Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Fooled Again: I Don't Like It - full transcript

OK, I'm turning 42 tomorrow.

Luckily, I'm dating someone
older than me.

- I'm only 40.
- From now on, you're 43.

- We're all cool with that, right?
- Yeah, sure.

Not sure that's the way age works.

So, Jules, what are we
gonna do for your birthday?

- Besides wine and cake, I got nothing.
- I have an idea.

My cousin owns an awesome gun range.
Technically, it's his backyard

and he does live next door
to a daycare center, but still...

I'm going to put shooting children
in the "maybe" pile.

Cool.



I'm scared.

I wanna know who finished the wine
without opening another bottle?

Andy, gun to your head. Was it you?

Fine, I'll open another bottle.

How did you do that?

Truth guns. They've been
so great for our marriage.

If the gun is pointed at you,
you gotta come clean. You want in?

Yeah. Grayson, do you ever think of your
ex-wife while you're having sex with me?

Thanks for this, Ellie.

Carl Jung? Sounds like the noise in my
head when I hit that sweet three iron.

Jung!

The book is a riveting treatise
on the human condition.

You know what else is a riveting
treatise on the human condition?

My butt.



- Oh, man. I'm so stuffed up.
- You have to try my neti pot.

You just pour it in your nose
and it clears you right up.

This another snooty college things
like that picnic basket in the shower?

A lot of people use shower caddies. Dad,
neti pots aren't a college thing, OK?

They've been making people
feel better for centuries.

Know what else have been making
people feel better for centuries?

Ah, damn, it's his butt.

Jules, I know what we
should do for your birthday.

Let's go dirty dancing in the plaza!

They have a DJ,
and guess what else? These hips.

This, if you're wondering,
is my imaginary mace spray.

Ow, ow...

It burns. It burns. It burns.
Come on, it's so much fun...

Andy. It's not happening. Beat it.

I would've let him down nicely.

Please. You have no idea what it's like
being married to a super sensitive guy.

You got me fat-free yogurt?
Message received.

Just eat it, husky pants.

I would be so much better
at being married to Andy than you.

Go for it.

OK. A few birthday gift ground rules.

No gag gifts, no gift cards,
and nothing that I'm supposed to love

because it's charitable.

Laurie, I'm still pissed
that you saved an elephant in my name.

- Tuk-Tuk? I love Tuk-Tuk.
- Screw Tuk-Tuk.

I don't wanna hear about Tuk-Tuk, unless
you got a necklace made out of his tusk.

And Trav, no more hug coupons.

I mean, yes,
I'm gonna use this one. Oh...

- Trav, you're 19, get in the game.
- How about I let you cut my hair?

Maybe. As always,
I will pick the gift winner.

The losers will be judged and mocked.

That's a lot of pressure
for a new boyfriend.

- You're 43. You'll be fine.
- He's 43?

- Yeah.
- No.

I'm gonna be happy
with whatever you get me.

You know, as long as it's perfect,
and shows how much you care about me.

Hey, hey, College. I'm calling you
College now 'cause you go to college.

Yeah, I pieced that together.

Just use the neti pot.

You just put in the saline, like so,

pour it into one nostril, and watch
the bad stuff flush out the other.

- Are you sure I can do it?
- I... believe... in you.

Cheers.

No matter what we do on my birthday,
we're gonna have a great time

because I'm gonna be with my friends.
You, Trav, Grayson, Laurie and Bobby.

- You didn't say my name.
- Yes, I did.

I said, "You, Trav, Grayson,
Laurie, Andy, Bobby."

You said "Grayson, Laurie and Bobby."

- What are you, a human tape recorder?
- Yep.

So, when you think of friends,
you don't think of me.

Come on. We're like
the classic American duo.

You know, when people see us together,
they're like,

"There goes Andy and Jules.
Hot dog and stick!"

- Oh, hot dog.
- I'm hot dog.

Gun to your head. If Ellie and I weren't
married, would we be friends?

God. Andy.

He cocked it.

I don't know. Maybe not.

But that's only because
we wouldn't know each other.

It's good to know where I stand.

"Andy's a great guy.
It's never OK to hurt him."

If you do that again,
I'm gonna throw this fruit at you.

Boop. Rewind.

- "Andy's a great..."
- Don't!

Cougar Town 2x07 -
Fooled Again (I Don't Like It)

Hey, hot dog. How you doing?

That's really offensive to bald people.

Just tell him to slap out of it.
He's acting like the mopey dwarf.

- No, there is no mopey dwarf.
- Yes, there is.

Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful,
Grumpy, Happy, Doc. Boom! You're wrong.

Sorry, I take my
Disney characters seriously.

It's time to prove that we're friends.
Let's go, Andy.

Fine, I'll get my stuff.

- No, no. It's just Andy and me.
- What?

- No!
- Yes.

You can touch my head now if you want.

- It's smooth, like a river rock.
- It tickles.

So, you poured this whole pitcher
directly into your lungs.

At some point you must have known
you were drowning. Why didn't you stop?

- Bobby Cobb never quits.
- Not even at killing himself?

Not even. That stupid college death pot.

It's still not a college thing.

Whatever, man. It's the most
dangerous thing on my boat.

Really? I'm just going to spin around
and say the first thing I see.

Loaded flare gun on a jar
full of gasoline.

Well, that's for when the rats come.

Look, don't tell anybody about this, OK?

I promise.

Oh... Doctor said that's
gonna happen for the next few months.

Every year,
when I win the Jules gift contest,

I go out and buy myself a chunky ring.

I usually don't wear them
all at once, but... What?

I don't have one yet,
but I'm getting it this year.

Hey, if we team up,
we can take her down.

I don't need your help,
'cause I got this one in the bag.

Jules showed me this lovely
little blouse last month.

Hmm. Perfect gift. Bought it.

And you know she likes it
'cause she picked it out herself.

Plus, you didn't have to put any
personal thought into it at all.

You know what you should have her do?
Have her pay for it.

Then, she can write herself a card,

telling herself how much
you care about her.

- Worst gift ever.
- Dude.

♪ Look at my rings, my rings, my rings

♪ Look at my rings
my rings, my rings

Let's team up and kill her.

She is the whitest woman
I have ever seen.

♪ Look at my rings, my rings, my rings ♪

I mean, I really can't stop.

We may have to buy you a hat.

You know what's weird? We don't
really know each other that well.

You're from Deland, Florida.

Your blood type is B positive,
it's also your life motto.

You hate waterfalls.
Your favorite color is black,

favorite smell is new baby,

and once when you were six,
you got lost in a mall

and spent the night in a pet store.

- Now do me.
- You are a Cubano.

- Sí.
- Your full name is Andrew.

- N...
- No? Just Andy?

All right. Honest mistake.

And... that's you!

Andrew Andy Torres.

Oh, God. Here comes Barb.

- I got this.
- What?

- Hi, Barb.
- I usually talk to Jules.

I want to tell her
all about my trip to London.

And all the time I spent under Big Ben.

Yes, not the clock,
but an actual guy named Ben?

- What's happening here?
- Oh, look,

a high school track team
hosing each other down.

Oh!

Andy Torres, you are amazing!

Now, you skip your ass back over here.

We're gonna get some champagne.

- Waiter! What?
- Ow!

- Ow.
- Man down!

- We need gift ideas.
- How about a charm bracelet?

Jules hates charm bracelets.
Here's what I'm thinking.

She was saying that she wants
to have more dinner parties...

- Ooh, I can get her cooking lessons.
- I'll get her some new cookware.

And an apron with two fried eggs on the
chest and a strip of bacon on her...

wow.

- We're done.
- No, we're not done.

Ellie will find a better gift.
She's the gift whisperer.

- So, what do we do?
- We need to break out my new phone app.

It has dramatic music stings.

- Oh, I got it. Ask me again.
- What do we do to Ellie?

Sabotage!

Thank you.

I can't believe
I sprained my ankle skipping.

Wow, you're hairy.

I guess I can't bug you about going
dirty dancing anymore, huh?

I remember this amazing party
for my grandmother, Maria.

She was a policewoman.

They called her the Stabilizer.
She could clean up any mess.

Well, at this party, she went crazy
on the dance floor.

It was like the first time I saw
her joy for life. It just moved me.

- We're going dancing for my birthday.
- 'Course you are.

You went out with Andy and
now he's getting what he wanted.

What are you saying, he played me?

- You know why Andy gets so much sex?
- He gets a lot of sex?

He goads me until I say something mean,
he pretends he's hurt,

I let him hit this, and presto,
he's OK. It's a miracle.

Jules, he's an evil genius.
He's Keyser Söze.

- No, he's not.
- He is.

No. He's not. God!

Who's Keyser Söze?

You know what Ellie's trick is?

She watches Jules like a hawk

and picks up on tiny hints around
her house to pick the perfect gift.

We need to use that against her.

Maybe plant some tiny thing
to send her down the wrong path.

Ooh! Like a key chain. Oh, yes.
Oh, they can say a lot about a person.

This is stupid.
Ellie can't be that good at presents.

- Hey, what's that?
- Oh, it's a small gift.

I remember that you bought
the collector's edition of Apollo 13.

And then I heard you tell Andy

how much your father would've liked it
if he were alive.

And then I thought maybe your dad
loved the idea of being an astronaut,

because he wished he had
a more adventurous life.

I thought that rocket ship
would remind you of him. Open it up.

It's a picture of me in his lap.

Turns out, his real adventure
was raising you.

Go ahead. Say what you're feeling.

I love it.

Gift whisperer.

Too much water!
Too much water!

- Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- You're dreaming.
- What? You think this is funny?

I do. Kevin laughed his ass off
when I told him.

I asked you not to tell anyone.

You think I tell my friends
you use Mom's make-up

to cover your forehead zits?

- Off my boat, cover girl.
- Dad.

Ah! I love The Usual Suspects.

You told me before it started that
Kevin Spacey was Keyser Söze.

And I was still surprised.

- Was he Keyser Söze?
- Yes!

OK. All right, so the crippled guy
was his evil twin?

- No! Same guy!
- Well, let's just agree to disagree.

Do you really think Andy
is that manipulative?

I mean, this can't all be about dancing.

Come with me.

Just doing a little couch samba.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, Ellie. I know you want me
to believe that Andy is Kiefer Doozy.

- Keyser Söze.
- I'm not buying it.

It's Andy. OK, he is my hot dog.

Or my stick.
I don't remember which one.

When you guys were out,
who brought up dancing again?

- He did.
- Hmm-hmm.

- He's got a sprained ankle.
- Did you actually see him fall?

Ow.

No. But, Ellie, his ankle is so swollen.

Oh, my God,
they're always that big, aren't they?

Like a snake
that swallowed a volleyball.

But you should have heard him.
I mean, he poured his heart out.

You know, I remember this amazing party
for my grandmother, Maria.

She was a policewoman.

They called her...

the Stabilizer,
because she could clean up any mess.

Is his grandmother's name even Maria?

I don't know his relatives' names.

Jules, you have to crush him.

When he knows you're on to him,
he's going to shrug his shoulders

and say, "Eh. You got me."

I'm doing this.

Hmm-hmm.

Did you see that?
She totally took the bait.

I know how her brain works.

She's going to think that Jules
is into Asian art.

Jules hates Asian art.

She just doesn't tell people because
she thinks it makes her racist.

Dad, I came to apologize.

You ever look death in the eye, Trav?

Well, now that that jar of gasoline
has a flaming can of Sterno next to it,

I'd have to say yes.

I'm making beans, but your little
college neti pot is mocking me.

Dad, let me list some actual
"college" things like...

indie bands, freshman 15.

Dabbling in lesbianism,
that's for girls.

Encouraging girls to dabble
in lesbianism, that's for guys.

Ramen noodles, keggers,

having a black roommate that makes you
self-conscious about singing rap songs.

But neti pots?
It's not a college thing.

That pot has become a symbol.

You're off learning new stuff and
I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up.

I don't want to lose
our connection, Trav.

- Stupid, isn't it?
- Yeah. But to hell with it.

Let's conquer the neti pot.

- That's right! You think I can?
- We can.

I'm gonna dial nine and one
so I'll only have to push one button.

- What's up?
- Andy,

I don't think your feelings
are really hurt.

So we wouldn't be friends if it
weren't for Ellie. I mean, who cares?

And you know what else? Your ankle's not
sprained, and we're not going dancing.

- What do you think of that?
- So you think I'm a horrible person?

No, no, no. No, you're supposed
to say "Eh. You got me."

All right, gun to your head.
Are you lying?

If you're gonna shoot me, shoot me.
But let me ask you one thing.

- Who made you doubt me?
- It was Ellie.

Ellie said that you pretend
to get your feelings hurt.

Then, she gives you what you want,
like sex or dancing,

and then, suddenly,
your feelings aren't hurt anymore.

Yeah, with Ellie, sometimes I do pretend
it doesn't hurt anymore.

Even though it does.
It's called making a marriage work.

But I would never play that game
with my friend.

So, did I lie to you?

No.

I can't smell anymore, is that normal?

Yeah.

OK, gift time.

Ellie, yours better be good
because I am mad at you.

- Everyone, please stand.
- Oh!

Oh! Me first. Happy birthday, Mom.

Travis. Another hug coupon?

But this one's good for public use.
You know how much I hate that.

Well done. You may be seated.

And Bobby, flowers are a little obvious,

but it is a huge step up

from the tub of gumballs you got me
for our tenth anniversary. You may sit.

She just tell me to sit down?

I can't hear a thing besides water
sloshing back and forth.

And now, for the main event.

Ooh!

It's an antique Chinese gong.

- Ah...
- Tell me how much you love it.

I'm not sure if I can put it into words.

It sucks. You stay standing.

She gonged your gong!

And, Grayson. Ah...

And... cooking classes?

We can take them together.
I know how much you want to stay in,

you know, we could...

- Next.
- Laurie, we're screwed.

- Cookware?
- Look inside the box.

- A charm bracelet?
- Ooh.

I love you so much, Jules.

- Laurie, you've won.
- Whoo!

- We were a team.
- No, we weren't.

Hey, Ellie. Check out
my new chunky ring.

♪ Look at my ring, my ring, my ring
Look at my ring, my ring, my ring ♪

Great. And Andy's a no-show.

Ellie, this is your fault.
You always assume the worst in people.

You probably think that guy over there
is a serial killer.

All right, bad example. He definitely
has a lady in his basement, but...

Andy's just holding out to make sure
we all came. He's the devil.

And the greatest trick
the devil ever pulled

was convincing the world
he didn't exist.

I forgive you, want to dance?

And... poof! He was gone.

There was a gun to your head, dude.

Eh, I wanted to dance.

Well, at least I got to know you
a little better.

- It's horrifying.
- Yeah.

Hey, you know,
I could only pull this off

because you care so much
about our friendship. Thanks for that.

I love you, you weirdo.
You're my hot dog.

All right, enough talk. Let's dance.

Wait a minute. This isn't high school.

We're gonna get dirty.

Hey, heads up, tiny eyes.

Once you go Andy,
all the rest are blandy.

Did you have fun dancing with Jules?

Yeah, I did.

Did you enjoy having her breasts
pressed against you?

- Hmm... He told me he loved it.
- Liar! Tell her I didn't say that.

Only if somebody tells me who put
the vanity plates on my car

- that say "Tiny Eyes," huh?
- Hey, guys.

What are we doing?
Somebody tell me what we're doing.

Guys! Stop it. It's enough.

Ellie's still packing!

Ah!

Why, God?

I love Spaced.