Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Something Big - full transcript

You know what sucks
about getting married to you?

I can't think of a thing.

I can think of so many things.

You were such a ho-bag,
that I-I always feel like

I'm 50 feet away from some
young hoochie you slept with.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, girls! It's Grayson!

Gray-gray?!

Oh... my... God!

I hardly recognized you
outside the club. Oh.

Break it down.
Dancing on the bar.



- Whoop, whoop.
- Yeah.

In the club, yeah, baby,
take it down...

whoop... what are we doing?

Holly, this is my fiancee...

Jules and her scary,
judgmental friend.

- Hi.
- Blech.

Oh, he and I used to hook up,
like, really hard.

Awesome.

We should really catch up.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, did I leave
anything at your place?

Your dignity.

Any time girls left stuff,
I just put it in here.

Wait. You have a lost-and-found
bang box? That's disgusting.



Dibs on these sunglasses.

Yeah, I am totally taking these
scrunchies and this brownie pan.

Yeah, she gave me treats...
And made me brownies.

There are a lot of crosses,

considering all these girls
gave it up for a dumb bartender.

These are antipsychotic drugs.

I should probably get those back
to her before she gets all...

"Aah! Gonna go around
with a kni..."

What the...

This is my bra.

Oh, right. I always forget
that we hooked up.

- Look, it was not the worst sex
of my life, but...
- Sweetie?

Save that for my wedding toast.

Duly noted.

Look, I don't mind helping you
put your wet suit on every day.

Well... okay, I do.

I mean, it's weird you don't
wear anything underneath.

That's how I roll, dude.

Please don't go surfing.
I miss our morning time.

Baby, you should stay home
and ride these waves.

You sleep with that.

I sleep near that.

I surf 'cause I need
some alone time.

This little cul-de-sac crew
does everything together.

That's not true.

Yesterday, I took a shower

without talking to you
on speakerphone.

And?

It was horrible.

Meh.

Oh, Gray-gray,
we should head out soon.

We are not married, but we have
to go to marriage counseling?

Why?

'Cause I love me some therapy.
I'm good at it.

Paying other people
to listen to your problems?

Uh-huh.

You know, marriage counseling
before marriage

does feel a little backwards.

I don't want to enter into this
with any baggage.

My last marriage
didn't have a chance.

I was pregnant,
I dropped out of school,

Bobby was sleeping with
Kathy Valero, our weather lady.

From News Channel 7?

I know. How cool is that?

♪ News on 7 ♪

♪ We got the news ♪

He skipped my birthday
to go have sex with her.

No way! E-street?
Let's hang, girl.

Ellie?

I want to start our marriage
baggage-free,

but, uh, this one here's
got a bang box.

You know what I think...

look, that part of my life
is over.

Can we just please move on?

Well, I'm not sure
we're ready to move on.

Okay. We can move on.

Did you just signal her?

That's what happens when
you miss the first appointment,

you know. People bond.

Seems fair.

So, Grayson, you want kids,
and what about you, Jules?

Well, I did say that I would
go on any adventure with him,

but not all adventures

are things you're
necessarily dying to do.

I mean, for instance,
um, being kidnapped...

that's an adventure.

Eating raw chicken.

You don't get credit
for saying you'll have a kid

if you're gonna constantly
make me feel guilty about it.

I agree.

Because I have to, Jules.
He brings up a good point.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm just... I'm scared.

I'm totally on board
with you, okay?

I love you.

Mm.

Aw. You guys are making me
miss my husband.

He killed himself.

So we got another... wow...

42 minutes.

What else? What else we got?

I love that you're having people
sign your helmet.

Hmm.

So... what brings you
to the Phallus Palace?

That would be such
a good name for a gay bar.

Then we shall find
a new house name.

I miss hanging out with you.

Come on. I don't have
anyone to flirt with.

Let me take you out to Louie.

It's my new word for "lunch."

Aw, thanks for the invite,
but I think I'm gonna ride out

my last week of humiliation
here in the Nut Hut.

- Nope.
- Yeah, that's worse.

I'm just tired of being mocked
every time I go outside,

and our weird neighbor
keeps shooting

these suction cup darts
at my helmet.

I think he's got, like,
a crush on me or something.

Rain check, okay?

Yeah, okay.

All right, buddy.

All right, go.

Dude!

I don't roll that way!

I haven't seen you catch a wave
yet, Ellie. What gives?

I don't actually
ride the waves.

I just sit here.
I'm a wave-sitter.

Well, that makes less sense
than nonalcoholic beer...

Or soccer.

I love it, and until you showed
up with your frazzle dazzle,

I got to be alone.

Only hard part is getting back
to shore, but I have a system.

You want me to
teach you how to surf?

Yes, please.

No.

Wait.

No, you wait.

Go get it.

Now scram.
I got to talk to Grayson.

Do you think Dr. Mettler
sees us as a good couple?

It's hard to know for sure,
you know,

unless we had her notebook.
Oh, wait.

- I do.
- Ha ha!

You stole her notebook?

I have never been
so attracted to you.

Soul mates.

Mwah. Check it out.

Oh. Here we are.

Oh, yeah, look, look,
she wrote down "narcissist"

but doesn't say
which one of us she meant.

- It's gotta be me.
- I'm sure it's me.

Oh, she also says
we're compatible

and have a bright future.

We are baggage-free.

Hey, Gray-gray.

So this is kind of what
I wanted to catch up about.

She's yours.

That feels like baggage.

Both have tiny eyes.

It's a baby.
Everything's tiny.

We're screwed.
This is a nightmare.

Oh, hey. Do you guys
have any wasabi almonds?

- Actually, yes.
- No.

No snacks until after you
explain why you never told me.

Ohh, but I'm so hungry.

Come on, man. She's starving.
Why am I fighting for her?

I don't know.

When we threw down, you were,
like, all angry and dark,

which was so freakin' hot...

But it was also
a little bit scary, wasn't it?

Now you just
seem so happy and stable.

Holly? What? No way.

You know her?

Yeah, since,
like, grade school.

- Mwah.
- Oh, here's my baby girl.

You know her?

Tampa's my goddaughter.

My daughter's name is Tampa?

You're the father?

I think this might be
my favorite day ever.

- Really?
- Let me have this.

So can you guys take Tampa
tonight? 'Cause I need to dance.

Seriously,
I don't want to. I need to.

I'm assuming that
when you slept with my fiance,

you also slept
with other guys as well?

Hells yeah, I did.

Okay, well, I think we should
take a paternity test,

you know, just for fun.

Man, I can't believe
Grayson knocked that girl up.

I don't think that baby's his.

Have you seen
how tight his jeans are?

He's definitely firing blanks.
I'll get more wax.

Break it down, sister.

Bobby. Teaching Ellie anything
is a bad idea.

I tried showing her
how to text a picture.

She cell-phone-whipped me.

I still don't have
peripheral vision.

Wow.
He should not be driving.

She's the unteachable woman.

Oh, I'll be fine, little buddy.

Your refrigerator is filled with
nothing but beer and churros.

Yeah, I just went shopping.

All right, pal. Time to leave.
Surf school's a-startin'.

Well, this sucks.
No one wants me around today.

Today?

How come Angie gets to stay?

Oh, I occasionally
let him touch my boobs.

Well, I'll let you do that.

Wow.

Hit the bricks.

Oh, cool.

You're reading "Hamlet."

You still hate books, huh?

Yeah.

I also decided that since you
won't go out to Louie with me,

I'm just gonna come to you.

Hey, bro?

There is no music in the world

that will match
what your body is doing.

I'm learning how to step dance

since I'm joining
Omega Beta Theta.

Why are you joining
The Black Frat?

Sig has always considered
himself black-adjacent.

Well, I could
teach you how to step.

Yeah, I have watched
"Stomp The Yard,"

like, one million times.

There's a scene 72 minutes in

where it's just all of these
ripped, hot, black dancers,

and they're running up
this mountain shirtless.

When I'm not talking,

that scene
is what I'm thinking about.

Okay. So you kind of can't
practice without a partner.

Travis, get up.

Man.

There's no dude-on-dude dancing
in Wang Town.

The worst one yet.

I'm glad we did
the paternity test together.

Thanks, Graymond.

"Graymond"?
That's not his name.

It's not a name.

Sure, it is.

There's a friggin' show called
"everyone loves Graymond."

Get her out.

Um, we'll call you
when we get the results, okay?

Okay.

Hey, once we find out
that I'm not the father,

which "Maury Povich Show"
celebration dance

are you gon' do?

I'm gonna do the "boob-shimmy,
double point-to-God."

I'm gonna do
the finger-'stache-pimp-lip.

What's up?
Wasn't me. Wasn't me.

- You're such a fun couple.
- You better be right.

You better be...

well, got your test results.

Thanks for using
your influence at the hospital

to get these so fast.

The head nurse
would only give it to me

if I beat her at arm wrestling,
so I had to steal it.

Here we go.

Okay, wait.

Promise me that no matter what,

we're gonna be really mature
about this, okay?

I promise.

I'm the father.

I'm gonna skedaddle.

All right.
Tenth time's a charm.

Now here comes a wave.
I want you to paddle and pop up.

All right? Paddle and pop up.

Stop saying,
"Paddle and pop up"!

Last time I tried that,
I got a saltwater nose enema.

Problem is
you switched your stance.

Your redneck gibberish is even
harder to understand than usual.

I'm just trying to help.

"Frime gerst frying
to furble-derble"?

That's it. I'm done.

I quit anyway. See ya, brah.

Huh!

Trav. Honey, you actually
have some moves.

Two summers of preteen dance
camp with my moms. What up?

Oh, no.

Did you just try
to make that sound cool?

I did, and I regret it.

With you next to me,
I think I can do this.

All the guys know you already.
Do it with me.

I'm sorry, bro,
but... not gonna happen.

I'm gonna die up there, man.

Let me handle this, okay?

Trav has had
a crush on me forever.

The boy has literally
never said no to me.

Put your earbuds in so I can
talk to him. Come on.

Ohh.

I don't give a crap about Sig...

Song hasn't started yet.

Yeah, you'll be fine.

But I think it'd be really cool
to see you dance.

Pretty please, Travis?

For me?

No.

Huah!

Big Carl is a miracle worker,

but I don't think
he can fix this.

No, no. Let him try.

Sitting there, all depressed,
you look so beautiful.

Why don't we go upstairs

and make a baby that's even
better than my other baby?

Are you kidding?

Yes...

But we're not ready to joke,
and I know that now.

Haven't you heard
of birth control?

She said she had it covered.

She probably meant she would
jump up and down after.

Look, Jules, I need to know
that we can get through this...

You know, that this
isn't a deal-breaker.

Is it?

I don't know.

Look, I know this happened

before you and I were even
dating, but does that mean

I can't be mad at him
for messing up our life?

Let me ask you one question.
Who's he?

Andy Torres.
How you doing?

I thought I would practice with him
before I bring in my real fiance.

I'm just happy
someone wants me around.

Now why do you feel like
no one wants you around?

Well, since I was a kid...

it's not about you.

No, Jules, childhood issues
are very important.

For instance,
when I was a little girl,

- the neighborhood...
- It's not about you, either, Lynn.

This is my hour.
Now pretend to be Grayson.

Lover, you got to accept
that this baby is a reality.

Yeah, but...

no "yeah, buts,"
you selfish jerk.

I love what you're doing.
Pull it back a little.

Sorry, but you know
how badly I wanted a child,

and now I have one, but thanks
to your "no baggage" policy,

I'm not even allowed
to be happy.

He's not doing it right.

No, no, fake Grayson
has made a really good point.

Look, you can't change
what's happened.

All you can do is decide whether
or not you can live with it.

Don't you quit on me, girl.

What are you doing?

I... don't know.

E-train, I am glad
to be done as your teacher.

Bye, new girlfriend. I'm sorry
you have to sleep with him.

Oh, it's all right.
He's good at it.

Andy is right.
She is unteachable.

She just has her walls up.

Reminds me of when
I taught high school.

There was this one gangbanger
named shadow.

He used to leave
dead rats in my car...

Did he put 'em in there dead,
or were they alive at first

and then they died
from the heat?

It's not really
a big part of the story.

Well, he couldn't have
cracked the window.

They would have
just gotten away.

You know, a rat could sneak
through a space this tiny.

If it's cool with you,
I'll just get back to my point.

Shadow tried to scare me off,
but I never gave up on him.

Ellie's your shadow.
You just have to let her know

that you'll stick to it
no matter what.

Yeah, but Ellie's
not a gangbanger.

♪ People nowadays
don't think 'bout they ways ♪

♪ Don't think before they do,
don't think before they say ♪

♪ Haphazard with the language
and actions ♪

Come on.
Let's go cheer Sig on.

Pass.

You really got to get over
this thing with books.

What is going on with us?

You wouldn't even come
to Louie with me yesterday.

I just... I don't get it.

Don't blame it
on your stupid helmet.

All you non-helmets
think it's just so easy.

A year ago, you would have
come to lunch with me

even if I asked you to wear
nothing but a sock on your junk.

I miss the guy that would
do anything to see me smile.

It got a little
too flirty for me.

There's no such thing.

It's just not as much fun

when you get stuck on someone

and then you start
thinking about 'em all the time

even though you know
nothing real will ever happen.

Just...

Makes you feel kind of stupid,
you know?

Yeah, I get that.

Kind of sucks for me.

It made me feel special, so...

Sorry.

It's okay.

I'll see you around, Trav.

Oh...

You should call this place
the panty graveyard.

It's perfect.

I'm wave-sitting. Go away.

Nope. You're my shadow.
I'm not leaving you.

Why? I just want to be alone.

Hey.

Seriously?

What? I missed you.

Ellie. I need you.

You have got to be kidding.

You're all crazy.
I'm going in.

Well, then, I'm going with you.

Oh. Uhh!

Can we please talk?

It's like he took our future
into the woods

and shot it in the face.

Uh, ma'am? Where did you
get those sunglasses?

They're probably yours.
You left 'em at Graymond's?

Unless you're pregnant,
you just can keep on moving.

Keep on moving. Go.

You're being such a dummy.

Yeah, you promised Graymond
you'd have a kid,

but you don't want to.

You don't know that.
Maybe I do.

- Then have one.
- I don't want to.

This way,
he gets his dream kid,

and your 43-year-old egg-maker
gets off scot-free.

It's not that simple.

He has a child
with someone else.

Oh, like you do?

Stupid logic.

This is hard on him, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

It's exhausting thinking
of other people's feelings.

I know.
That's why I stopped doing it.

Oh...

what are you doing here?

Time to surf.

- No, no, no!
- Come on. Come on. Come on.

No! Jules! No!

Oh! Travis.
I can't believe you came.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Where is my helmet?

Right here!

I said, where is my helmet?

Right here!

This feels a little rehearsed.

It is.

What can I say? I'll still
do anything to see you smile.

Oh.

I said, where is my helmet?

Okay, here I come, here I am.

Omega, Beta, Theta!
Your helmet has arrived! Huh!

Huh! Huh!

Huh!

Huh!

I hope a shark eats your face.

Even if one did,
I still wouldn't give up on you.

Really?

Nope. All right.
Here comes a wave.

All right, go! Go!
Start paddling! Get in there!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Hi.

Hey.

Holly let you take her?

She yelled from the shower
that it was fine.

I'm not even sure
she knew it was me.

Oh, Tampa's a cutie.

Oh, good God,
she's wearing glitter blush.

That's not gonna fly if you're
gonna be a part of our family.

You sure you're okay with this?

This is perfect.

I get to have a baby
without the hassle,

the sleepless nights,
the dirty diapers.

That's all you, my friend.

Ohh.

You got to have a hit of that.

Mmm.

Come on.

Where are we going?

Everyone?

Come meet Grayson's daughter.

Hey, girl.

Hey.

I'm a dad.

♪ Bobby and Nelly
are in the gang ♪

♪ But they hardly ever hang ♪

♪ Unless it's when
they're hanging ten ♪

♪ Because they like to surf,
they like to surf ♪

♪ Bobby and Nelly
they like to surf ♪

♪ Bobby and Nelly
they like to surf ♪

♪ They like to surf ♪

♪ Hey, watch them surf ♪

♪ Because they like to surf ♪
Ah!

♪ She just fell down ♪

♪ Bobby and Nelly, they
like to surf ♪

♪ They like to surf ♪
Aah!

♪ Just watch them surf ♪

♪ That shot looks fake♪

♪ But it's still great ♪

♪ Because they like to surf ♪

♪ They like to surf ♪