put myself first for him,

then, by definition, aren't
I putting myself second?

♪ Don't think about it
too hard, too, too hard ♪

♪ don't think about it
too hard, too, too hard ♪

♪ it's a wormhole ♪

♪ it's a Mobius strip ♪

♪ it's snake eats tail ♪

♪ it's the infinity sign ♪

♪ get a tattoo of the infinity sign ♪

♪ on your lower back ♪

♪ just for yourself ♪

But I can't see my lower back.

Also, can we go back to the fake eyelid?

Is that a thing now?

Yes.

♪ Put yourself first in a sexy way ♪

♪ put yourself first for him. ♪

Thank you, sisters.

I feel so much better now.

Girls got to look out for each other.

- Mm-hmm.
- We got it.

Oh, my God.

Look who it is.

Hey, girls.

Wow, Becks, you look cool.

You're all "Becky from the block."

That's funny.

Uh.

Hey, uh, can I talk to
you for a sec, alone?

Um, you know, like, when I have time.

Okay, uh, let me know.

But now, now's good.

I'm-I'm not doing anything now.

So now's super-good.

I don't have anything going on.

Now.

I'm taking a hip-hop
class at my church. Mmm.

- It's called "Grooves."
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, hey, daddy long legs.

Want to put a coaster under that thing?

Ma'am? Ma'am? Sophistic8ted, I think not.

You know, actually, can... ?

I have an announcement to make.

Can we just watch the veneer, ladies?

It's... not that... You
know, not that difficult.

Geez Louise.

Thank you.

♪ They all wanna be, wanna be me... ♪

♪ ♪

I'm so bummed. I have to go.

But you have my number
now, so text me, okay?

- Yes.
- I'd really like to see you again.

Me too. That would be great.

You're such a
down-to-earth guy,

not like the douche bags in L.A.

I feel like

you're the kind of person
a girl could really...

Settle down with someday.

What?

Becks, I couldn't stop thinking about it,

and I went back up to Blowie Point.

So I found your letter.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you didn't read the
whole thing, did you?

Tristan and who?

♪ dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪

♪ it's music when I hold your hand ♪

♪ I loved you from the
moment that I saw you ♪

♪ you're my hero, I believe in you ♪

♪ there's nothing you can't do ♪

♪ you make a difference in the world ♪

♪ and you make all the
difference in the world ♪

♪ to... me... ♪

Oh, my God, Josh, I...

I told you, when I was that age,

I was really dramatic and
weird, and I was so hormonal,

so whatever I said in this letter...

Rebecca, what you said

about believing in me, about...

Truly understanding who I am,

no one has ever said
anything like that about me.

Do you mind if I keep it?

Not at all. Please.

Cool.

You know, all my life, I've
wondered if I was good enough

or, smart enough,

but now I know you've
always believed in me.

You always support me in who I am.

Getting me hired at Aloha's

and coming to this camp.

I love this camp.

You never tried to change me.

That means so much.

You have no idea.

It's ironic.

You came here to empower some girls,

but, instead you empowered this goofball.

See you later, Becks.

Bye.

What the hell?

You're a grown-ass woman.

He should have been
kissing you on your mouth.

Yeah, she's still thirsty, Josh.

Uh-uh, I'm not thirsty anymore, Tanya.

Right now,

in this moment...

I feel quenched.

Gross.

I'm, uh, I'm not ready to
say good-bye to this pâté.

- You mind if I take some with me?
- Absolutely.

Hey, you know what,

you don't have to stick
around and help me clean up.

Honestly, I mean, everybody
else has already bailed.

Oh, no, no, it's cool, bro.

I was also the social
director of my fraternity,

so I also know that everyone
leaves you with a wet bathroom.

How does it get so wet?

No one knows.

Hey, you know why I really
wanted to have a party?

Huh?

Well, it's just...

Like, it's really tough on me
when my daughter isn't around.

I get a little sad.

Just wanted to be a little less... lonely,

make some friends.

Well, you made one.

That girl with the tube top?

No, I... I paid for her.

I paid for all the girls, actually.

Uh...

Oh, I'm sorry, you mean you.

Yeah, yeah, that's... That's what I meant.

Oh, thank you.

All right, I better jet.

All right. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Later, bro.

♪ ♪

Oof.

My health insurance doesn't cover therapy,

so I'm stuck with this.

But it was in the library's free
book bin, so you know it's good.

There is a dead spider
sticking out of the binding.

So far it's been really fun.

I've learned a lot

about being emotionally naked.

Ew. Throw on an emotional robe, please.

Heather, seriously, I'm sorry.

If someone even hints
about being exclusive,

I get nervous that they're gonna bail.

And according to this
book, it's because I am a...

"Dumb-ass."

That's cool.

You are who you are.

So... bye.

Uh, where are you going?

I get real for one minute, and you're out?

Sorry, it's just that I have a date.

Is it Zeke?

I drunk-Googled him.

I get it.

The abs, the tats, it works.

No.

Uh, the movie starts at 7:00.

The date is with you, dummy.

I was, like, trying to do a cute thing.

Again, s... So subtle.

I... I'm in.

I commit to this movie.

Okay.

But if we do this again, you
can't be an idiot this time.

Never again.

Come on, let's go.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You need this.

Yes, I do.

How was your last trip to camp?

Was it sad to say good-bye?

I don't know...

... 'cause I didn't.

Excuse me?

I'm going back every year.

It's who I am.

It's important to me.

I can't believe you're
talking to me like this.

It's called empowerment.

You know, they say you
can't go back in time.

But "they" are dumb.

'Cause you totally can.

That trip to camp was a triumph.

I mean, it wasn't just a
victory, it was a mandate.

Like, you could invade

any country that you wanted to right now,

because...

He kissed you.

I mean, he didn't kiss me, he
just kissed me on the cheek.

Um, it's the way that he kissed you.

And listen to me, a kiss
on the cheek means...

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

What-what does it mean?

Well, sometimes it means nothing.

Mmm.

Uh, sometimes it means it's your aunt Lucy,

and she hasn't seen you since you were 11,

but sometimes...

Sometimes it means...

... everything.

- It does?
- It does?

Come on, Chloe.

Let me out of the box.

Say it again.

Female wage disparity needs to be rectified

through congressional action.

Good boy.

Ugh, that was worth at least three almonds.