Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - I'm Going to the Beach with Josh and His Friends! - full transcript

Attempting to cozy up to Josh's friends, Rebecca rents a party bus for a trip to the beach. Meanwhile, Paula becomes fed up with Rebecca; Darryl decides to crash the party; and Rebecca's web of lies begin to unravel.

No matter what,

we will always have each other.

Your illness has brought us together,

so thank you, cancer,

for showing us what
friendship is all about.

We'll all be friends...

Till the end.

What's up, man?

How's it going, bro?

Man, that was crazy, man...

♪ I have friends ♪

♪ I definitely have friends ♪

♪ friends, friends, friendly friends ♪

♪ I have all the friends. ♪

Ah, that movie was so us.

- Mm-hmm.
- Except none of us have cancer.


I totally relate to Chad,

the sensitive jock who eats
clean and journals hard.

Yeah, and I'm so the bad-boy rich kid

who sleeps with that hot girl in remission.

And I am so exactly like that caring nurse

who donated her bone marrow.

You didn't feel any connection
to the vain yoga instructor?

She was fat.


What a cool crew.


Beach day Saturday?

Gonna be one of those
classic January scorchers.

Brilliant idea.

Uh, brilliant?

We're really lowering
the bar for that word.

Oh, I think we're raising the bar...

On the roof.

Yeah, you didn't think about that, did you?

No, it doesn't really make sense.

But, uh, why don't we
skip the beach this time

and do something different for a change,

like go to the Getty in L.A.?

It's a museum, let's see some art.


Nah, nah, let's stick to the beach.

They have art there.

They have that lady that
paints bikinis on the girls.

Yeah, I'm so stoked.

And I promise this time

I'm not gonna oversleep and miss it.

You probably will.

Come on, Greg.

It's a crew day.

Yeah, it's just not gonna be the same

without your running commentary about sand.

I am pretty good at that.

I'm, like, the Seinfeld of the beach.

"What's the deal with sand?

"Just a bunch of tiny rocks.

"We're supposed to enjoy
walking on tiny rocks?

"And then it gets its own paper?


Sounds just like him.

So are you leaving us hanging,
or are you coming with?

All right.

- Yeah.
- You win.

At least we'll get out of this town.

And I can bring a
friend. There's this girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, a girl?

An extra person?

But that would mean we'd
have to take two cars.

The classic crew fits in one car.

Firm no, dude.

Why do we have to be like Nazis about this?

We've been doing the same
thing since we were 16.

Oh, no.

It's her.

Oh, hey, Becks.

What are you doing?

- Yeah.
- Don't call her over.

She's so weird.

Be nice.

I don't understand

why she keeps popping
up all over the place.

Why did she move here again?

She was offered a killer job in town.

Why else would she move here?

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪

♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪

♪ and so I decided to move ♪

♪ to West Covina, California ♪

♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪

♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪

♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ what? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.

♪ C-r-a-z-y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Hi. So did you guys just...
Did you guys just see the movie?

I loved the part

where all of the friends

shave their heads in solidarity

with the one friend who was getting chemo.

Like, I would totally do that
if I was in a crew with you guys.

Or someone else, if I was
in just a separate group.

Oh, hey, Becks, you have a
little, like, popcorn there.


It's just a little...

- It's... it's right...
- Where?

Well, it's... it's, like...

- It's just, like, back there.
- I'm sorry.

- It's so funny.
- When I get down to the dregs of

the popcorn, I just drink the bucket.

You know?

Oh, man, I do that, too, totally.

Uh, just, Valencia hates it.

Right, babe?

Well, I should...

I should get going.



What are you doing Saturday?

Nothing. Why?

We're going to the beach.

You should come.

- Really?
- Really?

- What is happening?
- Wait.

You want me, Rebecca,

to come to the beach with you guys?


Yeah, I'd love to.


- Josh will text you the deets.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, I'll see you guys at the beach.

Can't wait.

Okay, bye.

What was that?

Yeah, what was that?

I was just being nice to a fellow woman.

You can't invite other people.

What happened to the rules of the crew?

You guys are always saying Rebecca's cool.

And obviously she has no friends.

And I just decided to be nice.

Is that so hard to believe?

- Uh...
- No.

- No.
- Nope.

I can be nice to a girl. No.

We got to stick together, you know?

Give me that guitar.

♪ Women got to stick together ♪

♪ each and every day ♪

♪ women got to stick together ♪

♪ in each and every way ♪

♪ females helping females ♪

♪ for the greater good ♪

♪ sisters helping sisters ♪

♪ that's called sisterhood ♪

♪ women have the power ♪

♪ the power to make a change ♪

♪ like, this girl should
pluck her eyebrows ♪

♪ and those jeans should be exchanged ♪

You really need to size up.

♪ Some girls are born tall and thin ♪

♪ and some are short and fat ♪

♪ this girl smells like sausages ♪

♪ but there's nothing wrong with that ♪

♪ women got to stick together ♪

♪ all across this land ♪

♪ except Denise Martinez ♪

♪ that bitch I cannot stand ♪

Oh, hey, Denise.

Hey, girl.

♪ Females helping females ♪

♪ like this girl here
with the blotchy face ♪

♪ She banged her best
friend's boyfriend ♪

♪ in the bathroom of that
half-priced Sushi place ♪


Oh, you didn't know?

♪ So let's all spread this message ♪

♪ like Caitlin spreads disease ♪

♪ 'cause a change is coming faster ♪

♪ than Ashley drops to her knees ♪

♪ together we can clear these hurdles ♪

♪ except Marisa, 'cause
she's four-foot-eight ♪

♪ we can climb every Mountain ♪

♪ if the rope can support ♪

♪ Haley's weight ♪


♪ Women got to stick together ♪

♪ do everything we can ♪

♪ so if some weird
troll named Rebecca ♪

♪ moves here from New York
and is all up on my boyfriend ♪

♪ I'm gonna... lend
her a helping hand ♪

♪ women got to stick together ♪

♪ and tell each other the truth ♪

♪ the truth is you're all fat sluts ♪

♪ and that's called ♪

♪ sisterhood. ♪

So I'm trying to brainstorm what
I can bring to this beach day

to really wow everyone.

Oh, my gosh.

The answer's clear now
that I'm talking out loud.

Word games.

Duh, of course.

I mean, like, Scrabble,
Mad Libs, all the hits.

Hell, maybe I'll even bring Boggle.


Come on.

This is my audition to
be in their friend group.

Support me.

All right, maybe word games are lame.

But number games...

We're talking Sudoku, maybe
some fraction flash cards.

Oh, we could sing the Pi song.

♪ Three-point-one-four-
one-five-nine, two-six... ♪

Snap out of it.

Cookie, you are fooling yourself.

This is not an audition, it is a trap.

And Valencia is playing with
you like a cat with a chipmunk.

See, I thought about that, too,

but even if it is a trap, I don't care.

I'll just chipmunk my
way... Out of that trap.

Yeah, I don't care how I got invited.

The point is, I got invited.

And I have a chance to be
in a real group of friends.


Honey, they don't care about you.

And more to the point,
you don't care about them.

They are just a stepping-stone
on the way to Josh.

Oh, my God, no, they're not.

Oh, God, I-I'm tired of the ruse.

You won't admit, even to
me, after all these months,

that you are madly in love with Josh Chan.

And now you are going to be

willingly humiliated by "Vaseline".

- That's not her name.
- You are just setting yourself up

for another one of your disasters.

What do you mean, "another
one of my disasters"?

Taco festival, the Spiders debacle,

getting stuck in your shrink's doggie door,

begging a client to sleep with your mother,

and lest we forget "poopsgiving."

Those were unfortunate
but random occurrences.

No, if the same bad things
keep happening over and over,

there is a reason for it, and
in your case, it is denial.

And that is why everything
you do backfires.

And you may be fine continuing on this way,

but I can't take it anymore.

Until you admit that you
love Josh Chan, I'm out.

Oh, my God, there's nothing to admit.

You want to keep lying?


Lose my phone number.

But just about the Josh stuff.

I mean, we're still on for
mani-pedis at lunch, right?

Yeah. Hey, uh, but wait.

About the Josh stuff, I am
right, and you are wrong.

I'm gonna have a great time
at the beach on Saturday

with my friends.

You're going to the beach on Saturday?

Wait, how'd you know that?

Well, you just shouted it.

Oh. Yeah.

I was just wondering if, you know,

you wanted somebody to tag along.

I mean, I don't want to brag,

but I make a mean bean dip.

It travels really well.


I mean, ever since my divorce
went through, it's just...

I feel like something's missing.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, Darryl,

but we gotta kind of keep this

in the main gang, you know?

It's like an inside crew thing.

Oh, oh! I have an idea.

Something you could use to
get me in with the group.

You know what we did for Madison's birthday

that was a great deal?

Oh, it was awesome.

Everybody loved it.

Party bus.

We got a party bus. It was so much fun.

Oh... I could call 'em.

Yeah, uh, Darryl, that sounds fun,

but, you know, you don't
have to try that hard

to get people to like you.

Hey, guys.

Did somebody order a party bus?

Oh... my... God.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that... that's for us?


It's for my other best friends.

Oh, it's not...

No, it's for you.

Oh, it is for us.


Awesome, I've never been in one of these.

Rebecca, you shouldn't have.

Seriously, you shouldn't have,

those buses are tacky and horrible.

Greg, come on, it's gonna be a lot of fun.

There's lots of stuff on there you'll like,

like alcohol.

Wait, where's, uh, Hector?

Uh, he overslept, as usual.

Oh, my God, that is so Hector.

Wait, that is so Hector, right?

- Uh, yep.
- Yep.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Well, this looks amazing,

so I'm gonna hop on board

and see what the situation is.

Looks very cool.

Come on, let's get on
the bus, it'll be fun.

So when you want to take one car,

we're supposed to take one car,

but when you want to take a party bus,

we're just supposed to do that?

Right! Well summarized.

Great. Let's just go.

Whoa, whoa. What's that?

Craft beer?

We don't drink that.

It's gonna be so fun.



Oh, ladies first...

Thank you so much, Rebecca.

This was such a great idea.

Usually Josh drives, but now I can

sit on his lap the whole time.

That's really sweet...
But you don't have to sit on his lap.

There are plenty of seats.

But not much AC, right?

'Cause I run very hot,

so I should probably lose some layers.

That's better.

Wow, you just ripped it off like that.

Did you make that?

Or did you buy that in a store?

Did you, like, buy that in a store

that sells, like, rip-off-able clothing?

Anybody else?

Anybody else for fun? Nope? Okay.

Hey, guys, let's sing the Pi song

all the way to the beach.

♪ Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine. ♪

Okay, so I could've gone
with cheaper options,

but I spare no expense for ma homies.

Let me show you what we got.

So we got 12 cloudy Martini glasses,

we got four off-brand bottles of cola,

we got a standard-def
TV and laser disc player

and then, finishing
touch, my favorite thing...

And we're already stuck in traffic.

- What?
- But not to worry.

I made an awesome playlist.

I have a bunch of cool
new songs by new bands.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Songs we don't know?

That-that we can't sing along to?

For a beach trip?

Are you gonna hand out sheet music?

Like, how's that gonna work?

Hold up.

Is that a microphone?

Time for a little beatbox!


Prepare yourself!

You are now about to exp...

Dr. Robochan's prescription...

To get your body rockin'.

Oh, yeah! lookit!

We're, like, three minutes in

and we're already dancing!

Oh, your...

Robotic sounds...

are hypnotizing me.


I hope to become sentient.

Oh, wait, that hope

is evidence of sentience.

Ha! Yeah!

Wait, what?

Hey, hey, you want to get a pic

- for, like, the haters out there?
- Oh, yeah, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's do this.


- Thanks, man.
- Nice.

Oh, cool, you guys are dancing!

Yeah, let me get in there.

Let's get in. Let's let Rebecca in.

Stop! Rebecca time!


Okay, let's...

Oh! And... beep, beep.

Tell the conductor that the little caboose

is trying to latch on.



Well, you guys got this, so...

I'm gonna let them... I'm gonna let...

They're having couple time.

You know what?

- I'm gonna sit this one out.
- You okay?

Oh, yeah.

How you doing?

- Hi.
- This is fun.

I always like to start my beach trip

with a live sex show.

Oh, yeah, it's super gross.

It's like, get a room.

So how are you?

Pretty great, actually.

Night school is awesome...

Thank you for that suggestion...

And, um, there's some
other good stuff, too.

Well, that's great.

You know, I've always thought
you deserve to be happy.

- That's what I always say, Greg.
- Oh, this is it!

Can you take this exit, please?

Huh? Exit?

In that parking lot right over there.

Wait, what's going on?

Uh, we're just gonna make a quick stop.

Wait, wait, wait. We don't stop.

We never stop, even to go to the bathroom.

"Can't stop, won't stop."

OMG, I love a group motto.

- "Can stop, are stopping."
- That's not as catchy.

Uh, be right... just a second.

What'll be just a second?

Dude, what'll be just a second?

Why is he so cryptic?

Hey, neighbor.

Heather, you know Josh,

and this is Valencia and white Josh.


What's up?

Um, I thought we decided
this was a classic crew day.

No, you decided.

And I decided to bring a date.

Wow. Okay.

So this is just the wild west, then.

This is so gross and tacky.

Hey. Um, I'm sorry,

I didn't know that you
and Greg knew each other.


Yeah, we met at your house.

At your weird party.

Oh... okay...

Oh, so I'm the... got it.

I'm the connector of you guys.

You are welcome.

Oh, yeah,

and then we, like, hung
out over the holidays.


You hung out over the hol...

Oh. That's great.

Is this, like, a date?

Are you, are you guys dating?

I don't know.

Do people still use that word?

Uh, yeah.

They... yeah.

Cool, dating, yeah.

Great! Okay.

Uh, thank you for, uh,
uh, clearing that up.

It... it is official.

Mazel. Mazel.

- What?
- Hey, date, come on.

I'm gonna get you a drink

in one of these nice cloudy glasses

that I think are clean
but I'm not really sure.

- Oh. Yeah.
- But I'll take care of that.

You guys are so cute.



Never seen side kissing.

Get away from all these weirdos in there.

Whoa, fancy trick.

Hey, Whi-Jo!

Let's rap!

Let's talk.

Really, this is a chance for
us to get to know each other.

Tell me all about you.

Don't skip anything.

I want to know what makes you tick.

Didn't see that coming.


I don't know where to begin.

I guess the most important thing

is that when I was six,

- I was a fat kid.
- Oh.

So when I was seven,

I decided, you know, it
was time to tighten it up.

No more junk food, no
more candy, no more...

You know, I think there's a
real dilemma that we're facing

with the way we feed our children,

and I was a victim of...

Oh, it's okay.

Okay, let's, uh, let's recap.

So my first favorite exercise

was kettle bell swing,

the second was the farmer's carry.

Four were burpees, but I think
I'm gonna go back on that...

Whoa, guys!

So much traffic, am I right?

It's like, when will it end?

You know what? I am gonna take a risk

and hit the old bus bathroom.

Oh, no, but if you leave,

I won't have anyone...

Oh, my God! Guys, guys, guys, guys...

Guys, guys, you have to
stop what you're doing.

Stop what you're doing right now,

you have to look out the window.

There is... Oh, my God, so funny.

There is some, like, loser in traffic

and he's the one holding everything up.

Oh, my God.

I mean, like, clearly, he messed up.

Like, what kind of moron would... ?



That's Darryl.

Darryl could be a bus
buddy, someone to talk to...

Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!

Hey, driver! Mister!

Mr. Driver! Mr. Driver!

Stop the bus. Stop the bus.

Just stop it!

Oh, you're getting off?

That's probably for the best.

No, my boss is-is outside.

No, listen, I-I need this, okay?

I need help.

For him.


Thank you for stopping.

Oh, it's like Xanadu.


What an

to run into you and your friendos, Rebecca!



This day has been a nightmare.

I mean, I just happened to
decide to go to the beach

but then I was so excited

about hitting the rays and catching the sun

that, well, I didn't happen to look

at ye olde gas gauge.

Anyway, I pull over to
the side of the road,

and then some people in a car drive by

and yell, "Hey! Magnum P.I."

Which I was actually excited about,

but then they flicked
a lit cigarette at me.

But it's okay.

It's okay, I-I caught it.


- Ugh. Oh.
- Wow.

But I did rescue

the classic beach must-have, bean dip!

And if you people don't eat this,

I'm gonna kill myself.

So... here's hoping.

Okay, uh...

- Can I just... Can I see you...
- Sure.

For just a second.

So I'm gonna ignore the fact
that you kind of creepily

followed me to the beach...

Oh, no, wait a minute.

I didn't follow you to the beach...

It does... it does not matter.

The point is, Darryl,

I'm so glad you're here.


Oh, it's so nice

to have a friend here, okay.

So, let's connect, let's talk,

let's break past that work barrier.

Ah... ah!

It is hot in that bathroom.

Is that...

You guys go in there yet?

'Cause it's really hot.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's terrible.

It-it's like he's allergic to shirts.


That's Josh Wilson.

No, his name's White Josh.

Wait, do you know him?

You know him?

He's a trainer at my gym.

He is like my workout idol.

He is my fitspiration.

Oh, God.

I'm telling you, I've just

never had the nerve to talk to him.

- It's just...
- Hey, we got a new guy.

Welcome aboard.

Uh, do you work at a 24-hour gym?

- I do, yeah.
- On East Cameron?

Yep, that's the one.

Oh, my gosh, I...

Oh, I have, like, a
million questions for you.

Oh, yeah?

- Oh, my gosh.
- What-what you got? Hit me.

Okay, first of all,

how many pull-ups can you actually do?

Because I saw you do 24 once.

I don't want to overestimate, but...

Uh, maybe I do.

Anyway, but, uh, I saw you do 24.

- Yeah, yeah. - But I felt like you were
really only, like, halfway through.

Depends on the workout, but I'm at 57

if you're just talking about
as many as I can do at once.

That's... I'm not, I'm
not satisfied with that.

Hey, Darryl, Darryl, I
thought we were gonna hang.

I can do, like, two or three. Yeah.

But I just get, I get frustrated,

and then I feel like I hit this wall.

Yeah, sure, sure. You know what I mean?

You got to commit.

You said you go to that gym?

I've been by it.

I just... Oh, oh, you're not a member?

Not a paid member, but I
feel like I know everybody there.

Like the guy

that-that does the-the thing
at the door with the guests.


I got this.

What's happening?

I don't know, but I'm so excited.

All eyes on me.

Oh, they're on you.

♪ Sweeter than honey from a Bumblebee ♪

♪ you sting me every time
you move to the beat ♪

- Oh, my.
- What?

♪ I'm like a freight train
headed for your candy ♪

♪ I want to taste it now ♪

♪ your sweet love shall be mine ♪

♪ gonna lick it like a lollipop ♪

♪ tastes so good,
I'm never gonna stop ♪

♪ gonna have a little,
then a little more ♪

♪ of my fantasy,
yeah, it's your candy ♪

♪ I want to taste ♪

♪ your sweet temptation ♪

♪ your love is my sugar ♪

♪ your love is so sticky sweet ♪

♪ your love is my sugar ♪

♪ your love is all I need ♪

♪ show me what you got ♪

♪ show me all of your goods ♪

♪ come a little closer,
and I'll take a look ♪

This could not get any more uncomfortable.

♪ Make me weak ♪

♪ 'cause your body
is my favorite treat ♪

♪ your love is my sugar ♪

♪ your love is all I need ♪

♪ your love is my sugar... ♪

Oh, that's, I think I just...

- I saw something, did you?
- I think I saw inside of her.

♪ Sticky sweet ♪

♪ your love is my sugar ♪

♪ your love is all I need. ♪

Not bad, eh?

That was perfect.

You're all probably wondering,

like, how-how I'm so good at that.

Well, I took a class in New York,

and, I mean, not surprisingly,

I got an "A."

They give grades in pole dancing?

They do if you ask, yeah.

Well, that was really special.

Guys, there's only one reason she did that.

Yeah, to get the party started for my crew.

By showing my boyfriend your cervix?

I don't think you understand
the female reproductive system.

She just did that so Josh could look at her

and her, boobs.

What? No.

No, I... no, I didn't.

I wasn't doing this for a guy.

Oh, my God, who pole-dances
for male attention?

Do you know the name

of the class I took in New York?

It was feminist pole dancing.

Yeah, and as my teacher,

a lovely trans woman
named Professor Goddess,

said that true pole,

true pole is about
re-appropriating the male gaze.

This is not normal!

She is not normal!

Why does Rebecca get a pass
for every crazy thing she does?!

Come on, Valencia.

So you don't like my boyfriend, Rebecca?

No, oh, my God.

I have, like, told you. Oh, no.

I don't like your boyfriend.

I just want to be his friend,

just like I keep trying to be your friend.

Yeah, I think she was just
trying to have fun, you know?

Having fun by hitting on you.

- Hitting on me?
- Oh, my God, okay, Valencia,

like, Valencia, seriously.


I am not into Josh.

- No.
- Like, if I were into Josh,

would I have hooked up

with a faux vegetarian chef from Echo Park?


If I were into Josh,

would I have gotten together

with a man named Jason from Tinder?

Oh, yeah, the little
hairy guy with the balls.

So what? That doesn't prove anything.

Yeah, it does, it-it
proves that I am out there

on the hunt for many non-Josh people.

That's a weird way to phrase that.

Admit it. You're into Josh.

If I were into Josh,

would I have hooked up with Greg

practically, like, the
first day I got here?

This would never have
happened at the Getty.

Wait, wait, wait, you guys hooked up,

right when Rebecca moved here?

If you could call it that.

I would call it... something

that should never have been
spoken of on a party bus.

'Cause I have spent a lot of
time talking to both of you

about whether you should date each other.

Neither of you ever thought to mention

you had already hooked up?

Why do you care?

It's just weird.

I mean, Rebecca has been my
friend for a long time, and...

Josh, you never mentioned to me

or anyone else

that you and Rebecca had dated years ago.

Guys, let's stop talking about this, okay?

I-I'm sorry I brought that up.

Let's-let's change the subject.

Josh, I need to talk to you.

Seriously, guys,

this is my bad.

Let's-let's talk about
something different.

She's right. This is dumb.

Heather, come on, I'm
gonna get you another drink.

What was that look on your
face when you found out

about Greg and Rebecca?

What? Nothing. I was...

- Jealous. Yes.
- I was not.

I am not.

I just don't like secrets, okay?

Just typical Greg, so above it all.

Not telling me stuff.
It's like, "Oh, I'm Greg.

"I'm better than everyone.

I read books and listen to
the talking radio station."

- Typical Greg.
- This just has nothing

to do with Greg.

This has everything to do

with your summer camp
stalker who won't go away.

I'm just friends with her.

I'm not doing anything.

That's the problem.

I'm so tired of Josh's attitude.

He can't tell me who to hook up with.

I'm a grown-ass man.

He's out of line, right?

You guys have a weird thing, all of you.

There's so much drama.

I don't like it.

I don't bring my baggage
with me to every date.

Like, I would never bring
you to a party with Zeke.

Who is Zeke?


I don't like showering at the gym,

because of all, like, the
athlete's foot and stuff.

Sure, sure, you know what?


Keep them in your car.

Oh, my God, great tip.

Yeah, isn't it?

Oh, my God, you're like a chess player

who kind of sees, like, ten steps ahead.

Hey, I-I'm just gonna go to the bathroom,

if anyone's looking for me.


Just get my music.

Can I have my shirt back, Greg?

Yeah, sure.



Hey, Paula.

Could you come get me?

Look at him.

Staring at me.

Focus on the main event, okay?


Rebecca didn't ruin this day.

She brought a party bus
and just wanted everyone

to have fun.

Greg ruined it.

He brought a date and some weird beer,

tried changing our music.

You can't mess with classic beach day

and expect nothing to happen.

It's like he's never
seen "The Butterfly Effect".

This is Josh's fault.

Underneath that laid-back attitude,

he's really controlling and bossy.

I mean, why does he get
to call all the shots?

Because he's likeable?

Who cares about being likeable?

You don't seem to.

I dig that.

Hey, Paula.

I really need you to pick me up.

Of course.

Oh, thank you so much.

You're such a lifesaver.

As soon as you admit you love Josh.


I told you I am tapped out

with the lying and the denial.

You get realsies with me, bunch,

or I am still outskies with you.

No, Paula, wait, you can't do this to me.

You love him. Say it.

- No.
- Say you love him.

- No!
- Do it!

I just want to be his
friend, just like I want

to be all of their friends.

Why don't you understand me?

Paula? Are you...


Did you hang up?

She hung up on me.

Look, and now he just
took the last craft beer,

which he said he didn't even want.

That bastard.

I'm so pissed at him,

I'm gonna drink the last craft beer,

even though it tastes
like thick, soapy shampoo.

- What are you doing?
- No, give it to me.

- What are you doing?
- Dude. Give it to me.

- I was gonna drink it.
- Give me, give me that!

- What are you gonna do?
- You wouldn't appreciate this.

'Cause your palate froze

in 2006, when you drank
too many slurpies in a row.

You don't need a palate to drink a beer.

You need a glass.

That's right, genius.

Oh, so now I'm dumb?

No, not now, always.

- Why do we always have to do
what you want to do? - Ow.

We always drive in your car.

We always are listening
to your horrible music.

You're mean.

You're mean and bitter.

And yet somehow, you're Mr. Popular.

You charm everybody.

Finally a new girl comes to town,

and surprise, you'yo
already Channed all over her.

Well, she was my childhood sweetheart,

and you Gregged her.

Sweetheart? Oh, my God.

Please, just stop talking
about freaking Rebecca.

And why did you blame me?

I'm not your mom who left you,

and I'm not the reason you
still live with your dad

and work at a bar.

I'm in night classes, you jerk!

Don't yell at me, man.

- Back off!
- All right, that's enough.

Stop, stop, stop!

You guys have been
friends since kindergarten.

And he's been a sarcastic
dick the whole time!

And he still hasn't grown up ever!

And you've never fought like this!

What's different about today, huh?

Why are you fighting like this now?

What's the new element today?

Oh, no, is it me?

No, no, no, you're cool, bro.

It's definitely not me.

I didn't do anything.

I'm a student.

What are you even doing here?

You invited me, remember?

No, I don't mean the bus.

Why are you even in our lives?

Because you're my friends.

No, we're not.

No one really knows you.

How did you get to West Covina?

I got on a plane

and then I got to LAX,
because Burbank was sold out,

so then I got on a taxi
and I took it to West Covina

and there was a lot of
traffic and I paid $180

and next time I'll do
a-an airport shuttle.

Why did you move here, Rebecca?

What's, the real reason?

I told you! Oh, my God!

I was in New York,

and I was looking to
relocate to Los Angeles...

I was looking to relocate to Los Angeles,

because I'm just, I'm a beach gal.

I ran into Josh...

Got a really great offer from Darryl.

I get a random call from
a 1/8 Chippewa offering me

a job in West Covina, just like randomly!


You called me.

I remember Karen came in

and she said, "the big
apple's on the line!"

And then you said,

"is there any way you would
consider me for your law firm?

"Because I'll work for super cheap.

I just really want to live in West Covina."

That's what you said.

You called him? You've always said...

Wait, wait, wait... you
always said that he called you

and offered you a job, and
that's why you moved here.

So you mean, you bumped into me

in New York that day,

and from that one conversation,

decided to move to my hometown?


This is exactly what I thought
would happen when I invited you.

A part of me was hoping that I was wrong.

But no.

You're just as crazy as I thought.

No, it's probably

not a big deal. I mean,
there's an explanation.

Right, Rebecca?

Is there an explanation?

Yeah, yes, there is, okay?

It's the truth.

The truth is...

I was miserable in New York.

I was... so depressed.

And all I did was-was work.

I had no life.

The world was just, like, gray.

And then I ran into you, Josh.

And-and you told me about West Covina,

and-and you kept using the word "happy."

And I hadn't, like, thought about that word

in so long and-and it just, like,

reverberated within me.

And so that day, I-I made
the decision that I...

I had to be where the happiness was.

So I put feelers out and I got a job here.


Look, was it impulsive?


Was it crazy?

I don't like that term.

But the point is,

guys, it's the best
decision I've ever made.

I love it here.

I love it.

I love the sunshine.

I love the strip malls where
you can get a foot massage

and a smoothie and a new key made

in, like, less than 20 minutes.

I love driving on the freeway.

I love what the dry heat does to my hair.

I love everything about this place, okay?

So the reason that I'm here,
the real reason that I'm here?

It's not logical, it's not rational.

I'm in love.

With West Covina.

Why didn't you just tell us the truth?

I mean, you see how bonkers it sounds.

I didn't want you all to think I was crazy,

because I want to be your friend.

Oh, hey, dudes.

We're here.

Do you guys get it?

Do you understand why I haven't,

been completely forthcoming?

You guys get it, right?
Greg, Greg, you-you get it.

I don't even know anymore.

It's been a weird day.

Greg, come on.

Come on, Heather.

Let's go get spray-on bikinis.


Thanks for the party bus, neighbor.

I'll see ya.

Hey, man, about earlier...

Oh... don't worry, it's cool.

You know, from now on,

you bring whatever you want, I mean...

You know, people, beverages, music.

Come on, Greg me.

Oh, so you want to get Gregged now?

Well, I'm ready for the beach.

Look, if you want me to keep
a secret, you should tell me.

I'm good with secrets.


Go ahead, Josh, tell her.

She's a liar, and we don't want

to hang out with her anymore.

Valencia, give me a second.

I need to talk to Rebecca.

Yeah, that's right.

Tell her off in private.

She deserves it.

Josh, I'm so sorry

that I lied.

But, the real reason

that I moved here sounds so insane...

But, see, that's just the thing.

I-I don't think it's insane at all.

Wait, what?

Rebecca, I lived in New York, remember?

I know what it's like.

It's tough and-and it's cold.

And, you know, when you
wear shorts to the office,

people give you a funny look.

I've spent my whole life

defending this town to people like Greg.

Do you have any idea

how proud I am to be the one
who told you about this place?

♪ West Covina ♪

♪ California ♪

♪ it's so cool you see the bounty ♪

♪ of the best town in L.A. county ♪

♪ it's nirvana, it's
heaven, it's mecca ♪

♪ yeah, I'm hopelessly,
desperately in love ♪

♪ with ♪

♪ West Covina ♪

♪ can't believe that a girl like you ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ would think this place ♪

♪ is a dream come true ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ or be swayed by a guy ♪

♪ like me ♪

♪ it's not just a coincidence ♪

♪ it isn't just by chance ♪

♪ it's logical, it's obvious ♪

♪ it all makes perfect sense ♪

♪ and I'm just so happy ♪

♪ that you're ♪

♪ here. ♪

Well, I, I better go.

Um, let's keep this convo between us.

Valencia wouldn't understand.


But I wanted you to know,

I'm so happy that you're in town.

And I don't think you're crazy at all.

You okay?

So, you were right.

It was a disaster.

But, God,

Josh was so nice.

He found out that I've been lying,

and, instead of turning his back on me...

He just opened up more.

He was so warm

and kind and understanding.

I love him so much.

I know, sweetie.


Okay, honey, let's go home.

- Oh, you look so tired.
- Yeah.

You can nap in the car.


Don't ever lie to me again.

Okay, Mama.

Hector, wake up!

You've been sleeping for 15 hours!

- Wake up, Hector!
- Oh, crap.