Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Let Yourself Go - full transcript

- What just happened?
- Remember the night when we had sushi?

I loved the way the chefs greeted us,
so I thought we'd start doing it here.

- I like it.
- I hate it more than anything ever.

- Cool, then we'll just do it to you.
- Hmm.

Should I bring this shirt to college?
I've been working out a lot,

so I'm not sure that it's obvious
anymore than it's supposed to be ironic.

- It's still pretty obvious.
- I'm gonna miss you the most.

I can't believe
you're leaving in a week.

Hmm.

Andy, do I look old enough
to have a kid in college?

Not unless you had him
when you were nine.



- Thank you.
- And then they kiss.

That tickles.

Oh, my God.

You know what I loved most
about college?

Oh, Jellybean, are you confusing college
with that management training course

- that you took at the Waffle House?
- Fine, I didn't "go to college."

But I used to like to hang out
and pretend I was a student

and go to all the awesome parties.
I even joined a sorority.

But the politics drove me crazy.

So Kelly Archer gave Suzy Whitley's
boyfriend a...

I'm not supposed to go
on her parents' boat for spring break?

That, my friends, is horse crap.
So, I packed...

Laurie, sweetheart,
your point's over here somewhere.

There was something
you loved about college?



OK, I'm lost inside my brain again.

Oh, Jellybean.

Drinking games! I love drinking games.

- Wine up, everybody.
- Yeah!

Oh!

- Ooh!
- Come on, get it!

Come on, chug it, loser.

But don't drink at college.
You're not of age yet.

Doesn't even look like fun.

Oh, it's, it's really
hard to chug Pinot.

Man, I love fishing off the boat.

I mean, I still have to
run over to the beach to cast.

Plus, you gotta wait for a break
in traffic to reel anything in.

And even then,
you gotta reel it in quick.

I like being your son.

Oh, hey, I got a new laptop for college.
I thought you might want the old one.

- Hot damn, buddy, my first computer!
- Yeah.

You know how much
I'm going to miss you, right?

Same here.

Whoo! Fish on! Baby, I got a big one!

Whoa.

Nope. Just another bus.

Why do you keep doing this
when you know I hate it?

- You just answered your own question.
- Ellie, why is Tom mowing your lawn?

He feels bad for me, I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because he thinks that
your son died. Satan will now explain.

Do you guys remember yesterday
when I was really upset

because Andy threw away my latte
when it still had a sip left?

- I'm still mad about that.
- Yeah, I feel bad, too.

Anyway, Tom came up right after
and said, "Who died?"

I said, "Stan." But I was talking to
my Bluetooth, I wasn't talking to him.

And before I could explain, he started
crying and talking about God's plan,

and then he started doing things for me,
and, well, you know, I went with it.

- You're OK with this?
- I don't want to mow the lawn.

It's like a thousand degrees out there.
Ellie, no look. Whoo!

- Hells yeah!
- I forget you even have a kid.

- I mean, you never talk about Dan.
- Stan.

- Who cares?
- Is there anything worse

than an intelligent woman
who squirts out a baby and talks about

every boring detail of its life? Andy,
tell him what you think about that.

It might be the most
un-sexy thing in the world.

OK, I heard what you said about
boring baby stories, but I don't care.

Check out this macaroni necklace
that Travis made me when he was one.

- One?
- Fine, I made it.

But I used his hands
like he was a little puppet.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Tom.

You want me to get your lawn,
too, Jules?

Oh, God, thanks, Tom.
It is a tough time.

I can't imagine.

- You're all going to hell.
- So are you.

- You ate his lasagna last night.
- I ate "dead baby" lasagna?

And you loved it. So put on a sad face,
'cause tonight Tom is making Mexican.

- Mexican, yeah.
- Ooh! So good!

I'm sorry.

I can't believe Travis is leaving home.

It feels
like just yesterday he...

OK, I shouldn't have to say this
to a girl, I'm right here.

I can't help it, honey.
You are rocking major cleave today.

Travis used to eat out of these.

Oh, boy. You are really gonna lose it
when he splits, aren't you?

No, 'cause I got a whole week to deal.

I've already started my coping process.

Getting nostalgic, day one.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna spend
every waking second with him.

Oh, I already have a list
of stuff we're gonna do.

Oh...

What's so fun about a motorcycle ride?

When I go too fast, he's gonna be afraid
of dying and he's gonna hug me so tight.

- Poor Trav.
- I know, he's screwed.

Hey, do you want me to teach you
how to use that bad boy?

Please. I've mostly been
using it like a magazine.

You know, hitting flies with it,
using it to scratch my engine room.

You should start a blog and share
your cracker lingo with the world.

- What the fudge is a blog?
- A blog is like a diary.

But you want everyone to read it. Like,
if you get bad service at a restaurant,

you blog it. Then you get a free meal
at that restaurant. But you wonder,

"Did they lure me back here
so they could spit in my food?"

So you blog that.
And then they take you to court.

Wish I could take everything
in your head and put it in mine.

Are you sure you have room
for all her Blink-182 lyrics

and her fascinating ideas
on homemade birth control?

Just FYI, plastic wrap is like
93 and a half percent effective, so...

Oh, God, there's Barb. Please save me.

What? You are a coward.

Hi. Well, I hear your son
is heading off to college.

I actually just finished
a very private meeting

with the dean and the chancellor.

Let's go, Dean.
You, too, Chancellor.

When Travis was a baby, when someone
like that came up and bugged me,

he would just cry on command
and then they would leave.

All I had to do was give him
just a little pinch.

He wasn't crying on command.
You were hurting him.

- You shut up. I'm a good mom.
- Ow!

You know what Stan does that's even
more amazing than your abuse story?

- Andy, we decided. No baby stories.
- No, we didn't decide. You decided.

- When I decide, we decide.
- Not in front of the guys.

- I'm gonna tell a Stan story.
- I wouldn't.

Sometimes, when Stan smiles, little
bubbles come out. How adorable is that?

- So adorable.
- I will decide your punishment later.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, that's like a motorcycle hug.
Come on, tighter.

- So, Mom.
- Yep?

I think I'm gonna leave
for college tomorrow.

Oh.

- Oh. Still hugging. Cool.
- OK.

I know classes don't start for
a week, but I wanna get a head start,

you know, get acclimated.

By all means, you should go
and get acclimated.

God knows, you don't want to start
college off if you're not acclimated.

You're awesome.

- Laters.
- Later.

You're never gonna leave me,
are you, buddy?

Ow!

- You used to do that to your baby?
- It's just a little pinch.

Ow!

Jules, you OK?

Honey, why don't you go
to your crazy place?

- I don't wanna.
- Come on, it'll make you feel better.

Travis was born eight days late.
So he's already stolen one week from me.

Ah, that little bitch
is trying to do it again.

Welcome to Crazy Town.

Here. I got her some coffee.

That's so nice, sweetie.

Oh, my God, is my punishment for telling
a Stan story no eye contact?

It is.

But I love your eye contact. I crave it!

Well, that's why I took it away.

Don't make me hate the Japanese.
How you doing?

Crappy. I've just...
I've got to slap out of it.

"Snap." It's "snap out of it,"
not "slap out of it."

"Snap" doesn't make sense. How is this
gonna get you out of a funk?

But this... See, that gets
your attention, right?

- It really does.
- Jules, slap out of it.

I will. Travis doesn't leave
till tomorrow,

so there's plenty of time
for mother and son bonding.

I'm gonna have to whittle down
this list. Let's see.

We don't have to fly a kite together.

I just have to cancel that photographer.
All right. Travis!

- You're mine today.
- This can't be good.

OK, let's start class.

Now, where can we plug this in?

OK, let's start class.

Now, the Internet
is like a series of spider webs

that connects us to each other.

Oh, except that the webs are invisible.

Oh, and the spiders are nerds.

- Ooh, look at them all.
- OK, there you go. You're online.

Now, I assume you know some basics.

Like, if the font is too small,
you just enlarge it.

- Make big.
- Really?

Oh, do you remember this little bear?
It's so cute, you loved it.

Ooh, doesn't smell good. Sweet.

- What?
- We just spent the last hour

sifting through a shoebox containing
a lock of hair from my first haircut,

all my baby teeth, and something that
looked like a piece of dried apricot.

It's either a part of his umbilical cord
or the tip of his...

Umbilical cord,
let's just stick with umbilical cord.

- Oh, well, only Mommy knows.
- Jules, make Ellie look at me.

- Ellie?
- No.

I gave it a shot.
OK, let's go, Trav.

- Where we going?
- We're gonna get matching toe rings.

Maybe just stay here
and play with my umbilical cord.

Let's go.

Come on! Just give me a taste,
I'm tweaking.

Since you won't accept your punishment,
you will now watch

whilst I give eye contact to...
another man.

- Oh, no.
- How do you like it, Dime Eyes?

- It's cold.
- Brrr.

- Can't look away.
- And he gets it...

...all... the way... out.

Oh...

It's like a ghost passed through me.

The only way I'm gonna get this to end
is if I can get Stan to do something

so amazing she can't help
but tell a story about it.

- Like what?
- We can get him to pee on you.

- Keep spit-balling.
- How about on your shoes?

- Slap out of it!
- Ooh!

We'll get him to walk
for the first time.

This'll work!

I can't believe this is
our last family dinner.

- Are we playing tag?
- It's just a mom-touch.

I gotta bank some.

Oh, I forgot to get garlic.
Do you wanna go to the store with me?

Not after last time we went out.

Oh, my God. Are you even watching
where you're going?!

I love you, too.

You're alive, you big baby.

This is a family dinner.
Where the hell is your dad?

I love the web. I mean, look at this
little kitty right here play the piano!

Just like Bruce Hornsby.

And have you ever heard
the term "nip-slip"?

Bobby, it's a Laurie Keller
signature move.

I just drop my shoulder like so.

You're welcome, nerds.

So, when I pull on the line,
Stan will stand up and walk...

- Like a puppet with a bad father?
- Like a baby taking his first steps.

When Ellie sees it on the monitor,
she'll have to rush and tell everyone.

Perfect plan, huh?

You don't even know
how dumb you are, do you?

Oh! Oh, yeah!

- Think Ellie will buy it?
- I don't know. Ellie?

- No.
- Babe, come on, it's, it...

- It's not that bad.
- Who would ever believe this?

Ghost baby.

Well, we finished all the steak.

So when your dad shows up,
I'll have to give him "dead baby" tacos.

I'm probably gonna head out.
It's my last night in town,

so I'm gonna go
meet up with the boys and rage.

We're gonna get fro-yo.
I'm glad I get to start over in college.

I'll come with.

That sounds super fun,
but tell you what.

I'm gonna do my own thing tonight

and then you and I can hop back on the
crazy train in the morning.

You can't get off the crazy train.
There's no stops.

That's what makes it so crazy.

You're kind of smothering me.

With love. It doesn't count.

- It's still kind of annoying.
- I'm sorry I'm being so annoying.

I hope you enjoyed your meal
and all the clothes that I bought you

- since you were born.
- Oh, here comes the guilt trip.

- Oh, my God, you are so selfish.
- No, I'm not being selfish, you are.

Hey!

If I'm such a burden, you're packed.
Why don't you go?

- Whoa, Jules...
- Did someone ask you to jump in?

Yeah, you're doing great.

- Is that what you want, me to leave?
- I don't care.

- OK, fine.
- Fine!

- Take it easy.
- Yeah, see you around, dude.

Why didn't you jump in?

- Hi.
- Hey.

Am I a freak for sleeping in Trav's bed
on his first night away?

No. You're a freak for wearing
his T-shirt as a nightgown.

Well, it smells just like him.

It's a combination of self-doubt
and lavender.

He uses my body wash.

Hmm-hmm. He's gonna be
a real alpha male in the dorms.

He just left. He's probably
having the time of his life.

Hi, are you my roommate? I'm Travis.

I'm not a perv or anything,
this isn't some strange girl's panties.

- This is just my mom's hair scrunchie.
- That's gonna be my bed.

Yep.

- You know who else I'm mad at?
- God, I hope it's me.

There is one person that could've
stopped this from happening.

Look at that.

The world just end?

"Mommy, I know
you're mad at Daddy,

so I kicked him in the nuts. Boom."

I'm glad you find this to be so funny.

You can't stay mad at me
for wanting to brag about our son.

And honestly,
it's a little weird that you don't.

I wanna tell people
about every moment with Stan.

How he blows kisses in his sleep,

and he scares himself when he sneezes.

Do you remember the time he pooped
in your mom's purse?

I had to hold it for him, but still.

That was amazing.
Let's go tell everybody.

"A woman who just talks about her baby

may be the un-sexiest thing
in the world." Who said that?

- Ben Vereen?
- Oh, you know what...

- Ellie.
- "Daddy, who's Ben Vereen?"

A very talented singer
and dancer who got hit by a car.

"Is he OK?"

Yeah, I think he's all right.

Bobby, if you had bothered
to show up to dinner,

then Travis and I would not have
gotten into a fight

and we would have
had the perfect goodbye.

I had an awesome goodbye
with Travis yesterday.

He gave me this computer, then we had
one of those good, solid "man moments"

where everything gets said but nobody's
talking. I call it a "non-versation."

Do you think I wanted to spend all day
learning how to use this demon box?

I'm hooked on adorable animal videos.

It's true. You know Bobby's one of those
easily distractible types, like...

Oh, my God. There is a video of a
chicken making change for a dollar.

Look, I'm not doing this for fun.

I'm learning the Internet
so I can e-mail Trav.

I know this is hard for you,
but it's hard on all of us.

- I'm OK.
- Hell, it's probably toughest on Trav.

This is his first time ever on his own,
and with all those strangers,

he's probably terrified that he's
not gonna be able to, you know...

What the hell's the word
I'm looking for?

- Acclimate.
- Hmm.

- I'm a bad mom.
- No.

I sure am gonna miss that little weirdo.

- Bobby.
- Hmm?

He's only 20 minutes away.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

- I just came to hang with my friends.
- Oh... They're not here yet?

You know what we should do right now?

We should tell these guys
a Stan story together.

Oh, excuse us for a second.

- Murder-suicide.
- We made a pact.

If only.

Do you not get what a
slippery slope this is for me?

If I tell one Stan story,
I'm gonna have to tell 100.

And then tomorrow I'm gonna wake up
with a "sensible mom" haircut

- and jeans up to my armpits.
- Babe, you are way too nasty

and self-involved to ever
be a "pathetic mommy" type.

- Really?
- Yes! Guys, back me up.

You lied about your own kid's death
to get free food.

I thought only my mom did that.

You're not just saying that
to make me feel better?

I would never say anything
to make you feel better.

I dread every minute we spend together.

They mean it. And so do I.

Thanks, Andy. Thanks, guys.

Suck it, Mom Jeans.

So did you come here
to yell at me some more?

No, but when you use that smart-ass
tone, you're kind of asking for it.

Look, I'm sorry. I just,
I never stopped to think that leaving

might be really hard on you, too.

It's a trillion times harder for me.
But it's not a contest.

Because if it was, I would win,
and that's not fair to you.

Mom...

I've been afraid of this moment
for so long.

But I know I've raised such a great kid.

We raised a great kid.

- Eh...
- Hmm...

Travis, I never expected
some dramatic goodbye.

I just thought that we'd hug,
and then I'd wave,

and then you'd look back at me
with some meaningful glance

that just kind of summed up
our whole relationship.

I hate that I spoiled this whole thing.

And now I can never
get that goodbye back.

Well, you do only live 20 minutes away.

- Grab Stan, we're gonna miss Travis.
- Oh, my gosh, Andy, look.

Bye, guys.

- Bye, Travis.
- See you, Trav.

Keep it in your pants, sporto.

Hey.

Meaningful glance.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

Oh... Stan walked.

- Now is not the time.
- Right.

Well, the one thing
you gotta know about Stan

is that his two favorite things in
the world are his bottle and bananas.

The only problem is he calls his bottle
"ba-ba," and he calls bananas "be-be."

So I'm always like, "Do you want your
'ba-ba' or your 'be-be'?"

Or sometimes I say, "Do you want your
'ba-ba' and your 'be-be'?"

Because bananas make him thirsty.

The only thing I will not
give him again is grape juice.

What are you doing?

We're going for the first ever
quintuple...

I'm wiping the blood off.

That's right, I'm continuing.
Where was I?

Oh! Grape juice.