Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Makin' Some Noise - full transcript

OK... OK, bad guy.
I know you're out there!

But you picked the wrong house, buddy.
The wrong house.

I may be scared,
but I am not going down like this!

Now that Trav's at college,
what's it like living all alone

in this big, empty house?

I wouldn't say
I'm getting a lot of sleep.

Why a spoon? You can't
hurt anybody with a spoon.

Ow!

Oh, please, I barely hit you.

- I can't believe Travis is gone.
- I just, I miss him so much.

Except for when I lived in Paris,
I've never lived alone before.



You've also never lived in Paris.

If you visit a place for over a week,
then you get to say you lived there.

Well, then I'm a badass, because
I lived in a women's prison once.

Cracker alert.

Oh, I put bells on the front door,

that way I know when
someone's coming in to kill me.

Oh.

I like the bells.
It's a little Christmas-y.

With Travis gone,
how am I ever gonna feel safe?

Jules, I'm here sleeping with you
most nights. Holler.

- Plus, it's a safe neighborhood.
- You're right.

- Oh, boy.
- What? Is... Is there a mark?

- No.
- Really?

- It feels hot and raised.
- Well, it's not. I mean, come on, guys?



- I don't see anything.
- I don't see. Nothing.

Within my finger circle that I'm making?
Nothing right there?

Can you believe it, Kevin?

This is college.

You know, in high school,
I wasn't that popular.

Wasn't a dork, had a girlfriend, had
intercourse with her, you know how I do.

But most people just knew me
as the guy with the haircut

who made his head look
perfectly square. But not here.

No, here I'm gonna be a quiet badass.

Like Harry Potter. Not early Potter,
but in the last book when he...

What am I doing? You probably read it.

The point is, that's the
great thing about college.

You decide who you're going to be.

- I'm gonna call you Square Head.
- Fantastic.

I just don't know
what to do with myself.

When Travis was here,
I always had something to obsess over.

He was like my own
little pale science project.

Go see him. Dork University
is only like 20 minutes away.

I promised I'd stop being so clingy.

We're only gonna talk once a week.

What? You're finally noticing

my new haircut?
I think it's awesome, too.

That constant attention
Jules tortured Trav with?

Well, that crap-bomb's gotta
land on someone else, buddy.

Guess who she's gonna pick?

Since your son left, I wanted to
cheer you up. It's my family's label.

- We're all wine-makers.
- Thanks, Tom.

No offense, but you just got
way more interesting.

I recently earned
my orange belt in jujitsu.

And now you're
running back the other way.

Look, I don't like attention. So if
Jules tries to smother me with it,

I will just say no.

What are we laughing at?
Oh, my God, those jeans suck.

It's like you forgot
to put your ass on this morning.

We're gonna have to do something
about your look.

- Finally see your head?
- Hmm-hmm.

Man, that stinks. I used to rock
the jean shorts and half-shirt.

Then the girls went
and stole my whole look.

Remember how studly Burt Reynolds
looked in that getup?

Hey, look at me. I'm a hairy Adonis.

- Yeah, the half-and-half was regal.
- Hey, Rosa.

Yeah, sure. If Stan's having fun
at the park, stay there.

All right.
Man, our new nanny is awesome.

What happened to the old one?

When Stan goes to sleep,
just shake a little cereal in his crib.

That way, in the morning,
he won't wake us up when he's hungry.

He'll just eat the ones
stuck to his tiny arms.

She may have called Child Services.

OK, guys.

- These are too tight.
- Oh, nut up, crybaby.

You think women enjoy
wearing tight jeans?

Do you think I'm lying like this
to look sexy? Mongo, flip me.

In order to get these jeans fastened,

I have to lie flat on the ground
and either Smith, or if he's not there,

my building manager has to
yank the sides together

while I suck in and do a quick zip
and then the next day,

I am bruised from here to here.

These are my standing jeans.
I literally cannot sit down in them.

Watch. I'm going to relax my whole body
and just crumble to the ground.

Nope, no, I'm not. You see,
because my jeans are holding me up.

- Yeah.
- You know what else I decided?

- Doesn't he look better in glasses?
- Hello, Jeff Goldblum.

# I'm in hell, I'm in hell

# You tell get my comb
She don't like my hair

# She tell me move my boots
She don't want 'em there

# She says that again I'll tell you
what I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say

Back up off me, baby, OK? I'm a
grown man. I'll make my own decisions.

Just not...
# To her face, I'm in... #

- Hey. Is that a new song?
- Yeah, it...

- I'm not really ready to share it yet.
- Well, when you're ready.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Hot Flash, did you do this?

I did. See, the reason I buy
expensive things

is to belittle people
who can't afford them.

Ooh, girl, you just got served...
or is it owned?

Owned is when you dominate someone
over a long period of time.

Served is a swift take-down
often marked by a dance celebration.

Oh, and what's a Snooki?

Payback is coming, Ellie.

Ooh! Scary. Honey,
you're so out of your league.

It's like playing chess with a monkey.

Stan's down, so I'll do his laundry.

That's fine, Nanny.
Don't need the play-by-play.

Yes, ma'am.

"Nanny"? I thought you loved Rosa.

She's amazing. I just don't want to be
friends, so I'm keeping it professional.

I have enough people who think they're
my friends wandering around my house,

stealing time from me.

- You mean her, not me, right?
- Oh!

During my glorious nine weeks
in college, I rocked the half-and-half.

Maybe you can help bring that look
back on your campus. What do you say?

- You want to be the tip of that spear?
- Pass.

And this conversation is over
if that's what you're wearing.

How'd you know?

So, Dad, you know how excited I am
to redefine myself at college?

Quiet badass, like Harry Potter.

I'm just not quite sure how to do it.

Sounds like this talk
needs to be face-to-face.

Don't come here. Don't come here.
Don't come here. Don't...

Hey, buddy.

Did I tell you I played the drums
when I was a kid?

You don't need to hear it from me.
Let my hands do the talking.

We should jam together. Seriously,
I've always wanted a jam room.

We should have everyone over and
just jam out. I mean, talking just jam.

I can't stop saying "jam."

My music is kind of personal.

- And you understand personal space...
- Tink!

Thanks for listening.

Oh, I love my security system. I mean,
it's like I live in an antique store.

- May I help you?
- About that. Um...

I'm feeling guilty because this morning
you were freaking out about safety,

and I just kind of
blew past it, but, um...

Nah, forget it,
I don't want to scare you.

- Tell me!
- Well, I went by my place,

and some DVDs are missing.

And I'll just say it, OK, several.

I know it's not someone getting
dragged into the woods and chopped up,

- but it's still pretty scary, you know?
- Get everybody over here.

Welcome to the first
neighborhood watch meeting.

You son of a bitch,
you took us all down with you.

- Shh! She's talking.
- This is our cul-de-sac, damn it.

And we've gotta protect it.
Tonight, we take back the sac!

First order of business,
we need a new slogan.

Found some batteries for my flashlight.
I had to take it out of my... something.

Anyway, back to the
Neighborhood Watch Association.

The main goal of the NWA is safety.

I thought it was to
represent Compton. What!

OK, I, I don't get that.
Yesterday, Grayson's DVDs were stolen.

Next thing you'll be signing for some
package that contains, guess what?

My head.

If we're sneaking around
the neighborhood at night,

should my husband
be dressed as a cat burglar?

You ladies need
a little muscle out there.

Cuban... Missile... Crisis.

Hey, nice ride. What're you topping
out at? Twelve, maybe 13 MPH?

Why'd he give me the stink eye?

Because he doesn't know
that you also drive a golf cart.

He just thinks you're being a douche.

You see? You're a thinker, Trav. This is
college. You gotta shut that brain off.

Yo! Square Head,
want to play Ultimate Frisbee?

- Square Head and me are in.
- All right.

Really? You're just running with
that nickname? No questions asked, huh?

Time to jump in.

Just don't make that girly noise
you make when you throw stuff.

What noise? I make a noise?

The good thing about burgers

- is that you can...
- Andy,

I think this is going to be
one of our quiet dinners.

Sweetie, it's just, I need some downtime
before we fake-protect the neighborhood.

Hmm...

So, Ellie, we hardly know each other.

Where'd you grow up? What's your story?
Talk to me, girlfriend.

I was so stunned. Do I give off a vibe
that I want to be friends with everyone?

Yeah. Yeah, that's your vibe.

OK. Kill the side chatter.

Take a glow stick.
OK, these are for emergencies only.

- Really?
- But they're so glowy.

I broke mine. Looks like
the Predator bled all over me.

- Aw! It's Trav.
- Oh!

It's not my day to talk,
but I gotta get a fix.

I'm gonna write back as you.
"Hey, hot dog."

- He knows it's not you.
- Wait. Bobby's at his college?

You don't say.

Andy! Right here, I'm open!

- Whoo!
- Dad, go long!

- Yeah.
- Again!

- Well done, son!
- Way to go, S.H.

Thanks, Kev.

- I'm sick of neighborhood watch.
- I'm bored.

- Yeah, I'm bored, too. Let's go home.
- Yeah.

Hey, I wanna cut off some of my hair and
see what you'd look like with a goatee.

- Yeah.
- No, no. No goatee.

Neighborhood watch. I know
what will make this more fun.

- This does make it more fun.
- Yeah.

God, I like Tom wine. You know,
I think his family has a vineyard.

Hey, you guys. Tom's family
doesn't have the vineyard.

He is the vineyard.

We're drinking his feet!

Let's pour it out.

- It is pretty good, though.
- Alcohol is sterile.

- To sweaty foot wine!
- Chin-chin.

I'm with you.

- Hmm...
- I wonder what else is going on.

Check this out.
I thought Rick and Steve were brothers.

Chad Shultz just opened a beer
during his intervention!

Wow, the Goldsteins' fight
got sexual in a hurry.

I know, it's like, "You're worthless,
I hate you, put a baby inside of me!"

Neighborhood watch sucked,
but Wine and Spy rocks.

- We've been made.
- Scatter! Scatter!

Hello? Oh, hi, Carol. What?
You saw some teenagers outside?

- She thought we were teenagers. What?
- Hooray!

I've got to go tell my nanny
I don't want to be friends.

- Ugh. Not smart.
- What?

It's just, you said you love Rosa,
and she's so great with Stan.

I saw them playing peek-a-boo
during Wine and Spy. She's so patient.

- You snap before the first "boo."
- It's a dumb game.

"Oh, where did I go?
I'm behind the magazine again." Snore.

Whatever. If you shut Rosa out,

you think she'll
still be so amazing with Stan?

- What am I supposed to do?
- You love your boy.

- You know what you gotta do.
- Oh, crap.

You up for some tea and Scrabble?

Yeah.

The reason why a half-shirt's
so exciting, Kev,

is because it's like a curtain
coming up for the show.

- I'm glad my dad showed up.
- And me, too, right?

My dad really got me out there today.

Pretty soon people
are gonna know what I'm about.

They already know.
You're Bobby Cobb's son.

He does all the dirty work
of being awesome,

and we just hang on to the sweet,
musky charisma and enjoy the ride.

I'm not riding my dad's musk.

Yo, I'm not gonna call you
Square Head anymore.

- OK.
- Your new name is "Not Bobby."

Hey, Not Bobby.
Has the red spot gone away yet?

Yep.

Quick pause.

I wanna do something
about those eyebrows.

You're starting to look a little Greek.
See, I used to live in Athens.

You've got your kooky
neighborhood watch to think about.

- No need to focus on me.
- What do you mean by "kooky"?

- You know what you're like.
- No.

Why don't you tell me what I'm like?

Well, you've got the whole
empty nest thing going on,

so you've been dumping all
your attention on me, and I hate it.

So, I gave you the
neighborhood watch as a gift,

like a little basket
to put all your crazy in.

So, my attention is so horrible

that you thought you'd distract me
by treating me like some baby?

- Were your DVDs even stolen?
- I am missing Terminator Salvation,

although, to be honest, I might've
thrown it away or, or burnt it.

Go home, Grayson.

OK, wait. Come here.

Now, go.

- Are those the jeans I picked out?
- Yep.

It's part of my apology.

I should've just told you
that I didn't like all that attention.

My son just left home.

This is so scary and it's confusing
and it's sad all at once.

In my defense, you were really annoying.

You're right. You know,
it's not fair for me to smother you

just because
I'm going through something.

Can I go change my jeans?
Eventually I wanna have kids.

I mean, we've only
been dating for a few months,

so if you're not able
to take care of me

because you're an emotionally
crippled half-man, I'm not gonna judge.

Thanks.

Besides, I'm strong enough as a woman
to be able to, you know,

take care of myself and not
desperately cling to someone.

It's my baby! My baby is calling me!

Hi. What's wrong?
This isn't our once-a-week phone call.

- What's going on?
- Hi, Mom.

You wanna quit college and come home?
I will tell everyone you have mono.

I'm fine, but Dad and Andy slept here
and they won't leave.

- Isn't he cute when he sleeps?
- You only call when you need something?

- You're my mom. That's how it works.
- All right, fine, I'll be right there.

No, no, no. Don't come here.
Don't come here! Don't come here!

Travis wants me to come there.

If I can get Stan to nap
in his stroller, we could go get coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be busy all day
committing suicide.

- Ellie!
- Rosa!

Oh, boy. I came to check on you.

Don't ever check on me. If you
look in and you see that I'm on fire,

- know I would rather roll myself out.
- Got it.

I wonder if Jules
has any more foot wine.

Where's Jules?

- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh, nice.

Growing up, I had a cousin Russ
who used to rock the half-shirt.

Honest to God,
his abs were like waves in the ocean.

Don't look at me like that.

I only kissed him once,
and it was on a dare.

I dared him.

Your mom... is hot.

Wait. Why would you let Jules go there?

Remember, she told us all she was
trying to give Travis some space.

Oh, he knows. He just doesn't want to
get involved because he feels smothered.

- That does sound like him.
- Jules needs your help.

If you were having a hard time,

she would force her way in with
a sledge hammer. That actually happened.

I locked myself in a bathroom
and she busted in, all DEA-style.

- She was like, "Lady friend..."
- Maybe we tell that story later.

- Yes, maybe we will.
- Oh, yeah.

Chuckles, you've gotta decide
if you're just gonna be someone

who Jules sleeps with for a few months,

and then dumps and
we all ostracize you until you move.

Or if you're gonna be someone
who can be really there for her.

And that means being
part of the crazy. All of it.

Yeah, Chuckles.

OK. You watch, we're going to find you
a cute girl in this Freshman Facebook.

Good. Whenever I see a girl, I'm like,
"What would Mom, Dad and Andy think?"

Ooh! I like Sue Kaner.
Ah, she's bringing it.

Oh, wait a minute. She's from Tampa.
You can never trust a girl from Tampa.

She's right, Trav.
You see this scar on my neck?

Tampa chick.

- Oh, good. My mom's boyfriend is here.
- What are you doing?

Jules, I want to be more than
just a guy who sleeps with you.

- Does this have to happen here?
- So let's sort a few things out, OK?

Travis, your mother's
having a hard time, OK?

Call her more than once a week.

Bobby, Travis here
is going to college, not you.

- Andy, seriously?
- Dude.

- And, Jules...
- What?

...come with me.

I woke up one morning
and my wife was gone.

I know a little something about being
left alone in an empty house.

Yeah. At least you were left by someone
who didn't love you anymore.

That's sweet. Hey, look, I know
it's scary, but it's also a new chapter.

- Embrace it.
- I can't.

Every time I go up there
to Travis' room, I am miserable.

There's nothing that can change that.

A jam room? It's amazing!

But what if Travis
wants to move back home?

- He's never moving back, Jules.
- Travis.

Fine. But until then,
you can lean on me.

Aw...

You know what you're
getting yourself into?

Nope.

See you tomorrow.

What am I doing? It's early.
Let's double down on the girl time.

No. When you leave,
you have to stay left.

I can't take it anymore.
I don't want to be your friend.

I don't want to drink tea with you,

or hear about your stupid diabetic
mother and the fluid in her legs.

Don't want it. And, Rosa,
do not park your car in our driveway.

This isn't Tampa.

And if you take this out on Stan,
you will go to a special place in hell

reserved for murderers
and pageant moms.

Your best friend told me
to be friends with you!

She said you fired your last nanny
because she kept it too professional.

What best friend?

Chess with a monkey, bitch.
You just got owned and served. Ha!

Sorry I came here
and stole your thunder.

Every man needs to create
his own thunder.

Man, it'd be cool
if I could fart right now.

- It really would.
- Now, get out there

and make a name for yourself.

Wait. Where are you going?

That's not my cart.

Go, go, go! Whoo!

What up, Kev?

Square Head is kind of a quiet badass.

Whoo!

- San Antonio, good night!
- Whoo!

High score!

- Did I make the noise?
- Nope.

Play again, I wanna video this.