Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - Little Girl Blues - full transcript

Hey, it's OK. It's scary to meet
your boyfriend's mom.

- This is such a disaster.
- Not at all!

My nose has stopped bleeding.

This is an old shirt.

- I did love that vase.
- I swear, I tripped on a marble.

I know. I mean, it's weird that we
can't find it, but I'm sure it's real.

- Here, Mom. Babe, are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I just got a little bit nervous.
I know how important your mom is to you.

I see her picture every time
I'm in your bed.

Wait. You've been in his bed?

- I'm gonna throw up.
- Oh, again?



Plus, Travis scared me.

He said that you always embarrass him
whenever he brings a girl home.

Travis, I said
I would never do that again.

- Hi, Kristen!
- What was that?

- What was what?
- It's starting again.

- Hi, Kristen!
- Hi, Kristen!

- Hi, Kristen!
- Hey, Kristen!

- OK, everybody. Big finish.
- Hi, Kristen!

# It's Kirsten
But you could call me whatever

# I hate that I'm singing #

She's like a nervous little bird.

Did you want something to drink?
A glass of wine?

- Yes.
- Whoa. Hey.

You gotta be 21
to drink in this house.



She's a grad student. She's 23.

Let us help you
get your bag upstairs.

- Yeah.
- It's about laundry time.

- Oh, boy, this is heavy.
- Great, let's do a load.

You know what those idiots
are doing, yes?

- Twenty-three, baby!
- Twenty-three!

That is my boy. Whoo!

How'd your old girlfriend from
high school take it? Was she crushed?

You'll be back. Let's go, Turbo.

Yeah. She was totally crushed.
But what are you gonna do?

I mean, Kirsten's amazing.

How amazing? Like?
# Chica-bow-wow...

How would you guys rate that
on the Creep-o-Meter, about infinity?

Screw it. She said it was
the best ever. What up?

- Whoo-hoo!
- # Bow-chica-bow-wow!

- How come he gets to do it?
- Hey, quick Dad moment.

Trav, be responsible.
Remember Mom's song?

# If you're headed in a sexy direction

# You'd better use contraception

# 'Cause babies
destroy your dreams #

It's weird that we all know that song.

You kids make yourself at home.
I gotta get back to work.

Everybody else, let's clear out.

OK, so what do we think of her?

Do you think she wears
perhaps a skosh too much make-up?

Impossible. There's no such thing.

You look like you poured your make-up
on the floor and rolled around in it.

Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup
counter I frequent, would beg to differ.

- Well, I like Kristen.
- Do you have any cookies?

No, but he does hide candy bars
in the top shelf behind the cereal.

- Someone's got an eating disorder.
- Total manorexic.

- Does he have any coconut water?
- Coconut water?

I can't believe
you just let them all in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I rarely listen to you.
What'd you say?

Once they're in,
they're never gonna leave.

They're like human bed bugs.

Zoned again. What?

Hmm...

Hope you don't mind,
I threw a quick load in the washer.

Bed bugs.

Hey, we don't have to go
to my dad's boat if you're feeling...

I'm not tired.
Although, I should probably get a...

- Get a sweater? I'll wait here.
- Yeah. OK.

Be right back.

Yoo-hoo...

The only person who could ever finish
my sentences was my foster brother.

That's why we dated.

Relax. We were ten,

and he moved back to Romania
before we did anything major.

Come on. So, she finishes his sentences.
Big deal. I can do that.

- Hey, Mom, can you...
- Toss you an apple? Sure.

- Uh, no. I just wanted a...
- Banana. Done.

OK. Stop throwing fruit.
Just needed...

Bacon? Batteries. Tissues. Nailed it.

It's like you're inside my brain.

Face it, Jules, you met the man
you married in college.

It's a big difference. Travis is 19.

I was 19 and a half.

Brother-kisser is right.
All of Travis' girlfriends now

are potential daughters-in-law.

Then, one of them is gonna convince
Travis to yank your feeding tube out.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm winding you up like a toy robot
and letting you go.

- Laurie?
- I'm sorry.

Wow. So is your dad, like,
some sort of eccentric genius?

Yes. Except for the genius part.

I could use a little break
from your parents.

Maybe tonight we can hang out,
just the two of us.

- Oh, God.
- Why the sad sigh?

You weren't napping?

Thought this would be like sleeping
in the clouds, but it's just terrifying.

Kirsten and I have only
been together once.

And yeah, she said it was amazing,
but I had a cold.

I was all goofy on cough syrup.
Dad, I don't remember what I did.

You know, what if I'm no good next time?

Sounds like you got a classic case
of RPA. Repeat Performance Anxiety.

Did you know that your dad's bathroom
is a fish tank?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's OK,
I got a seatbelt on this bad boy.

I know I'm gonna lose Travis someday,
but the thought of it is just so scary

that sometimes I act a little crazy.
Disagree with me.

- Oh, you don't.
- Not at all.

No, no, I do. Someone needs to stop me
before I do something stupid.

You need a Jules-Cobb-Stopper.

- Laurie, you could be my Cobb-Stopper.
- You chose me?

What's up, number two?
How's my dust taste?

Jules knows that if I talk to Kristen

she'll just mention some indie band
to me that I've never heard of,

and then I'll see her hot, young ass
and I'll have to punch her in the face.

- Oh.
- Laurie, this is not gonna be easy.

I'm gonna get mean, but, no matter what,
do not stop Cobb-Stopping.

That's hard to say.

- Do not stop Cobb-Stopping.
- Do not stop Cobb-St... Stopping.

- Oh, it is hard to say.
- Not for me.

Oh, hey, guys. So, I cooked us
a little family dinner for tonight.

Ooh... Kirsten actually wanted me
to take her out for pizza.

- Oh.
- But whatever, it's cool, whatever.

- I can do whatever.
- No. Me whatever.

It's cool, whatever.
No, I mean, whatever.

Whatever you want, Travis.

You've been on the job for two seconds
and she's already asking her son

to choose between his mother
and the cute blonde that he's doinking.

Yeah. I think we're gonna
stick with the pizza.

No biggie. It's more for me.

Sweetie, do you need Big Joe?

- He'll never leave.
- Here.

Thank you.

I love you.

- Give me that.
- Oh, you're a doodle bug.

No, you're a doodle bug.
Oh, nibbly face.

- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Hey, guys.

- Kirsten made scones.
- They're my granny's recipe,

- she taught me it before she died.
- Oh, that's so sweet.

Ah. OK. See ya.

She made scones, Grayson.

Thank you.

Kristen said that her grandmother gave
her the recipe right before she died.

Really? You know, when my soul
is being ripped from my body,

I'm gonna be yelling, "No, no.
Please. I'm not ready yet."

I'm not teaching people
how to make scones.

Two... tablespoons... butter.

Oh! Get, get off me.
Why is Tom here?

His house was sprayed by that skunk
that's in the neighborhood.

Smells so bad, I just
sit in my yard all day.

- Am I part of the gang now?
- Calm down, we'll see.

Grayson, I don't think you're being
a very good host. Go make some coffee.

- Yeah, go make some coffee.
- Cream, no sugar. That'd be great.

- I'd like a tea.
- Tom can have my place in the gang.

Wha?

Kristen is trying to battle me
for Travis' soul.

- Is she really?
- I don't know, but she baked stuff.

I'm heading back over there.
I need my Cobb-Stopper.

Hey. Where's Grayson?

Sorry, I only have one coffee cup.

Why aren't you leaving?

This is fun. I feel Japanese.

Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a sec?
I only have, like, ten minutes.

I'm supposed to be jogging.

I know talking about sex can be tough,
but you look really uncomfortable.

Hey, this is guy talk, buddy.
They're guys.

Now, the best way
for me to help is to demonstrate

how I make romance with the ladies.
G-Iove, on my lap.

You picked him?

- Come on, he's more feminine than you.
- I only shave my legs to swim faster.

OK, this is a bad idea. You know what,
I'm old enough to handle it on my own.

Well, if you need me,
Grayson's door is always open.

Trav, being good at sex
isn't something you can learn.

You gotta be born with it.
And let's just say I've got the gift.

He does.

- My window faces your window.
- Oh...

- Go home, Tom. OK.
- OK.

The clich? when you're with a woman
is to think about baseball,

but you know what works for me? I always
just imagine her without a face.

I think I actually read that tip
in Ted Bundy's biography.

Thanks for the horrible advice,
but I have to get back from my jog now.

- Oh. Hi.
- Looking for that marble, aren't you?

Yeah. I'm an idiot.

Oh, no, you're not.

I am so glad that you came to visit.

You're so nice.

Trav and I really wanted to come this
weekend in case we go to see my parents

for Thanksgiving. Oh!

Oh, no, no. Just breathe, Jules.

I'm gonna head upstairs and take a quick
shower. Do you guys know where Trav is?

Well,
you're such a control freak

about how he's gonna
spend his holidays, you tell me.

- What's happening?
- Just shower and don't look back.

There is no marble and you know it!

I've got more to say to her.
Get out of my way?

No, I am Cobb-Stopping.

When you get like this, you can't pull
out of it, and you always regret it.

Liar. Oh, I don't
know why I'm surprised.

You lie to the world every
single day with your cheap dye job.

It's so yellow,
it looks like chicken fat.

You said you'd be mean,

but, wow, that cut like a knife.

- Just knocked out a 4K.
- Whoo! Where's Kirsten?

- I think she's upstairs.
- Oh, cool.

Where did Laurie go?

We need to talk.

- Nice shoulders.
- Thanks?

If you want my help,
you're gonna have to ask.

Please help me. Please.

Bobby is covering my kitchen in
newspaper and sharpening a knife.

- That can't be good.
- He's probably just gutting a boar.

They won't leave.
How come they never hang out here?

You have to build some kind of barrier

- to keep them out.
- Hey, Ellie, do you got any more of...

- Shh! Stan's sleeping.
- Sorry.

Like what kind of barrier?

You don't have to whisper, 'cause
Stan's at the park with the nanny.

Wow. I'm like down here
and you're, like, up here.

Even higher.

Look, Jules has some Travis issues,
so she's gonna steam-roll you.

She's like a shark, Kristen. Do you know
what you do when a shark comes at you?

You punch it in the nose.

Can I have my clothes back?

Jules is threatened by you
because you're 23

but, honey,
you're acting like a little kid.

If I busted into my shower
and took my clothes from me,

I'd be all, "Give me back my clothes,
you sexy townie ho."

Go ahead. You try it.

Give me back my clothes,
you sexy girl.

I left out the "townie ho" part because
I feel like you're being nice to me,

even though you are doing it
in a scary, threatening way.

Oh, boy. OK. Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Just remember. Shark punch.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Whoa. Cold feet.

I missed you. Come here.

I'm sorry, you know, it's just,
my mom's right down the hallway

and I'm still pretty zonked
from that jog.

- Oh. All right.
- Why am I such a fitness fanatic?

This place sucks.

The window is a no-go.
Try the doorbell again.

I've done this before.

Ooh!

We just came by to watch
the Designing Women we recorded.

Man, back in the day,
Delta Burke was really bringing it.

Pow-pow!

I have a bad back.

Ah! Good morning, early bird.

Oh, speaking of birds,
I was thinking about Thanksgiving

and if you want Travis
to come to your house,

you're gonna have to cut him
out of my arms. Orange juice?

No, thanks. I think I'll have some
breakfast wine.

- You can't drink my wine.
- I brought this wine as a gift.

Therefore, it is my wine.

And, I will drink whatever I want,
you sexy townie ho.

I wouldn't.

How cool is that with the sheet?

This is my fault. I gave you the
impression that I'm some kind of kid,

but I'm a woman, Jules.

You don't even like wine, do you?

Yes. I do. I've just never had it
right after brushing my teeth.

I've had it while brushing my teeth.

That's one for Jules.

Travis is too young to drink.
You better not be encouraging him.

- I don't let him drink.
- Ooh! That's one for Kristen.

You don't decide what my son can do.

Travis! Get down here
and have a glass of wine!

- You know what, Jules, I...
- Ah!

Marble. I told you.

Well, at least you
didn't break anything this time.

Psh-shaw...

No! Big Joe!

Oh, my God, I am so, so sorry.

He was family.

- What's going on?
- Your Uncle Joe is dead,

- but you're allowed to start drinking.
- Sounds like a plan.

You have not been there for me
once this weekend.

- Kristen.
- It's Kirsten, are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, Laurie, I cannot do
what you told me to do.

- Kri... Kirsten.
- What'd you tell her, Chicken Fat?

Wait! I want to enjoy this. Go.

Hey, don't ever knock.

I didn't. Trav tells me
that you guys filled his head

with tall tales of how great
you guys are in the sack.

- We're gonna tell the truth. Me first.
- Please don't.

Trav, I'm bad at sex.

There's a lot of thrashing and thumping,
but nothing really gets done.

I'm like a broken dishwasher.
Andy, you're up.

OK, fine.

I get such pre-sex jitters that
I have to do a confidence dance.

G-Man, take us home.

I get so terrified
of living up to expectations

that my butt gets really cold. Now I can
only hook up under tons of blankets

or with, like,
a hot water bottle on it, or...

That's what being a man is. Living in
constant fear of disappointing a woman.

Well, thanks for the advice, Dad,
Andy, Chilly Tush. But it's too late,

Kirsten already hates me.

It's not cold now, weirdo.

Actually, it is cold.
It's a little cold.

- It is?
- Yeah.

I can't believe you went behind my back
and told her to stand up to me.

How are you this tiny and this strong?
You're like an ant.

- You're supposed to be on my side.
- This isn't about you, Jules. Come on.

- What's going on?
- I blew it with Kirsten.

Everybody in the kitchen.
They need to talk.

Aw...

Tell me what's going on.

- Tom!
- I'm reading.

Fine.

I pushed Kirsten away
over something so dumb.

You are really dumb.
I don't know how to fix it.

Well, we could run away together.

- I'm just kidding.
- Unless you want to.

Look, you and Kirsten are so close,

that there is nothing that
could've happened in two days

that would ever change that.
Really. You just need to go talk to her.

OK.

Thanks for being so cool to her.

- She didn't say anything?
- No.

- Oh. Then you're welcome.
- We fix it?

Yeah.

- Hey, Chilly Tush.
- That spread quickly.

So, it's official. I have to
walk the streets to get any peace.

You must be happy.

Why does everyone think
I enjoy watching them fail?

- Because you do.
- That's true.

But our houses are like dominoes.
If yours falls, mine is next.

You gotta get them out. Find a way.

Skunk.

Find a way.

Imaginary hat.

Imaginary clown nose.

- What are we doing?
- Why does nobody get this?

- I'm so sorry for being such a...
- Insecure jerk?

You're still finishing my sentences.

I'm gonna go grab my wallet,

throw on some sweet body spray...
No body spray. Then we're going out.

So, have you had a fun weekend here?

Oh, yeah, it was fantastic.

Will you come sit with me? Please.

Don't be afraid. Come here.

I know that I can get crazy
when it comes to Travis.

- I mean, everyone is sick of it.
- It's really bad.

I know, but the upside of having
a boyfriend with a psycho mom

is I've taught him to be the type of guy
someone like you would want to be with.

So, the way he always
opens the door for me?

- You're welcome.
- How he never looks at other girls?

- You're welcome.
- The way he kisses?

Yeah, you're welcome.

I did teach him on his teddy bear,

- so I'm rolling with it.
- What's up? My place is a stink pit.

OK. Grab me a soda. Thanks.

Let me say yes first.

Yes.

See, we women have
a great responsibility.

We have the power to control
the men in our lives.

I said soda, not slow-da!

Don't abuse it like I do.

Be nice to my boy.

- I promise, Jules.
- Thanks.

I don't want to know what
this conversation is about, do I?

No, you don't, sweetie.
Ooh. Less ice.

Let me say yes, damn it!

Yes.

Men. Jeez.

We are all here
to pay respect to Big Joe.

He was always there for me
when I needed him.

- Ellie?
- I remember when I first met Big Joe.

He was holding 8,000 pennies
in an antique store.

I walked right by, but Jules,
she gave him a home.

I'll see you at the crossroads, homie.

I know we weren't dating, but I buried
both of my parents last year,

and none of you came.

Anyway, with goodbyes
come new beginnings.

Everyone, say hello to Big Carl.

Rest in peace, Big Joe.
We'll always remember the good times.