Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - A One Story Town - full transcript

Oh. Thank you.

♪ Good morning ♪

What the hell?

Aw, you said that'd be funny.

It was. Look how mad she is.

Mom, you remember Ted.

Mm, okay.

This is my band.
We're just passing through

on our way to audition
for Disney World.

♪ When you wish upon a star ♪

Please, would you stop?
Huh?



When I rank all the things
that make me wanna die,

it goes, um, books, snakes,
PBS uh, acapella.

Ted and his band needed
a place to crash

on their way to Orlando.

They asked for a week.
I said, "Whoa, whoa, Teddy.

Three days, tops. Five, maybe."

They'll be here a week.

It's getting funnier.

Yeah. All the hotels are booked.

Damn Quebecers.

Gulfhaven has a crab
festival every year,

and for some reason it attracts
tons of tourists from Quebec.

It's one of those unexplainable things

like, you know, magnets, volcanoes.



Those are actually explainable.

All right, Ted, I only
have one extra bed, so...

Guys, we got a bed!

Wow.

Okay, don't answer my phone.

There are towels upstairs.

Don't use them.

Other than that, make
yourselves at home

while I go get ready for work.

♪ Heigh ho ♪
♪ heigh ho ♪

♪ heigh ho, heigh ho ♪
♪ ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ it's off to work we go ♪
♪ heigh, heigh, heigh, heigh ♪

I hate you.

♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho ♪

♪ heigh ho, heigh ho ♪
♪ heigh, heigh ♪

3x05
- A One Story Town -

Missed again!

New rule--miss ten in a row,
anyone wearing a helmet

gets a racing stripe.

How does that apply to anyone but me?
It don't.

Spray paint touches this helmet,

and I will murder you Omar-style.
I mean that,

man to man.
Wow.

Did you just man-to-man him?

Don't touch my ass.
All right.

Mm. So how goes it with Trav's
hot photography teacher?

Ah.

What?
When I left you two yesterday,

you were all googly-eyed.

Shortly after that,

it was like a torpedo
right into the crapper.

So... what's your sign?

Um, Capricorn. What's yours?

Don't got one.

Where you from?

France. You?

France.
Really?

No.

She just ran off?

She's allergic to bees.

Did I leave that part out?

Yeah.

No, no! Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I thought there was
something there, you know?

But I blew it.

Okay, we have to help Bobby get this girl.

He seems to do fine
getting girls on his own.

Yeah, he was awesome at it
when you guys were married.

Oh, so sweet.
But that was just sex.

He didn't care about those women.

That's why it didn't hurt so much.

Really?
No, it destroyed me.

Look.

When Bobby really likes a girl,

he get so nervous and awkward,

that even his gibberish gets worse.

That's impossible. Or as Bobby would say...

"Daz imprazzible."

Okay, we just gotta get
him to that first kiss,

'cause after the first kiss,

all of his nerves melt away,

and he gets back to his charming self.
Okay, who's in?

Me! I am.

So out.

You know, when Bobby and I first met,

he couldn't talk to me,

but I thought he was so hot,

that I grabbed his rat tail and I said,

"Spit out your dip. I'm coming in."

Aw!

You know what happened after that kiss?

He put a baby in you?

No, that was a few days later.

I love you, sweetie.

He smiled and he said...

"Well, that was fun. Wanna do it again?"

That is so sexy.

And I did kiss Bobby again

because he is the best kisser
I have ever been with.

What, so I'm only second best?

Yeah. Seventh.

Um, did you say "second" or "seventh"?

Okay, let's do this!

Whoo!

Jules, you laugh at that
T-shirt every year.

I can't help it. It's funny.

Ugh! Thanks to my ankle monitor,

I can't leave this dumb town.

It's so crowded.
There's nowhere for us to sit.

Stupid Quebecers!

Hey, go see if the people
at that table are friendly.

On it.

That's why I brought tom.

He is just so weird, that
when he talks to people,

they just move away.

He's a group exploder. Watch.
Oh.

Hey, any, uh, crab fans in the house?

It's a gift.

Ooh, I could really go for some hot wings.

I love spicy food so hard!

I think it's because my
mom gave birth to me

after a night of pounding Bloody Marys

at a whitesnake after party.

I was a jacuzzi baby--
born and conceived in one.

Books, snakes, PBS,
acapella, that story.

Good one, shirt.

Ladies, so, uh, you
wanted to talk?

I know how you feel
about Angie, so...

What would you say if I
set up the perfect date

for the two of you, and
you barely have to talk?

Well, could that actually work?

It's gonna go like this.

You'll pick her up.

Flash a smile...

and drive as she drinks champagne.

Then you'll stop by the boat
where you'll play penny can

with your adoring son and best buddy.

Next, a romantic movie where
you won't have to talk at all.

Then drinks with friends who
will carry the conversation.

I'll probably tell a funny story

that makes everyone laugh.

Finally, a beach sunset so beautiful,

it would render anyone speechless.

That's when she'll lean in and kiss you.

And you'll say...

That was fun.
Wanna do it again?

I told you it would work.

Yeah, you did.

Wait. So part of your fantasy

- involves bragging to me
that it would work? - Yep.

But I never said it wouldn't work.
Who cares?

Well, Bobby?

I am so in.

Got us all coffees.

Oh, thank you, Tom.

Hey, would you check the other tables

to see if they have sugar?

Oh, no problem.
Thanks.

Watch. It's like fireworks.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Here comes the big finish.

Ahh.

That was great! Wow.

♪ Bom ♪

♪ bom ♪
♪ bom ♪

♪ I got no strings to hold me down ♪

♪ to make me fret or make me frown ♪
♪ bom, bom ♪

♪ I had strings, but now I'm free ♪
♪ bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ there ain't no strings on me ♪
♪ bop, bop ♪

Hello?

Ted, look in the kitchen.

I told you not to answer my phone.

I told you she meant it!

Uhh!

Peons, upstairs.

And stay out of my bedroom.

I caught one of them
smelling my toothbrush.

I'm sure that's all he did.

Shh, shh!
Hey, Bobby.

We are a go

on Operation Kiss-the-Girl.

Okay, are you wearing your sport coat?

I am.

Great. Are you also wearing pants?

Turning around.

That's okay. That's why I told
you to leave ten minutes early.

Thanks, Cap'n.

He just called me "Captain."

That means you're my sergeant.
My sarge!

Nope.

Not sarge. I'm not helping.
Classic sarge.

Do you think Bobby's gonna
be able to get through this

without having to talk
at least a little bit?

No. But I coached the crap out of him.

I told him to start by
complimenting her dress.

Hey.

Wow! My grandmother got buried
in a dress just like that.

I can--I can go change.

No! She's not dead.
I don't even know why I said that.

Then I said to talk about
something interesting...

He saw on TV.

So, uh, you like manatees?

Oh, I love them.
Oh, that pudgy little face

and those whiskers.

Yeah.

So they're dying.

A buttload washed
up on the beach

the next town over.

No! Ohh.

Nothing makes me sadder
than dead animals.

For me, it's my dead grandma.

She did die. I just didn't want
to bring you down earlier.

Oh! Bee!

Aah!

Did I say I liked your dress yet?

Then he's off to the boat,

where he'll play penny can...

with his adoring son and best buddy.

Rules are rules, nerd.

Aah! How do you like that?

Aah!

I got this.

What? What?

We're over! It's over!

He sprayed paint in my mouth!

Oh, hey, Ms. LeClaire.

Hey, Travis.

Bobby, I don't understand why
you took your shirt off.

Well, you can't break up a
fight with your shirt on.

I mean, haven't you
ever seen "Road House"?

Well, I don't wanna call you a
dummy or anything, but damn.

You called her dumb?
Mm-hmm.

Tell him to call her "chunky" next.
Chicks love that.

Call her a chunky bitch!

Bobby, get to the movies.

All right.

You know, wearing this headset

makes me look like Sigourney Weaver

in that movie with the alien.

It was called "Alien."

No. I'm thinking of a different movie,

you're not, but you know what's
lame about action movies?

Everyone's always running anywhere.

Yeah, but I do love the way
tom cruise runs in movies.

You know, he goes faster because
he karate-chops the air.

Oh.

It feels faster.
Let's take a curve.

Hey, Jules.

Bobby needs tickets to an earlier movie.

Gotcha.

Solid hot wings, my friend.

Really working up a sweat.

Go for Captain.

I got hot sauce in my eyes!

I can't make it to the theater!

Who is Captain?

You can do this.
Honey, I believe in you.

I don't!

Back to your spot!

Okay. Okay.

I can do it. I can do it.

Oh, God. Oh, oh!
That is vodka!

Oh! Please, sir,

just push me in the
direction of the theater.

Je suis du Quebec.

Damn Quebecers!

Quebecers!

Quebecers!

Quebecers!

The movie's a no-go.

There was a chicken
wing disaster.

I will explain it on
the way to the bar.

Explain this on the way, girl.

Now that had to be better than seventh.

Do you really think we
should be doing this now?

At least I'm the best
kisser in the room, right?

Eh. Seriously?

Well, I kissed sarge
once on New Year's.

I have a magic tongue.
There were tongues?

Well, it was Y2K.
We thought we were gonna die.

Lot of stuff went down that night.
Let's go.

Uncool, gramps!

That's like the fifth
Quebecer to cop a feel.

Daz-imprazzible.

What? Sorry.
Say it again... slower?

Daz... imprazzible.

Good God.

Hi. You must be Angie.
Hi.

I'm Bobby's ex-wife Jules,

and this is Bobby's friend Grayson,

who's also my fiance.

Sometimes it sounds weird
when you say facts out loud.

Daz imprazzible.

Oh, you know you can't eat
soup out of a bread bowl.

You always think the soup is too hot,

then you eat the bowl first,

and it's a disaster.

You're not really telling a
grown man how to eat, are you?

No, because that would be weird.

I do have a really funny story.

Hey, Angie, do I look like a good kisser?

Dude, not now.

Bobby, no.

Just a little bit off the rim.

It's not gonna compromise
the infrastructure.

'Cause I've kissed a lot of people.

Good job?

But I don't think about it, see,

because I don't live in the past.

Oh, I'm sorry I remember how
people kiss and make love.

Well, why would you throw
"make love" in there?

That was a little weird.
Really?

Sorry. Why don't we all just have

a giant make-out party right here, huh?
Right now.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam-ahh!

Please don't make me kiss you.

It's enough.

Bobby, no!

What?

Oh, no.

Oh! It's hot! It's hot!

Give me that! Ow, ow, ow! Oh! Ow, ow! I...

Ow, ow, ow, oh, I really...

Hot!

Nice gams.

You, uh, play soccer?

Um, Tom, less creepy.
More doctor-y.

Oh, right.
Uh, the burns are minor.

No, no, no, it's over now, Tom.

Okay.

I can't believe I spilled soup

all over that, uh, Chinese
tattoo on your thigh.

It's fine, really.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, it means Vegas.
I am not proud of it.

All right, Vegas, let's, uh,
let's get you some wine.

Would you stop?
It's going great.

Just get her to the beach.

What do you mean there's
no spots at the beach?

It's a beach!

It's full of Quebecers!

Find a spot, damn it!

Have you even moved?

Nope. I even napped here.

My eyes still really hurt!

What's up with the cop car?

My light's on!

Is this beach across town lines?

Uh, way over.

Aah! Slide!

Ohh! Ohh! She's down.

Stupid Canadian kids and your holes!

I'm gonna go help her with the cops.
You find a spot.

But I can't carry all this.

Do it for Bobby!

Do it for Bobby.

Do it for Bobby.

Ohh!

There!

My thigh burns are starting
to sting a little.

Oh. Here. Use this ice bucket.

Oh. Yeah.

Wow.

It's really beautiful, isn't it?

Hey, what are those dark
things down by the water?

Are they rocks?

I don't think so.

There's seagulls eating 'em.
Oh, God.

Oh, they're dead manatees.
They're everywhere.

You did a real good thing
trying to save that animal.

So sorry you had to watch it die.

I saw his soul leave his eyes.

You folks should go.

They're gonna be here soon
to chainsaw the carcass,

and once you see that,
you cannot un-see it.

Oh, will champagne help?

No.

I don't think you'd even
need a chainsaw for that.

That thing's so rotten,

you could probably just
karate-chop right through it.

Why would you let her go home?

Because she was covered in manatee blood.

That was the worst date ever.

Wait. Bobby!

I'm trying less lip pressure. Thoughts?

Okay, fine. If this is gonna stop you

from being an insecure little baby,

you're the kiss master! Happy?

Yes!

♪ Kiss master in the hizz-ouse ♪

Burn.

Okay, I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna go get Bobby.

You are going to get Travis
at the police station

and bail out Laurie.

Oh, and get a burrito because
she's always hungry in jail.

Kiss master out.

Sarge, go get Angie.

Still not sarge. Still not a helper.

To me, people are just

bags of skin that slow down my day.

Look, I know you have a
secret soft spot for Bobby.

Your friend needs you.

I hope you do the right thing.

Damn it.

Oh.

Blondie?

Ow. Oh. Yeah.

I know this is weird,

and you probably have
blisters on your thighs.

Yeah, big suckers.

But Bobby is a great guy, and that's coming

from someone that has a
broken bottle for a heart,

so just come with me and
give him another chance.

I'd go, but... uhh. I can't even walk.

Fine. Get on my back.

Go!

Aah! Ooh! Ooh!

Who are you?

I'm sarge.
Huh! Huh! Hoo!

Oh, boy.

Don't say anything. I need this.

All right. I'm taking you to meet Angie.

Oh, no way.

I know this has been a horrible day. I...

He's got crabs.

But still, you can't give up.

You're a great guy.

Sometimes people just need help seeing it.

Thanks, J-Bird.

And come on.
She's gonna meet us at the Plaza.

Oh, that place is full of
Quebecers and crab guts.

How am I supposed to make that romantic?

Got it.

♪ Ooh ♪

She said no!

Dang it! Bobby, just go.

I'll meet you there in ten minutes.

I gotta pick up something from the house.

Whoa, the crab fest traffic's insane.

You'll never make it.

Yes, I will.
How?

Tom Cruise run.

This is bad.

Give me that.

Peons, assemble!

Jules!

Where's Bobby?

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

Thanks, sarge. Okay.

Where you going?

It's too crowded!

Tom, explode the Plaza!

What? Just talk to everyone!

Uh, hey, gang, um, um, my name's Tom!

Uh...

Now sing!

Band's out shape!

Can't breathe!

Sing, and you can keep my robe.

♪ Wa-ooh ♪
♪ there you see her ♪

♪ bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ sitting there across the way ♪

♪ she don't got a lot to say ♪
♪ bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ but there's something about her ♪
♪ bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ yi yi yi yi yi ♪

♪ and you don't know why ♪

♪ but you're dying to try ♪

♪ you wanna kiss the girl ♪

♪ bom, bom, bom, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ sha-la-la-la-la-la, don't be scared ♪

♪ you got the mood prepared,
go on and kiss the girl ♪

Wait. All of this was for me?

You're worth it.

♪ Don't try to hide it, how
you wanna kiss the girl ♪

♪ do-do-do-do ♪

♪ sha-la-la-la-la-la, float along ♪

♪ and listen to the song ♪

I told you it'd work.

Yeah, you did.

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ music play ♪

That was fun.
You wanna do it again?

I'd like that.

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, float along ♪

♪ and listen to the song, the
song says kiss the girl ♪

♪ yi, yi, yi ♪
♪ oh, whoa, sha-la-la-la-la-la, music play ♪

♪ do what the music say,
you gotta kiss the girl ♪

♪ bom, bom-bom, bom, bom-bom ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ why don't you kiss the girl ♪

♪ bom, bom-bom, bom, bom-bom ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ you've gotta kiss the girl ♪
♪ bom, bom-bom, bom ♪

♪ doo-ooh ♪

Why are you freaking
out, sweetie?

Hey, big guy.

This is weird, man!

Everyone here looks like
someone from my old job.

Old you was nice to me.
Aw.

Old you hated me.

I kinda feel the same way now.

That's exactly what
old you would say!

That's exactly what
old you would do!

Anyone seen June Bug?

Oh, dear God in heaven!

Hey, man, did you order a pizza?

Why are you so sweaty?

You-all-right-five?

From the big dog.