Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - All Mixed Up - full transcript

- Oop! There it is.
- Whoo!

Whoo! I thought you
crazy kids were going out.

We were, but you know
how we drink lots of red wine?

- Yeah. And?
- That's it.

Plus, Grayson's got a new drinking game.

It's called Movie Mash-up. You take
two movie titles that share a word,

combine them,
and then you describe that movie.

For example, a killer whale
gives out golden tickets

to see who gets his candy company.

Free Willy... Willy Wonka... Free Willy
Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

I don't get it.
How is it a drinking game?



Well, we drink while we do it.

- Ah...
- Der.

Guys, I got one. A fat cartoon cat gets
to play catch with his dead father.

Ooh! Uh...

- Garfield of Dreams.
- Yeah, baby!

Boom-chaka-laka!

Are you kidding?
I haven't gotten one yet.

- Adi?s, alkies.
- See you, pale guy.

- Bye, nerd.
- Bye, honey.

I can't believe our boy's
going away to college.

Are you freaking out
that Travis is leaving?

I am a little.

But I've got this great new shrink.

Plus, I can always lean
on my Grayson-ship.



"Grayson-ship"?

It's when you're in a relationship
with an emotionless robot.

- I don't like to feel.
- No, he doesn't.

You know how I deal when things get
stressful? I embrace my Spanish roots.

Siestas every day, 2pm.
No matter what.

- Mr. Torres, Mr. Lavery is here.
- Not now, Paul. Very busy.

Paul, where's comfy blankey?

Starting tomorrow,
2:00 naps for everybody.

Hey guys. A crime solving dog
deals with racism in Brooklyn.

- Oh...
- Oh, oh...

No wait, I got it.

Dog. Uh, Marmaduke, Marmaduke,
and racism, and...

Gone With The Wind.
Marma... I have no clue.

Scooby-Doo The Right Thing.

You suck.

You know, your parents
are gonna miss you so much, Travis.

You know who's gonna
miss me third most?

- Your girlfriend?
- Look in the mirror, Farrah.

Please. I don't miss people.
I dismiss them.

When my first dad left,
I was like, "See ya."

Second dad, "Peace." Third dad,

"Whatever, Doug, don't let the door hit
your wheelchair on the way out." Ba-bam!

When I'm gone, it's just gonna be
you and the old people.

I keep you young.
# Beep-beep-boop-boop-boop

You go to bed at 9:30, Travis.

Only on school nights. Yesterday,
I was tearing it up with my boys,

Lionel Richie style, all night long.

I got 20 bucks that says
I can stay up longer than you.

Done.

What were you
and your crazy buddies doing?

Emilio Estevez movie marathon.
The Estevez-festivez.

I'm thinking about
reinventing myself in college.

You have to!

Oh, I don't wanna be late
for my shrink's appointment.

My dad called me,
drunk again, last night.

I don't know why you waste your money
on therapy when you have me.

If I have a problem, I just go to you.

You don't have real problems.

It's always, "My husband loves me
too much," or "I hate my nanny's hair."

Pigtails at 50, really?

- Look, Glenn's a professional.
- Already hate her.

You wouldn't if you met her.
I told her how tight I was with Travis,

and now she bases our entire therapy
on this incredible relationship

she has with her own son, Gabriel.

We've been dealing with my past.
My divorce.

Oh! And she helped me
get rid of my finger guns.

"Jules, they don't control you,
you control them."

See? They're just hands again.

I already know
what she's gonna say about your dad.

He's a grown-up and it's
not your job to take care of him.

Right. 'Cause it's that simple.

Jules, your father is a grown-up.
You do not have to take care of him.

Would you please just take care of you?

Right, it's that simple.

It really is. Feel like
a little honeysuckle today?

- Bring it, Glenn.
- So, where were we?

Are you still in a co-dependent
relationship with your ex,

feeling like you don't deserve
the good things in your life?

- Yes, and yes.
- So I guess that I should

- move forward with my kitchen remodel?
- I would.

OK, that's great.

You know, it's good
to have a little guy time.

The last few weeks I've
been with Jules nonstop. So it's...

Oh, I'm sorry, man. Is that weird
for me to talk about her?

No, Greyhound. I'm fine with it, buddy.

Bobby Cobb is a rock.

Sure, he used to carry a torch for her,
but that torch has been snuffed out.

Hell, I eat lunch with her
every workday. He doesn't care.

- I know, cheddar.
- I mean, I can't... It binds me up.

Actually, things are going
really well with Grayson.

- That's great. Who's Grayson?
- My boyfriend.

Jules, didn't he try to choke you?

- No, there's no choking.
- There's no choking?

No, no, no, there's no choking.

I must be confusing you
with another patient.

- Oh.
- Go on, tell me about Gordon.

- Grayson.
- It's a fun name. Share.

Well, I feel like for the first time,

I'm not getting too far
ahead of myself, and...

Hmm...

Oh, God, did you just
bust me with a look?

I do what I do.

I'm getting so far ahead of myself

that I've actually named
the Asian baby we're gonna adopt.

- Arthur.
- Oh, no.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Oh, please, there's no judgment here.

Do you think that I feel embarrassed
that I believe that this little crystal

- stops me from having cancer?
- Well, it doesn't.

- Oh, it really does.
- It really doesn't.

- It does, Jules. No judgment.
- OK.

The reason I chose therapy,
or, I'm sorry,

I should say the reason that therapy
chose me, is because I'm an empath.

I don't know what that means.

I know exactly what you're feeling
because I have been there.

- Oh.
- Do you know how tight

you are with your son, um...

- Travis.
- Travis.

The first time I let Gabriel go and
have a sleepover at his friend's house,

- I cried the entire night.
- Soul mates.

This will be good practice for the
all-nighters I'll be pulling in college.

Please tell me by "all-nighters"
you mean partying and not studying.

- Can't it be both?
- No.

Hey, hey. It's three in the morning.
I have to take the Bar tomorrow.

I'm sorry, babe.

Big whoop, I have
to go to a bar tomorrow.

Ah!

OK, I'll give you an easy one.

Daniel Day-Lewis plays
a wheelchair-bound artist

who wants a high school dance, even
though the town preacher forbids it.

Wheelchair, dancing.

My Left Footloose.

- That's not easy.
- Ow! Stop hitting.

Listen, if you wanna play anymore,

then you're gonna have to choose one of
the six movies out of my DVD collection.

Yes, two of them are hip-hop ab videos,
but I don't care.

- Would you please make it work?
- Got it.

Hey, listen, if it's OK, I was
thinking about taking tomorrow off.

From what? Work?

No, from, from you. I mean, from us.
This is coming out wrong.

No, I think it's coming out perfectly.

It's like saying "I hate you"
without all the mean words.

I don't understand.

I thought that our Grayson-ship
was going great.

- Our Grayson-ship is...
- Got me.

Our relationship is going fine.

I just want 24 hours for myself.
OK? It's not a big deal.

It's a huge deal, Grayson. Anybody
who knows anything about anything

- would think this is a huge deal.
- No, they wouldn't.

Really?

Sure. Take a day off. It's no big deal.

Thanks, Doc. Hottest doctor
I've ever seen, by the way.

Thank you. Inappropriate.

- See you in the car.
- Wait, that's it? He wins?

It's not fair.

I know it's not fair.
Nothing's really fair.

Ignore him. Just ignore him.

So, it is 10:17.
I will see you in 24 hours.

Oh, who cares what Glenn says?
To hell with her. Let's go camping.

- You don't camp.
- Shh!

- What do you say?
- See you tomorrow.

Oh, he just left. And I'm already
jonesing for his cuddles.

- Grayson's a big cuddler?
- I don't remember.

It's all slipping away.

You know, maybe Glenn made a mistake.

You should take Ellie,

and go and find her and give her
a chance to make it right.

Wait in the car, I'm getting my keys.

- Sucker!
- Die.

Jules, what did they do to you?

Mustache on a lady, always funny.

Check this out. David Caruso.

We're gonna solve this.

Where were you looking?

How do you know that Glenn's at yoga?

Well, whenever she leaves our session
to pee, I go through her date book.

- Well, hello, ladies.
- Hi, Barb.

I just spent the last hour getting my
body twisted into all sorts of positions

- by a sweaty Indian man.
- I'm glad you enjoyed yoga class.

- What yoga class?
- And there it is.

Adieu.

- I honestly never see it coming.
- Well, you're just a dummy.

All right. When Glenn comes out, I'm
gonna act surprised to run into her, OK?

- Hmm-hmm.
- You know,

we probably don't
have to be this sneaky.

I mean, yes, it's her day off, and yes,
I'm a patient, but she really likes me.

I wonder if she feels guilty
taking my money.

Maybe she should pay you.

Mother Buddha.

How are you not tired?

I should be. I ran the dunes
for my morning workout, went home,

put Smith up on the blocks
and changed his oil.

Still, I have never felt more awake.

- "Changed his oil"?
- Don't worry about it.

You can't psyche me out.

Seeing you fall apart,
it's sad and beautiful.

Ah, it's nice to get a little break
from Jules, you know?

What are we gonna do with our guy time?
Have some beers?

- Play some penny can?
- Ah, we're gonna stake out a bus bench.

- OK, I cleaned up Jules.
- I need new friends.

- Pipe down.
- Ah!

I'm gonna be undercover on the bench,
a normal bloke reading the racing form.

Hello, Governor.

Bobby, you'll be chilling on the lawn
over there with your pony.

Cool.

- Grayson, I need you up in that tree.
- What?

- Someone has to be the lookout.
- Mm-mmm. I'm taking the lawn.

Let's settle this like men.

Hug Battle, skin-on-skin,
first one to bail, loses.

- Let's go, shirts off.
- I got the tree.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! You...

Calm. Center.

Five, four, three. My anger is a puddle,
I simply step out.

- Hello, Jules.
- Hi.

How can I help you?

I just don't understand why Grayson
needs to take a day off from me.

What is he even doing?

Al Gore does a PowerPoint presentation
on Madonna's naked body.

An Inconvenient Truth or Dare.

Stop talking. We're not
supposed to know each other!

You're really bald from up here.

So uncool.

Jules, Grendon just wants
some alone time.

You know, this actually
reminds me of a Gabriel story.

I love Gabriel stories.
It's like she's talking about me.

This weekend is his first communion.

Oh...

I mean they just...
They grow up so fast.

And he is such a free spirit,
you know...

...that I feel like if I don't have him
right next to me, all the time,

he's just gonna run away.

- This is just like me and Grayson.
- Is it?

You've got to let him
off the chain once in a while.

Hey, Glenn, uh,
were you gonna leave a note?

- Of course I was.
- Mmm-hmm.

Why the judgment? The suspicion?

Are you Ellie?
Is that Ellie? Hi, Ellie.

I gotta go grab a shower.

Hey, don't go upstairs and fall asleep.

This is horrible.

I know it doesn't take much to keep
your tiny lizard brain functioning,

a pocket of air, a few huffs of spray
paint, but how are you staying awake?

I'm cheating.
Whenever I'm not with Travis, I sleep.

I know I'm gonna have to give him
20 bucks, but it's totally worth it

to watch him lose his mind, right?

- Imaginary hat.
- Imaginary opera gloves.

- What is this? What are we doing?
- So dumb.

- You know why I hate what Glenn said?
- Oh! Hold that thought. It's 2pm.

Siesta time!

I call couch!

Really?

Is this what you people do all day?
You just sleep?

Come on! I was right here!

Wow, I feel great.

Good Lord, you wake up peppy.

Now where was I before siesta?

Oh, right. You know why
I hate what Glenn said?

Because she is so amazing,
I have to listen.

She wasn't gonna leave a note.

Are you sure that's the type of person
you want as your "life coach"?

- Are you that jealous?
- She just seems a little off.

- Well, you're off.
- She's crazy.

- You're crazy.
- I'm not a therapist.

- Thank God.
- She wasn't gonna leave a note.

- She was!
- Prove it!

Glenn. Hi.

This is not about Grayson.
This is about the note that you left.

That sounds extremely important.

Come on, Gabriel, up, up, up.
Don't be rude. Say hi to Jules.

- What?
- What?

- Gabriel is a dog?
- My little baby.

Hello, my little baby. I love you.
I love you so much. Oh, yes.

Yay.

You based all of my treatment
on your dog?

Mmm-hmm. OK, I am gonna, just gonna
light a little sage in here 'cause,

you know, it's very calming,
so let's just... let's calm.

I can't believe you lied to me.

Hey, hey, hey, Jules!

- And yes, this is my stern voice!
- I don't like your stern voice.

- All I ever did was use my...
- Personal experience to help you.

All right? I have never
lied in this office. Ever!

This is a
sacred circle of truth.

- Is it, Glenn?
- What?

Tell me, after we left,
did you leave a note on that car?

- Yes, I did.
- What did it say?

- It said, "Suck it."
- Hmm.

- I'm not perfect, Jules.
- Really?

That's why we connect.
We're kindred spirits.

Last time you said that you felt guilty
because you hung up on your dad.

Last Christmas, I set my car on fire
so my dad would think I was dead.

- Those aren't the same!
- Ah, they're so close.

But you know what?

I'm done playing with your
judgment games. I'm not gonna play.

You're gonna have to find
another therapist.

You're firing me?

- Here's your information.
- Are you serious?

- Yep.
- You are a nut job!

- Ahh.
- You take your dog to communion.

Hey, that was not my choice.

That was Gabriel's choice.
I was totally against that, Jules!

Oh...

Five, four, three. My anger is
in a purple balloon, and I let it go.

It's back.

It's not real.

So, you gonna tell him that you're
the one that's been writing on Jules?

What?

- Oh, nuts. Marker.
- Yeah, and also your hands.

Look, I may not be totally cool with
the whole you-and-Jules-thing just yet.

I can't talk to anybody about it.
I love seeing Jules happy.

But I can't talk to her
'cause she'll end up feeling guilty.

I can't tell Andy, he'll tell Ellie.
Even Dog Travis can't be there for me.

He understands happy and sad,
but he doesn't get the specifics.

But you, you're the outside guy,
I can talk to you about anything.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

- That's it, Trav.
- Your little eyes are closing now.

Wine, now!

Gah! I almost had him.

No, no. I need Big Joe.

OK, while you fill that up,
I'm gonna go talk to Grayson.

Don't go over there.

- Let go.
- Man Hands, help me.

What? Why are we doing this?

What? Would you let go of me?
Come on. I can do what I want!

Oh, look, he's asleep.

- Aw!
- So cute.

- That's my boy.
- No.

- Jules.
- Ellie, go back inside.

No!

The reason that I didn't like Glenn,
she took my spot.

I like hearing your problems and
keeping you from doing dumb stuff.

It's the closest thing I have to a job.

- OK.
- Don't go over to Grayson's house.

- It'll seem desperate.
- We don't want that.

But if you ignore him
and pretend like nothing's wrong,

he will come crawling back. Trust me.

Hi, dummy.

Hello.

You better be right,
because I just sat on a snail.

Shh!

There you go.

And by the way, I totally cheated.

It's just fun to screw with you.

You're a good kid, Trav.

And I know what I said, but...

I am gonna miss you.

I want my 20 dollars.

- Permission to come aboard?
- Trav, we got a guest.

Whoa. That's amazing.

He likes to open them up with his teeth,
but I had to put the kibosh on that

'cause he kept swallowing
too many bottle caps.

- What can I do you for?
- Just came by to have a beer.

Hey, man, I am your friend,
and you can always talk to me.

Just do me a favor.

Don't complain about getting
to spend time with Jules, OK?

Not to me.

Big Joe's not helping.
I wanna go see him.

No, you can't go over there.

- Hey.
- He's here.

Be cool.

- I can't be cool.
- I order you to be cool.

So what's up?
It hasn't been 24 hours yet.

I missed you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

A bunch of kids search for
treasure on a deserted island,

and then have sex for the first time.

Oh... OK, um... Deserted island,
and they were having sex?

They're having sex.
They're having sex. OK, think.

I don't know.

Oh! The Blue Lagoonies. I got one!

Clammy!

Hug Battle champion.

What was that even about?

- To see who gets the last fry.
- Put your shirts back on.